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Between a Rock and a Sad Place
“C’mon… c’mon…” Yearling's words were muffled by the lanternin her mouth. Her hooves scraped against the fallen stone. Each strike hurt her more than it did the fallen debris. A loose pebble found its way to a sensitive spot in the frog of her hood, sending a jolt of pain up her leg.
Her pained yell filled the small space, and in a fit of anger threw her hat at the stubborn stone. It bounced off and narrowly missed her head, flying off into the darkness.
She turned and rested her back against the rocks, slowly sliding down as her anger died and distress settled in. She should’ve waited until sunrise to enter the temple, but one really couldn’t hold themselves when finding the remnants of an ancient civilization, could they?
She sighed. Looking up, she saw her hat had ended on a rock a few strides away from her. She thought about picking it up, but energy was in short supply and she’d rather just wait until someone came looking for her.
“I really should’ve waited until morning.”
Her sore limbs and strained muscles forced her to shuffle, trying to look for a less uncomfortable rock to rest against.
Once more, her eyes settled on the rock with her hat on it.
“Don’t suppose you know a way out.”
Unsurprisingly, the rock did not reply.
Yearling rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, I thought so. It’s odd that it took me this long to find an archeological site that actually fell apart, they’re usually in top shape. Though I suppose with the alpaca tribes being gone for the past two centuries there was no one left to look after this place.”
A shame, really. The last hidden fortress of the Alpaca Empire and the entrance falls on her as soon as she walked in.
Her eyes once more were drawn to the hatted rock. “Knew the royals back then? This was an imperial city, after all. Anything for the history books?
Silence.
Sigh.
Now that she really looked at it, the rock was quite mossy. It must have been part of that wall for centuries. That dull throbbing in her back came back, and she groaned as she tried to move around.
The fire of the lamp flickered, but didn’t go out.
“So… how’s the monotone life? Safe and boring?”
The rock didn’t react.
“I've been getting a lot of that back in Equestria. 'Settle down, A.K. You're not in your thirties anymore'. Blegh.” She huffed and laid her head against the rock. “I just don’t see myself as an old mare giving lectures at a university hall.” She punched one of the rocks behind her. “I’m kind of the opposite of this temple. Always in motion, and I’ll crumble the moment I stop.”
Shadows danced around them as she lifted the lamp with one hoof.
“I always pictured I‘d die on one of these journeys. That’s why all my books have self-contained plots.” She traced the edges of the rocks with her hoof, trying to find a loose one. “It’d suck for the readers to start an overarching plot just to be left hanging because I took an arrow to the side in some forgotten temple by the Marengeti.”
The rocks continued silence made her roll her eyes. Everyone’s a critic.
Once she reached the point where the carved rocks met the mountain, she saw many cracks running over its surface. There was some small solace to be found in knowing that, worst case scenario, she only sped up the collapsing of this part of the fortress instead of directly causing it.
Nevertheless, she couldn’t help but feel bad knowing it was going to fall down anyway.
She flexed her hurt wing a couple of times.
“I bet you didn’t see it coming, did you?” she asked the rock, her eyes not leaving the cracked mountainside. “It just caught you off guard.”
The rock silented in agreement.
“Better do your best to live without regrets before that time comes, huh? I bet you don’t have any of those.”
There was a thin space between one of the rocks and the mountain. It was small, but it let her slowly push it out of the way. It landed with a thud on the other side, but to her ears it may as well have been a fanfare.
She looked over her shoulder and looked at the rock.
“You can keep the hat,” she said and, smiling, got out of the cavern.
Her pained yell filled the small space, and in a fit of anger threw her hat at the stubborn stone. It bounced off and narrowly missed her head, flying off into the darkness.
She turned and rested her back against the rocks, slowly sliding down as her anger died and distress settled in. She should’ve waited until sunrise to enter the temple, but one really couldn’t hold themselves when finding the remnants of an ancient civilization, could they?
She sighed. Looking up, she saw her hat had ended on a rock a few strides away from her. She thought about picking it up, but energy was in short supply and she’d rather just wait until someone came looking for her.
“I really should’ve waited until morning.”
Her sore limbs and strained muscles forced her to shuffle, trying to look for a less uncomfortable rock to rest against.
Once more, her eyes settled on the rock with her hat on it.
“Don’t suppose you know a way out.”
Unsurprisingly, the rock did not reply.
Yearling rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, I thought so. It’s odd that it took me this long to find an archeological site that actually fell apart, they’re usually in top shape. Though I suppose with the alpaca tribes being gone for the past two centuries there was no one left to look after this place.”
A shame, really. The last hidden fortress of the Alpaca Empire and the entrance falls on her as soon as she walked in.
Her eyes once more were drawn to the hatted rock. “Knew the royals back then? This was an imperial city, after all. Anything for the history books?
Silence.
Sigh.
Now that she really looked at it, the rock was quite mossy. It must have been part of that wall for centuries. That dull throbbing in her back came back, and she groaned as she tried to move around.
