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>>Winston
Your prompt is super inspiring and generally GREAT. I have so many ideas. SO MANY.
Now if only I could draw D:
Your prompt is super inspiring and generally GREAT. I have so many ideas. SO MANY.
Now if only I could draw D:
>>bloons3 >>Novel_Idea >>Fenton >>FrontSevens >>Posh >>Rao >>Monokeras >>AndrewRogue >>CoffeeMinion >>eusocialdragon >>horizon
Many thanks to Not_a_Hat for providing such excellent inspiration. I had convinced myself that I was done with the fanfiction rounds, and then I saw his entry and something in my brain went lol wouldn't it be funny if u interpreted that as Sombra being at the optometrist. And then I was like "lol that would be funny" but then I accidentally played it straight and the result is a complete mismatch between the comedy-implying title and the comedy-lacking interior. Oh well. Drama happens.
Thanks for leaving your thoughts, comments, and criticisms. It's fairly apparent that this story is completely lacking an emotional componentbecause I've been waiting to hear back from grad school for a month and have had all my emotions scraped out of me with a red-hot scalpel of anxiety, and also that there are plenty of loose ends that need trimming--things I'll keep in mind should I revisit this for fimfic publication (which is unlikely--this was mostly a joke for the art).
As usual, the amount of talent, skill, and creativity on display in the Writeoff is nothing short of remarkable. Congrats to Cold in Gardez and AndrewRogue for their lovely entries, and a great job to everyone who managed to submit something within the time constraint.
ALSO I GOT ACCEPTED TO GRAD SCHOOL AND I JUST TURNED 21 ON MONDAY SO IF I NEVER ENTER ANOTHER WRITEOFF PLEASE ASSUME I DIED OF CELEBRATORY ALCOHOL POISONING AND TELL MONOKERAS THAT AZURE AND CERULEAN ARE BOTH SHADES OF BLUE AND THUS EQUALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR DESCRIBING THE COLOR OF THE SKY.
Sombra Visits the Optometrist (and a bunch of other stuff also happens):
Many thanks to Not_a_Hat for providing such excellent inspiration. I had convinced myself that I was done with the fanfiction rounds, and then I saw his entry and something in my brain went lol wouldn't it be funny if u interpreted that as Sombra being at the optometrist. And then I was like "lol that would be funny" but then I accidentally played it straight and the result is a complete mismatch between the comedy-implying title and the comedy-lacking interior. Oh well. Drama happens.
Thanks for leaving your thoughts, comments, and criticisms. It's fairly apparent that this story is completely lacking an emotional component
As usual, the amount of talent, skill, and creativity on display in the Writeoff is nothing short of remarkable. Congrats to Cold in Gardez and AndrewRogue for their lovely entries, and a great job to everyone who managed to submit something within the time constraint.
Thank you all very much for your thoughts and comments! This story has a lot of issues (many of them stemming from my lazy refusal to write the story linearly to begin with), but it's the first piece in a long while that I've wanted to fix. I typed out a retrospective, then decided I liked the tl;dr version better, so here it is:
Repeated Writeoff participation helped me realize I want to write a book. This story will hopefully be that book.
(Because it's rather apparent it doesn't work as a flashback-laden bit of literary origami lol thanks for bearing with it y'all)
Repeated Writeoff participation helped me realize I want to write a book. This story will hopefully be that book.
(Because it's rather apparent it doesn't work as a flashback-laden bit of literary origami lol thanks for bearing with it y'all)
Agree with the previous reviews: this story's primary weakness seems to be a conflict between what it is and what it wants to be. There is a remarkable amount of worldbuilding at play, and combined with the rapidfire cast of characters (and a plot that seems to be more complex than mere weapon acquisition) the end result is an experience similar to using an iPhone to navigate websites unformatted for mobile browsing.
That being said, I hope you'll consider it worth your while to give this story a wordcount large enough for it to really breathe. I found myself struggling along, trying to unwind the action from the grammar, and then I'd see something like this:
--and I stop in my tracks and marvel at how much you could do with vengeful, exploding jewelry. This story is positively dripping with imagination.
