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The Leap
One of the first things Mike did when he got home was trip over the pair of dumbbells his mom left in his room.
He splayed out on the bed. The school year was over. The air-conditioned expanse of summer lay ahead, and he'd be spared the fate of waking up at 7am every day.
He made the decision to take a shower. The dumbbells could wait, he thought. He had all summer to be active. Now was a time for celebration, for rebirth, for the hot waters to cleanse away the evil of school.
On the first day of summer, his parents reminded him that they were leaving for Mexico tomorrow. Mike didn't mind. Last year, they took him to Europe, but this time he preferred to stay home and enjoy his summer.
Don't forget to feed the fish. Check that the doors are locked at night. Oh, and you have an orthodontist appointment on the 27th.
He'd be fine. This wasn't his first rodeo.
On the second day, Mike played Civilization V. The hours melted away, and when his stomach grumbled he decided to take a break and eat.
He read The Old Man and the Sea after, finishing it as soon as it got dark outside. He didn't get it. Seemed a little pointless, he thought.
He saw his parents off.
On the third day, he played Civilization V again. But his game as Egypt got a little boring, and he thought that Egypt's yellow map color was a bit ugly.
This time, he decided to read something less serious. He bought a young adult novel on his Kindle app.
He found it a little stupid, but it was an easy enough read.
It seemed to get dark even faster that day.
On the fourth day, Mike realized that his sleep schedule was already pushed too far forward. He needed to spend less waking hours in the dark.
And he needed to actually use those dumbbells in his room.
Later, he decided that reading on the Kindle app was too much of an eyesore. He needed to take a break from the computer screen, not switch to a new one.
He found himself painfully bored.
On the fifth day, Mike began watching Game of Thrones. It was entertaining enough, and the hours flew by mercilessly fast.
He wasn't sure when he went to sleep. Shamefully, he refused to look at the time.
On the day of watching Season 2, Episode 3, Mike realized that he had lost count of the days.
This always happened during the summer.
On the day of Season 3, Episode 8, Mike started to feel guilty.
He was having a well-earned break from the monotony of school, he told himself. But this was monotony too!
He needed to do something productive.
On the day of Season 4, Episode 3, Mike had the solution to his despair.
He'd found an online writing competition, starting soon. It was the perfect opportunity to do something worthwhile, something productive.
As soon as the prompt was released, he promised himself, he would start. He already had a thousand ideas bubbling in his brain.
On the day of the Season 4 Finale, the competition began. It was still midday when he finished the episode, and saw the prompt, Leap of Faith.
He found that he no longer had any ideas.
On the first day of writing, he broke away from his distractions long enough to go outside and think.
Finally, he retreated back into his air-conditioned castle, and wrote the opening line.
And then a few more.
He felt good. He felt productive.
On the second day of writing, his ideas returned to him in full force. All it took was a little effort, a little brainstorming beforehand.
He found the sentences stringing together, the paragraphs taking shape, almost as fast as the ideas appeared in his head. He rewarded himself with a few episodes for his accomplishments.
On the final day of writing, he poured ideas into words with a newfound fervor.
He didn't even open Steam that day. He had a goal, a task, a remedy to his pitiful idleness, and he had every intention of meeting it.
Finally, after a labor of milky hours, he finished his entry.
He was almost too excited to edit. He gave it a few passes, made some corrections, changed a few sentences around.
He submitted.
On the first day after writing, Mike realized that he'd missed his orthodontist appointment.
He splayed out on the bed. The school year was over. The air-conditioned expanse of summer lay ahead, and he'd be spared the fate of waking up at 7am every day.
He made the decision to take a shower. The dumbbells could wait, he thought. He had all summer to be active. Now was a time for celebration, for rebirth, for the hot waters to cleanse away the evil of school.
On the first day of summer, his parents reminded him that they were leaving for Mexico tomorrow. Mike didn't mind. Last year, they took him to Europe, but this time he preferred to stay home and enjoy his summer.
Don't forget to feed the fish. Check that the doors are locked at night. Oh, and you have an orthodontist appointment on the 27th.
He'd be fine. This wasn't his first rodeo.
On the second day, Mike played Civilization V. The hours melted away, and when his stomach grumbled he decided to take a break and eat.
He read The Old Man and the Sea after, finishing it as soon as it got dark outside. He didn't get it. Seemed a little pointless, he thought.
He saw his parents off.
On the third day, he played Civilization V again. But his game as Egypt got a little boring, and he thought that Egypt's yellow map color was a bit ugly.
This time, he decided to read something less serious. He bought a young adult novel on his Kindle app.
He found it a little stupid, but it was an easy enough read.
It seemed to get dark even faster that day.
On the fourth day, Mike realized that his sleep schedule was already pushed too far forward. He needed to spend less waking hours in the dark.
And he needed to actually use those dumbbells in his room.
Later, he decided that reading on the Kindle app was too much of an eyesore. He needed to take a break from the computer screen, not switch to a new one.
He found himself painfully bored.
On the fifth day, Mike began watching Game of Thrones. It was entertaining enough, and the hours flew by mercilessly fast.
He wasn't sure when he went to sleep. Shamefully, he refused to look at the time.
On the day of watching Season 2, Episode 3, Mike realized that he had lost count of the days.
This always happened during the summer.
On the day of Season 3, Episode 8, Mike started to feel guilty.
He was having a well-earned break from the monotony of school, he told himself. But this was monotony too!
He needed to do something productive.
