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Confines of the First Law
Well, that's a decent beginning. Not dramatic, but interesting enough. (I'm seeing quite a lot of character interaction intros this round, come to think of it.) It hands out a fair bit of information about the girls and their situation naturally, and the voicing is fine.
Bit of a nitpick: You slip into past tense for a moment there.
Halfway through now. I'm impressed with the quality of the writing here. It's not showy, but it works. It communicates everything that it needs to communicate. I've before that slice-of-life stories rely on their characters. These characters work for me, in the trivial aspects of their life and their deeper concerns. Their depth emerges naturally from their interpersonal interactions, as it should.
I really like possible side effects bit. That's good prose, right there.
The ending verges on being twee and sentimental, but it's subtle enough that I can let it slide. You still might want to consider a different conclusion. Otherwise? We have people rendered with skill, insight and clarity. The theme works perfectly. Once again, I am jealous. This is sure to hold a place near the top of my slate.
Well, that's a decent beginning. Not dramatic, but interesting enough. (I'm seeing quite a lot of character interaction intros this round, come to think of it.) It hands out a fair bit of information about the girls and their situation naturally, and the voicing is fine.
Bit of a nitpick: You slip into past tense for a moment there.
Halfway through now. I'm impressed with the quality of the writing here. It's not showy, but it works. It communicates everything that it needs to communicate. I've before that slice-of-life stories rely on their characters. These characters work for me, in the trivial aspects of their life and their deeper concerns. Their depth emerges naturally from their interpersonal interactions, as it should.
I really like possible side effects bit. That's good prose, right there.
The ending verges on being twee and sentimental, but it's subtle enough that I can let it slide. You still might want to consider a different conclusion. Otherwise? We have people rendered with skill, insight and clarity. The theme works perfectly. Once again, I am jealous. This is sure to hold a place near the top of my slate.
Do you moonlight as a screenwriter for Lifetime Movies?
This was a great character piece, a nice compelling glimpse into the lives of three college girls that manages to make them feel like real people despite not showing much. It's really the small idiosyncrasies that paint a vivid portrait of each of them.
As far as complaints go, I guess I would have liked a bit more time to get to know each character on their own at the very beginning instead of geting introduced to the three of them simultaneously, though we get a nice set of interactions in exchange.
The ending does feel a bit subdued, but maybe it's appropriate for the tone of the story. Definitely one of the better entries I've read so far.
This was a great character piece, a nice compelling glimpse into the lives of three college girls that manages to make them feel like real people despite not showing much. It's really the small idiosyncrasies that paint a vivid portrait of each of them.
As far as complaints go, I guess I would have liked a bit more time to get to know each character on their own at the very beginning instead of geting introduced to the three of them simultaneously, though we get a nice set of interactions in exchange.
The ending does feel a bit subdued, but maybe it's appropriate for the tone of the story. Definitely one of the better entries I've read so far.
Eh, character sketches character sketches.
I mean, I don't dislike them, you know? But it's not exactly what I'd call compelling.
You've done a great job of layering some of your subtexts here. The bit with her family and what that means to her; good stuff with that.
Solid prose and decent storytelling. Wish it had more weight to me.
I have no idea what your title means.
I mean, I don't dislike them, you know? But it's not exactly what I'd call compelling.
You've done a great job of layering some of your subtexts here. The bit with her family and what that means to her; good stuff with that.
Solid prose and decent storytelling. Wish it had more weight to me.
I have no idea what your title means.
>>Not_A_Hat
My guess is that the story takes place in the near future and half of the characters are robots but they don't know who is who, so they all take care of each other.
I have no idea what your title means.
My guess is that the story takes place in the near future and half of the characters are robots but they don't know who is who, so they all take care of each other.
>>ZaidValRoa I did consider it being robotics. It would fit with the 'healthy family programming' bit, since the first law is 'can't harm a human or allow them to come to harm'. I didn't really feel there was much evidence to support that, though. It's... more than a bit of a stretch, honestly.
I kinda like your interpretation better. :P
I kinda like your interpretation better. :P
Not a lot of actual plot here, but the character stuff is really strong. It's a great look into that particular phase of adolescences in college, on the cusp of adulthood but not really there yet, still figuring out the path and purpose and how to make these decisions on your own.
It all feels very familiar, the kind of struggles and conversations I've had with my own friends and family in years past.
