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This works for me foremost as a character vignette: by the end I feel like I understand a lot about Lug Nut's personality and the way his mind works. I also feel like I am definitely reading Truth In Fiction, and it is a scary thought, so--well done.
I had some of the same trouble with language and word choices that other readers have mentioned. Specifically, I'd appreciate a little more rhythmic variation and different sentence lengths. Most of what's here is on the longer side, and it can get convoluted at times. I think the general approach suits the intention, though. It's a good idea for a comedic sketch--I actually started to imagine the text as narration for a film short, and it really worked.
I had some of the same trouble with language and word choices that other readers have mentioned. Specifically, I'd appreciate a little more rhythmic variation and different sentence lengths. Most of what's here is on the longer side, and it can get convoluted at times. I think the general approach suits the intention, though. It's a good idea for a comedic sketch--I actually started to imagine the text as narration for a film short, and it really worked.
The dialogue here is well-paced, and Pinkie's voice comes through clearly--it's always good when I can easily hear the character in my head delivering the lines.
That said, her voice doesn't need to be quite as dominant as it is here. Maybe there could be a bit where Pinkie asks Shining to just *watch* the interactions of the two girls (because, y'know, more extreme awkwardness is exactly what Shining needs in this story.) There are lots of good suggestions here for how you might show the potential for romance between the two. Unless this is really about Pinkie just forming wild unfounded schemes. Which is also fine.
Shining makes a good straight man with comedic value of his own. All in all, a solid effort!
That said, her voice doesn't need to be quite as dominant as it is here. Maybe there could be a bit where Pinkie asks Shining to just *watch* the interactions of the two girls (because, y'know, more extreme awkwardness is exactly what Shining needs in this story.) There are lots of good suggestions here for how you might show the potential for romance between the two. Unless this is really about Pinkie just forming wild unfounded schemes. Which is also fine.
Shining makes a good straight man with comedic value of his own. All in all, a solid effort!
This is cute and it gave me a chuckle. I don't have much constructive criticism to add, but >>Trick_Question put into words much of what I was thinking as I read about Luna's understanding of "shipping."
For the first three paragraphs, I wasn't sure if this was about a death or a breakup. The ambiguity sets up a nice payoff of conflicting emotions--the relief that Octavia's still alive paired directly with Vinyl's grief and anger. The shift in tone felt very real to me. This is a good short study in the ways people can hold strong and seemingly contradictory feelings for their loved ones.
Most minifics I read here would benefit from more words to breathe, but this letter format and your execution work well within the confines of the word count. It seems in keeping with Vinyl's character that she would write sparsely and to the point, but in words that pack a powerful punch.
And I'm kind of okay with not knowing why Octavia's gone. Vinyl doesn't know--at least, she claims she doesn't know (big unreliable narrator energy), which does leave us with all sorts of unanswered questions. I would read a story that sets out to pursue some of those answers, and I think it would give us a fairer view of both Octavia and Vinyl. But this piece works for me as a glimpse of a moment in Vinyl's life, complete with all her confusion and despair.
Most minifics I read here would benefit from more words to breathe, but this letter format and your execution work well within the confines of the word count. It seems in keeping with Vinyl's character that she would write sparsely and to the point, but in words that pack a powerful punch.
And I'm kind of okay with not knowing why Octavia's gone. Vinyl doesn't know--at least, she claims she doesn't know (big unreliable narrator energy), which does leave us with all sorts of unanswered questions. I would read a story that sets out to pursue some of those answers, and I think it would give us a fairer view of both Octavia and Vinyl. But this piece works for me as a glimpse of a moment in Vinyl's life, complete with all her confusion and despair.
Oh boy I guess this is happening!
...is it too late for me to say I want to be the Great Potoo?
...is it too late for me to say I want to be the Great Potoo?
I wish this had appeared on my slate. It was a pleasure to read, one of my favorites this round, and not just because I'm drawn to stories about music and musicians. It was clearly written with care for its subjects and themes.
This story works well as an introduction to the bar, and I agree with others that this would make a great setting for a series. As an arc for Octavia, I found it satisfying enough. For a professional musician, completing a commission for such an important patron would be no small thing. Some more words about her process could help strengthen the stakes and illustrate the conflict. More details about the other characters would also help bring the bar fully to life, and I would read that all day.
In the debut performance scene, I found myself feeling rather separated from the music and, consequently, the events and characters themselves. It's right on the verge of drawing me in, but--somehow the description of the music seems disconnected from Octavia's experience of it (aside from its increasing difficulty.) It sounds like you're already on that, though. I did appreciate all the musical details you took the time to include.
