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The Lies We Tell
The Lies We Tell
A single snowflake gently fell down, tumbling on an errant breeze. The flake twirled and came to rest on the nose of a young girl with wild pink hair, bringing a soft smile to her face. A moment later when the snowflake melted, the smile melted away with it. She looked up to the sky, the barest hint of a frown tugging at her expression. Turbulent grey clouds blotted out the Moon and the stars, bringing the world into a realm of shadows and darkness. The girl sighed and leaned forward, allowing gravity to pull her out of the window. The brief trip down sent adrenaline coursing through her veins. With a wild grin, she picked herself up and dusted herself off. There were a few new grass stains adorning her sweater, she didn’t even spare them a glance.
She walked up to the lone tree that dominated the barren front yard of her parents’ rock farm. It easily towered over her house, dwarfing the diminutive building beneath it. She placed her hand on the trunk of the tree and sighed as her hand idly caressed a carving in the withered trunk. A gentle breeze carried the girl’s secrets around the branches and among the few remaining leaves. A feeling of contentment resonated from the powerful life in the old tree, bringing forth fond memories and a ghost of a smile.
"Pinkie, dear, are you alright? What on Earth are you doing down there?" The girl's sky blue eyes snapped open. It took her a moment to realize that she must have dozed off among the roots of the old tree. She had a slight crick in her back from the awkward position she had lain in, but she was no stranger to pain and easily ignored this lesser ache.
With a sheepish blush, she hopped up and brushed herself off again, "Sorry, Rarity. I guess I spaced out for a bit!"
"You have nothing to be sorry for, I was the one running late."
"Guess we're both guilty then!" She paused for a second, “Can we both be guilty?”
Rarity smiled sweetly, “I suppose we could.” Pinkie beamed at her, hiding the anguish within her heart.
She pushed past the feeling, holding on to her mask. Her only life preserver in these raging rapids.
"Are you ready to go, Pinkie? It wouldn’t do to be late to our dinner reservations, now would it?"
The girl felt her mask once again slip into place and grinned at her closest friend. She lunged forward and grabbed Rarity’s hand, another lifeline in the storm.
"Let’s go then! I’m starving!"
Smiles are the easiest lies to sell, after all.
Muh thoughts - It feels like the tree is supposed to be important considering the amount of focus it’s given, but it’s simply a tree. It adds little to the story, so it’s just wasted words in my opinion.
Pinkie falls asleep feeling content, but then wakes up trying to hide her anguish? That sudden shift is jarring, and I don’t see any hints about the reason for her feeling that way. If she’s suffering from depression, then anguish is a bit too strong of a word to use.
Muh suggestions - The storm metaphor could have been moved to the beginning, setting a juxtaposition between it and the calm snow, which would mirror Pinkie’s inner feelings and her outward behavior.
You could have mentioned the rest of the Mane Six(if EqG, then seven?) as also being a source of stability for Pinkie. As it is, I’m left wondering why Rarity is closer to her than the others, since there’s no explanation or hint given. If the intention was for Rarity to be a lover or love interest, then I’d undertand, but the term “closest friend” isn’t a very strong indicator of that.
Pinkie falls asleep feeling content, but then wakes up trying to hide her anguish? That sudden shift is jarring, and I don’t see any hints about the reason for her feeling that way. If she’s suffering from depression, then anguish is a bit too strong of a word to use.
Muh suggestions - The storm metaphor could have been moved to the beginning, setting a juxtaposition between it and the calm snow, which would mirror Pinkie’s inner feelings and her outward behavior.
You could have mentioned the rest of the Mane Six(if EqG, then seven?) as also being a source of stability for Pinkie. As it is, I’m left wondering why Rarity is closer to her than the others, since there’s no explanation or hint given. If the intention was for Rarity to be a lover or love interest, then I’d undertand, but the term “closest friend” isn’t a very strong indicator of that.
The ending seems to suggest 'Pinkie is actually depressed and hiding it' which, to be honest, is something I could buy. The problem is that you're not selling it hard enough in the opening. We have a lot of description of trees and snowflakes and things, but the only hint of melancholy is that fading smile, which is almost immediately offset by a rush of adrenaline and a wild grin.
I dunno. Maybe I'm mis-reading this? I kinda feel like it's trying to go a half-dozen directions all at once, and not really nailing any one of them.
Oh, also, that huge first paragraph put me off a little. If you revise, consider trying for a better hook.
I dunno. Maybe I'm mis-reading this? I kinda feel like it's trying to go a half-dozen directions all at once, and not really nailing any one of them.
