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This is probably the last story I will review for this round as the Sun has just risen in my time zone. Several hours ago actually. I must say that I'm not disappointed. The prose is really neat. I could envision the highway and the rain and the traffic going past.
It's a little hard for a reader to feel strongly for or against the main character if they don't know what his problem is, which I did not get until I read the other reviews. His feelings are only shown as they are, not backed up a whole lot, which I believe is why so many people commented that those are overwrought (which is probably true) or that the protagonist is unsympathetic (which I did not experience personally). The story makes up for the vagueness of his background with a lot of atmosphere, and I didn't have a problem with it while reading, but that doesn't change the fact that it's vague.
On a side note: you know you read too much pony when "washes through my thin coat" makes you think of equine hair rather than a piece of clothing.
It's a little hard for a reader to feel strongly for or against the main character if they don't know what his problem is, which I did not get until I read the other reviews. His feelings are only shown as they are, not backed up a whole lot, which I believe is why so many people commented that those are overwrought (which is probably true) or that the protagonist is unsympathetic (which I did not experience personally). The story makes up for the vagueness of his background with a lot of atmosphere, and I didn't have a problem with it while reading, but that doesn't change the fact that it's vague.
On a side note: you know you read too much pony when "washes through my thin coat" makes you think of equine hair rather than a piece of clothing.
Sort of sweet. I was still hoping for some supernatural twist at the end, but the actual ending was obvious.
It's an interesting story altogether, but it's lacking the emotional connection for me. You make the reader care about the daughter, but don't set up the conflict for the father, so, while the reveal is tied into the story well as far as the theme of the supernatural goes, it still stands on its own on the emotional level.
It's an interesting story altogether, but it's lacking the emotional connection for me. You make the reader care about the daughter, but don't set up the conflict for the father, so, while the reveal is tied into the story well as far as the theme of the supernatural goes, it still stands on its own on the emotional level.
I can relate to >>TheCyanRecluse here. It's not bad, just odd. The absurdity of the premise has its own sort of appeal, I guess. Telling the main character's life was alright. Overall I'm still underwhelmed, though that might not do the story justice because I apparently don't get the deeper meaning (assuming there is any).
The style is interesting, with some tasteful use of repetition which I liked.
The style is interesting, with some tasteful use of repetition which I liked.
This contains some nice worldbuilding, as well a clever resolution. I like it.
The beginning could use a little more exposition. Not necessarily much but mentioning where the characters are would help, because as it is now that's only introduced 9 paragraphs in and until then they might as well sit outside the city in the dust.
On the same note of exposition, it's also not clear at first how the narrator feels about Jeremia. "I wasn't impressed" made it seem to me that they were acquaintances who play together often and the narrator is just annoyed by Jeremia showing off. You describe the stranger's reaction to him, but not the narrator's reaction until a few paragraphs later, which I think should come through from the start.
On the ending I agree with >>Trick_Question. It would be a strong last sentence to end on, and the extra just feels completely unnecessary.
The beginning could use a little more exposition. Not necessarily much but mentioning where the characters are would help, because as it is now that's only introduced 9 paragraphs in and until then they might as well sit outside the city in the dust.
On the same note of exposition, it's also not clear at first how the narrator feels about Jeremia. "I wasn't impressed" made it seem to me that they were acquaintances who play together often and the narrator is just annoyed by Jeremia showing off. You describe the stranger's reaction to him, but not the narrator's reaction until a few paragraphs later, which I think should come through from the start.
On the ending I agree with >>Trick_Question. It would be a strong last sentence to end on, and the extra just feels completely unnecessary.
My time is a little tight, which I apologize for, but I still want to take the opportunity to thank everyone who reviewed this.
I won't argue with the criticizm, but there's one thing that I realized and wanted to discuss real quick. The idea for this story was showing how the wounds that humankind inflicts on earth (urbanization, in this case) will heal, because life in general will probably persist way longer on earth than humans. However, >>Trick_Question makes a very good point about how foxes (and they are only one example) actually benefit from human culture in many cases. Life in the wild is not some sort of paradise that's ultimately better than the alternatives. And that wasn't my point to begin with, which is why a different approach of the theme might have been a smarter choice for me to make.
