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ROY's Great Bum Prance
Red leafs slowly fall
The road, old orange donkey
Dull hooves yellowed
On green stones they tread
The blue skies above so clear
Purple poppies sway
This beast of burden
Trips and slips, down he plunges
The road breaks that ass
Ha!
The road, old orange donkey
Dull hooves yellowed
On green stones they tread
The blue skies above so clear
Purple poppies sway
This beast of burden
Trips and slips, down he plunges
The road breaks that ass
Ha!
Structured like a set of haiku, but that depends on people pronouncing "orange" as 2 syllables, which is hit or miss. Though "yellowed" also doesn't fit, since it's only 1 syllable unless you put the proper accent mark on it.
The first "the road" feels grammatically out of place. There's nothing around it that goes with it, so it feels interjected for no purpose other than to be able to refer back to it later. What does "they" refer to? It's plural, and the only plural thing mentioned so far is leaves, which wouldn't be treading on stones. Are you just using a non-gendered pronoun for the donkey? It's confusing. And I'm not sure about the plot. What about the road is making the donkey slip? If you had some background for what was going on, it'd make me more feel invested in what happens to find this sympathetic or funny, but it's more like a feghoot, where the only point is springing the joke at the end. I do like the pattern of going through the rainbow colors, and it took me a minute to notice that was given away in the title.
The first "the road" feels grammatically out of place. There's nothing around it that goes with it, so it feels interjected for no purpose other than to be able to refer back to it later. What does "they" refer to? It's plural, and the only plural thing mentioned so far is leaves, which wouldn't be treading on stones. Are you just using a non-gendered pronoun for the donkey? It's confusing. And I'm not sure about the plot. What about the road is making the donkey slip? If you had some background for what was going on, it'd make me more feel invested in what happens to find this sympathetic or funny, but it's more like a feghoot, where the only point is springing the joke at the end. I do like the pattern of going through the rainbow colors, and it took me a minute to notice that was given away in the title.