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It's Probably Telling
"That's exactly what happened to me. I went out on a skiff last summer with my sister..."
I smirk as I sip some water. Benny seems to be good at this.
It's the end of day one of my first writing workshop here in Georgia, and I love it. So many people passionate about writing, and structuring stories, and getting insights into the human condition and shit. There's a fire in everyone's eyes, this exciting energy pulsing throughout the whole day.
Benny is the epicenter of it. He's a tall man, with a beard as big and thick as his personality. His eyebrow twitches when he gets excited. It's great. He goes in for the big finish to his boating story. Our circle of strangers erupts in laughter.
A smaller man, Jeremy, chimes in. "That's happened to me, too! My aunt goes boating every summer, and one time, there was this intense storm rolling in from south of the lake..."
I want to chime in, too. I've never been boating, but I want to share the energy. I want to take a huge bite of the conversation like a thick steak sandwich.
But I've never been boating, so I smile and listen.
The chatter dies down. I jump in. "Speaking of-"
"I know what you mean," Benny says. "This one time, when I was in Alabama..."
Of course. I put on a smile to blend in with the other writers at our table.
Day one of some big writing workshop in California. The workshop part was fine, but not really the rest. Had to drive nineteen hours for this, with Benny in the passenger seat talking my ear off the whole time. Not sure I'll do it next year.
There's a woman next to me, the only one who hasn't touched her pizza. She takes a sip of water from her plastic cup. She doesn't seem to be paying attention to Benny's story, either.
I wait until we make eye contact, then wave. "Hey. I'm Dean," I say, quiet enough to not interrupt Benny.
"Sam," she says, offering her hand. I shake it. She grips weakly.
"Long day?" I ask, hoping for a yes.
Sam shrugs. "Lots of conversations today. I'm just not used to it."
I chuckle. She's tired. "Everyone wants to tell a story today, but no one actually listens," I say, making the subtlest of gestures towards Benny. " 'All writers are vain', right?"
"That's... um..." Her smile fades and she looks to the center of the table. "...kind of rude," she almost whispers.
Shit. I turn away too. Damnit.
Benny gets to the big finish and everyone at the table glances at everyone else, feeding off each others' reactions. A man across the table looks to me.
I put on another smile. The man almost takes it as permission. "That reminds me, my dad went dirt biking once..."
"Hey, Dean!" Benny exclaims. He stands up and shakes my hand. He's shaven. "Haven't seen you in years!"
I smile and shake Benny's hand. "Yeah, it's been a while." I look around the giant circle of chairs. "Been even longer since I've gone to one of these things."
I'm not sure why I came. Closure for the death of my little writing career, I guess.
I should've expected Benny to be there. I saw him earlier that day, standing in front of a sizeable booth with a giant picture of his book on it, like a backdrop to his own little twenty-square-foot theater.
"You're published and everything," I say.
He strokes his chin and nods. His eyebrow twitches. It's annoying. "Yeah, first best-seller. I'm so excited. And guess what? I'm hosting one of the workshops here. It's on dynamic characters." His laugh trails off. "Hard to believe it."
I nod. "Yeah."
He glances down at my hands. They're empty. "Hey, um, if you brought a draft of something, we could workshop it here. Or I could, you know, take a look at it personally."
I sigh. The one time someone wants to hear my story. "Thanks," I say, smiling, "but I stopped writing a while ago. I appreciate the offer, though."
"No problem," Benny says, offering me a seat next to him. "We're about to start soon, if you'd like to listen in."
I sit down and stare at a spot on the carpet, and I listen.
Benny rubs his hands. "Okay, everyone, let's start. I want to begin with a story. This one time..."
I smirk as I sip some water. Benny seems to be good at this.
It's the end of day one of my first writing workshop here in Georgia, and I love it. So many people passionate about writing, and structuring stories, and getting insights into the human condition and shit. There's a fire in everyone's eyes, this exciting energy pulsing throughout the whole day.
Benny is the epicenter of it. He's a tall man, with a beard as big and thick as his personality. His eyebrow twitches when he gets excited. It's great. He goes in for the big finish to his boating story. Our circle of strangers erupts in laughter.
A smaller man, Jeremy, chimes in. "That's happened to me, too! My aunt goes boating every summer, and one time, there was this intense storm rolling in from south of the lake..."
I want to chime in, too. I've never been boating, but I want to share the energy. I want to take a huge bite of the conversation like a thick steak sandwich.
But I've never been boating, so I smile and listen.
