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Okie dokie, I've submitted some art for this event. That was fun! Can't wait to see what other people have created for the art round. :D
>>Monokeras
Are you having a bad day or something? Your reviews are coming across as too rude and dismissive in places. People put time and effort into these stories, remember, and to them you look a bit disrespectful.
It's fine to state what you thought didn't work in a fic, but I think the way you've written these is not going to help get your point across to the authors. It'll put them on the defensive and it won't make you look good compared with the other reviewers.
Are you having a bad day or something? Your reviews are coming across as too rude and dismissive in places. People put time and effort into these stories, remember, and to them you look a bit disrespectful.
It's fine to state what you thought didn't work in a fic, but I think the way you've written these is not going to help get your point across to the authors. It'll put them on the defensive and it won't make you look good compared with the other reviewers.
Good Stuff: I like the idea here of an imaginary friend (with a cool design!) wearing out its welcome in a big world, and how the poor thing is just too juvenile to understand adult problems. The resentment between the characters is well-conveyed, and the opening introduced some uncertainty that made the slow reveal of the problems stand out. Well done!
Bad Stuff: A minor annoyance is that this thing has technical writing problems which distracted once too often. There are comma splices, oddly phrased segments, and in one case early on a bit of dialogue buried in a paragraph when it should have had its own. And the imaginary friend being real aspect: I'm not sure if it's clever or if it would have been cleverer to have Sparky be completely imaginary. I also never fully got a sense of what Jordan's problem was. I guess he thinks they're being held back by Sparky, but nothing's explicitly said about why, so it just sort of hangs there without full context.
Verdict: Solid Entry. Tending to Mid Tier for me. In this case not because it has problems, but because I'm still not entirely sure how effective it is as a commentary on growing up, which it seems to me to be, and even then that feels like a bland and vague guess. I do like those parts I did understand, though, and with some more spit and polish and a little more clarity on what the main issue is, I'd gladly make it an unambiguous Solid Entry.
And there we go! Every fic reviewed by me. Good luck everyone, and I look forward to seeing more comments on what other people think. Toodle-oo!
Bad Stuff: A minor annoyance is that this thing has technical writing problems which distracted once too often. There are comma splices, oddly phrased segments, and in one case early on a bit of dialogue buried in a paragraph when it should have had its own. And the imaginary friend being real aspect: I'm not sure if it's clever or if it would have been cleverer to have Sparky be completely imaginary. I also never fully got a sense of what Jordan's problem was. I guess he thinks they're being held back by Sparky, but nothing's explicitly said about why, so it just sort of hangs there without full context.
Verdict: Solid Entry. Tending to Mid Tier for me. In this case not because it has problems, but because I'm still not entirely sure how effective it is as a commentary on growing up, which it seems to me to be, and even then that feels like a bland and vague guess. I do like those parts I did understand, though, and with some more spit and polish and a little more clarity on what the main issue is, I'd gladly make it an unambiguous Solid Entry.
And there we go! Every fic reviewed by me. Good luck everyone, and I look forward to seeing more comments on what other people think. Toodle-oo!
Good Stuff: The misdirection in the opening was a good surprise, the creepiness of the character came out at a good pace to give me the chills, and similar to Song of Rain and Thunder, this explored a dark POV in a good "That's so wrong" kind of way. There's also the interesting talk on how easy it is to stalk, and I liked the speculation about psychopaths operating in society right under people's noses, including each other's. This is very subtle horror, competently executed.
Bad Stuff: The characterization feels incomplete. You convey very well that he's a psychopath, but I otherwise can't get much of a read on him, which makes this seem very by-the-numbers in some respects. I guess it would have risen higher in my estimation if it had given him some quirks that made him stand out. It's good for what it is. It's just not knock-it-out-of-the-park good, if you see what I'm trying to say. Also, some of the phrasing, like >>Baal Bunny points out, are awkward.
Verdict: Solid Entry. This one is also tending to Mid Tier for me, but it's mostly because, insights and competence aside, it also felt needlessly bland and unremarkable, like I've come across this idea before and there's little to shake things up this time. Still, well done for doing such a good job!
Bad Stuff: The characterization feels incomplete. You convey very well that he's a psychopath, but I otherwise can't get much of a read on him, which makes this seem very by-the-numbers in some respects. I guess it would have risen higher in my estimation if it had given him some quirks that made him stand out. It's good for what it is. It's just not knock-it-out-of-the-park good, if you see what I'm trying to say. Also, some of the phrasing, like >>Baal Bunny points out, are awkward.
Verdict: Solid Entry. This one is also tending to Mid Tier for me, but it's mostly because, insights and competence aside, it also felt needlessly bland and unremarkable, like I've come across this idea before and there's little to shake things up this time. Still, well done for doing such a good job!
Okay, here's the last collection of reviews. I hope they're constructive feedback; I was trying to write these with a mind for points for improvement.
Good Stuff: The opening line set me up for good comedy, and for the most part this doesn't disappoint, right up to the amusing punchline. What I liked most was how often it seemed to twist and turn. I was genuinely unsure for a good chunk o it how evil the alien was, so to see it perform this noble deed was strangely touching but also really funny. Minor as it was, the little character notes for Quad and Dai were amusing, and I thought it cruelly funny how the alien was a better boyfriend than the real boyfriend.
Bad Stuff: The middle seems to have too many contrivances. How did the alien nab the real Quinn without anyone noticing? The story skips over how the alien acclimatized to the world of the humans - a couple of sentences would have done, at least, so I'm not left wondering if I missed something - and the way the creature was discovered felt unnecessarily odd. It's funny, in a way, but why were they doing it in a lab and how on earth did no one notice him change? I can imagine answers, but the fic doesn't provide them, which leaves me unsure.
Verdict: Top Contender, though again not as strong as some of the other Top Contenders I've ranked and I could easily call it a Solid Entry instead. It's a good and surprisingly sweet joke well-executed, with some twists and turns to keep it interesting. It's a little too twisty in the middle, bordering on contrived, but the alien's antics and the general fun make it relatively easy to forgive.