Also, just to clarify, I use an omniscient narrator and, in this particular case, went for the very telly style with full intention. Might be I didn't do a good job with it since I don't have any experience with the perspective, but at least that's the reason why you don't see a fox POV or anything.
I won't argue with the criticizm, but there's one thing that I realized and wanted to discuss real quick. The idea for this story was showing how the wounds that humankind inflicts on earth (urbanization, in this case) will heal, because life in general will probably persist way longer on earth than humans. However, >>Trick_Question makes a very good point about how foxes (and they are only one example) actually benefit from human culture in many cases. Life in the wild is not some sort of paradise that's ultimately better than the alternatives. And that wasn't my point to begin with, which is why a different approach of the theme might have been a smarter choice for me to make.
Also, just to clarify, I use an omniscient narrator and, in this particular case, went for the very telly style with full intention. Might be I didn't do a good job with it since I don't have any experience with the perspective, but at least that's the reason why you don't see a fox POV or anything.
This strikes me as particularly well-written, and does a good job of evoking emotions. I really like this feeling of childhood nostalgia, and then of course there is the twist. I would personally disagree with >>Trick_Question on the ending - to me it was all clear.
The only thing I can think of that might make the story stronger - and this is just a random thought - is actually ditching the part in which the protagonist explains what happened, instead cutting back to the present. Imagine that after
The only thing I can think of that might make the story stronger - and this is just a random thought - is actually ditching the part in which the protagonist explains what happened, instead cutting back to the present. Imagine that after
Leigh probably wanted one last hurrah before school started.it went on with
Marie and I reach the slope.(with maybe an additional sentence to make the transition clearer in this case). I can't say that I know for certain how others would perceive this, but it would get at least me even more.
This is a nice story. The way the character of Gregory unfolds is good, and his emotions actually progress over the course of the scene, which makes for a well-working structure.
I agree with >>MonarchDodora on that you could prune a bit, but that's not a major complaint from my side.
What I do want to criticize, however, is that the relationship between Sasha and Gregory is never introduced. In the beginning, I felt as if they were just collegues (and MonarchDodora mentioned this as well), but then it becomes obvious that they have some sort of closer relationship. Only in the very last paragraph she kisses him on the cheek, which the majority of readers will probably interpret as a romantical gesture (even though it's not unambiguous either). I think it should be made clear from the start how they stand towards each other.
Another thing that is not introduced is in what sort of place and situation the characters are. The scene is never set, resulting in a case of the infamous talking heads syndrome. It seems that Sasha is showing Gregory some prototype things that relate to her game idea, or at least I think that that's the case, but it really comes down to guessing.
I agree with >>MonarchDodora on that you could prune a bit, but that's not a major complaint from my side.
What I do want to criticize, however, is that the relationship between Sasha and Gregory is never introduced. In the beginning, I felt as if they were just collegues (and MonarchDodora mentioned this as well), but then it becomes obvious that they have some sort of closer relationship. Only in the very last paragraph she kisses him on the cheek, which the majority of readers will probably interpret as a romantical gesture (even though it's not unambiguous either). I think it should be made clear from the start how they stand towards each other.
Another thing that is not introduced is in what sort of place and situation the characters are. The scene is never set, resulting in a case of the infamous talking heads syndrome. It seems that Sasha is showing Gregory some prototype things that relate to her game idea, or at least I think that that's the case, but it really comes down to guessing.
>>Trick_Question
I would argue that it becomes obvious from the context. A little more exposition of the character might not hurt in either case, but personally I don't have an issue with it as it is.
Also, I can understand why he insists on his, as has been criticized, naive claims - it seems to be the first accident he witnesses, and since he is obviously shocked it makes sense that he's not thinking rationally. He is characterized as thin-skinned from the beginning because of the vomiting, and especially the medics cracking jokes made his reaction believable to me.
