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I’ll be upfront and say this is one of the ones I least enjoyed, though I initially found it difficult to put into words exactly why. The writing is mostly sound on a technical level, and barring two instances I’ll get to later, there weren’t any glaring mistakes, per se. It might sound odd, and this is just my opinion, but trying to make your characterization of Starlight more rounded seems to be detrimental to the kind of comedy you’re going for, especially when confined to such a small word count. I hope I can do a decent job explaining my reasoning for this.
After my first read through, I initially thought it might be a Starlight bash fic even though I’m 100% positive it isn’t. Her logic for putting the painting in the museum makes enough sense, but her attitude towards it makes it seem like she cares more about her reputation than the ponies she may have hurt. I understand you were trying to play this for comedy—which is exactly what you should do—but it fell short because you didn’t fully embrace the absurdity of the situation. For example, it would have been better to give Twilight and Starlight completely opposite attitudes from the beginning, such as by having Twilight only care about the ponies while Starlight only cares about getting her art into a museum with no concern at all for those she trapped. Or you could go even further and have neither one care about the ponies and spend more time arguing with each other about artistic merit. Instead, Starlight is shown to care just enough about the ponies to make her apparent lackadaisical attitude towards them feel more like the actions of a caricature one might see in a bash fic (which isn’t helped by the sentence: “So, I found a few willing and consenting friends--” she shot the frozen crowd a withering glare). Looking at the word count, I think this could just be the result of you having to trim and compress quite a bit, and might not be what appears in your average writing.
The ending is also sudden, which seems to be a common side-effect of the word limit for most of these stories. That’s not to say the ending is bad; I actually think the last line is a good one to end on. However, the preceding paragraphs don’t feel at all like they’re leading to an ending, which gives the impression of dropping off a cliff before driving the last couple feet to the finish. Again, I think this is the result of the word limitation, so I’m fairly confident this isn’t a normal problem in your writing.
As for the two instances I mentioned above: The first one was Starlight throwing her “arms” around Twilight, which is a simple mistake with a simple fix. The second was the inconsistency with how the 3D ponies were frozen. At first, they were locked in place by magic, unable to move their jaws. Later, they can speak, but are holding their poses? Later again, they’re back to being locked in place before Starlight unfreezes them. Nothing too major.
There were things I did like about this story. I like the happy little repetition, and I really like the overall concept. Starlight accidentally makes living copies of ponies and traps them in a pocket dimension because she wanted her lines to be straight. It’s wonderfully absurd, which is right up my alley. I just don’t think the absurdity is given the treatment it deserves.
After my first read through, I initially thought it might be a Starlight bash fic even though I’m 100% positive it isn’t. Her logic for putting the painting in the museum makes enough sense, but her attitude towards it makes it seem like she cares more about her reputation than the ponies she may have hurt. I understand you were trying to play this for comedy—which is exactly what you should do—but it fell short because you didn’t fully embrace the absurdity of the situation. For example, it would have been better to give Twilight and Starlight completely opposite attitudes from the beginning, such as by having Twilight only care about the ponies while Starlight only cares about getting her art into a museum with no concern at all for those she trapped. Or you could go even further and have neither one care about the ponies and spend more time arguing with each other about artistic merit. Instead, Starlight is shown to care just enough about the ponies to make her apparent lackadaisical attitude towards them feel more like the actions of a caricature one might see in a bash fic (which isn’t helped by the sentence: “So, I found a few willing and consenting friends--” she shot the frozen crowd a withering glare). Looking at the word count, I think this could just be the result of you having to trim and compress quite a bit, and might not be what appears in your average writing.
The ending is also sudden, which seems to be a common side-effect of the word limit for most of these stories. That’s not to say the ending is bad; I actually think the last line is a good one to end on. However, the preceding paragraphs don’t feel at all like they’re leading to an ending, which gives the impression of dropping off a cliff before driving the last couple feet to the finish. Again, I think this is the result of the word limitation, so I’m fairly confident this isn’t a normal problem in your writing.