One thing I thought of, which you can of course take or leave, would be a move to Luna's PoV at some point while she's hearing the music. I would love to experience it as she does. Maybe that's a different story? I would read that too. Thank you for writing!
This story works well as an introduction to the bar, and I agree with others that this would make a great setting for a series. As an arc for Octavia, I found it satisfying enough. For a professional musician, completing a commission for such an important patron would be no small thing. Some more words about her process could help strengthen the stakes and illustrate the conflict. More details about the other characters would also help bring the bar fully to life, and I would read that all day.
In the debut performance scene, I found myself feeling rather separated from the music and, consequently, the events and characters themselves. It's right on the verge of drawing me in, but--somehow the description of the music seems disconnected from Octavia's experience of it (aside from its increasing difficulty.) It sounds like you're already on that, though. I did appreciate all the musical details you took the time to include.
One thing I thought of, which you can of course take or leave, would be a move to Luna's PoV at some point while she's hearing the music. I would love to experience it as she does. Maybe that's a different story? I would read that too. Thank you for writing!
Genre: John Hooves Movie
This is well-written. I would have liked to see more variety in the interactions between Octavia and the other ponies in the first scenes. It did feel like the same conversation each time, which certainly justifies her mounting anger. But--okay, when she thinks of telling her mom she wants to check in on her health I thought, "That's a good idea actually, maybe this will show us another dimension of their relationship." It was a little disappointing, I admit, when Mom just got mean right away and flipped her an ultimatum. It does work for building up to the "moment of truth" you planned for Octavia here.
The ending with Vinyl is nice and warm and I like the energy it brings to the story, but like other readers I would have liked to see some of that earlier. Octavia actually bringing Vinyl to a meal/event could have created some interesting opportunities, like showing how these other ponies behave differently (or don't) in her presence.
I don't mind stories like the ones I've heard before, if they're good stories. Some things will keep being told and retold as long as there are people to hear and identify with them. And there will *always* be people who want to hear about forbidden love and underpony triumph. You just keep on improving and writing the best forbidden-love-and-underpony-triumph tales you can.
This is well-written. I would have liked to see more variety in the interactions between Octavia and the other ponies in the first scenes. It did feel like the same conversation each time, which certainly justifies her mounting anger. But--okay, when she thinks of telling her mom she wants to check in on her health I thought, "That's a good idea actually, maybe this will show us another dimension of their relationship." It was a little disappointing, I admit, when Mom just got mean right away and flipped her an ultimatum. It does work for building up to the "moment of truth" you planned for Octavia here.
The ending with Vinyl is nice and warm and I like the energy it brings to the story, but like other readers I would have liked to see some of that earlier. Octavia actually bringing Vinyl to a meal/event could have created some interesting opportunities, like showing how these other ponies behave differently (or don't) in her presence.
I don't mind stories like the ones I've heard before, if they're good stories. Some things will keep being told and retold as long as there are people to hear and identify with them. And there will *always* be people who want to hear about forbidden love and underpony triumph. You just keep on improving and writing the best forbidden-love-and-underpony-triumph tales you can.
When a woobie comes along
You must kick it
Dang.
These circumstances and this kind of body horror + psychic trauma could really get under my skin--but they didn't, here. >>horizon's critique covers a lot of the reasons. Some of the words spent on multiple repetitions could perhaps be used to tell more of this story. I know the repetition is intentional. Maybe it's telling me something I haven't figured out yet.
The horror of the circumstances felt like a blunt instrument when it might be more effective as a scalpel. To mix metaphors, I saw too much of the monster, and too soon. But I didn't feel the things that should have followed. I was told a lot about how awful everything was, but in a way that felt like someone trying to convince me.
Obviously it worked for a lot of other readers, though, so maybe this one's just not quite my style. It will probably stick with me regardless, and that's something. Thanks for writing.
You must kick it
Dang.
These circumstances and this kind of body horror + psychic trauma could really get under my skin--but they didn't, here. >>horizon's critique covers a lot of the reasons. Some of the words spent on multiple repetitions could perhaps be used to tell more of this story. I know the repetition is intentional. Maybe it's telling me something I haven't figured out yet.
The horror of the circumstances felt like a blunt instrument when it might be more effective as a scalpel. To mix metaphors, I saw too much of the monster, and too soon. But I didn't feel the things that should have followed. I was told a lot about how awful everything was, but in a way that felt like someone trying to convince me.