On the day of Season 4, Episode 3, Mike had the solution to his despair.
He'd found an online writing competition, starting soon. It was the perfect opportunity to do something worthwhile, something productive.
As soon as the prompt was released, he promised himself, he would start. He already had a thousand ideas bubbling in his brain.
On the day of the Season 4 Finale, the competition began. It was still midday when he finished the episode, and saw the prompt, Leap of Faith.
He found that he no longer had any ideas.
On the first day of writing, he broke away from his distractions long enough to go outside and think.
Finally, he retreated back into his air-conditioned castle, and wrote the opening line.
And then a few more.
He felt good. He felt productive.
On the second day of writing, his ideas returned to him in full force. All it took was a little effort, a little brainstorming beforehand.
He found the sentences stringing together, the paragraphs taking shape, almost as fast as the ideas appeared in his head. He rewarded himself with a few episodes for his accomplishments.
On the final day of writing, he poured ideas into words with a newfound fervor.
He didn't even open Steam that day. He had a goal, a task, a remedy to his pitiful idleness, and he had every intention of meeting it.
Finally, after a labor of milky hours, he finished his entry.
He was almost too excited to edit. He gave it a few passes, made some corrections, changed a few sentences around.
He submitted.
On the first day after writing, Mike realized that he'd missed his orthodontist appointment.
The fic was thematically consistent, but at least partially due to the theme, ended up having sort of a passive feel to me.
Granted, maintaining audience engagement while portraying boredom is an inherent challenge. Unfortunately this approach ended up feeling somewhat repetitive; a list of "he did X," (often with that exact phrasing). One approach to spicing it up would be to introduce conflict, or other activities (or explore character by his thoughts when passing up other activities). It might also help to mix up the sentence structure, or show the activities he does do from different angles. For example, instead of saying 'he played civ' have an anecdote about a crushing defeat, or interesting moment.
Also watch up for wordiness; instead of 'he made the decision to take a shower', just say 'he took a shower' or tie it more closely to the cleansing hot waters, which is an engaging part of that paragraph.
For how prominently the dumbbells were placed (tripped was one of the more attention grabbing interactions in the story), they didn't end up going anywhere.
The ending picks things up, albeit with some meta, but there's nothing wrong with that, and the final line did amuse. I'd had that particular Chekhov's gun in the back of my mind from the beginning, and was pleased to see it go off.
Granted, maintaining audience engagement while portraying boredom is an inherent challenge. Unfortunately this approach ended up feeling somewhat repetitive; a list of "he did X," (often with that exact phrasing). One approach to spicing it up would be to introduce conflict, or other activities (or explore character by his thoughts when passing up other activities). It might also help to mix up the sentence structure, or show the activities he does do from different angles. For example, instead of saying 'he played civ' have an anecdote about a crushing defeat, or interesting moment.
Also watch up for wordiness; instead of 'he made the decision to take a shower', just say 'he took a shower' or tie it more closely to the cleansing hot waters, which is an engaging part of that paragraph.
For how prominently the dumbbells were placed (tripped was one of the more attention grabbing interactions in the story), they didn't end up going anywhere.
The ending picks things up, albeit with some meta, but there's nothing wrong with that, and the final line did amuse. I'd had that particular Chekhov's gun in the back of my mind from the beginning, and was pleased to see it go off.
I partially agree with Ratlab here. The repetition scheme could've been funny if it had been accompanied by a real progression, probably a constant roll downhill. The fic tricks us into thinking it will do that, as there's very much a sense of "things going to the dogs" but then there is an abrupt switchback and we enter into a meta-fic about the WriteOffs, which is both out of place, unimaginative and, frankly, quite bland.
TBH, that unexpected swerve sank the fic for me. Sorry, author.
TBH, that unexpected swerve sank the fic for me. Sorry, author.
Okay, that last line is really dumb, but I'd be a liar if I said it didn't make me laugh. Overall, I think the minimalist style here works really well, so kudos to you for taking that risk.
Now I'll have to be honest and say that 90% of the time, meta is not my cup of tea. Some people like it, but I happen to be somebody who doesn't. I won't hold it against you in voting—I just wanted to give you my reading experience.
To me, the biggest issue with this piece is that it just doesn't really try to do a lot. The last line is essentially the only joke, outside of a couple of low-key quips that I found amusing but not to the point of humor. So in retrospect (and especially upon re-reads), the story does feel somewhat plain-jane and nondescript.
In the end, I definitely think this story does what it wants to do, but I do feel like it could have shot for a bit of a higher target.
Now I'll have to be honest and say that 90% of the time, meta is not my cup of tea. Some people like it, but I happen to be somebody who doesn't. I won't hold it against you in voting—I just wanted to give you my reading experience.
To me, the biggest issue with this piece is that it just doesn't really try to do a lot. The last line is essentially the only joke, outside of a couple of low-key quips that I found amusing but not to the point of humor. So in retrospect (and especially upon re-reads), the story does feel somewhat plain-jane and nondescript.
In the end, I definitely think this story does what it wants to do, but I do feel like it could have shot for a bit of a higher target.
Well, I'll give you that it was entertaining. Life is what you make of it and no day is unimportant unless you allow it, which feels inverted as to the theme but I'm not quibbling. It felt somehow autobiographical. It's fitting for the audience of ten authors that submitted this time, but I'm not sure outsiders would get it. Lots of ideas, but none that grab. Yeah. My entry resembles that comment, so I'll say naught more but practice is practice.