It all feels very familiar, the kind of struggles and conversations I've had with my own friends and family in years past.
This is gonna medal, and it's gonna deserve it.
Slice of Life stories, as we call 'em around FIMFic, live or die on their character portrayals, and on whether or not they can draw us into the conflicts despite the low stakes. This grounds itself in a lot of well-chosen details -- most notably the gynecological experiences, and the constellation of worries accompanying medication, and the way that ties into the family history -- that really bring the characters to life. Another factor, I think, is that the characters are dealing with problems that (while ultimately small) are messy in the way that real life is. A third thing I appreciated here was the small and subtle things this reinforces through repetition, like the narrator's asides about their role in the relationship talks.
I would have liked to see a more concrete focus to the story, and a less hanging ending, but those are really preferences rather than problems. I just can't think of anything this does wrong. Well done.
Tier: Top Contender
Slice of Life stories, as we call 'em around FIMFic, live or die on their character portrayals, and on whether or not they can draw us into the conflicts despite the low stakes. This grounds itself in a lot of well-chosen details -- most notably the gynecological experiences, and the constellation of worries accompanying medication, and the way that ties into the family history -- that really bring the characters to life. Another factor, I think, is that the characters are dealing with problems that (while ultimately small) are messy in the way that real life is. A third thing I appreciated here was the small and subtle things this reinforces through repetition, like the narrator's asides about their role in the relationship talks.
I would have liked to see a more concrete focus to the story, and a less hanging ending, but those are really preferences rather than problems. I just can't think of anything this does wrong. Well done.
Tier: Top Contender
>>ZaidValRoa >>Not_A_Hat
It's not Asimov's first law, it's Newton's first law: An object in motion will stay in motion, and an object at rest will stay at rest, unless acted upon by an external force. That ties very neatly in with the themes throughout, of the ways that we intervene in each other's lives and the ways we react when forces act upon us from outside.
It's not Asimov's first law, it's Newton's first law: An object in motion will stay in motion, and an object at rest will stay at rest, unless acted upon by an external force. That ties very neatly in with the themes throughout, of the ways that we intervene in each other's lives and the ways we react when forces act upon us from outside.
>>Cold in Gardez
I guess that depends if one would rather win, or get useful feedback on how the subtlety worked.
I guess that depends if one would rather win, or get useful feedback on how the subtlety worked.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Cassius
>>Haze
I guess I should further explain my disdain for this sort of "Don't Be Subtle" comment. The write-off is an opportunity to be creative and try out new things that you are personally interested in with the added benefit of having some high-powered feedback given by people who are also passionate about writing. Discouraging that sort of creativity and risk by loosely implying that those ideas are unable to succeed I think is not only against the spirit of the Write Off itself, but also encouraging writers to think less of the audience's intellect and disregard the feedback they give.
I understand that none of us are story-telling experts or professional critics, but as far as the pony community / general population is concerned, a lot of us are leagues ahead in terms of experience. When we as a whole have trouble understanding the principle and basic ideas that construct a story, it is not often because we were just too dense to pick up on the message. The Hemingway's Iceberg is only useful if it manages to crack the surface. Just because sometimes it never becomes visible to the reader in a certain instance or story and fails to score well with readers, it doesn't mean that the principle can simply be thrown out or that subtlety is a component of stories needing to be excised in order to succeed.
Writing a subtle story is definitely more difficult and being able to inform the audience of the significance or meaning of events without being overtly direct is a writing talent. I think recognizing that difficulty and being unfazed when confronted with a lukewarm reception is more important than how it will score. Additionally, I think that a well-executed, subtle story is perfectly capable of being competitive. Don't be afraid to be ambitious.
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Cassius
>>Haze
I guess I should further explain my disdain for this sort of "Don't Be Subtle" comment. The write-off is an opportunity to be creative and try out new things that you are personally interested in with the added benefit of having some high-powered feedback given by people who are also passionate about writing. Discouraging that sort of creativity and risk by loosely implying that those ideas are unable to succeed I think is not only against the spirit of the Write Off itself, but also encouraging writers to think less of the audience's intellect and disregard the feedback they give.
