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>>Pascoite
yeah I think Flax is a really weird choice to include on there, because (1) most everyone associates it with golden hair, (2) the article for Flax itself is categorized under "shades of yellow" instead, so someone at wikipedia must be drunk.
and...... so what? so you're throwing the rest of the off-white colors out with the bathwater? I hope not.
This isn't about semantics, but trying to understand how people perceive vision. almost all readers will associate her with white, no matter how much you argue with them in the comments that you're technically correct. that 9% is significant or insignificant only depending on the context, just like my example with how Rarity (who's closer to pure white than Vinyl) can suddenly appear grey in a specific shot.
though as far as semantics goes, "very pale yellow" and "yellowish" are so vague that the reader will just think "yellow" and not know exactly how much to dilute it in their mind. and then may (or may not) get distracted wondering why Vinyl looks like Fluttershy. it's telling instead of showing. there's a lot of writing advice out there about avoiding the adverb "very", because of situations like this.
It's weird reading that by someone who critiques, but I can't argue with that.
yeah I think Flax is a really weird choice to include on there, because (1) most everyone associates it with golden hair, (2) the article for Flax itself is categorized under "shades of yellow" instead, so someone at wikipedia must be drunk.
and...... so what? so you're throwing the rest of the off-white colors out with the bathwater? I hope not.
This isn't about semantics, but trying to understand how people perceive vision. almost all readers will associate her with white, no matter how much you argue with them in the comments that you're technically correct. that 9% is significant or insignificant only depending on the context, just like my example with how Rarity (who's closer to pure white than Vinyl) can suddenly appear grey in a specific shot.
though as far as semantics goes, "very pale yellow" and "yellowish" are so vague that the reader will just think "yellow" and not know exactly how much to dilute it in their mind. and then may (or may not) get distracted wondering why Vinyl looks like Fluttershy. it's telling instead of showing. there's a lot of writing advice out there about avoiding the adverb "very", because of situations like this.
Anyway, I can't imagine this is really going to be the thing the decides for people whether they like the story or not.
It's weird reading that by someone who critiques, but I can't argue with that.
>>Pascoite
you know Vinyl's a fan name for DJ Pon-3, right?
color IS perception, and perception is affected by surrounding colors. FEFDE7 in CMYK is only 9% yellow, which is perceived as white when the animation uses so many pastel colors, such as her blue hair. it's like calling Rarity a very pale cyan, it's very hard to perceive unless she's surrounded by brighter colors (in a recent episode where she's wearing gold armor, her grey is much more noticable)
that color range is more accurately a shade of white anyway, and those color names would be a better pick than starting with yellow and trying to desaturate it with adjectives.
You'd rather I conform to fandom perception than be accurate?
color IS perception, and perception is affected by surrounding colors. FEFDE7 in CMYK is only 9% yellow, which is perceived as white when the animation uses so many pastel colors, such as her blue hair. it's like calling Rarity a very pale cyan, it's very hard to perceive unless she's surrounded by brighter colors (in a recent episode where she's wearing gold armor, her grey is much more noticable)
that color range is more accurately a shade of white anyway, and those color names would be a better pick than starting with yellow and trying to desaturate it with adjectives.
(I am not a journalist. Just a lawyer and doctor and economist.)
This seems to be using the broken window fallacy. This isn't a flaw in the story - not certain, but I get the feeling the author did this intentionally for irony. However, I still think it's the wrong decision here.
For such a controversial issue, I would expect a professional news article to explain both sides' positions. Sure this feels like an editorial that has already chosen a side, but at least it would provide some rebuttals to the other side (no matter how half-assed and strawman-ish those points might be). Instead, this seems to go on for too many words about what other countries are doing, even if it doesn't seem entirely relevant. If it's an article that's just reporting on the facts, then it's going too far off-topic from the interesting starting point. If it's meant more as an editorial, all that backstory doesn't seem to support the writer's political argument in any meaningful way.
This has a great catchy title, but it feels misleading when the fic barely talks about the supervillains themselves. Why not interview one or two, to provide some quotes and anecdotes? Journalism is about telling the story, after all. When you imitate the style, you should keep a similar tight focus on those directly involved.
