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>>scifipony
It's late, and a few hours away from results, but on the off chance that you're not commenting on your own entry to throw us off:
I really do think that this is a strange issue to have with the story. I imagine you must be passionate about your conception of human nature, or else this one line wouldn't have caught your eye so much. Isn't it a common trope in post-apocalyptic fiction, video games, and so on that the resulting world is a lawless, faithless place? Historically, did movements like existentialism not flourish after great calamities like World War II, horrific events which made people question whether God could preside over such a world? In any case, the author never reveals what kind of calamity struck the world, nor do I think this entry is supposed to prompt a debate about human nature. But maybe that's part of your issue with the story. I just think this is an odd snippet to break the story over.
It's late, and a few hours away from results, but on the off chance that you're not commenting on your own entry to throw us off:
I really do think that this is a strange issue to have with the story. I imagine you must be passionate about your conception of human nature, or else this one line wouldn't have caught your eye so much. Isn't it a common trope in post-apocalyptic fiction, video games, and so on that the resulting world is a lawless, faithless place? Historically, did movements like existentialism not flourish after great calamities like World War II, horrific events which made people question whether God could preside over such a world? In any case, the author never reveals what kind of calamity struck the world, nor do I think this entry is supposed to prompt a debate about human nature. But maybe that's part of your issue with the story. I just think this is an odd snippet to break the story over.
I generally agree with what >>Bachiavellian said. I also assumed that Vanessa's case was a failure, based on the result.
This isn't a complaint, but I found the third example amusing. Just the idea of this stock broker embezzling from his firm being on the same level as a school bully and a young 'sadist'. Worse, even: a crime worthy of nightmares and a trip to church!
All-in-all, nice and cute story.
This isn't a complaint, but I found the third example amusing. Just the idea of this stock broker embezzling from his firm being on the same level as a school bully and a young 'sadist'. Worse, even: a crime worthy of nightmares and a trip to church!
All-in-all, nice and cute story.
Before I stopped procrastinating and wrote this story, I thought of what I was going to say in my retrospective—how I was going to justify myself—a hundred times over. And now, I don't fully know what to say.
Firstly, thanks for the comments and reviews. Secondly, I'm certainly surprised I got as far as 4th place, but I'm sure it was super close. I got a 'most controversial' medal, after all.
I'll go with some replies, I guess:
>>Miller Minus
Sort-of, but I'm an Absurdist so I don't believe in inventing purposes for life.
You're pretty much right. While there were a few lines near the end where he reflected on how stupid the entire matter was—the risk of death in a duel initiated by such a petty dispute—it did bug me that he did not put up much resistance to the duel itself, and I never gave a real reason that he didn't consider apologizing. My official excuse is that I rushed the ending because I procrastinated and the deadline loomed.
That's a good point as well. In War and Peace, which I am reading right now and greatly inspired this story, the marksmanship of two characters is known and briefly mentioned before their duel, which heightened the stakes and made the result more surprising. I should have taken a note from that!
I'm going to use the 'stylistic choice' card here. I wanted to give the impression that Mikhailovich spent so much time idle and consumed by thought and rumination instead of actual action. This wears off later because I sort-of rushed the ending, and also because I felt like he would be less observant while drunk and more mindful after his 'awakening'. I am glad you think Olga had a good role, though. I was a little concerned about that.
One of the works that inspired my story besides War and Peace is another work of Russian literature—Oblomov by Ivan Goncharov. Yep, it's where my name comes from!
There are no duels in that book, but the idea you are describing is similar to what happens in Oblomov, when he is 'awakened' and coaxed out of his idleness by the efforts of his friend Stolz and falling in love with a girl. Ultimately, he is too flawed to know how to love, and falls back into his squalor. I saw my story as a more short-fused exploration of similar ideas, and while the suggestion you have isn't bad, but it's the inverse of what I was shooting for and very similar to Oblomov.
>>Hap
I hope this is nothing more than a joke. I was a little scared someone would criticize me for making the death not-explicit!
Yep, see reply to Miller.
>>Monokeras
Anyone who knows me can easily single this one out as me. They're not exactly easter eggs; it's just that you know me too well.
I am really bad at committing to settings because I am terrified that I don't know enough—that someone will call me out and say, "Hey! That's not how X works!" or "That's not what that city looks like!" Since the story was inspired primarily by two works of 19th century Russian literature, the setting was very vaguely similar, but I never named anywhere explicit to avoid the problem mentioned above. Also, I also was a little bothered by my use of 'technically' as well, but I kept it in.
>>Miller Minus
This is pretty much it, yeah. Note the line: "'And don't call me Mikhail—that's my father's name.'" It would be pretty weird for a Russian person to go by their middle exclusively, I'm pretty sure, and his decision to do so reflects something about how he views himself, I'd say.
