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#26143 ·
· on With a Terrible Brightness
A well thought out story. Might not have gone with the cake part mostly because all I get are allusions to Marie Antoinette and ... things didn't end well for her. Plus out of all the sections it just feels kind of tacked on. Having Raven show up to let Celestia know that she's rearranged her schedule is enough of an impetus for Raven to politely ask how Princess Celestia is doing especially if they are friendly enough as boss/assistant.

On a different note I could see how Dawn Star would think she wouldn't be executed. Given the past history of villains and Celestia ... she tends to go pretty soft on them all things considered. I could make a joke here that Dawn Star was instead sent to Skyrim where she founded her own city but I'll let that go.

Overall good work. Thanks for writing.
#26141 ·
· on Lazy Weekend
First off thank you for the story. I think it's a story with a lot of potential and it has some good things going for it. Generally speaking it has a nice tone that remains fairly consistent throughout. It also does a pretty accurate job of capturing the characters at these points in their lives.

I'd also like to compliment you on trying to do multiple tales at once. It can be difficult to weave all of it together and make it work. That's sort of my issue with it. I don't find myself really interested in what either Spike or Twilight are going through. Sunset's issues feel a lot more real and are more grounded they're a lot more fertile territory to cover. Plus it might be something to have Twilight and Sunset actually spend a weekend together at the cabin maybe hashing things out, perhaps Sunset even makes inquiries as to being a wizard but they're really just inquiries because other parts of life are happening here and it would mean maybe uprooting the family and whatnot.

Just a few thoughts. Thanks again for writing.
#25823 · 1
· on Night of a Thousand Stars · >>Bachiavellian
I had to read this story twice. If I'm being honest the first time I read it I got rather confused (honestly probably more of a me thing) with the first section of dialog and it soured me on it. However, I thought I was being unfair so I read it again. I'm glad I did because it really is a nice story. The descriptions are apt, the pacing is steady and the characters are enjoyable with a nice little lesson for Lily towards the end.

On a personal note I actually sort of felt bad for Jet Set I don't know if I'd wish a marriage to Upper Crust on anybody. Well, maybe Zephyr Breeze but I digress. I also kind of wish that Rarity had jabbed Upper Crust with a pin but that would have taken away from the story overall. Still if anybody deserve a pin in the rump ...

Again... I thought it was a nice story so kudos to you!
#25822 · 1
· on A Little Help
I think that this a story with really solid bones. I also think that it's a story that needs more meat on those bones. The idea of a middle age/slightly older Berry Punch working various jobs, having some family stuff going on is appealing. Heck the characters in the story are appealingly written.

The issues for me is that the scenarios that present themselves in the story are rushed through. A little more time spent on each scene would help. Why doesn't Berry Punch want to write a review of her daughter's restaurant? I don't remember a reason. Why doesn't her daughter realize her mother had an alcohol problem? Did she grow up and think it was normal behavior or something? What's the real problem between Button and And Ruby and so on.

If that sort of stuff can get brought forth more you'll have a really really good story here. As it stands it's still enjoyable I just wish there were more.
#25821 · 2
· on The Mare of La Mane'cha · >>Bachiavellian
It's a well done version of The Man of La Mancha with appropriate edits and changes throughout. It's an enjoyable read. What errors there are within the text (the occasional missing word) feel more like they are due more to the limitations of the word count and not the author.
#23394 · 1
· on Peanut Butter Chocolate · >>KwirkyJ >>libertydude
I enjoyed the story. Nice pacing and an effective use of dialog that pushes the narrative along to its ultimate conclusion.

I don't agree with the previous opinion that it is a story that is particularly somber piece that focuses on a character knowing things are falling apart and doesn't quite muster the strength to do something about it.

As far as I can tell it's the story of a guy who has a relationship with a girl and it's going well because they're just having fun (whatever that may be). She expresses deeper feelings for him than he has for her. He then more or less decides to get whatever he can out of how she feels for him that night before he'll ultimately break it off albeit over a short period of time.

Whatever negative feelings he has ultimately spring from the fact that he doesn't want to hurt her but he's going to. She's ultimately just a sometimes thing whose company he enjoys as such but that's really it. In a longer piece one could get into some of his psychology a bit more because the character has a little of that Tom Frank from Nashville in him. Kind of full of himself but also kind of hates himself too. That's where the rot lies.
#23389 · 1
· on Unknown Recipient
A nice little letter that is big on mood but left me wanting to know more. What was it on this particular day that happened that prompted the letter? We don't really know and maybe it's not important but then again maybe it is.

In some ways the story feels meta but in others it also feels like something somebody who wakes up one day to find a whole lot of life has happened or passed them by while they worked and now it's like you're doing what you do because you have to pay bills, get the kids out the door, clean up a mess, do what your boss or some other boss that you never interact with says and so on.

It's interesting.
#23388 · 1
· on At the Funeral Pyre
An interesting and well written piece. It reads like something I'd imagine Fluttershy would write. It's factual but a gentle recertation of how animals and pegasi handle death differently. The most negative thing I might say about it is that there is an error or two in it that frankly even after you read it over could miss. Nothing that is truly criminal though.
#23386 · 2
· on Meat
I enjoyed this story. I thought it packed a whole bunch of detail into the short format. Nothing felt wasted or extraneous. It could make for an interesting longer piece in which Twilight has to really deal with the baggage that has been placed upon her which honestly is quite considerable. You could even keep the ending somewhat similar in that really there is no happy or pat answer or solution to what had happened and what she'd hoped to get as some final answer just isn't there.

