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So, uh... who's Maria?
And what was his eventual conclusion on which 'reality' he ended up in? First, second, or some mix of the two?
I mean, I think I understand what's going on here, to some extent. But I'm not entirely sure I found that ending satisfying or conclusive. Despite the mind-games, I'm going to assume that 'Maria' is a misspelling, going by the fact that 'up to meet' is repeated, which seems like a mistake.
I feel like the pacing of this story is very uneven and 'lumpy'. It starts slow, taking a good two scenes or so to really get a plot-hook of any sort going, (the disconnected snippet at the beginning is hardly useful for drawing me in, ramdom-seeming as it is at first) and then, after a bit of psychological messing around, it easily tosses out the mind games with a moment of concentration and gives us... something? I feel like it just kinda drops us, without really giving much in the way of wrap-up or denouement. The bit when I realized two realities were happening was intriguing, up until he just kinda shook it off, but the rest of the story mainly failed to grab me.
The bit about Susan's birthmark seemed an entirely unnecessary aside.
I'm not really sure what sort of suggestions I could make to improve this, honestly. Anything I suggest would change the story radically enough it wouldn't really be the same story anymore. Try and smooth out your pacing, maybe, and work on that ending a bit so it's a little clearer where you're trying to leave us?
Sorry this is kinda unhelpful...
And what was his eventual conclusion on which 'reality' he ended up in? First, second, or some mix of the two?
I mean, I think I understand what's going on here, to some extent. But I'm not entirely sure I found that ending satisfying or conclusive. Despite the mind-games, I'm going to assume that 'Maria' is a misspelling, going by the fact that 'up to meet' is repeated, which seems like a mistake.
I feel like the pacing of this story is very uneven and 'lumpy'. It starts slow, taking a good two scenes or so to really get a plot-hook of any sort going, (the disconnected snippet at the beginning is hardly useful for drawing me in, ramdom-seeming as it is at first) and then, after a bit of psychological messing around, it easily tosses out the mind games with a moment of concentration and gives us... something? I feel like it just kinda drops us, without really giving much in the way of wrap-up or denouement. The bit when I realized two realities were happening was intriguing, up until he just kinda shook it off, but the rest of the story mainly failed to grab me.
The bit about Susan's birthmark seemed an entirely unnecessary aside.
I'm not really sure what sort of suggestions I could make to improve this, honestly. Anything I suggest would change the story radically enough it wouldn't really be the same story anymore. Try and smooth out your pacing, maybe, and work on that ending a bit so it's a little clearer where you're trying to leave us?
Sorry this is kinda unhelpful...
This could definitely use an editing pass. Noticed lots of little typos here and there, though it's stuff that can be cleaned up easily.
A bit disjointed and hard to follow, which I suppose was likely the point. Still, I feel like the roundabout nature it takes to build up to the reveal kind of undercuts the impact, and makes it difficult to care about the characters involved. Ending on a reveal is pretty common for a short story, but if you want to draw more emotional depth out of this story, you may be able to do so by moving the reveal to the midpoint and giving the characters a chance to really react and let it sink in.
A bit disjointed and hard to follow, which I suppose was likely the point. Still, I feel like the roundabout nature it takes to build up to the reveal kind of undercuts the impact, and makes it difficult to care about the characters involved. Ending on a reveal is pretty common for a short story, but if you want to draw more emotional depth out of this story, you may be able to do so by moving the reveal to the midpoint and giving the characters a chance to really react and let it sink in.
Yop. I said I wouldn’t review any story this round for wont of time, but I make an exception for that under-reviewed story.
I agree with the other reviewers about the typos. Hopefully not enough to be distracting, but still noticeable.
The story is disjointed, to say the least. I like the first part, that intimation of a dull, grey life with little touches of tenderness that border on the mere reflex. The baby’s evocation seems slightly superficial to me. I wouldn't bet the author has no children, but it feels like this. The clumsiness of the guy never gets really explained though. There's something off-putting in it, as if he was somehow disabled, but we never get a clear fix of it.
It goes downhill as soon as we learn that this is a dream and the guy tries to control it. I've never been sold on stories where the dreamer takes control of his dream; it sounds totally artificial to me. So the end was really unsatisfactory. I'd suggest you keep on the dream track and rather suggest the guy is daydreaming or that, because of the accident, his brain somehow malfunctions and he cannot really tell the reality from hallucinations. That'd be stronger.
Beyond this, I have little more to offer. But don't fret, I don't fill any slate this round, so I won't dock your story.
I agree with the other reviewers about the typos. Hopefully not enough to be distracting, but still noticeable.
The story is disjointed, to say the least. I like the first part, that intimation of a dull, grey life with little touches of tenderness that border on the mere reflex. The baby’s evocation seems slightly superficial to me. I wouldn't bet the author has no children, but it feels like this. The clumsiness of the guy never gets really explained though. There's something off-putting in it, as if he was somehow disabled, but we never get a clear fix of it.
It goes downhill as soon as we learn that this is a dream and the guy tries to control it. I've never been sold on stories where the dreamer takes control of his dream; it sounds totally artificial to me. So the end was really unsatisfactory. I'd suggest you keep on the dream track and rather suggest the guy is daydreaming or that, because of the accident, his brain somehow malfunctions and he cannot really tell the reality from hallucinations. That'd be stronger.
Beyond this, I have little more to offer. But don't fret, I don't fill any slate this round, so I won't dock your story.
I read this one:
Yesterday afternoon and didn't get it. Now, some 18 hours and a night's sleep later, I do get it and have moved it from my bottom 5 into my top 5. It needs a good vacuuming to clean up all the typos, but it really needs a little demurkification, if I might use that word, and right now I can't think of anything that'd help make the story clearer. Maybe bring in a bit more of a trigger for Tom's actions in the 3rd paragraph from the end: Marie served him with divorce papers after Jamie and Susan left...
Mike
Yesterday afternoon and didn't get it. Now, some 18 hours and a night's sleep later, I do get it and have moved it from my bottom 5 into my top 5. It needs a good vacuuming to clean up all the typos, but it really needs a little demurkification, if I might use that word, and right now I can't think of anything that'd help make the story clearer. Maybe bring in a bit more of a trigger for Tom's actions in the 3rd paragraph from the end: Marie served him with divorce papers after Jamie and Susan left...
Mike