MIssed opportunity to include a tweet from President Trump giving his 2 cents on the issue. I see that in nearly every BBC article on politics, I dunno if other news sites do that too. Also missed opportunity to spin this into how "Millenials are killing the superhero industry!" Okay okay you probably didn't ask me for comedy advice.
But besides the journalistic style, I wonder if this could've been taken into more imaginative territory than mundane job-creation. Why would big companies invest in supervillains? That's a good question, I guess there could be some plausible reasons that benefit them. How would the heroes react to this? Does this pressure them to get sponsors too just to catch up, or do they stay independent? Does this change the way the villains operate? What consequences come out of this that nobody predicted?
From this initial idea, it could've become something really fun to read, and still fit within the current format. Geez, I know this is one of those annoying reviews saying "this should've been an entirely different story," and I apologize. This is why I suspect the author's goal was to use it as a satire of our economy, but they got too focused on that endpoint and missed all the potential twists. I mean, you can write one of those different stories and still have the same message (if that's indeed what you were aiming for), and the creativity will make it all the more memorable.
p.s. I noticed the Tiger & Bunny reference, lol. Case in point, that show created a unique superhero scenario, and explored the ramifications to tell its story effectively.
This seems to be using the broken window fallacy. This isn't a flaw in the story - not certain, but I get the feeling the author did this intentionally for irony. However, I still think it's the wrong decision here.
For such a controversial issue, I would expect a professional news article to explain both sides' positions. Sure this feels like an editorial that has already chosen a side, but at least it would provide some rebuttals to the other side (no matter how half-assed and strawman-ish those points might be). Instead, this seems to go on for too many words about what other countries are doing, even if it doesn't seem entirely relevant. If it's an article that's just reporting on the facts, then it's going too far off-topic from the interesting starting point. If it's meant more as an editorial, all that backstory doesn't seem to support the writer's political argument in any meaningful way.
This has a great catchy title, but it feels misleading when the fic barely talks about the supervillains themselves. Why not interview one or two, to provide some quotes and anecdotes? Journalism is about telling the story, after all. When you imitate the style, you should keep a similar tight focus on those directly involved.
MIssed opportunity to include a tweet from President Trump giving his 2 cents on the issue. I see that in nearly every BBC article on politics, I dunno if other news sites do that too. Also missed opportunity to spin this into how "Millenials are killing the superhero industry!" Okay okay you probably didn't ask me for comedy advice.
But besides the journalistic style, I wonder if this could've been taken into more imaginative territory than mundane job-creation. Why would big companies invest in supervillains? That's a good question, I guess there could be some plausible reasons that benefit them. How would the heroes react to this? Does this pressure them to get sponsors too just to catch up, or do they stay independent? Does this change the way the villains operate? What consequences come out of this that nobody predicted?
From this initial idea, it could've become something really fun to read, and still fit within the current format. Geez, I know this is one of those annoying reviews saying "this should've been an entirely different story," and I apologize. This is why I suspect the author's goal was to use it as a satire of our economy, but they got too focused on that endpoint and missed all the potential twists. I mean, you can write one of those different stories and still have the same message (if that's indeed what you were aiming for), and the creativity will make it all the more memorable.
p.s. I noticed the Tiger & Bunny reference, lol. Case in point, that show created a unique superhero scenario, and explored the ramifications to tell its story effectively.
There's something similar in the videogame RAGE where you can sell books to merchants as near-worthless scrap paper. It's just a weird lazy joke about how these wasteland survivors don't care about reading. This fic isn't written as a comedy, but it feels equally weak as social commentary.
If someone has to explain that it's irony, it probably aint.
I'm highly skeptical an illiterate person can teach themselves to read without any teachers at all. Illustrations every few pages don't make it Dr Seuss. To be fair I'm guessing the author didn't intend for that to be a possibility for the boy. I don't think that logic is bothering anyone, so it's something else...
The boy got something like an idea in his head, that he could use this thing for some purpose he couldn't parse.
This line seems to sum up the whole story, yet also highlights the weakness. We don't know the book's exact purpose either. It's used as a vague glimpse of something grander he can't comprehend, and I get that the vagueness is intentional... but that also makes it pretty boring and hard to relate to. He finds a nice object he wants to keep on a whim, can't grasp its signifiance, but then it's lost forever anyway. Too bad.