I understand that none of us are story-telling experts or professional critics, but as far as the pony community / general population is concerned, a lot of us are leagues ahead in terms of experience. When we as a whole have trouble understanding the principle and basic ideas that construct a story, it is not often because we were just too dense to pick up on the message. The Hemingway's Iceberg is only useful if it manages to crack the surface. Just because sometimes it never becomes visible to the reader in a certain instance or story and fails to score well with readers, it doesn't mean that the principle can simply be thrown out or that subtlety is a component of stories needing to be excised in order to succeed.
Writing a subtle story is definitely more difficult and being able to inform the audience of the significance or meaning of events without being overtly direct is a writing talent. I think recognizing that difficulty and being unfazed when confronted with a lukewarm reception is more important than how it will score. Additionally, I think that a well-executed, subtle story is perfectly capable of being competitive. Don't be afraid to be ambitious.
I have some time to kill this morning so I ended up reading that. Don’t ask me why, I’ll pretend I don’t know.
Oh, of course I apologise. All that I’m able to report on is nitpicking. I bail out as non-native for the rest.
---
absently fiddling twice in the first scene. You like that turn of phrase, don’t you? :P
Of course it's Newton first law, the law of inertia. But pay attention: something's wrong with the physics you hint at. Gravity times height? That's speed. Mass time acceleration, that's force. Not homogeneous.
Some garbage here: “It’ll be close to both our parents, too,” she says, and I can almost see the future she’s imaginin, hanging in the shadows us.
Wow Is it really too much to ask to want to spend time with him? So many tos :P
far to little and insignificant to warrant – you lack a 'o' here ;)
Okay – let's get to the brass tacks:
• Fiancée is for a girl (final e). The masculine, what you want here, is simply fiancé ;
• Sasha, as Nikita, is a boy name in Russian (it's actually Alexander). Yeah, it ends up in -a, and Elton John had it wrong as well, but it is, nonetheless.
Otherwise, great work. Thanks for adding a lot of words to my notebook, on which I don't draw sketches, but I keep trace of new words I can later rote memorise. My only way to improve my English :(
Oh, of course I apologise. All that I’m able to report on is nitpicking. I bail out as non-native for the rest.
---
absently fiddling twice in the first scene. You like that turn of phrase, don’t you? :P
Of course it's Newton first law, the law of inertia. But pay attention: something's wrong with the physics you hint at. Gravity times height? That's speed. Mass time acceleration, that's force. Not homogeneous.
Some garbage here: “It’ll be close to both our parents, too,” she says, and I can almost see the future she’s imaginin, hanging in the shadows us.
Wow Is it really too much to ask to want to spend time with him? So many tos :P
far to little and insignificant to warrant – you lack a 'o' here ;)
Okay – let's get to the brass tacks:
• Fiancée is for a girl (final e). The masculine, what you want here, is simply fiancé ;
• Sasha, as Nikita, is a boy name in Russian (it's actually Alexander). Yeah, it ends up in -a, and Elton John had it wrong as well, but it is, nonetheless.
Otherwise, great work. Thanks for adding a lot of words to my notebook, on which I don't draw sketches, but I keep trace of new words I can later rote memorise. My only way to improve my English :(
>>Cassius
>>Haze
>>Cold in Gardez
I basically agree with Cassius. I mean, I say 'subtlety is dangerous', instead of advising against it, because I think it's is a high-risk high-reward proposition. Done right, it's very rewarding. Lean on it too much, or don't calibrate it correctly against your audience, and all that work is lost energy.
I also think it's a step that every writer needs to take at some point. One of the principles that I base my 'theory of writing' on is: "The more indirectly something can be communicated, the more strongly it will be felt." Of course, this is dependent on the communication actually making it through in the first place, which is where the danger comes in.
And hey, say what you will of show/tell, but the idea behind it is about subtlety. So... I think these risks need to be taken in order to push a 'good' or 'decent' story into 'great' territory.
I'm a bit of a bad reader in this respect, I think, because I want stories to be subtle, but I'm actually not a very insightful in many ways. I hope I'm not too frustrating to people in my reviews. :P
>>Haze
>>Cold in Gardez
I basically agree with Cassius. I mean, I say 'subtlety is dangerous', instead of advising against it, because I think it's is a high-risk high-reward proposition. Done right, it's very rewarding. Lean on it too much, or don't calibrate it correctly against your audience, and all that work is lost energy.
