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#24343 ·
· on Plip · >>Xepher
This has some fantastic imagery. Minds spread out over billions of light years, taking eons for a single thought is brilliantly imaginative. And then the camping scene at the end brings it back to earth, keeps it relatable.

I do have one nitpick. Aside from the names Celestia and Luna, it's not much of a pony fic; it's only one find-and-replace away from being an entry in one of the original rounds. A good entry, mind. But it was something I couldn't help but notice.

#24058 · 8
Oh God, it finally happened.
#20908 · 1
· on Born Killers
"Slayer" is a bold name for a character. Fortunately, a vampire hunter is going to be able to pull it off more than most characters. Unfortunately, he never does any actual vampire hunting to earn the name.

The biggest problem, though, is that you've shown us the wrong scene. You've just shown the hunters talking; they mention a number of moments that would have been much more exciting.

Every vampire we've hunted down in our lives we've found because there was a dead body that made us suspicious.

This could be a story. Show the hunters hunting.

You can't say that her reaction when we first met wasn't suspicious. As soon as she saw me enter the room, she flinched and got even paler than she already was when I saw her through the window."

This would have been a good moment to show. Meeting a woman and piecing together that something isn't right, with a reveal that she's a vampire (or that they think she is) would work fine as a writeoff piece.

Or show us the trivia night with the woman who might or might not be a vampire.

Any of those would be more interesting than a couple of talking heads.
#20907 · 1
· on Patrimony · >>Baal Bunny
That was a nicely executed twist. This one's near the top for me.

So the ogre can shape-shift, right? What I got out of it was that the "cat" is actually the ogre's kid, who can do the same thing, pretending to be a cat. The 'Dad' in the last sentence is referring to the ogre.
#20293 · 4
· on All I'm Saying Is, It Could Work
I'm not going to lie: this wasn't my most inspired story. I mean, it's basically a 700 word suicide joke. If I was going to post this anywhere else, the synopsis would basically be what >>Samey90 said:
Everyone who survived the apocalypse is a millenial

Thanks for reading it though.
#19803 · 1
· on No I'm fine
Well, it looks like we have our controversial entry for the round.

I think I'll start by saying what I think this story is about, since there seems to be a lot of different opinions on that. To me, this is essentially a story about a depressed man committing suicide via prostate cancer. The constant repetition of "It will be over soon" and "I won't have to worry about it" sure reads like he's expecting to die.

And then you get to this line, buried in the middle of a paragraph:
[...]and the place he ran off the road trying to kiss Mom for the first time and I couldn’t think of anything in my life that I had ever been that genuinely excited about not a car or a house[...]

He's dying, and he doesn't really feel too strongly about being alive.

I'm not going to comment on the style, there are enough other people doing that.

The issue I have is that you spend a lot of time and words talking about something that is going to happen "soon" but never show it. He is in the exact same situation at the end as at the beginning. That especially irks me because the whole time you're building up tension by having him lie about and hide his illness. Why do that if you are never going to release it. You're like a paragraph short of having a plot; it seems clear enough that he can't hide the lit forever, so just have him get caught. A sentence or two of him keeling over at work is all you need. I feel like you've shown us two trains racing at each other, and then cut away right before the crash.

This would be a lot stronger with an ending.
#19619 · 1
· on · >>horizon
Here we go, the good entry that was written in a fraction of the time of the bad one. I like how this turned out, even if there is plenty of room for improvement (when isn't there?).

First order of business: one impression I got from some of the comments was that I didn't make it clear enough that the stuff in the first scene break is supposed to be a flashback to the season 4 opener, when Twilight has a vision of Celestia and Nightmare Moon fighting, i.e this scene.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Focus it is, then. I suppose I'll narrow it to just Twilight's POV, and make her worries more coherent. A fear of replacing Celestia and a fear of becoming another Nightmare Moon do not need to be very different.

The ending is trickier. I debated giving the complete ending, with Twilight raising the sun, and there are enough words left even here to do it, but... I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't be at all redundant. I haven't seen anyone express any doubt at what happens after the second flashback, after all.

It's not that Twilight turning evil is actually likely to happen, it's Twilight worrying about turning evil. For me, that seems like a very Twilight thing to do.

Thank you for discussing it! It was very fun to hear you analyzing my story. I'm definitely going to give that another listen or two while I figure out how to edit this thing.

Thank you kindly. Best of luck in the finals.

To wrap up I just want to say that I had a lot of fun with the title. The first titles that came to mind were things like "Sunrise" and "Up," which work, but are just too generic. I like how the arrow feels on there in contrast.
#19617 · 2
· on Warning: contains Pinkie Pie
What! it didn't make finals! how can this be?

All joking aside, at least now maybe my eye will stop twitching over that uncapitalized 'c' in the title.