As for the two instances I mentioned above: The first one was Starlight throwing her “arms” around Twilight, which is a simple mistake with a simple fix. The second was the inconsistency with how the 3D ponies were frozen. At first, they were locked in place by magic, unable to move their jaws. Later, they can speak, but are holding their poses? Later again, they’re back to being locked in place before Starlight unfreezes them. Nothing too major.
There were things I did like about this story. I like the happy little repetition, and I really like the overall concept. Starlight accidentally makes living copies of ponies and traps them in a pocket dimension because she wanted her lines to be straight. It’s wonderfully absurd, which is right up my alley. I just don’t think the absurdity is given the treatment it deserves.
If the author’s anonymity is a big part of the ranking process, should we limit the number of stories we comment on this round? Otherwise it would be easy to know who wrote what after looking at the stories they’ve commented on.
Equestria has debt. Princess Celestia: 1 G07 7h15, FAM. Well done, I’m a sucker for stealth puns.
I have some problems, however:
Raven is referred to as “Raven,” then “Inkwell,” then “Raven” for a while, and then “Inkwell” again. Not only is this inconsistency jarring, you also don’t use her full name a single time. If a reader doesn’t already know who Raven Inkwell is, they would be very confused.
The plunger bit feels very forced to me. The story is comical but not absurd, so that line really sticks out in a bad way.
The ending is rather weak as far as punchlines go. There’s no indication for why Twilight isn’t surprised. She might think Celestia is incompetent, or playing a prank, or just has a tendency to put other things off, too.
There are some awkward lines that could use pruning:
Removing this word makes it flow better. Someone poking their head through a doorway already implies they aren’t fully entering yet.
Maybe it’s just me, but it’s weird to see a direct address followed by an indirect one. I think you could do either Her Highness and she, or Your Highness and you, and it would be better. Again, though, it might just be me.
I get that Raven is professional, but this line feels like something even a robot wouldn’t say.
This last one is mostly preference, but it would be better in my opinion to rewrite the second sentence.
It’s a fine bit of horsewords overall, but those little things add up.
I have some problems, however:
Raven is referred to as “Raven,” then “Inkwell,” then “Raven” for a while, and then “Inkwell” again. Not only is this inconsistency jarring, you also don’t use her full name a single time. If a reader doesn’t already know who Raven Inkwell is, they would be very confused.
The plunger bit feels very forced to me. The story is comical but not absurd, so that line really sticks out in a bad way.
The ending is rather weak as far as punchlines go. There’s no indication for why Twilight isn’t surprised. She might think Celestia is incompetent, or playing a prank, or just has a tendency to put other things off, too.
There are some awkward lines that could use pruning:
Yes, Princess Twilight?" she answered, poking her head just through the doorway.
Removing this word makes it flow better. Someone poking their head through a doorway already implies they aren’t fully entering yet.
I am pleased to inform Your Highness that she is not mentally unwell
Maybe it’s just me, but it’s weird to see a direct address followed by an indirect one. I think you could do either Her Highness and she, or Your Highness and you, and it would be better. Again, though, it might just be me.
Please continue breathing normally for a moment longer, Your Highness.
I get that Raven is professional, but this line feels like something even a robot wouldn’t say.
A little interest adds up over the course of six hundred years or so, doesn't it? The current legal-speak is no less murky than it was six hundred years ago, too, but that's lawyers for you.
This last one is mostly preference, but it would be better in my opinion to rewrite the second sentence.
It’s a fine bit of horsewords overall, but those little things add up.
One, the Majordomo, was a gaunt old stallion who looked as though he hadn’t been a horse in previous lifetimes and had only just avoided it in this one.
This is a great line even in a vacuum, and is then improved with the reveal of it being half true. However, that’s where my praises end.