I also think it's a step that every writer needs to take at some point. One of the principles that I base my 'theory of writing' on is: "The more indirectly something can be communicated, the more strongly it will be felt." Of course, this is dependent on the communication actually making it through in the first place, which is where the danger comes in.
And hey, say what you will of show/tell, but the idea behind it is about subtlety. So... I think these risks need to be taken in order to push a 'good' or 'decent' story into 'great' territory.
I'm a bit of a bad reader in this respect, I think, because I want stories to be subtle, but I'm actually not a very insightful in many ways. I hope I'm not too frustrating to people in my reviews. :P
Was it being particularly subtle? I mean, it mentions the wording of Newton's First Law, like, five times:
- although, yes, you have to know Newton's First Law before you can pick it up, and it's not exactly common knowledge ^^ I guess it's just one of those niggling semi-unsolvable things: if you don't bald-facedly mention the First Law in the text, then anyone who doesn't know it can't appreciate the references; if you do, it feels like you're shoving up a big flashing sign going "Look! Look! Look how clever I am! Look at it!"
I dunno.
In any case, a lovely low-key read. I really can't say anything else.
It will remain motionless unless acted upon by an outside force. So long as the force of my hand balances out the force of gravitational acceleration, it will exist in equilibrium.
I don’t stop. I can’t stop. I have to keep moving, keep running, and maybe if I run long enough today I’ll stay running. I’ll stay in motion, and then Klarissa won’t have killed my equilibrium but shifted it.
The force of their equilibrium is too strong, and Carmen won’t allow any outside doubts to tarnish the dream of home she’s chasing.
She beams at me, then, and maybe it’s a silly presumption, but I can’t help but feel like her motion has changed, like she’s finally realized she can't follow the road to her dreams if she’s surrounded herself with a wall of her parents’ expectations.
Maybe all she needed was an outside force.
I shake my head as equilibrium reasserts itself.
- although, yes, you have to know Newton's First Law before you can pick it up, and it's not exactly common knowledge ^^ I guess it's just one of those niggling semi-unsolvable things: if you don't bald-facedly mention the First Law in the text, then anyone who doesn't know it can't appreciate the references; if you do, it feels like you're shoving up a big flashing sign going "Look! Look! Look how clever I am! Look at it!"
I dunno.
In any case, a lovely low-key read. I really can't say anything else.
>>MonarchDodora
I am of the opinion that this subtlety in that you don't have to know anything about Newton's First Law to understand the contents of what is being overtly said, but there is a subtext connecting those descriptions together.
I am of the opinion that this subtlety in that you don't have to know anything about Newton's First Law to understand the contents of what is being overtly said, but there is a subtext connecting those descriptions together.
I have an entire story about the time I learned my special talent was procrastination, but it's fairly irrelevant and I only have ten minutes before class starts so I'd just like to instead thank you all for your thoughts on Confines.
This thing is rife with tense changes, spelling errors, word garbage (sorry, Mono)--and just generally looks like it was written in the span of, like, six hours. Because it was.
I was kind of really busy during the writing period: in addition to the poem and Confines, I had six academic articles to read/annotate, four psychology essays to write, a book report to submit, and the final finishing touches to put on an academic article of mine that was recently accepted to a conference. (Plus my roommate had her 21st birthday party that Saturday).
Congrats to the medalists for their lovely stories, and a good job all around. As usual, y'alls prowess with the written word is simultaneously awe-inspiring and intimidating.
This thing is rife with tense changes, spelling errors, word garbage (sorry, Mono)--and just generally looks like it was written in the span of, like, six hours. Because it was.
I was kind of really busy during the writing period: in addition to the poem and Confines, I had six academic articles to read/annotate, four psychology essays to write, a book report to submit, and the final finishing touches to put on an academic article of mine that was recently accepted to a conference. (Plus my roommate had her 21st birthday party that Saturday).
Congrats to the medalists for their lovely stories, and a good job all around. As usual, y'alls prowess with the written word is simultaneously awe-inspiring and intimidating.
>>Fahrenheit
PTHTHTBHBTHTHBTBBBB.
six academic articles to read/annotate
four psychology essays to write
book report to submit
finishing touches to put on an academic article
(Plus my roommate had her 21st birthday party that Saturday)
Medal-winning story
Epic poem in addition
I have an entire story about the time I learned my special talent was procrastination
PTHTHTBHBTHTHBTBBBB.