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Natural Dreams
Sunset Shimmer was in a bind.
Quite literally, in fact, because she was restrained to a tree by vines. Before her stood a woman who appeared no older than her with blood orange skin, a band of flowers adorning her crown and a terse expression adorning her face.
“Why did you tie me to this tree?” Sunset asked.
The woman sighed. “I would presume introductions would be in order first, Sunset Shimmer of Equestria.”
Sunset felt a chill run through her spine. “Fine. Who are you?”
“I am who I am.”
“I can’t―” Sunset groaned “―I can’t call you that. Give me a name.”
The woman knelt down and picked a flower, sniffing it before it wilted between her fingers. “I suppose you could say I am the shepherd of life’s flock.”
Sunset beat her head against the tree. “What am I supposed to call you, shepherd? That doesn’t sound right. Give me a name.”
“Ah, yes. What’s in a name, anyway? A designation in order to assign meaning to an object .I’ll never understand your kind’s obsession with the separation inherent in assigning one.” She stood up and faced Sunset once again. “However, to facilitate the conversation, I suppose granting myself one would be in order.” She tapped her chin. “How about…
“Gloriosa?”
The sounds created by Gloriosa’s voice when she uttered her name caused Sunset’s heart to beat faster and her sense of self to shrivel the tiniest bit.
“Does Gloriosa suit your needs?” Gloriosa asked.
Sunset bit her lip and nodded, currently unable to find words to express her affirmation.
Gloriosa clapped her hands together. “That’s lovely! Now, do you know why you’re here?”
“It was… a dream summoned me here.” Sunset cringed upon uttering that.
“You know,” Gloriosa said as she wandered about the forest, multihued bouquets of floral arrangements blossoming in her wake, “most beings of your supposed intelligence deem visions to be beneath their purview.”
Sunset grunted. “I used to know someone.”
“But that would be why you came here,” Gloriosa said as he laid her hand upon a tree. The tree dessicated, its leaves gracing the forest bed with their presence. “Do you know why you were summoned here?” She sat down and dug up chunks of earth.
Sunset growled. “I don’t know. I just came to where the dream said I should go and then you tied me up to a tree!”
“Well, I suppose now that you’re here, I can tell you.” Gloriosa clumped the earth into something resembling a stick.
“I’d like to know that myself. I have homework to finish.”
Gloriosa chuckled. “Such puerile concerns for one responsible for nearly destroying us all.” She touched the arranged earth with her finger and it took the form of a snake which coiled around her arm.
Sunset inhaled. “What?”
“You know exactly of what I speak.” Gloriosa strode towards Sunset, the snake still coiled around her arm. Sunset tried to recoil to no avail. “The darkness in your heart which introduced an oil slick unto the world that others have taken advantage of. That alien force that knew not its touch before you gave this place the forbidden fire from your home.” She approached Sunset, the snake snapping in Sunset’s direction as she fruitlessly failed to twist away.
Sunset blinked as her breath hitched. “You mean magic?” Sunset shook her head. “No, you can’t blame me for that! It’s not―”
“Not your fault?” Gloriosa bowed her head. “You mean to tell me it isn’t your fault when your first act of magic is to stain the fabric of nature and later when the magic you introduced is used to tear that very fabric into shreds?” She looked into Sunset’s eyes, her own immobilizing Sunset’s thoughts as they hinted at the endless abyss. “You are the source of the evil which threatens this world.”
Sunset’s jaw slackened, her gaze locked with Gloriosa’s.
“You are the enemy of life. The beast which threatens to crumble all under its fist. You are―”
Sunset snapped her eyes shut. “Responsible. Which means I’ve been doing everything in my power to stop it when it crops up.” Sunset shivered as she felt the cold touch of reptilian flesh wrap around her neck. “Look, I recognize what I’ve done. You don’t have to tell me that.” Sunset opened her eyes, noticing that Gloriosa’s had softened. “I was rotten to the core, and no amount of apologies can rectify that. All I can do from this point is to put my best foot forward to be a better person and to assure that everything doesn’t come crashing down around us.”
“Remorse doesn’t excuse past actions,” Gloriosa said as she raised her hand.
The snake tightened around Sunset’s throat, cutting off her air supply for a few moments before releasing. Sunset gasped for air.