The writing is perfectly serviceable, but there are a few problems with the story. The genre is clearly comedy, but it feels more like a concept you might laugh at in your head, not something that translates well into an actual story. There’s nothing here beyond the idea, no real humor aside from the above quote and “oh look, they’re all humans too,” which isn’t funny on its own.
The pacing goes from fine to “never mind, we have a word limit” after the first few paragraphs. The Maid spills her guts unprompted, and then it gets handwaved by saying she has sudden bouts of self-damaging honesty. I understand the intention was for it to be humorous, but it came off more like a mini exposition dump.
The lines about the dress being permanent weren’t necessary. Not only does it add little humor to the story, it actually takes away from it. Making it so she can’t take off the uniform removes some of the ridiculousness of the situation.
The Majordomo being a human could have been a neat little one-in-a-million encounter, but that quickly hops over into one-in-a-non-believable. It’s all played so nonchalantly with no straight man to provide a reference point for what’s “normal.” The Maid could have served this purpose, but she immediately accepts everything with no hesitation.
I have other minor gripes and opinions, but I’ll leave it there for now.
Blegh. I have no idea how to feel. I started off thinking I had a great idea, but reading what I wrote over and over has made me numb to the quality of it. As long as you all rank my story number 1, it should be ok. :^)
Also, Fimfic dying for a day is what got me to try another one of these, so thanks for that, knighty.
Also, Fimfic dying for a day is what got me to try another one of these, so thanks for that, knighty.
>>Caliaponia
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>Posh
>>horizon
\o/ Woo! Got to the finals! It's more than I was hoping for, so I'm happy with that.
I'm not gonna lie, I rushed to submit this as fast as possible once it was exactly long enough. I panicked about time, despite having multiple hours to spare. Because of this, I didn't give myself the chance to use my logic gland, resulting in some pretty glaring flaws, namely communication. I have no idea how this slipped by me. I could have simply let them talk around the subject, with Shining lying to protect her in his mind, and Cadance unwilling to call him out on it because she's extremely insecure and afraid of losing him after just getting him back (this was supposed to be set shortly after the wedding, less than a month later). This would more easily show how both were scarred by the invasion in different ways, which is what I was trying to go for. Looking back, Cadance's section doesn't do the best job of portraying that.
Perhaps there are other fixes for this, but that's the first thing that came to mind.
Posh:
I was experimentingwith my college friends with telling a story through the aftermath. There's no story happening because it already happened, if that makes sense. I wanted the reader to put the pieces together about what happened. I can clarify in detail if you want, since I seem to have missed the mark in that regard.
Horizon: I think I can make it more clear that it's Cadance by having her think about how she nearly lost Shining once to a mere bug, and now she might lose him again because she isn't good enough. It would play more on the idea that Cadance is insecure and thinks that Shining wouldn't have fallen if he really loved her, or if she were worth loving at all. However, now you've put it in my mind to turn this into Chrysalis's POV, or maybe an intentionally vague POV that could have either her or Cadance as the first part, with Shining oblivious to the possible ruse. That'd be pretty neat.
Anywho, thank you all for the feedback! I will use it wisely. o7
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>Posh
>>horizon
\o/ Woo! Got to the finals! It's more than I was hoping for, so I'm happy with that.
I'm not gonna lie, I rushed to submit this as fast as possible once it was exactly long enough. I panicked about time, despite having multiple hours to spare. Because of this, I didn't give myself the chance to use my logic gland, resulting in some pretty glaring flaws, namely communication. I have no idea how this slipped by me. I could have simply let them talk around the subject, with Shining lying to protect her in his mind, and Cadance unwilling to call him out on it because she's extremely insecure and afraid of losing him after just getting him back (this was supposed to be set shortly after the wedding, less than a month later). This would more easily show how both were scarred by the invasion in different ways, which is what I was trying to go for. Looking back, Cadance's section doesn't do the best job of portraying that.
Perhaps there are other fixes for this, but that's the first thing that came to mind.
Posh:
the lack of an actual narrative (as opposed to these two segments of introspection) make it difficult for me to invest anything in the piece itself.
