Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
One Last Time
Each of the Mane Six rose into the air and glowed with the color of their Element. The hues flowed off of them like water into a rainbow swirl which smashed into the smoldering abomination that called itself Animus. Fiery hatred was stripped from the being as wave after wave of friendship magic tore into its form. What remained, as was almost always the case after such a Harmony intervention, was a cowering, frightened pony.
As the rainbow light faded, the Mane Six slowly lowered back to the ground and took a few moments to compose themselves. The chamber was surprisingly nondescript for a place where a pony could summon, and be possessed by, all the powers of malice and hatred.
"I'm sorry, so sorr—" The semi-prone pony was cut off as a griffon, dragon, and two ponies rushed into the room and gripped them in a crushing embrace.
"See that they're well treated." Twilight smiled as she brought herself to her full height, which was completely neck and shoulders above even the tallest of her five companions. "They've been through a terrible ordeal and they will need to be shown compassion and forgiveness if they are to be rehabilitated."
The griffon saluted. "Yes Princess."
Twilight turned to a dragon that had attached themselves to the wayward pony's thigh. "You were right to bring this to my attention, Simmer. I know the Friendship Corps has been in operation for many years now, but you should never feel hesitant to come to us for a situation of this magnitude—"
Rainbow Dash collapsed to the floor, causing the Princess to choke on her words.
Twilight gawked for a moment but quickly recovered her composure. "Get them out of here, now! And send for the paramaredics!"
The Friendship Corps removed the apologetic pony from the room as Rainbow Dash struggled to get back to her hooves.
"Rainbow, stay down." Fluttershy's voice trembled and her cloudy eyes glistened. She was swaying a little herself.
"Naw... I... I just—" Rainbow pushed down with her wings as well and managed to stand again. She shook her mane out of her face. Where once it had been quite colorful, it had now faded to multiple shades of grey over the years. "—just haven't been the same since that stunt show a few years back..."
Applejack limped towards Rainbow and offered a steadying hoof. "Ya broke yer back, sugarcube. It's a wonder ya can still stand at all."
"Ha! You're talking to a former Iron Pony, AJ, nothing's gonna keep this pony down!" That didn't stop Rainbow from taking the proffered hoof for balance.
Rarity adjusted her conservatively coiffured mane as she looked from the pair towards Twilight. "Darling, I know that you wanted to tell those nice Friendship Corps ponies that they could come to us in an emergency, but... Twilight, dear... what I mean to say is—"
"We're too old for this BEEP, Twilight!" Pinkie interjected. A half dozen medical bracelets jingled as she gesticulated wildly with a hoof.
"It's true." Applejack added. "Yer the only one of us that's still getting stronger with age."
The other ponies nodded in affirmation.
Twilight looked at her assembled friends.They all looked, and must have felt, much worse for wear than Twilight did. "I'm... I'm sorry everypony. I just wanted to be with you all again... It's... It's been so long..."
"Years." Rainbow, blunt as ever, said as she limped towards Twilight with some help from Applejack. "But Twi, don't worry. Even though I'm... hay, we're all going to be feeling this for months, it felt good to be back."
"Absolutely." Rarity said.
"Yay." Added Fluttershy.
"It's just—" Applejack paused as she struggled to keep Rainbow upright. "—Ah think this was the last time, Twilight. We can barely stand and all we did was walk past all those beat-up members of the Friendship Corps and use the Elements."
Again, the other ponies nodded in affirmation.
Twilight looked at the floor as tears threatened to spring from her eyes. "I'll have to make sure the new element candidates are ready then..." Twilight turned her gaze upwards towards each of her friends in turn. "I'm just glad that we got to do this. Even if it was just for one last—"
"And roll credits!" The years had been cruel to Twilight's friends, but hadn't diminished Pinkie's supernatural ability to ruin the mood.
As the rainbow light faded, the Mane Six slowly lowered back to the ground and took a few moments to compose themselves. The chamber was surprisingly nondescript for a place where a pony could summon, and be possessed by, all the powers of malice and hatred.
"I'm sorry, so sorr—" The semi-prone pony was cut off as a griffon, dragon, and two ponies rushed into the room and gripped them in a crushing embrace.
"See that they're well treated." Twilight smiled as she brought herself to her full height, which was completely neck and shoulders above even the tallest of her five companions. "They've been through a terrible ordeal and they will need to be shown compassion and forgiveness if they are to be rehabilitated."
The griffon saluted. "Yes Princess."
Twilight turned to a dragon that had attached themselves to the wayward pony's thigh. "You were right to bring this to my attention, Simmer. I know the Friendship Corps has been in operation for many years now, but you should never feel hesitant to come to us for a situation of this magnitude—"
Rainbow Dash collapsed to the floor, causing the Princess to choke on her words.
