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The Psychopomp
This one here was my first foray into writing something original. Unfortunately, I was horribly hampered by lack of time. I had no more than three hours to come up with and write the story, and it resulted in going to work sleep-deprived that day.
Coming up with the story was... easy. More than that, I came up with a lot more that I had time for or even words if I did have the time. The Psychopomp, as a character, was indeed supposed to be distant. He is, for all intents and purposes, death, though his role is limited to guiding souls that pass on. He is an amalgamation of the Grim Reaper, Hermes, and Charon, a character who doesn't judge but is more similar to a tombstone. He is the eternal tombstone of everything that has died, never forgetting a single soul or what they say to him as they walk the road to infinity. He doesn't have a certain form, taking the shape that his wards are going to be more comfortable with, although he does show a preference. There were supposed to be a few more humanizing elements to him, a small desire for him to understand and experience further, but there simply wasn't enough time to portray this enough. I managed to insert a few, his tasting of the hero's feast for example or the sense of pride he feels for the father that keeps going.
The father and the hero were two of the three characters I wanted to insert. There was supposed to be a third one but I had to cut him out of the whole process. Again, time. There was a mirroring an opposite between the father and the hero, the hero marching through the roads challenges almost unhampered, while the father struggled and was mutilated. The hero did it for his own personal gain, the father only to say one last goodbye and hopefully somehow make his daughter know he was there. The hero doubted and turned back before claiming his prize, but the father went on. The last one, that was SUPPOSED to be there but I simply forgot to type down the defining line, was that the hero was the only one who managed this feat. The father was only the most recent of a multitude of souls who dared that journey and succeeded. Every tale of someone thinking he heard one last whisper, a dream after a loss, a feather touch while alone, they were all supposed to be the result of a lost loved one who went through all that for that brief, fading moment.
The ending was indeed an over-emotional mess. I had another one in mind, perhaps as over-emotional as that, but one that kind of merged the concept of infinity with the finite through the father's words to his child. He was supposed to say his goodbyes and become ready to depart, but the guide would always point him towards his child. There was going to be some interaction with the Psychopomp and at the end the father would simply reiterate his goodbyes, adding that he will always love his child. Then the road to the infinite would open and take him back, instantly taking him to the door.
I really wish I had the time to give everything its proper attention, or at least edit the damn thing. I didn't even manage a read over, and the experience has left me with the taste that I failed a good idea in the worst way possible.
This one here was my first foray into writing something original. Unfortunately, I was horribly hampered by lack of time. I had no more than three hours to come up with and write the story, and it resulted in going to work sleep-deprived that day.
Coming up with the story was... easy. More than that, I came up with a lot more that I had time for or even words if I did have the time. The Psychopomp, as a character, was indeed supposed to be distant. He is, for all intents and purposes, death, though his role is limited to guiding souls that pass on. He is an amalgamation of the Grim Reaper, Hermes, and Charon, a character who doesn't judge but is more similar to a tombstone. He is the eternal tombstone of everything that has died, never forgetting a single soul or what they say to him as they walk the road to infinity. He doesn't have a certain form, taking the shape that his wards are going to be more comfortable with, although he does show a preference. There were supposed to be a few more humanizing elements to him, a small desire for him to understand and experience further, but there simply wasn't enough time to portray this enough. I managed to insert a few, his tasting of the hero's feast for example or the sense of pride he feels for the father that keeps going.
The father and the hero were two of the three characters I wanted to insert. There was supposed to be a third one but I had to cut him out of the whole process. Again, time. There was a mirroring an opposite between the father and the hero, the hero marching through the roads challenges almost unhampered, while the father struggled and was mutilated. The hero did it for his own personal gain, the father only to say one last goodbye and hopefully somehow make his daughter know he was there. The hero doubted and turned back before claiming his prize, but the father went on. The last one, that was SUPPOSED to be there but I simply forgot to type down the defining line, was that the hero was the only one who managed this feat. The father was only the most recent of a multitude of souls who dared that journey and succeeded. Every tale of someone thinking he heard one last whisper, a dream after a loss, a feather touch while alone, they were all supposed to be the result of a lost loved one who went through all that for that brief, fading moment.
