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Sold Down the River
Blueblood entered the audience room with a smug smile and eyes full of anticipant triumph. "You called me, Aunt?" he said with ratherly acted innocence. "Are you going to complain to me about card debts again?"
"You know very well why you are here, Blueblood," Celestia said coldly. "Explain to me the meaning of the incidents on the Canterlot Drawbridge."
"Incidents, incidents," Blueblood pondered, exaggeratedly tapping hoof against chin. "A hundred apologies, but I can't recall any particular incident at this time. If dear aunt could...?"
Celestia shot him a dirty look and unrolled a paper scroll. "I have received news that you ordered a pair of statues delivered to the drawbridge, depicting, and I quote, 'some sort of a hideous crocodilian creature.'"
Blueblood's smile waned slightly. "I'll definitely track down whoever's insulted my handsome visage in such a way," he muttered. Out loud, he added, "Yes, I'm afraid the common rabble doesn't appreciate true art and fears anything new."
"They take up half of the bridge's width," Celestia added annoyedly.
"Surely you see the merits of decorating the entry to the capital, to awe visitors and foreign dignitaries?"
"I believe there's more 'eww' than 'awe' to it," Celestia said under her breath, then unrolled another scroll. "In any case, I also hear that you have sent your cronies to the bridge in order to... collect an entry tax. The guards had to threaten them with jail to keep them from harassing the travellers." She looked at her nephew over the scroll's edge. "We have no entry tax."
Blueblood's smile began to wax once more. "You may not, but I do."
"What does it mean?"
Now it was Blueblood's grand hour. Slowly, deliberately, he took the most prized of his smug smiles out of his endless basement of self-satisfaction, and put it upon his face for all to see. "The drawbridge, you see, is mine."
The guards in the room gave each other surprised glances. Celestia's face was a mask of stone. "Explain."
"As it happens, aunt, I am the owner of the Canterlot River," Blueblood continues, "and I have the right to regulate its use. Since the drawbridge that provides the sole access to Canterlot happens to cross my river and impede the flow of my waterfall, I have the right to tax all movement across it, and make use of its space."
Puffing up like a blowfish and putting on his most prized smile, long maturated in the basement of his self-satisfaction, Blueblood held out a particularly elegant, floridly decorated paper. Celestia floated over the paper to herself and examined it closely.
"This says that you've been sold the river by..." Celestia's eyes narrowed. "Flim-Flam Associates Co.?" She let out a quiet relieved sigh.
"Yes," Blueblood answered. "A pair of honest business partners if I've ever seen any."
"And you truly believed they had the right to sell you the river?" Celestia said more idly, scanning the document closely.
"No doubt about that. They wouldn't have dared to cheat me, even if they" -- a sarcastic snort -- "had wanted to. Frankly, aunt, you may prize yourself on being a good judge of character, but neither am I deficient in this regard. I have an eye for trustworthy ponies."
"But it would seem you lack an eye for crucial detail," Celestia said, still looking at the paper.
Blueblood suddenly became aware of a grin budding on his aunt's face.
"W-What do you mean?" he asked, suddenly unsure of himself in the face of that portentous grin. "This is a legitimate transaction! It's got all the requisite signatures and..."
"That, I admit, is true," Celestia responds. "Misters Flim and Flam had every right to issue to you this paper."
This was not reassuring at all, not with the damnable grin. "See! So you admit it!" Blueblood responded with rising panic. There was an invisible, increasing tension in the air, like that of a punchline waiting to--
"Because... as it says down here in an astoundingly small typeface, in dark-purple letters on a black background... this is, and I quote, 'a novelty item, not for official use. Flim-Flam Assn. Co. is not responsible for any consequences stemming from the attempt to use this as a legitimate document of any sort...'"
--punch.
Blueblood opened and closed his mouth a few times, his babble blazing new ground in developmental linguistics, but doing nothing to improve his dignity.
"You will remove the statues from the bridge at your own cost," Celestia concluded.
"You know very well why you are here, Blueblood," Celestia said coldly. "Explain to me the meaning of the incidents on the Canterlot Drawbridge."
"Incidents, incidents," Blueblood pondered, exaggeratedly tapping hoof against chin. "A hundred apologies, but I can't recall any particular incident at this time. If dear aunt could...?"
Celestia shot him a dirty look and unrolled a paper scroll. "I have received news that you ordered a pair of statues delivered to the drawbridge, depicting, and I quote, 'some sort of a hideous crocodilian creature.'"
Blueblood's smile waned slightly. "I'll definitely track down whoever's insulted my handsome visage in such a way," he muttered. Out loud, he added, "Yes, I'm afraid the common rabble doesn't appreciate true art and fears anything new."
