My suggestion for improvement to the writeoff system: hide comments on any given entry until one has left a comment on that entry. First effortcomment on any given entry seems to often set the agenda for the rest of the comment thread.

>>Exuno

The author is literally quoting from the Apollo 10 mission transcripts, when the astronauts heard weird whistling through their radios on the far side of the moon. See https://history.nasa.gov/ap10fj/as10-day5-pt20.htm

>>Fenton

It's only Applejack, and does it really matter?

Get 'em up against the wall?

I think my favorite spot is

(To hatchling, now to fledgling mare)
To Princess

where suddenly the reversed lines are referencing Twilight's ascension.

I don't know how you do such a thing in 24 hours.

I believe you've got something like 150 words left, and I think it would have been well spent on Celestia's exhaustion and/or lingering on the moment of decision. I like the concept, though, the use of language is good, and the Rod Serling narration is well done.

Hey, this one is a whole story! It poses a question and provides an answer. The language needs a little polishing in places, but it got its point across. The one thing that's dangling is why that question creates such chaos in the multiverse. Polish up the word choice, throw in a few words about the power of that question, and you'll have something excellent.

This is an excellent take on the Princess Reversal idea. It does have the very-common-in-minifics problem of being the intro to something bigger, but I really want to read that bigger story.

Good technical execution as well, by the by. Well-voiced, good description.

I don't think you need the note at the beginning, personally. All the information you need to figure it out is in the story.

To me, this feels like the intro to a story about Discord figuring out how to fix his world, which is a pretty dang neat concept.

This makes a good intro to a story, I think. Excellent voice.

I like the concept. Voices for Celestia and Sunset need a little bit of work, I think. I also think some of the intro where Spike makes sure Twilight is asleep could have been cut in favor of a few words on the timeline issues ("I normally set this test to ponies before they get their wings, but...<whatever explanation you want>") and maybe a few more in the explanation generally.

It would be fun to see this expanded into a story where Twilight has a 'Truman Show' moment with this test instead of just running through the EqG plot.

>>GroaningGreyAgony

I like your diagnosis in the first sentence, and I think I agree, though I hope this isn't going to cause a critical mass of comments busily agreeing with each other and not providing other feedback.

Lovecraftian horror is longwinded because it operates on the feeling of growing dread and anticipation. It has to slide gently into madness, like a tree being drowned by the rising waters behind a dam. Twilight needs to end this not as far along in her descent, or she needs to be more evidently farther along at the beginning. The conversation with Spike would be a good opportunity to have her act uncharacteristically to show that.

This is very pretty. Good job getting right to the meat of the story, excellent description.

I think Celestia's speech at the end needs a little work. I can't help but have a little Filly-Twi voice in my head going "but if Celestia's gone like in the nightmare the sun won't rise to greet her and won't chase the nightmares away and and and..." I see the sentiment and the sense that she's going for, it just came out a little awkward and a little vulnerable to a pedantic filly's objections.

Celestia being wise or supportive is hard to write. You have to get yourself around to being as sure of what she's trying to say as she is. With a little more time and pondering, I think that bit will clean up fine and it will be a nice little short.

>>FanOfMostEverything

I assumed that that was a mistaken break in the dialogue and that it was Luna discounting the effect of the stars.

For the rest of it, I believe we're in the time-honored genre of 'the twist is that the fic is actually set a thousand years ago'. Er, not to denigrate that per se. There's nothing wrong with trying your hand at an idea that's been done before. Writing is all in the execution.

Hey, I actually got one in for this one!

The new email preferences are excellent. Thumbs up.

Yeah, CiG's blog is how I was reminded that this was happening. No e-mail.

Doesn't matter, I'm gone this weekend. Great timing--I'm away from home for the second time this year and it's writeoff time. I guess I'll see y'all in June. Going three months between opportunities to participate sucks.

>>RogerDodger
I inadvertently submitted 'Pie to Pie' anonymously. Is it possible to have it changed to 'Jordanis'?

I managed to miss the twist, so it got me pretty good. Really liked the last-line stinger. I actually disagree about the opening line--I thought it was a good place to jump into the scene.

>>Cold in Gardez

Not to the narrative, maybe, but I find it useful in working on voice. Makes me get very deliberate with Applejack's voice, in order to hit the dialect without going overboard. Of course, I write like I'm transcribing an oral storyteller, so maybe I have some funny habits about voice.

>>TitaniumDragon
It sure was. Learning to use the site the hard way. See >>Jordanis

Oh, so that's how you add comments. I've been sitting here scratching my head and figuring that I was just having bad luck about checking in at times when comments weren't allowed for anonymity reasons or something. Didn't realize I had to create an alias as well as the account. I suppose that's what I get for not carefully reading the FAQ, it appears.

Pie to Pie is mine, anyway.