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Divine Nectar
Applejack surveyed the crystalline hall within Twilight's castle, where her friends, along with Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and half of Ponyville, had gathered to celebrate. The Pillars had returned from their year-long sojourn to travel the world and learn more about their place within it, and everypony was eager to catch up.
With one notable exception. Applejack frowned to herself, then quietly took Sonambula aside. “Where’s Rockhoof gotten himself to? I’ve got something Twilight and I cooked up I want him to try out.”
Sonambula’s normally gentle smile faltered. “He has, ah, spent a lot of time keeping his own company over the past few moons. He was very close with the ponies of the Mighty Helm, and seeing his old village in– well, in its current state…” She sighed. “It was difficult for him.”
“I can only imagine.” Applejack scratched at the crystal floor with a hoof, then looked up with a determined glint in her eye. “But I have something that might help.”
Applejack found Rockhoof just outside as he sat along the side of the road, idly scuffing geometric patterns – no, runes, as Twilight had called them during their research – into the dirt.
“Hey there, big guy.” She ambled over to him, carrying a mug in her forehoof.
“Ah, Applejack.” He heaved himself to his hooves. “How goes the celebration?”
“A might bit empty without you in there taking up space.” Applejack grinned at him, then softened her expression. “I hear tell you’ve been keeping to yourself for a while now. Wanna talk about it?”
“I would rather not.” Rockhoof stared at the runes in the dirt. “I will just say it is difficult to enjoy the company of friends, when all you think of is friends who can no longer be with you.”
Applejack simply nodded, and the two of them stood in silence in the pleasantly cool autumn breeze. She considered the design of the runes, and thought they were pretty, in a simple kind of way.
At length, Rockhoof sighed. “Sonambula’s village is thriving today, and Meadowbrook’s people endure. The Cloudsdale pegasi still have a fine military tradition in the Wonderbolts, and Mistmane still has her village’s lovely garden. Even Starswirl still has his prize pupils.” He frowned, and his voice lowered. “Yet nothing remains of my village, of my culture, but an archeological dig site. It seems the volcano won, in the end.”
Applejack hung her head. “I’m sorry, Rockhoof.”
“Mmm. Me too.”
After a reflective minute, Applejack said, “Well, before I leave you be, Twilight and I made you a little somethin’.” She held out the mug.
“Oh?” He took the mug in his own massive hoof, and his eyes widened as the smell of it hit his nose. “It cannot be.” He took an experimental sip, and his eyes shone with moisture in the starlight.
Applejack winced. “N-now, it might taste a little funny – I doubt they used apple blossom honey back in the day, but Twilight said elderflower– whoa!”
Rockhoof scooped her up in a bone-crushing hug. “It tastes like home, little one.” He set her down, then laughed and drained the mug in a single hearty swig. “Ah. Is there more?”
Applejack grinned. “Yup! Made a whole barrel, ‘specially for you!”
“I am well pleased!” Rockhoof grinned back. “It is good for a first run. With some work, it could replace this land’s obsession with cider!”
Applejack jaw fell open. “Whoa now, no need for–”
“Ha, I kid.” Rockhoof tipped back Applejack’s hat and tousled her mane with a heavy hoof. “Come, let us share with Flash Magnus – he is almost as fond of mead as me!”
“Heh, well, best get it to him before Rainbow Dash finds out about it, or he’s liable to not get any!”
They shared a laugh, then returned to the light and life of the gathering hall.
With one notable exception. Applejack frowned to herself, then quietly took Sonambula aside. “Where’s Rockhoof gotten himself to? I’ve got something Twilight and I cooked up I want him to try out.”
Sonambula’s normally gentle smile faltered. “He has, ah, spent a lot of time keeping his own company over the past few moons. He was very close with the ponies of the Mighty Helm, and seeing his old village in– well, in its current state…” She sighed. “It was difficult for him.”
“I can only imagine.” Applejack scratched at the crystal floor with a hoof, then looked up with a determined glint in her eye. “But I have something that might help.”
Applejack found Rockhoof just outside as he sat along the side of the road, idly scuffing geometric patterns – no, runes, as Twilight had called them during their research – into the dirt.
“Hey there, big guy.” She ambled over to him, carrying a mug in her forehoof.
“Ah, Applejack.” He heaved himself to his hooves. “How goes the celebration?”
“A might bit empty without you in there taking up space.” Applejack grinned at him, then softened her expression. “I hear tell you’ve been keeping to yourself for a while now. Wanna talk about it?”
“I would rather not.” Rockhoof stared at the runes in the dirt. “I will just say it is difficult to enjoy the company of friends, when all you think of is friends who can no longer be with you.”