Obviously it worked for a lot of other readers, though, so maybe this one's just not quite my style. It will probably stick with me regardless, and that's something. Thanks for writing.
Cool concept! I love Luna and all the creative ideas folks come up with for her character and abilities. I could definitely see her doing something like this.
Unfortunately, I didn't get as invested in this as I might have. My issues are mostly technical: I had trouble getting through a lot of it because of sentence structure/length, a few errors and similar readability issues. I don't want to pick on this one story too much, because I run into it a lot and commit my fair share. Some of that is to be expected while rushing just to get all the images and ideas out of our heads in some semblance of order.
One thing that helps me is to read each sentence aloud, noting the rhythm and phrasing, the places it falls naturally to pause and breathe. If something sounds awkward or unnatural, I may try rewriting it several different ways--splitting up longer sentences, rearranging words, experimenting on innocent punctuation marks--until I find the flow that feels best. Sometimes I'll find simpler word choices or whole phrases I can trim without losing meaning.
I know that's not a specific critique, really, just something I thought to mention in case anyone else finds it useful. I'm glad this story is here, and I would be glad to read it again if it has not yet reached its Final Form.
Unfortunately, I didn't get as invested in this as I might have. My issues are mostly technical: I had trouble getting through a lot of it because of sentence structure/length, a few errors and similar readability issues. I don't want to pick on this one story too much, because I run into it a lot and commit my fair share. Some of that is to be expected while rushing just to get all the images and ideas out of our heads in some semblance of order.
One thing that helps me is to read each sentence aloud, noting the rhythm and phrasing, the places it falls naturally to pause and breathe. If something sounds awkward or unnatural, I may try rewriting it several different ways--splitting up longer sentences, rearranging words, experimenting on innocent punctuation marks--until I find the flow that feels best. Sometimes I'll find simpler word choices or whole phrases I can trim without losing meaning.
I know that's not a specific critique, really, just something I thought to mention in case anyone else finds it useful. I'm glad this story is here, and I would be glad to read it again if it has not yet reached its Final Form.
I've been in those seats: aisle at one end, wall at the other, and a conveniently placed pillar in front of my seat, obscuring 1/3 of the stage. That's a thing.
My first impression here was that things took a while to get started. Agree with others above that this could use some judicious trimming, especially in the beginning. You could cut a few of the hints at Rarity's annoyance and I think readers would still get it. As it is, I felt like Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, wouldn't take quite so long to pick up on her friend's anger and ask about it directly. I do like the realistic tension in the first scene: characters trying (badly) to communicate and still maintain some public decorum while navigating to their seats.
There are a few bits that felt out of place, or I didn't quite understand them. Rarity's remark about Foppish Dandy's sexuality was one. The remark and Twilight's reaction both seemed very--well, human. I wasn't sure if Twilight meant it's not nice to call someone gay, or to gossip about their sexuality, or to use it for jokes about their sense of fashion. If this is important to the story, it could use a little more in-world context, I think. If it's an offhand joke moment, it's throwing me off as written. The other line I didn't get was the "discretion" thing.
Anyway: that escalated quickly. I didn't expect their night to turn out this way--I'm sure they didn't either--and the escalation was presented in an amusing fashion. Drunk!Twi and Rarity are fun, and Luna's arrival is a brilliant and funny way to wrap things up.
This is an interesting premise and a good set-up for some character exploration, and I think with some of the suggestions here, author, you could tighten it up into something pretty great.
My first impression here was that things took a while to get started. Agree with others above that this could use some judicious trimming, especially in the beginning. You could cut a few of the hints at Rarity's annoyance and I think readers would still get it. As it is, I felt like Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, wouldn't take quite so long to pick up on her friend's anger and ask about it directly. I do like the realistic tension in the first scene: characters trying (badly) to communicate and still maintain some public decorum while navigating to their seats.
There are a few bits that felt out of place, or I didn't quite understand them. Rarity's remark about Foppish Dandy's sexuality was one. The remark and Twilight's reaction both seemed very--well, human. I wasn't sure if Twilight meant it's not nice to call someone gay, or to gossip about their sexuality, or to use it for jokes about their sense of fashion. If this is important to the story, it could use a little more in-world context, I think. If it's an offhand joke moment, it's throwing me off as written. The other line I didn't get was the "discretion" thing.
Anyway: that escalated quickly. I didn't expect their night to turn out this way--I'm sure they didn't either--and the escalation was presented in an amusing fashion. Drunk!Twi and Rarity are fun, and Luna's arrival is a brilliant and funny way to wrap things up.
