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How very charitable of her royal majesty to summon us to a social gathering of prepared foods and open-handed cordiality, regardless of the immense difference in our societal statuses.
I feel like I've done a lot of authors a disservice this round by just saying "I don't know what else to add here." Per usual, I haven't really had the time or energy for a lot of in-depth reviewing, and by the time I get around to doing just that, other people have generally said everything I want to say.
I guess, for this one... I don't know. I agree that you'll want to seed hints about the twist throughout the story. Maybe have little things stand out to Twilight as uncannily familiar? Give her intense emotional reactions to stuff without really knowing why?
Seeing Flurry, for instance. As far as Twilight knows, Ashen Heart is still alive out there, but she hasn't seen her in centuries. Naturally, she'd be emotional, right (that's something that goes, surprisingly, unstated in that scene, by the way: Twilight doesn't seem to have any emotional reaction to Flurry being alive and eleven years old, even when she probably... should)?
Suppose she's confronted with a feeling that she didn't expect, though. Grief. Or guilt. Or something she has no explanation for. Something she has to rationalize away.
I applaud your attempt at giving me a twist at the end of the story. You really did catch me by surprise with the reveal. But I think you did your job too well. A good mystery like this, the breadcrumbs should be obvious on a re-read.
I don't see no breadcrumbs. Maybe Twilight ate them all. Give her a break; she's been hungry.
I guess, for this one... I don't know. I agree that you'll want to seed hints about the twist throughout the story. Maybe have little things stand out to Twilight as uncannily familiar? Give her intense emotional reactions to stuff without really knowing why?
Seeing Flurry, for instance. As far as Twilight knows, Ashen Heart is still alive out there, but she hasn't seen her in centuries. Naturally, she'd be emotional, right (that's something that goes, surprisingly, unstated in that scene, by the way: Twilight doesn't seem to have any emotional reaction to Flurry being alive and eleven years old, even when she probably... should)?
Suppose she's confronted with a feeling that she didn't expect, though. Grief. Or guilt. Or something she has no explanation for. Something she has to rationalize away.
I applaud your attempt at giving me a twist at the end of the story. You really did catch me by surprise with the reveal. But I think you did your job too well. A good mystery like this, the breadcrumbs should be obvious on a re-read.
I don't see no breadcrumbs. Maybe Twilight ate them all. Give her a break; she's been hungry.
This is another example of an old premise being retold, but I wanna praise it for bringing something a little different to the equation: the manner of personification, the way that Nightmare Moon is personified. I found the imagery of her as a carcass, the recurring motif of characters bursting from each other's viscera, genuinely disturbing (although the Twilight example laid it on a little thick).
In short, though a tried-and-true premise, the author managed to do something inventive with it, and I'm gratified.
That said, I found this a little too telly in execution. It's driven by expository dumps force-feeding the reader information, rather than that same information being doled out through character, action, and dialogue. I can see, for example, Nightmare Moon taunting Luna by discussing her wedding to Twilight, being a natural way of establishing what happened, and a more effective way than just having Luna reflect on it mid-scene.
...I actually found that element to be rather confusing in the story. As I understand it, Luna's shifting between possible realities. Is her marriage with Twilight just one possibility, out of many, or is that literally what happened in-universe? If it's the latter, then you need to make it matter a lot more than it currently does. If you draw attention to Twilight marrying Luna, then Twilight's marriage to Luna needs to matter a lot more than just being a background detail about the protagonist.
8/10.
In short, though a tried-and-true premise, the author managed to do something inventive with it, and I'm gratified.
That said, I found this a little too telly in execution. It's driven by expository dumps force-feeding the reader information, rather than that same information being doled out through character, action, and dialogue. I can see, for example, Nightmare Moon taunting Luna by discussing her wedding to Twilight, being a natural way of establishing what happened, and a more effective way than just having Luna reflect on it mid-scene.
...I actually found that element to be rather confusing in the story. As I understand it, Luna's shifting between possible realities. Is her marriage with Twilight just one possibility, out of many, or is that literally what happened in-universe? If it's the latter, then you need to make it matter a lot more than it currently does. If you draw attention to Twilight marrying Luna, then Twilight's marriage to Luna needs to matter a lot more than just being a background detail about the protagonist.
8/10.
I don't really know what to add that hasn't already been said, in terms of analysis, I mean. Just that I appreciated this as a solid bit of character interplay featuring two very well-realized voices and contrasting points of view.