It's a tragic note of regret, an opportunity lost forever to the older man's senseless destruction, but not much else. I can only guess that the message here is that books themselves are important, and literacy can elevate him from this ruined savagery. That's debatable, but more importantly it's not argued well.
I'm thinking the story's effect would be much stronger if it hinted that this specific book could solve the boy's immediate practical problems. We can assume what his problems are, but they're not directly shown. Maybe he can recognize something in the illustrations that is personally relevant to him (maybe it's a science book, or a Boy Scout manual)? And in that exciting moment, when he knows the book is important, having it suddenly snatched away and burned would feel like a real gut-punch!
Romeo's suicide is effective only because the audience knows with certainty that Juliet is faking her death. If we were as clueless about the situation as Romeo, the play would be forgettable.
number nitpicking time:
from my lazy online research, the Auschwitz numbers seem way off. there were thousands of guards, but most of them oversaw the labor camps. only about 120 actually managed the gas chambers. the peak death rate of the camp was reported as 20,000 per day. the average daily rate of the crematoriums was probably between 2,000-4,000 though. it wasn't only to kill people, they also wanted to burn the evidence. the characters in this fic don't care about concealing that though.
if the flying drone takes an average of 3.5 seconds per kill, that's about 25,000 per day. assuming exactly 1 round per prisoner, it needs to carry (hrmm let's assume 9mm) $3,750 worth of ammunition, weighing 657 pounds (300 kg). that drone's more expensive than it seems!
isn't that the bottleneck here? the logistics and organization, to catch every single rebel and line them up in a row, so the drone can shoot them all efficiently.
from my lazy online research, the Auschwitz numbers seem way off. there were thousands of guards, but most of them oversaw the labor camps. only about 120 actually managed the gas chambers. the peak death rate of the camp was reported as 20,000 per day. the average daily rate of the crematoriums was probably between 2,000-4,000 though. it wasn't only to kill people, they also wanted to burn the evidence. the characters in this fic don't care about concealing that though.
if the flying drone takes an average of 3.5 seconds per kill, that's about 25,000 per day. assuming exactly 1 round per prisoner, it needs to carry (hrmm let's assume 9mm) $3,750 worth of ammunition, weighing 657 pounds (300 kg). that drone's more expensive than it seems!
“Once they are detained and can no longer fight back
isn't that the bottleneck here? the logistics and organization, to catch every single rebel and line them up in a row, so the drone can shoot them all efficiently.
I think this is the most creative Discord story I've ever read, because of how his chaos here is just weird, and revels in how that can be fun. I'm tired of the common trope where Discord's merely trying to annoy everyone (or worse, where it's all an excuse for the author to be "meta" and show off how clever they are)
So even though I respect the concept so much, I wish I enjoyed this more, but it felt kind of exhausting to read. So much is happening and it takes us through the entire day of partying, I felt a little burned out....
In a story like this, I'm reminded of some of the early holiday episodes in MLP and how it uses a character's development story to carry us through all the events. Winter Wrap-Up and Luna Eclipsed are partly about Twilight/Luna learning about the holiday, but also an arc about them trying to fit in with the community.
Maybe that's more rewriting than the author really wants to do, so here's an opposite example: that MLP comics story where Big Mac is trying to find some nails. It's hardly an arc at all, but that simple quest helps anchor the reader's attention when there's so much going on in the background, including a carnival and a parade and a dance party.
I didn't read this in the prelims, so I missed the chance to draw something based on it. Now I wish I did, because there's a lot of fun imagery here. That's the rules, I guess.
So even though I respect the concept so much, I wish I enjoyed this more, but it felt kind of exhausting to read. So much is happening and it takes us through the entire day of partying, I felt a little burned out....
but Twilight couldn't think of a single thing to say to herself except, "It's been a long day."
"Twenty-five hours," the other her muttered, and Twilight had to giggle.
In a story like this, I'm reminded of some of the early holiday episodes in MLP and how it uses a character's development story to carry us through all the events. Winter Wrap-Up and Luna Eclipsed are partly about Twilight/Luna learning about the holiday, but also an arc about them trying to fit in with the community.
Maybe that's more rewriting than the author really wants to do, so here's an opposite example: that MLP comics story where Big Mac is trying to find some nails. It's hardly an arc at all, but that simple quest helps anchor the reader's attention when there's so much going on in the background, including a carnival and a parade and a dance party.