Good Stuff: The opening line set me up for good comedy, and for the most part this doesn't disappoint, right up to the amusing punchline. What I liked most was how often it seemed to twist and turn. I was genuinely unsure for a good chunk o it how evil the alien was, so to see it perform this noble deed was strangely touching but also really funny. Minor as it was, the little character notes for Quad and Dai were amusing, and I thought it cruelly funny how the alien was a better boyfriend than the real boyfriend.
Bad Stuff: The middle seems to have too many contrivances. How did the alien nab the real Quinn without anyone noticing? The story skips over how the alien acclimatized to the world of the humans - a couple of sentences would have done, at least, so I'm not left wondering if I missed something - and the way the creature was discovered felt unnecessarily odd. It's funny, in a way, but why were they doing it in a lab and how on earth did no one notice him change? I can imagine answers, but the fic doesn't provide them, which leaves me unsure.
Verdict: Top Contender, though again not as strong as some of the other Top Contenders I've ranked and I could easily call it a Solid Entry instead. It's a good and surprisingly sweet joke well-executed, with some twists and turns to keep it interesting. It's a little too twisty in the middle, bordering on contrived, but the alien's antics and the general fun make it relatively easy to forgive.
Good Stuff: Absurd humor is what I love, and this has it. Hundreds of clones of a moe schoolgirl acting as a full society? A tough-as-nails army guy ending up like a principal? And that last bit with all the clones cheerfully waving diplomatic papers like homework left me ROTFL. I love this sort of Douglas-Adams humor (the clones bit reminded me of the radio series, which is IMO the best). It's even kind of clever how the clones' origin story is explained and makes a kind of bizarre sense, and of course Kimura is just toooooo cute! I don't know if I can be objective on this one...
Bad Stuff: In hindsight, I kind of agree with >>Baal Bunny, but I think his suggestions are stuff that would take a good story and make it great. It didn't really bother me in the moment. That said, Zero could have been funnier. He's too much of a straight man, but you're trying to make him crazy too and he needed more stuff like that "leg stump" bit to make it work. I also think the names for the non-clones could have been more creative, and the bit about the two Kimuras hiding among the clones could have been more developed as a sort of Star Trek thought experiment kind of narrative. This is sci-fi. Go nuts!
Verdict: Top Contender. It's not a strong top contender like Ode or Werewolf, and my ranking is mostly because I thought it was hilarious. But I do see Baal Bunny's point that this could have been greater than it was. Don't be discouraged, though. I think this is a solid effort as it is that just needs a little more work to make it funnier, and the absurdist comedy means I push it higher than a "Solid Entry" tier because of personal taste.
Bad Stuff: In hindsight, I kind of agree with >>Baal Bunny, but I think his suggestions are stuff that would take a good story and make it great. It didn't really bother me in the moment. That said, Zero could have been funnier. He's too much of a straight man, but you're trying to make him crazy too and he needed more stuff like that "leg stump" bit to make it work. I also think the names for the non-clones could have been more creative, and the bit about the two Kimuras hiding among the clones could have been more developed as a sort of Star Trek thought experiment kind of narrative. This is sci-fi. Go nuts!
Verdict: Top Contender. It's not a strong top contender like Ode or Werewolf, and my ranking is mostly because I thought it was hilarious. But I do see Baal Bunny's point that this could have been greater than it was. Don't be discouraged, though. I think this is a solid effort as it is that just needs a little more work to make it funnier, and the absurdist comedy means I push it higher than a "Solid Entry" tier because of personal taste.
Good Stuff: This has a Pratchett-like feel to it, and that's a good thing! The polite dialogue between Hercule and Death was the highlight, and I was charmed by Hercule's characterization very quickly. Who can resist a gentleman thief who's also an actor? The absurdity is delightful, and there's also some cool worldbuilding notes too, like Daphne being a real nymph and Death describing what drinking in the afterlife is like. The writing is good. The pacing seems right up until the end. The tone is just a lot of fun, and I respect that.
Bad Stuff: The ending is where it fumbles for me. The way it's written, I was confused at first; was Hercule really dead, or had he always been dead? I figure the former, but the dialogue briefly makes it sound like something else. Also, Hercule's reaction to being dead is underwhelming. He needs to be a little more shocked at least, because if it's not at least believable, then there's no grounding for a punchline either, and I think you were trying to be funny there. The last line is a bit of a damp squib too. There's more to him than that, isn't there? You could have thought more about what we'd seen of his character up to that point and how he did it for Daphne or for the art or something.
Verdict: Solid Entry. Disappointing and confusing as the ending is, the rest of it is so strong and fun and charmingly off-kilter than I came away thinking more about its strengths than about its weaknesses. Just tidy up the ending and you'd have a top contender here, I think.
Bad Stuff: The ending is where it fumbles for me. The way it's written, I was confused at first; was Hercule really dead, or had he always been dead? I figure the former, but the dialogue briefly makes it sound like something else. Also, Hercule's reaction to being dead is underwhelming. He needs to be a little more shocked at least, because if it's not at least believable, then there's no grounding for a punchline either, and I think you were trying to be funny there. The last line is a bit of a damp squib too. There's more to him than that, isn't there? You could have thought more about what we'd seen of his character up to that point and how he did it for Daphne or for the art or something.
Verdict: Solid Entry. Disappointing and confusing as the ending is, the rest of it is so strong and fun and charmingly off-kilter than I came away thinking more about its strengths than about its weaknesses. Just tidy up the ending and you'd have a top contender here, I think.
Good Stuff: The prose and the voicing in this are both excellent. I liked the arguments between the two Dahlias, and the subtle way the trauma takes it toll on the "good" one (s that a reference to suicide at the end!? Whoa!). You have an amazing opening line. What I liked best was the little twist that these aren't really two different personalities, which would have been the obvious choice, but that Dahlia recognizes they're both the same person. That's a cool subversion. Finally, there are bits of detail here I like, such as Ronnie's being cheap with the oven and Washington being his school friend, that make it seem more convincing.