I was experimenting
Horizon: I think I can make it more clear that it's Cadance by having her think about how she nearly lost Shining once to a mere bug, and now she might lose him again because she isn't good enough. It would play more on the idea that Cadance is insecure and thinks that Shining wouldn't have fallen if he really loved her, or if she were worth loving at all. However, now you've put it in my mind to turn this into Chrysalis's POV, or maybe an intentionally vague POV that could have either her or Cadance as the first part, with Shining oblivious to the possible ruse. That'd be pretty neat.
Anywho, thank you all for the feedback! I will use it wisely. o7
>>Icenrose
Horses don’t bare their teeth as a warning in the same way dogs do. They usually only show their teeth either immediately before biting, or as something called the flehmen response (the silly hoers faec with a flipped upper lip). The flehmen response most often occurs when a stallion smells a mare in heat, or when a horse smells something interesting/unfamiliar in general.
The author intentionally references the corners of the mouth jerking up, not the upper lip, harking back to the feeling of a bit and reigns. I 100% agree that it helps the overall unsettled nature of the story, but I just wanted to point out that a “natural” reaction would be slightly different from what we see here. However, it’s possible that your explanation is the one the author was going for, just skewed a little by tiny biological inaccuracies.
Horses don’t bare their teeth as a warning in the same way dogs do. They usually only show their teeth either immediately before biting, or as something called the flehmen response (the silly hoers faec with a flipped upper lip). The flehmen response most often occurs when a stallion smells a mare in heat, or when a horse smells something interesting/unfamiliar in general.
The author intentionally references the corners of the mouth jerking up, not the upper lip, harking back to the feeling of a bit and reigns. I 100% agree that it helps the overall unsettled nature of the story, but I just wanted to point out that a “natural” reaction would be slightly different from what we see here. However, it’s possible that your explanation is the one the author was going for, just skewed a little by tiny biological inaccuracies.
There are three major issues I have with this story. This first is Snails being distractingly verbose and all around OOC. I can’t imagine him ever using the word “coherent,” at least not correctly, or talking philosophically about being part of a whole. (If the intent is to make him seem smarter, why bother in a story where he doesn’t understand the concept of death yet?)
The second is the overuse of the whole “if someone looked, they would have seen x” stuff. That was covered above by Posh, so I’ll be brief. I think it would have worked much better if it were only used once in the opening and once in the ending. As it is right now, it sort of drags the story down by forcing the reader to view Cheerilee from a detached perspective the whole time instead of being at least partly inside her head.
The third (and most minor) is the format. If one character is speaking continuously without interruption, you will almost never need to make a new paragraph mid-dialogue. Doing so only confuses the reader as to who is speaking at the moment.
The second is the overuse of the whole “if someone looked, they would have seen x” stuff. That was covered above by Posh, so I’ll be brief. I think it would have worked much better if it were only used once in the opening and once in the ending. As it is right now, it sort of drags the story down by forcing the reader to view Cheerilee from a detached perspective the whole time instead of being at least partly inside her head.
The third (and most minor) is the format. If one character is speaking continuously without interruption, you will almost never need to make a new paragraph mid-dialogue. Doing so only confuses the reader as to who is speaking at the moment.
I think I should be completely honest here. On my first read, I thought this was about average, maybe even a bit below. I guess the humor just didn’t land for the most part. That may have been the product of my lack of coffee at the time, but I think I should bring it up anyway because why not. Read number two brought some very bright spots to my attention, though.
You did a good job with Rarity’s natural overacting, plus Cadance’s dialogue felt dead and sluggish (as it should in her state). You don’t stretch any of the jokes out, leaving just enough to make a funny before moving to the next bit. However, the thing that I absolutely love is the setup at the beginning. Cadance hears wails approaching while she laments her sleepless nights. The reader expects the wails to be Flurry, but those expectations are subverted when it turns out to be Rarity, who almost immediately asks about Flurry Heart. That was golden, in my opinion.