The weak point, I agree with most of what I read in the other reviews, is the ending, which simply doesn't indicate any progression.
But I still think it's a compelling story overall. The narrative is definitely strong.
>>georg
Can you point out examples for that? I'm just asking because can't seem to find any.
you need to establish Dave as a rookie cop with more foreshadowing or descriptions
I would argue that it becomes obvious from the context. A little more exposition of the character might not hurt in either case, but personally I don't have an issue with it as it is.
Also, I can understand why he insists on his, as has been criticized, naive claims - it seems to be the first accident he witnesses, and since he is obviously shocked it makes sense that he's not thinking rationally. He is characterized as thin-skinned from the beginning because of the vomiting, and especially the medics cracking jokes made his reaction believable to me.
The weak point, I agree with most of what I read in the other reviews, is the ending, which simply doesn't indicate any progression.
But I still think it's a compelling story overall. The narrative is definitely strong.
>>georg
quite a bit of passive voice
Can you point out examples for that? I'm just asking because can't seem to find any.
I have to agree with >>Trick_Question on the dialogue - this also stroke me. There are nice ideas, but it's not really how people talk.
The story paints the picture of Heither's situation well in the beginning, mostly through association - at "Netflix and eating ice cream" it's pretty much clear. The conflict itself is a rather generic one, but really, the story is all about the resolution so it doesn't matter much. What I have more of a problem with is how silly that same resolution is. It breaks the serious tone, which just doesn't work for me.
I think the underlying problem is that the perspective is so weak. It's technically third person limited, but the POV is ambiguous in the beginning and only comes through at all at the end when Heither gets up, so until then the reader doesn't have much of a chance to build up a connection to her character.
I also don't think it should be her POV in the first place because, if you think about it, she is not the protagonist. That's Amy. Heather does not do anything in this story (even getting up is just a reaction to Amy). Amy starts the conversation, and she is the one making the decision that resolves the conflict. If she were the POV character I think it would be more convenient, with the added benefit that her outside view on Heather's problems might set up the reader better for the twist in the end.
The story paints the picture of Heither's situation well in the beginning, mostly through association - at "Netflix and eating ice cream" it's pretty much clear. The conflict itself is a rather generic one, but really, the story is all about the resolution so it doesn't matter much. What I have more of a problem with is how silly that same resolution is. It breaks the serious tone, which just doesn't work for me.
I think the underlying problem is that the perspective is so weak. It's technically third person limited, but the POV is ambiguous in the beginning and only comes through at all at the end when Heither gets up, so until then the reader doesn't have much of a chance to build up a connection to her character.
I also don't think it should be her POV in the first place because, if you think about it, she is not the protagonist. That's Amy. Heather does not do anything in this story (even getting up is just a reaction to Amy). Amy starts the conversation, and she is the one making the decision that resolves the conflict. If she were the POV character I think it would be more convenient, with the added benefit that her outside view on Heather's problems might set up the reader better for the twist in the end.
>>Ratlab
It didn't even strike me that it's in present tense, so that's probably a good sign. In any case it's solid YA style, and I would actually disagree with PinoyPony on the dialogue, I think it's fitting.
My biggest issue with the story is that five characters are introduced within the 750 words. For instance, I could not remember at the end which one was Jake and which one was Brian, and neither could I recall the names of Kestrel or Karen from the top of my head (those are too similar anyway). The problem was not the author doing a poor job in distinguishing between them concept-wise, not at all, it was just too much all at once. I think the story might work better for such a short format if there was just one of the narrator's friends in the scene instead of all three.
>>Aragon
You see, I'm all for being nice to one another, but when I'm going to criticize a story I won't hold back with anything that comes to mind, both positive and negative. And that's exactly how I want my stories to be treated. I haven't seen reviews so far that I perceived as too harsh (I wouldn't like a tradition of bashing either, if that is the development you're concerned about), and I certainly hope that my reviews are not, but let's also not forget that this is not a school talent show. The content on here has been put out for the explicit reason of being criticized and evaluated in a competitive environment. I will try to keep your words in mind, but I can't sugarcoat everything I say, so I don't really know what to do other than just carry on.
