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The Dust Wraith
Withered wings carried her over the barren landscape. All below was dust, and all above was dust. Only the occasional ruin of brick or stone broke the unholy symmetry. The sun did not shine on this place.
The only sounds were the wind and her own eternal scream.
She flew faster.
Great machines rusted and fell under their own weight as she flew over them. The air filled with their shrieks.
How impressive they must have been, once, cutting their long trenches into the earth! But no longer.
The sky had been choked when she arrived here; she had not done that. Merely added to it. The machine's masters had abandoned this place long ago.
She flew faster.
The land below was bright, but hardly cheerful. The patchwork quilt that made up this land unwove itself as she passed over, the thread fraying and decaying. She was glad to give this place to the dust.
A lone figure stood below her. Not a pony, no; a serpent, and many other things besides. He did nothing to stop her, merely watched. Soon he, too, joined the rest.
She flew faster.
Here, the world burned. A great beast of destruction stood warden over this land. It met her scream with its own fury.
But flames turned to ash, and ash into dust.
She flew faster.
The sun had not graced this land in a long, long time. In that way, it reminded her of her home.
Stone turned to rubble, rubble turned to sand, and somewhere below a goddess withered away in an ill-deserved throne.
She flew faster.
Great hives towered like termite mounds over the landscape. Drones buzzed around them, mindless in their tasks. They paid no attention as she passed, their chitin cracking and splintering.
Below, far below, the ponies slumbered, their dreams not their own. As one, they sighed with relief, for in her was their salvation.
There was no salvation for her. Only the vengeance which propelled her onward.
She flew faster.
The battlefields stretched on forever. Armour littered the battlefield, stained and dented, while those still standing fought around them. In the low light of the setting sun, it was hard to tell who fought for who.
They continued to fight, even as their flesh rotted and their bones crumbled.
She flew faster.
Her wings, sparse things of little more than bone and sinew, ached. She did not know how long she had been flying. She only knew she had found her destination.
Here, the sun shone. Here, the skies were blue. Here, the land was verdant.
She pitched forwards, her withered wings at last giving out. But it had been enough.
She landed on the balcony of the great castle. The crystal that comprised it turned grey and brittle under her hooves. She had never been here, never seen this place before this moment. And yet, she knew exactly where to go.
Candles snuffed as she passed them. Tapestries unravled into piles of aged thread. The air itself grew musky and ancient in her wake. Still she marched, even as her legs burned and her lungs, whatever was left of her lungs, begged her to stop.
A wooden door stood in her way. She placed her hoof upon it, and it rotted away to nothing.
And there she was, standing there over a desk covered edge to edge in scrolls rich with arcane symbols and scrawled writings. Her wide eyes betrayed her fear, even as her coat began to grey.
Starlight Glimmer looked upon Starlight Glimmer.
And then, at last, they both fell to dust.
The only sounds were the wind and her own eternal scream.
She flew faster.
Great machines rusted and fell under their own weight as she flew over them. The air filled with their shrieks.
How impressive they must have been, once, cutting their long trenches into the earth! But no longer.
The sky had been choked when she arrived here; she had not done that. Merely added to it. The machine's masters had abandoned this place long ago.
She flew faster.
The land below was bright, but hardly cheerful. The patchwork quilt that made up this land unwove itself as she passed over, the thread fraying and decaying. She was glad to give this place to the dust.
A lone figure stood below her. Not a pony, no; a serpent, and many other things besides. He did nothing to stop her, merely watched. Soon he, too, joined the rest.
She flew faster.
Here, the world burned. A great beast of destruction stood warden over this land. It met her scream with its own fury.
But flames turned to ash, and ash into dust.
She flew faster.
The sun had not graced this land in a long, long time. In that way, it reminded her of her home.
Stone turned to rubble, rubble turned to sand, and somewhere below a goddess withered away in an ill-deserved throne.
She flew faster.
Great hives towered like termite mounds over the landscape. Drones buzzed around them, mindless in their tasks. They paid no attention as she passed, their chitin cracking and splintering.
Below, far below, the ponies slumbered, their dreams not their own. As one, they sighed with relief, for in her was their salvation.
