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Fire
“Country roaaaads, taaake me hoooome…..”
The tinny voice of a musician called out, stifled by the loud roar of a dirty pickup truck.
The afternoon sun beat down from above, relentless heat flowing endlessly across the Fright Zone. It was truly a desolate wasteland. Large mesas dented upwards to the sky, surrounded by an expanse of purple sand and rocks. The only landmarks for hours around, they had a coarse, war-torn rockface from the frequent dust storms. Occasionally, a small desert animal scurried by, but there were simply no other life forms...
"To the plaaaace, I belooooong! West Etheria-" called out Entrapta, joyously belting out the chorus from the shotgun seat. Scorpia happily poked out over the center console, her body and claws packed into the crowded back seat. They hollered the next line together. "DESERT MAMMAAAA--" Catra's grip on the steering wheel tightened, her nails puncturing the grip of the ratty cover. Brow furrowed, a sweat drop traveled down her face from the oppressive heat.
"Entrapta, if you don't turn that off right now, I'm gonna smash it."
"Aww..." A purple tendril snaked up, and poked the power button for the music box. A harsh noise filled the cabin, the engine struggling to get them across the desert. After a few moments, she frowned at the tan driver. Catra was deep in thought, her eyes laser focused on the empty land ahead of them.
"Hey, Catra.... We're just trying to make the best of things."
No response.
"It's not like we have anything else to do until we get to Headquarters."
Slowly, the sky became a beautiful painting, full of blazing red and deep purple. Fading beams of light shone through the ever present dust cloud behind them, marking the transition to night.
"Guys, we're not gonna make it."
The truck came to a slow stop, momentarily lurching forward in relief. The group shuffled out of the cab, walking towards a large
and rusted metal shell. It was their new makeshift camp, although in another life, it may have been an overturned military tank. After clearing out a small sitting area, Catra apologetically looked at the wily engineer. "I'm sorry Entrapta, but we need a fire..."
She sighed, gloomily looking at the ground. "Yeah, I know." She pulled out her backpack, and unscrewed a tightened casing. She shook the bag, and several large lithium-ion battery packs fall on the ground. "Yay!" Scorpia excitedly bound forward, and started stabbing the tip of her claws through the batteries. A shower of sparks gushed out, and it catches.
"I'll take first watch."
Slumped over each other, they rest against the abandoned metal husk. Scorpia had found several tribal knapsacks tucked under the front seats, which they promptly emptied and used to stoke the fire. Although it warmed them, they couldn't afford to lose any body heat to the cool desert night. If one of them got sick, who could they call for help?
The other two decided to sleep until their shift came. Meanwhile, Catra idly twiddled with a strand of Entrapta's hair, gazing into the embers of the fire. They glowed with an intense heat, never ceasing to burn as much as they could. Licking at the charred fabric, always grabbing upward for dominance. Her thoughts began to drift off to the past night.
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"I had a feeling you'd be here."
It was the worst possible time to be caught.
Inside an unmarked village hut, Adora stared deep into her catlike eyes. A gaze of intense hatred. Her fist clutched Catra's wrist, her claws a moment away from ending her. "I just knew it. You thought you could attack me here, knowing that I'm on a solo mission. Kill me, escape with your new friends. Wasn't that the plan?"
Her fist grew tighter around the other, trapping her feline hand in a vice grip.
"Why don't you just give up? Why can't you stop trying to hurt me? Take a break for once! Just... **stop!**"
"We're leaving. Now."
Catra pushed in the stolen keys, and turned on the ignition. Entrapta and Scorpia were half awake, stuffed into a villager's pick up truck. They drove away from the village, the road illuminated by a dire red glow. Behind them, the village was set ablaze.
Entrapta blinked, her eyes bleary. "Hey Catra, can you tell me what's going on?" No response.
"Can't you just relax for a bit, and explain...?"
"No."
The tinny voice of a musician called out, stifled by the loud roar of a dirty pickup truck.
The afternoon sun beat down from above, relentless heat flowing endlessly across the Fright Zone. It was truly a desolate wasteland. Large mesas dented upwards to the sky, surrounded by an expanse of purple sand and rocks. The only landmarks for hours around, they had a coarse, war-torn rockface from the frequent dust storms. Occasionally, a small desert animal scurried by, but there were simply no other life forms...
"To the plaaaace, I belooooong! West Etheria-" called out Entrapta, joyously belting out the chorus from the shotgun seat. Scorpia happily poked out over the center console, her body and claws packed into the crowded back seat. They hollered the next line together. "DESERT MAMMAAAA--" Catra's grip on the steering wheel tightened, her nails puncturing the grip of the ratty cover. Brow furrowed, a sweat drop traveled down her face from the oppressive heat.
"Entrapta, if you don't turn that off right now, I'm gonna smash it."