"They take up half of the bridge's width," Celestia added annoyedly.
"Surely you see the merits of decorating the entry to the capital, to awe visitors and foreign dignitaries?"
"I believe there's more 'eww' than 'awe' to it," Celestia said under her breath, then unrolled another scroll. "In any case, I also hear that you have sent your cronies to the bridge in order to... collect an entry tax. The guards had to threaten them with jail to keep them from harassing the travellers." She looked at her nephew over the scroll's edge. "We have no entry tax."
Blueblood's smile began to wax once more. "You may not, but I do."
"What does it mean?"
Now it was Blueblood's grand hour. Slowly, deliberately, he took the most prized of his smug smiles out of his endless basement of self-satisfaction, and put it upon his face for all to see. "The drawbridge, you see, is mine."
The guards in the room gave each other surprised glances. Celestia's face was a mask of stone. "Explain."
"As it happens, aunt, I am the owner of the Canterlot River," Blueblood continues, "and I have the right to regulate its use. Since the drawbridge that provides the sole access to Canterlot happens to cross my river and impede the flow of my waterfall, I have the right to tax all movement across it, and make use of its space."
Puffing up like a blowfish and putting on his most prized smile, long maturated in the basement of his self-satisfaction, Blueblood held out a particularly elegant, floridly decorated paper. Celestia floated over the paper to herself and examined it closely.
"This says that you've been sold the river by..." Celestia's eyes narrowed. "Flim-Flam Associates Co.?" She let out a quiet relieved sigh.
"Yes," Blueblood answered. "A pair of honest business partners if I've ever seen any."
"And you truly believed they had the right to sell you the river?" Celestia said more idly, scanning the document closely.
"No doubt about that. They wouldn't have dared to cheat me, even if they" -- a sarcastic snort -- "had wanted to. Frankly, aunt, you may prize yourself on being a good judge of character, but neither am I deficient in this regard. I have an eye for trustworthy ponies."
"But it would seem you lack an eye for crucial detail," Celestia said, still looking at the paper.
Blueblood suddenly became aware of a grin budding on his aunt's face.
"W-What do you mean?" he asked, suddenly unsure of himself in the face of that portentous grin. "This is a legitimate transaction! It's got all the requisite signatures and..."
"That, I admit, is true," Celestia responds. "Misters Flim and Flam had every right to issue to you this paper."
This was not reassuring at all, not with the damnable grin. "See! So you admit it!" Blueblood responded with rising panic. There was an invisible, increasing tension in the air, like that of a punchline waiting to--
"Because... as it says down here in an astoundingly small typeface, in dark-purple letters on a black background... this is, and I quote, 'a novelty item, not for official use. Flim-Flam Assn. Co. is not responsible for any consequences stemming from the attempt to use this as a legitimate document of any sort...'"
--punch.
Blueblood opened and closed his mouth a few times, his babble blazing new ground in developmental linguistics, but doing nothing to improve his dignity.
"You will remove the statues from the bridge at your own cost," Celestia concluded.
The joke in this story is amusing, but unfortunately, it really only has one joke. Up to that point, everything else in the story is pretty straightforward, and there isn't a lot to drive the reader forward. 750 words is a lot of buildup for a modestly amusing punchline, and so this story didn't grab me.
I believe you could resume why the whole story didn't work for me with a small part:
That bold part is too long. We're waiting for something, a payoff or simply the next part, but we have more than 50 words before finally having the ending. That's too long for the payoff to be effective. I believe half of comedy is about timing and this one falls just short to use a good timing. There isn't much work to do aside from that, the setup and the joke it is supposed to tell sounds funny enough.
like that of a punchline waiting to--
"Because... as it says down here in an astoundingly small typeface, in dark-purple letters on a black background... this is, and I quote, 'a novelty item, not for official use. Flim-Flam Assn. Co. is not responsible for any consequences stemming from the attempt to use this as a legitimate document of any sort...'"
--punch.
That bold part is too long. We're waiting for something, a payoff or simply the next part, but we have more than 50 words before finally having the ending. That's too long for the payoff to be effective. I believe half of comedy is about timing and this one falls just short to use a good timing. There isn't much work to do aside from that, the setup and the joke it is supposed to tell sounds funny enough.
The ending, unfortunately, fell apart with:
This is way too on-the-nose. The reader shouldn't need to be told the punchline is coming, they should just get hit with it.
I also found it dissatisfying that the explanation is a simple and obvious scam. For one, Blueblood should be thoroughly enough aware of how property and resource rights work to know that such a sale is implausible and to perform the due diligence - actually, that research and Blueblood trying to use what he finds out to maneuver and rationalize and parley some sort of concession for himself out of the supposed "sale", even if it's legally muddy, could be a pretty interesting story. But we don't get to see any of that, and I really wanted there to be some clever reasoning going on here for Princess Celestia to grapple with.