Oh, also, that huge first paragraph put me off a little. If you revise, consider trying for a better hook.
Pinkie Pie's homesick? Depressed? The tree symbolizes her childhood, or... something she's lost/left behind? It'd be easier to parse the intended message here if the dialogue carried even a hint of a double meaning.
It's a pretty piece, however. Middle-tier. A greater sense of clarity regarding the message/theme of the piece'd help.
It's a pretty piece, however. Middle-tier. A greater sense of clarity regarding the message/theme of the piece'd help.
Depressed Pinkie is depressed. Why? We don't know, and that's a problem for me. You see, because Pinkie isn't described as a depressed pony/human (it's quite the contrary), I need to know why her personnality is now the opposite of what I'm used to see. The only reason I can't really say that she is OoC is because it's something I've seen many times, so I'm starting to get used to it.
That's too bad because the rest is quite solid, and pretty great. The first half especially has this slow pace that helps describing Pinkie's feelings, but like I said, without a reason for her to be depressed, I can't really connect with her. And the second half feels a bit disconnected with the first.
If the focus of your story was supposed to be the people that smile despite their anxiety, I don't really see the point of the first part.
Whatever it is, there is only a bit of work to do here, because the core of the story is here.
That's too bad because the rest is quite solid, and pretty great. The first half especially has this slow pace that helps describing Pinkie's feelings, but like I said, without a reason for her to be depressed, I can't really connect with her. And the second half feels a bit disconnected with the first.
If the focus of your story was supposed to be the people that smile despite their anxiety, I don't really see the point of the first part.
Whatever it is, there is only a bit of work to do here, because the core of the story is here.
I, too, am confused.
The first scene describes her as a "young girl" on "her parents' rock farm", meaning that I'm mentally pegging her as not even in her teens. Her behavior seems to support this (although I suppose that, being Pinkie, she could just be acting like a kid). Then, in the second scene, she wakes up both knowing Rarity and having dinner reservations with her, which is a giant time skip forward. Yet it's the first scene in which the tree is described as "bringing forth fond memories". If first-scene Pinkie is that young, what's she remembering exactly? And if the present is in the second scene (which doesn't even call back to the first), why are we shown the first scene, making it about her remembering a time when she remembered things?
I guess I could see this trying to make the implication that Pinkie's depressed, but as others have noted, the details we're shown don't line up with that conclusion well. In the first scene, in order, Pinkie: smiles, frowns, sighs, wildly grins, sighs as she touches the tree, and smiles at its feeling of contentment. It's literally split down the middle between positive and negative emotions. The world is described as "a realm of shadows and darkness" and yet "A feeling of contentment resonated from the powerful life in the old tree". Half of those descriptions need to go.
I'll be curious to see where this one goes after editing for consistency. Unfortunately, right now, I can't even tell what it's trying to do.
Thank you for entering, regardless! The Writeoffs are a great place for experimentation — and sometimes that means you take a chance on writing things a certain way, and it bounces off the audience, and you learn from it and move on. A couple of my own experiments haven't worked lately, either, so I feel your pain. I'm grateful you took this chance and hope to see you try again!
The first scene describes her as a "young girl" on "her parents' rock farm", meaning that I'm mentally pegging her as not even in her teens. Her behavior seems to support this (although I suppose that, being Pinkie, she could just be acting like a kid). Then, in the second scene, she wakes up both knowing Rarity and having dinner reservations with her, which is a giant time skip forward. Yet it's the first scene in which the tree is described as "bringing forth fond memories". If first-scene Pinkie is that young, what's she remembering exactly? And if the present is in the second scene (which doesn't even call back to the first), why are we shown the first scene, making it about her remembering a time when she remembered things?
I guess I could see this trying to make the implication that Pinkie's depressed, but as others have noted, the details we're shown don't line up with that conclusion well. In the first scene, in order, Pinkie: smiles, frowns, sighs, wildly grins, sighs as she touches the tree, and smiles at its feeling of contentment. It's literally split down the middle between positive and negative emotions. The world is described as "a realm of shadows and darkness" and yet "A feeling of contentment resonated from the powerful life in the old tree". Half of those descriptions need to go.
I'll be curious to see where this one goes after editing for consistency. Unfortunately, right now, I can't even tell what it's trying to do.
Thank you for entering, regardless! The Writeoffs are a great place for experimentation — and sometimes that means you take a chance on writing things a certain way, and it bounces off the audience, and you learn from it and move on. A couple of my own experiments haven't worked lately, either, so I feel your pain. I'm grateful you took this chance and hope to see you try again!