The chatter dies down. I jump in. "Speaking of-"
"I know what you mean," Benny says. "This one time, when I was in Alabama..."
Of course. I put on a smile to blend in with the other writers at our table.
Day one of some big writing workshop in California. The workshop part was fine, but not really the rest. Had to drive nineteen hours for this, with Benny in the passenger seat talking my ear off the whole time. Not sure I'll do it next year.
There's a woman next to me, the only one who hasn't touched her pizza. She takes a sip of water from her plastic cup. She doesn't seem to be paying attention to Benny's story, either.
I wait until we make eye contact, then wave. "Hey. I'm Dean," I say, quiet enough to not interrupt Benny.
"Sam," she says, offering her hand. I shake it. She grips weakly.
"Long day?" I ask, hoping for a yes.
Sam shrugs. "Lots of conversations today. I'm just not used to it."
I chuckle. She's tired. "Everyone wants to tell a story today, but no one actually listens," I say, making the subtlest of gestures towards Benny. " 'All writers are vain', right?"
"That's... um..." Her smile fades and she looks to the center of the table. "...kind of rude," she almost whispers.
Shit. I turn away too. Damnit.
Benny gets to the big finish and everyone at the table glances at everyone else, feeding off each others' reactions. A man across the table looks to me.
I put on another smile. The man almost takes it as permission. "That reminds me, my dad went dirt biking once..."
"Hey, Dean!" Benny exclaims. He stands up and shakes my hand. He's shaven. "Haven't seen you in years!"
I smile and shake Benny's hand. "Yeah, it's been a while." I look around the giant circle of chairs. "Been even longer since I've gone to one of these things."
I'm not sure why I came. Closure for the death of my little writing career, I guess.
I should've expected Benny to be there. I saw him earlier that day, standing in front of a sizeable booth with a giant picture of his book on it, like a backdrop to his own little twenty-square-foot theater.
"You're published and everything," I say.
He strokes his chin and nods. His eyebrow twitches. It's annoying. "Yeah, first best-seller. I'm so excited. And guess what? I'm hosting one of the workshops here. It's on dynamic characters." His laugh trails off. "Hard to believe it."
I nod. "Yeah."
He glances down at my hands. They're empty. "Hey, um, if you brought a draft of something, we could workshop it here. Or I could, you know, take a look at it personally."
I sigh. The one time someone wants to hear my story. "Thanks," I say, smiling, "but I stopped writing a while ago. I appreciate the offer, though."
"No problem," Benny says, offering me a seat next to him. "We're about to start soon, if you'd like to listen in."
I sit down and stare at a spot on the carpet, and I listen.
Benny rubs his hands. "Okay, everyone, let's start. I want to begin with a story. This one time..."
I would delete the last three paragraphs, or structure it in some way so that the "someone wants to hear my story"/"I stopped writing" dichotomy lands at the very end. That will give the story more impact. As it stands Benny washes over it and you're swept up in what he has to say. Which would be ideal if this was Benny's story, but it's not.
Ooh, writing about writing... let's do the meta tango!
Okay, yep, and we loop back on the title.
So, this feels like the sort of thing that would be written at a writing workshop. The prose is quick and bouncy, but gives a lot of character for the short word count. Very well written in that regard.
But the story itself just doesn't do much for me. Benny is pushy and cuts Dean off at the start. At the end, the same. I know it's a matter of preference, but I prefer a change/twist/growth at/near the end. I suppose Dean learning to accept the "listener" role is a form of growth, but it's unsatisfying to me.
Okay, yep, and we loop back on the title.
So, this feels like the sort of thing that would be written at a writing workshop. The prose is quick and bouncy, but gives a lot of character for the short word count. Very well written in that regard.
But the story itself just doesn't do much for me. Benny is pushy and cuts Dean off at the start. At the end, the same. I know it's a matter of preference, but I prefer a change/twist/growth at/near the end. I suppose Dean learning to accept the "listener" role is a form of growth, but it's unsatisfying to me.
Strong characterization supported by evocative wordplay with a solid three-part structure detailing the movement of the main character's opinions. The note of Benny's eyebrow twitch becoming annoying is a great example of this (and certainly something I can relate to in some respects). I will admit it didn't really enrapture me quite as much as Benny did his audience, but I do appreciate the craft and skill put into it.
First off, I don't see the connection to the prompt™.
Ok, I can totes relate to the guy, being myself the total opposite of “pushy”g. The characterisation here is pretty strong, as Ion Storm notes. I agree with Xepher, though, that nothing really changes. Years later, the characters are still the same, except Dean who quit.
