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Roastbusters
“Well, they can’t all be tragic romance or terrible vengeance.” Claire shimmied over the top of the chain-link fence. Once on her feet again, she tugged at the jacket laid over the barbed wire, wincing at a tearing sound.
Anna stood on the other side of the fence, her arms crossed. “We agreed to help with unfinished business. Not unfinished sandwiches.”
“C’mon, haven’t you ever had a meal where everything’s just right? The lettuce is crisp and the meat is fresh and the cheese is exactly the right kind of piquant?“ Claire clasped a hand to her chest. “I feel for the guy.”
Anna stepped forward, the metal mesh of the fence passing right through her. “It’s been a long time since I’ve needed to eat.”
“All the more reason to understand the tragedy.”
Anna rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go. I don’t even know what you expect to find here.”
Claire dropped her voice to a whisper. “Me either, but it never hurts to check out the place of death.” The trainyard was silent, with unused subway cars looming up out of the dark on all sides.
Behind her, Anna blithely floated along, a few inches off the ground. “He died here?”
“Well, no, but he had a heart attack while driving one of these. Thankfully, no one else got hurt. They took the train out of service as standard policy.”
“I’m impressed by the detective work.”
“I just paid attention when he told us all this,” Claire said. “You’d be amazed how well that works.”
“Hmph.” Anna glanced away, and then pointed. “What about that?”
“About wh-- cheese and crackers!” Claire quickly backpedaled. “That’s a very large rodent.”
“Yep,” Anna said.
They watched as the rat scurried forward, into a discarded paper bag and right through the other side without disturbing it.
“That’s… a very large rodent ghost?” Claire said slowly.
“I’m following it!” Anna took off in hot pursuit.
Claire scrambled to keep up. Anna had a bad habit of going through obstacles rather than around them, and Claire had to be on watch to not accidentally walk face-first into the wall of a subway car. When they reached the locomotive at the end of one of the trains, the rat jumped right up through the door with Anna right behind.
By the time Claire figured out how to force the door open, she arrived to see Anna holding a squealing rat by the scruff of its neck.
“Seriously?”
Anna shrugged. “What, is it going to bite me?” The rat managed to flip around and do just that, and Anna cried out and dropped it. The rodent scuttled into a metal cabinet, out of sight.
More importantly, Claire noticed what else was in the locomotive, next to the levers that regulated its speed. There, on a white paper plate, sat one half of a sandwich: roast beef, mustard, swiss cheese, lettuce, and tomato, on rye bread. The sight alone made her mouth water.
“I can’t believe this is still here,” she said, reaching out to grab it. She frowned as she completely missed. On the third try, she realized that her hand was passing completely through.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Anna said. She floated over and easily grabbed it. “It’s… the ghost of a sandwich?”
Claire grinned. “I knew this would work out.”
Anna eyed the sandwich speculatively. “On second thought, maybe I do understand this guy. I’ve not had anything to eat in a decade or so. Maybe we just let me have this one, then you can go murder some other sandwich, and--”
“No can do,” Claire said firmly. “But… maybe we should spare just a bit of it.”
Anna’s eyes lit up. “Oooh.”
“Not for you. We help those with unfinished business, right? And there’s someone else who that applies to.”
It took a minute for Anna to realize the implications. “No.” Anna shook her head vigorously. “No way.”
Claire raised an eyebrow.
Anna let out an anguished groan. She grimaced and broke a piece of the sandwich off, setting it on the floor. As she floated back, the rat darted out of its hiding spot, snatching up the chunk in one big gulp. It froze in place, and then let out a supremely satisfied squeak.
As the rat glowed a faint white and faded out of existence, Claire and Anna shared a smile.
“You think there’s a rat heaven?” Anna mused.
Claire shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe it’s the same place as sandwich hell.”
Anna stood on the other side of the fence, her arms crossed. “We agreed to help with unfinished business. Not unfinished sandwiches.”
“C’mon, haven’t you ever had a meal where everything’s just right? The lettuce is crisp and the meat is fresh and the cheese is exactly the right kind of piquant?“ Claire clasped a hand to her chest. “I feel for the guy.”
Anna stepped forward, the metal mesh of the fence passing right through her. “It’s been a long time since I’ve needed to eat.”
“All the more reason to understand the tragedy.”
Anna rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go. I don’t even know what you expect to find here.”
Claire dropped her voice to a whisper. “Me either, but it never hurts to check out the place of death.” The trainyard was silent, with unused subway cars looming up out of the dark on all sides.
Behind her, Anna blithely floated along, a few inches off the ground. “He died here?”
“Well, no, but he had a heart attack while driving one of these. Thankfully, no one else got hurt. They took the train out of service as standard policy.”
“I’m impressed by the detective work.”
