Firstly, thanks for reading; thanks even more for commenting!

I'm glad you generally seemed to like bits of this, even though different people liked different bits. I think I can explain...

My 'plan' for this basicly runs out just before Luna shows up.

I had just wrenched myself back awake to finish writing with about five hours to go and realised I couldn't fit a proper character driven ending. So I made a joke. I think of this as two stories welded together: I think the seam looks okay but it's not ideal.

I'm going to let it sit for a while longer then I'll take another crack at getting it right.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Basically spot on.

>>horizon
I enjoyed subverting the prompt.

I'm afraid you've partly imagined your favourite bit :( I had no plans for Rarity to swap tickets with anyone. I like to let the reader infer things though so I can't say I'm unhappy.

I also like to skirt the boundary of 'shipping' so I'm not sure if Twi and Rarity are a couple or just good friends here; I like to believe it doesn't matter.

Toffy-swirl is just an aimless British pun. A toff is a member of the upper class, a toffee swirl is a sweet.

Thanks – I hope I can bring this up to where I want it.

>>Baal Bunny
Meringue? ;)

>>Lamplighter
I'm glad the jokes landed well with you.

>>Trick_Question
A fair concern. I'm pretty gender-blind in ponyfic these days, I wasn't really going anywhere specific with the f/f flirting. I need to work a bit harder laying out motivations towards the end.

>>MrNumbers
I don't have a spanner to hand but I'll see what I can do with a keyboard.

I meant for Rarity to start a little unsympathetic and then have Twi reign her in, and I never really got to the second part.

>>WillowWren
Foppish was just an offhand joke. I take the shotgun approach – I pile them in and hope enough of them are on target. I see I'm going to have to find a way to salvage something from Luna, even if I just have to split her off into a separate fic.

>>Rao
My dialogue is a crutch but it's nice to know it's not unappreciated.

>>Xepher
I think I've covered that I hardly knew what to do with the story myself.
Luna Ex Machina is regretably all I had time for.

Rarity is supposed to be intentionally over-selling the 'fame and power' thing a bit, I think I can fix that to be more obvious.



Again, thanks all who read. I look forward to participating in more writeoffs.
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>>Baal Bunny
Purple link: already had my upvote.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Debt repayed in full.

Seriously, I don't even...

More reviewing of things not in the final:

This has its strengths but something stops me liking it as much as I want to.

I enjoy comedy when it comes from simply exaggerating some of a character's traits. But I think the core of them needs to stay believable.

I just don't quite buy Fluttershy here. I realise she's being played for laughs; I'm fine with her asking felids for writing advice. Having secret murder-plans could be fun, because it's so absurd. But much of her dialogue sounds more like Twi to me. She's a bit too sarcastic. A bit too aggressive when she's being passive-aggressive.

Midnight amuses me, just being a bitch out of nowhere. Her timing is great. But I don't see Flutters really putting up with her for no reason. Fluttershy's acceptance of the situation seems rather too quick and neat, I would expect Midnight to have to bribe Flutters into accepting help.

I don't know where you'd go with it, but it would be funny to see more of this Midnight, hopping between the mane 6/7/8 trying to offer advice but also being abusive. I think it would need a bit more setup though.

>>Miller Minus
I'm going through stories I saw praise for that aren't in the final.

I quite like this. It's fairly well polished, it's complete, it's nice prose.

It doesn't bother me that you say very little about the PoV character directly, we know what sort of pony they are from their actions. I'm going to call them Holden and see if you catch the ryeference.

I think the story is half about Fleur anyway, really. Who she was. How she wants to do one last irresponsible thing before becoming an adult. And offer an olive branch to an old friend, even though they probably don't deserve it. The interplay between the two is fun and believable and emphasises the contrast in their lives at the end.

I was tripped slightly because I presumed that Lily was Lily Valley, until she did some magic.

I would have scored this well, if I had been given it.

>>Lamplighter
>>regidar
I'm inclined to agree. I like the setup and concept, the order of scenes, the resolution. It could be such a lovely story; if only it were finished. That's why I was so annoyed.

My drafts are nothing like this; I write perhaps a paragraph of plot, then mostly wing it. There's far more here than that. I can almost see what it wants to be at every turn, and it just isn't there. What this needs is expanding to fill the gaps, along with some proper editing.

I love the irony...

Important lesson here then. It doesn't matter what order you think of things in, we only see them in the order they appear in the writing. You can write a later scene because of an idea you had in an earlier one, but there's nothing stopping you going back and tweaking the earlier scene to fit your new idea a little better. Drop some foreshadowing in. Spin a line of dialogue a little differently.