Aside from that, the whole river motif is forced, but gold star for making the attempt. Better to shoot and miss than to not shoot at all. Unless you hit a kid or something. Then it’s bad.
You did a good job with Rarity’s natural overacting, plus Cadance’s dialogue felt dead and sluggish (as it should in her state). You don’t stretch any of the jokes out, leaving just enough to make a funny before moving to the next bit. However, the thing that I absolutely love is the setup at the beginning. Cadance hears wails approaching while she laments her sleepless nights. The reader expects the wails to be Flurry, but those expectations are subverted when it turns out to be Rarity, who almost immediately asks about Flurry Heart. That was golden, in my opinion.
Aside from that, the whole river motif is forced, but gold star for making the attempt. Better to shoot and miss than to not shoot at all. Unless you hit a kid or something. Then it’s bad.
The ending is lackluster, but there’s quite a bit here that I like. I have an unhealthy attraction to mid-sentence flashbacks/memories. It’s a problem I developed at a young age, and I’ve been seeing a therapist for it. Along with that, present tense is a great choice here, one of the few times where it works better than past. The confusion came off as genuine, or about as genuine as a horse can be. Good stuff is for nerds, though. You’re here for critique.
The ending is clearly supposed to be associated with the dream about the bit (the horse kind) in the beginning. However, what’s not clear is why. The horse is smiling on her own, possibly for the first time, yet the imagery calls back to the pain of having no control at all. If the ending is suppose to be happy, then using the word “jerked” killed that idea. If it’s supposed to be a deep and philosophical type of thing, then I think you missed the mark. Or I’m just a dumb. There’s always that.
Also, I think this story could benefit from a few more horsewords sprinkled in (fearsmell, etc). They really help with reenforcing the identity of the narrator as being more primal or feral than ponies.
In that same vein, try using much simpler words to express the thoughts of the narrator. If she has trouble remembering what a town is called, her vocabulary should be likewise limited.
The ending is clearly supposed to be associated with the dream about the bit (the horse kind) in the beginning. However, what’s not clear is why. The horse is smiling on her own, possibly for the first time, yet the imagery calls back to the pain of having no control at all. If the ending is suppose to be happy, then using the word “jerked” killed that idea. If it’s supposed to be a deep and philosophical type of thing, then I think you missed the mark. Or I’m just a dumb. There’s always that.
Also, I think this story could benefit from a few more horsewords sprinkled in (fearsmell, etc). They really help with reenforcing the identity of the narrator as being more primal or feral than ponies.
In that same vein, try using much simpler words to express the thoughts of the narrator. If she has trouble remembering what a town is called, her vocabulary should be likewise limited.
The first part got a smile out of me, but it slowly faded as the rest of the story turned out to be nothing more than repetition. The punchline arrived with the first trophy, so every following one serves no purpose.
If the rest of the trophy stories were removed, I honestly don’t know how I could stretch the remainder out without resorting to repetition or just fluffing up sentences, so I don’t think it’s a problem of execution. The problem is the premise not being big enough for anything more than a couple paragraphs. This would almost be better served as a single scene in a different minific.
Basically: You did what you could with a weak premise, so I don’t think your skill as a writer is being showcased properly. With a broader scope (and a higher word limit), I doubt you would have any problems.
If the rest of the trophy stories were removed, I honestly don’t know how I could stretch the remainder out without resorting to repetition or just fluffing up sentences, so I don’t think it’s a problem of execution. The problem is the premise not being big enough for anything more than a couple paragraphs. This would almost be better served as a single scene in a different minific.
Basically: You did what you could with a weak premise, so I don’t think your skill as a writer is being showcased properly. With a broader scope (and a higher word limit), I doubt you would have any problems.
This left me feeling “meh” more than anything. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. The dialogue felt unnatural, especially Blueblood’s parts. He’s basically laying out his complete version of what he thinks happened with very little prompting. It might have been better if he had actually seen the changeling steal the cake, which would give him a solid reason for being so willing to spill his guts about the whole thing, causing Celestia to think he’s making up a crazy story to cover for himself again.