Applejack simply nodded, and the two of them stood in silence in the pleasantly cool autumn breeze. She considered the design of the runes, and thought they were pretty, in a simple kind of way.
At length, Rockhoof sighed. “Sonambula’s village is thriving today, and Meadowbrook’s people endure. The Cloudsdale pegasi still have a fine military tradition in the Wonderbolts, and Mistmane still has her village’s lovely garden. Even Starswirl still has his prize pupils.” He frowned, and his voice lowered. “Yet nothing remains of my village, of my culture, but an archeological dig site. It seems the volcano won, in the end.”
Applejack hung her head. “I’m sorry, Rockhoof.”
“Mmm. Me too.”
After a reflective minute, Applejack said, “Well, before I leave you be, Twilight and I made you a little somethin’.” She held out the mug.
“Oh?” He took the mug in his own massive hoof, and his eyes widened as the smell of it hit his nose. “It cannot be.” He took an experimental sip, and his eyes shone with moisture in the starlight.
Applejack winced. “N-now, it might taste a little funny – I doubt they used apple blossom honey back in the day, but Twilight said elderflower– whoa!”
Rockhoof scooped her up in a bone-crushing hug. “It tastes like home, little one.” He set her down, then laughed and drained the mug in a single hearty swig. “Ah. Is there more?”
Applejack grinned. “Yup! Made a whole barrel, ‘specially for you!”
“I am well pleased!” Rockhoof grinned back. “It is good for a first run. With some work, it could replace this land’s obsession with cider!”
Applejack jaw fell open. “Whoa now, no need for–”
“Ha, I kid.” Rockhoof tipped back Applejack’s hat and tousled her mane with a heavy hoof. “Come, let us share with Flash Magnus – he is almost as fond of mead as me!”
“Heh, well, best get it to him before Rainbow Dash finds out about it, or he’s liable to not get any!”
They shared a laugh, then returned to the light and life of the gathering hall.
Ah, mead. The obscure yet not obscure drink of old.
While giving someone a reminder of their home that is now gone in this way was nice, I’m not sure that this story really felt like it had much of a purpose. Yes, it was a nice gesture on Applejack’s part… but it just doesn’t feel all that substantive. There’s not much of a build-up here, it just sort of happens, problem stated, problem resolved, without giving me a true sense of the weight of the situation. It is something that is supposed to have a lot of emotional weight and payoff, but instead, I just sort of felt like I do when I turn a quest in to an NPC in a video game - task accomplished, mission over, xp gained, but not much emotional payoff, because I don’t have much emotion invested in his home.
While giving someone a reminder of their home that is now gone in this way was nice, I’m not sure that this story really felt like it had much of a purpose. Yes, it was a nice gesture on Applejack’s part… but it just doesn’t feel all that substantive. There’s not much of a build-up here, it just sort of happens, problem stated, problem resolved, without giving me a true sense of the weight of the situation. It is something that is supposed to have a lot of emotional weight and payoff, but instead, I just sort of felt like I do when I turn a quest in to an NPC in a video game - task accomplished, mission over, xp gained, but not much emotional payoff, because I don’t have much emotion invested in his home.
This is a nice friendship moment, but Rockhoof sure seemed easy to convince. She plies him with some mead, and his spirits are instantaneously lifted. For that matter, Applejack takes a strange tack. He's lamenting the loss of his people, and AJ basically says, "Yeah, that's too bad—how about some booze?" I get that it's meant to evoke those old times for him, but let her make that connection. Or let him. As long as someone does. She just abruptly changes gears. Plus she was planning on doing this anyway, before she knew he was upset about anything. I'm not sure how you'd want to bring that into play, but I think it deserves to be.
You had word count available, too. Frankly, you didn't need that first scene at all. If AJ just shows up and says she heard he was feeling down about losing the village, that's all we need. How she learned it didn't make a difference to the plot, and Somnambula (note that spelling, since it's most of the editing errors you made) wasn't an important character. It didn't matter that she in particular was the one who told AJ, which is why it's just as effective to skip that part and have AJ come in already with that knowledge. Plus it's usually less of a payoff when AJ can solve someone's problem just by talking them through it.
You actually picked just the right pony for the job. AJ is well acquainted with loss, so have her connect with him on that level. Then there's a much more personal reason for her to become involved, and you have someone helping another from experience. We already know what AJ's past is in the matter, too, but leaving Rockhoof as vague as "my whole village is gone" doesn't land as firmly as if you had specifics to offer. Who are some of the ponies he misses? Give me an anecdote about a couple of them, what they meant to him, things that he used to do with them that would illustrate his attachment to them rather than him just saying he had one and leaving the reader to take his word for it. A few specifics will always be more powerful than a broad generalization.