The ending was indeed an over-emotional mess. I had another one in mind, perhaps as over-emotional as that, but one that kind of merged the concept of infinity with the finite through the father's words to his child. He was supposed to say his goodbyes and become ready to depart, but the guide would always point him towards his child. There was going to be some interaction with the Psychopomp and at the end the father would simply reiterate his goodbyes, adding that he will always love his child. Then the road to the infinite would open and take him back, instantly taking him to the door.
I really wish I had the time to give everything its proper attention, or at least edit the damn thing. I didn't even manage a read over, and the experience has left me with the taste that I failed a good idea in the worst way possible.
An interesting concept though I can't help but think that I've seen this idea before, maybe more than once, though for the life of me I can't remember where. It's infuriating.
Personally, although there is some nice worldbuilding here, what with the hint that there is magic behind a more mundane world in a Harry Potter kind of way, it is so vague that it annoyed me. I wasn't sure how things were supposed to be or how out of the normal the interaction with the kid was or if that's how it often went, simply meeting each other and going their own way or a more organized system somewhere else or... Very, very vague with no hints to entice me to wonder what else is there getting me, as I said, annoyed.
Also, I'm not sure what the MC is supposed to be doing. Is following that thread going to get him somewhere where he can make a change, is he only supposed to see his own moments and what got him to his situation, is it simply a random occurence that he ends up at places he knows as he goes through... well, everything? We don't know, and I get the feeling that he doesn't know either. There's no plan, at least as I understood it, and he feels like a "leaf in the wind" protagonist that has been stripped of all possible action. I think this story would fit better a whole other different kind of story or prompt, perhaps one of powerlessness, rather than the current one.
Personally, although there is some nice worldbuilding here, what with the hint that there is magic behind a more mundane world in a Harry Potter kind of way, it is so vague that it annoyed me. I wasn't sure how things were supposed to be or how out of the normal the interaction with the kid was or if that's how it often went, simply meeting each other and going their own way or a more organized system somewhere else or... Very, very vague with no hints to entice me to wonder what else is there getting me, as I said, annoyed.
Also, I'm not sure what the MC is supposed to be doing. Is following that thread going to get him somewhere where he can make a change, is he only supposed to see his own moments and what got him to his situation, is it simply a random occurence that he ends up at places he knows as he goes through... well, everything? We don't know, and I get the feeling that he doesn't know either. There's no plan, at least as I understood it, and he feels like a "leaf in the wind" protagonist that has been stripped of all possible action. I think this story would fit better a whole other different kind of story or prompt, perhaps one of powerlessness, rather than the current one.
>>horizon
Gotta say that I agree with a lot of it. All in all I think that taking one of the two stories and running with it would work a lot better.
The beginning, I kinda rolled my eyes at. I'm sorry, but it felt like a space movie I've seen a hundred times before with a hundred different titles.
It didn't pique at any point, and it didn't give me the slightest sense of how much time had passed. How long has passed between the two narratives? A decade? Centuries?
All in all, it is a loss to speed it had to be written with, and a story too large in scope to be sufficiently told in so few words.
Gotta say that I agree with a lot of it. All in all I think that taking one of the two stories and running with it would work a lot better.
The beginning, I kinda rolled my eyes at. I'm sorry, but it felt like a space movie I've seen a hundred times before with a hundred different titles.
It didn't pique at any point, and it didn't give me the slightest sense of how much time had passed. How long has passed between the two narratives? A decade? Centuries?
All in all, it is a loss to speed it had to be written with, and a story too large in scope to be sufficiently told in so few words.
It started very good. Felt a small kinship as we all have at one point had an idea or a purpose overtake us to such a degree it makes everything else fade away, and the feeling that the end result of our work in not good enough. There's a connection there.
It kept going and going about his obsession but it didn't get boring. It dragged on, but it pulled me with it. I was interested, and I gladly read each line.
The amnesia shook me. It felt tacked on, like a pre-requisite that had to be put on for the sake of completing an arbitrary list of tropes that must be in a work. It also felt like there was nothing coming out of it, apart from losing his job. He had already made himself forget the girl, and he could have lost or quit his job in hundreds of better ways that this. You know that thing you do, when your lips twist in distaste and your eyebrows furl like so, your whole expression saying "really?" I did that.
