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Ah, a limerick. The strictest definition uses amphibrachs, whereas you have anapests in the longer lines (but still amphibrachs in the short ones), but it's a loose definition, and a lot of limericks break the meter here and there.
Kind of a bit of nonsense verse, as the whole point is that we never have the first idea what this object might be or even look like. The title kind of hints it may be an SCP-like thing whose function actually is to stymie understanding. Cute.
Kind of a bit of nonsense verse, as the whole point is that we never have the first idea what this object might be or even look like. The title kind of hints it may be an SCP-like thing whose function actually is to stymie understanding. Cute.
An extra "fit" on line 2 you forgot to edit out. The rhymes all work, and other than that extra "fit," the syllable counts all work. The rhythm mostly does, though it's a little out of shape in one or two spots. Overall, pretty clean.
Amusing anecdote of the wind blowing the hat off the speaker's head and him imagining that the personified wind had done it on purpose. This was fun.
Amusing anecdote of the wind blowing the hat off the speaker's head and him imagining that the personified wind had done it on purpose. This was fun.
That's one way to avoid a neckbeard. Hm, what was this originally? A dinosaur? An elephant? A Trojan antique?
Hah, rabbits. They assume if they're not moving, you can't see them. Cool little natural arch in the foliage.
I've never seen a formation like that before. I wonder what caused it. Chicken Little must be mental right now.
Hm, trying to determine what these figures are. Quadrupeds? Maybe Dave Matthews with some ants?
That's a pretty cool cloud pattern. I wonder if that photo was taken on the ides of March...
Interesting interpretation of the prompt. Some kind of sonnet form, but I'm not up on the differences between the various ones, so I'm not sure which. Lull/hull/all may be a bit of a weak rhyme, and "macabre" doesn't seem to fit the rhythm, but the rest all works well. Nice musing on how people find skulls so unnerving. Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Poetry's kind of odd sometimes. Like here, once I've read it once already, it's very clear that your first mention of the skull is introducing it as the subject. But on a first read, I just figured it was a piece of imagery and glossed over it without that sinking in until later. But that's on me, as I don't think I would have made a different choice of how to frame it.
Poetry's kind of odd sometimes. Like here, once I've read it once already, it's very clear that your first mention of the skull is introducing it as the subject. But on a first read, I just figured it was a piece of imagery and glossed over it without that sinking in until later. But that's on me, as I don't think I would have made a different choice of how to frame it.
Seems like a sonnet, but the fifth and fourteenth lines have twelve syllables. I've seen "female rhyme," where you can have an unstressed eleventh syllable on the end (and the line rhymed with it should do the same), but I haven't heard of this before. And please/lease doesn't quite rhyme. On "lease," is there an extraneous period after it, or did you mean that to be an ellipsis?
I think I get the picture of what's being described. An antiquated collection of buildings that captures the speaker's interest, in contrast with the modern world around it. It's vividly described, and I like the mental picture it creates.
I think I get the picture of what's being described. An antiquated collection of buildings that captures the speaker's interest, in contrast with the modern world around it. It's vividly described, and I like the mental picture it creates.
Nice use of imagery to illustrate the prompt. Haiku are pretty uncomplicated, so no particular comments. It satisfies all the structural rules.
Free verse, more or less, so no comments on structure.
I like the personification and the word choices here. The one that threw me a bit is I didn't know if "intent" was used twice intentionally to make a thematic point. I couldn't find a purpose to it, so I'll assume the poet didn't notice.
I like the personification and the word choices here. The one that threw me a bit is I didn't know if "intent" was used twice intentionally to make a thematic point. I couldn't find a purpose to it, so I'll assume the poet didn't notice.
I grew up watching the Holmes mysteries on A&E, so I'm conditioned to picture Jeremy Brett in my head for Holmes. This isn't that far off.
Was out of town that week and missed any writeoff activities.
I like the punnery in this. I did a similar thing once, where Pinkie and Sombra kept mangling the phrase "What were you thinking?" Pretty much the same idea as a feghoot, where you can tolerate significant breaches in characterization to support the punchline, but then this didn't deviate from their characters much anyway. Thanks for some puns that caused some nice groaning agony.
I like the punnery in this. I did a similar thing once, where Pinkie and Sombra kept mangling the phrase "What were you thinking?" Pretty much the same idea as a feghoot, where you can tolerate significant breaches in characterization to support the punchline, but then this didn't deviate from their characters much anyway. Thanks for some puns that caused some nice groaning agony.
>>georg
On the one hand, I can get what you're saying, that you went for a deliberate effect on the wandering perspective at times. On the other, authorial intent doesn't always come across well in the final product, and this isn't the kind of thing that made me think, "If I give the author the benefit of the doubt and look for explanations why he might have done this on purpose, I can appreciate the effect." It didn't create the sense for me you wanted a hectic atmosphere; it was just a distraction. If a reader can't discern something you've done from a mistake, then they're going to assume it's a mistake. It's up to you whether you think many (or any) readers will have the same reaction as me.