So, I don't know. I mean, I could easily get the takeaway here as: “be pushy and loud, you’ll succeed in writing by trampling on those who don’t dare speak up”. But I’m sure that’s not what you intended. Did you mean that every successful author is loud and vain? I’m a bit lost.
Ok, I can totes relate to the guy, being myself the total opposite of “pushy”g. The characterisation here is pretty strong, as Ion Storm notes. I agree with Xepher, though, that nothing really changes. Years later, the characters are still the same, except Dean who quit.
So, I don't know. I mean, I could easily get the takeaway here as: “be pushy and loud, you’ll succeed in writing by trampling on those who don’t dare speak up”. But I’m sure that’s not what you intended. Did you mean that every successful author is loud and vain? I’m a bit lost.
Yeah, this is a nice three-part snapshot of a successful writer's life. Benny sticks with it, keeps putting himself out there, even after long hours, even when it costs him some friends who get turned off, and eventually makes it big (while still keeping his door open for everyone!) It's not super dramatic, writing about writing is the path of least resistance, a lot of the development is observed at odd angles from a distance, and the conflict is very understated, but this is pretty all right. Got me cheering for him!
... Oh hang on, the director's whispering in my ear. What? People are saying Benny's not the hero? We're supposed to sympathize with Dean, the self-absorbed, passive-aggressive POV character? Oh... oh. Mm. I, uh, I dunno about that one. Dean's kind of a jerk.
You can see the difference between them right here. Dean tries to forge a connection by breaking Benny down, while Benny's busy telling stories that get people to build each other up with mutual enthusiasm. And, mind you, there's no way Benny doesn't know what Dean thinks of him. I've done those nineteen hour car rides, you can tell when someone's not into it. But Benny lets it go, does his best anyway, and keeps trying to encourage Dean when they meet later in life.
Minifics don't have a lot of room for subtlety, and when you lead with the POV character expressing strong opinions, most of the audience is going to go along with them uncritically, either via natural flow or trying to guess the author's intent. I don't know what the author's intent was here, I can't honestly guess whether we're "meant" to sympathize with Dean or Benny - but I also don't much care what the author intended. The words on the page stand by themselves. What I do care about here is clarity and execution, so unfortunately I have to count the ambiguous potential reads as a major drawback for this piece.
While that is a big deal, the rest of the piece is fairly solid. Good details, good characterizations (but maybe unintentionally so!), good format. Second biggest downside (arguably first, really, but I had to do the whole spiel above to bring focus to the reads) is that the hook is very weak. The piece could stand to trim around 150-200 words, drop some of the repetition and extraneous descriptions. Make things punchier, especially up front, and that will go towards fixing the hook at the same time. I don't understand the title. There's also no clear connection to the prompt... but eh, the prompt this round is so disappointingly weak that I can't bring myself to care; this is at least better than another "touching moment before the apocalypse" or "last thoughts of a dying person."
Overall a decent effort, probably going to wind up mid-high for me. Thanks for writing!
(And if the author or other readers do sympathize with Dean... don't. Be more Benny. You can be quiet and still make yourself heard in the right moments, if you're looking the right way and trying to build people up and increase enthusiasm. That's a different story, though.)
... Oh hang on, the director's whispering in my ear. What? People are saying Benny's not the hero? We're supposed to sympathize with Dean, the self-absorbed, passive-aggressive POV character? Oh... oh. Mm. I, uh, I dunno about that one. Dean's kind of a jerk.
"That's... um..." Her smile fades and she looks to the center of the table. "...kind of rude," she almost whispers.
...
Benny gets to the big finish and everyone at the table glances at everyone else, feeding off each others' reactions.
You can see the difference between them right here. Dean tries to forge a connection by breaking Benny down, while Benny's busy telling stories that get people to build each other up with mutual enthusiasm. And, mind you, there's no way Benny doesn't know what Dean thinks of him. I've done those nineteen hour car rides, you can tell when someone's not into it. But Benny lets it go, does his best anyway, and keeps trying to encourage Dean when they meet later in life.
Minifics don't have a lot of room for subtlety, and when you lead with the POV character expressing strong opinions, most of the audience is going to go along with them uncritically, either via natural flow or trying to guess the author's intent. I don't know what the author's intent was here, I can't honestly guess whether we're "meant" to sympathize with Dean or Benny - but I also don't much care what the author intended. The words on the page stand by themselves. What I do care about here is clarity and execution, so unfortunately I have to count the ambiguous potential reads as a major drawback for this piece.