Twi's kid keeping her grounded in reality really does wonders for this little arc. I'd love to have seen some of the process of Twi:
Deciding to get some
Finding a stallion
Convincing them
Realising she's made a mistake
Separating amicably
Having a foal that she loves, despite the separation

That takes time, of course, and we were limited here. Hell, that on it's own is an entire novella to me. I wonder if you just tried to write far too much plot, given the limits here. Reached too far and spread the writing too thin. That's certainly how it seemed.

I'd like to see this become what it was born to be.

>>Baal Bunny

So again, I'll apologize

I don't think you have anything to apologise for in making an honest attempt. Don't be too harsh on yourself. I bear you no ill will.

I regularly get words like "fun," "cute," "romp," and "meringue" applied to my stuff, and that's the way I like it.

Particularly since this sort of thing is way outside your norm. I don't have the courage to tackle hard subjects at all. Also, "meringue"? I'm intrigued.

You tried something difficult and often the only way to improve is to try hard things. One won't always succeed, but the real value is in making the effort.

And, wow, I've tried for a half-hour forty-five minutes to write something more encouraging that won't come across as condescending or trite, neither of which I mean, and I still can't find the words.

>>Xepher

it doesn't feel rewarding just to be able to match up which is which

That was half the fun of the story, for me. So my point still stands: I liked this fic because it somehow felt like an in-joke between me and the author, rather than on its merits as a story. I expected this to be a slightly divisive work, because humour is subjective. I don't even know if it's supposed to be funny, I just found it so.

pushed a few of my buttons on the author-trying-too-hard-to-be-clever alarm

It certainly did that to me initially, and I was ready to hate on it mid-way through the first paragraph. Then it doubled down on the overblown language. The extra-pointy D20 description made me grin. I swore at the author. It set off my "so bad it's good" glands.

Oh... I really hope this wasn't intended to be serious now. Laughing at something that's not supposed to be funny is a dick move, and I hope I haven't done that by accident. On purpose, for sure, but I try not to outright laugh in people's faces unless they deserve it.

My synopsis:

The Crystal Empire is under the control of a terrible presence, but Compass Call and his companions have a plan to help free it.


Overall thoughts:

Really, outstandingly good. Probably the most-objectively best thing I've read here so far.
A proper original story, with real characters, a kind-of point, and an interesting use of the setting.

++
After a while, I stopped looking for things wrong and just let the story take me.


Rating:

I wish everything I read could be this good.


The goal, as far as I'm concerned, of a story is to entertain me. To do that, you first have to tell it to me. But I don't actually like being tangled in writing. A well written story has writing that's nearly invisible to me. After the first scene, I decided I could just trust you to tell me the story. No weird tense shifts. No awkward phrases. No weird changes of tone. I put down my notepad and just read the story.

And lo, there was a story! You filled my time and I have no complaints about how you did it.

It made sense. It was interesting. Engaging. There was action. Intrigue. Pathos. How the fuck did you write all this in three days?

You don't need me reviewing this. You know what you're doing far better than I.

I suspected Lazulite, by the way. You sold me that Fever was just too angry to consider. Well played.

You do have one erroneous leading space I noticed, before: "Really?".

>>Lamplighter
Don't let me stop you adding detail, or putting your own spin on the good and the bad. I want to be a voice, not the only voice.

My synopsis:

Tempest shadow decides her own fate.


Overall thoughts:

I wasn't gripped. I've seen the movie, this read like a novelisation.
Technically finely written, but not an interesting idea.

+
Characterisation seems good: in line with what I've seen.
It's a nice moral, good for Fizzlepop's character. You show it in more detail than the film and you do it well. She's not sacrificing herself for redemption. She's doing it because it's the right thing.

-
I mean... it's just a retelling of a scene from another viewpoint. And it doesn't tell us a great deal new, or provide a real window to Fizzlepop showing anything we weren't told or can't easily guess.
It's slightly dry. Telly. Not poetic enough to hold out as pure description on it's own. No allegory or simile.
There's some phrasing I found problematic.


Rating:

An unwise investment of talent.


This reads like you had no idea what to write at all, and you're relying on being a competent writer to make up for it. Unfortunately for your rating, I read to avoid being bored. I'd like to see what you can do when you find a more novel concept to explore.
Or where you're writing fuller action scenes. I'm going to guess that's more your normal thing.

My synopsis:

Princess Luna visits an aged pegasus at the end of her day, to offer a favour.


Overall thoughts:

I like the sentiment here, that dying ponies deserve comfort and Luna provides it.
I didn't quite get sucked in properly, because I misread the intent of the opening, and then all the little technical faults piled up against me. This is very close to being something I'd really enjoy though.