Similarly, it wasn't obvious Budi was tipping the pilot versus paying a fare, but fortunately, that's one that takes very little eforrt to explicitly say so that there's no confusion.
On the one hand, I can get what you're saying, that you went for a deliberate effect on the wandering perspective at times. On the other, authorial intent doesn't always come across well in the final product, and this isn't the kind of thing that made me think, "If I give the author the benefit of the doubt and look for explanations why he might have done this on purpose, I can appreciate the effect." It didn't create the sense for me you wanted a hectic atmosphere; it was just a distraction. If a reader can't discern something you've done from a mistake, then they're going to assume it's a mistake. It's up to you whether you think many (or any) readers will have the same reaction as me.
Similarly, it wasn't obvious Budi was tipping the pilot versus paying a fare, but fortunately, that's one that takes very little eforrt to explicitly say so that there's no confusion.
So a log rolling contest? I like this description of it. I'm only familiar with the most straightforward form of sonnet, so I don't know if this is also an official one, with the switch-up in rhyme scheme in the second stanza. A couple of spots where the meter is a little forced, but nothing egregious, and structurally it overall works. A nice bit of fun.
I didn't understand this. Without the title, I'm not sure I would have gotten anywhere, but with it, I presume it's from the POV of a teacher. In that vein, it does have some discernible message about the teacher feeling intimidated by the class and feeling like a phony barely holding sway over them. Inadequate to the job, more a day care provider than an educator, etc. Not a bad message of insecurity. There's kind of a structure, and there are some rhymes, but not in a consistent pattern. I'm not sure why there's such a focus on names, unless the teacher feels that's the only thing they can get right.
Haiku or... crap, I forget what they're technically supposed to be called when they're not about nature and don't have a specific kind of first line. Anyway, it's fine enough, and maybe I'm reading into it too much, but is this describing a Dyson sphere?
Off from the rigorous structure of a limerick, which usually has 9, 9, 6, 6, 9 syllables, and the stress pattern is usually anapests or amphibrachs. It's not considered a bad thing for the words to feel forced into their stress pattern, as that's common and sometimes thought of as somewhat essential.
As to story, I really don't know. I don't know why heliocentrism is singled out as something Holmes is trying to forget, and I'd take the poem more from Watson's point of view is accusing Holmes of "trying" to forget it, since it doesn't seem like he'd actually want to. Then in the end, it's really going to hinge on the reader recognizing what's honestly a very obscure name these days. Knowing Holmes, I figured it must be a composer or violinist, and it turns out to be both, but I'm a classical music aficionado, and I had only vaguely heard the name before. Not that it would fit a limerick well, but wasn't Holmes more obsessed with Beethoven's violin concerto? I like the idea, but it's pretty esoteric.
As to story, I really don't know. I don't know why heliocentrism is singled out as something Holmes is trying to forget, and I'd take the poem more from Watson's point of view is accusing Holmes of "trying" to forget it, since it doesn't seem like he'd actually want to. Then in the end, it's really going to hinge on the reader recognizing what's honestly a very obscure name these days. Knowing Holmes, I figured it must be a composer or violinist, and it turns out to be both, but I'm a classical music aficionado, and I had only vaguely heard the name before. Not that it would fit a limerick well, but wasn't Holmes more obsessed with Beethoven's violin concerto? I like the idea, but it's pretty esoteric.
On structure, it looks like only the 2nd and 4th lines rhyme, and the lines alternate 8 and 10 syllables. That makes for a somewhat irregular read, but there's nothing wrong with it. The second line of the final stanza seems to come up a syllable short, though.
On story, I'm really not sure what's happening here. Is this someone watching a nuclear explosion? But I'm not sure why he's doing that, whether he's the one who caused it (and again why), and that leaves me not knowing what the last line is supposed to mean. Good imagery, but I'm lost as to what point it's making.
On story, I'm really not sure what's happening here. Is this someone watching a nuclear explosion? But I'm not sure why he's doing that, whether he's the one who caused it (and again why), and that leaves me not knowing what the last line is supposed to mean. Good imagery, but I'm lost as to what point it's making.
Structurally, I'm not sure what you're going for. There's not a regular meter. The first stanza has an ABAB rhyme scheme which sets up expectations, but the rest are ABCB. That first stanza even had an internal B rhyme in the third line, but then the third stanza has an internal C rhyme.
I suppose the title should have clued me in, but I didn't understand what was going on until the final stanza. I though the "you" in the first line was to some non-specific person, and the two middle stanzas don't really evoke someone screwing up the universe, so it's only at the end I see what the story to it is, and they I have to go back over it all. I think it would have been more coherent if you'd made that clear in the first stanza. Once that understanding dawns, though, it's a fun enough poem.