This is an interesting premise and a good set-up for some character exploration, and I think with some of the suggestions here, author, you could tighten it up into something pretty great.
Congratulations to all the finalists! And much appreciation for everyone providing so much thoughtful feedback on all these stories.
I read my slate and a few more, but fell behind on commenting. Though I'd have liked to offer critique before any author names were revealed, I hope it's okay to continue responding post-prelims to some of the stories that didn't make finals. /n00b
I read my slate and a few more, but fell behind on commenting. Though I'd have liked to offer critique before any author names were revealed, I hope it's okay to continue responding post-prelims to some of the stories that didn't make finals. /n00b
Even as a first draft, this is all kinds of painful and powerful for me. The emotions are all there, and I think the story's execution serves the idea well. I like the gradual reveal using chronological skipping about, although in places I did have a hard time following the sequence of events. There was some confusion for me (in just a couple of places) about who was speaking or being spoken to, but perhaps that confusion is part of the story.
I get that from this work as a whole--a sense that I mostly understand what's going on, and that the parts I don't understand may become clearer if I meditate on them a while. I'm okay with that, but I would also love to see this expanded if there are things the author didn't get to include in the original draft.
The one thing that bothered me has to do with the ending. Specifically, that Twilight's brief breakthrough with Glitter is the last we see of her. I understand why Glitter would run away, and that this is really more Glitter's story than Twilight's. I get that she's experiencing a moment of great enlightenment and, I think, of letting go. But when Twilight finally addresses her, it's a literal cry for help that she makes with what seems like tremendous effort. It's "I'm still here, I'm still me, please stay with me." And then she's left alone under the Bodhi Tree, and I just hurt for her, and it feels unresolved. Maybe it's meant to feel that way. I jUST NEED TO KNOW SMART PONY IS OKAY, OKAY? (just kidding maybe but seriously though.)
Thank you, author. You made me care about this story and these characters, enough that I feel invested in their well-being. Whatever you decide to do with them now, that is a job well done.
I get that from this work as a whole--a sense that I mostly understand what's going on, and that the parts I don't understand may become clearer if I meditate on them a while. I'm okay with that, but I would also love to see this expanded if there are things the author didn't get to include in the original draft.
The one thing that bothered me has to do with the ending. Specifically, that Twilight's brief breakthrough with Glitter is the last we see of her. I understand why Glitter would run away, and that this is really more Glitter's story than Twilight's. I get that she's experiencing a moment of great enlightenment and, I think, of letting go. But when Twilight finally addresses her, it's a literal cry for help that she makes with what seems like tremendous effort. It's "I'm still here, I'm still me, please stay with me." And then she's left alone under the Bodhi Tree, and I just hurt for her, and it feels unresolved. Maybe it's meant to feel that way. I jUST NEED TO KNOW SMART PONY IS OKAY, OKAY? (just kidding maybe but seriously though.)
Thank you, author. You made me care about this story and these characters, enough that I feel invested in their well-being. Whatever you decide to do with them now, that is a job well done.
I had a decent idea, but it came with a nasty cold. It's not looking good for the home team.
>>RawCringe
What a fascinating interpretation! Thank you. You win the RAWCRINGE AWARD! You are the rawest cringe! (yay.)
>>regidar
>>Dolfeus Doseux
>>Bremen
>>thisisalongname
Thank you all for the feedback.
So first off, "floated" was...a terrible choice of words for that last scene. 3:00 PM Friday Willow knows this. 3:00 AM Sunday Willow was not in her right mind. Up to that point I was trying to convey that Pinkie at least might believe Shea was a ghost, and everything after should have indicated she was not. Shea is a real living person, a human like Pinkie. This weird, obtuse story seemed like a better fit for the human world for several reasons, but my capacity to be wrong is without bounds. I thought about reasons against it too, and I'd be interested to hear other opinions.
At first this was going to be a ghost story played straight. Pinkie meets a ghost girl and helps her move on. I couldn't work out exactly how to tell that story. I thought of having Pinkie prove that a grisly campus urban legend was really just an accident obscured by a prank. Or that someone believed to have killed herself didn't. Maybe one of those stories would have been better, but they felt just a little too raw for me at this time. Death is definitely informing my writing of late, and I am sorry if the specifics of this story caused anyone else pain.
>>thisisalongname
That's fairly accurate, actually (though, aside, she's up on a ridge as opposed to under a bridge.)