“Give me a reason why I shouldn’t put you to death.”
Sunset’s breath grew shallow as a cold tendril caressed her. “Because… because…”
Sunset smirked. “Because you need me.”
Gloriosa stared blankly at Sunset Shimmer, taking in what she said. “For what purpose?”
“Well,” Sunset said with a chuckle, “your domain appears to be nature, judging by all of the tricks you’ve pulled in my presence, I guess in an attempt to impress your power upon me. This alien magic, however, appears to be beyond your ken.” She flashed a toothy grin. “It worries you, confuses you… perplexes you. It’s outside of your realm, judging by your reaction to it.”
“It is outside of my understanding because it’s not native to this world.” Gloriosa clenched her fist, and the snake tightened slightly around Sunset’s neck.
“So you’re powerless over it,” Sunset eked out. The snake loosened its grip. “You have no control over it, so your solution is to kill the source.” She hummed. “However, the box has been opened. You can’t kill magic by killing me.” Sunset let out a breath. “Others will abuse it, and if you snuff my life, you can say goodbye to this world.”
Gloriosa glared at Sunset. “So you’re holding the world hostage with your life.”
“Not quite.” Sunset shook her head. “I suppose in terms you would understand, you could say I’m evil’s natural predator.”
Gloriosa stared at Sunset for a few minutes as Sunset glared back with a vicious grin. Flies buzzed around them and a woodpecker drilled into a nearby tree for sustenance, the rhythmic tapping punctuating the silence.
Gloriosa then extended her hand and recalled the snake to her arm.
“Your answer is acceptable.”
Sunset let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. “I would hope so. There’s no shame in asking for help with something you don’t understand.”
“I understand that you’ve just taken on a massive burden.” The snake absorbed into Gloriosa’s body. “May you blossom like a palm tree and grow strong like a cedar.”
Sunset nodded. “...thanks, I guess. Now could you untie me?”
“I don’t have to,” Gloriosa said with a smirk.
Sunset Shimmer shot out of bed and hyperventilated, a thin sheen of sweat coating her skin. She honestly couldn’t believe that had been a dream―it felt so real. Everything from Gloriosa’s crushing glare to the snake’s skin around her neck constricting her breath. And she still felt a lingering sense of awe.
That definitely happened on some level, she mused as she extricated herself from her bed and trudged to the bathroom. She’d have to ask Princess Twilight to ask Celestia about visions that lead to visions, if that was even possible. A double vision, as it were
Brushing her teeth, she came to the conclusion that it probably wasn’t a vision. Only Princess Celestia got visions, and she certainly wasn’t as advanced as Princess Celestia. That would be arrogant of her. She soon came to the conclusion that it was just a normal dream. A normal, vivid hyper realistic dream. Everyone gets those once in a while, right?
Now that she decided that her crazy dream last night was just a dream, she took to the task of deciphering it, wondering what it meant. Maybe she still felt some lingering guilt over the Fall Formal? Perhaps she shouldn’t have snapped at Twilight during the Friendship Games. Either way, they were things that she already knew on some level, so maybe the dream just brought them to light. There was no way any of that happened.
What kind of dumb name is Gloriosa, anyway, she thought as she spit into the sink and washed it down the drain. It sounds like parents trying too hard to give their kid a ‘unique’ name.
Her phone ringing threw her out of her reverie as she scrambled to see who was calling. The screen indicated it was Rarity.
“Hey, Rarity, what’s up?”
“Sunset, I’m surprised you answered this early in the morning.”
Sunset chortled as she stretched out on her bed. “Well, if you didn’t think I was going to answer, why didn’t you just shoot me a text?”
“You know that I prefer actual conversation to texting. It’s just you miss out on a lot of language over text… vocal inflections and all that. It’s rather limiting, if I do say so myself.”
“Yeah, I hear you,” Sunset said before she yawned. “So, I had this crazy dream last night.”
“Oh, really? Do tell.”
“Nah, I’ll probably start telling you, then forget half of it and it’ll stop making sense. All I remember is how terrifying it was.” Sunset scratched the back of her neck.
“That sounds more like a nightmare, darling.”
Sunset shrugged. “It wasn’t really a nightmare, it was just… weird, you know?”
“Right, I understand. Sometimes you get strange dreams, like the one I had where my dresses were attacking me. I don’t even know what to call that one—”
“So why did you call again at eight in the morning?”