I can't dispute this criticism, I'm afraid. Looking back, I can't seem to remember that I was trying to do anything with this beyond present a very weird situation. It was one of those stories that started out as a clear mental image, and ended up just being a description of that, rather than trying to live on its own as a story.

One thing I want to mention, which I'll relate to the stories failure to really say anything, since I can't figure out how else to segue into it: I stole the idea for this (in broad strokes). The image this story is based off of is a rip off of a scene from Gravity's Rainbow ("It was a giant Adenoid!..." pg 14), a book which, while even more absurd than this, certainly has quite a lot to say.

Thank you for the advice, it is much appreciated. This particular story I think I might just take behind the shed instead of rewriting (my only hesitation in doing so is the first line, which I'm a little attached to), but I will think about this stuff the next time around.

Thank you all again, for the feedback and not calling my piece a trollfic. Have a wonderful writeoff.
#18935 · 2
· on Honed in the Dark
It feels too short. Yes, it's a minific round, but it just runs into the word limit and stops instead of trying to give us a conclusion. It doesn't work as a minific, I think--I want to read the novel this feels like it's from.

"Taking the fight to Mars" looks right to me. It's talking about going from fighting Martians on earth to fighting Martians on Mars.
#18905 · 3
I'm in! It's... words alright.
#17758 · 2
· on First Contact of the Fifth Kind · >>BlueChameleonVI
I smell a crackfic. There's not really a lot to say about this one, I think. It knows what it is.
#17757 · 3
· on Big Important Wizard · >>Paracompact
The names of supporting characters usually aren't very important, but naming one "Feghoof" is a dangerous game. It took me out of the story for a moment to wonder what the punchline was going to be. That's no good, and it's sad to see the rest of the story overshadowed by a throwaway detail like that.
#17756 · 1
· on Morning Palaver II · >>Monokeras
I don't know what's going on here. What does the last line mean? Was it Discord disguised as Luna? The origin of Nightmare Moon, like>>FanOfMostEverything said? Just a prank? There's some good absurd comedy this round, this one has got the absurd, it doesn't really land the comedy.

Also, I have a feeling you're going to be hammered hard over that "retard" line. This fic has issues, but there's no need for poor taste to be one of them.
#17755 · 1
· on A Little Shortcut

Good, absurd humor. I like it.

>>Miller Minus
To be fair to Starlight, she was traumatized by losing her horn.
#17754 · 4
· on Thank You for Coming
Sunset and Starlight's dueling was pretty funny. And you could do a pretty good story about searching for more alicorns. But this just didn't cohere for me. Which is to say I don't really have a lot to add to the criticism that has already been given. Loved Starlight's switchblade, though, that got a good laugh out of me.
#17747 ·
· on In Tambelon Comes The Hungry Darkness · >>georg
“Justice.” The dark spectre lifted a hoof and swept back the cowl from over her face, revealing a dark alicorn whose mane flowed with glitters of stellar light. “You were a fool, old goat. Never once did you consider that the robe and scythe could be borrowed from a good friend who I had not seen in a long while.”

Ah, the magic of friendship.

Not all of the details come through clearly, though. It wasn't until I read >>FanOfMostEverything that I realized
The bearded one shall fall first
was referring to Starswirl and not Discord. That was just me, though, and it was more obvious rereading it, do it isn't a serious issue by any means.
#17743 · 1
· on Trixie and Twilight's Magnificent Vanishing Act · >>BlueChameleonVI
The first section is pretty rough. I'm not sure you can use em dashes like that. The rest is brilliant though. Probably my favorite entry I've read so far.
#17741 · 1
· on Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. · >>Bachiavellian
Why is the last sentence present tense?

Aside from that, it's nice enough. It's always fun to see Twilight and Celestia acting more like peers.
#17681 · 1
· on Quiet Thunder · >>BlueChameleonVI
I'll start off by saying that I don't know enough about poetry to jusdge this as accurately as it deserves, but I appluad your ambition. That being said, I do have an issue with this:
To prove your skills and make the most
Of flying, soaring, things to boast

About?” He shrugged. So Fluttershy
Showed him a flying butterfly

It doesn't work, and jarred me right out of the poem.
#17613 · 1
I'm in!

I'm not as happy with the execution as I am with my idea, but I'm in.
#16976 ·
· on Along the Way
This story feels incomplete.

I second that. This story doesn't have an ending. It just cuts off before it can really go anywhere.
#16872 · 3
Woot! It's in.
#14138 · 2
Well, there's my "story" in. I see a lot of people saying their entries are pretty strange, so that makes me fell a little better.
#13579 ·
Aach. It doesn't look like I'm going to make it. And I actually had an idea I liked, too. Oh well. Best of luck to everyone else!
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