But the bit of letdown with the ending aside, most of what's here leading up is pretty good. The technical aspect to the writing has a few very minor rough spots, but is mostly solid.
There was an invisible, increasing tension in the air, like that of a punchline waiting to--
...
--punch.
This is way too on-the-nose. The reader shouldn't need to be told the punchline is coming, they should just get hit with it.
I also found it dissatisfying that the explanation is a simple and obvious scam. For one, Blueblood should be thoroughly enough aware of how property and resource rights work to know that such a sale is implausible and to perform the due diligence - actually, that research and Blueblood trying to use what he finds out to maneuver and rationalize and parley some sort of concession for himself out of the supposed "sale", even if it's legally muddy, could be a pretty interesting story. But we don't get to see any of that, and I really wanted there to be some clever reasoning going on here for Princess Celestia to grapple with.
But the bit of letdown with the ending aside, most of what's here leading up is pretty good. The technical aspect to the writing has a few very minor rough spots, but is mostly solid.
>>Winston
This might be subjective, but I am personall A-okay with the concept of Blueblood being too stupid and ignorant to pay attention to things like this. Fits with his "Royals Who Don't Do Anything" persona.
I mean. Seven seasons, and all he's done is piss off Rarity. In one episode. Cadance saved the world in her first appearance. Who, then, do you suppose Celestia loves more?
Echoing the previous comments: I also thought that the "punchline" bit was the weak link in the story, which I otherwise found very amusing. Drawing out the old "and I have a bridge to sell you" bit the way that you did worked well for the purposes of the story.
This is hanging out pretty high up on my ballot, for the time being. I can't, of course, guarantee that it'll stay there.
I also found it dissatisfying that the explanation is a simple and obvious scam. For one, Blueblood should be thoroughly enough aware of how property and resource rights work to know that such a sale is implausible and to perform the due diligence - actually, that research and Blueblood trying to use what he finds out to maneuver and rationalize and parley some sort of concession for himself out of the supposed "sale", even if it's legally muddy, could be a pretty interesting story. But we don't get to see any of that, and I really wanted there to be some clever reasoning going on here for Princess Celestia to grapple with.
This might be subjective, but I am personall A-okay with the concept of Blueblood being too stupid and ignorant to pay attention to things like this. Fits with his "Royals Who Don't Do Anything" persona.
I mean. Seven seasons, and all he's done is piss off Rarity. In one episode. Cadance saved the world in her first appearance. Who, then, do you suppose Celestia loves more?
Echoing the previous comments: I also thought that the "punchline" bit was the weak link in the story, which I otherwise found very amusing. Drawing out the old "and I have a bridge to sell you" bit the way that you did worked well for the purposes of the story.
This is hanging out pretty high up on my ballot, for the time being. I can't, of course, guarantee that it'll stay there.
I could remember this one from the title, so I agree with Posh on this: Blueblood seems like exactly this sort of pony. I liked seeing him act like a prat and then get his comeuppance, even if the "punchline" is too weak (long) to punch properly. I'll go ahead and educate myself about the real-life "selling the bridge" con, too, thanks to this story.
Genre: Shenanigans
Thoughts: I liked this, bottom line and full stop. Anytime we get a complete story in a minific round we should all give a little applause (cough Roger please up the limit to 1000 cough). I thought this made effective use of both its space and its comedic aspects. The "punchline waiting to punch" thing was particularly funny for me.
With that said, I do think that there are a couple of relatively small things bogging this down. First is some minor grammatical stuff, with a primary focus on adverbs. I'm not one of those extreme-super-anti-adverb people but even I have a point where it (eventually!) gets to be too much, and this goes there. Second is the ending, which is effective and punchy on the one hoof, but which I feel could have much better comic timing if it had a little more room to breathe. Given that a decent amount of the story serves as the buildup to that moment, you want that to hit as hard as it possibly can.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I liked this, bottom line and full stop. Anytime we get a complete story in a minific round we should all give a little applause (cough Roger please up the limit to 1000 cough). I thought this made effective use of both its space and its comedic aspects. The "punchline waiting to punch" thing was particularly funny for me.
With that said, I do think that there are a couple of relatively small things bogging this down. First is some minor grammatical stuff, with a primary focus on adverbs. I'm not one of those extreme-super-anti-adverb people but even I have a point where it (eventually!) gets to be too much, and this goes there. Second is the ending, which is effective and punchy on the one hoof, but which I feel could have much better comic timing if it had a little more room to breathe. Given that a decent amount of the story serves as the buildup to that moment, you want that to hit as hard as it possibly can.
Tier: Almost There