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Gambit Pileup
Pinkie Pie realized in short order that she had not just been set on fire upon jumping into the new bed that Rainbow Dash had gotten her.
She realized that Rainbow Dash had managed to construct a perfect facsimile of a bed made out of packed snow. It’s very hard for snow to light you on fire―last time Pinkie checked at least.
Pinkie giggled a bit as she took the chance to drag her legs and make some snow angels. It would be poor form for her to pass up this chance.
“Hey, Gummy,” she asked mid-snow-angel-making, “how should we get Dashie back for this?”
Gummy’s silence spoke volumes.
Pinkie got out of her snowpile and walked over to rub Gummy on his back. “Good thinking, but I don’t think chainsaws work when liquefied.” She giggled. “Do you have any other ideas?”
Gummy stared into the distance, the only thing blocking his vision an errant tongue-flick across his eyes.
“Well,” Pinkie said while toweling herself off, “potatoes can see you coming, so that idea’s out.” She sat down and put on her thinking face. And her thinking cap. “Hmmm…”
She licked her lips.
An idea came to her, or from Gummy. She wasn’t sure, but one of them had come up with a great idea. She squealed with delight as she took off her thinking face and thinking cap and hugged the baby alligator.
“This is gonna be great!”
Rainbow Dash leered at the Pinkie Pie sitting across from her at the Friendship Table-Map-Whatever, currently pouring out two mugs of frothing cider from a previously sealed barrel. She examined the mug that Pinkie slid across the table in front of her, then at Pinkie, who took a sip and inhaled through her teeth.
“Oh yeah,” Pinkie said as she sniff-snorted, “this is the good stuff.” She leaned across the table and waggled her eyebrows at Dash. “The stuff they don’t give to foals.”
Rainbow ran a hoof through her mane. She was pretty sure this was some kind of prank.
But if this obviously looked like a prank, then it can’t be a prank.
Unless Pinkie was relying on Dash ruling out that this was a prank because it looked like a prank in order to prank her. The double subterfuge gamit.
She looked up at Pinkie, who took small, controlled sips of her own mug while smiling.
“Come on, Dashie,” Pinkie said, “do you know how hard it was to convince Applejack to pull out this barrel?”
Rainbow Dash snickered. “Yeah, this barrel only comes out on special occasions, like Hearth’s Warming.”
So, was Pinkie not pranking her, or was this a double subterfuge layered with an emotional appeal?
Or maybe the prank was that she would pin the blame on Rainbow Dash for taking Applejack’s special cider without her permission.
Pinkie hummed through another sip of cider. “Usually you’re all over free cider. What’s up?”
Rainbow’s gaze darted around the room. Should she reveal her reservations?
Perhaps by revealing that she suspects it’s a prank, she could catch a subtle nonverbal cue that she could latch onto and reveal the farce. Conversely, she might hurt Pinkie’s feelings by accusing her of pranking when no prank was occurring.
Or, most likely, Pinkie Pie would just laugh and brush it off.
…she could refuse the cider, but if this was really a gift, she’d also hurt Pinkie’s feelings. But if it was a prank, the next one would be more severe to make up for losing this chance.
And Pinkie Pie would just brush it off.
Rainbow Dash realized the inevitability of her choice as she grabbed the mug and put on her best winning smile.
“Bottoms up!” she said as she took a measured sip. No adulterants detected, upon which she downed the whole mug.
It was indeed the special cider they don’t serve to the foals.
“Wow, I forgot how much I liked―”
Her next words were cut off by a deluge of cake.
Rainbow Dash took slow, controlled breaths as she wiped the cake from her eyes to see Pinkie pouring herself another mug of cider while wearing her signature grin.
Pinkie looked Rainbow dead in the eyes, Rainbow herself returning a molten gaze.
Then they burst into laughter.
Dash’s laughter ceased as she felt her mouth inflame, drawing out a sharp growl.
Pinkie chuckled as she took another sip, her eyes watering as she inhaled through her teeth. She then winked at Rainbow Dash.
“Gotcha.”
She realized that Rainbow Dash had managed to construct a perfect facsimile of a bed made out of packed snow. It’s very hard for snow to light you on fire―last time Pinkie checked at least.
Pinkie giggled a bit as she took the chance to drag her legs and make some snow angels. It would be poor form for her to pass up this chance.
“Hey, Gummy,” she asked mid-snow-angel-making, “how should we get Dashie back for this?”
Gummy’s silence spoke volumes.
Pinkie got out of her snowpile and walked over to rub Gummy on his back. “Good thinking, but I don’t think chainsaws work when liquefied.” She giggled. “Do you have any other ideas?”
Gummy stared into the distance, the only thing blocking his vision an errant tongue-flick across his eyes.
“Well,” Pinkie said while toweling herself off, “potatoes can see you coming, so that idea’s out.” She sat down and put on her thinking face. And her thinking cap. “Hmmm…”
She licked her lips.
An idea came to her, or from Gummy. She wasn’t sure, but one of them had come up with a great idea. She squealed with delight as she took off her thinking face and thinking cap and hugged the baby alligator.
“This is gonna be great!”
Rainbow Dash leered at the Pinkie Pie sitting across from her at the Friendship Table-Map-Whatever, currently pouring out two mugs of frothing cider from a previously sealed barrel. She examined the mug that Pinkie slid across the table in front of her, then at Pinkie, who took a sip and inhaled through her teeth.