“I just paid attention when he told us all this,” Claire said. “You’d be amazed how well that works.”
“Hmph.” Anna glanced away, and then pointed. “What about that?”
“About wh-- cheese and crackers!” Claire quickly backpedaled. “That’s a very large rodent.”
“Yep,” Anna said.
They watched as the rat scurried forward, into a discarded paper bag and right through the other side without disturbing it.
“That’s… a very large rodent ghost?” Claire said slowly.
“I’m following it!” Anna took off in hot pursuit.
Claire scrambled to keep up. Anna had a bad habit of going through obstacles rather than around them, and Claire had to be on watch to not accidentally walk face-first into the wall of a subway car. When they reached the locomotive at the end of one of the trains, the rat jumped right up through the door with Anna right behind.
By the time Claire figured out how to force the door open, she arrived to see Anna holding a squealing rat by the scruff of its neck.
“Seriously?”
Anna shrugged. “What, is it going to bite me?” The rat managed to flip around and do just that, and Anna cried out and dropped it. The rodent scuttled into a metal cabinet, out of sight.
More importantly, Claire noticed what else was in the locomotive, next to the levers that regulated its speed. There, on a white paper plate, sat one half of a sandwich: roast beef, mustard, swiss cheese, lettuce, and tomato, on rye bread. The sight alone made her mouth water.
“I can’t believe this is still here,” she said, reaching out to grab it. She frowned as she completely missed. On the third try, she realized that her hand was passing completely through.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Anna said. She floated over and easily grabbed it. “It’s… the ghost of a sandwich?”
Claire grinned. “I knew this would work out.”
Anna eyed the sandwich speculatively. “On second thought, maybe I do understand this guy. I’ve not had anything to eat in a decade or so. Maybe we just let me have this one, then you can go murder some other sandwich, and--”
“No can do,” Claire said firmly. “But… maybe we should spare just a bit of it.”
Anna’s eyes lit up. “Oooh.”
“Not for you. We help those with unfinished business, right? And there’s someone else who that applies to.”
It took a minute for Anna to realize the implications. “No.” Anna shook her head vigorously. “No way.”
Claire raised an eyebrow.
Anna let out an anguished groan. She grimaced and broke a piece of the sandwich off, setting it on the floor. As she floated back, the rat darted out of its hiding spot, snatching up the chunk in one big gulp. It froze in place, and then let out a supremely satisfied squeak.
As the rat glowed a faint white and faded out of existence, Claire and Anna shared a smile.
“You think there’s a rat heaven?” Anna mused.
Claire shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe it’s the same place as sandwich hell.”
A little confusing to start with; I thought it might have been superheroes until I settled on the Ghost detective squad
Did a good job of filling in the details subtly and naturally. The characterization and dialog felt smooth. I liked the 'cheese and crackers' epithet. Your very large rat was a tragic ROUS missed opportunity, though.
I did feel like I never quote got the full picture of just why they were doing it. Who engaged them? Why can't the guy go looking for his own sandwich? They're lucky that the rat ghost hadn't eaten the sandwich already.
The last line made me laugh out loud.
While it didn't knock me out of the park, this was a solid and enjoyable fic.
Did a good job of filling in the details subtly and naturally. The characterization and dialog felt smooth. I liked the 'cheese and crackers' epithet. Your very large rat was a tragic ROUS missed opportunity, though.
I did feel like I never quote got the full picture of just why they were doing it. Who engaged them? Why can't the guy go looking for his own sandwich? They're lucky that the rat ghost hadn't eaten the sandwich already.
The last line made me laugh out loud.
While it didn't knock me out of the park, this was a solid and enjoyable fic.
In this episode of Roastbusters, Anna and Claire's newest case doesn't stand a ghost of a chance as our favourite super natural duo tackle the case of... The Starving Machinist!
Rated PG - Animal care, existentialism, trains.
I like it. Despite feeling like we missed the pilot episode where those two got together. Maybe a few important issues are left unanswered, but I guess we can blame the wordcount for that. I hope you flesh out this story a bit more at some point, I'd love to read more about their adventures. Maybe in a short story round?
Anyway, the story was well done, and effective within its limitations.
Rated PG - Animal care, existentialism, trains.
I like it. Despite feeling like we missed the pilot episode where those two got together. Maybe a few important issues are left unanswered, but I guess we can blame the wordcount for that. I hope you flesh out this story a bit more at some point, I'd love to read more about their adventures. Maybe in a short story round?
Anyway, the story was well done, and effective within its limitations.
Interesting delayed hook here: the first three paragraphs didn't grab me, but boom with the fourth.