While that is a big deal, the rest of the piece is fairly solid. Good details, good characterizations (but maybe unintentionally so!), good format. Second biggest downside (arguably first, really, but I had to do the whole spiel above to bring focus to the reads) is that the hook is very weak. The piece could stand to trim around 150-200 words, drop some of the repetition and extraneous descriptions. Make things punchier, especially up front, and that will go towards fixing the hook at the same time. I don't understand the title. There's also no clear connection to the prompt... but eh, the prompt this round is so disappointingly weak that I can't bring myself to care; this is at least better than another "touching moment before the apocalypse" or "last thoughts of a dying person."
Overall a decent effort, probably going to wind up mid-high for me. Thanks for writing!
(And if the author or other readers do sympathize with Dean... don't. Be more Benny. You can be quiet and still make yourself heard in the right moments, if you're looking the right way and trying to build people up and increase enthusiasm. That's a different story, though.)
I'm a sucker for vivid characters like these and as someone who enjoys learning about writing but doesn't actually write much this story hits close to home.
I did enjoy this one a lot, even though I'd been taking the story at face value when I was reading it - e.g. Benny seemed like a really friendly dude at first, but Dean's negativity did influence my opinion of Benny (and I only recognized that after reading Ranmilia's comment.)
I did enjoy this one a lot, even though I'd been taking the story at face value when I was reading it - e.g. Benny seemed like a really friendly dude at first, but Dean's negativity did influence my opinion of Benny (and I only recognized that after reading Ranmilia's comment.)
Stories about writing are always a mixed-bag for me. On the one hand, they can be relateable tales of artistic struggle, showing just hard it is to get an artistic work out there. On the other, it can be self-aggrandizing dreck that lambasts society for not giving the writer the respect they so obviously deserve.
The chief problem with the story is that it feels like the latter tone. Dean is portrayed as repeatedly ignored by his fellow writers, but it also comes off as if he's just too timid to share his ideas. His attitude toward Benny at the end doesn't help, portraying Benny as a jerk because he had the gall to be a bit too talkative and a heavy participant in the workshops. It's hard to root for Dean when a large part of his problems come from his own actions (not participating in the workshop, ignoring Benny's ideas, insulting the other writers). And the thing is, it doesn't feel like the writer knows that Benny's unsympathetic. There's no brief reflection or internal dialogue that questions Benny's perception, just the easy assumption that he's the victim here.
A well-written tale, but one that fails in making its main hero heroic.
Also, the "writers are vain" quote is somewhat true, but I'd answer with a quote from Henry David Thoreau:
The chief problem with the story is that it feels like the latter tone. Dean is portrayed as repeatedly ignored by his fellow writers, but it also comes off as if he's just too timid to share his ideas. His attitude toward Benny at the end doesn't help, portraying Benny as a jerk because he had the gall to be a bit too talkative and a heavy participant in the workshops. It's hard to root for Dean when a large part of his problems come from his own actions (not participating in the workshop, ignoring Benny's ideas, insulting the other writers). And the thing is, it doesn't feel like the writer knows that Benny's unsympathetic. There's no brief reflection or internal dialogue that questions Benny's perception, just the easy assumption that he's the victim here.
A well-written tale, but one that fails in making its main hero heroic.
Also, the "writers are vain" quote is somewhat true, but I'd answer with a quote from Henry David Thoreau:
"I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience."
See >>Ranmilia.
I can see where some of the confusion comes from at the start of the second scene, but outside of that... Benny doesn't actually dominate the conversation much. We get him stepping on the main character once (which is a common issue when lots of people are biting at the opportunity to talk, and the fact that the main immediately backs down means it is questionable how much Benny is aware he stepped on it) and him being in the car with the main, who seems to have a bit of an axe to grind with Benny already, making his complaints about the trip questionable.
Also the really obvious point: for someone complaining about people not listening to stories, our narrator definitely doesn't listen to anyone's stories.
I can see where some of the confusion comes from at the start of the second scene, but outside of that... Benny doesn't actually dominate the conversation much. We get him stepping on the main character once (which is a common issue when lots of people are biting at the opportunity to talk, and the fact that the main immediately backs down means it is questionable how much Benny is aware he stepped on it) and him being in the car with the main, who seems to have a bit of an axe to grind with Benny already, making his complaints about the trip questionable.
Also the really obvious point: for someone complaining about people not listening to stories, our narrator definitely doesn't listen to anyone's stories.