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>>Pascoite, >>GroaningGreyAgony, >>Heavy_Mole
Thanks everyone for the feedback! I wasn't up quite as late a Gray, but I definitely had the same attitude of 'falling asleep, good enough' when I sent this one in. Glad it worked out.
My goal with this was to see what could be done with the absolute minimum number of words. This was inspired by a recent camping trip where we hiked in to an off grid cabin in winter. I don't know how well this is able to convey the awe I felt standing in the perfectly dark forest as the sky opened up above me. Especially after living in the city for so long I wanted to convey the serenity of the experience, how much there is to see and feel when the light and bustle of society are absent.
Thanks everyone for the feedback! I wasn't up quite as late a Gray, but I definitely had the same attitude of 'falling asleep, good enough' when I sent this one in. Glad it worked out.
My goal with this was to see what could be done with the absolute minimum number of words. This was inspired by a recent camping trip where we hiked in to an off grid cabin in winter. I don't know how well this is able to convey the awe I felt standing in the perfectly dark forest as the sky opened up above me. Especially after living in the city for so long I wanted to convey the serenity of the experience, how much there is to see and feel when the light and bustle of society are absent.
This seems... angry, self-righteous, and grieving.
The poet gives me the impression that they are raging against the heavens, accusing God of negligence and apathy. There is a certain amount of leeway left by the phrase 'In my mind' where they know others might see them as wrong or evil, but they banish the moral positions of others and declare their own perspective as the correct one. And damn the others. (Feels like a member of the inquisition)
Overall, I like it. It's a solid image in the mind and seems to insinuate a lot about the character. Even if I don't agree with the position taken it still does a lot with the limited words.
The poet gives me the impression that they are raging against the heavens, accusing God of negligence and apathy. There is a certain amount of leeway left by the phrase 'In my mind' where they know others might see them as wrong or evil, but they banish the moral positions of others and declare their own perspective as the correct one. And damn the others. (Feels like a member of the inquisition)
Overall, I like it. It's a solid image in the mind and seems to insinuate a lot about the character. Even if I don't agree with the position taken it still does a lot with the limited words.
Initial Reaction:
This poem gives me a disjointed impression. It feels like a child telling a story, or an old legend/fairly tale, but each line is skipping several parts in between. This lacks the cohesiveness to form a central image in my mind.
Thinking about it:
Now, if I reframe it as someone describing the moon as it goes through it's phases it makes more sense. Ultimately, the personification doesn't really help the understanding of the story. Calling it 'Mooncurl' when the other is called 'Sun' is a bit misleading.
Ultimately it feels more like a riddle (kind of want to add "What am I?" to the end), or an old aboriginal man telling stories over a campfire. It works, but I think it needs a bit more context if the reader is supposed to understand quickly. Maybe a bit less abstraction, unless you want the reader to spend extra time on it. I'm not sure regular people would think on it that long.
This poem gives me a disjointed impression. It feels like a child telling a story, or an old legend/fairly tale, but each line is skipping several parts in between. This lacks the cohesiveness to form a central image in my mind.
Thinking about it:
Now, if I reframe it as someone describing the moon as it goes through it's phases it makes more sense. Ultimately, the personification doesn't really help the understanding of the story. Calling it 'Mooncurl' when the other is called 'Sun' is a bit misleading.
Ultimately it feels more like a riddle (kind of want to add "What am I?" to the end), or an old aboriginal man telling stories over a campfire. It works, but I think it needs a bit more context if the reader is supposed to understand quickly. Maybe a bit less abstraction, unless you want the reader to spend extra time on it. I'm not sure regular people would think on it that long.
I'll admit, as a certified normie, this one kind of went over my head a bit. The old-timy phrases took me a while to digest. On this one the title was required reading to parse through the poem. Words like 'bowr'd' and 'solicitude' are not something I generally run across.
So it seems that the poet is passing by an old picture on the fridge and wondering at how time has changed the individual. How young and vibrant they were, and now are now presumably old and frail. Or they have the wrong person. Makes me think they're an in-law who doesn't know the history of the photo very well. (Or maybe they're the help. The last stanza seems to go against the rest of the poem.)