There was no salvation for her. Only the vengeance which propelled her onward.
She flew faster.
The battlefields stretched on forever. Armour littered the battlefield, stained and dented, while those still standing fought around them. In the low light of the setting sun, it was hard to tell who fought for who.
They continued to fight, even as their flesh rotted and their bones crumbled.
She flew faster.
Her wings, sparse things of little more than bone and sinew, ached. She did not know how long she had been flying. She only knew she had found her destination.
Here, the sun shone. Here, the skies were blue. Here, the land was verdant.
She pitched forwards, her withered wings at last giving out. But it had been enough.
She landed on the balcony of the great castle. The crystal that comprised it turned grey and brittle under her hooves. She had never been here, never seen this place before this moment. And yet, she knew exactly where to go.
Candles snuffed as she passed them. Tapestries unravled into piles of aged thread. The air itself grew musky and ancient in her wake. Still she marched, even as her legs burned and her lungs, whatever was left of her lungs, begged her to stop.
A wooden door stood in her way. She placed her hoof upon it, and it rotted away to nothing.
And there she was, standing there over a desk covered edge to edge in scrolls rich with arcane symbols and scrawled writings. Her wide eyes betrayed her fear, even as her coat began to grey.
Starlight Glimmer looked upon Starlight Glimmer.
And then, at last, they both fell to dust.
Pics
While reading this I really wished the artwork could be moved to the top of the page in these rounds. I was confused for the first few sections, so then I skip to the end to see pic what it's based on, and then the context was much clearer. Feature, not a bug. Most people see the cover of a book, or the artwork on FimFic, before reading something.
and when I have to scroll down, I'm at risk of accidentally reading the last few lines and spoiling the ending. I really, really wish they could be moved to the top!
that said, I somehow managed to avoid spoiling the ending on this one. Unfortunately, while reading this I felt kind of impatient about the crucial hidden information. Who is this character and why is the story hiding it from me? And this time, I do think that's a flaw. But I can see what this story is trying to do with the reveal at the end, and I think it's pretty interesting on its own.
So I'm not saying to outright tell me everything about her upfront, but I need some kind of misdirection. Like a hint about what she's doing, or that she's searching for something? I mostly felt distracted, like "hurry up and tell me who she is," since I had no idea where the story was going.
After finishing it, I like the story more and could enjoy its creepy atmosphere, since I already understood what was going on. But that first reading could've been much more impactful. Suspense and confusion is just holding it back.
and when I have to scroll down, I'm at risk of accidentally reading the last few lines and spoiling the ending. I really, really wish they could be moved to the top!
that said, I somehow managed to avoid spoiling the ending on this one. Unfortunately, while reading this I felt kind of impatient about the crucial hidden information. Who is this character and why is the story hiding it from me? And this time, I do think that's a flaw. But I can see what this story is trying to do with the reveal at the end, and I think it's pretty interesting on its own.
So I'm not saying to outright tell me everything about her upfront, but I need some kind of misdirection. Like a hint about what she's doing, or that she's searching for something? I mostly felt distracted, like "hurry up and tell me who she is," since I had no idea where the story was going.
After finishing it, I like the story more and could enjoy its creepy atmosphere, since I already understood what was going on. But that first reading could've been much more impactful. Suspense and confusion is just holding it back.
Now that artists have been revealed, I can note that I first read this off-slate because it was based on my pic. (Thank you!) Having clicked through directly from its art inspiration, I thought this played very effectively with my expectations, setting up Starlight Glimmer's identity as a twist. But I think I agree with the above that, as a standalone piece, this isn't going to have anywhere near the same effect.
Perhaps show the protagonist, early on, using magic as well as flying? The juxtaposition of flight with the travel between the different "bad futures" does weakly imply that we're talking about Twilight, but framing a little more strongly that we're watching an alicorn might get the reader to mentally draw the lines the piece otherwise pulls from the picture.