Bad Stuff: Like >>Anon Y Mous, I've read "Lamb to the Slaughter" by Roald Dahl, and this felt uncomfortably too close to it. You got the same leg of lamb idea, the same characters, and except for the ending, the same plot points, and it feels too derivative. You at least changed things around by making it more psychological horror than dark comedy, and the ending goes a different direction. But you don't do it enough, and it gets really distracting and uncomfortable really quickly. I won't say you're plagiarizing because it is at least clearly trying to be different, maybe as a reimagining, but I wouldn't blame someone for accusing you of laziness.
Verdict: Mid Tier. I really want to like this one more than I do, but the obvious source material - you even play around with the names to make it more obvious - subtracts more than it adds. If you'd changed things around more or concentrated on developing the characters more, I might feel better about it. It's still a well-written piece you've put some effort into, and I don't think you'd have to do much to make it a solid entry. I'd also expand on that last line; it was really exciting, and then the story ends. There's potential there.
Bad Stuff: Like >>Anon Y Mous, I've read "Lamb to the Slaughter" by Roald Dahl, and this felt uncomfortably too close to it. You got the same leg of lamb idea, the same characters, and except for the ending, the same plot points, and it feels too derivative. You at least changed things around by making it more psychological horror than dark comedy, and the ending goes a different direction. But you don't do it enough, and it gets really distracting and uncomfortable really quickly. I won't say you're plagiarizing because it is at least clearly trying to be different, maybe as a reimagining, but I wouldn't blame someone for accusing you of laziness.
Verdict: Mid Tier. I really want to like this one more than I do, but the obvious source material - you even play around with the names to make it more obvious - subtracts more than it adds. If you'd changed things around more or concentrated on developing the characters more, I might feel better about it. It's still a well-written piece you've put some effort into, and I don't think you'd have to do much to make it a solid entry. I'd also expand on that last line; it was really exciting, and then the story ends. There's potential there.
Good Stuff: This starts off establishing its mystery in just the right way, slowly describing the people's reactions and then slowly working towards the statue itself. That's very well done! There's also the seed of a good idea here too. I was reminded of those statues in real life which were said to weep and bleed, and I like it when a story takes mysteries from real life and offers an explanation for them. The prose is very straightforward, if a little too reliant on adjectives sometimes, but gave the matter-of-fact delivery very well.
Bad Stuff: What is going on? After the intrigue early on, I feel like the writing just kept hammering in the same point without really explaining anything. You kept telling us about people's reactions, and then a little later about the statue's appearance, but nowhere in there did I find an actual explanation for why. Readers like mystery up to a point, but when we get to the end, you should ditch that and be as clear and open as possible, otherwise we feel cheated. I also strongly disliked the repetitive huge paragraphs; that kind of formatting seems amateurish, and it's definitely not a welcome sight.
Verdict: Needs Work. Like a lot of entries I've read, this has a good idea in there, but the development of that idea isn't there and the following bits disappoint. As much as it's delightful to have a mystery on our hands, sooner or later you have to give a clear answer, or else it isn't satisfying to invest so much reading time on vagueness. We don't come away with anything, which in some ways is worse than you trying something and me disagreeing with it; at least I'd feel like you had a point to make that way. I'd also chop up those paragraphs as a kindness to your reader; nothing's more discouraging than seeing big blocks of same-looking text.
Bad Stuff: What is going on? After the intrigue early on, I feel like the writing just kept hammering in the same point without really explaining anything. You kept telling us about people's reactions, and then a little later about the statue's appearance, but nowhere in there did I find an actual explanation for why. Readers like mystery up to a point, but when we get to the end, you should ditch that and be as clear and open as possible, otherwise we feel cheated. I also strongly disliked the repetitive huge paragraphs; that kind of formatting seems amateurish, and it's definitely not a welcome sight.
Verdict: Needs Work. Like a lot of entries I've read, this has a good idea in there, but the development of that idea isn't there and the following bits disappoint. As much as it's delightful to have a mystery on our hands, sooner or later you have to give a clear answer, or else it isn't satisfying to invest so much reading time on vagueness. We don't come away with anything, which in some ways is worse than you trying something and me disagreeing with it; at least I'd feel like you had a point to make that way. I'd also chop up those paragraphs as a kindness to your reader; nothing's more discouraging than seeing big blocks of same-looking text.
Good Stuff: The worldbuilding here is very clever, showing how the gnomes work in a road-related setting and going off from their shoe-repairing line of work. I liked that attention to detail a lot, such as them enjoying foul cigs and being invisible to cameras. Pessimistic character voicing was good, and you convey the tone of this bitter reality very well. The description of the elves was funny in itself, and a good early warning that these weren't ordinary beings.
Bad Stuff: I know the point is to keep us guessing until the end, but the fact that I didn't know what Bob and George even were until the end made it hard to appreciate (not follow, but appreciate) except in hindsight. I thought they were just two drunks at first. That strikes me as a big problem when you're trying to visualize the scene at the time, and it kind of felt like you left it to the end because you couldn't think of a stronger twist ending. Some of the bitterness made me feel... ew, unclean after reading this, but that's my personal taste. More objectively, some of the writing is grammatically incorrect ("Ok, but where went it wrong?" and "I had hoped in a bit more peace", for example). One too many comma splices too; stuff like that took me out of the moment.
Verdict: Mid Tier. This is playful with its ideas in a dark kind of way, and I do appreciate it more in hindsight. Unfortunately, delaying the twist makes it harder to understand and appreciate that cleverness the first time around. The technical errors distracted me sometimes. And for all its cleverness, it's also not much fun to actually read unless you like the bitter flavor. I don't know how to fix that, but I definitely recommend tidying up the prose and helping us visualize the scene as early as possible, which I think means rethinking the twist and coming up with something else there.
Bad Stuff: I know the point is to keep us guessing until the end, but the fact that I didn't know what Bob and George even were until the end made it hard to appreciate (not follow, but appreciate) except in hindsight. I thought they were just two drunks at first. That strikes me as a big problem when you're trying to visualize the scene at the time, and it kind of felt like you left it to the end because you couldn't think of a stronger twist ending. Some of the bitterness made me feel... ew, unclean after reading this, but that's my personal taste. More objectively, some of the writing is grammatically incorrect ("Ok, but where went it wrong?" and "I had hoped in a bit more peace", for example). One too many comma splices too; stuff like that took me out of the moment.