Visually the two syllable lines break up the blocks rather well. They represent a pause for the poet as they consider various things. I can imagine doing something similar if I found an old picture of my grandmother in a drawer somewhere.
Altogether, good job. It's not the sort of poem I would probably read, but it seems to be well put together.
So it seems that the poet is passing by an old picture on the fridge and wondering at how time has changed the individual. How young and vibrant they were, and now are now presumably old and frail. Or they have the wrong person. Makes me think they're an in-law who doesn't know the history of the photo very well. (Or maybe they're the help. The last stanza seems to go against the rest of the poem.)
Visually the two syllable lines break up the blocks rather well. They represent a pause for the poet as they consider various things. I can imagine doing something similar if I found an old picture of my grandmother in a drawer somewhere.
Altogether, good job. It's not the sort of poem I would probably read, but it seems to be well put together.
This conjured up the image of the Grim Reaper shaving off time like you would a slice of cheese. He lays you on a board and, bit by bit, cuts away at you.
The double rhyming scheme was appreciated, but I found that the flow was somewhat jagged on a few lines. The second line of each paragraph trips me up each time I read it, especially the word 'descending'. While I can build up a rhythm for the poem the 'descending' line makes me quick-step on the delivery when I'm reading it aloud.
Otherwise, good job. It isn't quite clear how the title plays into the poem as they don't seem to 'End', but good overall.
The double rhyming scheme was appreciated, but I found that the flow was somewhat jagged on a few lines. The second line of each paragraph trips me up each time I read it, especially the word 'descending'. While I can build up a rhythm for the poem the 'descending' line makes me quick-step on the delivery when I'm reading it aloud.
Otherwise, good job. It isn't quite clear how the title plays into the poem as they don't seem to 'End', but good overall.
Its a good image of a quiet forest, but it's fairly bare bones other than that. There's not much of a story beyond the one image. It reads almost more like a blurb on a picture than a poem.
The actual Image itself is almost visceral. The feeling of standing in a snow covered forest as everything is silent is a potent image, but it is a snapshot. Not a story but a single moment. Not necessarily bad, but not a stand out either.
The actual Image itself is almost visceral. The feeling of standing in a snow covered forest as everything is silent is a potent image, but it is a snapshot. Not a story but a single moment. Not necessarily bad, but not a stand out either.
This is by far the most conventional poem on this list and suffers not at all from that fact. It is easy to read, employs a smattering of humor, and even has a moral at the end (how nice!).
The self deprecation in the middle does drag it down to an extent. It trips over itself with a few transitions and wanders afield for a while but eventually ties everything up in a nice bow.
The self deprecation in the middle does drag it down to an extent. It trips over itself with a few transitions and wanders afield for a while but eventually ties everything up in a nice bow.
This poem reads well when spoken. The pacing created by the format creates the idea of two voices speaking both together and to each other. I think there was a missed opportunity to create a second narrative here, similarly to Hole in the Sky, where the long and short sentences could stand independently of one another.
The break in the stanzas is somewhat unnecessary. If it was going to be created using stanzas then it can be argued that it should be incorporated into the style and made uniform. Given the length this could have been broken into three equal length stanzas equally. But maybe the break could also be unintentional so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The break in the stanzas is somewhat unnecessary. If it was going to be created using stanzas then it can be argued that it should be incorporated into the style and made uniform. Given the length this could have been broken into three equal length stanzas equally. But maybe the break could also be unintentional so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This poem evokes thoughts of the apocalypse. Not with fire and death, but of the quiet afterwards. When the grass is grown and the dust settled. When only husks remain to remind the world what once was, and the world moves on irregardless.
It’s a little hard to pin down the subject or theme, but is effective at conveying the feeling.
It’s a little hard to pin down the subject or theme, but is effective at conveying the feeling.
Clever. Took me a second to figure out the ‘poem within a poem’ thing, and I almost wrote it off when I saw it, but I think I’ve come around. Fear is the mind killer.