I suppose the title should have clued me in, but I didn't understand what was going on until the final stanza. I though the "you" in the first line was to some non-specific person, and the two middle stanzas don't really evoke someone screwing up the universe, so it's only at the end I see what the story to it is, and they I have to go back over it all. I think it would have been more coherent if you'd made that clear in the first stanza. Once that understanding dawns, though, it's a fun enough poem.
"if you'd be like a job"
The "be" is extraneous there, right?
"though not, of course, at her heels since she has regular animal feet instead of human feet so it's just her toes on the ground with her heels sticking out behind her above my head even when I'm sitting up"
This struck me a little odd, since there are no humans in the story and Esker doesn't live around any, so why is a human-shaped foot his primary frame of reference? You do have him aware of his audience, and maybe he knows his audience is human?
"when I wasn't broken or on fire of something similar"
Was that "of" supposed to be a second "or"?
"we quickly found ourselves"
"I'd found my voice by then."
Pretty soon to repeat that word already.
This sure sounds like other similarly cute things you've entered before, and it just might fit in really well with all the Cluny lore. Fun read, and the only thing it left me wishing for (and you probably didn't have the time/space to add it) is some demonstration of the relationship. A lot of it comes out well enough through anecdote and reference, but it might be nice to see an example of Esker actually helping Basilon and being useful. Without that, I'm wondering whether he ever is or Basilon just humors him.
The "be" is extraneous there, right?
"though not, of course, at her heels since she has regular animal feet instead of human feet so it's just her toes on the ground with her heels sticking out behind her above my head even when I'm sitting up"
This struck me a little odd, since there are no humans in the story and Esker doesn't live around any, so why is a human-shaped foot his primary frame of reference? You do have him aware of his audience, and maybe he knows his audience is human?
"when I wasn't broken or on fire of something similar"
Was that "of" supposed to be a second "or"?
"we quickly found ourselves"
"I'd found my voice by then."
Pretty soon to repeat that word already.
This sure sounds like other similarly cute things you've entered before, and it just might fit in really well with all the Cluny lore. Fun read, and the only thing it left me wishing for (and you probably didn't have the time/space to add it) is some demonstration of the relationship. A lot of it comes out well enough through anecdote and reference, but it might be nice to see an example of Esker actually helping Basilon and being useful. Without that, I'm wondering whether he ever is or Basilon just humors him.
The line beginning "My field" is a syllable short. Otherwise, the rhyme and meter all work. It did take a second try to get the short stanzas right in my head, since they change the stress pattern from the longer stanzas; a reader will naturally assume at first that it'll be consistent in the type of foot used, even if the number of feet will clearly be changing just by the noticeably shorter lines.
If I'm reading this right, a guy who was warned of the dangers of interacting with fairies indulges in doing so anyway, gets fascinated by it, and withdraws just in time to avoid losing himself. And not just any interaction, but a royal procession. This is very evocative and creates a strong mood. I think it was a good choice to use feet with two syllables, since that creates a walking or marching feel that matches what the fairies are doing. This was fun.
If I'm reading this right, a guy who was warned of the dangers of interacting with fairies indulges in doing so anyway, gets fascinated by it, and withdraws just in time to avoid losing himself. And not just any interaction, but a royal procession. This is very evocative and creates a strong mood. I think it was a good choice to use feet with two syllables, since that creates a walking or marching feel that matches what the fairies are doing. This was fun.
I'm unclear on whether the birds are chastising humans for having fake bird calls (in cuckoo clocks or whatever) that don't do the real thing justice, or if they're saying that human music doesn't approach the beauty of birdsong. If the latter, then is the intent that the reader will pick up on the bird's hypocrisy? It accuses humans of copying birdsong without understanding its expressiveness, yet human music also undoubtedly has expressiveness in it that birds wouldn't understand, and the bird doesn't concede that possibility.
In form, there are no hitches, except that there are two ways to pronounce "banal," and I've always heard "BAY-null," so that's how I read it at first. Another cute poem.
In form, there are no hitches, except that there are two ways to pronounce "banal," and I've always heard "BAY-null," so that's how I read it at first. Another cute poem.
Ugh, missed a poetry event while I was on vacation. Everyone tied for gold!
Assuming I actually know how Skrillex is pronounced (and I may well not), the stress pattern seems backwards to fit the meter, but otherwise, this has no issues with rhyme or meter. I also like it when authors don't feel obligated to have line endings coincide with pause points in the sentences. Very brief but nice peek into someone who cares about his wife and wants to encourage her fun even though she's not talented at singing. This was cute.
Assuming I actually know how Skrillex is pronounced (and I may well not), the stress pattern seems backwards to fit the meter, but otherwise, this has no issues with rhyme or meter. I also like it when authors don't feel obligated to have line endings coincide with pause points in the sentences. Very brief but nice peek into someone who cares about his wife and wants to encourage her fun even though she's not talented at singing. This was cute.
Paging WIP