“Oh, right! I wanted to see if you wanted to attend yoga with me today.”
“That sounds great!” Sunset got out of bed and rifled through her drawers to find her yoga pants. “When is it?”
“It’s at twelve o’clock sharp. I’d love to finally introduce you to Gloriosa—”
Sunset almost dropped the phone as icy terror shot through her veins. “W-what did you just say?”
Snapshots of her dream flashed through her mind.
“I said the yoga instructor’s name is Gloriosa. Now when should I expect you?”
Sunset sat down on her bed and bit her lip. “Um, I forgot that I had to…” Come on, Sunset, think of something! “... wash my cat.”
“... I didn’t think you had a cat.”
Oh crap, she’s right! I don’t have a cat here, that was Equestria! “Well, um, I found a stray kitten last night. I called him… Shepherd!”
“... that’s an unusual name. Well, I completely understand. Washing Opalescence is an absolute nightmare! I guess I’ll see you at school on Monday.”
“Y-yeah, see you on Monday.” Sunset hung up the phone and let out a deep breath.
She was pretty sure Rarity’s yoga instructor wasn’t a cold, calculating nature spirit who contacted her in a dream and tried to kill her.
But she wasn’t going to take that chance. It certainly wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility, considering all of the brouhaha she had been through the past year. If she was going to meet this Gloriosa, it would be on Sunset’s terms in a public place.
Sunset pressed her hands into her face. She was thinking crazy. To even suggest what the dream implied may have actually happened was insane. She had no logical reason to make that connection. Maybe Gloriosa is an actual name people give to their children.
Sunset, however, didn’t believe in coincidences.
An attempt to be corralled into meeting someone named Gloriosa after dreaming about a Gloriosa was definitely under the list of things that fell outside the realm of coincidence. She just didn’t want to encounter her on an uneven playing field on the off chance of that being true.
Sunset would do her best to have the upper hand next time they meet.
Quite literally, in fact, because she was restrained to a tree by vines. Before her stood a woman who appeared no older than her with blood orange skin, a band of flowers adorning her crown and a terse expression adorning her face.
“Why did you tie me to this tree?” Sunset asked.
The woman sighed. “I would presume introductions would be in order first, Sunset Shimmer of Equestria.”
Sunset felt a chill run through her spine. “Fine. Who are you?”
“I am who I am.”
“I can’t―” Sunset groaned “―I can’t call you that. Give me a name.”
The woman knelt down and picked a flower, sniffing it before it wilted between her fingers. “I suppose you could say I am the shepherd of life’s flock.”
Sunset beat her head against the tree. “What am I supposed to call you, shepherd? That doesn’t sound right. Give me a name.”
“Ah, yes. What’s in a name, anyway? A designation in order to assign meaning to an object .I’ll never understand your kind’s obsession with the separation inherent in assigning one.” She stood up and faced Sunset once again. “However, to facilitate the conversation, I suppose granting myself one would be in order.” She tapped her chin. “How about…
“Gloriosa?”
The sounds created by Gloriosa’s voice when she uttered her name caused Sunset’s heart to beat faster and her sense of self to shrivel the tiniest bit.
“Does Gloriosa suit your needs?” Gloriosa asked.
Sunset bit her lip and nodded, currently unable to find words to express her affirmation.
Gloriosa clapped her hands together. “That’s lovely! Now, do you know why you’re here?”
“It was… a dream summoned me here.” Sunset cringed upon uttering that.
“You know,” Gloriosa said as she wandered about the forest, multihued bouquets of floral arrangements blossoming in her wake, “most beings of your supposed intelligence deem visions to be beneath their purview.”
Sunset grunted. “I used to know someone.”
“But that would be why you came here,” Gloriosa said as he laid her hand upon a tree. The tree dessicated, its leaves gracing the forest bed with their presence. “Do you know why you were summoned here?” She sat down and dug up chunks of earth.
Sunset growled. “I don’t know. I just came to where the dream said I should go and then you tied me up to a tree!”
“Well, I suppose now that you’re here, I can tell you.” Gloriosa clumped the earth into something resembling a stick.
“I’d like to know that myself. I have homework to finish.”