I’m honestly not sure how to critique this. Given the framework you’ve been operating in it seems rather well done. The hidden text could be interpreted as the idea that in the face of the all consuming dread of the future we forget to see the larger picture, but there I go projecting again.
This reminded me of A FLEet|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS, so now I have to go read that again.
I’m honestly not sure how to critique this. Given the framework you’ve been operating in it seems rather well done. The hidden text could be interpreted as the idea that in the face of the all consuming dread of the future we forget to see the larger picture, but there I go projecting again.
This reminded me of A FLEet|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS, so now I have to go read that again.
The poem seems wistful and regretful that we must leave our home and journey into the unknown. Even if we don’t know when it will happen there’s still something sad about leaving home. I like that theme.
It could stand to be more assertive. Especially with a piece of poetry like this you don’t have to be making statements of fact but can rather make statements of opinion. The phrase “dead or boring” seems a little indecisive, even if it is factual.
Nice poem! Very spoken-word-esque.
It could stand to be more assertive. Especially with a piece of poetry like this you don’t have to be making statements of fact but can rather make statements of opinion. The phrase “dead or boring” seems a little indecisive, even if it is factual.
Nice poem! Very spoken-word-esque.
So this story falls right into the "Humans are the Real Monsters" Trope. The humans are killing these things because they're there, and apparently because that's 'Just What Humans Do'. In my experience, humans always have a reason for how they react- even if that reason is 'I'm Scared'- and painting them as uncaring kill-bots who also love their children is too simple for something as complex as a human.
The monster in this story doesn't behave like a human- he is a human in every way except for the brief mentions of his physical appearance. Every living thing is a product of the environment from which they evolved. Humans developed hands and brains to survive, so why would an enormous black dog creature evolve in a multicolored jungle? There needs to be more to differentiate these creatures from humans.
Their entire species can also apparently speak and read the human's language perfectly. If the humans just showed up one day and started killing things, as humans apparently do, then how did the creatures get access to the human culture and history?
The boy notes at one point how what he is experiencing is very much different from what a "human from Earth" would experience. This insinuates that 1- these humans came from earth, and 2- they have the ability to move from earth to this planet. This being the case and lacking any apparent magic, why are they using arrows for military action? Especially poisoned ones.
Finally: The Arrow.
A Bit of Realism: I know it's often ignored in fantasy and media, but yanking old-timey arrows out is usually a really bad idea. Those arrowheads were usually secured with a bit of gut or string, and had a tenancy to loosen when whetted by something like blood. This could leave the arrowhead behind to cut the person up from the inside every time they moved. Much more dangerous than leaving a bullet inside someone.
The monster in this story doesn't behave like a human- he is a human in every way except for the brief mentions of his physical appearance. Every living thing is a product of the environment from which they evolved. Humans developed hands and brains to survive, so why would an enormous black dog creature evolve in a multicolored jungle? There needs to be more to differentiate these creatures from humans.
Their entire species can also apparently speak and read the human's language perfectly. If the humans just showed up one day and started killing things, as humans apparently do, then how did the creatures get access to the human culture and history?
The boy notes at one point how what he is experiencing is very much different from what a "human from Earth" would experience. This insinuates that 1- these humans came from earth, and 2- they have the ability to move from earth to this planet. This being the case and lacking any apparent magic, why are they using arrows for military action? Especially poisoned ones.
Finally: The Arrow.
A Bit of Realism: I know it's often ignored in fantasy and media, but yanking old-timey arrows out is usually a really bad idea. Those arrowheads were usually secured with a bit of gut or string, and had a tenancy to loosen when whetted by something like blood. This could leave the arrowhead behind to cut the person up from the inside every time they moved. Much more dangerous than leaving a bullet inside someone.
The plot is sound, though it is kinda weird that you keep referring to him as 'Old Thunderlane' and the story takes place before the return of Night Mare Moon(?). With all this talk of flight camp I think this is happening early in the series, especially with Thunderlane first meeting Fluttershy, but then there's the talk of Rainbow saving ponyville. Why would Thunderlane ever stop by ponyville if he had such a problem with Dash?