I have little to add about the structure and execution of this piece that hasn't already been said. I suppose I'll mention that the present-day narration might be better suited if told in a third person voice, rather than first, to differentiate them more from the flashbacks.
Suppose you personify the sky, itself, as the narrator? Being spoken to by Dashie?
By far, my biggest criticism of this story is... well, what does it say that hasn't already been said? I read this, and I feel like I've read it a hundred times before. Whatever drama, and irony, Rainbow Dash committing suicide-by-plunging-attack might have held, it's been milked pretty dry by now. And I can respect someone re-treading well-trodden ground, but it helps if you add something new to the journey.
Right now, this story isn't saying anything unique. Surprise your audience, author.
Suppose you personify the sky, itself, as the narrator? Being spoken to by Dashie?
By far, my biggest criticism of this story is... well, what does it say that hasn't already been said? I read this, and I feel like I've read it a hundred times before. Whatever drama, and irony, Rainbow Dash committing suicide-by-plunging-attack might have held, it's been milked pretty dry by now. And I can respect someone re-treading well-trodden ground, but it helps if you add something new to the journey.
Right now, this story isn't saying anything unique. Surprise your audience, author.
I can't say that my response to this story was quite as visceral as >>Trick_Question's, but I agree that the love story here is... kind of horrible in its implications. I can't decide whether or not the irony inherent in it is intentional, and that's not a sign in the story's favor.
Trick already gives a laundry list of reasons why True's treatment of Trusty is so abhorrent. The love that blossoms by the end is treated as some kind of a triumph, but to me, it just reads like a psychologically broken young man Stockholming it up with a bully. Who doesn't seem to have even a modicum of respect for... well, for anyone.
Shit, at least Diamond Tiara had a neglectful mother. True's just a budding young sociopath, through and through. This doesn't feel like a friendship between equals at all, because not only does Trusty never get one up on True, he seems completely incapable of doing so. Of interacting with her as an equal.
And if this were a story about abuse, framed as a story about abuse, I could see it working as a cautionary tale; I could even see the lack of punishment for True as part of the story's theme and argument. But it's not framed that way. The town applauds their first kiss, and I just, where were any of you when this girl was pranking and bullying him?
Oh, right. Photographing it. You're all complicit in this guy's abuse.
This doesn't read like a love story. This reads like a 4chan incel's greentext about why he hates women, an account of how he was mistreated by a Stacy in high school.
Trick already gives a laundry list of reasons why True's treatment of Trusty is so abhorrent. The love that blossoms by the end is treated as some kind of a triumph, but to me, it just reads like a psychologically broken young man Stockholming it up with a bully. Who doesn't seem to have even a modicum of respect for... well, for anyone.
Shit, at least Diamond Tiara had a neglectful mother. True's just a budding young sociopath, through and through. This doesn't feel like a friendship between equals at all, because not only does Trusty never get one up on True, he seems completely incapable of doing so. Of interacting with her as an equal.
And if this were a story about abuse, framed as a story about abuse, I could see it working as a cautionary tale; I could even see the lack of punishment for True as part of the story's theme and argument. But it's not framed that way. The town applauds their first kiss, and I just, where were any of you when this girl was pranking and bullying him?
Oh, right. Photographing it. You're all complicit in this guy's abuse.
This doesn't read like a love story. This reads like a 4chan incel's greentext about why he hates women, an account of how he was mistreated by a Stacy in high school.
Your title is a little too glib, I think. I get it; it's amusingly meta, but it also side-steps a very important ethical issue that this story never once deals with: Is Pseudo-Ocellus alive? And if so, is it right to kill her the way that they do?
And if the story's title gives away that the answer is no, then that's a very weak means of addressing that question in your story.
Narratively, I thought that matters in the second half were confusing, difficult to follow. It may just be me, but the nature of the problem, and the solution to it, didn't make a great deal of sense. I understand that Smolder's vomit, gemstones, and flu medication were all somehow involved, but I really don't know how those elements come together to form a logical whole. There are other logical questions as well; there doesn't seem to be any pattern to what P.O. consumes. I understand why she's so gluttonous; Ocellus's constant appetite foreshadows that subtly, but I don't understand why she eats what she eats.
Beyond that, the choice to make Rarity the POV character in the first scene doesn't pay off. Rarity vanishes from the story after that scene, never to be seen again, and we shift over to Ocellus immediately for the real action of the piece. Rarity, herself, is awkwardly voiced from the get-go, with her use of the word "dangit" sounding delightfully Applejackean, and overall, isn't adding much to the piece... beyond having a vessel for the character to inhabit so that Twilight and Starlight can deliver exposition about Ocellus's molt.
