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Wind and Rain · Original Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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El Sueño de la Razón
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#1 · 1
· · >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny
So, this entry is kinda about ponies, but it's really original fiction, but it's based on a pic about ponies submitted to an original fiction round.

I haven't been this confused ever since Quiet Boy and Moon Horse. :P

Overall, the characters here do a great job of coming across as charming and likable. I really do like the first-person narration, and even as a guy who usually turns my nose at meta stuff, I thought most of the self-referencing bits did carry their weight.

If I had to lodge complaints, I did think that the ending might have left things feeling a little over-resolved. Like from a plot perspective, the act of reuniting Pookums with Mrs. Jameson kills about four or five birds with one stone, which kind of stretched my suspension of disbelief.

My more minor complaint would be that the very beginning and the very ending definitely felt like the weakest meta bits to me. I, admittedly, do seem to have a lower tolerance for meta than most, so YMMV.

In the end, this held my attention all the way through and ended up being the kind of thing that pretty much everyone can easily enjoy. So that's definitely a win in my book.

Thanks for submitting!
#2 ·
·
I would've welcomed:

A wider scope at the end, too. Maybe Sammy could see that there's this larger world of mysterious spirit things out there and that he has some sort of regulatory role to play in it. Give me a little "call of destiny" there, and I'll be happy.

Mike
#3 ·
· · >>Baal Bunny >>Baal Bunny
Meredith == Mare (as shorthand.)

SUPER meta... not a fan.

Transform into a ... brooch? So full shape-shifter. Not just Changling.

Okay, doubling down on the meta... You either own it or you die by it.

Some nicely poetic bits about Meredith, but... Are we really expected to believe a corvid companion needs to google "carrion"?

Meta again, with the "thing like me" bit. Game-fucking-on!

"...Not a squish and not a splash but something distinctly related." That should be added to the Thog-O-Matic!

WTF? This was very solid until this point. But suddenly I feel the author took off and got drunk. I had to re-read here several times to sync up.

And we're back... fantastic prose, following non-sense... onward!

And "we" know what a human hand is.

...Lots of stuff... Yeah, it won me over.

I'm reading all this is some solid Downton Abbey accents.


"Before someone texts the city's health inspectors?" really throws the sense of time out of wack. Until now, this was "Downton Abbey" or some fantasy world of similar timeline. "Texts" as a verb breaks all that.

"Time and a place..." crow-on-human sex? Okay, I guess...
"Derpy" and the meta compounds again. WTF?


There was some amazing writing in this story. It could literally stand on its own. But the author dragged in this weird meta-narrative framing and Derpy/MLP on either end. Literally considering the artwork ("depressed pegasus" or something) would've played far better, in my opinion. Forcing a My Little Pony context here was a negative.

All that said, I've not (yet) read the other entry in this one-horse-town.
#4 ·
· · >>Super_Trampoline
Thanks, >>Bachiavellian and >>Xepher:

And the one other person who voted this round, if I'm reading the stats right...

This story came about entirely because of Super Trampoline's image. I had the same reaction as Sammy does and had to try writing a non-Pony story about it. I'm stripping out the Pony stuff and making the characters into Ploomy the pegasus from the My Little Mythos cartoon series, doing some different stuff with the ending, and then I'll start submitting it around to the various places I submit stuff. If none of them want it, I'll try FimFiction with the Derpy stuff put back in. So many options!

Mike
#5 ·
· · >>Baal Bunny
>>Baal Bunny

Glad to have inspired you with my not paying attention to what type of round it was. I'm just happy I managed to submit something for once!
#6 · 1
·
>>Bachiavellian
>>Xepher
>>Super_Trampoline
>>thebandbrony
>>Pascoite
>>KwirkyJ
>>GroaningGreyAgony

Folks:

If anyone's interested in reading what I turned this story into after the contest ran its course, it's now called "The Sleep of Reason" and has been posted on the Zooscape website. Thanks again for your continued comments on the projects I put together around here!

Mike