The end was... lackluster. There wasn't an impact. I would have waited a revelation, the character being taken aback, his core screaming. Instead I got, "Oh, fyi she's gone, kktnxbb." There wasn't an escalation of emotion or anything, the pace remained the sedate one it was before. At least a feeling of giving up or despair, nothing. Life goes, and the obsession continues even while the character had such an insight. Perhaps that is how humans work, but... yeah.
It kept going and going about his obsession but it didn't get boring. It dragged on, but it pulled me with it. I was interested, and I gladly read each line.
The amnesia shook me. It felt tacked on, like a pre-requisite that had to be put on for the sake of completing an arbitrary list of tropes that must be in a work. It also felt like there was nothing coming out of it, apart from losing his job. He had already made himself forget the girl, and he could have lost or quit his job in hundreds of better ways that this. You know that thing you do, when your lips twist in distaste and your eyebrows furl like so, your whole expression saying "really?" I did that.
The end was... lackluster. There wasn't an impact. I would have waited a revelation, the character being taken aback, his core screaming. Instead I got, "Oh, fyi she's gone, kktnxbb." There wasn't an escalation of emotion or anything, the pace remained the sedate one it was before. At least a feeling of giving up or despair, nothing. Life goes, and the obsession continues even while the character had such an insight. Perhaps that is how humans work, but... yeah.
Kung Fu me, I got a good idea, but I had no time, and I don't believe I can do it justice. I only managed to spend three hours on it, and now I am tired, sleepy, and have to be to work in a few hours so I don't think I'll have time to edit it, short piece as it necessarily became to accommodate my awful powers of scheduling.
Oh well. I guess I can try, right? I mean, what does Yoda know anyway?
Oh well. I guess I can try, right? I mean, what does Yoda know anyway?
>>Trick_Question
It is satire on the whole concept of drinking alcohol from what I get and the effects you get from it which, when pointed out by a Flim Flam brother who are known scallywags out to pillage your pocket, sinks the point in even further. The prompt IS a bit off though. Maybe if the sixth paragraph had somehow merged in with the second to last it would make the connection with the prompt far stronger. As an avid non-alcohol drinker I quite see the anti-pitch done here.
It is satire on the whole concept of drinking alcohol from what I get and the effects you get from it which, when pointed out by a Flim Flam brother who are known scallywags out to pillage your pocket, sinks the point in even further. The prompt IS a bit off though. Maybe if the sixth paragraph had somehow merged in with the second to last it would make the connection with the prompt far stronger. As an avid non-alcohol drinker I quite see the anti-pitch done here.
>>TIAS_A1927
I'm thinking that the measures Celestia took to prevent Tirek from absorbing her magic if he found her was to remove her cutie marks, in the short term at least. Probably the reasoning is that since the cutie marks disappear when he absorbs a pony's magic(at least that's what I think happens), they act as a form of conduit. She wrote the messages on her own skin. That's why Luna felt the "parchment" was older than her.
I'm thinking that the measures Celestia took to prevent Tirek from absorbing her magic if he found her was to remove her cutie marks, in the short term at least. Probably the reasoning is that since the cutie marks disappear when he absorbs a pony's magic(at least that's what I think happens), they act as a form of conduit. She wrote the messages on her own skin. That's why Luna felt the "parchment" was older than her.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Considering how silly ideas often end up being great you might want to try nevertheless. Heck, I was trolling tvtropes today and I just learned that Terry Pratchett's character, Sam Vimes, was supposed to be something of a placeholder character, made up of cliches all stuck together until he became actually alive in his head. That's not counting how often I've seen guys in fimfiction be all like, "why did people like this story most out of everything I've written? It was a stupid idea! I didn't mean that!"
Considering how silly ideas often end up being great you might want to try nevertheless. Heck, I was trolling tvtropes today and I just learned that Terry Pratchett's character, Sam Vimes, was supposed to be something of a placeholder character, made up of cliches all stuck together until he became actually alive in his head. That's not counting how often I've seen guys in fimfiction be all like, "why did people like this story most out of everything I've written? It was a stupid idea! I didn't mean that!"