Super-Minor Nitpick: It's possible that Barr may be psychotic, but referring to him as a psychopath within the narration is incorrect. You've portrayed him as experiencing intense emotional disregulation (bouncing from giddy to sad and back again in the span of seconds), and one of the underlying factors of psychopathy is an inability to fully experience emotions. (Unless... Barr is trying to manipulate people by faking his emotions?)
That being said, I hope you'll consider it worth your while to give this story a wordcount large enough for it to really breathe. I found myself struggling along, trying to unwind the action from the grammar, and then I'd see something like this:
Each gem could have easily disguised a killer explosive... How many people nowadays were walking around with Carcosan jewelry, and how many of those gems could have been secretly enchanted to go off at someone else’s command?
--and I stop in my tracks and marvel at how much you could do with vengeful, exploding jewelry. This story is positively dripping with imagination.
Super-Minor Nitpick: It's possible that Barr may be psychotic, but referring to him as a psychopath within the narration is incorrect. You've portrayed him as experiencing intense emotional disregulation (bouncing from giddy to sad and back again in the span of seconds), and one of the underlying factors of psychopathy is an inability to fully experience emotions. (Unless... Barr is trying to manipulate people by faking his emotions?)
Thank you all (including Freud_Rewatcher) for your thoughts and comments. They were insightful and helpful as always, and I will be sure to reference them in the event that I decide to revisit this story.
Good job to everyone and congratulations all around!
Good job to everyone and congratulations all around!
>>AndrewRogue
This is actually relevant to something that's been weighing on my mind for a while. It seems to be agreed that it's up to the individual writer to possess the fortitude to withstand the gales of criticism that accompany Writeoff rounds. But I do think that reviews can do more harm than good, when not delivered mindfully.
A few months ago, back in the spring, I had just submitted an entry to an Original Fiction round. It wasn't the best story--made use of an old idea, wrote it at the last minute, writing period fell over my birthday, had a test the next morning... multiple factors contributed to an entry that I wasn't enamored with. But hey, I hadn't missed the deadline! I could still take pride in the fact that I hadn't missed a single original round. Woohoo!
The story got shredded. A reviewer whose opinion I deeply respected disliked it so much that they couldn't even finish reading it. Reading that hurt enough--but hey, it just wasn't their thing. That's understandable. That's okay. What really hurt was seeing that same reviewer call the story pretentious. Annoying. Trite. What wrecked my confidence was seeing something I'd written used to appease other writers: "Oh, I didn't hate your story. If I was going to hate a story, I'd be more likely to hate {name of Fahrenheit's story}." I was so ashamed of writing that entry that I didn't even have the guts to thank the people who did give me valuable feedback. [Edit: Apparently I did thank people. But I definitely didn't want to.]
To get to the point, all negative reviews are unpleasant to some extent. But devoting more attention to a story's weaknesses doesn't make for an overly critical review. Being blunt and straightforward doesn't necessarily make for a harsh review. I think what's crucial is maintaining a sense of respect for the authors and stories in the round. There are a lot of very different people at various stages of their individual writing journeys here, and in this sort of situation, tact is rarely inappropriate. The fact that you're mindful enough to be concerned about this is likely an indication that you're doing just fine. Keep up the good work. :)
This is actually relevant to something that's been weighing on my mind for a while. It seems to be agreed that it's up to the individual writer to possess the fortitude to withstand the gales of criticism that accompany Writeoff rounds. But I do think that reviews can do more harm than good, when not delivered mindfully.
A few months ago, back in the spring, I had just submitted an entry to an Original Fiction round. It wasn't the best story--made use of an old idea, wrote it at the last minute, writing period fell over my birthday, had a test the next morning... multiple factors contributed to an entry that I wasn't enamored with. But hey, I hadn't missed the deadline! I could still take pride in the fact that I hadn't missed a single original round. Woohoo!
The story got shredded. A reviewer whose opinion I deeply respected disliked it so much that they couldn't even finish reading it. Reading that hurt enough--but hey, it just wasn't their thing. That's understandable. That's okay. What really hurt was seeing that same reviewer call the story pretentious. Annoying. Trite. What wrecked my confidence was seeing something I'd written used to appease other writers: "Oh, I didn't hate your story. If I was going to hate a story, I'd be more likely to hate {name of Fahrenheit's story}." I was so ashamed of writing that entry that I didn't even have the guts to thank the people who did give me valuable feedback. [Edit: Apparently I did thank people. But I definitely didn't want to.]
