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I don't recall the lyrics to "Spinning Wheel" enough to know how much of this is a riff on it, but the beginning at least appears to be. The structural stuff all works well, and it's a silly thing about someone trying to ride a pony only to have the pony ride him instead.
Not sure if the misspelling of Lucille is deliberate and meaningful. I'm trying to figure out what it means. What a smoke alarm has to do with Lucy or dice. Lucy's defining characteristics of course being red hair, I envisioned red dice, but then the poem specifically mentions black and white. The prompt is no help, aside from possibly meaning the dice are rolling. Maybe someone's playing dice while a TV is on nearby? Sorry, I just couldn't grasp what was going on here.
Ah, I get what the title means. Gimmicks like this are often interesting ways to prompt flashfiction. Just the format alone had me thinking haiku, but the syllable counts don't correspond. Fun little piece.
You kind of hammer on that point in the first paragraph. you mention twice that AI is replacing people, twice that people are being replaced in general, and once that people are losing their jobs.
That's also a rather large infodump up front. It would help if you broke it up with some action beats. Like between each paragraph of the first scene, have something about Beth walking to Mr. Rare's office or some such. That helps diminish a bit that it is an infodump. And then nothing actually happens in the first scene, leaving me wondering why you're introducing Beth at all. I presume she'll turn up again later, but either make it apparent something is pending with her in this scene, or move it to when something does happen. Once I hit the second scene, I wondered why the first one was even there.
Then the second scene has more infodumping. The bigger problem here is that you're using a limited narrator, and this infodump comes after Beth has already arrived at Carri's desk with something urgent to discuss. Carri already knows this, so her attention should be on Beth and what her issue is, and instead you have her attention on summing up sentiments around the office and speculating on other employees' attitudes. That's not where Carri's attention should be.
Through the middle, I'm losing a sense that there's a plot arc. It's kind of turning into a philosophical argument, but without the characters being set up to have one, since they're trying to deal with an emergency. Either that, or the author wanted to write an informative piece and tacked a drama on to it.
I do wonder when Beth acquired this poison. As much as this whole discussion seems like a spur-of-the-moment thing, she must have planned it out well in advance.
Okay, kinda figured on an ending like that. I had a couple in mind, and this is pretty close to one of them. The other thing that kind of broadcast the twist was that there was still a lot of potential aftermath to handle, but that scroll bar was getting awfully near the bottom.
I'm a tad ambiguous on the ending. I guess Rare is disappointed that Beth was acting in humanity's best interest and deleted her in favor of developing an AI that wouldn't care about humans? Or maybe he does want her to be ethical, but he thought she took it too far in resorting to murder? Also unclear on whether his choices actually reflect what the programmers want him to do, or if he's gone rogue.
Regardless of the implications of the ending, it was still a nicely executed twist. It dragged a bit in the middle, where it felt more like an excerpt from an ethics of technology lecture, but the setup and conclusion worked well.
That's also a rather large infodump up front. It would help if you broke it up with some action beats. Like between each paragraph of the first scene, have something about Beth walking to Mr. Rare's office or some such. That helps diminish a bit that it is an infodump. And then nothing actually happens in the first scene, leaving me wondering why you're introducing Beth at all. I presume she'll turn up again later, but either make it apparent something is pending with her in this scene, or move it to when something does happen. Once I hit the second scene, I wondered why the first one was even there.
Then the second scene has more infodumping. The bigger problem here is that you're using a limited narrator, and this infodump comes after Beth has already arrived at Carri's desk with something urgent to discuss. Carri already knows this, so her attention should be on Beth and what her issue is, and instead you have her attention on summing up sentiments around the office and speculating on other employees' attitudes. That's not where Carri's attention should be.
Through the middle, I'm losing a sense that there's a plot arc. It's kind of turning into a philosophical argument, but without the characters being set up to have one, since they're trying to deal with an emergency. Either that, or the author wanted to write an informative piece and tacked a drama on to it.
I do wonder when Beth acquired this poison. As much as this whole discussion seems like a spur-of-the-moment thing, she must have planned it out well in advance.
Okay, kinda figured on an ending like that. I had a couple in mind, and this is pretty close to one of them. The other thing that kind of broadcast the twist was that there was still a lot of potential aftermath to handle, but that scroll bar was getting awfully near the bottom.
I'm a tad ambiguous on the ending. I guess Rare is disappointed that Beth was acting in humanity's best interest and deleted her in favor of developing an AI that wouldn't care about humans? Or maybe he does want her to be ethical, but he thought she took it too far in resorting to murder? Also unclear on whether his choices actually reflect what the programmers want him to do, or if he's gone rogue.
Regardless of the implications of the ending, it was still a nicely executed twist. It dragged a bit in the middle, where it felt more like an excerpt from an ethics of technology lecture, but the setup and conclusion worked well.
Before I even saw the title, the prompt already had be thinking this looked like Thomas Dolby. Or at least his video.
Huh, another cool cloud formation no doubt caused by a very specific set of weather conditions.
Another interesting lighting effect, with the clouds able to block the sunlight from the side. Too bad we can't see the prices at that gas station...
Interesting lighting effect. Makes it look like the light is coming from the ground. I guess a peculiar arrangement of clouds causes that?