I'm not a fan of present tense, but I'll try to ignore it.
It didn't even strike me that it's in present tense, so that's probably a good sign. In any case it's solid YA style, and I would actually disagree with PinoyPony on the dialogue, I think it's fitting.
My biggest issue with the story is that five characters are introduced within the 750 words. For instance, I could not remember at the end which one was Jake and which one was Brian, and neither could I recall the names of Kestrel or Karen from the top of my head (those are too similar anyway). The problem was not the author doing a poor job in distinguishing between them concept-wise, not at all, it was just too much all at once. I think the story might work better for such a short format if there was just one of the narrator's friends in the scene instead of all three.
>>Aragon
You see, I'm all for being nice to one another, but when I'm going to criticize a story I won't hold back with anything that comes to mind, both positive and negative. And that's exactly how I want my stories to be treated. I haven't seen reviews so far that I perceived as too harsh (I wouldn't like a tradition of bashing either, if that is the development you're concerned about), and I certainly hope that my reviews are not, but let's also not forget that this is not a school talent show. The content on here has been put out for the explicit reason of being criticized and evaluated in a competitive environment. I will try to keep your words in mind, but I can't sugarcoat everything I say, so I don't really know what to do other than just carry on.
>>Trick_Question
Okay? Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you in that I got the slight feeling of being lectured by the story. Even though, like I said, it didn't bother me.
Okay? Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you in that I got the slight feeling of being lectured by the story. Even though, like I said, it didn't bother me.
>>Monokeras
Interesting to know. I wouldn't have the history knowledge to point these things out, however I was going to comment on the dialogue. It's not that it feels particularly stilted - maybe a little, but I'm sure you'd get away with it perfectly in a conversation over the lunchtable. But it's just not what you would expect WW1 soliders to talk like.
The whole situation of living in the trenches is not reflected at all in the atmosphere of this story. Basically, you lie in a hole of cold, wet dirt, surrounded by our dead friends, as you listen carefully for the very particular sound of an approaching granade so that you could brace yourself and maybe not die. Add to that the smell of urine and feces, the rats, the hunger and spreading disease. It's a grim and ugly place to be in.
The approach the author takes on the prompt I actually find interesting, but the execution doesn't hold up.
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Orbiting_kettle
To jump in on the discussion, I have to second Orbiting_kettle. So, I grew up in Essen, alright, one of the places where they still occasionally dig up WW2 bombs on construction sites, right in the middle of the city. And, sure, if they didn't go off when they were supposed to there's a chance they won't now - or they might blow up in your face at so much as moving them, possibly killing hundreds of people around you. That's not really a risk you're happy to take.
As Orbiting_kettle has already mentioned, the fuse also become more sensitive as they corrode, and sometimes, when it's too badly damaged, the bomb even has to be controlledly detonated on site.
Interesting to know. I wouldn't have the history knowledge to point these things out, however I was going to comment on the dialogue. It's not that it feels particularly stilted - maybe a little, but I'm sure you'd get away with it perfectly in a conversation over the lunchtable. But it's just not what you would expect WW1 soliders to talk like.
The whole situation of living in the trenches is not reflected at all in the atmosphere of this story. Basically, you lie in a hole of cold, wet dirt, surrounded by our dead friends, as you listen carefully for the very particular sound of an approaching granade so that you could brace yourself and maybe not die. Add to that the smell of urine and feces, the rats, the hunger and spreading disease. It's a grim and ugly place to be in.
The approach the author takes on the prompt I actually find interesting, but the execution doesn't hold up.
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Orbiting_kettle
To jump in on the discussion, I have to second Orbiting_kettle. So, I grew up in Essen, alright, one of the places where they still occasionally dig up WW2 bombs on construction sites, right in the middle of the city. And, sure, if they didn't go off when they were supposed to there's a chance they won't now - or they might blow up in your face at so much as moving them, possibly killing hundreds of people around you. That's not really a risk you're happy to take.