Gloriosa chuckled. “Such puerile concerns for one responsible for nearly destroying us all.” She touched the arranged earth with her finger and it took the form of a snake which coiled around her arm.
Sunset inhaled. “What?”
“You know exactly of what I speak.” Gloriosa strode towards Sunset, the snake still coiled around her arm. Sunset tried to recoil to no avail. “The darkness in your heart which introduced an oil slick unto the world that others have taken advantage of. That alien force that knew not its touch before you gave this place the forbidden fire from your home.” She approached Sunset, the snake snapping in Sunset’s direction as she fruitlessly failed to twist away.
Sunset blinked as her breath hitched. “You mean magic?” Sunset shook her head. “No, you can’t blame me for that! It’s not―”
“Not your fault?” Gloriosa bowed her head. “You mean to tell me it isn’t your fault when your first act of magic is to stain the fabric of nature and later when the magic you introduced is used to tear that very fabric into shreds?” She looked into Sunset’s eyes, her own immobilizing Sunset’s thoughts as they hinted at the endless abyss. “You are the source of the evil which threatens this world.”
Sunset’s jaw slackened, her gaze locked with Gloriosa’s.
“You are the enemy of life. The beast which threatens to crumble all under its fist. You are―”
Sunset snapped her eyes shut. “Responsible. Which means I’ve been doing everything in my power to stop it when it crops up.” Sunset shivered as she felt the cold touch of reptilian flesh wrap around her neck. “Look, I recognize what I’ve done. You don’t have to tell me that.” Sunset opened her eyes, noticing that Gloriosa’s had softened. “I was rotten to the core, and no amount of apologies can rectify that. All I can do from this point is to put my best foot forward to be a better person and to assure that everything doesn’t come crashing down around us.”
“Remorse doesn’t excuse past actions,” Gloriosa said as she raised her hand.
The snake tightened around Sunset’s throat, cutting off her air supply for a few moments before releasing. Sunset gasped for air.
“Give me a reason why I shouldn’t put you to death.”
Sunset’s breath grew shallow as a cold tendril caressed her. “Because… because…”
Sunset smirked. “Because you need me.”
Gloriosa stared blankly at Sunset Shimmer, taking in what she said. “For what purpose?”
“Well,” Sunset said with a chuckle, “your domain appears to be nature, judging by all of the tricks you’ve pulled in my presence, I guess in an attempt to impress your power upon me. This alien magic, however, appears to be beyond your ken.” She flashed a toothy grin. “It worries you, confuses you… perplexes you. It’s outside of your realm, judging by your reaction to it.”
“It is outside of my understanding because it’s not native to this world.” Gloriosa clenched her fist, and the snake tightened slightly around Sunset’s neck.
“So you’re powerless over it,” Sunset eked out. The snake loosened its grip. “You have no control over it, so your solution is to kill the source.” She hummed. “However, the box has been opened. You can’t kill magic by killing me.” Sunset let out a breath. “Others will abuse it, and if you snuff my life, you can say goodbye to this world.”
Gloriosa glared at Sunset. “So you’re holding the world hostage with your life.”
“Not quite.” Sunset shook her head. “I suppose in terms you would understand, you could say I’m evil’s natural predator.”
Gloriosa stared at Sunset for a few minutes as Sunset glared back with a vicious grin. Flies buzzed around them and a woodpecker drilled into a nearby tree for sustenance, the rhythmic tapping punctuating the silence.
Gloriosa then extended her hand and recalled the snake to her arm.
“Your answer is acceptable.”
Sunset let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. “I would hope so. There’s no shame in asking for help with something you don’t understand.”
“I understand that you’ve just taken on a massive burden.” The snake absorbed into Gloriosa’s body. “May you blossom like a palm tree and grow strong like a cedar.”
Sunset nodded. “...thanks, I guess. Now could you untie me?”
“I don’t have to,” Gloriosa said with a smirk.
Sunset Shimmer shot out of bed and hyperventilated, a thin sheen of sweat coating her skin. She honestly couldn’t believe that had been a dream―it felt so real. Everything from Gloriosa’s crushing glare to the snake’s skin around her neck constricting her breath. And she still felt a lingering sense of awe.