But I had some fun with the names here. A very common complaint in Russian literature is English readers being confused about why everyone has "nine different names", which I find kinda funny.
>>Rao
Thanks. I think I targeted the right demographic here!
Final note:
Some may noticed I was concerned about someone deriding me for not having much connection to the art I linked. I'm very happy this was not the case. (I even wrote an explanation for myself beforehand!). In short, GGA suggested taking a shared element of multiple pictures and writing a story based off of that, and both pictures I tagged had some sort of fight or duel happening. This got me thinking about the duel in War and Peace, and then I thought of Oblomov, and so on.
For my first entry under my real alias, I'm quite happy. I frequently checked for reviews to assuage my fears, and I did not see much discussion in the Discord for my story. But Cassius told me not to get demotivated, and Monokeras told me that Cass and him were discussing my story privately, so that 'endorsement' really lifted my spirits.
Thanks again, all. I hope to participate more in the future!
Firstly, thanks for the comments and reviews. Secondly, I'm certainly surprised I got as far as 4th place, but I'm sure it was super close. I got a 'most controversial' medal, after all.
I'll go with some replies, I guess:
>>Miller Minus
There's an interesting throughline carrying this story along--a commentary on how important it is to have a purpose in life. It's not until he has a goal in mind that he is able to finish that letter and make plans for the future.
Sort-of, but I'm an Absurdist so I don't believe in inventing purposes for life.
It suffers, though, because he is so strangely detached from the duel he's about to face. There's no moment of realization that he's just done something incredibly stupid, even after he sobers up. He approaches his impending death the same way someone might react to losing their weekend to overtime at work.
You're pretty much right. While there were a few lines near the end where he reflected on how stupid the entire matter was—the risk of death in a duel initiated by such a petty dispute—it did bug me that he did not put up much resistance to the duel itself, and I never gave a real reason that he didn't consider apologizing. My official excuse is that I rushed the ending because I procrastinated and the deadline loomed.
For another minor point, I struggled to get too invested in the duel itself because I had no idea of the marksmanship skills of either of these two, so I didn't get a chance to wonder who was going to win. For all I knew, either of them could have been a chump, or a deadeye.
That's a good point as well. In War and Peace, which I am reading right now and greatly inspired this story, the marksmanship of two characters is known and briefly mentioned before their duel, which heightened the stakes and made the result more surprising. I should have taken a note from that!
The writing also felt a little slow, though not terribly slow. It felt like certain things were being dwelled on that didn't need to be mentioned, and certain things were given way more attention than they needed. The description of him waking up at the beginning, for instance, felt overlong, and it didn't give me the impression he was being lazy. More like something supernatural was going on with the light or the curtain. The laziness impression came later on through Olga, who was a great addition to the story.
I'm going to use the 'stylistic choice' card here. I wanted to give the impression that Mikhailovich spent so much time idle and consumed by thought and rumination instead of actual action. This wears off later because I sort-of rushed the ending, and also because I felt like he would be less observant while drunk and more mindful after his 'awakening'. I am glad you think Olga had a good role, though. I was a little concerned about that.
That's all I have to say for criticism, but I did have a suggestion for a different way to end the story. Feel free to disregard it. What if he won the duel? What if he rode the high and the celebration for a while, elating with his new band of friends until they eventually lose interest in him. Then, having still gotten no work done, he goes right back to his lazy lifestyle like nothing's changed, flying in the face of his promise that winning the duel would change his life and start him fresh. Once it's over, so is his purpose, and normal service resumes.
One of the works that inspired my story besides War and Peace is another work of Russian literature—Oblomov by Ivan Goncharov. Yep, it's where my name comes from!
There are no duels in that book, but the idea you are describing is similar to what happens in Oblomov, when he is 'awakened' and coaxed out of his idleness by the efforts of his friend Stolz and falling in love with a girl. Ultimately, he is too flawed to know how to love, and falls back into his squalor. I saw my story as a more short-fused exploration of similar ideas, and while the suggestion you have isn't bad, but it's the inverse of what I was shooting for and very similar to Oblomov.
>>Hap
How do you know that suggestion isn't the bitter cup he mentions?
I hope this is nothing more than a joke. I was a little scared someone would criticize me for making the death not-explicit!
I, too, felt the beginning was slow, and the end was rushed.
Yep, see reply to Miller.
>>Monokeras
I won’t comment on the Easter eggs I found all along this piece – Easter eggs which seem to be targeted specifically at me, BTW – which point (almost) unequivocally to one only possible author. I might be wrong, but I think the margin of error here is less that ten to power of minus twenty.
Anyone who knows me can easily single this one out as me. They're not exactly easter eggs; it's just that you know me too well.
