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You know, I kinda didn’t like this one at first but it’s really grown on me; especially interesting is that my initial thought about it—that it lacked “personality”—becomes weaker and weaker held with each reread.
It is certainly obfuscated well in its words—aside from contextual pickings that lead one to figure out what the setting is and the mood (as well as some gut-wrenchingly evocative imagery in the penultimate stanza), it’s difficult to dredge through some of these lines to figure out what they mean. More thought and more re-reads should help determine which ones don’t work and which ones fly over my shriveled peanut brain.
Also, I think this is the only poem I’ve read this round that is almost certainly pony! That definitely ramps up the final lines there for a real emotional pun(ch).
It is certainly obfuscated well in its words—aside from contextual pickings that lead one to figure out what the setting is and the mood (as well as some gut-wrenchingly evocative imagery in the penultimate stanza), it’s difficult to dredge through some of these lines to figure out what they mean. More thought and more re-reads should help determine which ones don’t work and which ones fly over my shriveled peanut brain.
Also, I think this is the only poem I’ve read this round that is almost certainly pony! That definitely ramps up the final lines there for a real emotional pun(ch).
I feel like I’m gonna have the hot take here and say I wasn't super fond of this one; it’s clever, and honestly, the more I think about it, the more I like it. Still... it didn’t really grab me. It’s a super common theme and doesn’t really do all that much for me in general.
Pros: it tell the story with so little, and something we all know very well.
Cons: I’ve seen this kind of story so many times in the writeoffs before, and outside of it too.
Additional praise: this is the most clever iteration of it I’ve read.
Chalk it up to my own tastes. Possible abstention? I’ll need to ruminate more as I am a very deep thinker with many robust folds and creases in my brain
Pros: it tell the story with so little, and something we all know very well.
Cons: I’ve seen this kind of story so many times in the writeoffs before, and outside of it too.
Additional praise: this is the most clever iteration of it I’ve read.
Chalk it up to my own tastes. Possible abstention? I’ll need to ruminate more as I am a very deep thinker with many robust folds and creases in my brain
It starts strong and has some decent imagery, but I’m not too sure about the final stanzas; the break from the rest of the rhyming scheme seems almost intentional, but I can’t put my finger on it as to why. I can’t really tell if it hurts the poem—but going by general rules of poetry I think it might be better off without them. Perhaps combine the two together and rework the theme song of each into a single stanza that reflects the themes of it in full?
This is very tight, clear, concise. Like a fair few of the other entries here, it shares a deliberate concrete structure that is incredibly evocative; it’s my weak point, however, so I am biased in saying so.
This poem sets out to do what it wants to do very well; I can feel some of these lines—and there’s enough mystique in them to capture thought after reading. It does hinge on a very deliberate emotion, and that could be a turnoff to those not ready for the intensity. But whatever; great poem.
This poem sets out to do what it wants to do very well; I can feel some of these lines—and there’s enough mystique in them to capture thought after reading. It does hinge on a very deliberate emotion, and that could be a turnoff to those not ready for the intensity. But whatever; great poem.
Mm, goodness I love the imagery in this one; it’s very visceral, and the concrete addition of the word placement is a huge favorite of mine.
The last line in a punch all on its own and honestly, it’s fine as is—I can’t help but to feel like it still needs something. The bluntness does help it quite a bit, yet something still doesn’t feel quite... “there” (helpful, I know). Regardless, excellent work.
The last line in a punch all on its own and honestly, it’s fine as is—I can’t help but to feel like it still needs something. The bluntness does help it quite a bit, yet something still doesn’t feel quite... “there” (helpful, I know). Regardless, excellent work.
>>Lamplighter
Well, it's not something that can't be worked on very well. I stand by what I said, you have a very good potential story here that you can rough out of the draft.
Well, it's not something that can't be worked on very well. I stand by what I said, you have a very good potential story here that you can rough out of the draft.
>>Baal Bunny
I’ll go back on my original comment as I have been meaning to post a new one for a second now: you absolutely did not get a fair review in a lot of places though, to be honest. I’ll ape what I said in the writeoff chat, even as someone who only read the story twice: this is not a case of you not understanding the subject matter or not being reverent enough, as Cass and Trick both pointed out. This is a case of you not having enough time to properly construct the best supporting narrative for the type of story you wrote. I am honestly thrilled that we had such an interesting story shake things up and now I feel bad for abstaining, because overall the story is actually engaging and well-written. It just needs some proper thought and polishing so that it can’t be construed in any way as a mean-spirited, anti-humor comedy.