To get to the point, all negative reviews are unpleasant to some extent. But devoting more attention to a story's weaknesses doesn't make for an overly critical review. Being blunt and straightforward doesn't necessarily make for a harsh review. I think what's crucial is maintaining a sense of respect for the authors and stories in the round. There are a lot of very different people at various stages of their individual writing journeys here, and in this sort of situation, tact is rarely inappropriate. The fact that you're mindful enough to be concerned about this is likely an indication that you're doing just fine. Keep up the good work. :)
I have an entire story about the time I learned my special talent was procrastination, but it's fairly irrelevant and I only have ten minutes before class starts so I'd just like to instead thank you all for your thoughts on Confines.
This thing is rife with tense changes, spelling errors, word garbage (sorry, Mono)--and just generally looks like it was written in the span of, like, six hours. Because it was.
I was kind of really busy during the writing period: in addition to the poem and Confines, I had six academic articles to read/annotate, four psychology essays to write, a book report to submit, and the final finishing touches to put on an academic article of mine that was recently accepted to a conference. (Plus my roommate had her 21st birthday party that Saturday).
Congrats to the medalists for their lovely stories, and a good job all around. As usual, y'alls prowess with the written word is simultaneously awe-inspiring and intimidating.
This thing is rife with tense changes, spelling errors, word garbage (sorry, Mono)--and just generally looks like it was written in the span of, like, six hours. Because it was.
I was kind of really busy during the writing period: in addition to the poem and Confines, I had six academic articles to read/annotate, four psychology essays to write, a book report to submit, and the final finishing touches to put on an academic article of mine that was recently accepted to a conference. (Plus my roommate had her 21st birthday party that Saturday).
Congrats to the medalists for their lovely stories, and a good job all around. As usual, y'alls prowess with the written word is simultaneously awe-inspiring and intimidating.
The writing here is ethereal and evocative (the snowflakes lashing against the ward being one particularly strong example), and I found myself quickly lost in the prose. I didn't quite know who was whom some of the time (as I was lost), but it certainly made the time differences between the ward and the hero feel inconsequential, so kudos if that was an intended effect. Whimsical isn't quite how I would describe the overall feeling of this (the tone is far too somber), but it's certainly... dreamy? Otherworldly?
Regardless, this was an interesting take on the prompt, and the imagery is certainly inspired in places. I liked the mood of the piece.
Regardless, this was an interesting take on the prompt, and the imagery is certainly inspired in places. I liked the mood of the piece.
I personally thought the small-caps were appropriate; I appreciate when the formatting reflects the action or characters, and the small-caps served as a visual reminder that Cmdr. Jacobs was speaking to an AI--a reminder that was particularly useful after he attached the very human name "Sarah" to it.
The plot itself felt somewhat familiar while I was reading it (very little in the universe is original), but I still found myself curious as to what was in the Medical Bay, and the story did keep it dangling long enough that I found the reveal satisfying. There certainly isn't much action occurring within the story's parameters (we don't see the asteroid, nor the crew going into the chambers, nor the Commander's final moments/the rescue team's arrival), and maybe that's what >>ShortNSweet would like to see (I certainly wouldn't say no to an expansion), but this story seems to accomplish what it sets out to do within its word limit. It paints a lonely picture of a moment where home is simply too far to reach, but the protagonist heads for it anyway, and that sort of persistence in the face of crushing futility leaves me with a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
In all, strong thematic use of the prompt, excellent composition, and an engaging read that pulled me along to a quietly melancholic finish.
The plot itself felt somewhat familiar while I was reading it (very little in the universe is original), but I still found myself curious as to what was in the Medical Bay, and the story did keep it dangling long enough that I found the reveal satisfying. There certainly isn't much action occurring within the story's parameters (we don't see the asteroid, nor the crew going into the chambers, nor the Commander's final moments/the rescue team's arrival), and maybe that's what >>ShortNSweet would like to see (I certainly wouldn't say no to an expansion), but this story seems to accomplish what it sets out to do within its word limit. It paints a lonely picture of a moment where home is simply too far to reach, but the protagonist heads for it anyway, and that sort of persistence in the face of crushing futility leaves me with a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
In all, strong thematic use of the prompt, excellent composition, and an engaging read that pulled me along to a quietly melancholic finish.