Twilight gawked for a moment but quickly recovered her composure. "Get them out of here, now! And send for the paramaredics!"
The Friendship Corps removed the apologetic pony from the room as Rainbow Dash struggled to get back to her hooves.
"Rainbow, stay down." Fluttershy's voice trembled and her cloudy eyes glistened. She was swaying a little herself.
"Naw... I... I just—" Rainbow pushed down with her wings as well and managed to stand again. She shook her mane out of her face. Where once it had been quite colorful, it had now faded to multiple shades of grey over the years. "—just haven't been the same since that stunt show a few years back..."
Applejack limped towards Rainbow and offered a steadying hoof. "Ya broke yer back, sugarcube. It's a wonder ya can still stand at all."
"Ha! You're talking to a former Iron Pony, AJ, nothing's gonna keep this pony down!" That didn't stop Rainbow from taking the proffered hoof for balance.
Rarity adjusted her conservatively coiffured mane as she looked from the pair towards Twilight. "Darling, I know that you wanted to tell those nice Friendship Corps ponies that they could come to us in an emergency, but... Twilight, dear... what I mean to say is—"
"We're too old for this BEEP, Twilight!" Pinkie interjected. A half dozen medical bracelets jingled as she gesticulated wildly with a hoof.
"It's true." Applejack added. "Yer the only one of us that's still getting stronger with age."
The other ponies nodded in affirmation.
Twilight looked at her assembled friends.They all looked, and must have felt, much worse for wear than Twilight did. "I'm... I'm sorry everypony. I just wanted to be with you all again... It's... It's been so long..."
"Years." Rainbow, blunt as ever, said as she limped towards Twilight with some help from Applejack. "But Twi, don't worry. Even though I'm... hay, we're all going to be feeling this for months, it felt good to be back."
"Absolutely." Rarity said.
"Yay." Added Fluttershy.
"It's just—" Applejack paused as she struggled to keep Rainbow upright. "—Ah think this was the last time, Twilight. We can barely stand and all we did was walk past all those beat-up members of the Friendship Corps and use the Elements."
Again, the other ponies nodded in affirmation.
Twilight looked at the floor as tears threatened to spring from her eyes. "I'll have to make sure the new element candidates are ready then..." Twilight turned her gaze upwards towards each of her friends in turn. "I'm just glad that we got to do this. Even if it was just for one last—"
"And roll credits!" The years had been cruel to Twilight's friends, but hadn't diminished Pinkie's supernatural ability to ruin the mood.
Okay, seriously, meta-ruining your own ending doesn’t work that way. It is still just ruining the ending. It might seem funny on a meta-level, but we still have to read the actual story. :P
But I digress.
What this story really needed to do was to focus on just one pony in addition to Twilight, instead of the whole group. 750 words is not enough time to have them all chip in and do more than state the obvious. If you focus it into a one-on-one, you can dig deeper into the emotions and go beyond the “this is what is going on” and into feelings. Five old ponies aren’t as effective as one old pony who we have more time to grow accustomed to in their aged state.
If you’re going to expand this into a story for FIMFiction, I’d recommend trying to figure out how to go beyond “we’re old” and going into more about how Twilight is relating to them and struggling to match her own agelessness with their aging (and perhaps some of them being in denial about it – Rainbow Dash being in denial about it above everyone else would work well, I think, though Pinkie Pie would be another possibility).
Also, while humor is good in pony stuff, I'd recommend trying to make the humor feel more consistent with the overall tone of the thing – getting old sucks, so if Pinkie Pie is going to make some jokes, I’d work on making them feel more in tenor with the darker tone, or, if you wanted Pinkie Pie’s jokes to feel wrong, have her be in denial of things changing along with Twilight, and her jokes being a sign that she *hasn’t* moved on as a pony and make others wince.
But I digress.
What this story really needed to do was to focus on just one pony in addition to Twilight, instead of the whole group. 750 words is not enough time to have them all chip in and do more than state the obvious. If you focus it into a one-on-one, you can dig deeper into the emotions and go beyond the “this is what is going on” and into feelings. Five old ponies aren’t as effective as one old pony who we have more time to grow accustomed to in their aged state.
If you’re going to expand this into a story for FIMFiction, I’d recommend trying to figure out how to go beyond “we’re old” and going into more about how Twilight is relating to them and struggling to match her own agelessness with their aging (and perhaps some of them being in denial about it – Rainbow Dash being in denial about it above everyone else would work well, I think, though Pinkie Pie would be another possibility).