I didn't read this in the prelims, so I missed the chance to draw something based on it. Now I wish I did, because there's a lot of fun imagery here. That's the rules, I guess.
I had a lot of fun reading the section with Rarity and Minuette and Spike. The interactions between the characters is really cute, but I think what shines is there's suspense in the operation. I really wanted to know WTF happened to Rarity and if she'll be ok, and that kept me reading.
The rest of the fic felt awkward to me, and I think it's because it foreshadows the punchline so early. It's not much of a surprise what happened to Luna, and it just becomes a lot of riffing on her drug trip. I was wincing in sympathy for Rarity's suffering, but here I'm just a detached observer for Luna getting high, and that felt a little boring.
The rest of the fic felt awkward to me, and I think it's because it foreshadows the punchline so early. It's not much of a surprise what happened to Luna, and it just becomes a lot of riffing on her drug trip. I was wincing in sympathy for Rarity's suffering, but here I'm just a detached observer for Luna getting high, and that felt a little boring.
it took me this long to catch that the joke about XCOM refers to the current series, and not the games from the 90s. since this is set 20 years in the future, that's about an equal distance in time. and with readers arguing over the feasibility of using IRC here, I totally glossed over that one detail because it sounded like that conversation could happen today, with someone on IRC saying they weren't old enough to play those old DOS games.
that was weird. (just because I forgot the reboot existed)
that was weird. (just because I forgot the reboot existed)
data point: I figured out the twist pretty early. Not by any logic, but when they quote the rules that 0 humans is a possibility, that jumped out to me as the most likely twist. It seemed obvious to me this was building up to a surprise gotcha ending.
It was still enjoyable though! The above didn't matter because I was still gripped in the conversation and trying to follow the mindgames. I knew the ending, but I was still dying to see how it got there. The varied character voices are great, and I was impressed the author was able to juggle them all consistently.
On a conceptual level, I was just slightly unsatisfied. It's just a game, and I was hoping there'd be something deeper than some of the bots being better at playing the game than others. Though it could be argued <fern> is trying to win through social skills rather than logical evidence, the explanation at the end felt more like uh.... a Xanatos Gambit, haha. So despite how entertaining I said it was, I'm not sure if I felt all that invested in it beyond just detached curiosity who'll win the game. maybe this is due to figuring out the twist ahead of time, though. I dunno if this any use as criticism, just my reactions and what I expect out of this type of subject matter.
It was still enjoyable though! The above didn't matter because I was still gripped in the conversation and trying to follow the mindgames. I knew the ending, but I was still dying to see how it got there. The varied character voices are great, and I was impressed the author was able to juggle them all consistently.
On a conceptual level, I was just slightly unsatisfied. It's just a game, and I was hoping there'd be something deeper than some of the bots being better at playing the game than others. Though it could be argued <fern> is trying to win through social skills rather than logical evidence, the explanation at the end felt more like uh.... a Xanatos Gambit, haha. So despite how entertaining I said it was, I'm not sure if I felt all that invested in it beyond just detached curiosity who'll win the game. maybe this is due to figuring out the twist ahead of time, though. I dunno if this any use as criticism, just my reactions and what I expect out of this type of subject matter.
>>Trick_Question
I admit I misread it, but I think it was this section:
in hindsight, the "eyes widening" should've made it clearer that she was completely surprised, but the first time I honestly thought the story was hinting that Starlight already knew/suspected. like bringing up that Trixie already knows the identity, and that Trixie is a bad liar. I think it's the pacing, rather than the words, that made me believe Starlight was trying to bait a confession out of Trixie the whole time, rather than a genuine concern for her safety.
It's also not stated why Starlight wrapped up her own gift at a point before she even knows how Trixie feels about the fanmail, so my first assumption is it was planned as part of the bait.
I can see this as a minific limitation problem like you pointed out, and it would've made more sense in multiple scenes where the characters get time to process what they've learned. I now feel guilty for completely misreading the fic as a comedy instead of a romance, but hopefully this helps.
I admit I misread it, but I think it was this section:
Starlight sighed and pet Trixie's mane. "Then what about this gift? Does this frighten you?" she asked, producing a small, wrapped box from her saddlebags.
Trixie opened her eyes and looked at the box levitating in front of her. "What? I don't remember sending this."