"Aww..." A purple tendril snaked up, and poked the power button for the music box. A harsh noise filled the cabin, the engine struggling to get them across the desert. After a few moments, she frowned at the tan driver. Catra was deep in thought, her eyes laser focused on the empty land ahead of them.
"Hey, Catra.... We're just trying to make the best of things."
No response.
"It's not like we have anything else to do until we get to Headquarters."
Slowly, the sky became a beautiful painting, full of blazing red and deep purple. Fading beams of light shone through the ever present dust cloud behind them, marking the transition to night.
"Guys, we're not gonna make it."
The truck came to a slow stop, momentarily lurching forward in relief. The group shuffled out of the cab, walking towards a large
and rusted metal shell. It was their new makeshift camp, although in another life, it may have been an overturned military tank. After clearing out a small sitting area, Catra apologetically looked at the wily engineer. "I'm sorry Entrapta, but we need a fire..."
She sighed, gloomily looking at the ground. "Yeah, I know." She pulled out her backpack, and unscrewed a tightened casing. She shook the bag, and several large lithium-ion battery packs fall on the ground. "Yay!" Scorpia excitedly bound forward, and started stabbing the tip of her claws through the batteries. A shower of sparks gushed out, and it catches.
"I'll take first watch."
Slumped over each other, they rest against the abandoned metal husk. Scorpia had found several tribal knapsacks tucked under the front seats, which they promptly emptied and used to stoke the fire. Although it warmed them, they couldn't afford to lose any body heat to the cool desert night. If one of them got sick, who could they call for help?
The other two decided to sleep until their shift came. Meanwhile, Catra idly twiddled with a strand of Entrapta's hair, gazing into the embers of the fire. They glowed with an intense heat, never ceasing to burn as much as they could. Licking at the charred fabric, always grabbing upward for dominance. Her thoughts began to drift off to the past night.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I had a feeling you'd be here."
It was the worst possible time to be caught.
Inside an unmarked village hut, Adora stared deep into her catlike eyes. A gaze of intense hatred. Her fist clutched Catra's wrist, her claws a moment away from ending her. "I just knew it. You thought you could attack me here, knowing that I'm on a solo mission. Kill me, escape with your new friends. Wasn't that the plan?"
Her fist grew tighter around the other, trapping her feline hand in a vice grip.
"Why don't you just give up? Why can't you stop trying to hurt me? Take a break for once! Just... **stop!**"
"We're leaving. Now."
Catra pushed in the stolen keys, and turned on the ignition. Entrapta and Scorpia were half awake, stuffed into a villager's pick up truck. They drove away from the village, the road illuminated by a dire red glow. Behind them, the village was set ablaze.
Entrapta blinked, her eyes bleary. "Hey Catra, can you tell me what's going on?" No response.
"Can't you just relax for a bit, and explain...?"
"No."
this is an interesting fic! you've written well-formed descriptive paragraphs, focusing on the surroundings of the characters and doing so in detail. said characters are, well, characterized competently, with catra's thoughts and scorpia's pouncing on the lithium-ion batteries remaining in my mind. there was one bit, though, which confused me for a bit: the part where adora and catra met. it took me a couple readthroughs to figure out who was speaking when, so perhaps that could be rewritten to clarify what you were trying to say?
there is, of course, the inevitable mention of grammar and punctuation, which was off in a number of places. (i think the tense you were using changed once, too.) with some editing, this fic could be a much smoother read :)
there is, of course, the inevitable mention of grammar and punctuation, which was off in a number of places. (i think the tense you were using changed once, too.) with some editing, this fic could be a much smoother read :)
Super Pal Trio dynamic at the beginning was well-executed! You seem to have a good grasp on these characters.
Did you run up against the word-count limit and have to slice out a paragraph, though? There's a bit of a disconnect between the first and second scenes. The one with Adora seems minimally sketched out and kind of hard to follow or contextualize.
Salamander already hit on some of the key points regarding grammar and formatting. I think given enough editing time, this one will shine.
Did you run up against the word-count limit and have to slice out a paragraph, though? There's a bit of a disconnect between the first and second scenes. The one with Adora seems minimally sketched out and kind of hard to follow or contextualize.
Salamander already hit on some of the key points regarding grammar and formatting. I think given enough editing time, this one will shine.
First time commenting on a She-Ra round, as I just finished watching the show. Since we have a lot of newcomers, I'll put this header on my comment for every story, since I don't know whether the new people will read the whole discussion thread or just the one for their story.
The write-offs were originally from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom, which has an unusually high caliber of writing standards. Or at least it used to. Sure, there's plenty of bad stuff here, but when you attract that large an audience, you attract a proportionally large number of very good writers, and those tended to congregate in a couple of key places. One, in reviewing groups that helped writers develop, and two, in places like this, that at their best function more as a writing workshop than a competition.
