Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Birthday Greetings, Bottle of Wine
The contents of this story are no longer available
I always take a quick glance, even when I'm not participating, just to see how many entries an event got and if any titles reach out and grab me. In minifics, a good title is really half the battle. If you pick up a novel in a store or library, you can read the blurb on it and see if it looks good to you. There's really no time wasted on minifics, because they only take a couple minutes to read as it is, so on the one hand, it might not matter what your title is at all. Except that when it's one in a long list, and someone doesn't have time to read them all, they'll pick what stands out.
All that is to say that I chose to read this based on the title, but I don't expect that'll be true of many people, because I doubt too many would get the reference. Anyway, this story certainly delivers on the theme of the title, but... well, I'll begin at the beginning.
A good rule with minifics is that you don't have the space to use more than 2 or 3 characters. At least in this case, you're using canon ones, so you don't have to build them from the ground up. But you still have to give them things to do and fit them into the theme, and the end result is that you just don't spend enough time with each to give them much meaning.
There's a fine line here. The sentiment of each scene is fine enough, and if you'd actually shortened them all and lumped them together into a single scene of Rainbow reminiscing about each while she's there with Rarity, I think it would have worked better. As it is, you're trying to give each scene individual attention, but you're just not able to. Ah, but you treat Rarity's scene differently. The rest are all narrative summary of events that have already occurred, and it's always harder to engage the reader with those. But you gave Rarity a live interaction with her, and it's much more personal that way. This was the right decision, and it's why I think you would have done better to keep the other characters to short snippets in one continuous reminiscence during Rarity's scene, especially if there are specific things going on with Rarity to prompt her into remembering them.
There is this nice theme of Rainbow feeling older, and you're very consistent about that. So there's a thematic strength holding it all together, but it doesn't lead anywhere. By the end, it's still the same stuff she's been thinking since the beginning, so I could read just the first scene and get what the entire story is saying. Plus it doesn't really come to a conclusion about it all. Close this off, have the story say something.
One last thematic note: I can't tell if you're trying to hit some shipping notes with Rarity. There's nothing in the story itself to make me think so, but the song the title references does make me think so. I have to think either the title wasn't the best representation of the story's content, or the romance is so subtle that I couldn't see it.
In any case, this is a pretty good slice-of-life look at an aging Dash.
All that is to say that I chose to read this based on the title, but I don't expect that'll be true of many people, because I doubt too many would get the reference. Anyway, this story certainly delivers on the theme of the title, but... well, I'll begin at the beginning.
A good rule with minifics is that you don't have the space to use more than 2 or 3 characters. At least in this case, you're using canon ones, so you don't have to build them from the ground up. But you still have to give them things to do and fit them into the theme, and the end result is that you just don't spend enough time with each to give them much meaning.
There's a fine line here. The sentiment of each scene is fine enough, and if you'd actually shortened them all and lumped them together into a single scene of Rainbow reminiscing about each while she's there with Rarity, I think it would have worked better. As it is, you're trying to give each scene individual attention, but you're just not able to. Ah, but you treat Rarity's scene differently. The rest are all narrative summary of events that have already occurred, and it's always harder to engage the reader with those. But you gave Rarity a live interaction with her, and it's much more personal that way. This was the right decision, and it's why I think you would have done better to keep the other characters to short snippets in one continuous reminiscence during Rarity's scene, especially if there are specific things going on with Rarity to prompt her into remembering them.
There is this nice theme of Rainbow feeling older, and you're very consistent about that. So there's a thematic strength holding it all together, but it doesn't lead anywhere. By the end, it's still the same stuff she's been thinking since the beginning, so I could read just the first scene and get what the entire story is saying. Plus it doesn't really come to a conclusion about it all. Close this off, have the story say something.
One last thematic note: I can't tell if you're trying to hit some shipping notes with Rarity. There's nothing in the story itself to make me think so, but the song the title references does make me think so. I have to think either the title wasn't the best representation of the story's content, or the romance is so subtle that I couldn't see it.
In any case, this is a pretty good slice-of-life look at an aging Dash.
Sixty-four, huh?
Okay, this made me laugh out loud at the end. This story was simultaneously sweet and amusing with the scene with Rarity at the end. I agree with Pascoite about both the fact that the Rarity scene had the strongest impact, and that the title feels a bit misleading – I went into this at the start, with the Applejack bit, expecting that this was going to be a shipfic about Rainbow Dash and Applejack getting old together, and instead I got something about Rainbow Dash making her friends all feel young still, while she keeps up the pretense of remaining forever young. And Rainbow Dash, honestly, feels really natural for this, as I can totally imagine her trying to keep her friends remembering their youth and not feeling old anymore – and of course the amusement of Rarity being the one who makes her feel old because appearances are important, and of course Rarity would resemble that remark.