"Sweet Celestia," said Starlight, her eyes widening. "It's you! You're your own secret admirer!"
in hindsight, the "eyes widening" should've made it clearer that she was completely surprised, but the first time I honestly thought the story was hinting that Starlight already knew/suspected. like bringing up that Trixie already knows the identity, and that Trixie is a bad liar. I think it's the pacing, rather than the words, that made me believe Starlight was trying to bait a confession out of Trixie the whole time, rather than a genuine concern for her safety.
It's also not stated why Starlight wrapped up her own gift at a point before she even knows how Trixie feels about the fanmail, so my first assumption is it was planned as part of the bait.
I can see this as a minific limitation problem like you pointed out, and it would've made more sense in multiple scenes where the characters get time to process what they've learned. I now feel guilty for completely misreading the fic as a comedy instead of a romance, but hopefully this helps.
I know this one was random and meta, but I didn't really get any critique. The comments seemed mostly positive, so I have absolutely no idea what went wrong here.
Was it skipped because it had "4" in the column?
Was it skipped because it had "4" in the column?
>>horizon
In this context, I interpreted it as using the slang (transitive) verb definition which means to quickly eat -- i.e. "they were eating up this stuff last week" -- which I mostly remember seeing in Redwall novels and rarely anywhere else. Sometimes seen as "scarf". However, I think this version is only commonly accepted in the literal sense of eating, and not as a metaphor.
I think this version of the dialogue makes more sense, but it's still possible it was meant to be "scoffing at", as in ridiculing, so uh.... I dunno.
"Scoffing at". "Scoff" is not a transitive verb.
In this context, I interpreted it as using the slang (transitive) verb definition which means to quickly eat -- i.e. "they were eating up this stuff last week" -- which I mostly remember seeing in Redwall novels and rarely anywhere else. Sometimes seen as "scarf". However, I think this version is only commonly accepted in the literal sense of eating, and not as a metaphor.
I think this version of the dialogue makes more sense, but it's still possible it was meant to be "scoffing at", as in ridiculing, so uh.... I dunno.
>>Roseluck
Heh, it was a complete accident because I was so rushed against the deadline. This black ink is waterproof, but apparently it wasn't 100% dry when I started coloring. But I'll take it as a happy accident.
The smudging of black ink in some areas almost seems intentional too. It's only happening around her eyes and the cutie mark. Almost like she was crying?
Heh, it was a complete accident because I was so rushed against the deadline. This black ink is waterproof, but apparently it wasn't 100% dry when I started coloring. But I'll take it as a happy accident.
I had nearly the same reaction as >>Pearple_Prose above. For a few minutes, this fic really absorbed me and got me to care about these two. The stronger bits do a great job of carrying emotion and hinting at character building. And I've seen a lot of story concepts similar to this (especially with these characters), but this puts just the right twist on things that I didn't feel it was cliche.
But there are weaker parts that perhaps the author felt obligated to include, which I think are simply not needed. Like there's many lines meant to tie this into the show's canon timeline, but they feel kind of forced and telly. For example the camera, meant to hint at a specific s8 episode, but I didn't care much about that realization because I'd rather just watch these two interact for a while. In my opinion, it's okay to use canon, but don't feel constrained by it.
I actually liked the hook, but I feel like it's constructed out of order. The moment where I quickly recognize who the visitor is, yet Fancypants's reaction is the exact opposite of what I expected, that's when this grabbed my full attention! I think that feeling of horror is what needs to be front and center at the start, rather than that vague greeting and how his day went. I mean I do like that paragraph for establishing his character, it just shouldn't be the first one I read. Don't let it hog the spotlight.
I want to read more of this one.
But there are weaker parts that perhaps the author felt obligated to include, which I think are simply not needed. Like there's many lines meant to tie this into the show's canon timeline, but they feel kind of forced and telly. For example the camera, meant to hint at a specific s8 episode, but I didn't care much about that realization because I'd rather just watch these two interact for a while. In my opinion, it's okay to use canon, but don't feel constrained by it.
I actually liked the hook, but I feel like it's constructed out of order. The moment where I quickly recognize who the visitor is, yet Fancypants's reaction is the exact opposite of what I expected, that's when this grabbed my full attention! I think that feeling of horror is what needs to be front and center at the start, rather than that vague greeting and how his day went. I mean I do like that paragraph for establishing his character, it just shouldn't be the first one I read. Don't let it hog the spotlight.
