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#24163 ·
· on Well It Starts As A Joke... · >>Meridian_Prime
>>Meridian_Prime
Oh, thank goodness, it was meant as Awkward Dad Energy. It came across as "You 18 yet?" energy when I read it.
#24154 · 3
· on Daring Do and the Greatest Adventure
>>Chris >>Meridian_Prime >>Bachiavellian >>Baal Bunny >>Comma Typer
I'd say that went well. Mostly. I only got the idea for this on the last day of the submission period, hence the relative lack of polish, but I'm glad to see it got a generally positive reception. I'm getting some mixed signals from the comments, especially regarding the opening scene, but I think I see what I need to do to get this ready for primetime.

As for the content itself, I eventually settled on that ancient map of the known world (which is admittedly more often known as a T & O map rather than the other way around,) and antiquity implies Daring Do. Incorporating the map into an artifact was a no-brainer. But then what?

Well, Daballeron's grown on me in the wake of "Daring Doubt," and even more so after Liquid Truth's Daring Do and the Fidget Spinner. With that story in mind, I worked in the ambiguity and uncertainty of Ot as well. How better to do so than Daring confronting something that no amount of scouring ancient texts can help with? Or, more accurately, Caballeron making her confront it rather than trying ot pretend everything is normal and familiar and as safe as dynamic archeology can be. (He's the one who works with a group more often. Even if they're minions, he's going to be the more socially aware one.)

So yeah, I'm quite happy with this. Thanks to everyone who got the word out about this round.
#24140 · 1
· on Phoning ot In. · >>horizon >>GroaningGreyAgony
I'm surprised this wasn't connected to Wotchmen. It works great as a visualization of Ot's more irreverent side.
#24092 ·
· on Overtime · >>Meridian_Prime
This is some good police drama, but it's suffering from "humans in funny suits" syndrome. Beyond names and species, this could all be taking place on Earth. Consider especially the line "White Lightning’s eye twitched as she gripped her pistol tighter," emphasis mine.

Don't get me wrong, it's a gripping read. It's just one with a very thin veneer of pony.
#24091 ·
· on Daring Do and the Greatest Adventure
Huh. Multiple stories featuring Caballeron. What are the odds?

In any case, this was a delightful bit of butting heads. The chemistry between the two is certainly present, though there are stretches where the heads go from butting to just talking. Also a few proofreading hiccups here and there, and I'm not sure if the time table for Daring's pregnancy works out.

Still, clever use of the prompt and nice incidental world building. All told, a fun read. Though I can't decide if that end stinger undermines the message or not.
#24090 · 2
· on Well It Starts As A Joke... · >>Meridian_Prime
I'm not sure how many times this story crosses the line, but it came out to an odd number. This just feels off. The Crusaders directly antagonizing Diamond Tiara without provocation, Scootaloo's diction, the overall events as they unfurled, Rainbow Dash's entire deal, Scootaloo not getting who Dash meant with the sister comment...

I'd say it's Uncanny Valley characterization in terms of how everything feels subtly wrong, but there's nothing subtle about this story. I just don't think I'm the right audience for it. Also not sure how it fits the prompt. Is it so off it's ot?
#24089 · 2
· on Belshazzar · >>Chris >>Comma Typer
This left me cold, ironically enough. After the first trip down to Twilight's Cave of Wonders, the narrative goes so dreamlike that it edges on incomprehensibility and mostly stays there. Plus, I've never liked the central premise of the story. She's the Princess of Friendship. I'd like to think she'd be able to make other friends. I admit, a lot of this comes down to personal bias, but I still came out of this one unsatisfied.

Plus, I'm not even sure how it fits the prompt. Overtime, perhaps?
#24088 · 1
· on The Circle and the Cross · >>Chris
Oh, this was a lot of fun. Brilliant use of Rarity's narrative voice to cover up just how much she was glossing over. I honestly don't have a lot to say that isn't summed up by the spoiler, but this was still a subtle delight to read.
#24087 ·
· on The Odd Testament · >>Meridian_Prime >>GroaningGreyAgony
Sans the Winslow? Who cares what other deities are in place if the most important one is missing?