The repetition of "She flew faster" is an effective device. And the descriptions feel appropriately vivid and stark -- but that's undercut by the fact that they're just recounting the beats of an episode we already know; there's no new information in them, no new context for the known information. In that sense they feel almost like padding. If you expand this for FIMFic, author, consider having the protagonist interact with the environment in some way, or even just dig deeper inside her head so that the story becomes about her errors and regrets, with the scenery framing just as backdrop to that. I think it'll add some depth this currently feels like it lacks.
I'm also not certain why the ending occurs as it does. (I'd guess there's some sort of time paradox at play, but disintegration isn't usually symptomatic of that?) Further foreshadowing might heighten the impact there.
Thanks for writing!
Tier: Almost There
Perhaps show the protagonist, early on, using magic as well as flying? The juxtaposition of flight with the travel between the different "bad futures" does weakly imply that we're talking about Twilight, but framing a little more strongly that we're watching an alicorn might get the reader to mentally draw the lines the piece otherwise pulls from the picture.
The repetition of "She flew faster" is an effective device. And the descriptions feel appropriately vivid and stark -- but that's undercut by the fact that they're just recounting the beats of an episode we already know; there's no new information in them, no new context for the known information. In that sense they feel almost like padding. If you expand this for FIMFic, author, consider having the protagonist interact with the environment in some way, or even just dig deeper inside her head so that the story becomes about her errors and regrets, with the scenery framing just as backdrop to that. I think it'll add some depth this currently feels like it lacks.
I'm also not certain why the ending occurs as it does. (I'd guess there's some sort of time paradox at play, but disintegration isn't usually symptomatic of that?) Further foreshadowing might heighten the impact there.
Thanks for writing!
Tier: Almost There
I can't say I know what this story is trying to say. I feel like there's a point here, but I can't tell if I'm missing it because I'm a dummy, or because the story -- in contrast with the one I just reviewed -- is underplaying its hand.
But even if I can't tell what it's trying to say, I recognize that it's saying it well. A very well done, kinetic piece, grounded in canon and highly evocative, with some haunting imagery.
But even if I can't tell what it's trying to say, I recognize that it's saying it well. A very well done, kinetic piece, grounded in canon and highly evocative, with some haunting imagery.
Ooh, time paradox! To answer >>horizon regarding the ending, I think it's this universe's way of correcting the timeline, a la Project Almanac and some Doctor Who episodes.
This had my Austraeoh vibes tingling the moment the first scene break occurred. I would say though, as much as I enjoyed the forlorn scenery and the callbacks to that episode, I do want to look into the mind of the Starlight Glimmer that's traveling across all these timelines. How does it affect her? Why does she not want to stay? In fact, why was she making this journey in the first place? Granted, obvious reasons are obvious, but I feel like there's potentially something more interesting there that could be toyed with.
I also found myself wondering that if this Starlight Glimmer isn't the one from the canonical Equestria, then how could she have known about everything that occurred in all the other timelines? Especially since the timeline kinda sees almost everything turned to dust? Perhaps the same force driving that knowledge was the same one that ultimately drove her to meet her parallel self in the final dimension? I don't really know, but I'm reading this as if Glimmy's the one experiencing all this and it isn't told by a third person narrator. If that's the case, you can burn this section of the comment as an offering to the GlimGlam Gods.
Neat story. Needs some more expanding upon imho, but I liked what I got.
This had my Austraeoh vibes tingling the moment the first scene break occurred. I would say though, as much as I enjoyed the forlorn scenery and the callbacks to that episode, I do want to look into the mind of the Starlight Glimmer that's traveling across all these timelines. How does it affect her? Why does she not want to stay? In fact, why was she making this journey in the first place? Granted, obvious reasons are obvious, but I feel like there's potentially something more interesting there that could be toyed with.
I also found myself wondering that if this Starlight Glimmer isn't the one from the canonical Equestria, then how could she have known about everything that occurred in all the other timelines? Especially since the timeline kinda sees almost everything turned to dust? Perhaps the same force driving that knowledge was the same one that ultimately drove her to meet her parallel self in the final dimension? I don't really know, but I'm reading this as if Glimmy's the one experiencing all this and it isn't told by a third person narrator. If that's the case, you can burn this section of the comment as an offering to the GlimGlam Gods.
Neat story. Needs some more expanding upon imho, but I liked what I got.