I want to read more of this one.
7. I’m pretty sure it would count as bestiality.
so, Twilight's in denial about this one too, right? hot
this fic could've been the same joke done 10 times in a row, but the punchline at the end here makes it so much better.
I was reminded a little of a flashfic by Trick Question with a similar idea. they're written very differently so I doubt there's any influence on this one. I just felt like plugging it.
Is.... this in response to the child abuse thing from last round?
Either way, not enough blood!!! I demand gratuitous blood! Spike dying off-screen doesn't count.
Either way, not enough blood!!! I demand gratuitous blood! Spike dying off-screen doesn't count.
It's so random, I feel dizzy like Pinkie Pie from reading this.
But in a good way.
Not the bleeding to death way.
I liked this.
But in a good way.
Not the bleeding to death way.
And Ah’m friends with Rainbow Dash. And Twilight.” Pause. “And Rarity.”
I liked this.
This is quite well written. Everything happening is clear, and I feel the emotion of the events. I have no complaints about the execution.
The problem is the story isn't that memorable, because the characters have 0 control over their situation, i.e. agency. They don't get to make any decisions, not even small ones. So it's all very grim and bleak, but doesn't haunt me in the same way as someone making a mistake and regretting the consequences. Even at the end, it would've meant something if he said those words of his own free will, you know?
Halfway through, I idly wondered if the father was actually a changeling so as to control the daughter and keep her calm. maybe if she didn't listen to her fake father, she'd have the power to escape or something? This didn't happen, but now I think it might've been more interesting. Not just because of a twist, but by adding uncertainty to their fates.
The problem is the story isn't that memorable, because the characters have 0 control over their situation, i.e. agency. They don't get to make any decisions, not even small ones. So it's all very grim and bleak, but doesn't haunt me in the same way as someone making a mistake and regretting the consequences. Even at the end, it would've meant something if he said those words of his own free will, you know?
Halfway through, I idly wondered if the father was actually a changeling so as to control the daughter and keep her calm. maybe if she didn't listen to her fake father, she'd have the power to escape or something? This didn't happen, but now I think it might've been more interesting. Not just because of a twist, but by adding uncertainty to their fates.
While reading this I really wished the artwork could be moved to the top of the page in these rounds. I was confused for the first few sections, so then I skip to the end to see pic what it's based on, and then the context was much clearer. Feature, not a bug. Most people see the cover of a book, or the artwork on FimFic, before reading something.
and when I have to scroll down, I'm at risk of accidentally reading the last few lines and spoiling the ending. I really, really wish they could be moved to the top!
that said, I somehow managed to avoid spoiling the ending on this one. Unfortunately, while reading this I felt kind of impatient about the crucial hidden information. Who is this character and why is the story hiding it from me? And this time, I do think that's a flaw. But I can see what this story is trying to do with the reveal at the end, and I think it's pretty interesting on its own.
So I'm not saying to outright tell me everything about her upfront, but I need some kind of misdirection. Like a hint about what she's doing, or that she's searching for something? I mostly felt distracted, like "hurry up and tell me who she is," since I had no idea where the story was going.
After finishing it, I like the story more and could enjoy its creepy atmosphere, since I already understood what was going on. But that first reading could've been much more impactful. Suspense and confusion is just holding it back.
and when I have to scroll down, I'm at risk of accidentally reading the last few lines and spoiling the ending. I really, really wish they could be moved to the top!
that said, I somehow managed to avoid spoiling the ending on this one. Unfortunately, while reading this I felt kind of impatient about the crucial hidden information. Who is this character and why is the story hiding it from me? And this time, I do think that's a flaw. But I can see what this story is trying to do with the reveal at the end, and I think it's pretty interesting on its own.
So I'm not saying to outright tell me everything about her upfront, but I need some kind of misdirection. Like a hint about what she's doing, or that she's searching for something? I mostly felt distracted, like "hurry up and tell me who she is," since I had no idea where the story was going.
After finishing it, I like the story more and could enjoy its creepy atmosphere, since I already understood what was going on. But that first reading could've been much more impactful. Suspense and confusion is just holding it back.
Paging WIP