Two critiques I had were that the thoughts would sometimes spill over everywhere and the tempo got a little wonky at times.
Several times a thought would bleed into the next line, or even stanza, and the pace would get interrupted. A really good example was from the line that started with About?” He shrugged. So Fluttershy. I stumbled so hard on that line and spent almost a minute puzzling out that it was referring to the previous stanza. Each paragraph suggests that unit is self contained and when that is broken on occasion rather than as a consistently it brought me out of the rhythm.
Breaking that down even further, is sort of it's own thought. One stanza went:
"The second place held special terror.
To lose to gold: that was an error
No Wonderbolt could ever make.
And Thunderlane had made mistakes.
When I read it there's a pause between error and No that naturally occurs because of the way poetry is normally read, but breaks the story's continuity.
In addition, many of the lines seem to hitch in the middle. The lines rhyme and mostly work in meter, the tempo will space out for a moment if you're speaking them out loud. The line First Flight Camp, then the weather team: has had me stumbling every time I try to say it.
Two critiques I had were that the thoughts would sometimes spill over everywhere and the tempo got a little wonky at times.
Several times a thought would bleed into the next line, or even stanza, and the pace would get interrupted. A really good example was from the line that started with About?” He shrugged. So Fluttershy. I stumbled so hard on that line and spent almost a minute puzzling out that it was referring to the previous stanza. Each paragraph suggests that unit is self contained and when that is broken on occasion rather than as a consistently it brought me out of the rhythm.
Breaking that down even further, is sort of it's own thought. One stanza went:
"The second place held special terror.
To lose to gold: that was an error
No Wonderbolt could ever make.
And Thunderlane had made mistakes.
When I read it there's a pause between error and No that naturally occurs because of the way poetry is normally read, but breaks the story's continuity.
In addition, many of the lines seem to hitch in the middle. The lines rhyme and mostly work in meter, the tempo will space out for a moment if you're speaking them out loud. The line First Flight Camp, then the weather team: has had me stumbling every time I try to say it.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Anonymity be dammed, just this once.
It would make the city really crowded really fast.
Anonymity be dammed, just this once.
It would make the city really crowded really fast.
Oh man. I almost want WriteOff Topia to win, but I'm not sure I could do a decent characterization of anyone in here.
>>GaPJaxie
Yeah. Finally got around to reading this. Took too long for a story this good. I can't believe it didn't end up on my slate. I don't really have too much to say about this though. It hit a bit close to home for me and that made it almost a little too visceral. Good job.
I will say that the last line was really good. It struck a note of dissonance with me that was really galvanized by your explanation in the comments. "I'll be fine" isn't something you say about your friend dying, but you might say about your dog. Or your car.
I look forward to reading the entire piece, although with some trepidation.
Yeah. Finally got around to reading this. Took too long for a story this good. I can't believe it didn't end up on my slate. I don't really have too much to say about this though. It hit a bit close to home for me and that made it almost a little too visceral. Good job.
I will say that the last line was really good. It struck a note of dissonance with me that was really galvanized by your explanation in the comments. "I'll be fine" isn't something you say about your friend dying, but you might say about your dog. Or your car.
I look forward to reading the entire piece, although with some trepidation.
>>Monokeras
I don't think the ending has to change per say, so much as it needs to avoid such a hard right turn tonal wise. Make the turn, sure, but give us a little time to digest one sudden shift before the next.
In service to that, it might be useful to think about who Death was trying to fool with his display. Twilight was already on board so I feel like it would be strange to hoodwink her, unless it's in service of hoodwinking another.
Twilight gets thrown out, that's all well and good. Let her mope for a bit before Death shows up again. Have him give her a half truth/fiction explanation/performance, let Twilight rail on him for a moment while giving credence to Celestia's negative impression of Death, and then boot Twilight into that nearby hole so she lands back in time. Give Twilight a moment to orient herself and realize that, yes that did actually just happen and wasn't a dream. Maybe give her some physical proof, like an 'IOU' from Death that burns up in front of her and a scar as a reminder of her promise, and let her do her thing. Then the whole moment of resolution with sappy "I can't believe you're still alive"s while everyone else is confused.