Anyway, I’m not sure what I’d want to do. Maybe making the scenes actual scenes with the various ponies, little snippets that you still had the chance to say something with, with Rainbow Dash’s thoughts put in. But at the same time, I don’t think you want to make this too long; I think keeping this short is wise, and I wouldn’t want to extend this too much, as this actually does do a good job of capturing the feeling it is going for, then drawing a laugh out of the audience at the end.
Okay, this made me laugh out loud at the end. This story was simultaneously sweet and amusing with the scene with Rarity at the end. I agree with Pascoite about both the fact that the Rarity scene had the strongest impact, and that the title feels a bit misleading – I went into this at the start, with the Applejack bit, expecting that this was going to be a shipfic about Rainbow Dash and Applejack getting old together, and instead I got something about Rainbow Dash making her friends all feel young still, while she keeps up the pretense of remaining forever young. And Rainbow Dash, honestly, feels really natural for this, as I can totally imagine her trying to keep her friends remembering their youth and not feeling old anymore – and of course the amusement of Rarity being the one who makes her feel old because appearances are important, and of course Rarity would resemble that remark.
Anyway, I’m not sure what I’d want to do. Maybe making the scenes actual scenes with the various ponies, little snippets that you still had the chance to say something with, with Rainbow Dash’s thoughts put in. But at the same time, I don’t think you want to make this too long; I think keeping this short is wise, and I wouldn’t want to extend this too much, as this actually does do a good job of capturing the feeling it is going for, then drawing a laugh out of the audience at the end.
Genre: Aging
Thoughts: Well I for one have no idea what the title's referencing. :derpytongue2: Seems like others do, so whatevs. Although, I will say it doesn't hurt to aim toward making references stand on their own in case your audience isn't familiar with the source material. It's one thing if your story's predicated on that knowledge and advertises as such (e.g., crossovers); it's another when le random reader walks in after seeing birthdays and wine advertised but finds neither birthdays nor wine on offer (except inasmuch as being older = more birthdays). I mean, yeah, metaphor and symbolism are other things that a title can shelter in, but here I don't feel like the story is doing that.
All right, time to take off my Quibble Pants and get to it. Once we're past the title thing, this turns into a really nice little series of vignettes. We slowly get the sense that Dashie is making her friends' lives better by her presence. (All but Rarity, of course, darling). Then it just kinda ends.
The feeling I get is like I'm looking at a pile of building materials and a set of blueprints and waiting for a house to pop out of them. Right now the prose is lovely, the character interactions are all solid, etc. But especially the tone of the last scene raises questions for me about what this was. Probably neither a shipfic nor a comedy, yet we end with a squabble that could veer either toward humor or potential romance. I'm all for ending strong but I think right now it confuses itself a bit. And yet, this does a fair bit right.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Well I for one have no idea what the title's referencing. :derpytongue2: Seems like others do, so whatevs. Although, I will say it doesn't hurt to aim toward making references stand on their own in case your audience isn't familiar with the source material. It's one thing if your story's predicated on that knowledge and advertises as such (e.g., crossovers); it's another when le random reader walks in after seeing birthdays and wine advertised but finds neither birthdays nor wine on offer (except inasmuch as being older = more birthdays). I mean, yeah, metaphor and symbolism are other things that a title can shelter in, but here I don't feel like the story is doing that.
All right, time to take off my Quibble Pants and get to it. Once we're past the title thing, this turns into a really nice little series of vignettes. We slowly get the sense that Dashie is making her friends' lives better by her presence. (All but Rarity, of course, darling). Then it just kinda ends.
The feeling I get is like I'm looking at a pile of building materials and a set of blueprints and waiting for a house to pop out of them. Right now the prose is lovely, the character interactions are all solid, etc. But especially the tone of the last scene raises questions for me about what this was. Probably neither a shipfic nor a comedy, yet we end with a squabble that could veer either toward humor or potential romance. I'm all for ending strong but I think right now it confuses itself a bit. And yet, this does a fair bit right.
Tier: Almost There
>>Pascoite
Ahh, ok, I guess a reference to something as culturally ubiquitous as the Beatles can stand a bit more on its own too. It's my own fault for not being super familiar with their work.
Ahh, ok, I guess a reference to something as culturally ubiquitous as the Beatles can stand a bit more on its own too. It's my own fault for not being super familiar with their work.
Relatively generic concept, but mostly executed with decent heart. I'm not sure about the ending though. Why does Dash seem to have matured so much in her interactions with the other friends and found some comfortable stride, yet with Rarity, her "nagging gets old?" That seems the opposite. It's a weird downer of a note in a story otherwise warm about getting old.
>>CoffeeMinion
Don't feel bad. I vaguely knew it, but only because I'd heard Coultan's mashup. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqXtMKCAudI I swear, most famous pop music I know more from Weird Al's parodies of it than from the originals.
Don't feel bad. I vaguely knew it, but only because I'd heard Coultan's mashup. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqXtMKCAudI I swear, most famous pop music I know more from Weird Al's parodies of it than from the originals.
>>Xepher
I think it was because Rainbow Dash is specifically in denial about getting old, so while her interactions with everyone else are positive, when she goes in to get her mane done by Rarity she feels old, and thus it gets associated with Rarity.