Also, while humor is good in pony stuff, I'd recommend trying to make the humor feel more consistent with the overall tone of the thing – getting old sucks, so if Pinkie Pie is going to make some jokes, I’d work on making them feel more in tenor with the darker tone, or, if you wanted Pinkie Pie’s jokes to feel wrong, have her be in denial of things changing along with Twilight, and her jokes being a sign that she *hasn’t* moved on as a pony and make others wince.
This is another entry that suffers from inconsistent tone. It's mostly serious, but a couple of weak stabs at humor undercut it. There are some persistent editing errors, like how to capitalize and punctuate dialogue transitions.
Really, I wonder why this didn't come to a head long ago. Twilight's already got replacements in training, she realizes her friends aren't as capable anymore, and she should have known this wasn't a good idea and had a plan in place already. It's not like Twilight to be without a plan.
I don't even get the sentiment. What's so special about needing one last chance to fight evil with the girls again? It's not like she doesn't have the opportunity to interact with them at all, so why does she specifically need it to be a fight?
>>TitaniumDragon is right that the story introduces this theme of Twilight aging while the others don't, yet doesn't go anywhere with it. It's just stated as a reason why they can't keep up with her and thus this has to be the title drop, but how does Twilight actually feel about this? How do the rest of them feel? You've put the spotlight on it, so make a point about it.
For that matter, you leave the villain rather generic. That really depends on how you want the story to go. As a short piece focused on these other themes, you don't have the space to, so you might even need to cut back on his involvement. But given the chance to expand the story and post a longer version to FiMFic, he deserves getting some more character development so that we care what happens to him.
Really, I wonder why this didn't come to a head long ago. Twilight's already got replacements in training, she realizes her friends aren't as capable anymore, and she should have known this wasn't a good idea and had a plan in place already. It's not like Twilight to be without a plan.
I don't even get the sentiment. What's so special about needing one last chance to fight evil with the girls again? It's not like she doesn't have the opportunity to interact with them at all, so why does she specifically need it to be a fight?
>>TitaniumDragon is right that the story introduces this theme of Twilight aging while the others don't, yet doesn't go anywhere with it. It's just stated as a reason why they can't keep up with her and thus this has to be the title drop, but how does Twilight actually feel about this? How do the rest of them feel? You've put the spotlight on it, so make a point about it.
For that matter, you leave the villain rather generic. That really depends on how you want the story to go. As a short piece focused on these other themes, you don't have the space to, so you might even need to cut back on his involvement. But given the chance to expand the story and post a longer version to FiMFic, he deserves getting some more character development so that we care what happens to him.
Not a fan of capitalizing so many Important Words. "Paramaredics" was also a pun too far. I appreciate what the story is trying to do, but "Immortal Twilight watches her friends succumb to age" has been done a lot, and this didn't really bring anything new to that table. Having all six there was too many characters to juggle in the length. For example, having Fluttershy just say "Yay" so she's "participating" in the conversation tells me nothing new about Fluttershy and is also a waste of precious word count. I will say Pinkie's line at the end kinda made me chuckle though but would've been better in a longer piece where I'd had time to actually feel some emotion first.
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Pascoite
>>Xepher
Yeah, unfortunately, “well thought out” wasn’t something that happened here. Honestly I was just trying to get something down since I’ve been missing far too many of these writeoff prompts. It certainly doesn’t help that it was all written from about 12:00am-3:00am.
My original idea was going to be a piece before the action, with Applejack as the focus character. I got caught up in the idea though that her putting on her hat and saying “one more time can’t hurt” just wouldn’t cut it.
I definitely realized that if this were to work, that it would need to be fleshed out a lot more, like at least triple current length, probably a lot more. I don’t think this story is going to make the transfer to FIMFiction, it really would need a complete rewrite and too much work for something I’m not sure would work.
It did, however, prompt me to think about other ideas, which is a big reason I do these contests.
>>Pascoite
>>Xepher
Yeah, unfortunately, “well thought out” wasn’t something that happened here. Honestly I was just trying to get something down since I’ve been missing far too many of these writeoff prompts. It certainly doesn’t help that it was all written from about 12:00am-3:00am.
My original idea was going to be a piece before the action, with Applejack as the focus character. I got caught up in the idea though that her putting on her hat and saying “one more time can’t hurt” just wouldn’t cut it.
I definitely realized that if this were to work, that it would need to be fleshed out a lot more, like at least triple current length, probably a lot more. I don’t think this story is going to make the transfer to FIMFiction, it really would need a complete rewrite and too much work for something I’m not sure would work.
It did, however, prompt me to think about other ideas, which is a big reason I do these contests.