The lack of commas is a minor issue that can be fixed with a prereader or editor, so don’t stress about that too much.
I’m 90% sure this is intended to be a comedy, but it lacks one major thing: excess. When going for humor, go all out. Try to squeeze a funny out of every single letter. The descriptions for Cadance—and partly Blueblood—are wasted words that add neither humor nor plot.
Removing these sentences wouldn’t affect the story at all.
It’s decent conceptually, but the execution falls short.
The lack of commas is a minor issue that can be fixed with a prereader or editor, so don’t stress about that too much.
I’m 90% sure this is intended to be a comedy, but it lacks one major thing: excess. When going for humor, go all out. Try to squeeze a funny out of every single letter. The descriptions for Cadance—and partly Blueblood—are wasted words that add neither humor nor plot.
Both Blueblood and Cadence were good foals generally speaking. They were both kind and inventive in their own ways. Cadence was very good at skipping rope, making friends and painting. Celestia thought the hoof print turkey she'd made was rather nice if messy.
Blueblood on the other hoof was her opposite. He was charming and usually reserved unless provoked.
Removing these sentences wouldn’t affect the story at all.
It’s decent conceptually, but the execution falls short.
This feels like the set up to an amazing story. It’s got everything needed to hook a reader in and make them want more. When voting ends, I highly encourage you to expand on this.
On its own, however, I can only give it 11/10 instead of the 13/10 I want to give.
On its own, however, I can only give it 11/10 instead of the 13/10 I want to give.
Great start, but it got very telly at the end.
If Celestia talked to Luna without addressing Lilith directly, the information could have been sprinkled through back and forth dialogue instead of being dragged across the reader’s metaphorical face parts. The word limit would make that difficult to properly execute, though.
All in all: very neat premise, okay execution.
If Celestia talked to Luna without addressing Lilith directly, the information could have been sprinkled through back and forth dialogue instead of being dragged across the reader’s metaphorical face parts. The word limit would make that difficult to properly execute, though.
All in all: very neat premise, okay execution.
For the beginning, it was unclear what the tone was supposed to be. It felt lighthearted during Twilight’s introspection about Celestia, but when she noted that Rarity’s eyes told the truth, I wasn’t quite sure if it was a playful truth, or an angry truth, or what. It was ambiguous to me until Rarity’s older age came up.
Twilight’s inner voice is mature, but not jaded, which I find 100% believable. It’s definitely a step up from most fics I’ve read where she’s eternally neurotic and has the mind of a teenager stuck in the awkward phase of alicorn.
Rarity was a great choice for a conversation partner, since almost every other non-alicorn character (except maybe Fluttershy) has the social nuance of a chair. I don’t think the dancing around the subject would have worked with any other character.
Twilight’s inner voice is mature, but not jaded, which I find 100% believable. It’s definitely a step up from most fics I’ve read where she’s eternally neurotic and has the mind of a teenager stuck in the awkward phase of alicorn.
Rarity was a great choice for a conversation partner, since almost every other non-alicorn character (except maybe Fluttershy) has the social nuance of a chair. I don’t think the dancing around the subject would have worked with any other character.
>>GaPJaxie
It’s not quite out of left field. Discord mentions that he collects “horn shavings, horn shavings, hoof trimmings, and shed feathers.” Each of those were involved in the boys’ problems, so they made the connection. Not exactly the best foreshadowing, but it’s something.
It might have worked better if the author used items that were more... distinct? I dunno. They all blended together as “grody body crumbs” when I read them the first time. I had to go back and reread before I got it.
It’s not quite out of left field. Discord mentions that he collects “horn shavings, horn shavings, hoof trimmings, and shed feathers.” Each of those were involved in the boys’ problems, so they made the connection. Not exactly the best foreshadowing, but it’s something.