In any case... I mean, it's a fun idea, but the sisters being this foul-mouthed threw me off, and not a single member of the host politely mentioning Satan's work history seems a touch contrived. And the sisters aren't stupid. They're going to catch on at some point, right?

... Right?

In all, the concept is sound and the cubits made me smile, but this reads more like the first chapter of a story I'm not sure if I'd want to follow.
#24086 · 1
· on Kill The Bugs · >>Meridian_Prime >>georg
I've always found that Heinlein quote ironic in the context of ponies, given both cutie marks and the adaptability of changeling shapeshifting.

A Starship Troopers crossover. Didn't see that coming. Brutal imagery on display, with underlying desperation and despair that bleed through all the more clearly at the end. Yet the characters still feel like themselves for the most part. My only major complaint is that the mention of estrus feels superfluous. All told, devastatingly evocative work.

Also, am I correct in thinking that Skinnies are EqG humanoids?
#24085 · 1
· on Obsolete Thaumatology · >>Meridian_Prime >>Baal Bunny
A good answer to a question I hadn't thought to ask. It's one thing to be remembered by history after more than a millennium; it's quite another to have one's work still considered relevant. But Star Swirl didn't exactly have the best track record with the rest of the contemporary scientific community, and so here we are. Plus, I really like this proposed role for Moondancer.

That said, the line between thaumatology and other scientific fields is blurry here. The microwave oven presents several questions in terms of physics, material science, electrical infrastructure, and so forth. Equestria suffers from schizotech at the best of times. In a story about one discipline's apparent stasis, it's especially odd.

Still an interesting thought exercise, though, and I quite appreciated Luna going stir-crazy with her new subjects. The good definitely outweighs the less good here.
#24084 · 2
· on Wotchmen · >>Baal Bunny >>horizon
Everyone asks "What is Ot?" but no one asks "How is Ot?"

A fascinating world, introduced haphazardly. Cramming enough about this unfamiliar universe for us to get a grasp on it while unveiling the mystery at the same time isn't easy, and for a while I wondered where the pony was in all of it. Once this got rolling, it was fantastic, but it took a while to build up momentum. Given more room to breathe (and maybe a couple dozen other stories in the same setting) it will be truly phenomenal.
#24083 ·
· on The Lizard of Ot · >>Baal Bunny
Weee're off to see the Lizard!
(Well, someone had to say it.)

Great bit of rare character interaction, though I do feel Twilight should've been at least a bit more skeptical of the not-so-good doctor. She's the one who introduced Dash to the Daring Do books, after all. (Though I suppose sending Spike to supervise was her way of ensuring he didn't try to sell everything not nailed down.) Still, you approached the prompt in a delightfully metareferential way. Ot is what Ot is, and it is up to each of us to decide what precisely that means.

All told, quite fun all around.
#24072 · 7
·
Two years. Almost two years since my last submission.

Well, let's see wot happens.
#18330 · 4
· on Daring Do and the Fearful Physical · >>BlueChameleonVI
Daring Do and the Fearful Physical

As the title from another story in this round warns us, nothing good comes after 2 AM.

I started writing this one somewhere around 6.

I'm sure that, if given more time, I could've stuck the landing on this one rather than end up worse off than Daring. Sadly, I didn't give myself that time, and thus we have what we have. Fortunately, I've used the time since to devise better, less unsavory ways to draw the story to a close. Special thanks go to >>CoffeeMinion for getting me to declare Suicide of the Author: I like your version so much better than mine, I'm replacing the latter with the former.

>>Chris >>BlueChameleonVI >>No_Raisin >>Trick_Question >>Bachiavellian >>Moosetasm >>Haze >>PaulAsaran
#18327 ·
· on Unexpected Results
Unexpected Results

Appropriately enough, that could've gone better. Can you all tell I'm rusty?

In any case, this one was my first entry, and while the other did do better, I probably should've just refined this one instead. Still, between the Sunlight, the human magic, the transformations, and the title that is literally a Magic card, this one was pure author appeal, so I'm not sure how much there would've been to salvage.