I’ll go back on my original comment as I have been meaning to post a new one for a second now: you absolutely did not get a fair review in a lot of places though, to be honest. I’ll ape what I said in the writeoff chat, even as someone who only read the story twice: this is not a case of you not understanding the subject matter or not being reverent enough, as Cass and Trick both pointed out. This is a case of you not having enough time to properly construct the best supporting narrative for the type of story you wrote. I am honestly thrilled that we had such an interesting story shake things up and now I feel bad for abstaining, because overall the story is actually engaging and well-written. It just needs some proper thought and polishing so that it can’t be construed in any way as a mean-spirited, anti-humor comedy.
It made me laugh, and I really appreciate the joke, but I hope you understand that I can't place this at anywhere except the bottom.
God I love you, whoever did this.
The artstyle makes it endlessly funnier, and it's adorable on top of it all.
The artstyle makes it endlessly funnier, and it's adorable on top of it all.
This is fucking breathtaking. Even though I despise Sunset Shimmer, god damn this is masterful. The image it evokes...
>>Ranmilia
Except you know, when someone actively tells someone to fuck off and belittles them for trying something they don’t like. I’m thinking a harsh response to that kind of review is completely justified.
(And a few commentors getting harassed, as I was, for posting honest but negative reactions to this piece. Stop doing that, people. Seriously. Cut it out.)
Except you know, when someone actively tells someone to fuck off and belittles them for trying something they don’t like. I’m thinking a harsh response to that kind of review is completely justified.
Hm.
Abstained.
I will say this: not funny enough to be a comedy and not reverent enough to be a serious exploration. I’d recommend studying sexual psychology a bit more if you want to write this kind of story, because it comes off as “I’ve only ever seen depictions of pedophilia in muh nipponese cartoons”. I had a lot more problems with it, but until I can muster the energy to read it a second time, that’s my snap judgment on the fic.
>>GaPJaxie
I wish I could downvote comments.
Abstained.
I will say this: not funny enough to be a comedy and not reverent enough to be a serious exploration. I’d recommend studying sexual psychology a bit more if you want to write this kind of story, because it comes off as “I’ve only ever seen depictions of pedophilia in muh nipponese cartoons”. I had a lot more problems with it, but until I can muster the energy to read it a second time, that’s my snap judgment on the fic.
>>GaPJaxie
I wish I could downvote comments.
Like the others stated, this is a good story. Potentially. Everything is there for this story to be good, but the way it was written makes it seem as though it were a first draft. Which is only to be expected! This is the writeoff after all. But yeah, amid the grammar and spelling mistakes and the prose choices, it came off as... uninterested. The parts with Celestia were done quite well, I think; they were heartwarming. A lot of Twilight's inner monologue and reflections seem to be distant and... yeah. Uninterested. Maybe that's the idea? She's in a bit of shock?
It definitely needs work, but it has the makings of a great fic and with some good effort thrown into editing it up, I think it'll be quite the story. I also agree casually with Winston about needing something more unique to make it stand out, but I'm afraid that may be empty advice as I'm not exactly sure what.
It definitely needs work, but it has the makings of a great fic and with some good effort thrown into editing it up, I think it'll be quite the story. I also agree casually with Winston about needing something more unique to make it stand out, but I'm afraid that may be empty advice as I'm not exactly sure what.
By the end, I had come to pretty much the same conclusion Trick Question had. However, despite the fact that it tried so hard, or maybe because of that, to pull on my heartstrings, you played them like a fucking fiddle. That said, by the time that Santa Hooves showed up, I had really noticed how uh... formulaic the story was. But the writing was enough to keep me wanting to reading all the way through, and despite knowing everything that was gonna happen a second before it did due to cultural osmosis, I still loved every moment of it.
It got a reaction from me. It's been done, but it doesn't matter. Even though there are a thousand busts of Helios, you still sculpted a bust of Helios.
I liked it.
It got a reaction from me. It's been done, but it doesn't matter. Even though there are a thousand busts of Helios, you still sculpted a bust of Helios.
I liked it.
Adorable~
Tree Hugger and Discord is something I wish people explored more. We had a whole episode setting up for their interactions a good two years ago and I’ve seen maybe a dozen tops. This story managed to put an interesting combo of the “death of gods” and the cultural belief in Santa Claus together in a nice, comic package. I’m always weak for Discord, and well-written Discord melts me. The little jokes and jabs here and there Discord made felt fluid, and Tree Hugger’s honesty and genuineness helps maintain the heartwarming and the humorous.
i now wish for a story exploring the misadventures of Thanatos and Santa Hooves, darnit
Trick’s right, though; we don’t actually get a feel for why he likes to do what he does so much. Sure,, he’s the living representation of that spirit of the holiday, and that should be motivation enough, but I feel like even the introduction of him somehow reflecting on past successes that really highlight how much this means to him.