As Orbiting_kettle has already mentioned, the fuse also become more sensitive as they corrode, and sometimes, when it's too badly damaged, the bomb even has to be controlledly detonated on site.
>>Trick_Question
This is definitely something to keep in mind - there is this slight feeling of being lectured. Personally I didn't have an issue with it though.
Setting up the two characters for a discussion to convey information is a simple yet effective. Their emotions are also portrayed well, Jane being frustrated and Willian trying to cheer her up. What I have a bit of a problem with is that Jane insists "they're not lazy" at first and then, a minute later, claims that Khan is lazy. I understand that she is complaining about his individual behavior as opposed to the general nature of tigers, but I think it is a little confusing.
The weakness of the story is the ending, which doesn't really come to a conclusion. It just drags on for the last 6-8 paragraphs, basically repeating the point that has already been made.
>>Ratlab
This is definitely something to keep in mind - there is this slight feeling of being lectured. Personally I didn't have an issue with it though.
Setting up the two characters for a discussion to convey information is a simple yet effective. Their emotions are also portrayed well, Jane being frustrated and Willian trying to cheer her up. What I have a bit of a problem with is that Jane insists "they're not lazy" at first and then, a minute later, claims that Khan is lazy. I understand that she is complaining about his individual behavior as opposed to the general nature of tigers, but I think it is a little confusing.
The weakness of the story is the ending, which doesn't really come to a conclusion. It just drags on for the last 6-8 paragraphs, basically repeating the point that has already been made.
>>Ratlab
I'm a little surprised that a zoo employee would be so cavalier about throwing rocks at the exhibits, as well as Willan referring to him as 'old Khan' when he's a yearling.I don't see this as a problem. From what I understand it's part of his character to be careless like that, and he is obviously concerned about Jane way more than about his job or the animals.
Building the story on a pun feels like a weak premise to me. The reader doesn't get any context for the implied conflict with Sarah or the relationship of the main characters, which could otherwise be an interesting aspect, so stripping away the pun really leaves this bare any meaning.
At least it was a funny one (the first one that is, the second is just silly). I chuckled briefly. However, that's the entirety of my reaction.
At least it was a funny one (the first one that is, the second is just silly). I chuckled briefly. However, that's the entirety of my reaction.
I'm not sure whether I want to call this a "story," as it does not fit the common definitions I know - there is no incidents or events that are being narrated here, no plot. Anyway, the text is either over-the-top sarcastic, or the author has some serious unresolved issues. I will just assume (and do hope) that the former is true.
A sales-pitch-style approach like this is controversial. I would expect readers to either think it's super witty and funny or hate it, and while it wouldn't be fair to say that it's a bad text just because I belong to the latter group, well, I do. Objectively I would say that I think it's too sarcastic, but even that is probably controversial.
The only thing I like personally is the line "So don't wait!" because it really is nice self-irony. Other than that it's just not my cup of tea.
A sales-pitch-style approach like this is controversial. I would expect readers to either think it's super witty and funny or hate it, and while it wouldn't be fair to say that it's a bad text just because I belong to the latter group, well, I do. Objectively I would say that I think it's too sarcastic, but even that is probably controversial.
The only thing I like personally is the line "So don't wait!" because it really is nice self-irony. Other than that it's just not my cup of tea.
Inconveniently, I don't have a lot of knowledge about this subject. I have to wonder whether this is really a struggle that veterans (or people in general) go through.
What I can say is that the story works on the technical side. The reader can see how a respectful relationship develops, up to the turning point. The characterizations are also well-done, and I'm particularly impressed by the character voices.
What I can say is that the story works on the technical side. The reader can see how a respectful relationship develops, up to the turning point. The characterizations are also well-done, and I'm particularly impressed by the character voices.
A few rough edges, like "Cathy’s hand suddenly felt weak and useless, her hand slowly loosening its grip" or "Jacob usually got up in ten minutes."