He Kindly Stopped for Me: ( With apologies to Emily Dickinson )
>>Orbiting_kettle >>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Ratlab >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Xepher
Consensus seems to be: more words, refinement of death montage, general heavy sanding. Possibly stronger utilization of the characters. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.
>>billymorph
Life is pain; I long for oblivion
Good job, all! This was a rather tricky prompt, and the variety and quality of stories that were submitted were, as always, quite impressive.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Ratlab >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Xepher
Consensus seems to be: more words, refinement of death montage, general heavy sanding. Possibly stronger utilization of the characters. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.
>>billymorph
Life is pain; I long for oblivion
Good job, all! This was a rather tricky prompt, and the variety and quality of stories that were submitted were, as always, quite impressive.
Two Messages:
So do you ever do that thing where you submit free verse at 2am and then neglect to check and make sure all your formatting goes through? I doubt mere spacing would have made much difference, but still. My poor orphaned indentations. 😢
This was my third foray into narrative verse, and as such was predictably rough. Thank you to all who commented for being relatively gentle with it.
>>ZaidValRoa
None, actually. This had essentially no substance to begin with--it was the third piece I wrote for this round, and the only real idea I had in mind was a bike ride, a hill, and pain. (After being forced to ride my bike to and from class/work during the summer--uphill both ways, naturally--I needed to relieve my pent-up hatred towardsMount Riverbend the road I live off of.)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Not_A_Hat >>TheCyanRecluse >>horizon >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Thank you for your thoughts, critiques, and concerns. You raise valid points and I will be sure to bear them in mind.
>>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras
I have a preference for flowery prose, so I don't tend to associate feelings and descriptive language so much with poetry--the general elements you describe often worm their way into my normal writing. However, you've provoked quite some thought as to the nature and purpose of poetry, and I greatly appreciate your suggestions. Thanks!
So do you ever do that thing where you submit free verse at 2am and then neglect to check and make sure all your formatting goes through? I doubt mere spacing would have made much difference, but still. My poor orphaned indentations. 😢
This was my third foray into narrative verse, and as such was predictably rough. Thank you to all who commented for being relatively gentle with it.
>>ZaidValRoa
how much substance was sacrificed in name of style
None, actually. This had essentially no substance to begin with--it was the third piece I wrote for this round, and the only real idea I had in mind was a bike ride, a hill, and pain. (After being forced to ride my bike to and from class/work during the summer--uphill both ways, naturally--I needed to relieve my pent-up hatred towards
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Not_A_Hat >>TheCyanRecluse >>horizon >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Thank you for your thoughts, critiques, and concerns. You raise valid points and I will be sure to bear them in mind.
>>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras
I have a preference for flowery prose, so I don't tend to associate feelings and descriptive language so much with poetry--the general elements you describe often worm their way into my normal writing. However, you've provoked quite some thought as to the nature and purpose of poetry, and I greatly appreciate your suggestions. Thanks!
My Kingdom for a Snack:
>>Not_A_Hat >>georg >>Monokeras >>TheCyanRecluse
Thank you kindly for your all your insights and thoughts; they were quite enlightening. There seems to be a general consensus as to the age of the child being inconsistent, so I'll make a note to clean that up, should I ever revisit this story in the future.
>>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny
Thank you for your specific suggestions. You raise some good points.
>>horizon
... brb, rewriting the story.
>>billymorph
Thanks for comment, but latter half unclear
>>Not_A_Hat >>georg >>Monokeras >>TheCyanRecluse
Thank you kindly for your all your insights and thoughts; they were quite enlightening. There seems to be a general consensus as to the age of the child being inconsistent, so I'll make a note to clean that up, should I ever revisit this story in the future.
>>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny
Thank you for your specific suggestions. You raise some good points.
>>horizon
king reacting thoughtfully to what felt like a sick burn
... brb, rewriting the story.