Since I haven't actually started reading any of these as I write this intro, I'll say I don't know how the average writing quality of any given fandom compares to MLP, and it's possible that the critiques given by the MLP veterans will come across as harsh. That's not the intent. I wouldn't spend the 15-30 minutes it takes per minific for me to read, digest, and write up a response if I was just trying to be mean. We all really do intend to help you improve your writing.
I'll put all this above a break so people reading the whole thread will know where to skip down to on subsequent posts.
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This just makes me ask so many questions. They have pickup trucks? They have music recordings? I can just buy stuff like this at times for comedy's sake, but it's still strange. Why not have it be one of the skiffs from the show, for instance?
There are quite a few editing misses, but I'm not pulling out specific examples, because they're easier to fix than story issues, and it'd take too much space to copy out every one I see.
You have a flighty perspective. Early on, it floats around, seeming like it wants to be omniscient and yet subjective, and then finally the story starts being about Catra, and yet it words things in a way that doesn't make sense for her perspective. Keep that under control.
The ending underlines the lack of justification for the beginning. They're not going to make it where? It sounds like they're about to run out of gas, and they stop where they do because the truck's died. But then they get right back in and keep going. Why'd they have to stop, then? Or is it a different truck they took? If so, I can't tell.
There also wasn't any indication of there being a village around where they stopped, so when they set it on fire, I'm left scratching my head. Or is the fire just happening in her memory of encountering Adora? I'm confused.
I don't even know what her specific issue is here. She has the same conflict with Adora that she does in the show and every other story here, and there's no new spin on it. And there's kind of a thin reason for her to get so enraged here: that the place they're staying reminds her of a hut where she saw Adora before.
Or maybe I'm reading that wrong. Maybe she never encountered Adora in a hut, and she's just envisioning Adora coming into the one she's using now. If so, then the way the story is structured confuses the issue by being unclear whether this was a flashback or dream, and when it actually pops back to present reality. The whole flashback/dream transition was pretty rushed and could have been handled more elegantly.
I don't have a lot to say about this one, as there's not a lot of specific things to bite into. It's just kind of a generic "Catra still has angst about Adora" story without any concrete stuff to add to the mix. I don't know enough about this past (or imagined?) encounter to know why it affects Catra so much. I mean, these feelings must always be with her, right? What sparked them so strongly now? They just happen.
The write-offs were originally from the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fandom, which has an unusually high caliber of writing standards. Or at least it used to. Sure, there's plenty of bad stuff here, but when you attract that large an audience, you attract a proportionally large number of very good writers, and those tended to congregate in a couple of key places. One, in reviewing groups that helped writers develop, and two, in places like this, that at their best function more as a writing workshop than a competition.
Since I haven't actually started reading any of these as I write this intro, I'll say I don't know how the average writing quality of any given fandom compares to MLP, and it's possible that the critiques given by the MLP veterans will come across as harsh. That's not the intent. I wouldn't spend the 15-30 minutes it takes per minific for me to read, digest, and write up a response if I was just trying to be mean. We all really do intend to help you improve your writing.
I'll put all this above a break so people reading the whole thread will know where to skip down to on subsequent posts.
--------------------------------------------------------------
This just makes me ask so many questions. They have pickup trucks? They have music recordings? I can just buy stuff like this at times for comedy's sake, but it's still strange. Why not have it be one of the skiffs from the show, for instance?
There are quite a few editing misses, but I'm not pulling out specific examples, because they're easier to fix than story issues, and it'd take too much space to copy out every one I see.
You have a flighty perspective. Early on, it floats around, seeming like it wants to be omniscient and yet subjective, and then finally the story starts being about Catra, and yet it words things in a way that doesn't make sense for her perspective. Keep that under control.
The ending underlines the lack of justification for the beginning. They're not going to make it where? It sounds like they're about to run out of gas, and they stop where they do because the truck's died. But then they get right back in and keep going. Why'd they have to stop, then? Or is it a different truck they took? If so, I can't tell.
There also wasn't any indication of there being a village around where they stopped, so when they set it on fire, I'm left scratching my head. Or is the fire just happening in her memory of encountering Adora? I'm confused.
I don't even know what her specific issue is here. She has the same conflict with Adora that she does in the show and every other story here, and there's no new spin on it. And there's kind of a thin reason for her to get so enraged here: that the place they're staying reminds her of a hut where she saw Adora before.
Or maybe I'm reading that wrong. Maybe she never encountered Adora in a hut, and she's just envisioning Adora coming into the one she's using now. If so, then the way the story is structured confuses the issue by being unclear whether this was a flashback or dream, and when it actually pops back to present reality. The whole flashback/dream transition was pretty rushed and could have been handled more elegantly.
I don't have a lot to say about this one, as there's not a lot of specific things to bite into. It's just kind of a generic "Catra still has angst about Adora" story without any concrete stuff to add to the mix. I don't know enough about this past (or imagined?) encounter to know why it affects Catra so much. I mean, these feelings must always be with her, right? What sparked them so strongly now? They just happen.