I racked my brains for hours trying to come up with a second idea until I fired up the submission page and just started plowing in a barren field. Imagine my surprise when something did manage to sprout out of its own accord. I mean, I think there must have been a point when the idea popped and I started writing, but I've got no idea when or even if it really happened. Too bad I'm too tired to tell what plant it is. I'm hoping for a good, wholesome apple at least, but I'm afraid I might have ended up with lettuce.
What I'd want now is to write something flowery or with impact, but I got nothing left in the tank. Maybe I'll manage to wake up with a proper idea in my head after a good night's sleep.
What I'd want now is to write something flowery or with impact, but I got nothing left in the tank. Maybe I'll manage to wake up with a proper idea in my head after a good night's sleep.
Alright, managed to finish one. Now to edit and see if I can come up with more than one. Minifics are surprisingly hard. You start off with a small idea, thinking you might have to puff it up a bit, and then you realize you reached the max word count and still bare bones. Is this how it always goes?
I have to say, what I expected to see there at the end was a culinary disaster beyond reproach. The overreaction as >>Not_A_Hat said though was so overboard over what it was that I actually let out a loud, short laugh at the reveal of the true extension of the ruined meal. It might be the simple way the character puts it "I can't believe..." is so extremely simple over the rest of the story that it really tickled my fancy.
It does end up being too short however. Through all of it, the only thing that is being said in essence is;
- I don't like how you made this sandwich.
- Whatever.
It's not a story of even half of one, but part of a scene.
It does end up being too short however. Through all of it, the only thing that is being said in essence is;
- I don't like how you made this sandwich.
- Whatever.
It's not a story of even half of one, but part of a scene.
>>Not_A_Hat Actually, I think it's meant to be the shadow of the nuke as it comes down. Their time is literally out.
The characters seemed a bit... typeset to me. The racist and the victim. It doesn't give a good reason why Franklin went there while waiting for the end. Why was the place where he was kicked out of the only place he had left? Was this really the only place he had left, or was Billy just less of a jerk to him than anyone else and he was his best option? No reason given, just... they are there. They sit together, the end comes, and it's not worth the effort fighting over anything now. Hatred doesn't mean much in the face of death. It's a very old lesson, and this is a weak iteration of it when considered thus. It was still interesting enough. If that was the prologue of a book, I would be interested enough to turn the page and keep reading.
The characters seemed a bit... typeset to me. The racist and the victim. It doesn't give a good reason why Franklin went there while waiting for the end. Why was the place where he was kicked out of the only place he had left? Was this really the only place he had left, or was Billy just less of a jerk to him than anyone else and he was his best option? No reason given, just... they are there. They sit together, the end comes, and it's not worth the effort fighting over anything now. Hatred doesn't mean much in the face of death. It's a very old lesson, and this is a weak iteration of it when considered thus. It was still interesting enough. If that was the prologue of a book, I would be interested enough to turn the page and keep reading.
The last three lines killed me.
What threw me off however was the first time where the protagonist speaks. Perhaps it was the sudden shift to the mundane way of speech. I think that all in all I would have appreciated far more if the conversation had been carried in a more flowery, self-important, pompous way or even nothing at all, communicating through expressions, movement, and a sense of will. As it is, I can't help but wonder if you didn't have enough time to properly think of what should be said at that point and left it as it. It feels placeholdery, something you meant to return to when you properly set up the rest of the story.
What threw me off however was the first time where the protagonist speaks. Perhaps it was the sudden shift to the mundane way of speech. I think that all in all I would have appreciated far more if the conversation had been carried in a more flowery, self-important, pompous way or even nothing at all, communicating through expressions, movement, and a sense of will. As it is, I can't help but wonder if you didn't have enough time to properly think of what should be said at that point and left it as it. It feels placeholdery, something you meant to return to when you properly set up the rest of the story.
Am I the only one who instantly came up with an idea for it?
Oh, and since this is my first time, all fandoms are fair game, right?
Oh, and since this is my first time, all fandoms are fair game, right?
Paging WIP