You made me smile a few times with some of your dialogue and interactions, but the overall piece doesn't come together and do it for me, I'm sorry.
And if the story's title gives away that the answer is no, then that's a very weak means of addressing that question in your story.
Narratively, I thought that matters in the second half were confusing, difficult to follow. It may just be me, but the nature of the problem, and the solution to it, didn't make a great deal of sense. I understand that Smolder's vomit, gemstones, and flu medication were all somehow involved, but I really don't know how those elements come together to form a logical whole. There are other logical questions as well; there doesn't seem to be any pattern to what P.O. consumes. I understand why she's so gluttonous; Ocellus's constant appetite foreshadows that subtly, but I don't understand why she eats what she eats.
Beyond that, the choice to make Rarity the POV character in the first scene doesn't pay off. Rarity vanishes from the story after that scene, never to be seen again, and we shift over to Ocellus immediately for the real action of the piece. Rarity, herself, is awkwardly voiced from the get-go, with her use of the word "dangit" sounding delightfully Applejackean, and overall, isn't adding much to the piece... beyond having a vessel for the character to inhabit so that Twilight and Starlight can deliver exposition about Ocellus's molt.
You made me smile a few times with some of your dialogue and interactions, but the overall piece doesn't come together and do it for me, I'm sorry.
>>Trick_Question
I think you're being ungenerous to your competition. I thought it was one of our strongest minific slates in a while. And I think a lot of people would agree that it was the kind of round where low-ranking stories found their spots more because of a mathematical exigency (something has to find its way to the bottom) than as a sign of quality.
Five readers bottom-slated me, I got comments like "I can't get over how miserable a read this was," and to top it off I didn't think more than a hoofful of stories this round were strong contenders.
I think you're being ungenerous to your competition. I thought it was one of our strongest minific slates in a while. And I think a lot of people would agree that it was the kind of round where low-ranking stories found their spots more because of a mathematical exigency (something has to find its way to the bottom) than as a sign of quality.
>>Baal Bunny
>>Bachiavellian
>>KwirkyJ
>>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
>>WillowWren
>>Trick_Question
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKGydWrGEjc
That was the joke.
>>Bachiavellian
>>KwirkyJ
>>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
>>WillowWren
>>Trick_Question
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKGydWrGEjc
That was the joke.
>>No_Raisin
No. You're not telling a story. You're giving the backdrop to a story. Calling it as I see it.
Pasc once got into a knife-fight over what color Vinyl was. Let's keep perspective.
Kinda reductive, innit?
No. You're not telling a story. You're giving the backdrop to a story. Calling it as I see it.
Pasc once got into a knife-fight over what color Vinyl was. Let's keep perspective.
Probably the funniest thing I've read this round, but I can't get past how out of character Cadance feels. I realize that's the vehicle for the comedy, but making character-centric comedy reliant on characters acting out-of-character (without sufficient justification, anyway; see Cousin Orchard Blossom or literally any other Big Mac episode) results in kind of a paper thin narrative.
So, while you made me laugh, I ultimately can't score this very high. Sorry, author.
So, while you made me laugh, I ultimately can't score this very high. Sorry, author.
I don't see Cadance as a sociopath, so that isn't my read at all.
Close enough; she's a teenager. *badumtish*
It's not a violation of Shining Armor, because at no step is he being forced to do something he doesn't want to do. What he wants to do is changing. Cadance's actions are not against his will: when she finishes, his will is to be with her.
We seem to disagree, fundamentally, on the question of whether or not it ethical to overwrite a significant part of an individual's personality, without their knowledge or consent, so that they will be more compliant with someone else's wishes. That difference in opinion is too steep to overcome, which means we've gained all that we can from continued discussion of this story.
I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that you have a long and productive career with the Ministry of Love.
Tough for me to read, on the grounds that I know jack shit about music. This is a story about falling in love because of music.
I'm tempted to abstain, but... no, I found enough to like in the character and the elegance of the prose to make me feel comfortable rating it. I wish I could hear the music as you do, author, so I could understand this as it's meant to be understood.
Bottom of my ballot, because Octavia will never marry me. :<
I'm tempted to abstain, but... no, I found enough to like in the character and the elegance of the prose to make me feel comfortable rating it. I wish I could hear the music as you do, author, so I could understand this as it's meant to be understood.