Still, I knew that I was trying to strike a tricky balance when it came to indicating precisely what the outcome of the experiment actually was, and it's clear that I overplayed the coyness and in so doing sacrificed some prime comedic opportunities. Also, funnily enough, the Pinkie scowl was a last minute addition. At first, everyone was just grumping at the nerds, but I wanted to add a bit more personality and variety. That clearly could've gone better.

Suffice to say, this was a very educational first trial, and I think I know what variables to adjust to produce a more favorable result.

>>Trick_Question >>No_Raisin >>BlueChameleonVI >>Bachiavellian >>Posh
#18173 · 1
· on uncreatable
Speaking as a software developer, I know that feel. I know it all too well. Work, dammit.
#18172 ·
· on unexpected results
Adorable! I too would've liked to have seen ponies, but this is still quite cute, especially since it's unclear how much of Twilight's smile comes from the innocent joys of science and how much from the shipping I crowbarred in with all the grace of a half-paralyzed rhino.
#17724 · 2
· on Cutie Mark Guidance Services, Ltd. · >>Moosetasm
So… When is the Map sending the main cast to this facility? The place needs to be fumigated with magic rainbows ASAP.

The quiet horror that comes not from malice but from routine… and that’s pretty much all there is to it. With a promise of more to come. Certainly well put together, though I can’t honestly say I enjoyed it.
#17721 · 3
· on This is the Weather Patrol · >>Hap
This is a very Equestrian story, and I mean that in a very positive sense. Where else could a drill sergeant come down on a recruit like a ton of bricks for botching magical weather control? All told, very cute indeed.
#17720 · 4
· on Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. · >>Bachiavellian
Some great Celestia/Twilight interaction, but it ends up feeling shallow given the intensity of the first few lines. It’s a product of the word limit, yes, but it hurts the story nonetheless. Still, great to see these two interact more casually. I’d love to see this one expanded. Maybe have Luna weigh in. Goodness only knows what drinks she’ll contribute…
#17716 · 1
· on Big Important Wizard
Given all that we know about Sunburst after this moment, Cherry Blossom feels like a loose end. I want to know what happened to her after this, what she did, where she went, if she ever heard about the fifth alicorn’s crystaller. That’s a good sign for how the story engaged me, but not for its self-containment.

Aside from that, others have covered the story’s strengths and weaknesses quite effectively at this point. Though I will say that I love the bitter irony in the title referring to a bit of Sunburst’s own dialogue. In all, a very good starting point for something bigger should you choose to pursue it.
#17714 · 1
· on On the Dangers of Imported Marital Aids
Aw man, now I have to choose between this and “A Little Shortcut.” Exquisite comedic timing and a punchline that I never saw coming. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but I never imagined that.
#17712 · 4
· on Perfect · >>Anon Y Mous
The Rarishy feels crowbarred in just so Fluttershy could have another pony to talk to at 3 in the morning, and the conflict itself feels less than compelling. Animal care is the one area where Fluttershy has always had a degree of confidence. If we’re at a point in the timeline where Rarity is expanding to Manehattan, then by all rights, Fluttershy would’ve more likely calmly, politely torn Humid a new one rather than take stock in his backseat zookeeping.

And yeah, not to hammer it in, but death does happen no matter the quality of the caretaker.

Suffice to say, this one is far from perfect. I can see what you were trying for, but you didn’t quite get there.
#17708 · 4
· on Uncreatable · >>Hap >>BlueChameleonVI
The embarrassing thing was that this had all been done materially. For free.
Really not getting this line. How much is matter supposed to charge for biogenesis?

Sniffling, She wiped her eyes and was astonished to see the Great White Handkerchief.
The Examiner is the Great Green Arkleseizure?

In all, a very fun, Adamsian way to unite all four generations of pony, including G2, which never got an animated series (and now we know why!) Lovely stuff, though a few of the jokes do need work for the sake comprehensibility and/or accessibility.

>>Trick_Question
The fairy cake is, like the Great White Handkerchief, a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Apparently G3 ponies invented the Total Perspective Vortex.
Paging WIP