That definitely happened on some level, she mused as she extricated herself from her bed and trudged to the bathroom. She’d have to ask Princess Twilight to ask Celestia about visions that lead to visions, if that was even possible. A double vision, as it were
Brushing her teeth, she came to the conclusion that it probably wasn’t a vision. Only Princess Celestia got visions, and she certainly wasn’t as advanced as Princess Celestia. That would be arrogant of her. She soon came to the conclusion that it was just a normal dream. A normal, vivid hyper realistic dream. Everyone gets those once in a while, right?
Now that she decided that her crazy dream last night was just a dream, she took to the task of deciphering it, wondering what it meant. Maybe she still felt some lingering guilt over the Fall Formal? Perhaps she shouldn’t have snapped at Twilight during the Friendship Games. Either way, they were things that she already knew on some level, so maybe the dream just brought them to light. There was no way any of that happened.
What kind of dumb name is Gloriosa, anyway, she thought as she spit into the sink and washed it down the drain. It sounds like parents trying too hard to give their kid a ‘unique’ name.
Her phone ringing threw her out of her reverie as she scrambled to see who was calling. The screen indicated it was Rarity.
“Hey, Rarity, what’s up?”
“Sunset, I’m surprised you answered this early in the morning.”
Sunset chortled as she stretched out on her bed. “Well, if you didn’t think I was going to answer, why didn’t you just shoot me a text?”
“You know that I prefer actual conversation to texting. It’s just you miss out on a lot of language over text… vocal inflections and all that. It’s rather limiting, if I do say so myself.”
“Yeah, I hear you,” Sunset said before she yawned. “So, I had this crazy dream last night.”
“Oh, really? Do tell.”
“Nah, I’ll probably start telling you, then forget half of it and it’ll stop making sense. All I remember is how terrifying it was.” Sunset scratched the back of her neck.
“That sounds more like a nightmare, darling.”
Sunset shrugged. “It wasn’t really a nightmare, it was just… weird, you know?”
“Right, I understand. Sometimes you get strange dreams, like the one I had where my dresses were attacking me. I don’t even know what to call that one—”
“So why did you call again at eight in the morning?”
“Oh, right! I wanted to see if you wanted to attend yoga with me today.”
“That sounds great!” Sunset got out of bed and rifled through her drawers to find her yoga pants. “When is it?”
“It’s at twelve o’clock sharp. I’d love to finally introduce you to Gloriosa—”
Sunset almost dropped the phone as icy terror shot through her veins. “W-what did you just say?”
Snapshots of her dream flashed through her mind.
“I said the yoga instructor’s name is Gloriosa. Now when should I expect you?”
Sunset sat down on her bed and bit her lip. “Um, I forgot that I had to…” Come on, Sunset, think of something! “... wash my cat.”
“... I didn’t think you had a cat.”
Oh crap, she’s right! I don’t have a cat here, that was Equestria! “Well, um, I found a stray kitten last night. I called him… Shepherd!”
“... that’s an unusual name. Well, I completely understand. Washing Opalescence is an absolute nightmare! I guess I’ll see you at school on Monday.”
“Y-yeah, see you on Monday.” Sunset hung up the phone and let out a deep breath.
She was pretty sure Rarity’s yoga instructor wasn’t a cold, calculating nature spirit who contacted her in a dream and tried to kill her.
But she wasn’t going to take that chance. It certainly wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility, considering all of the brouhaha she had been through the past year. If she was going to meet this Gloriosa, it would be on Sunset’s terms in a public place.
Sunset pressed her hands into her face. She was thinking crazy. To even suggest what the dream implied may have actually happened was insane. She had no logical reason to make that connection. Maybe Gloriosa is an actual name people give to their children.
Sunset, however, didn’t believe in coincidences.
An attempt to be corralled into meeting someone named Gloriosa after dreaming about a Gloriosa was definitely under the list of things that fell outside the realm of coincidence. She just didn’t want to encounter her on an uneven playing field on the off chance of that being true.
Sunset would do her best to have the upper hand next time they meet.
It took me a moment, but I came to the realization that Gloriosa is from the upcoming Equestria Girls movie. Okay, then.
I don't know how much of this is based on evidence and how much is just artistic liberty, so I guess I'll stick to judging what's here.
Gloriosa comes through pretty well, overall. I feel like the opening paragraphs are trying too hard to give her an air of mysteriousness, though. She and Sunset are just talking in circles for a while. Still, I'd say she is effectively characterized, providing a show of force without resorting to violence.