Verdict: Mid Tier. This is playful with its ideas in a dark kind of way, and I do appreciate it more in hindsight. Unfortunately, delaying the twist makes it harder to understand and appreciate that cleverness the first time around. The technical errors distracted me sometimes. And for all its cleverness, it's also not much fun to actually read unless you like the bitter flavor. I don't know how to fix that, but I definitely recommend tidying up the prose and helping us visualize the scene as early as possible, which I think means rethinking the twist and coming up with something else there.
Okie dokie, I've come back for more! Let's make a start.
Good Stuff: It at least has a couple of amusing weird bits, such as Bannon hitting the leprechaun and then immediately demanding a wish, and the leprechaun inexplicably using sign language. Structurally, the final punchline works and the prose is okay.
Bad Stuff: Sorry, this just isn't my kind of fic. It's one big joke, so it sacrifices emotion and ambition and engagement and intelligence, and it all depends on the reader's taste for humor. So it's lost a lot when it turns out to be not to my taste. Especially compared with the other entries, this felt too slight. For me, the humor is too obviously vulgar, and the characters too thin, for this to leave any good or lasting impressions.
Verdict: Possible Abstain/Needs Work. I can't honestly recommend any technical or helpful changes that don't boil down to "I don't like this kind of humor", but I can say this felt lacking as an entry. My best recommendation is that you try something more ambitious from the ground up. Sorry if this isn't as helpful as you'd like, and hopefully someone else can give you more specific advice in other comments.
Good Stuff: It at least has a couple of amusing weird bits, such as Bannon hitting the leprechaun and then immediately demanding a wish, and the leprechaun inexplicably using sign language. Structurally, the final punchline works and the prose is okay.
Bad Stuff: Sorry, this just isn't my kind of fic. It's one big joke, so it sacrifices emotion and ambition and engagement and intelligence, and it all depends on the reader's taste for humor. So it's lost a lot when it turns out to be not to my taste. Especially compared with the other entries, this felt too slight. For me, the humor is too obviously vulgar, and the characters too thin, for this to leave any good or lasting impressions.
Verdict: Possible Abstain/Needs Work. I can't honestly recommend any technical or helpful changes that don't boil down to "I don't like this kind of humor", but I can say this felt lacking as an entry. My best recommendation is that you try something more ambitious from the ground up. Sorry if this isn't as helpful as you'd like, and hopefully someone else can give you more specific advice in other comments.
Good Stuff: This pushes all my buttons, and I loved it! It's sweet without being disgusting, it's sassy and nasty but in a way that makes the sweet stuff that much sweeter, it's got a nice progression from resentment and impatience to something more humane and inspiring, even if only in little ways. Creative use of the prompt too! The character voicing is unbelievable. I feel like I know Morgan and his ma, and that they're New York toughs but still with humanity inside them that goes above their stereotypes and makes them work. I also like the regular realism, like his initial lie, the way he resents how obvious she is, and how they use The Hobbit as a way to poke at each other. Long story short, I loved this one! It's just... I keep coming back to "humane" and "humanistic" and "humanity". It's wonderful.
Bad Stuff: The phonetic accent felt too exaggerated at times, though that might just be me. The last few words of the piece don't strike the right note for me; this is at heart about the fact of humanity even in a nasty place like New York, so ending on gruff swearing felt like it suddenly veered too far away from sweetness and too far into just plain rude. It's anticlimactic to me. Maybe if it had blended it more with that sweetness, like a final summary of what the whole fic was about, it would have been stronger. But I'm really nitpicking here.
Verdict: Top Contender. It has its faults and off-notes, but the melody and the themes of the story and the surprisingly balanced tone between saccharine and bitter just does it for me. Even if it doesn't win, I feel like it deserves to get a medal and a round of applause. I love it that much!
Right. I will give all these fics reviews, but not right now. I'll come back.
Bad Stuff: The phonetic accent felt too exaggerated at times, though that might just be me. The last few words of the piece don't strike the right note for me; this is at heart about the fact of humanity even in a nasty place like New York, so ending on gruff swearing felt like it suddenly veered too far away from sweetness and too far into just plain rude. It's anticlimactic to me. Maybe if it had blended it more with that sweetness, like a final summary of what the whole fic was about, it would have been stronger. But I'm really nitpicking here.
Verdict: Top Contender. It has its faults and off-notes, but the melody and the themes of the story and the surprisingly balanced tone between saccharine and bitter just does it for me. Even if it doesn't win, I feel like it deserves to get a medal and a round of applause. I love it that much!
Right. I will give all these fics reviews, but not right now. I'll come back.
Good Stuff: What it's doing, it's doing well. You really get to understand the mindset of the narrator as he's misanthropic and protective of "value", and has a strange, warped view of it that's kind of fascinating in a "that's so wrong" kind of way. The writing is solid, and the depiction of humanity as kind of mindless colonizers, while nothing new, tied together the themes and thoughts of the narrator really well. Chilling in a good way.
Bad Stuff: It's good at what it does, but I have to say it's not to my taste really. The warped, anti-human, callous mindset of adding value by making humans rarer is best watched at a distance; otherwise I can't sympathize with the narrator and tried to distance myself from him because it was distasteful, which hindered my enjoyment. More helpfully for you, I will say the beginning was too choppy. I couldn't tell in the first scene if they were in a ship or in the forest, and when they were in a cabin it threw me for a loop. Next, are these people really not noticing the thunder and sudden loss of connection with individuals? I'd figure someone would notice the coincidence soon enough. And I could be trying too hard, but I couldn't tell if the narrator was a very warped human or an alien with, well an alien perspective. Some physical clues might have helped.
Verdict: Mid Tier. I appreciate the craftsmanship and thought on display, and it does work well at what it does. But I personally don't like the flavor enough to want to see it from that perspective, and more relevantly, there are some oddities that bothered me with the events being depicted. A good try, and to be fair I admit a lot of this is just my subjective opinion!