You do have a good sense of who each one of them is, and their voices come through well in their dialogue.
You had word count available, too. Frankly, you didn't need that first scene at all. If AJ just shows up and says she heard he was feeling down about losing the village, that's all we need. How she learned it didn't make a difference to the plot, and Somnambula (note that spelling, since it's most of the editing errors you made) wasn't an important character. It didn't matter that she in particular was the one who told AJ, which is why it's just as effective to skip that part and have AJ come in already with that knowledge. Plus it's usually less of a payoff when AJ can solve someone's problem just by talking them through it.
You actually picked just the right pony for the job. AJ is well acquainted with loss, so have her connect with him on that level. Then there's a much more personal reason for her to become involved, and you have someone helping another from experience. We already know what AJ's past is in the matter, too, but leaving Rockhoof as vague as "my whole village is gone" doesn't land as firmly as if you had specifics to offer. Who are some of the ponies he misses? Give me an anecdote about a couple of them, what they meant to him, things that he used to do with them that would illustrate his attachment to them rather than him just saying he had one and leaving the reader to take his word for it. A few specifics will always be more powerful than a broad generalization.
You do have a good sense of who each one of them is, and their voices come through well in their dialogue.
>>Pascoite
See what the smart guy said? That's more or less what I think (rather more than less). Your characters' voices are solid (“A might bit empty without you in there taking up space.”), their interaction are interesting, and you chose thebest right pony for the situation.
And as >>Pascoite said, get rid of that first scene, start with AJ already meeting Rockhoof outside, and don't rush things. As you established it, Rockhoof has almost lost everything and we can imagine how hard and long it will be for him to rebuild his life. That's AJ's role, showing him that from her experience (losing her parents, leaving the farm to live in Manehattan), there is a way for healing.
And that he already has six/seven/eight new friends to start with.
See what the smart guy said? That's more or less what I think (rather more than less). Your characters' voices are solid (“A might bit empty without you in there taking up space.”), their interaction are interesting, and you chose the
And as >>Pascoite said, get rid of that first scene, start with AJ already meeting Rockhoof outside, and don't rush things. As you established it, Rockhoof has almost lost everything and we can imagine how hard and long it will be for him to rebuild his life. That's AJ's role, showing him that from her experience (losing her parents, leaving the farm to live in Manehattan), there is a way for healing.
And that he already has six/seven/eight new friends to start with.
Ahhh... Mead. Or more generally, alcohol. "The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." (EDIT: Damnit, I see >>TitaniumDragon literally did the same opening line in his comment!)
This is a nifty little character scene. It fits the characters, and it's a great gesture on AJ's part, as mead takes a fair bit of time and effort to get right. But overall, there's not much more to it than that. A simple lament, and a new friend. It's well done for that flavor of simplicity, and on the upper part of my slate for it, but doesn't stand out quite enough to make the top.
This is a nifty little character scene. It fits the characters, and it's a great gesture on AJ's part, as mead takes a fair bit of time and effort to get right. But overall, there's not much more to it than that. A simple lament, and a new friend. It's well done for that flavor of simplicity, and on the upper part of my slate for it, but doesn't stand out quite enough to make the top.
Genre: Better Living Through Alcohol
Thoughts: Y'know what, this is a solid little story that hangs on a simple but well-executed character moment. I almost don't know what else to say here. It's a bit limited in its scope, which might tend to keep it out of my tippy-top tier. But it's very well-executed. Let me linger on one moment:
I love this little pause. Anytime you do something like this during a Minific, it's a risk, because you can easily end up burning wordcount that you can't afford to lose. But this is great. It's pitch perfect for the moment it's trying to support.
Plus... *cough*... hashtag I ship it
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Y'know what, this is a solid little story that hangs on a simple but well-executed character moment. I almost don't know what else to say here. It's a bit limited in its scope, which might tend to keep it out of my tippy-top tier. But it's very well-executed. Let me linger on one moment:
Applejack simply nodded, and the two of them stood in silence in the pleasantly cool autumn breeze. She considered the design of the runes, and thought they were pretty, in a simple kind of way.
I love this little pause. Anytime you do something like this during a Minific, it's a risk, because you can easily end up burning wordcount that you can't afford to lose. But this is great. It's pitch perfect for the moment it's trying to support.
Plus... *cough*... hashtag I ship it
Tier: Strong