+
This seems a sweet thing for Luna to do, and the kind of duty she'd be responsible for.
Summer has a reasonable voice. She's scared, obviously, but also there's joy and a spirit for adventure.
Summer literally coming full circle when she gets bitter, and then having another go, is a very nice thought/image.

++
Summer gets to fly off into the sunset, at her own pace.

-
You didn't foreshadow well enough that the ponies she goes flying with are her old friends and not just random dream ponies.
You need a proof-reader.
I think the opening, where she's going to the hospital, doesn't do much for the fic here. Everything before the first scene change.
I don't know why Luna is disguised, it seems an unnecessary and slightly distracting point to the plot. Particularly to me, because I hate her pseudonym here.


Rating:

Good draft, needs polish.


I really like the idea that Luna is "friendly death". That seems like an interesting concept. And to follow the struggle of a dying mare, coming to terms with that fact, is a powerful thing.
Unfortunately, I presumed that Luna was going to be literally death, when you wrote

Which is how she found out about my services

and that she was going to actively end somepony who was suffering. I don't hate that concept either, I just had to re-adjust.
I like that Luna shows up and basically gives this pony her heaven. It's bittersweet, and I love bittersweet. It's easy to over-do sentimentality and force it, but I thought this was perhaps a bit too cautious in that regard.
I'm an asshole about (amongst other things) grammar. I kept tripping on your words and that kept me from enjoying the story properly. And I hate "Solacing" in a pony name. It's the "ing" that does it. Go with noun-noun: "Night Solace" for instance. Solid entry despite that.

>>Pascoite
Disclosure: I apparently still haven't had enough of this. Sorry. And I'm totally jealous that this is where all the comments are.

I didn't have the character dissonance some did that this couldn't be canon Dash in any way.

I'm going to explicitly claim ownership of this sentiment, unless somebody else speaks up. And my problem is not so much that it couldn't be Dash, more that it isn't right now.

For reference, I think the line that finally killed my Rainbow was this:

...Her brain was still growing into the right shape till a couple years ago...

But in general I expect Rainbow to be deeply irresponsible. I find it hard to reconcile "I'll just stop winter!" with "I better wait until this specific date."

I mean, to be fair, this meant that I got the feeling she must actually love Scoots and not simply be interested in her sexually. But frankly I found that just as weird.

>>AndrewRogue
While I'm here, and somewhat unrelated, I quite like the short, audio review format. There are things that come across clearly in speech that maybe don't in text.

>>Trick_Question

dismiss it outright out of prejudice

I also want to be clear here. I don't quite think this is what's happened. If that's what you think of me then I've failed to convey my feelings well.

My issue isn't with the raw subject. I don't hate "Dash" for having urges I don't understand – I do admire her control. But this "Dash" isn't my Rainbow Dash, the characterisation missed entirely. That's where the second scene failed for me. The author needs to either convince me this is Rainbow or put somebody else here, and give me a reason to care about them. I think the second option is – by far – the easier choice.

>>Cassius
I accept my rebuke. I would like to clarify, however:

...no compelling reason to imply that this story cannot be altered to fit as a tonally dark re-imagining of the show's universe..

I don't deny that this is possible. Merely that I think it would involve so many changes to the tone, structure and characterisation that I would start again entirely, rather than attempt to re-work this text. Take the premise and a blank page and try again.

...and the suggestion that the author forego writing a story...

Not my intention. Write it, but know how narrow your audience might be.

>>Xepher
I do want to bring attention to a specific point you made.

...impossible-to-visualize geometric abstractions...

I know exactly what a stellated icosohedron looks like.

So, while "ridiculous abstract language" is a completely fair complaint to level – and not wrong – what counts as "abstract" depends on who's reading.

I don't want to convince anyone that your review somehow "isn't right" because it is right, I just wanted to explain why we have different points of view here.

It's a matter of audience, I think. In the same way that I love spicy food and my friend hates it. The author is unlikely to be able to make both of us happy simultaneously here. Perhaps something useful to know and consider.

>>GaPJaxie
Interesting to see such a closely aligned opinion.

Perhaps sadly, second to bottom for me. This is a story I don't want to read, and it's not well told. Bottom went to a piece where the author didn't really get around to telling me a story at all. But I'd happily work with them on what they had, to help turn their outline into something. I just don't know what to do with this.

>>Baal Bunny
I've done nine. There is a second round of voting, yes? I'll do a few more then. It takes me quite some time to read, review and comment. I have other things that need doing this week. I'm behind my schedule already.