I think it was because Rainbow Dash is specifically in denial about getting old, so while her interactions with everyone else are positive, when she goes in to get her mane done by Rarity she feels old, and thus it gets associated with Rarity.
>>TitaniumDragon
I phrased that poorly. I get the association, as Rarity is the one dying her hair and thus seeing her true age, grey hairs, etc. I meant, rather, why has the author chosen to end on that down note with Rarity? Specifically that last line of negativity: that Dash finds the nagging itself gets old. It conflicts with the rest of the story to me, where Dash finds the positive things in all her relationships. I think it weakens the message the story otherwise seemed to be going for.
I phrased that poorly. I get the association, as Rarity is the one dying her hair and thus seeing her true age, grey hairs, etc. I meant, rather, why has the author chosen to end on that down note with Rarity? Specifically that last line of negativity: that Dash finds the nagging itself gets old. It conflicts with the rest of the story to me, where Dash finds the positive things in all her relationships. I think it weakens the message the story otherwise seemed to be going for.
>>Xepher
It's the punchline to the story. Rainbow Dash spends the whole story talking about how she feels young, and how to make others feel young, and then at the end, she herself feels old.
It's the punchline to the story. Rainbow Dash spends the whole story talking about how she feels young, and how to make others feel young, and then at the end, she herself feels old.
This idea started as a story idea joke I made in the writeoff chat maybe 1 or 2 years ago. Rainbow Dash gets old, but instead of losing her athletic ability, what she really cares about is losing her namesake hair colors. She's always gotta look cool! It was the first thing I thought of with this prompt, and I wondered if I could actually turn that joke into a serious idea. Though still keeping the punchline to balance it out.
I'm tired of (im)mortality-angst fanfics (and RD always seems to be the first to burn-out in those), but instead of just subverting that, I thought of real people I've known who simply refused to grow old, at least in spirit. That optimism better fits the magical world of Equestria, instead of just worrying about the far future being depressing and bleak.
This minific was written in 5 parts, and the ones with Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity were clearly formed in my head at the start. I still think they're pretty great. I admit Pinkie and Twilight's sections aren't nearly as good, they're more abstract and vague, because I was getting tired. It's one of those things where you gotta sleep on it and come up with something better the next day, but you don't get the time to do that in this contest. I hoped the strong beginning and end would make up for them, and the subtle links connecting one section to the next might prevent it from getting boring (never do «lists»)
On wordcount: from the start I estimated needing around 500 words for this, even though it's a big concept involving 6 characters. The Rarity section was too much fun to write, so that got an extra 50-75 perhaps. and it went up a bit more from some excessive prose in the weaker sections, stuff that could've been edited out to make them tighter. To me, 624 words is bloated and over-budget. But since it's not anywhere near 750, I can leave in the fat (was gonna use the extra time to write a second entry, but that one didn't work out). I recommend this approach instead of trying to trim down a 1000 word story, because that step is equally time-consuming as the actual writing but completely un-fun.
The title: I'm bad at improvising titles. and that Beatles song was stuck in my head as I was finishing this. It's hard to think of any other pop culture looking at aging in that kind of whimsical romantic way, isn't it? Maybe just titling this "When I'm Sixty Four" would've fit better, without the misleading imagery.... but at least this one was weird enough to be memorable, I think.
I'm tired of (im)mortality-angst fanfics (and RD always seems to be the first to burn-out in those), but instead of just subverting that, I thought of real people I've known who simply refused to grow old, at least in spirit. That optimism better fits the magical world of Equestria, instead of just worrying about the far future being depressing and bleak.
This minific was written in 5 parts, and the ones with Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity were clearly formed in my head at the start. I still think they're pretty great. I admit Pinkie and Twilight's sections aren't nearly as good, they're more abstract and vague, because I was getting tired. It's one of those things where you gotta sleep on it and come up with something better the next day, but you don't get the time to do that in this contest. I hoped the strong beginning and end would make up for them, and the subtle links connecting one section to the next might prevent it from getting boring (never do «lists»)
On wordcount: from the start I estimated needing around 500 words for this, even though it's a big concept involving 6 characters. The Rarity section was too much fun to write, so that got an extra 50-75 perhaps. and it went up a bit more from some excessive prose in the weaker sections, stuff that could've been edited out to make them tighter. To me, 624 words is bloated and over-budget. But since it's not anywhere near 750, I can leave in the fat (was gonna use the extra time to write a second entry, but that one didn't work out). I recommend this approach instead of trying to trim down a 1000 word story, because that step is equally time-consuming as the actual writing but completely un-fun.
The title: I'm bad at improvising titles. and that Beatles song was stuck in my head as I was finishing this. It's hard to think of any other pop culture looking at aging in that kind of whimsical romantic way, isn't it? Maybe just titling this "When I'm Sixty Four" would've fit better, without the misleading imagery.... but at least this one was weird enough to be memorable, I think.