Bottom of my ballot, because Octavia will never marry me. :<
>>Trick_Question
Are you arguing this for argument's sake, or is this the moral lens through which you're reading the story? Because it certainly does not improve my reading. If anything, "Cadance is a sociopath, and that's okay, because she's a smart and well-heeled sociopath" makes it, and its implications, that much worse.
If it's unclear how the rules of this universe work, then that's a problem that the author needs to resolve in editing.
Surely if Cadance influencing Shiny by means he is unaware is "reprehensible", then the perfume is equally abhorrent. But it isn't, because what Cadance did wasn't reprehensible. She has no information about whether Shiny's attraction to a random pony will end in happiness or heartache for him upon which to base a decision. However, she does know that she is intelligent and a princess and would likely be a better mate for Shining Armor (just statistically) than some random pony. Her action is likely to increase Shining Armor's lifelong happiness, which arguably makes it more ethical than connecting him to some young mare he has a crush on, or even doing nothing.
...
Shining Armor will consent to everything in his future relationship with Cadence. Her influencing him doesn't affect that. She isn't raping him and she isn't forcing him to do anything. If anything, she's helping him. It isn't so different from the perfume example.
Are you arguing this for argument's sake, or is this the moral lens through which you're reading the story? Because it certainly does not improve my reading. If anything, "Cadance is a sociopath, and that's okay, because she's a smart and well-heeled sociopath" makes it, and its implications, that much worse.
It always amuses me when people argue vociferously for or against an act that is not well-defined. Being convinced that Cadance did something wrong when it isn't even clear how what she did works or what its full effect will be suggests a moral viewpoint based upon absolutes independent of situation, and those are pretty easy to tear down.
If it's unclear how the rules of this universe work, then that's a problem that the author needs to resolve in editing.
But for real, I do think that this is a good story. Easily one of the most creative and technically accomplished this round. If I had to suggest anything, I think you could elaborate on the ending, and the ramifications of Cadance's decision. Miller suggests that the voice not dressing down Cadance after her decision implies endorsement of her actions, and I... disagree? But it would provide a more concrete resolution to the piece.
>>Trick_Question
Using means he is unaware of, and cannot even perceive, Cadance is manipulating Shining Armor into falling for her. He cannot consent to something he doesn't know about. This is immoral.
Ouch oof my brain.
Of course, I think the answer is more complex than that; I just wanted to prove that you can distill the moral question down to a basic answer without involving fate and free will. But those things are at the heart of this story, and the central conceit is the former exists, and that Cadance is capable of overriding the latter. The story's ethics are intrinsically tied with discussion of those two concepts, and any discussion of them has to consider free will vs. fate. You might as well say that you should talk about romance without bringing up the ephemeral and irrelevant notion of love.
(On a sidenote -- free will is an abstract notion, but "nonexistent fakery?" Really???)
Let me take a stab at putting this into perspective. Cadance's powers, in this story's setting, are not to make people fall in love, but rather, to kindle the potential for love that already exists (which is always how I've headcanoned it). She makes connections happen which are supposed to happen, which might otherwise not happen without her intervention, because, just as part of the context here, people being fated to fall in love with each other is A Thing.
Within that context, what she does to Shining Armor isn't... mm. The metaphor people keep using is "roofie?" Like this is magic date rape? Despite my opening statement, I don't really see it that way, entirely. The date rape/sex offense parallel isn't quite 1:1. That doesn't make what she's doing morally right, though. Because I would argue that her reasons are selfish. She is explicitly told "you should not do this," but does it anyway, simply because she thinks he's a hunky studmuffin, and she's like fifteen, and teenagers are idiots who do idiot things.
It would be one thing if Shining and Cadance were in love, and Cadance was acting in his interest as well as hers, but we don't even have an inkling that Shining Armor is attracted to her. She literally does this as he's telling her about this other girl she likes. It's a fair interpretation here to say that she's using her powers to alter fate in a pique of jealousy.
My reading of this isn't date rape. She's not drugging him. But she is manipulating him, altering circumstances for her own benefit without his knowledge or consent. I'd read it as, say, someone getting on someone else's phone, deleting a message from their crush asking them out, and then swooping in to take them out for ice cream and steak, or whatever young people do on dates. And we don't know who Shining might've wound up with, if not Cadance, and we never will, because Cadance's hormones made her rewrite destiny.