The core of this story really is about mental illness, and trauma, and survivor's guilt. They do say you should write what you know, but I guess that doesn't translate easily to humanized pastel ponies. It can translate *well,* I know, because I've seen plenty of authors do it here. I continue to be too ambitious for my ponytailed britches. After about 500 words I realized I wasn't going to do justice to the story I was trying to tell. Maybe with more words, but maybe not. There's a lot of information I failed to provide here, and I wish I'd fit more of it in, though I don't know how much it would have helped.
Pinkie Pie is a freshman at Canterlot High. It's her first year in public school after being homeschooled with her sisters. Pinkie Pie has panic attacks. She's also an extreme version of what some call an empath, the manifestation of her magic in this world. She is hypersensitive to the moods and feelings of the people around her, often overwhelmingly so. She feels responsible for them and has trouble sorting out other people's feelings from her own, which are more than enough to manage. High school is a challenge.
So yeah, sometimes she goes up on a mountain ridge and laughs and screams and cries. It's an emotional release removed from other people she'd otherwise worry about disturbing or being judged by. Or just worry about, like always. For Pinkie Pie, I imagined this playing out as unrestrained laughter at all the absurdity of the world, which she can't quite separate from the underlying sadness.
And then: panic attack! Out of nowhere, 'cause that's how they roll. But her panic here comes with emotional baggage. Some is her own unaddressed pain, but the rest is a powerful grief from someone nearby. There's not really anything supernatural about it, just Pinkie's preternatural empathy, but she doesn't know that. It just makes it easier for her to sympathize and go along with Shea's story. Her "angst" was intended to be a significant factor.
Shea gave me even more trouble, obviously. I realize her tale is implausible to say the least. I hoped it wasn't entirely beyond the suspension of disbelief. Maybe with a better execution. Shea and her friend Amaranth went up the ridge a few days earlier. The ledge they were standing on gave way. Shea got away and Amaranth didn't--I'm thinking they were holding hands until Amaranth began to fall. Shea could let go or fall too, but never had a chance to save her friend. She still thinks it's her fault.
Shea is very much an unreliable narrator, of course. Maybe too much. I didn't delve far into her history, but she wasn't entirely stable even before the accident. Afterward, she has PTSD with extreme dissociation and delusion. She describes going through her version of the accident over and over, because that's what she's been doing. It's easier for her to construct and believe a different story than to face the truth. So she's been "haunting" the ridge. She looks thin and pale because she hasn't had anything to eat or drink and is pretty near death her ownself.
...And when the explanation starts getting longer than the story, you know it probably wasn't right for a minific. I can't say I regret writing this, because I need all the practice I can get. Still, I almost gave up on writing anything around midnight Saturday, and even after posting I almost deleted it when I realized what I had wrought. But so it goes. Thanks again for your reading and responses, and for this opportunity.
What a fascinating interpretation! Thank you. You win the RAWCRINGE AWARD! You are the rawest cringe! (yay.)
>>regidar
>>Dolfeus Doseux
>>Bremen
>>thisisalongname
Thank you all for the feedback.
So first off, "floated" was...a terrible choice of words for that last scene. 3:00 PM Friday Willow knows this. 3:00 AM Sunday Willow was not in her right mind. Up to that point I was trying to convey that Pinkie at least might believe Shea was a ghost, and everything after should have indicated she was not. Shea is a real living person, a human like Pinkie. This weird, obtuse story seemed like a better fit for the human world for several reasons, but my capacity to be wrong is without bounds. I thought about reasons against it too, and I'd be interested to hear other opinions.
At first this was going to be a ghost story played straight. Pinkie meets a ghost girl and helps her move on. I couldn't work out exactly how to tell that story. I thought of having Pinkie prove that a grisly campus urban legend was really just an accident obscured by a prank. Or that someone believed to have killed herself didn't. Maybe one of those stories would have been better, but they felt just a little too raw for me at this time. Death is definitely informing my writing of late, and I am sorry if the specifics of this story caused anyone else pain.
>>thisisalongname
I had to reread the intro five times to figure out if Pinkie had tears out of hidden pain or from laughter, and I still am not sure as going under a bridge just to laugh because others shush you sounds very sad and the signs of a mental disorder.
That's fairly accurate, actually (though, aside, she's up on a ridge as opposed to under a bridge.)
The core of this story really is about mental illness, and trauma, and survivor's guilt. They do say you should write what you know, but I guess that doesn't translate easily to humanized pastel ponies. It can translate *well,* I know, because I've seen plenty of authors do it here. I continue to be too ambitious for my ponytailed britches. After about 500 words I realized I wasn't going to do justice to the story I was trying to tell. Maybe with more words, but maybe not. There's a lot of information I failed to provide here, and I wish I'd fit more of it in, though I don't know how much it would have helped.