I got fairly lucky too, I think, in that I didn't have to read anything that I outright hated. If I had, I would not have been kind; I'd like to give people some way to avoid my public savaging of their work. Now that they can see what it would entail. I can't imagine it's entirely pleasant. Even the 'nice' review I left – I suspect that one is creepy. If it doesn't seem so, then I haven't properly conveyed my desire to have that author's babies.

Plus, if I reviewied many more than half, I'd feel obliged to fake my own review – because on average it would have showed up. I'm not sure I could seem convincingly objective enough. I can't win, but there's no need to DQ myself by leaving a review that's just the word "trash" five-hundred times. I'm already hiding from the comments on mine entirely until I work up the nerve to read them. Sometime in January, probably. Yay for anxiety :/

>>horizon
Thanks, I did read that guidance. It seemed like good advice and I tried to take it to heart when writing my reviews, hopefully they're all somewhat-helpful to people. I haven't spoilered anything, let me know if I should.

My assigned stories are all done now, but once the contest is over I'll be happy to read and make similar comments on the other stories posted – just ask.

I also have a whole lot of recommended line-edits written down: misspellings, incorrect tense use, awkward phrasing, grammar problems, etc. Anyone who wants those is also welcome to them, or just a straight-up editing/proofing pass (on gdocs). Again, after the contest, and by request.

>>Kitcat36
I have no strong objection to Flurry, she does work nicely in the role as she is. I just wouldn't have picked her myself. Not if I could squeeze a different princess for some pathos: one the reader knows better.

Her lines aren't bad, I just can't tell if they're right. If she had a bit more space to work with a lot could be done with her to make her a fuller character, but I think it's unfair to expect too much from her as a bit-part in <8k words. She's not the focus of the piece.

She could be: if the story had her repeatedly and persistantly appearing. Causing trouble. That sounds fun too, but that's probably an idea to help expand this out to a longer story, if that's something the author is interested in. Some stories are better short, after all. I think this one actually has plenty of room to grow. I would happily read an expanded version.

My synopsis:

Calling them 'gods' is wrong. You can't truly understand what they are, but maybe you can understand what they're doing.


Overall thoughts:

First class. You win.
A surprisingly straightforward little tale of how the universe was made and ends.
So tightly written: there's a little mystery but it's playful, it doesn't stray into overblown nonsense, it doesn't concern itself with irrelevancies.
The opening paragraph tapped me on the shoulder and kissed me unexpectedly; I was scared but excited.


+
You made up one word where you needed to and then avoided falling into the 'hoopy froods' and 'droogs' I was expecting.
Very "pony": the 'makers of makers' are but thin veils over the mane 6 and I felt smart for catching it 'early', even though I don't think I caught it especially early.
Similies all the way down. How else would one write about dimensions beyond understanding?
Discord shows up with a grin and a wink and I was happy to see him.
This is an Equestrian story of Equestria: both how it was made and how it ends. It was bright and fun and joyful, from a prompt which almost encourages the opposite.

++
Good gods the prose is wonderful. The words practically disappear as the story shines through them.
I played a game working out who was who as I went. I didn't need to; but I could so I did and it was fun. I don't think I'm especially smart in working out what's happening but you made me feel smart.

-
I feel quite inadequate as a writer. And as a human being.
I want to make a couple of slight line edits, just to tweak the metre of the occasional sentence.
There's a very unfortunate typo/inconsitency in one of the names.


Rating:

You don't get a rating.


My review notes are basically literally figuratively literally a love-letter to you.

The thing I want to suggest most is this: Absence of order abhors the order of absence

My synopsis:

Twilight has been avoiding dealing with the end of her world for very long time.


Overall thoughts:

This is great.
It quickly frames itself as a mystery that doesn’t try to hide too hard, or be so oblique with its clues that they’re meaningless.
Wonderfully bittersweet, funny in places without detracting from the subject.

+
The characterisation for Twi’s friends is almost spot on, which is ironically just right!
Twilight is exactly this neurotic.
The clues that something is horribly wrong have perfect balance, tantalising us and giving us a pretty good idea what Twi is up to without spoiling exactly what’s going on too soon.
Patch notes for the "universe".

++
That ending. D'aw.
Twilight’s friends are a magnificent blend of self-aware and oblivious.

-
It’s almost too slow in a couple of places. One or two judicious line edits would improve things.
Flurry doesn’t have a terribly strong character voice.
Angry Twilight (vs Flurry) sounds a little off.
You made me look up the word "charmeuse"


Rating:

Patch 1.3.1.493b (build 18750)


Top tier for sure. It reveals new clues to the truth at just the right pace, adding snippets of detail here and there. I wrote a list of possibilities in my head (well, actually in my review notes) at the end of the second scene and then got to cross them off as the story went along. It was my second guess that turned out correct, if you're wondering.