“Oh yeah,” Pinkie said as she sniff-snorted, “this is the good stuff.” She leaned across the table and waggled her eyebrows at Dash. “The stuff they don’t give to foals.”
Rainbow ran a hoof through her mane. She was pretty sure this was some kind of prank.
But if this obviously looked like a prank, then it can’t be a prank.
Unless Pinkie was relying on Dash ruling out that this was a prank because it looked like a prank in order to prank her. The double subterfuge gamit.
She looked up at Pinkie, who took small, controlled sips of her own mug while smiling.
“Come on, Dashie,” Pinkie said, “do you know how hard it was to convince Applejack to pull out this barrel?”
Rainbow Dash snickered. “Yeah, this barrel only comes out on special occasions, like Hearth’s Warming.”
So, was Pinkie not pranking her, or was this a double subterfuge layered with an emotional appeal?
Or maybe the prank was that she would pin the blame on Rainbow Dash for taking Applejack’s special cider without her permission.
Pinkie hummed through another sip of cider. “Usually you’re all over free cider. What’s up?”
Rainbow’s gaze darted around the room. Should she reveal her reservations?
Perhaps by revealing that she suspects it’s a prank, she could catch a subtle nonverbal cue that she could latch onto and reveal the farce. Conversely, she might hurt Pinkie’s feelings by accusing her of pranking when no prank was occurring.
Or, most likely, Pinkie Pie would just laugh and brush it off.
…she could refuse the cider, but if this was really a gift, she’d also hurt Pinkie’s feelings. But if it was a prank, the next one would be more severe to make up for losing this chance.
And Pinkie Pie would just brush it off.
Rainbow Dash realized the inevitability of her choice as she grabbed the mug and put on her best winning smile.
“Bottoms up!” she said as she took a measured sip. No adulterants detected, upon which she downed the whole mug.
It was indeed the special cider they don’t serve to the foals.
“Wow, I forgot how much I liked―”
Her next words were cut off by a deluge of cake.
Rainbow Dash took slow, controlled breaths as she wiped the cake from her eyes to see Pinkie pouring herself another mug of cider while wearing her signature grin.
Pinkie looked Rainbow dead in the eyes, Rainbow herself returning a molten gaze.
Then they burst into laughter.
Dash’s laughter ceased as she felt her mouth inflame, drawing out a sharp growl.
Pinkie chuckled as she took another sip, her eyes watering as she inhaled through her teeth. She then winked at Rainbow Dash.
“Gotcha.”
Something about internal monologues analyzing situations like this makes me happy. Ya, I really liked this one.
In the first l paragraph, I initially read 'not just been set on fire' as 'not only been set on fire.' As this was apparently accomplished by a snow bed, needless to say, I was confused.
The dialog and characterization was amusing, both the one-sided bit with gummy and the Rainbow's perspective.
I was figuring that the prank was Rainbow outthinking herself and then missing out on the cider as a result.
The cake twist was amusing, but then I wasn't sure what actually happened with the drink apparently being hot. Was there some foreshadowing I missed, or is it just really potent?
The dialog and characterization was amusing, both the one-sided bit with gummy and the Rainbow's perspective.
I was figuring that the prank was Rainbow outthinking herself and then missing out on the cider as a result.
The cake twist was amusing, but then I wasn't sure what actually happened with the drink apparently being hot. Was there some foreshadowing I missed, or is it just really potent?
I really like the voicing, and I really liked the flow as well. That bit where Dash was wondering if Pinkie pranked her cider was pretty much the perfectly paced; long enough to instill a real sense of suspense, but short enough for the confines of a minific.
My biggest complaint would that be payoff just doesn't feel like very much to me. There's nothing wrong with ultra-low-stakes stuff, but it kind of sets up the reader to expect a twist or something. Since the ending plays it pretty straightforward, it felt a bit underwhelming to me. In the end, the story was definitely easy to digest, but I don't know if it has a lot of sticking power.
My biggest complaint would that be payoff just doesn't feel like very much to me. There's nothing wrong with ultra-low-stakes stuff, but it kind of sets up the reader to expect a twist or something. Since the ending plays it pretty straightforward, it felt a bit underwhelming to me. In the end, the story was definitely easy to digest, but I don't know if it has a lot of sticking power.
Laid back. Whimsical. All in all, not bad if you're interested in a pleasant, simple affair. That said, I doubt this will have much presence in the Writeoff in general because, let's face it, it doesn't do much of anything.
My only criticism as far as the writing goes is that some things should have been clearer. I had to reread the first two paragraphs several times to understand what the 'fire' was all about, and I had to re-read the end several times to figure out where the 'deluge of cake' was coming from.
My only criticism as far as the writing goes is that some things should have been clearer. I had to reread the first two paragraphs several times to understand what the 'fire' was all about, and I had to re-read the end several times to figure out where the 'deluge of cake' was coming from.
>>Caliaponia
Echoing this, the first sentence was a nightmare to read and understand. The section "that she had not just been set on fire upon" is 10 words of three or four letters, and they form a jumble of excess mush.
The rest was pretty nonsensical, but that's actually a pretty good way to write Pinkie.
Echoing this, the first sentence was a nightmare to read and understand. The section "that she had not just been set on fire upon" is 10 words of three or four letters, and they form a jumble of excess mush.
The rest was pretty nonsensical, but that's actually a pretty good way to write Pinkie.
You should probably cut the entire scene and then reposition it so the "this is probably a prank" is a little closer to the beginning to serve as a better hook and get right into the story.