Tree Hugger and Discord is something I wish people explored more. We had a whole episode setting up for their interactions a good two years ago and I’ve seen maybe a dozen tops. This story managed to put an interesting combo of the “death of gods” and the cultural belief in Santa Claus together in a nice, comic package. I’m always weak for Discord, and well-written Discord melts me. The little jokes and jabs here and there Discord made felt fluid, and Tree Hugger’s honesty and genuineness helps maintain the heartwarming and the humorous.
i now wish for a story exploring the misadventures of Thanatos and Santa Hooves, darnit
Trick’s right, though; we don’t actually get a feel for why he likes to do what he does so much. Sure,, he’s the living representation of that spirit of the holiday, and that should be motivation enough, but I feel like even the introduction of him somehow reflecting on past successes that really highlight how much this means to him.
Nice job infuriating me Andrew, lol.
The drama was handled incredibly well, although these stories tend to just... yeah. Infuriate. I went to a private school with a lot of trust fund kids, and while I never attracted any specific ire, particularly not for any relationships I had, this attitude and blithe elitism permanently enrages me.
I did notice a spelling error or two but I shall forgive you due to the nature of the round. Didn’t break me from the story, whose strength is solidified by how each progressive scene allowed the vein in my forehead to stretch the capacity of the PSI it can withstand.
that last bit made me miss my boyfriend so much you bastard ;_;
The drama was handled incredibly well, although these stories tend to just... yeah. Infuriate. I went to a private school with a lot of trust fund kids, and while I never attracted any specific ire, particularly not for any relationships I had, this attitude and blithe elitism permanently enrages me.
I did notice a spelling error or two but I shall forgive you due to the nature of the round. Didn’t break me from the story, whose strength is solidified by how each progressive scene allowed the vein in my forehead to stretch the capacity of the PSI it can withstand.
that last bit made me miss my boyfriend so much you bastard ;_;
HELLO WISCONSIN!
That was joyous. Ember and Thorax played really well off each other—hell, by the end i half expected them to kiss, given the level of chemistry going on. But that’s just me having been spoiled by this fandom, heh.
Worldbuilding was great, little bits about Ember’s past was great, characters’ voices came through clearly as them and always with something relevant to say—great work, author. The humor was also absolutely my style, although if theres one thing about this story that could be toned down, it’s the crassness. However, I’m even hesistent to say that, because some of the blatant crudeness is just side-splitting.
And god dammit, the pirate captain linking in to Ember’s illiteracy. Absolute gold.
That was joyous. Ember and Thorax played really well off each other—hell, by the end i half expected them to kiss, given the level of chemistry going on. But that’s just me having been spoiled by this fandom, heh.
Worldbuilding was great, little bits about Ember’s past was great, characters’ voices came through clearly as them and always with something relevant to say—great work, author. The humor was also absolutely my style, although if theres one thing about this story that could be toned down, it’s the crassness. However, I’m even hesistent to say that, because some of the blatant crudeness is just side-splitting.
And god dammit, the pirate captain linking in to Ember’s illiteracy. Absolute gold.
How very interesting! I wish I could do more than just gawk openly, but I’m such a sucker for creation stories. I’m not certain if the names you drew on are of any particular meaning, but I wasn’t taken aback by them as some fantasy names tend to lead one to be. The descriptions were lush and the prose was invigorating—I’m honestly quite pleased I managed to get such a good story on the first pick.
If I can come up with any places to improve on, I’ll edit my comment. First pass sees it as quite nice, though. The tone and the story gel together incredibly well, and that’s making it hard to nitpick at the moment, haha.
If I can come up with any places to improve on, I’ll edit my comment. First pass sees it as quite nice, though. The tone and the story gel together incredibly well, and that’s making it hard to nitpick at the moment, haha.
>>moonwhisper
No problem, I really empathize with Trixie here. A lot of it was uncomfortably close to my life and it stuck out because of that.
No problem, I really empathize with Trixie here. A lot of it was uncomfortably close to my life and it stuck out because of that.
>>Bachiavellian
Hey! I was that somebody!
Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything more to say. That line quite literally winded me when I read it. I felt like anything else was extraneous to say.