Wow! Glimmer
So, tell me: why is what Cadance does with Shiny immoral in the slightest? I want to see what happens to your brain as you try to come up with a reason that doesn't hinge upon nonexistent fakery like "free will" or "fate".
Using means he is unaware of, and cannot even perceive, Cadance is manipulating Shining Armor into falling for her. He cannot consent to something he doesn't know about. This is immoral.
Ouch oof my brain.
Of course, I think the answer is more complex than that; I just wanted to prove that you can distill the moral question down to a basic answer without involving fate and free will. But those things are at the heart of this story, and the central conceit is the former exists, and that Cadance is capable of overriding the latter. The story's ethics are intrinsically tied with discussion of those two concepts, and any discussion of them has to consider free will vs. fate. You might as well say that you should talk about romance without bringing up the ephemeral and irrelevant notion of love.
(On a sidenote -- free will is an abstract notion, but "nonexistent fakery?" Really???)
Let me take a stab at putting this into perspective. Cadance's powers, in this story's setting, are not to make people fall in love, but rather, to kindle the potential for love that already exists (which is always how I've headcanoned it). She makes connections happen which are supposed to happen, which might otherwise not happen without her intervention, because, just as part of the context here, people being fated to fall in love with each other is A Thing.
Within that context, what she does to Shining Armor isn't... mm. The metaphor people keep using is "roofie?" Like this is magic date rape? Despite my opening statement, I don't really see it that way, entirely. The date rape/sex offense parallel isn't quite 1:1. That doesn't make what she's doing morally right, though. Because I would argue that her reasons are selfish. She is explicitly told "you should not do this," but does it anyway, simply because she thinks he's a hunky studmuffin, and she's like fifteen, and teenagers are idiots who do idiot things.
It would be one thing if Shining and Cadance were in love, and Cadance was acting in his interest as well as hers, but we don't even have an inkling that Shining Armor is attracted to her. She literally does this as he's telling her about this other girl she likes. It's a fair interpretation here to say that she's using her powers to alter fate in a pique of jealousy.
My reading of this isn't date rape. She's not drugging him. But she is manipulating him, altering circumstances for her own benefit without his knowledge or consent. I'd read it as, say, someone getting on someone else's phone, deleting a message from their crush asking them out, and then swooping in to take them out for ice cream and steak, or whatever young people do on dates. And we don't know who Shining might've wound up with, if not Cadance, and we never will, because Cadance's hormones made her rewrite destiny.
Wow! Glimmer
I'm going to agree with the other commenters praising this story's character work; what sets this apart is just how authentic all the Mane Six feel, how natural their voices are. It's all dialogue, and while I don't think that works entirely in the story's favor (no arc, no real story being told besides the conversation), it's at least entertaining dialogue to read.
I don't think that Prude Twilight works, however. Inexperienced and awkward, I can buy, but you make her sound like a puritanical teenager. Like as soon as this story ends, she's gonna have to run off to Confession and pray for the salvation of her sinful friends' souls.
...Prude Fluttershy, I can give you, however.
I don't think that Prude Twilight works, however. Inexperienced and awkward, I can buy, but you make her sound like a puritanical teenager. Like as soon as this story ends, she's gonna have to run off to Confession and pray for the salvation of her sinful friends' souls.
...Prude Fluttershy, I can give you, however.
There are some extraordinarily meta entries this round...
I'm battling half a week's worth of fatigue and sleep deprivation as I write these reviews, and my brain is kind of... mushy. So I'm afraid I won't be able to contribute much to the discourse surrounding this story.
But the point I got from this story is that it's less about the metacommentary on Twilight-centric shipping, and more about the friendship, possible attraction, between Lily and Rose. I base that interpretation on the fact that the story ends with a pretty obvious ship-tease between them, not to mention, how many of Lily's barbs toward Roseluck have to do with her love life.
As an old fan of the Ask The Flower Trio blog (now defunct), I approve! And I would suggest leaning more heavily into that for any revisions that you put together. You might consider having Lily and Rose invest some of their own qualities into their descriptions of Twilight's hypothetical romances. For instance, if one ships her with Pinkie and the other with Rarity, what does their choice say about them, and what they want in love?
Or... whatever. I'm tired. Leave me alone.
I'm battling half a week's worth of fatigue and sleep deprivation as I write these reviews, and my brain is kind of... mushy. So I'm afraid I won't be able to contribute much to the discourse surrounding this story.