Bad Stuff: It's good at what it does, but I have to say it's not to my taste really. The warped, anti-human, callous mindset of adding value by making humans rarer is best watched at a distance; otherwise I can't sympathize with the narrator and tried to distance myself from him because it was distasteful, which hindered my enjoyment. More helpfully for you, I will say the beginning was too choppy. I couldn't tell in the first scene if they were in a ship or in the forest, and when they were in a cabin it threw me for a loop. Next, are these people really not noticing the thunder and sudden loss of connection with individuals? I'd figure someone would notice the coincidence soon enough. And I could be trying too hard, but I couldn't tell if the narrator was a very warped human or an alien with, well an alien perspective. Some physical clues might have helped.
Verdict: Mid Tier. I appreciate the craftsmanship and thought on display, and it does work well at what it does. But I personally don't like the flavor enough to want to see it from that perspective, and more relevantly, there are some oddities that bothered me with the events being depicted. A good try, and to be fair I admit a lot of this is just my subjective opinion!
Before I go, I'll give these three stories a review because it makes me sad they're being left out. So here you go!
Good Stuff: Apart from one or two technical problems (like "Gianfranco nodded for all answer"; I think you meant "for an answer") the prose is pleasant and flowing, and largely easy to follow. The scene-setting and character notes were well-conveyed, and it was at least interesting to wait and see what would happen. The little notes of mystery in the first half, and the grim matter-of-factness in the second half, work very well. The second half in particular I thought had the stronger material, simply because of the defeat in Gianfranco's worldview when faced with the reality of his job.
Bad Stuff: "Dead child" is an easy ploy for a tragic story, but without a larger message or a clear one (there's talk about desperate migrants in the second half, but the first half implies they're already there!?) it's just shock for shock's sake. Despite the connection of the child's fate, the two halves feel so different they almost took me out when the scene change happened. And what did happen? As far as I can tell, a child died because of rough waves, strange stuff happened like his parents just vanished, and these poor people had to retrieve the bodies of migrants, but the kid is there too? I'm sorry, it's too confusing for me. I never got a sense of what this was all about beyond the obvious "and then this happened" stuff.
Verdict: Needs Work. While it is mostly well-written and has some ideas, at the moment I think it needs to be tidied up so that it's more than just two scenes about a child drowning. I think if you write something like this again, you need to put more thought towards the reader's questions of why this is happening and what it means or is trying to tell us. Just killing a child and throwing some possible hints feels to me far too empty a reading experience for me to rank it highly.
Good Stuff: Apart from one or two technical problems (like "Gianfranco nodded for all answer"; I think you meant "for an answer") the prose is pleasant and flowing, and largely easy to follow. The scene-setting and character notes were well-conveyed, and it was at least interesting to wait and see what would happen. The little notes of mystery in the first half, and the grim matter-of-factness in the second half, work very well. The second half in particular I thought had the stronger material, simply because of the defeat in Gianfranco's worldview when faced with the reality of his job.
Bad Stuff: "Dead child" is an easy ploy for a tragic story, but without a larger message or a clear one (there's talk about desperate migrants in the second half, but the first half implies they're already there!?) it's just shock for shock's sake. Despite the connection of the child's fate, the two halves feel so different they almost took me out when the scene change happened. And what did happen? As far as I can tell, a child died because of rough waves, strange stuff happened like his parents just vanished, and these poor people had to retrieve the bodies of migrants, but the kid is there too? I'm sorry, it's too confusing for me. I never got a sense of what this was all about beyond the obvious "and then this happened" stuff.
Verdict: Needs Work. While it is mostly well-written and has some ideas, at the moment I think it needs to be tidied up so that it's more than just two scenes about a child drowning. I think if you write something like this again, you need to put more thought towards the reader's questions of why this is happening and what it means or is trying to tell us. Just killing a child and throwing some possible hints feels to me far too empty a reading experience for me to rank it highly.
To you too I'm sorry. I wrote a review earlier, but it got lost for some reason. I may cut corners here, but I'll try my best.
Good Stuff: This had an interesting kind of suspense, where nothing much is happening but you get the sense all the same that it's building up to something. The two apathetic characters Tim and Becca going through a list of restaurants was like a timer, and I liked how Drea went around trying to do stuff in the meantime like hunting for food. This convinced me it was building up to something big, so well done for good style.
Bad Stuff: Either I don't get the payoff, or there wasn't one. I thought all the talk about food and starving to death was a cover for something else, and the temperature being insufferable too. Maybe I missed something, but I never saw anything beyond that really, so I was disappointed. If there was some bigger thing I was missing, I think that's a sign you could make it clearer by saying it straight-out at the end instead of being coy with it. Also, the characters never felt particularly deep. Maybe show different sides of them, like affectionate or small noble things; at the moment, they come across as just annoying, and that's not fun to read after a while.
Verdict: Needs Work. Fair enough, I might be missing something big, but after the build-up, I just don't see it. And that makes it hard for me to engage with this fic much when I couldn't say what it was all about. Also, the characterization limited my enjoyment and needed something to give it some flavor or complexity. As it is, I can't get into it.
Good Stuff: This had an interesting kind of suspense, where nothing much is happening but you get the sense all the same that it's building up to something. The two apathetic characters Tim and Becca going through a list of restaurants was like a timer, and I liked how Drea went around trying to do stuff in the meantime like hunting for food. This convinced me it was building up to something big, so well done for good style.
Bad Stuff: Either I don't get the payoff, or there wasn't one. I thought all the talk about food and starving to death was a cover for something else, and the temperature being insufferable too. Maybe I missed something, but I never saw anything beyond that really, so I was disappointed. If there was some bigger thing I was missing, I think that's a sign you could make it clearer by saying it straight-out at the end instead of being coy with it. Also, the characters never felt particularly deep. Maybe show different sides of them, like affectionate or small noble things; at the moment, they come across as just annoying, and that's not fun to read after a while.