One thing I'd try: I would opt to use Cadance here instead of Flurry. Not because Flurry is a bad idea (and she shows the passage of time well) but because getting Cadance’s characterisation right would be more straightforward, and possibly more interesting. We don't know anything about Flurry and we don't have time to learn here. Cadance is a character already.

My synopsis:

Twilight Sparkle has a problem with entropy. Twilight Sparkle finds solutions to problems.


Overall thoughts:

This is a lovely, slightly Sci-Fi, journey.
It does exactly what it sets out to do, and it doesn't waste time in going about it.
Twilight masterminds literally the greatest victory of all time; I was rooting for her and was happy when she won.


+
Smooth and gentle to read – I slightly spoiled it for myself by noting tiny technical errors as I went.
Twilight and Celestia seem very much themselves.
I want to know where Discord fits in this.
Consistent pace, not rushed, not slow, but right in the goldilocks zone.

++
This is written, barring a couple of tiny line edits, at proper "I fave this" level. The characters are themselves, the description is effective and the action is engaging.
It's not trying too hard. It's filling its space and time with just what needs to be.

-
A bit of the "maths and distances" is too specific – when you get specific you can be wrong (and I think you might be)
I want to know where Discord fits in this! I feel like he wouldn't just do nothing.
I did catch a couple technical errors – easy fixes though.


Rating:

Second star on the left, then straight on till Twilight.


Twilight going on a Sci-Fi crusade to save all of existence from itself is just a wonderful thing. I'm glad I read this.

I really don't have much I can say in detail. When you do nothing I don't like, all I can say is "I liked it".

My synopsis:

Sunset Shimmer has to deal with her morning routine while also dealing with something bigger.


Overall thoughts:

This is sad and faintly tragic, in just the right way for me.
I spent the whole thing going: "Aaaw, poor Sunset!"
The plot of the story drags itself around aimlessly like a moping teenager, without getting too bogged down. It's the perfect way to have things, I think, since Sunset is also aimless.


+
I genuinely feel for Sunset here. You've conveyed her emotional state without needing to smash me with it. Nicely done.
I like it when I read a story that actually tells another story entirely, it's tricky to do right and I think you succeeded.
The narrative gives a nice insight into Sunset, what she feels and how she's coping, without dipping too far, or revealing her too starkly.
Physically very nice to read. It's all descriptions and simple actions but it stays engaging.

++
You allude to things like a boss, author. Like a boss.

-
There are a few places I got caught by wording that seemed off, a few line edits I'd make to improve the flow: they stood out because the rest was terribly well written.
I have no idea how Twilight feels in this. I know that we're in Sunset's head, and Sunset clearly has no idea what to feel, but I would have liked if you'd given me, as the reader, a hint.


Rating:

Sunset needs a cuddle.


It's strange what a story can do without doing. We get to learn and experience things without ever leaving Sunset's apartment. Nothing happens here: this is about the consequences of an event that's already happened. That's not for everyone but I like quiet character pieces when they're done well, as I think this is.

My synopsis:

Octavia's family and friends don't approve of her love life.


Overall thoughts:

This is glorious in its simplicity.
It's just characters talking, but I like that – when the characters seem real and their conversations seem genuine.
I thought it had literally one spelling error: a kind of "last-brick at Jiayu pass" thing, but then I found a second one.


+
Octavia's friends and relatives all come off as real douche ponies, vain and shallow, without seeming over-the-top villainous.
Very natural back-and-forth conversation.
I thought there was a nice progression / slide of Octavia's mood as the piece progressed. It could have just been the same thing told 3 times and it was not.
Vinyl: an earnest port in a sea of phony ponies.
Octavia: I don't know why she loves Vinyl but I know she does.

++
The text must flow!
Seriously, this is just so smooth and flowy. It has the perfect amount of "set dressing" for this kind of writing.

-
I have nothing really bad to say!
Oh, wait, you used an Oxford comma that one time. I'm afraid you're dead to me now. That's a shame.
Hey, other readers? Did you want action? Well, tough. It's just Octy getting emotionally thwacked repeatedly.


Rating:

The lesser of two evils.


It's straightforward and simple and maybe it is a bit weird that nopony Octy knows thinks she should go through with it. But as a concept I'm fine with all her friends being dicks and her ditching them for love. It's kinda sweet. They might all be right, marrying Vinyl might be a terrible idea. I don't care. Not everything has to be complex.

And I'm a sucker for nice prose.

Except that comma.

Fuck that comma.