Well, barring one thing: I’d say the action is set during the 19th century. Fine, I don’t have any problem with that, but please then refrain using modern terminology. For example, I found the repeated use of “technically” a bit jarring, knowing that this particular acception arose probably some time late in the 20th century. In any case, the use of that word felt anachronistic to me.
I am really bad at committing to settings because I am terrified that I don't know enough—that someone will call me out and say, "Hey! That's not how X works!" or "That's not what that city looks like!" Since the story was inspired primarily by two works of 19th century Russian literature, the setting was very vaguely similar, but I never named anywhere explicit to avoid the problem mentioned above. Also, I also was a little bothered by my use of 'technically' as well, but I kept it in.
>>Miller Minus
Real talk, though—I think the fact that his name is simply a repeat of father's is to show that he has no identity of his own, and that his father is an overbearing rich man who pays for everything for him. This would explain why he is such a layabout, and also how he survives it (Olga mentions that Mikhailovich is receiving a monthly allowance from the estate). I've seen that type of plot before in English stories with characters named "Junior".
This is pretty much it, yeah. Note the line: "'And don't call me Mikhail—that's my father's name.'" It would be pretty weird for a Russian person to go by their middle exclusively, I'm pretty sure, and his decision to do so reflects something about how he views himself, I'd say.
But I had some fun with the names here. A very common complaint in Russian literature is English readers being confused about why everyone has "nine different names", which I find kinda funny.
>>Rao
Thanks. I think I targeted the right demographic here!
Final note:
Some may noticed I was concerned about someone deriding me for not having much connection to the art I linked. I'm very happy this was not the case. (I even wrote an explanation for myself beforehand!). In short, GGA suggested taking a shared element of multiple pictures and writing a story based off of that, and both pictures I tagged had some sort of fight or duel happening. This got me thinking about the duel in War and Peace, and then I thought of Oblomov, and so on.
For my first entry under my real alias, I'm quite happy. I frequently checked for reviews to assuage my fears, and I did not see much discussion in the Discord for my story. But Cassius told me not to get demotivated, and Monokeras told me that Cass and him were discussing my story privately, so that 'endorsement' really lifted my spirits.
Thanks again, all. I hope to participate more in the future!
>>CantStopWontStop
Oh, okay, I get it now.
In that case, I feel like the story should have ended one line earlier. Still, maybe it takes a little too much work to figure out what's going on here? Anyhow, it's super well written. It's definitely up there on my slate.
Oh, okay, I get it now.
In that case, I feel like the story should have ended one line earlier. Still, maybe it takes a little too much work to figure out what's going on here? Anyhow, it's super well written. It's definitely up there on my slate.
As far as I am aware, there are only two factions in this war.
The Russian Civil War? More like ten factions: Reds, Whites, Greens, Blacks and Blues... Fun times.
But that fun fact aside, I actually really liked this one. It seems technically competent as far as I see, and sure, a little cliche with the monk and discussion, but it's a solid story all the way through that has a dialogue and a message. I'm sorry that I don't feel confident enough to provide a more detailed review, but know that this will be on the upper slopes of my slate.
The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.
Unabomber quotes aside, I have one snippet to add to >>Samey90's historical nitpicking:
This is probably unfair, but at this time 'Byzantine' would just refer to the city Byzantium. The word 'Byzantine' to refer to complex things only came about hundreds of years after the fall of the Byzantine (Eastern Roman) Empire, I'm pretty sure. I probably only noticed this because >>Samey90 was talking about all these historical points in Discord and I had that in mind as I read.
...aside from that, I really don't know how to feel about the story yet. I agree with some of >>Monokeras's criticisms, but not as harshly. Even so, I think this will have a solid place on the upper side of my slate.
Unabomber quotes aside, I have one snippet to add to >>Samey90's historical nitpicking:
Byzantine land claims and legal… thingy
This is probably unfair, but at this time 'Byzantine' would just refer to the city Byzantium. The word 'Byzantine' to refer to complex things only came about hundreds of years after the fall of the Byzantine (Eastern Roman) Empire, I'm pretty sure. I probably only noticed this because >>Samey90 was talking about all these historical points in Discord and I had that in mind as I read.
...aside from that, I really don't know how to feel about the story yet. I agree with some of >>Monokeras's criticisms, but not as harshly. Even so, I think this will have a solid place on the upper side of my slate.
Like others I felt that all the exposition and long paragraphs sort of held the story down. I didn't understand why we were getting so much exposition while he was focusing on casting a spell?
I also definitely noticed the switch from Zep to Zeb. But, another small thing:
...snowmelt? You mean water?
Frozen snowmelt? You mean... frozen water? Ice? Perhaps even snow?
I also definitely noticed the switch from Zep to Zeb. But, another small thing:
A bucket of snowmelt sat to one side of the plain desk
...snowmelt? You mean water?