Pinkie Pie is a freshman at Canterlot High. It's her first year in public school after being homeschooled with her sisters. Pinkie Pie has panic attacks. She's also an extreme version of what some call an empath, the manifestation of her magic in this world. She is hypersensitive to the moods and feelings of the people around her, often overwhelmingly so. She feels responsible for them and has trouble sorting out other people's feelings from her own, which are more than enough to manage. High school is a challenge.
So yeah, sometimes she goes up on a mountain ridge and laughs and screams and cries. It's an emotional release removed from other people she'd otherwise worry about disturbing or being judged by. Or just worry about, like always. For Pinkie Pie, I imagined this playing out as unrestrained laughter at all the absurdity of the world, which she can't quite separate from the underlying sadness.
And then: panic attack! Out of nowhere, 'cause that's how they roll. But her panic here comes with emotional baggage. Some is her own unaddressed pain, but the rest is a powerful grief from someone nearby. There's not really anything supernatural about it, just Pinkie's preternatural empathy, but she doesn't know that. It just makes it easier for her to sympathize and go along with Shea's story. Her "angst" was intended to be a significant factor.
Shea gave me even more trouble, obviously. I realize her tale is implausible to say the least. I hoped it wasn't entirely beyond the suspension of disbelief. Maybe with a better execution. Shea and her friend Amaranth went up the ridge a few days earlier. The ledge they were standing on gave way. Shea got away and Amaranth didn't--I'm thinking they were holding hands until Amaranth began to fall. Shea could let go or fall too, but never had a chance to save her friend. She still thinks it's her fault.
Shea is very much an unreliable narrator, of course. Maybe too much. I didn't delve far into her history, but she wasn't entirely stable even before the accident. Afterward, she has PTSD with extreme dissociation and delusion. She describes going through her version of the accident over and over, because that's what she's been doing. It's easier for her to construct and believe a different story than to face the truth. So she's been "haunting" the ridge. She looks thin and pale because she hasn't had anything to eat or drink and is pretty near death her ownself.
...And when the explanation starts getting longer than the story, you know it probably wasn't right for a minific. I can't say I regret writing this, because I need all the practice I can get. Still, I almost gave up on writing anything around midnight Saturday, and even after posting I almost deleted it when I realized what I had wrought. But so it goes. Thanks again for your reading and responses, and for this opportunity.
This was a poignant read for me. Though the exchange between Twilight and Luna is tentative and subdued, there's a powerful heartbeat underlying each word, and the emotions ring true. There's a certain restraint to the writing, but it's well-crafted and evocative.
I gather readers are meant to draw their own conclusions about the source of this shared grief. That doesn't work for everyone all the time, but it worked for me here.
I gather readers are meant to draw their own conclusions about the source of this shared grief. That doesn't work for everyone all the time, but it worked for me here.
I have perhaps a slightly different perspective from >>horizon on the way some of these end. Some are more "telly" than "showy," but for me the contrast doesn't necessarily detract from the poems. I wondered if it was intentional, since (sorry if this is common knowledge) traditionally the last line of a haiku can serve to illuminate or change the meaning of the preceding two. In turn, the first lines often do sort of support/set up the third. One of the best examples here is #12.
Granted, the other quoted examples don't pull it off as smoothly. Uneven quality is a valid criticism, and certainly some of these could be improved to shine as brightly as the gems that are already here. I'd love to see the results if they are. As it is, I have too many favorites to list. Thank you for this entry.
Granted, the other quoted examples don't pull it off as smoothly. Uneven quality is a valid criticism, and certainly some of these could be improved to shine as brightly as the gems that are already here. I'd love to see the results if they are. As it is, I have too many favorites to list. Thank you for this entry.
I appreciate that this exists, and I admire the care and effort that went into creating it. To fully enjoy the cryptography, I believe I would have to copy it out by hand and puzzle through it that way. To fully understand and appreciate the poem itself, I would have to read a clean copy without the puzzle. It's an interesting exercise. It's cleverly constructed, though at times I found certain word choices broke the flow of my reading almost as much as the coded letters.
Mostly what get from this is the overarching tone of remorse and sorrow. That comes through even in a broken reading. This is the first entry on my slate and I may or may not abstain on it, as I can't give it the full attention it requires yet. Thanks for writing, author.
Mostly what get from this is the overarching tone of remorse and sorrow. That comes through even in a broken reading. This is the first entry on my slate and I may or may not abstain on it, as I can't give it the full attention it requires yet. Thanks for writing, author.