Realistically, not a whole lot happens. First it's Sunset and Gloriosa talking, then it's Sunset and Rarity talking. There are other instances where I feel like the story is talking in circles, and considering the story is only just above the word-minimum, I'm inclined to think that some of it is padding.
There is some interesting Sunset characterization at work, as well. I can't help but think that some leftover darkness she hasn't completely gotten rid of is revealing itself here.
In the end, we're presented with an idea more than an actual story. This could easily be expanded, exploring different routes, such as Sunset having more nightly visions or actually meeting Gloriosa in the waking-world. But as it is now, there's not a lot going on.
I don't know how much of this is based on evidence and how much is just artistic liberty, so I guess I'll stick to judging what's here.
Gloriosa comes through pretty well, overall. I feel like the opening paragraphs are trying too hard to give her an air of mysteriousness, though. She and Sunset are just talking in circles for a while. Still, I'd say she is effectively characterized, providing a show of force without resorting to violence.
Realistically, not a whole lot happens. First it's Sunset and Gloriosa talking, then it's Sunset and Rarity talking. There are other instances where I feel like the story is talking in circles, and considering the story is only just above the word-minimum, I'm inclined to think that some of it is padding.
There is some interesting Sunset characterization at work, as well. I can't help but think that some leftover darkness she hasn't completely gotten rid of is revealing itself here.
In the end, we're presented with an idea more than an actual story. This could easily be expanded, exploring different routes, such as Sunset having more nightly visions or actually meeting Gloriosa in the waking-world. But as it is now, there's not a lot going on.
How odd that I haven't read more Equestria Girls entries, I would have expected to be a few more.
Either way, regarding the actual story, I found it enjoyable, even if it was cut short. This feels like the setup of a story, and considering you used a character of an upcoming EqG movie, that may be the reason. Outside of that, I don't have many negative things to say, the pacing was good for a story this short.
In conclusion, I'd like to read the whole story about Gloriosa and Sunset's struggle with the remnants of darkness inside of her, as it stands, the story felt like a good introduction to a story, but not so much as a complete story.
Either way, regarding the actual story, I found it enjoyable, even if it was cut short. This feels like the setup of a story, and considering you used a character of an upcoming EqG movie, that may be the reason. Outside of that, I don't have many negative things to say, the pacing was good for a story this short.
In conclusion, I'd like to read the whole story about Gloriosa and Sunset's struggle with the remnants of darkness inside of her, as it stands, the story felt like a good introduction to a story, but not so much as a complete story.
Disclaimer: I am unfamiliar with Equestria Girls, so I won't be commenting on the accuracy of the characters portrayed, and instead focus more on the construction of the story itself. Whoops.
From the outset, I am unsure how to regard what is going on in terms of the tone of the writing. The inclusion of such phrasing a "quite literally, in fact" seems to imply some levity to the situation itself, but the overall purpose of the opening scene seems to want to communicate danger, fear and mysticism. Vague/awkward phrasings or contextually ambiguous reactions such as "a terse expression", "cringed upon uttering that" (i.e. cringed from what emotion?), "currently unable to find words to express her affirmation" take me out the piece a bit. The very first line of dialogue, "Why did you tie me to this tree?" is a bit too on the nose to seem like a realistic utterance. Same with "She honestly couldn’t believe that had been a dream―it felt so real" later on.
Another thing that immediately jumps out at me is that abundance of dialogue with little description. There is usually one line of terse description to accompany dialogue, but the scene is restricted to an extended back and forth between the two characters, which, I don't inherently object to, but would heavily prefer more description to color in the detail. To make a metaphor of this, the narrative at the moment seems to be all line-work and no colors, functional for seeing a picture, but seems incomplete and lacking aesthetically.
A key tip I would like to impart to you is that when writing a mysterious and ominous (seemingly wise?) character like Gloriosa appears to be, it would not be particularly appropriate to have her engage in an elongated dialogue explaining her motivations while delivering waxing poetic dialogue. I think this story could be improve dramatically by cutting down Gloriosa's dialogue by both giving Sunset more room to be expressive and speak (and thus not be a listener to Gloriosa's extended diatribe) and giving Gloriosa more room to act instead of speak. Sunset seems to me like a roguish, but persuasive, character, so I think it would be a lot more suiting for the scene to begin with Gloriosa attempting to wordlessly murder Sunset while Sunset gradually works her persuasion to prevent that end. It is also more interesting to me to figure out why Gloriosa wants to murder Sunset, or have Sunset figure it out, rather than having it explained directly to me. But it's your story and you can structure it how you like.