>>billymorph
Thanks for comment, but latter half unclear
I'd like to say thank you to everyone who read and enjoyed Solitude for the Modern Businessmare. I've read all of your comments, and I will carefully consider each of your suggestions as I push this through editing.
I've been stretched rather thin lately, but when I saw the writing period fell over the weekend I'd set aside to study for the GRE, I figured this might be a good way to blow off some steam in between practice sections. I've wanted to write a Rarity piece for a while now, and her tone of narration was exactly the sort of relief I needed from the oppressive sterility of academic writing.
I put off reading any of the reviews until after the final results rolled out, so the ranking came as a bit of a pleasant surprise. I'm quite glad so many readers were able to enjoy it, because I haven't had this much fun with a Writeoff entry in a long time.
Congratulations to Posh and horizon for their excellently-written pieces, to the other finalists for making it into the second round, and to everyone for managing to write something they were able to share with the crowd.
I've been stretched rather thin lately, but when I saw the writing period fell over the weekend I'd set aside to study for the GRE, I figured this might be a good way to blow off some steam in between practice sections. I've wanted to write a Rarity piece for a while now, and her tone of narration was exactly the sort of relief I needed from the oppressive sterility of academic writing.
I put off reading any of the reviews until after the final results rolled out, so the ranking came as a bit of a pleasant surprise. I'm quite glad so many readers were able to enjoy it, because I haven't had this much fun with a Writeoff entry in a long time.
Congratulations to Posh and horizon for their excellently-written pieces, to the other finalists for making it into the second round, and to everyone for managing to write something they were able to share with the crowd.
>>Monokeras
Monokeras for best Writeoff announcer.
>>CoffeeMinion >>Not_A_Hat
It's worth noting that there may eventually be Writeoff participants who come from outside the MLP community. Two of my best friends from high school have expressed interest in participating in the original fiction rounds, and only one of them has any familiarity with the show. Writing pony for this round would definitely be hard mode, as Not_A_Hat said.
Monokeras for best Writeoff announcer.
>>CoffeeMinion >>Not_A_Hat
It's worth noting that there may eventually be Writeoff participants who come from outside the MLP community. Two of my best friends from high school have expressed interest in participating in the original fiction rounds, and only one of them has any familiarity with the show. Writing pony for this round would definitely be hard mode, as Not_A_Hat said.
Belated acknowledgements: Spectrum
>>Bradel >>Cold in Gardez >>Monokeras >>Ratlab >>Remedyfortheheart >>Icenrose >>horizon >>TitaniumDragon >>georg
Thanks for your thoughts/advice/critiques, everyone. It was a bit of a struggle to scrape an entry together this round--had three tests right before the prompt drop, faulty technology that threw off my homework schedule, a really inconvenient 20th birthday (which likely makes the inspiration for the story painfully obvious), yet another test the morning after the deadline, etc. Spectrum quite literally never saw the light of day--it was written in the late-night lulls between chemistry and neuropsych. Judging by some of the reactions I received, the lack of fully lucid writing time shows.
Still, like every Writeoff, this was a learning experience, and I greatly appreciate each of you taking the time to leave your comments. The raw skill and technical finesse displayed in these competitions consistently leaves me wowed. Congrats to the finalists/medalists!
>>Bradel >>Cold in Gardez >>Monokeras >>Ratlab >>Remedyfortheheart >>Icenrose >>horizon >>TitaniumDragon >>georg
Thanks for your thoughts/advice/critiques, everyone. It was a bit of a struggle to scrape an entry together this round--had three tests right before the prompt drop, faulty technology that threw off my homework schedule, a really inconvenient 20th birthday (which likely makes the inspiration for the story painfully obvious), yet another test the morning after the deadline, etc. Spectrum quite literally never saw the light of day--it was written in the late-night lulls between chemistry and neuropsych. Judging by some of the reactions I received, the lack of fully lucid writing time shows.
Still, like every Writeoff, this was a learning experience, and I greatly appreciate each of you taking the time to leave your comments. The raw skill and technical finesse displayed in these competitions consistently leaves me wowed. Congrats to the finalists/medalists!
Paging WIP