Verdict: Needs Work. Fair enough, I might be missing something big, but after the build-up, I just don't see it. And that makes it hard for me to engage with this fic much when I couldn't say what it was all about. Also, the characterization limited my enjoyment and needed something to give it some flavor or complexity. As it is, I can't get into it.
Firstly, sorry about this. I did write a review earlier, but the comment disappeared for some reason. I'll try again, but sorry if I seem to be cutting to the chase more than I should. Losing a good comment is discouraging!
Also, I haven't read The Thing on the Doorstep like >>Hap, so I'm going by this as a standalone fic.
Good Stuff: I liked how this started. Horror's not my cup of tea normally, but this had a splendid hook. I was excited and wondering how the poor girl was going to escape or deal with her capture now her Dad had stolen her body. This could have been a really great drama with a lot of angles and ways to explore what happens next and how she overcomes her predicament, or a story about why the Dad did this and what his motives and beliefs were that drove him to act this way. The possibilities are endless!
Bad Stuff: I'm not a fan of gore, and that first scene with her putting her hand through the stomach was where the fic went downhill for me. Then there was no real story: it was just a series of meaningless events one after the other that were grim and bleak, and that's not fun to read without something meaningful to tie it together, like a tragic narrative arc or something structured. But it's just death and death and then this speculative bit with necrophilia. I can't get behind that, I'm afraid.
Verdict: Needs Work. This might just be because it's not my cup of tea, but I'd rewrite everything after the hook so it's what I would call a story, answering the questions it sets up at the start (like how she'll cope or get out of this, or what the Dad's plans are in the long run). As it is, this feels structureless, so the gory and bleak content is just there, and I want justification for that so that it doesn't feel like pure sensationalism.
EDIT: I had a talk with Cassius on the Discord about this. Okay, so maybe it's got more of a message than I gave it credit for, so I'll acknowledge that. But I will say that, due to personal taste and my own impressions, I still have to stand by the rest of what I say here. I guess it comes down to how much I enjoyed reading it, and I honestly didn't enjoy it. Please consider this as a different perspective. I don't know how helpful it is to you as a writer, but I hope it's at least something you could consider informative?
EDIT 2: Changing my ranking to Possible Abstain.
Also, I haven't read The Thing on the Doorstep like >>Hap, so I'm going by this as a standalone fic.
Good Stuff: I liked how this started. Horror's not my cup of tea normally, but this had a splendid hook. I was excited and wondering how the poor girl was going to escape or deal with her capture now her Dad had stolen her body. This could have been a really great drama with a lot of angles and ways to explore what happens next and how she overcomes her predicament, or a story about why the Dad did this and what his motives and beliefs were that drove him to act this way. The possibilities are endless!
Bad Stuff: I'm not a fan of gore, and that first scene with her putting her hand through the stomach was where the fic went downhill for me. Then there was no real story: it was just a series of meaningless events one after the other that were grim and bleak, and that's not fun to read without something meaningful to tie it together, like a tragic narrative arc or something structured. But it's just death and death and then this speculative bit with necrophilia. I can't get behind that, I'm afraid.
Verdict: Needs Work. This might just be because it's not my cup of tea, but I'd rewrite everything after the hook so it's what I would call a story, answering the questions it sets up at the start (like how she'll cope or get out of this, or what the Dad's plans are in the long run). As it is, this feels structureless, so the gory and bleak content is just there, and I want justification for that so that it doesn't feel like pure sensationalism.
EDIT: I had a talk with Cassius on the Discord about this. Okay, so maybe it's got more of a message than I gave it credit for, so I'll acknowledge that. But I will say that, due to personal taste and my own impressions, I still have to stand by the rest of what I say here. I guess it comes down to how much I enjoyed reading it, and I honestly didn't enjoy it. Please consider this as a different perspective. I don't know how helpful it is to you as a writer, but I hope it's at least something you could consider informative?
EDIT 2: Changing my ranking to Possible Abstain.
Good Stuff: Lucifer as a tragic figure is rarer than it should be, so it was reassuring to see you take the idea and make good on it. The emotion felt legit, with his mourning for the loss, and I like the twist that banished Lucifer lost contact not because of God but because of holier-than-thou types discouraging their relationship. The imagery of the demon watching the procession (morning prayers or something?) on a cold morning is haunting and beautiful. It's short and sweet and unlike some entries it doesn't wear out its welcome. The language and voicing were engaging throughout, which is what you want when you're making us feel sorry for the Devil.
Bad Stuff: Who's "they"? Priests? Angels? I could never tell, which robs this of some of its emotional strength. Also, this does have some clever twists, but for the most part it's just Lucifer pining. I got the emotion, but I think I'd need examples of why he loves God so much to really sell it. Religious context or not, this is a story, and I think it needs to be able to stand strongly on its own to get the full impact.
Verdict: Solid Entry. It doesn't go as far as I think it should, weakening the emotion a bit. But what's there is really, really good and this has clearly had some thought put into it. You also need to clarify who "they" are, or else we get that nagging feeling that something important is missing, and that can only weaken the impact further.
OK, I'll come back to do the rest later.
Bad Stuff: Who's "they"? Priests? Angels? I could never tell, which robs this of some of its emotional strength. Also, this does have some clever twists, but for the most part it's just Lucifer pining. I got the emotion, but I think I'd need examples of why he loves God so much to really sell it. Religious context or not, this is a story, and I think it needs to be able to stand strongly on its own to get the full impact.
Verdict: Solid Entry. It doesn't go as far as I think it should, weakening the emotion a bit. But what's there is really, really good and this has clearly had some thought put into it. You also need to clarify who "they" are, or else we get that nagging feeling that something important is missing, and that can only weaken the impact further.
OK, I'll come back to do the rest later.
Good Stuff: You're trying to be clever here and there, and it works! The Shakespeare connection and particularly the Cottingley stuff is very interesting when you know the real-life context. You even got the girls' names and the Arthur Conan Doyle connection right. Kudos for that! I also like the colorful personality of "Peasblossom" and how it contrasts with the scholarly tone of the report, and the fairy lore in a psychiatric setting was cool. You get credit for the idea, especially how it's left ambiguous even to the narrator whether she really is a fairy or not.