The revelation is certainly unexpected, and Cathy's everyday pondering about her son in the beginnign sets the reader up for an emotional impact, so from a technical standpoint this is well-done. Only thing that could be improved in that respect is foreshadowing that something is wrong.
However, where the story falls apart for me is believability. I agree with Trick_Question here. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm fairly sure that this is not how denial or traumata works.
The revelation is certainly unexpected, and Cathy's everyday pondering about her son in the beginnign sets the reader up for an emotional impact, so from a technical standpoint this is well-done. Only thing that could be improved in that respect is foreshadowing that something is wrong.
However, where the story falls apart for me is believability. I agree with Trick_Question here. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm fairly sure that this is not how denial or traumata works.
>>Ratlab
I agree that the ending lost its element of surprise by basically giving away that he has it coming.
There is not really a pay-off to it either. Might be that readers tend to like seeing nazis blowing up, which might justify it, but there's really no character conflict or progression or anything to put it into perspective. It's really just a story about he gets himself blown-up at a random time and place. I shall not be the judge of whether that is a good or bad plot ultimately, but it's nothing that appeals to me personally.
from what I understand, Nazi persecution was on a racial, not religious basisYou're right. The NS regime actually didn't like the church because they were in their way at times, and they also identified to an extend with the old germanic paganism (the infamous SS runes for example are taken from the germanic rune alphabet). The reason why they deported and killed jews is that they believed them, among other ethnical groups, to be so-called "Untermenschen", meaning physically and morally inferior (the irony though). There was also the belief in a "jewish-bolshevik world conspiracy" with the plot to destroy germany and take over the world or something like that.
I agree that the ending lost its element of surprise by basically giving away that he has it coming.
There is not really a pay-off to it either. Might be that readers tend to like seeing nazis blowing up, which might justify it, but there's really no character conflict or progression or anything to put it into perspective. It's really just a story about he gets himself blown-up at a random time and place. I shall not be the judge of whether that is a good or bad plot ultimately, but it's nothing that appeals to me personally.
The resolution at the end did not really get me, and I think it was not prepared well enough. I know the format is short, but I still feel like there could have been hints, not to menation that, as Trick_Question already said, the reader still doesn't know what is going on at the end. I don't particularly get the feeling that the author knows, either. Other than that I don't have much to say about the story. The ominous man is characterized well through his dialogue, and the descriptions are solid, even though you could have mentioned what the character sees, like the ceiling that I understand she is staring at in the beginning.
>>Trick_Question
And I thought, are all uplifted apes called Winston nowadays?
It's true, the Original Fiction category is for, and I quote from the schedule page, "Fiction not dependent on work under U.S. copyright." Sorry.
>>Baal Bunny
It's an upcoming and currently super hyped class-based tactic shooter/ arena shooter/ moba game hybrid by Blizzard. Not that the reader can be expected to know that.
The real question is, what are we supposed to do with it? Abstain? Not do anything? Vote as lowest?
And I thought, are all uplifted apes called Winston nowadays?
It's true, the Original Fiction category is for, and I quote from the schedule page, "Fiction not dependent on work under U.S. copyright." Sorry.
>>Baal Bunny
It's an upcoming and currently super hyped class-based tactic shooter/ arena shooter/ moba game hybrid by Blizzard. Not that the reader can be expected to know that.
The real question is, what are we supposed to do with it? Abstain? Not do anything? Vote as lowest?
>>The_Letter_J
I hadn't thought about it, but it makes sense when considering the title. Also, the medic says "because you matter", so I would assume that the narrator will play an important part in history that he knows about.
I think what happened with the bandaged is just that he just took care about the ones he knew wouldn't otherwise survive, and then, in the chaos of the situation, the real medics probably thought that one of them must have already tended to the bandaged ones.
What I can't stop asking myself is, what is this supposed to tell me? Especially with the ending. Whyever the protagonist is in Japan in the first place, there is no revelation in the last scene, or anything other than the information that the medic apparently got there as well. Why? What does that say? There is no apparent meaning or goal in this story.