But the point I got from this story is that it's less about the metacommentary on Twilight-centric shipping, and more about the friendship, possible attraction, between Lily and Rose. I base that interpretation on the fact that the story ends with a pretty obvious ship-tease between them, not to mention, how many of Lily's barbs toward Roseluck have to do with her love life.
As an old fan of the Ask The Flower Trio blog (now defunct), I approve! And I would suggest leaning more heavily into that for any revisions that you put together. You might consider having Lily and Rose invest some of their own qualities into their descriptions of Twilight's hypothetical romances. For instance, if one ships her with Pinkie and the other with Rarity, what does their choice say about them, and what they want in love?
Or... whatever. I'm tired. Leave me alone.
Clevery, but extremely telly, driven by narration and description rather than character action or dialogue. I don't think that's necessarily a mark against this entry, because I don't think stories like that are inherently bad.
But I also don't think there's a story here, though. Rainbow Dash has a mystery lover, and nobody can guess who it is. That's about all this story has going for it right now; there's no actual plot, nothing to narrate besides the town's gossip.
And it culminates in, well. Nothing. I don't think there's a point to the mystery, because there's no resolution to it, or even breadcrumbs from which the reader can infer an answer.
I could see a really good story coming out of this: Dashie's friends trying to figure out her girlfriend, and the gossip inspiring the town to start prying into her personal affairs. Plot, progression, character work. Right now, it's just an idea. A witty idea, with some funny observations about shipping, and specific ships in particular, but still raw.
But I also don't think there's a story here, though. Rainbow Dash has a mystery lover, and nobody can guess who it is. That's about all this story has going for it right now; there's no actual plot, nothing to narrate besides the town's gossip.
And it culminates in, well. Nothing. I don't think there's a point to the mystery, because there's no resolution to it, or even breadcrumbs from which the reader can infer an answer.
I could see a really good story coming out of this: Dashie's friends trying to figure out her girlfriend, and the gossip inspiring the town to start prying into her personal affairs. Plot, progression, character work. Right now, it's just an idea. A witty idea, with some funny observations about shipping, and specific ships in particular, but still raw.
Sweet and relatable shortfic about acute social anxiety. Birchbud's characterization is about what I'd expect from an introverted youngster. The use of her imagination as a coping mechanism, her creative writing, her self-loathing. It's handled well.
Less well handled is your story's structure. The short, snippity episodes that we get don't have quite enough lead-in or progression to them; they could all be rearranged into basically any order, as long as they ended on the last couple, and very little about the story would change. Coupled with that, there isn't a lot of progression or development with Birchbud's character up until she makes the decision to... uh... mail her erotic friendfiction to the StudentSix Three.
I'd recommend teasing things out a little bit more. Maybe show her daring to go a little bit further with each new character she observes, teasing herself with how close she can get before being noticed. Build a sense of momentum, progress. And maybe her journals about them get more intense and personal as they go, rather than these descriptions of their dynamics with one another. Do more to distinguish the personas that Birchbudweiser builds for these characters in her head.
For instance, I note a little bit of attraction in the way she talks about Sandbar (Silverstream, too, to a lesser extent). Maybe you could seize on that, and develop it more. Or do whatever you like with them, I dunno.
Just, make it all signify something. You dig?
On a final note:
As far as she knows Silverstream's name is just "Silver." Make sure you stay grounded in what the character plausibly knows.
Less well handled is your story's structure. The short, snippity episodes that we get don't have quite enough lead-in or progression to them; they could all be rearranged into basically any order, as long as they ended on the last couple, and very little about the story would change. Coupled with that, there isn't a lot of progression or development with Birchbud's character up until she makes the decision to... uh... mail her erotic friendfiction to the Student
I'd recommend teasing things out a little bit more. Maybe show her daring to go a little bit further with each new character she observes, teasing herself with how close she can get before being noticed. Build a sense of momentum, progress. And maybe her journals about them get more intense and personal as they go, rather than these descriptions of their dynamics with one another. Do more to distinguish the personas that Birchbudweiser builds for these characters in her head.
For instance, I note a little bit of attraction in the way she talks about Sandbar (Silverstream, too, to a lesser extent). Maybe you could seize on that, and develop it more. Or do whatever you like with them, I dunno.
Just, make it all signify something. You dig?
On a final note:
“Good one, Silver!” Sandbar cheered.
Silverstream, Sandbar, Ocellus. She imagined going sailing with the three of them. Laughing together. Best of friends.
As far as she knows Silverstream's name is just "Silver." Make sure you stay grounded in what the character plausibly knows.
Paging WIP