Bad Stuff: You're trying to be clever here and there, but you should focus more on other stuff too. There's no real character arc, and the narrator isn't really there until the last paragraph, so it feels too impersonal despite the message at the end trying to imply something about his attitude. I also wonder if a village would really have two hospitals. Maybe they should've been in a nearby city instead, like Bradford or Leeds.
Verdict: Solid Entry. The dryness works against it, and it's more a clever sci-fi fantasy idea developed as a report than an actual engaging story. But within that cleverness, it works so well that I can forgive it. You've at least put some thought into an emotional aspect, even if it's weaker than the (admittedly cool) ideas.
Bad Stuff: You're trying to be clever here and there, but you should focus more on other stuff too. There's no real character arc, and the narrator isn't really there until the last paragraph, so it feels too impersonal despite the message at the end trying to imply something about his attitude. I also wonder if a village would really have two hospitals. Maybe they should've been in a nearby city instead, like Bradford or Leeds.
Verdict: Solid Entry. The dryness works against it, and it's more a clever sci-fi fantasy idea developed as a report than an actual engaging story. But within that cleverness, it works so well that I can forgive it. You've at least put some thought into an emotional aspect, even if it's weaker than the (admittedly cool) ideas.
Good Stuff: This one is very similar to It's Always the Mirrors for me, so a lot of my critique is the same: there's mystery, there's good character interplay, there's this sense of a bigger world and interesting stuff going on elsewhere. For some reason, I like Carl's interjections, such as his waiting for the confrontation in the first scene to finish before shouting. Made them feel like real people with real histories together. I also loved the sensationalist opening and the threat throughout.
Bad Stuff: Unfortunately, the problems are the same too: I never got a full appreciation of what was going on, other than the guard wanted his bow fixed. Why was there a ring in it? Why can't we see this major delegation ourselves? Apart from the crossbow aiming at his face, nothing else exciting happens, which was disappointing. I guess I missed one or two details, but it didn't stick the landing for me.
Verdict: Needs Work. The character interaction and worldbuilding show promise, but ultimately I just want to know what's going on, and I kind of want to see the exciting stuff that's implied rather than hear about it second-hand. I think there needs to be some more development in the actual narrative structure to make this work, otherwise it's interesting scenes left in a vacuum.
Bad Stuff: Unfortunately, the problems are the same too: I never got a full appreciation of what was going on, other than the guard wanted his bow fixed. Why was there a ring in it? Why can't we see this major delegation ourselves? Apart from the crossbow aiming at his face, nothing else exciting happens, which was disappointing. I guess I missed one or two details, but it didn't stick the landing for me.
Verdict: Needs Work. The character interaction and worldbuilding show promise, but ultimately I just want to know what's going on, and I kind of want to see the exciting stuff that's implied rather than hear about it second-hand. I think there needs to be some more development in the actual narrative structure to make this work, otherwise it's interesting scenes left in a vacuum.
Good Stuff: It's amazing what you managed to do in less than 1,000 words! The snark, the dark comedy, the angry character and the slow reveal were well-paced and had a lot of attitude which made it interesting from start to finish. My favorite bit is the beginning, with the great idea of the werewolf hiding among the costumed people at Halloween, and the way the agent does the same thing in reverse is a really funny bit. What I also liked was the hint of drama creeping in near the end too, such as the counseling for the werewolf and the agent getting one over Garou.
Bad Stuff: Too much swearing, yeah yeah, you know by now. Also, I think I understood what happened (the werewolf and Lucy went meatie for twenty years, Garou shot Lucy, the werewolf tried to get revenge), but it's really weak and kind of needs to be stated at the end clearly, because I had to check to make sure. And why did he give the reporter advice not to run her mouth off? She didn't do anything specific to make him say that, so I have to ask.
Verdict: Top Contender. The ending needs work and you seriously need soap in your mouth, but otherwise I had a blast reading this one and came away wanting more, which is a major plus in my book!
Bad Stuff: Too much swearing, yeah yeah, you know by now. Also, I think I understood what happened (the werewolf and Lucy went meatie for twenty years, Garou shot Lucy, the werewolf tried to get revenge), but it's really weak and kind of needs to be stated at the end clearly, because I had to check to make sure. And why did he give the reporter advice not to run her mouth off? She didn't do anything specific to make him say that, so I have to ask.
Verdict: Top Contender. The ending needs work and you seriously need soap in your mouth, but otherwise I had a blast reading this one and came away wanting more, which is a major plus in my book!
Good Stuff: Willowby becoming a thief to hide his "inner emptiness" is a neat spin on the "invisible person" idea, and I liked the snobby smugness he shows towards Rufus. It's actually interesting to see how his life played out and how he turned to crime when it got worse. It adds an emotional element I wasn't expecting, when he's just resigned to it. The language flowed naturally, and I liked the little touches like his reminding the waiters he's still at his table, and Rufus using memory aides.
Bad Stuff: The power seems inconsistent at times. Sometimes, he seems to control it enough to get noticed briefly, sometimes he can't. Would Rufus really bring case files with him to talk to a possible criminal? And I won't go as far as >>Monokeras, though I like the bio format, but it does feel like it could go further than it does. The first half drags a bit too.
Verdict: Solid Entry. It doesn't do as much with its idea as it should, and you drop the ball here and there. But overall, I liked the characterization and the background given, and I think it achieves what it wants to. All while making itself mostly fun to read. That's a good sign!
Bad Stuff: The power seems inconsistent at times. Sometimes, he seems to control it enough to get noticed briefly, sometimes he can't. Would Rufus really bring case files with him to talk to a possible criminal? And I won't go as far as >>Monokeras, though I like the bio format, but it does feel like it could go further than it does. The first half drags a bit too.
Verdict: Solid Entry. It doesn't do as much with its idea as it should, and you drop the ball here and there. But overall, I liked the characterization and the background given, and I think it achieves what it wants to. All while making itself mostly fun to read. That's a good sign!