I hadn't thought about it, but it makes sense when considering the title. Also, the medic says "because you matter", so I would assume that the narrator will play an important part in history that he knows about.
I think what happened with the bandaged is just that he just took care about the ones he knew wouldn't otherwise survive, and then, in the chaos of the situation, the real medics probably thought that one of them must have already tended to the bandaged ones.
What I can't stop asking myself is, what is this supposed to tell me? Especially with the ending. Whyever the protagonist is in Japan in the first place, there is no revelation in the last scene, or anything other than the information that the medic apparently got there as well. Why? What does that say? There is no apparent meaning or goal in this story.
>>Trick_Question
Up to the confusing end, I did enjoy it, though. The progression from kids to teenagers and finally adults was nice.
I don't think non-solitary wasps feed on nectarThis. I don't have a problem with the fist-sized wasps, I got that this is in a fantasy setting (though it might still be a good idea to introduce that more obviously in the first scene), but if you want me to suspend my belief over their size it helps to make them like real wasps in other respects.
The way the last two sections are blended together doesn't fit the idea that the initial narratives were stories being told to Billy after the gas attack.This also confuses me. First I thought that they are really in a battle against the dragon and that it was a historical fantasy setting, WW1 with magic. Then I thought, okay, everything before the soft break is in Billy's delirious mind. But that's obviously not it since it's James's POV. I don't really get the impression from the story that it's the one James is about to tell him in the end, either. So I don't know what to say about this other than that it's not quite clear to me what actually happens.
Up to the confusing end, I did enjoy it, though. The progression from kids to teenagers and finally adults was nice.
The style is interesting. The major thing I must criticize though is that the narrative perspective is not consistent. You use a rare one that is sometimes referred to as cinematic, since it's like viewing the scene from a camera angle without the knowledge of what goes on in the main character's head (as would be the case in, for example, the all-popular third person limited). That is established in the beginning when you introduce the view on the room - disconnected from the character, who is described as "a man" who enters, without even mentioning a name. You even at one point say "He looked happier - or perhaps it was a trick of the red light," which you could not do in limited since you would know what he felt. However, there are a few instances in which you do jump out of the cinematic and do include his thoughts.
You can omit the "Normal. Good" without taking anything from the story - you already show that this is normal, so you don't have to additionally tell it.
I agree with The_Letter_J on the first half, to an extend. I think that stretching it out a little is justified since it illustrates the long time that the protagonist waits for John to heal, but the first two scenes are too similar. You could rather use a few tells, like,
I understand that the repetition in the beginning of the first three scenes is deliberate, but it's a bit overdone.
I like the dialogue bit in the middle, it really brings across the desperation of the unnamed main character.
As for the ending, I don't think that it's bad that the details are not clear. After all, in cinematic view, the narrative only observes, and I think that's one of the strengths of this story. The part I really don't like though is the last paragraph.
First of all, it is again gratuitous and breaking the cinematic perspective. And then, the prompt drop, as The_Letter_J has already pointed out, is forced. I would just straight-out cut the paragraph and end on "Computer, -" as the emotional impact on the protagonist is more than clear from the situation.
He gazed over the readings. Normal. Good.
You can omit the "Normal. Good" without taking anything from the story - you already show that this is normal, so you don't have to additionally tell it.
It was cold, and he imagined he felt a body.Also completely gratuitous.
I agree with The_Letter_J on the first half, to an extend. I think that stretching it out a little is justified since it illustrates the long time that the protagonist waits for John to heal, but the first two scenes are too similar. You could rather use a few tells, like,
"Computer, report." He always said that.Or you could bend the time through the narrative, like,
The man came back every day. "Report for patient Rothwell, John T," The computer would report. "No abnormalities detected. Progress: Thirty-five point three percent."
Then the next day, "Progress: Thirty-five point four percent."
"Progress: Thirty-five point five percent."
"Progress: Thirty-five point six percent."