Just a thought anyway.
#20511 · 1
· on My Immortal
The story is fun. The only thing I'd consider changing is the Sex Mines part. Not because it's offensive or anything but I'd change it to Sex Farm because they're ponies ... and also for a Spinal Tap reference.
#16237 ·
· on White Lies · >>Anon Y Mous
I like this story Out of all of the stuff that I've read thus far it stood out the most. It's unique and the only one I can remember without having to pull up the story again. I think whatever flaws it really has could be hashed out with a few more words and just some general editing.

All in all though, I had a good time reading it. Frankly, for me that's the main thing.
#11624 · 2
· on To Be Forgotten
Well, in all seriousness it's okay to blow me or anyone else off. It's your story and you can write it however you want. At the end of the day, as long as you're happy with your work who cares what some yahoo from the internet thinks?
#11319 ·
· on Don't Ask
I saw the reveal coming but I was fine with that. Overall, I found it to be an interesting take on a subject that has been broached in a couple of other stories I've read. Personally I think this was handled quite well and even if it did at times get cutesy I had fun reading it.
#11318 · 1
· on My Pinkie Pie Moment
This was another story I enjoyed. I've been in your "shoes" little alligator. Add 250 words and should I find it I'll fave the hell out of it.
#11317 ·
· on Poetry for Children · >>Morning Sun
I thoroughly enjoyed this story.
#11316 ·
· on To Be Forgotten · >>Chris
Here's the problem with all of that. It's not what the author said in the story and it shouldn't matter what genre you're working in. Words have actual real meanings. It is the author's job to understand that and if he decides to stray from that meaning then he has to explain it.

This entire issue could be easily fixed. All Princess Celestia had to note was that Tirek's life had been extended due to his magical prowess. If that made the story too long then edits to Twilight's 500th birthday, the book, and Princess Celestia's goodbye could have been made and nothing would have been lost.
#11184 · 2
· on To Be Forgotten · >>Light_Striker >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Cold in Gardez >>Chris
This story has some nice lines in it. There is some fun back and forth between Tirek and Celestia. It's well written. The problem is that the story's premise/plot doesn't actually work upon basic inspection.

First, within the story Princess Celestia calls Tirek "Immortal." By definition that means he cannot die. However, if one ceases to exist that's death. It may not be a heart attack or an arrow through the head but it's death. Therefore IF we accept that Tirek can cease to exist that means he's not immortal. He might be invulnerable, he may not be able to die by means of time or injury but he's not immortal if he can cease to exist. Therefore, he is in fact mortal and all he has to do is remember himself and he's fine.

But let's say we don't want to follow that logic. Okay. Those who are members of the mortal races would have to remember him. Twilight Sparkle is a popular princess with immortality who has written an autobiography that includes him. The book will sell and Princess Celestia says that only a generation more will remember him if he's lucky. The book now becomes a historical document. Whenever someone new reads the book they would learn about Tirek and who he was to some degree. No matter how much time passes someone somewhere will read that book or have to study that book to some degree therefore Tirek would not cease to exist because some mortal would always know who he is.

This logic also would note that other ponies from the time probably kept journals, reports, and so on. Some giant red dude essentially stealing everyone's magic would be recorded somewhere. Add to the fact that Tirek is also a foreign born prince and chances are his people still exist and are mortal. There would be historical records of him there too. Chances are there are folks there who know who is there as well.

However, let's say neither of those ideas work for someone. Okay. Let's say he's immortal and blinks out of existence. What happens if after that happens he is remembered because of the slip of a tongue or again someone reads one of the books? Does he pop back into existence again? Considering the only rule is that if you're forgotten you cease to be, then the opposite must be true. If all of a sudden he's remembered he becomes again.

Anyway, I thought it was overall a reasonably entertaining piece. I just don't think that the plot worked.
#11132 · 2
· on Just Ignore It · >>The_Letter_J >>MLPmatthewl419
This... might work better if it weren't Twilight. She's lectured Spike about misusing dark magic (specifically in book form) before. So, why she'd fool around with it haphazardly is a mystery. The other issue is all she has to do is ask someone who knows how to get rid of the demons and considering her connections that's a letter or two away.

This would probably work better as a Trixie story due to her lack of knowledge on non show biz magic. She would make a mistake like this and might also be more willing to just ignore the problem until say Starlight shows up and is like WTF Trixie.

On the plus side it does have some nice lines and character interplay so that's good.
#11129 · 1
· on Dos Equines · >>AndrewRogue
It's not a story. It's a series of ad parodies.
#10947 · 1
· · >>MLPmatthewl419
Ha ha! Dust off that last place trophy folks! It's all mine!
#10930 · 5
William Antonelli died last year on Thanksgiving surrounded by loved ones. He was a Korean War vet who was an avid Steelers and Pirates fan. He was 83 years old.
#10904 · 2
It's time to unleash the power of Frank Stallone.
#10884 · 1
· on From Above
Have you ever written something and submitted it and as soon as you submitted it said to yourself, "Well, I messed that up. I should have done (fill in the blank with all of the things you should have could have done)." This story in a nutshell. I think the real lesson with this and the last eh few times I've done this is that I need to allow myself more time or pick better times to sit down and do these things.
#10745 · 1
· on Off the Top · >>Monokeras >>AndrewRogue
I think the story is technically fine. It's supposed to be a comedy with the over the top antagonist and all. I didn't personally find it funny. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I don't play card games, watch card games, watch shows about card games etc.

So, when I read the story it didn't draw me in in the slightest. I'm sure this story will have its fans and I'm sure it will do well with folks. It just didn't work for me.
#10744 · 1
· on Laborious · >>Not_A_Hat
Hercules never finds out about how he's going to get the apples here does he? Ah well it was still an enjoyable read from the myth. Solid all the way through.
Paging WIP