Give that ample time to play out while remembering that Twilight doesn't feel victorious at the end. Death got Twilight's hopes up only to basically kill Fluttershy a second time. Twilight just went through a roller coaster ride of hope, despair, anger, confusion, panic, and relief. She. Is. A. Mess. And now that Fluttershy and Rainbow are safe there's nothing holding those emotions in check. It's gonna get on everyone and nobody knows why this unicorn, who was so happy a second ago, is now panicked out of her mind. And she can't tell anyone.
For the final scene after the spelling mistake, maybe have Death look up at a lens? "Smile and wave for the camera." Some sort of nod as to why he needed to enact the subterfuge other than just for laughs, cause that's how it kind of came off as the first time.
Like I said. The bones of the story are good and you did a good job seeding lots of little tidbits throughout. Now is the time for the pay off. Leaving them unresolved invites a storm of "But... but why?!"s from the audience, and leaving too many is dangerous for a story. It might have a happy ending, but beatings still apply and everyone has an angle.
Also: This is only my interpretation of how I would have had things play out. The story is, in the end, yours. My suggestions are only that, and I look forward to seeing what you do with the story.
P.S. - Rainbow is definitely gonna be pissed at Twilight for messing up her trick, and then confused and guilty with Twilight's reaction.
P.P.S. - I think of the moment Twilight catches Rainbow as the climax, so you might think of beefing that up some. It was really thin in the original.
P.P.P.s - I wonder... Did Celestia call in a favor for her student?
I don't think the ending has to change per say, so much as it needs to avoid such a hard right turn tonal wise. Make the turn, sure, but give us a little time to digest one sudden shift before the next.
In service to that, it might be useful to think about who Death was trying to fool with his display. Twilight was already on board so I feel like it would be strange to hoodwink her, unless it's in service of hoodwinking another.
Twilight gets thrown out, that's all well and good. Let her mope for a bit before Death shows up again. Have him give her a half truth/fiction explanation/performance, let Twilight rail on him for a moment while giving credence to Celestia's negative impression of Death, and then boot Twilight into that nearby hole so she lands back in time. Give Twilight a moment to orient herself and realize that, yes that did actually just happen and wasn't a dream. Maybe give her some physical proof, like an 'IOU' from Death that burns up in front of her and a scar as a reminder of her promise, and let her do her thing. Then the whole moment of resolution with sappy "I can't believe you're still alive"s while everyone else is confused.
Give that ample time to play out while remembering that Twilight doesn't feel victorious at the end. Death got Twilight's hopes up only to basically kill Fluttershy a second time. Twilight just went through a roller coaster ride of hope, despair, anger, confusion, panic, and relief. She. Is. A. Mess. And now that Fluttershy and Rainbow are safe there's nothing holding those emotions in check. It's gonna get on everyone and nobody knows why this unicorn, who was so happy a second ago, is now panicked out of her mind. And she can't tell anyone.
For the final scene after the spelling mistake, maybe have Death look up at a lens? "Smile and wave for the camera." Some sort of nod as to why he needed to enact the subterfuge other than just for laughs, cause that's how it kind of came off as the first time.
Like I said. The bones of the story are good and you did a good job seeding lots of little tidbits throughout. Now is the time for the pay off. Leaving them unresolved invites a storm of "But... but why?!"s from the audience, and leaving too many is dangerous for a story. It might have a happy ending, but beatings still apply and everyone has an angle.
Also: This is only my interpretation of how I would have had things play out. The story is, in the end, yours. My suggestions are only that, and I look forward to seeing what you do with the story.
P.S. - Rainbow is definitely gonna be pissed at Twilight for messing up her trick, and then confused and guilty with Twilight's reaction.
P.P.S. - I think of the moment Twilight catches Rainbow as the climax, so you might think of beefing that up some. It was really thin in the original.
P.P.P.s - I wonder... Did Celestia call in a favor for her student?
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