Another minor hitch for me is the overuse of italics for emphasis and that one use a boldface type. Try to restrict the amount of italics for emphasis to only the most important beats you want to stress; using italics every three or so paragraphs makes it lose its impact. Additionally, some words seem very out of place considering their context and use, as if someone was using a thesaurus. One example of this is this sentence, "That definitely happened on some level, she mused as she extricated herself from her bed" where the word "extricated" seems to be an unnecessary complex word to describe leaving her bed and really jumps out from the surrounding passage as such complex vocabulary is not widely used for the rest of the story.
Of course, as a story, this isn't complete, which I'm sure you're aware of, and it is more functionally similar to an introductory chapter setting up a conflict rather than a complete story. Charles Dickens really believed in coincidences, but I'm not sure if I do, and the scene with the reveal that Gloriosa is Rarity's yoga instructor seems to me to be unnecessarily contrived and potentially robs the reader of an interesting interaction by outright telling the reader immediately under what circumstances our mysterious dream character will interact with our main character. For the purposes of the establishing a more interesting pacing, I think it would be preferable either to delay the reveal of Gloriosa in the real-world, or make their first encounter a surprise to Sunset. This would allow for a more rich character interaction and cut down on the more drab internal drama of Sunset simply wondering if they are the same person at length.
I'm not sure why you italicized all of Rarity's dialogue. There's no reason to do that in my opinion.
Things to consider:
-Additional attention of prose construction
-Restructuring character interactions to better suit the scenes they are in
-Cutting down on redundant/unnecessary information or spending too long on one beat
-Leaving the meaning of substantial things vague / open to interpretation
-Tightening the phrasing of the narration to be clearer as to how actions occur and what they imply
From the outset, I am unsure how to regard what is going on in terms of the tone of the writing. The inclusion of such phrasing a "quite literally, in fact" seems to imply some levity to the situation itself, but the overall purpose of the opening scene seems to want to communicate danger, fear and mysticism. Vague/awkward phrasings or contextually ambiguous reactions such as "a terse expression", "cringed upon uttering that" (i.e. cringed from what emotion?), "currently unable to find words to express her affirmation" take me out the piece a bit. The very first line of dialogue, "Why did you tie me to this tree?" is a bit too on the nose to seem like a realistic utterance. Same with "She honestly couldn’t believe that had been a dream―it felt so real" later on.
Another thing that immediately jumps out at me is that abundance of dialogue with little description. There is usually one line of terse description to accompany dialogue, but the scene is restricted to an extended back and forth between the two characters, which, I don't inherently object to, but would heavily prefer more description to color in the detail. To make a metaphor of this, the narrative at the moment seems to be all line-work and no colors, functional for seeing a picture, but seems incomplete and lacking aesthetically.
A key tip I would like to impart to you is that when writing a mysterious and ominous (seemingly wise?) character like Gloriosa appears to be, it would not be particularly appropriate to have her engage in an elongated dialogue explaining her motivations while delivering waxing poetic dialogue. I think this story could be improve dramatically by cutting down Gloriosa's dialogue by both giving Sunset more room to be expressive and speak (and thus not be a listener to Gloriosa's extended diatribe) and giving Gloriosa more room to act instead of speak. Sunset seems to me like a roguish, but persuasive, character, so I think it would be a lot more suiting for the scene to begin with Gloriosa attempting to wordlessly murder Sunset while Sunset gradually works her persuasion to prevent that end. It is also more interesting to me to figure out why Gloriosa wants to murder Sunset, or have Sunset figure it out, rather than having it explained directly to me. But it's your story and you can structure it how you like.
Another minor hitch for me is the overuse of italics for emphasis and that one use a boldface type. Try to restrict the amount of italics for emphasis to only the most important beats you want to stress; using italics every three or so paragraphs makes it lose its impact. Additionally, some words seem very out of place considering their context and use, as if someone was using a thesaurus. One example of this is this sentence, "That definitely happened on some level, she mused as she extricated herself from her bed" where the word "extricated" seems to be an unnecessary complex word to describe leaving her bed and really jumps out from the surrounding passage as such complex vocabulary is not widely used for the rest of the story.