Good Stuff: I loved this one! The idea: fantastic. The poetry: a breath of fresh air. The execution: elegantly done. The twist of Medusa making sculpures and giving up her evil ways was very clever, and I liked how her development was traced over time compared with her two vengeful sisters. She goes from realism over her chances against humanity, to pragmatism, to genuine investment in the craft she takes up and it's "honesty", and it seemed surprising and delightful to me. I especially liked how she met other artists in the cafe and seems so human herself now, but still has to take precautions like feeding her hair and disguising herself. It's the attention to details like that makes this so real and vivid. The rhyming is excellent, and you have a great turn of phrase, classical in a modern setting..
Bad Stuff: Really nitpicking here, but I thought some of the word choices, like "kvetch" and "lewd", seemed out-of-place. (I really don't get the "lewd" one in context; it seems to imply a sexual element that's not there in context). I also wonder if the last verse could contain one more mention of the two sisters to make it complete; they just disappear after a while. Lastly, the spaces every three lines felt like they should be closed, particularly when there's run-on lines from one to another.
Verdict: Top Contender. I mean top contender. I love the lateral thinking, the clever play with the gorgon myth, and also the way it's developed naturally in the story to genuine appreciation of art and humanity. The pleasing language with modern and classical bits in it is mixed together cleverly.
Bad Stuff: Really nitpicking here, but I thought some of the word choices, like "kvetch" and "lewd", seemed out-of-place. (I really don't get the "lewd" one in context; it seems to imply a sexual element that's not there in context). I also wonder if the last verse could contain one more mention of the two sisters to make it complete; they just disappear after a while. Lastly, the spaces every three lines felt like they should be closed, particularly when there's run-on lines from one to another.
Verdict: Top Contender. I mean top contender. I love the lateral thinking, the clever play with the gorgon myth, and also the way it's developed naturally in the story to genuine appreciation of art and humanity. The pleasing language with modern and classical bits in it is mixed together cleverly.
Good Stuff: At times, this reminded me of Nausicaa (a Studio Ghibli film set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland) and that's a good tone to go for. The mystery, the artifact-hunting, this sense that characters don't fully trust each other and that there's more going on than meets the eye. For some reason, I like the name of the disease savior - the Lyramire - and how the scroll is implied to be something eldritch and otherworldly.
Bad Stuff: The mystery is too cryptic for me to fully enjoy that aspect. I felt lost at sea half the time, and after the fact, I still have no idea what's really going on. What we see is two people who know each other having a cryptic conversation about cool stuff that we the reader never actually see. I want to see the disease in action, I want to feel the urgency olf the hunt for the Lyramire (also how is the Lyramire supposed to cure them?), and I want to know what these terms mean that they're talking about, but it never really comes together and I finish feeling dissatisfied. Its like eavesdropping on two people who know what they're talking about but you don't. I can't connect to that.
Verdict: Needs Work. There's some fantastic ideas here and a sense of mystery and distrust. The problem is that this is all we get. We get no resolution to the mysteries, and the dialogue is hard to follow at times so comes across as a bit flat. Maybe if we'd seen the urgency of the situation or at least had some explanations for what's going on in full, I'd bump it up a higher tier, but as it is, I feel that this one needs fleshing out too.
Bad Stuff: The mystery is too cryptic for me to fully enjoy that aspect. I felt lost at sea half the time, and after the fact, I still have no idea what's really going on. What we see is two people who know each other having a cryptic conversation about cool stuff that we the reader never actually see. I want to see the disease in action, I want to feel the urgency olf the hunt for the Lyramire (also how is the Lyramire supposed to cure them?), and I want to know what these terms mean that they're talking about, but it never really comes together and I finish feeling dissatisfied. Its like eavesdropping on two people who know what they're talking about but you don't. I can't connect to that.
Verdict: Needs Work. There's some fantastic ideas here and a sense of mystery and distrust. The problem is that this is all we get. We get no resolution to the mysteries, and the dialogue is hard to follow at times so comes across as a bit flat. Maybe if we'd seen the urgency of the situation or at least had some explanations for what's going on in full, I'd bump it up a higher tier, but as it is, I feel that this one needs fleshing out too.
Good Stuff: I do like the premise here of a girl turned into an invisible person and forgotten about, and you've clearly got a strong idea of what you want to convey. I'd love to read about how Bree deals with her predicament and discovers the rules for what she can and can't do with the world around her. This last message idea is a great means for exploring that, similar to an epistolary novel full of letters and documents.
Bad Stuff: I got that idea because it told me up front. It's a story that demands emotion, though, so you need to use the language like a teenage girl would, and not like someone writing details for a plot summary. Also, considering how scary the premise should be for her, the writing sometimes seems way too calm and matter-of-fact when moments before it was starting to sound panicky. I agree with >>Rocket Lawn Chair's suggestion of pumping up her anxiety more to get the emotion strong. A lot of technical writing issues need to be checked, too, like run-on sentences and spelling, because they took me out of the moment at times.
Verdict: Needs Work. It's a solid idea and I applaud what you're going for, but the actual writing doesn't hit that target. It needs to be given more thought and care as to how Bree would feel and so how she would actually write this message. With that emotion and word choice nailed down, you can make the message read more convincingly and engagingly for a reader.
Bad Stuff: I got that idea because it told me up front. It's a story that demands emotion, though, so you need to use the language like a teenage girl would, and not like someone writing details for a plot summary. Also, considering how scary the premise should be for her, the writing sometimes seems way too calm and matter-of-fact when moments before it was starting to sound panicky. I agree with >>Rocket Lawn Chair's suggestion of pumping up her anxiety more to get the emotion strong. A lot of technical writing issues need to be checked, too, like run-on sentences and spelling, because they took me out of the moment at times.
Verdict: Needs Work. It's a solid idea and I applaud what you're going for, but the actual writing doesn't hit that target. It needs to be given more thought and care as to how Bree would feel and so how she would actually write this message. With that emotion and word choice nailed down, you can make the message read more convincingly and engagingly for a reader.
Paging WIP