Agreed with >>Ratlab that this has a steady and subtle hand on the exposition wheel. I'm not sure that it explains everything it should — the ghost of the rat and especially ghost of the sandwich raise some questions for me of the rules this operates under, and I think this suffers a titch in the emotional engagement department from never seeing the client on screen despite the central role they play — but this does what it sets out to do, tells a complete and self-consistent story in its space (no small thing), and I'm curious for more.
Tier: Solid
Agreed with >>Ratlab that this has a steady and subtle hand on the exposition wheel. I'm not sure that it explains everything it should — the ghost of the rat and especially ghost of the sandwich raise some questions for me of the rules this operates under, and I think this suffers a titch in the emotional engagement department from never seeing the client on screen despite the central role they play — but this does what it sets out to do, tells a complete and self-consistent story in its space (no small thing), and I'm curious for more.
Tier: Solid
Admittedly, I was taken aback by the plot, since I expected it to be about coffee or something of the same ilk.
Interesting take on the prompt, though I get this is hinting at the last Ghostbusters instalment I didn't watch — and don't have any intention to. The story leaves some open questions, though. I'm not sure I understood what they were looking for: the leftovers of the sandwich? Was it supposed to be poisoned? Otherwise, if the driver died of a heart attack, what unfinished business are both protagonists alluding to? Let's sum this up saying it reads more like a scene than a (very) short story.
But the introduction of the ghost rat and the ghost sandwich, as well as the mixed team was fun, and that, combined with a great execution, boosted up this fic right above my slate. Well done.
Interesting take on the prompt, though I get this is hinting at the last Ghostbusters instalment I didn't watch — and don't have any intention to. The story leaves some open questions, though. I'm not sure I understood what they were looking for: the leftovers of the sandwich? Was it supposed to be poisoned? Otherwise, if the driver died of a heart attack, what unfinished business are both protagonists alluding to? Let's sum this up saying it reads more like a scene than a (very) short story.
But the introduction of the ghost rat and the ghost sandwich, as well as the mixed team was fun, and that, combined with a great execution, boosted up this fic right above my slate. Well done.
Words I never thought I'd read too often #392: Piquant
A nice, enjoyable read, this. I think you manage to imply just about enough to not leave me questioning the setup, which is no mean feat given the word limit restrictions and the amount you've got going on here. I think some explanation as to the particular rules of this story's supernatural world would assist in giving the plot even greater clarity, though: Why, for instance, can the ghost of the driver who presumably tracked them down not go and retrieve his sandwich ghost himself? We can establish through Anna's interactions and nature that this would be feasible. It might also have been nice to see the client directly, but I don't feel that his absence weakens the fic. There's only so much you can fit in, and it feels pretty complete as it stands.
Not that I wouldn't read the pants off an expanded version, of course. Just saying.
Great stuff. In and around the top spot for me. Thanks for sharing.
A nice, enjoyable read, this. I think you manage to imply just about enough to not leave me questioning the setup, which is no mean feat given the word limit restrictions and the amount you've got going on here. I think some explanation as to the particular rules of this story's supernatural world would assist in giving the plot even greater clarity, though: Why, for instance, can the ghost of the driver who presumably tracked them down not go and retrieve his sandwich ghost himself? We can establish through Anna's interactions and nature that this would be feasible. It might also have been nice to see the client directly, but I don't feel that his absence weakens the fic. There's only so much you can fit in, and it feels pretty complete as it stands.
Not that I wouldn't read the pants off an expanded version, of course. Just saying.
Great stuff. In and around the top spot for me. Thanks for sharing.
The lettuce is crisp and the meat is fresh and the cheese is exactly the right kind of piquant?
http://princessbridequotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/MiracleMax.jpg
...and ROUS? Hmm...
Well, I thought this was pretty good on the whole. The bit with the rat at the end seemed... rather forced to me, the whole dramatic statement/realization thing the two of them do. But on the whole this was engaging and entertaining, if not, perhaps, particularly deep.
This was a bit rough to start with, as the hook came a tad late and it took me a bit to get my bearings on what was going on. However, it improved more or less linearly as the story progressed. I had to smirk at the idea of a ghost sandwich, and a guy wanting revenge on it for killing him. That said, maybe you should have had the client choke on the sandwich, rather than have a heart attack, as then the "unfinished business" and the need to destroy the sandwich would be stronger. I'd also suggest making it clear a tad earlier that they're helping people pass on.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. The bit with the rat was a nicely humanizing touch as well.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. The bit with the rat was a nicely humanizing touch as well.
Huh. It took me a minute or two to fully understand what was going on... But I have to admit, it's a pretty interesting and amusing take on the prompt! Rather silly, but well done. You definitely get the feeling that there's a deep, rich world behind this story, and we're just getting a glimpse of it, somewhere in the middle. Pretty enjoyable, all in all. :)