>>Baal Bunny
Ah, I've got several Brubeck albums. He does love doing those off-kilter time signatures. Once the drum solo starts in "Take Five," good luck continuing to pat your knee correctly.
Ah, I've got several Brubeck albums. He does love doing those off-kilter time signatures. Once the drum solo starts in "Take Five," good luck continuing to pat your knee correctly.
Not familiar with this form. It does rely on some words that can be read with varying numbers of syllables, depending on pronunciation (player, kindergartener). This makes a cute mental image of a kid and mother playing soccer. I don't really understand the ending, though. The mom drives a school bus, maybe?
Hm, so a sonnet format, but the stress pattern is not one I've seen before. Is it an alternate style? I usually see iambs, but here you have two amphibrachs followed by three iambs. (Plus the first line is a syllable short.) I assume the "once of twice" was supposed to be "once or twice."
As to the sentiment, I mostly agree. People go nuts for pumpkin spice this time of year to the point it becomes ubiquitous (an entire side of one aisle is devoted to it at Aldi right now). And yet it doesn't taste at all of pumpkin. That said, I understand it as a seasoning blend that is often applied to pumpkin, not including it, similar to a "blackened fish seasoning" not tasting of fish.
As to the sentiment, I mostly agree. People go nuts for pumpkin spice this time of year to the point it becomes ubiquitous (an entire side of one aisle is devoted to it at Aldi right now). And yet it doesn't taste at all of pumpkin. That said, I understand it as a seasoning blend that is often applied to pumpkin, not including it, similar to a "blackened fish seasoning" not tasting of fish.
So... I have no idea what to make of this, but it was fun to read. I think it's about the right length. A novel of this would just be irritating. I'm not even sure if there's a pattern it's following, but I appreciated all the puns, wordplay, substitution of phonetic similarities, and general style. I'd say this reminds me of "Jabberwocky," but it has a much more whimsical feel than that, kind of like an old vaudeville routine. I don't know what I read, but it was an experience.
Ah, a limerick. The strictest definition uses amphibrachs, whereas you have anapests in the longer lines (but still amphibrachs in the short ones), but it's a loose definition, and a lot of limericks break the meter here and there.
Kind of a bit of nonsense verse, as the whole point is that we never have the first idea what this object might be or even look like. The title kind of hints it may be an SCP-like thing whose function actually is to stymie understanding. Cute.
Kind of a bit of nonsense verse, as the whole point is that we never have the first idea what this object might be or even look like. The title kind of hints it may be an SCP-like thing whose function actually is to stymie understanding. Cute.
An extra "fit" on line 2 you forgot to edit out. The rhymes all work, and other than that extra "fit," the syllable counts all work. The rhythm mostly does, though it's a little out of shape in one or two spots. Overall, pretty clean.
Amusing anecdote of the wind blowing the hat off the speaker's head and him imagining that the personified wind had done it on purpose. This was fun.
Amusing anecdote of the wind blowing the hat off the speaker's head and him imagining that the personified wind had done it on purpose. This was fun.
That's one way to avoid a neckbeard. Hm, what was this originally? A dinosaur? An elephant? A Trojan antique?
Hah, rabbits. They assume if they're not moving, you can't see them. Cool little natural arch in the foliage.
I've never seen a formation like that before. I wonder what caused it. Chicken Little must be mental right now.
Hm, trying to determine what these figures are. Quadrupeds? Maybe Dave Matthews with some ants?
That's a pretty cool cloud pattern. I wonder if that photo was taken on the ides of March...
Interesting interpretation of the prompt. Some kind of sonnet form, but I'm not up on the differences between the various ones, so I'm not sure which. Lull/hull/all may be a bit of a weak rhyme, and "macabre" doesn't seem to fit the rhythm, but the rest all works well. Nice musing on how people find skulls so unnerving. Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Poetry's kind of odd sometimes. Like here, once I've read it once already, it's very clear that your first mention of the skull is introducing it as the subject. But on a first read, I just figured it was a piece of imagery and glossed over it without that sinking in until later. But that's on me, as I don't think I would have made a different choice of how to frame it.
Poetry's kind of odd sometimes. Like here, once I've read it once already, it's very clear that your first mention of the skull is introducing it as the subject. But on a first read, I just figured it was a piece of imagery and glossed over it without that sinking in until later. But that's on me, as I don't think I would have made a different choice of how to frame it.
Seems like a sonnet, but the fifth and fourteenth lines have twelve syllables. I've seen "female rhyme," where you can have an unstressed eleventh syllable on the end (and the line rhymed with it should do the same), but I haven't heard of this before. And please/lease doesn't quite rhyme. On "lease," is there an extraneous period after it, or did you mean that to be an ellipsis?
I think I get the picture of what's being described. An antiquated collection of buildings that captures the speaker's interest, in contrast with the modern world around it. It's vividly described, and I like the mental picture it creates.
I think I get the picture of what's being described. An antiquated collection of buildings that captures the speaker's interest, in contrast with the modern world around it. It's vividly described, and I like the mental picture it creates.
Nice use of imagery to illustrate the prompt. Haiku are pretty uncomplicated, so no particular comments. It satisfies all the structural rules.
Paging WIP