>>Xepher
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to say something similar but that's pretty much it. ^ I don't mind seeing plots I've seen before if there's something else about the story that makes it worth reading.
Thank you, I was trying to find a way to say something similar but that's pretty much it. ^ I don't mind seeing plots I've seen before if there's something else about the story that makes it worth reading.
>>Xepher
>>FloydienSlip
>>tPg
>>Kritten
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Monokeras
Thanks, everyone, for reading and responding. I apologize for any difficulty getting through, or disappointment in, this very incomplete story. This is my second Writeoff entry, and if I'm establishing a pattern here it seems to be:
1. I have a (vague) idea.
2. The idea has me.
3. We chase each other around until the deadline.
4. I frantically post whatever I've managed to put together.
I didn't *mean* to take the prompt literally. But my attempts at fiction have been few and far between, and usually it's a slow and deliberate process for me. Writing to a prompt with a deadline is pretty new. My rusty chops definitely can't keep up with my imagination. I haven't even finished a retrospective for my first story, Violets, from the last round.
Like that story, this one has too much big stuff going on, and I wasn't successful at narrowing the focus enough to capture anything really substantial about it. I tried to find one thing to concentrate on (the sisters' relationship and their feelings about the situation) but didn't manage to describe just what's happening to them. My idea was that this is something that *has* to be done, and more than once--and there are some people who can do it and some who can't, but not necessarily One Chosen Person to make the sacrifice. And that it's more than superstition, though some things--like exactly what happens to the people who go through it--remain unknown.
>>Not_A_Hat commented on the stylistic weirdness. Some of that has to do with a shift early in the story from more of a narrative prose poem style to almost entirely dialogue. I thought there would be too much "telling" involved in the former, but unfortunately the talking didn't reveal enough about their circumstances, either.
And some of it involves leaving things to come back to, then running out of time (submitted this with 0:02:44 to spare; again, not intentional.) In the paragraph in question (volcanic islands etc.) I actually *lost* a line break and a couple of sentences before the "I grasp and fail" while submitting to the site, which makes the whole thing even more opaque. I'll see if I can at least explain what I was *trying* to get at.
A look in Gloriana's eyes can be enough to end a conversation between the two. I didn't manage to build around these metaphors enough to make them clear, and maybe I was mixing too much, but I had in mind the visual similarity between the pupils of the eye and the periods of a sentence. Jude also compares her eyes to blue water with volcanic islands at the center--something dark with a fiery heart, surrounded by unfathomable depths. And then there should have been a couple of lines about Jude trying to find words to continue the conversation and failing, as she often does. I guess I accidentally deleted something at...the last minute.
But you're right about the style not really jiving with the story it needs to tell, which is why I awkwardly abandoned it before long. I may revisit this when some of the ideas have better melded, but either way all your feedback has given me some valuable insights for future writing.
>>FloydienSlip
>>tPg
>>Kritten
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Monokeras
Thanks, everyone, for reading and responding. I apologize for any difficulty getting through, or disappointment in, this very incomplete story. This is my second Writeoff entry, and if I'm establishing a pattern here it seems to be:
1. I have a (vague) idea.
2. The idea has me.
3. We chase each other around until the deadline.
4. I frantically post whatever I've managed to put together.
I didn't *mean* to take the prompt literally. But my attempts at fiction have been few and far between, and usually it's a slow and deliberate process for me. Writing to a prompt with a deadline is pretty new. My rusty chops definitely can't keep up with my imagination. I haven't even finished a retrospective for my first story, Violets, from the last round.
Like that story, this one has too much big stuff going on, and I wasn't successful at narrowing the focus enough to capture anything really substantial about it. I tried to find one thing to concentrate on (the sisters' relationship and their feelings about the situation) but didn't manage to describe just what's happening to them. My idea was that this is something that *has* to be done, and more than once--and there are some people who can do it and some who can't, but not necessarily One Chosen Person to make the sacrifice. And that it's more than superstition, though some things--like exactly what happens to the people who go through it--remain unknown.
>>Not_A_Hat commented on the stylistic weirdness. Some of that has to do with a shift early in the story from more of a narrative prose poem style to almost entirely dialogue. I thought there would be too much "telling" involved in the former, but unfortunately the talking didn't reveal enough about their circumstances, either.