It might have worked better if the author used items that were more... distinct? I dunno. They all blended together as “grody body crumbs” when I read them the first time. I had to go back and reread before I got it.
On the technical level, everything is mostly fine. However, there were a few sentences that were awkward to read or just felt off. These in particular:
It’s like watching a 3-D movie with no glasses. I can tell what’s going on, it’s just awkward to look at.
On that note, there were three similes used fairly close to each other (like an eruption, like a wild animal, like a hound). When used in a story with such a limited amount of words, they stick out and make it feel almost purple-y.
We’ll have a hard time without you, but we’ll surely survive despite you, and if you come to your senses, there's always work on the farm.
Meanwhile, approaching Pinkamena one at a time on her last day—as she sat alone at the train station on top of her overflowing suitcase—was nopony’s idea.
Igneous thought of continuing, but the only thing left to discuss was how prestigious geological schooling compared to a minimum wage job in a small town bakery, and Cloudy would have brought all that up anyways.
Besides, for some itching reason, Igneous’s thoughts—usually obsessed with the past—were trained on the future like a hound noticing a threat before its owner did.
It’s like watching a 3-D movie with no glasses. I can tell what’s going on, it’s just awkward to look at.
On that note, there were three similes used fairly close to each other (like an eruption, like a wild animal, like a hound). When used in a story with such a limited amount of words, they stick out and make it feel almost purple-y.
>>Baal Bunny
From what I understand, it seems like AJ eats fish and is lying about it. For some reason.
From what I understand, it seems like AJ eats fish and is lying about it. For some reason.
Muh thoughts - It feels like the tree is supposed to be important considering the amount of focus it’s given, but it’s simply a tree. It adds little to the story, so it’s just wasted words in my opinion.
Pinkie falls asleep feeling content, but then wakes up trying to hide her anguish? That sudden shift is jarring, and I don’t see any hints about the reason for her feeling that way. If she’s suffering from depression, then anguish is a bit too strong of a word to use.
Muh suggestions - The storm metaphor could have been moved to the beginning, setting a juxtaposition between it and the calm snow, which would mirror Pinkie’s inner feelings and her outward behavior.
You could have mentioned the rest of the Mane Six(if EqG, then seven?) as also being a source of stability for Pinkie. As it is, I’m left wondering why Rarity is closer to her than the others, since there’s no explanation or hint given. If the intention was for Rarity to be a lover or love interest, then I’d undertand, but the term “closest friend” isn’t a very strong indicator of that.
Pinkie falls asleep feeling content, but then wakes up trying to hide her anguish? That sudden shift is jarring, and I don’t see any hints about the reason for her feeling that way. If she’s suffering from depression, then anguish is a bit too strong of a word to use.
Muh suggestions - The storm metaphor could have been moved to the beginning, setting a juxtaposition between it and the calm snow, which would mirror Pinkie’s inner feelings and her outward behavior.
You could have mentioned the rest of the Mane Six(if EqG, then seven?) as also being a source of stability for Pinkie. As it is, I’m left wondering why Rarity is closer to her than the others, since there’s no explanation or hint given. If the intention was for Rarity to be a lover or love interest, then I’d undertand, but the term “closest friend” isn’t a very strong indicator of that.
>>Trick_Question
I would honestly love to read this once you expand it a bit and punch a few dings out. This was already good as it is, so I'm looking forward to the refined version.
I would honestly love to read this once you expand it a bit and punch a few dings out. This was already good as it is, so I'm looking forward to the refined version.
It started out weird(surely intentional), got *really* interesting as more was revealed, but then it kinda fell off at the end. Not to say the end was bad story-wise; it just seems like it was written with a solid idea of what you wanted, but with only 15 minutes left to execute.
Overall, it was well-written and very enjoyable. I don’t normally like to make predictions, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this makes top 36 easily.
Overall, it was well-written and very enjoyable. I don’t normally like to make predictions, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this makes top 36 easily.
Paging WIP