The fire of the lamp flickered, but didn’t go out.
“So… how’s the monotone life? Safe and boring?”
The rock didn’t react.
“I've been getting a lot of that back in Equestria. 'Settle down, A.K. You're not in your thirties anymore'. Blegh.” She huffed and laid her head against the rock. “I just don’t see myself as an old mare giving lectures at a university hall.” She punched one of the rocks behind her. “I’m kind of the opposite of this temple. Always in motion, and I’ll crumble the moment I stop.”
Shadows danced around them as she lifted the lamp with one hoof.
“I always pictured I‘d die on one of these journeys. That’s why all my books have self-contained plots.” She traced the edges of the rocks with her hoof, trying to find a loose one. “It’d suck for the readers to start an overarching plot just to be left hanging because I took an arrow to the side in some forgotten temple by the Marengeti.”
The rocks continued silence made her roll her eyes. Everyone’s a critic.
Once she reached the point where the carved rocks met the mountain, she saw many cracks running over its surface. There was some small solace to be found in knowing that, worst case scenario, she only sped up the collapsing of this part of the fortress instead of directly causing it.
Nevertheless, she couldn’t help but feel bad knowing it was going to fall down anyway.
She flexed her hurt wing a couple of times.
“I bet you didn’t see it coming, did you?” she asked the rock, her eyes not leaving the cracked mountainside. “It just caught you off guard.”
The rock silented in agreement.
“Better do your best to live without regrets before that time comes, huh? I bet you don’t have any of those.”
There was a thin space between one of the rocks and the mountain. It was small, but it let her slowly push it out of the way. It landed with a thud on the other side, but to her ears it may as well have been a fanfare.
She looked over her shoulder and looked at the rock.
“You can keep the hat,” she said and, smiling, got out of the cavern.
I initially had a lot of specific notes about grammatical and other technical mistakes, but there're too many of them...
So let me judge this on intent, rather than execution. I see the outlines of the moral here, author. I can see the comparison you wanted to make between an aging adventurer and a temple falling apart. The metaphor itself is apt, and perfect for this prompt.
The execution, however, is a bit lacking.
The good news is that the vision you started to paint here... that's the hard part. You grabbed at a deeper concept and tried to wrest it from the aether. The rest—the spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.—the rest you can learn with practice. And as long as you don't lose that spark of inspiration, you'll get there.
So let me judge this on intent, rather than execution. I see the outlines of the moral here, author. I can see the comparison you wanted to make between an aging adventurer and a temple falling apart. The metaphor itself is apt, and perfect for this prompt.
The execution, however, is a bit lacking.
The good news is that the vision you started to paint here... that's the hard part. You grabbed at a deeper concept and tried to wrest it from the aether. The rest—the spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.—the rest you can learn with practice. And as long as you don't lose that spark of inspiration, you'll get there.
Between a Rock and a Sad Place
+
The atmosphere and tone are conveyed early on and fit the overall message of the piece.
I found myself fairly invested in Yearling's musings. Even without any strong conclusions I found the character's reflection to be believable and worth my time.
"The rock silented in agreement." is a great sentence
-
The prose at the end about Yearling's actions get overshadowed by the much more interesting conversation between her and the rock. As such, they don't leave an impact and become hard to follow, making Yearling's escape feel incredibly sudden.
"It was small, but it let her slowly push it out of the way." - It took me quite a few reading of this sentence to understand what the second "it" was referring to.
+
The atmosphere and tone are conveyed early on and fit the overall message of the piece.
I found myself fairly invested in Yearling's musings. Even without any strong conclusions I found the character's reflection to be believable and worth my time.
"The rock silented in agreement." is a great sentence
-
The prose at the end about Yearling's actions get overshadowed by the much more interesting conversation between her and the rock. As such, they don't leave an impact and become hard to follow, making Yearling's escape feel incredibly sudden.
"It was small, but it let her slowly push it out of the way." - It took me quite a few reading of this sentence to understand what the second "it" was referring to.
In which I silented in agreement upon finishing the story.
The only thing that's bringing this impactful story down is the surface-level errors such as spelling errors, especially so in the beginning (like "the lanternin her mouth" and "the frog of her hood" [I think you meant [i]hoof[/i]?]) If you are not doing it already, I advise that you do an editing pass and/or get something like Grammarly or LanguageTool which can be helpful to speed up self-proofreading especially in lightning-fast minific events.
Other than that: wow. Daring Do talking to a rock sounds like a stupid idea but you didn't just make it work; you made it shine. You balance her moral-laden dialogue with descriptions of her surroundings and, of course, the subtle comedy of her talking to a rock. The best sentence, entertainment-wise, is "The rock silented in agreement." You actually made me think the rock would talk back, and I guess you used that as part of the hook even though the rock never did talk back... because, in some weird way, a rock is enough for Daring Do to reflect on her own life. And nice moral!