I understand that the repetition in the beginning of the first three scenes is deliberate, but it's a bit overdone.
I like the dialogue bit in the middle, it really brings across the desperation of the unnamed main character.
As for the ending, I don't think that it's bad that the details are not clear. After all, in cinematic view, the narrative only observes, and I think that's one of the strengths of this story. The part I really don't like though is the last paragraph.
And he felt as if he had been cut up, and a piece had been taken from him. And in that moment, he knew that time could not replace his missing piece.
First of all, it is again gratuitous and breaking the cinematic perspective. And then, the prompt drop, as The_Letter_J has already pointed out, is forced. I would just straight-out cut the paragraph and end on "Computer, -" as the emotional impact on the protagonist is more than clear from the situation.
My overall impression is that this reads like the beginning of a mediocre heroic fantasy novel. While the style is not actually that bad, it could definitely be more vivid, and the whole thing is built out of stereotypes.
What could have been a strong point is the conflict of failing to live up to people's/ your parents' expectations. I think it's a good conflict to have for a young character, and especially someone in a higher social position like a prince. Where it falls apart for me, however, is the resolution in a "it all became clear in a dream" turning point. The reason why I don't like that is, first, it's forced and does not really show the progression of the character, and second, it's really the least interesting thing that could happen. Just to throw in one possible alternative, I would like a story in which the prince decided, screw you all, I will become a baker and bake bread for the rest of my life because I love bread. Something like that would make the story a lot fresher.
Something that threw me off was the character of Tammen. In the brief bit in which he is part of the story, he is inconsistent. The reader does not get much of an introduction of him, granted, but the first impression is that of a mentor who, might he care about Thomas or not, is trying to build him up. Then, in the next moment, he just tosses him away. If he is like that, you should introduce him as cold and neglecting from the start so that it becomes believable.
To mention another thing that I did like, the title "Thomas the Lame" is pretty cool. If he goes on to become a great heroic knight it would definitely make him stand out.
What could have been a strong point is the conflict of failing to live up to people's/ your parents' expectations. I think it's a good conflict to have for a young character, and especially someone in a higher social position like a prince. Where it falls apart for me, however, is the resolution in a "it all became clear in a dream" turning point. The reason why I don't like that is, first, it's forced and does not really show the progression of the character, and second, it's really the least interesting thing that could happen. Just to throw in one possible alternative, I would like a story in which the prince decided, screw you all, I will become a baker and bake bread for the rest of my life because I love bread. Something like that would make the story a lot fresher.
Something that threw me off was the character of Tammen. In the brief bit in which he is part of the story, he is inconsistent. The reader does not get much of an introduction of him, granted, but the first impression is that of a mentor who, might he care about Thomas or not, is trying to build him up. Then, in the next moment, he just tosses him away. If he is like that, you should introduce him as cold and neglecting from the start so that it becomes believable.
To mention another thing that I did like, the title "Thomas the Lame" is pretty cool. If he goes on to become a great heroic knight it would definitely make him stand out.
The story has engaging, very well-done first person narrative and dialogue. My personal highlight is how the scene is set in the beginning:
The premise is of course a little silly but within reason, and I like the worldbuilding.
The conflict between the narrator and George builds up nicely. The only weak point I see is the ending, which sort of breaks the style to basically tell the reader, "and this is how it ends." The author presumably struggled with the limited narration time there (haha), but that doesn't change the fact that it makes the ending feel slightly awkward. But it's still a brilliant story.
"Fascinating, George. I'm sure there is a point to all this, but, if you allow me to be direct, why are we in a barn and why is that cow looking at me like there's nothing she wants more than to gut me?"
The premise is of course a little silly but within reason, and I like the worldbuilding.
The conflict between the narrator and George builds up nicely. The only weak point I see is the ending, which sort of breaks the style to basically tell the reader, "and this is how it ends." The author presumably struggled with the limited narration time there (haha), but that doesn't change the fact that it makes the ending feel slightly awkward. But it's still a brilliant story.
Paging WIP