And some of it involves leaving things to come back to, then running out of time (submitted this with 0:02:44 to spare; again, not intentional.) In the paragraph in question (volcanic islands etc.) I actually *lost* a line break and a couple of sentences before the "I grasp and fail" while submitting to the site, which makes the whole thing even more opaque. I'll see if I can at least explain what I was *trying* to get at.
A look in Gloriana's eyes can be enough to end a conversation between the two. I didn't manage to build around these metaphors enough to make them clear, and maybe I was mixing too much, but I had in mind the visual similarity between the pupils of the eye and the periods of a sentence. Jude also compares her eyes to blue water with volcanic islands at the center--something dark with a fiery heart, surrounded by unfathomable depths. And then there should have been a couple of lines about Jude trying to find words to continue the conversation and failing, as she often does. I guess I accidentally deleted something at...the last minute.
But you're right about the style not really jiving with the story it needs to tell, which is why I awkwardly abandoned it before long. I may revisit this when some of the ideas have better melded, but either way all your feedback has given me some valuable insights for future writing.
I think I've got this. It could use some proofreading, and I'm not sure about all the stylistic choices--it's hard to tell dialogue from narration in some places, for example. But I'm impressed by the originality of the plot.
The opening tension is strong, with one character being chastised by another for somehow ruining the party's new weapons while camped at a vital save point in the south half of the dungeon. Now they'll have to run into the boss battle tonight and end the Dancing Goat's reign of terror with their bare hands.
There's some comedy as the speaker tries to get the attention of the rest of the party as they eat grapes and set up shelter for the night (stirring up a nest of metallic mechanical rats in the process. Eek!) I don't know if the section about the shelves was entirely necessary, and I don't know how or why the merchant/horseflesh buyer would have those supplies with them.
It's not a big deal, though, because the next sequence with the party surfing in on wise old turtles is truly epic. I like that the canid shifter chose to do her own thing and run free, but had to deal with the consequences of hitting a patch of nettles.
I might get some static on this, but I think the giraffes are symbolic. And I guess the whole Dancing Goat thing was just a team building exercise?
I started getting overwhelmed at this point, unfortunately. There's just a little too much going on here for a minific.
The opening tension is strong, with one character being chastised by another for somehow ruining the party's new weapons while camped at a vital save point in the south half of the dungeon. Now they'll have to run into the boss battle tonight and end the Dancing Goat's reign of terror with their bare hands.
There's some comedy as the speaker tries to get the attention of the rest of the party as they eat grapes and set up shelter for the night (stirring up a nest of metallic mechanical rats in the process. Eek!) I don't know if the section about the shelves was entirely necessary, and I don't know how or why the merchant/horseflesh buyer would have those supplies with them.
It's not a big deal, though, because the next sequence with the party surfing in on wise old turtles is truly epic. I like that the canid shifter chose to do her own thing and run free, but had to deal with the consequences of hitting a patch of nettles.
I might get some static on this, but I think the giraffes are symbolic. And I guess the whole Dancing Goat thing was just a team building exercise?
I started getting overwhelmed at this point, unfortunately. There's just a little too much going on here for a minific.
I gotta say it's a little weird that (even as mare-on-mare shipping is pretty standard in pony stories) a relationship between two (presumably) human women is called out for just existing.
Without much else going on in the narrative, I guess you might see the standard plot and think it's a "revolutionize instantly: just add same-sex relationship" gimmick. People do stuff like that, sure. But when characters depart from your expected default, their differences don't have to be a function of the plot or a political statement. Lesbians don't have to do Lesbian Things to justify their presence in a story. They can just be there. Unremarked on, even.
Without much else going on in the narrative, I guess you might see the standard plot and think it's a "revolutionize instantly: just add same-sex relationship" gimmick. People do stuff like that, sure. But when characters depart from your expected default, their differences don't have to be a function of the plot or a political statement. Lesbians don't have to do Lesbian Things to justify their presence in a story. They can just be there. Unremarked on, even.
>>Garzeel Naw, there's nothing about your style that took anything away from my enjoyment of the overall story. I really like many things about your writing, and I think the style suits the subjects and setting here. You did a good job with descriptive passages illustrating each scene. And I get the sense that you truly care about these characters, which helps me to care about them too! I *love* the paragraphs that describe Silver's laughter and voice and appearance when Palette first meets her. I found it one of the most beautiful and evocative passages among so many that I've read this round.
I'm working on refining my style, too, and trying to get better at editing myself. Lifelong struggle. :) I wish you the best in finding the voice that works best for you.
I'm working on refining my style, too, and trying to get better at editing myself. Lifelong struggle. :) I wish you the best in finding the voice that works best for you.
Paging WIP