It took some pounding to free the last pile of wood from the frozen snowmelt
Frozen snowmelt? You mean... frozen water? Ice? Perhaps even snow?
Just some thoughts:
It was late when I read this, but I had a lot of trouble with this paragraph. It took me a minute to get it, and it's just strange all around. I also wasn't a fan of: "a sure sign of nerves." Needless telling, I think.
I kinda liked how the apocalypse was vague with only snippets revealed as it went on, but I'm not sure how much the reveal actually helps the story. I guess it felt underwhelming? I would agree that a lot of the details in the beginning are needlessly vague or obscured. Oh, and I'm a little confused about what the point of their illness was. I also thought it maybe had something to do with the apocalypse, but apparently not.
Overall I think it is a solid entry, though.
Gene drummed his fingers against his thigh: a sure sign of nerves. He needed to strum something. There were times when a lad like him needed to be locked away in his private quarters, having an intimate experience with sublime beauty. After all, he’d been playing the lute ever since he was young enough to call Mummy from his cot. Music was another parent to him.
It was late when I read this, but I had a lot of trouble with this paragraph. It took me a minute to get it, and it's just strange all around. I also wasn't a fan of: "a sure sign of nerves." Needless telling, I think.
I kinda liked how the apocalypse was vague with only snippets revealed as it went on, but I'm not sure how much the reveal actually helps the story. I guess it felt underwhelming? I would agree that a lot of the details in the beginning are needlessly vague or obscured. Oh, and I'm a little confused about what the point of their illness was. I also thought it maybe had something to do with the apocalypse, but apparently not.
Overall I think it is a solid entry, though.
Not being very busy during the summer, I told myself I'd finally participate in a Writeoff. In fact, I even implored my good comrade Monokeras to hold me to it.
"Okay Oblo. I hope you live up to it. [...] But, if you duck out of your promise. I swear you’ll have to face the music."
So, with this chilling threat, I finally finished my first Writeoff entry under my real alias. I'm spared Mono's wrath, but probably not the wrath of reviewers.
So, good luck to all, and here we go!
"Okay Oblo. I hope you live up to it. [...] But, if you duck out of your promise. I swear you’ll have to face the music."
So, with this chilling threat, I finally finished my first Writeoff entry under my real alias. I'm spared Mono's wrath, but probably not the wrath of reviewers.
So, good luck to all, and here we go!
I don't have anything very constructive to add; I usually leave that to the better reviewers. But I do want to say that I actually quite liked this, for what it's worth. I like time travel, it's clever, and it's a solid story to me.
>>Not_A_Hat
The dialogue in general seemed off to me, but I singled in on 'sepulchral' because it seems like slightly too byzantine of a word to use to describe dialogue. Dunno. Maybe I'm just dumb. I'm new to this whole reviewing business.
The dialogue in general seemed off to me, but I singled in on 'sepulchral' because it seems like slightly too byzantine of a word to use to describe dialogue. Dunno. Maybe I'm just dumb. I'm new to this whole reviewing business.
I like this one! Except for:
a sepulchral voiceSepulchral? Don't do that, please and thank you.
>>DuskPhoenix
That was my thought upon reading the reviews. I don't think the author thought, "Alright, I'll take this idea and add lesbians. Groundbreaking!"
It's just another one of the dead-end stories that enter the Writeoff, but it happens to have lesbians. I don't think it deserves to be remarked on.
Having said that, I'm sure the first commenter only mentioned lesbians as a joke.
That was my thought upon reading the reviews. I don't think the author thought, "Alright, I'll take this idea and add lesbians. Groundbreaking!"
It's just another one of the dead-end stories that enter the Writeoff, but it happens to have lesbians. I don't think it deserves to be remarked on.
Having said that, I'm sure the first commenter only mentioned lesbians as a joke.
I knew there was going to be one of these, especially because of this prompt.
It's not original. We've read this story before, in 'Original' rounds as well as MLP ones.
It's relatable, sure. I'm positive that whoever wrote this just needed to get an entry in for the sake of doing so, and went with the oldest idea in the books.
I'll probably abstain. Sorry.
It's not original. We've read this story before, in 'Original' rounds as well as MLP ones.
It's relatable, sure. I'm positive that whoever wrote this just needed to get an entry in for the sake of doing so, and went with the oldest idea in the books.
I'll probably abstain. Sorry.
As someone who is weird enough to watch Prime Minister's Questions for entertainment, I found this pretty good. But it doesn't go anywhere, unfortunately.
So, that happened. Or, is happening, I guess.
I thought it was written well but it just wasn't made for the minific round. There has to be more.
I thought it was written well but it just wasn't made for the minific round. There has to be more.
Paging WIP