I don't have much else to say, really. Overall, a great story where talking to a rock can be helpful! Should see this medaling or at least in fourth place.
The only thing that's bringing this impactful story down is the surface-level errors such as spelling errors, especially so in the beginning (like "the lanternin her mouth" and "the frog of her hood" [I think you meant [i]hoof[/i]?]) If you are not doing it already, I advise that you do an editing pass and/or get something like Grammarly or LanguageTool which can be helpful to speed up self-proofreading especially in lightning-fast minific events.
Other than that: wow. Daring Do talking to a rock sounds like a stupid idea but you didn't just make it work; you made it shine. You balance her moral-laden dialogue with descriptions of her surroundings and, of course, the subtle comedy of her talking to a rock. The best sentence, entertainment-wise, is "The rock silented in agreement." You actually made me think the rock would talk back, and I guess you used that as part of the hook even though the rock never did talk back... because, in some weird way, a rock is enough for Daring Do to reflect on her own life. And nice moral!
I don't have much else to say, really. Overall, a great story where talking to a rock can be helpful! Should see this medaling or at least in fourth place.
Genre: Sounds of Silence
Thoughts: I like this as a simple, quiet moment of AK reflecting on herself. It’s a small scene, but the stakes seem rather high, which builds interest.
I feel like the central hook of AK interacting with the rock doesn’t quite work for me at the moment, though. It’s not a bad choice from a structural or storytelling perspective—it’s certainly been done before, and well. Here, though, I feel like we’re a bit rushed into the introduction of the hatted stone, as well as AK’s interest in talking to it. The monologue itself scans well, but I’m not fully buying that she would just want to launch into it.
I’d love to see this with a more gradual setup on the front end, and potentially a less sudden resolution as well. It’s fine that she suddenly sees where to push to get out, but it’s all rather fast, and I don’t feel we get enough connection with the stone for our Indiana Jones stand-in to justify leaving her hat. But again, you’re starting from a strong center part, so it might just be a matter of fleshing out the ends.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I like this as a simple, quiet moment of AK reflecting on herself. It’s a small scene, but the stakes seem rather high, which builds interest.
I feel like the central hook of AK interacting with the rock doesn’t quite work for me at the moment, though. It’s not a bad choice from a structural or storytelling perspective—it’s certainly been done before, and well. Here, though, I feel like we’re a bit rushed into the introduction of the hatted stone, as well as AK’s interest in talking to it. The monologue itself scans well, but I’m not fully buying that she would just want to launch into it.
I’d love to see this with a more gradual setup on the front end, and potentially a less sudden resolution as well. It’s fine that she suddenly sees where to push to get out, but it’s all rather fast, and I don’t feel we get enough connection with the stone for our Indiana Jones stand-in to justify leaving her hat. But again, you’re starting from a strong center part, so it might just be a matter of fleshing out the ends.
Tier: Almost There
Absurdly late with these last couple of reviews, sorry about that.
It's certainly becoming a WriteOff tradition to have a story involving Daring Do look inwards every couple months or so. Not that I mind, it's always interesting to see how everyone goes around putting their own spin on it. With this particular one, I can definitely see what it's striving to go for. Even in spite of the grammatical hiccups, the concept overall is crystal clear. Looking closer at the finer details, however, I don't that it's not fleshed out enough to really hit me emotionally as much as I would've liked it to do.
I think what's really the missing piece from the puzzle is why she feels that way. Why does A.K. feel that she would sooner die from being trapped in a crumbling temple than of old age? How does it relate to the conversation that she's having with this rock? Now, it's fine if she actually doesn't know the reason as to why she feels that way. I think what I'm really wanting from our explorer is to be a bit more upfront with what she's feeling inside. Have her pour her heart out as if to make that rock she's talking to attain some semblance of sympathy to her. Make this conversation matter to her and, inadvertently or otherwise, to us.
Otherwise, good job with this story! Thanks for writing!
It's certainly becoming a WriteOff tradition to have a story involving Daring Do look inwards every couple months or so. Not that I mind, it's always interesting to see how everyone goes around putting their own spin on it. With this particular one, I can definitely see what it's striving to go for. Even in spite of the grammatical hiccups, the concept overall is crystal clear. Looking closer at the finer details, however, I don't that it's not fleshed out enough to really hit me emotionally as much as I would've liked it to do.
I think what's really the missing piece from the puzzle is why she feels that way. Why does A.K. feel that she would sooner die from being trapped in a crumbling temple than of old age? How does it relate to the conversation that she's having with this rock? Now, it's fine if she actually doesn't know the reason as to why she feels that way. I think what I'm really wanting from our explorer is to be a bit more upfront with what she's feeling inside. Have her pour her heart out as if to make that rock she's talking to attain some semblance of sympathy to her. Make this conversation matter to her and, inadvertently or otherwise, to us.
Otherwise, good job with this story! Thanks for writing!