Of course, as a story, this isn't complete, which I'm sure you're aware of, and it is more functionally similar to an introductory chapter setting up a conflict rather than a complete story. Charles Dickens really believed in coincidences, but I'm not sure if I do, and the scene with the reveal that Gloriosa is Rarity's yoga instructor seems to me to be unnecessarily contrived and potentially robs the reader of an interesting interaction by outright telling the reader immediately under what circumstances our mysterious dream character will interact with our main character. For the purposes of the establishing a more interesting pacing, I think it would be preferable either to delay the reveal of Gloriosa in the real-world, or make their first encounter a surprise to Sunset. This would allow for a more rich character interaction and cut down on the more drab internal drama of Sunset simply wondering if they are the same person at length.
I'm not sure why you italicized all of Rarity's dialogue. There's no reason to do that in my opinion.
Things to consider:
-Additional attention of prose construction
-Restructuring character interactions to better suit the scenes they are in
-Cutting down on redundant/unnecessary information or spending too long on one beat
-Leaving the meaning of substantial things vague / open to interpretation
-Tightening the phrasing of the narration to be clearer as to how actions occur and what they imply
Natural Dreams
There’s a little awkward language early on. This sentence stands out to me, due to the repetition of ‘her’ in such short order:
The second thing I’m struck by is the odd logic expressed by Gloriosa. She says that introductions are in order, then promptly refuses to name herself because “I’ll never understand your kind’s obsession with the separation inherent in assigning one.”
So, why was she so eager to start with introductions?
Anyway, the next part of the story is basically a debate between Sunset and Gloriosa. However, there isn’t much in terms of development for Sunset; she basically just wins the argument and goes home.
Then, in the inexplicable Part II of the story, Rarity calls and Sunset is concerned that her dream might have actually been real? But the reader thought it was real up until this point, so really the only thing Part II does is make the action in Part I seem less impactful. I’m not sure what this second half offers, especially since Sunset doesn’t take Rarity up on her offer.
Finally, Sunset decides she (and we) will just have to wait until they meet again. Why, one wonders? Didn’t they resolve everything in their first meeting? Was there some unfinished business I missed?
There’s a little awkward language early on. This sentence stands out to me, due to the repetition of ‘her’ in such short order:
Before her stood a woman who appeared no older than her with blood orange skin, a band of flowers adorning her crown and a terse expression adorning her face.
The second thing I’m struck by is the odd logic expressed by Gloriosa. She says that introductions are in order, then promptly refuses to name herself because “I’ll never understand your kind’s obsession with the separation inherent in assigning one.”
So, why was she so eager to start with introductions?
Anyway, the next part of the story is basically a debate between Sunset and Gloriosa. However, there isn’t much in terms of development for Sunset; she basically just wins the argument and goes home.
Then, in the inexplicable Part II of the story, Rarity calls and Sunset is concerned that her dream might have actually been real? But the reader thought it was real up until this point, so really the only thing Part II does is make the action in Part I seem less impactful. I’m not sure what this second half offers, especially since Sunset doesn’t take Rarity up on her offer.
Finally, Sunset decides she (and we) will just have to wait until they meet again. Why, one wonders? Didn’t they resolve everything in their first meeting? Was there some unfinished business I missed?
Hmmmm. Interesting. My biggest complaint? This doesn't feel like a short story. At all. It feels like the first chapter, or maybe prologue, of a much longer story.
A good first chapter/prologue, mind you. I like the idea: That Earthquestria has it's own magic, and it's not necessarily, or completely compatible with Equestrian magic... And that the hidden beings of magic there are not happy about it. It's a great idea!
Now go write a few dozen chapters following this up and post it on FimFiction. I'll definitely give it a thumbs up and track it! :)
A good first chapter/prologue, mind you. I like the idea: That Earthquestria has it's own magic, and it's not necessarily, or completely compatible with Equestrian magic... And that the hidden beings of magic there are not happy about it. It's a great idea!
Now go write a few dozen chapters following this up and post it on FimFiction. I'll definitely give it a thumbs up and track it! :)