This was the song I imagined when I read the story: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fpI2PPRAM4
(That modest mouse one is a banger tho)
Hey! I was that somebody!
Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything more to say. That line quite literally winded me when I read it. I felt like anything else was extraneous to say.
This was the song I imagined when I read the story: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7fpI2PPRAM4
(That modest mouse one is a banger tho)
>>Pascoite
That’s actually what I read it as at first—Discoluna in the classical equine period.
CiG has a great suggestion for tidying up the end, Im not aware if he’s already shared t with you but he feels the story would benefit greatly from simply having the end dropped and the titles changed to something akin to “An Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard” and then let the poem speak for itself.
That’s actually what I read it as at first—Discoluna in the classical equine period.
CiG has a great suggestion for tidying up the end, Im not aware if he’s already shared t with you but he feels the story would benefit greatly from simply having the end dropped and the titles changed to something akin to “An Inscription on a Statue of a Lunar Guard” and then let the poem speak for itself.
Marginalia is a work of art and I'm super pleased it took first. Great work, CiG!
I actually don't like haikus all that much, but Haze, yours were amazingly comfy and very enjoyable to read. Fantastic job.
There was no way Statuesque couldn't have won. That poem was far too fun to fail. Simply beautiful, Pasco.
I'll leave my final thoughts on the other stories throughout the day.
Thank you to everyone who read my entry and took the time to comment! I actually was planning on not entering this one due to the fact that both I and a friend of mine I had shown ahead of time felt the story was both weak and confusing. However, I was unable to pull another story out of my ass, so I just bit the bullet and published this one. And I'm glad I did! This was the first time I've ever made it into the finals! And the first time I've received the "most controversial" award, haha.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Dolfeus Doseux
I was attempting to bridge the gap of poetry and prose here, and I did it very poorly. It probably would have helped in my endeavor if I'd actually listened to the discussion on poetry that inspired all the poems this round instead of just jumping right to this the instant I heard poetry was a hot topic.
>>Fenton
>>Haze
I wrote the story with the intention of it being able to be read from any of three angles: Starlight talking to Trixie, Twilight talking to Trixie, or Trixie talking to herself. How well I managed to play these off is up for debate still, I suppose. the strongest argument can be made for the Starlight theory, and it's how I wrote the poem at first. However, after a few rereads before submission I threw in some caveats that I hoped made the direction of the story a bit more diverse.
>>horizon
You're also right though. I'm completely baffled as to how this ended up getting into the finals because it really is held back by the vagueness within. This is only about 410 words long, so there's easily room to insert a few choice lines that strengthen the story significantly. While I would have loved as much of a heated debate over this story to the caliber Cymothoa enjoyed, the fact of the matter is Cymothoa is a stronger story that benefits from the mystery, while this is a weaker story that as a poem is already nebulous as fuck and doesn't really need further obfuscation.
And as for the format... yeah, the highlighter comparison is a really good one. I tried to be poignant and punchy—but if every line is poignant and punchy there's no comparison or contrast. I was trying to write it like a song, and as such I had a specific tune in mind when I wrote the lines. Needless to say, I am not a songwriter.
I do enjoy one thing I screwed around with in this story: the rhyme structure between lines. If I try and polish this story up, I'm definitely going to stick to that format. However, I'm still agreeing with what you've said: it's very hit and miss and ends up sapping some of the overall poignancy of the story.
And that takes us right to >>Posh and >>AndrewRogue
How would you suggest I take advantage of the format? In what way would I stilt the flow in order to increase impact? I have a general idea but I'm still pretty clueless, so I'm more than happy to take any suggestions either of you might have to offer.
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>PaulAsaran
I'm very glad you both liked it, it was really heartwarming to see people who really enjoyed the story despite its glaring and obvious flaws, as most of the comments essentially reflected what I was thinking about and obsessing over before I submitted it.
I actually don't like haikus all that much, but Haze, yours were amazingly comfy and very enjoyable to read. Fantastic job.
There was no way Statuesque couldn't have won. That poem was far too fun to fail. Simply beautiful, Pasco.
I'll leave my final thoughts on the other stories throughout the day.
Thank you to everyone who read my entry and took the time to comment! I actually was planning on not entering this one due to the fact that both I and a friend of mine I had shown ahead of time felt the story was both weak and confusing. However, I was unable to pull another story out of my ass, so I just bit the bullet and published this one. And I'm glad I did! This was the first time I've ever made it into the finals! And the first time I've received the "most controversial" award, haha.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Dolfeus Doseux
I was attempting to bridge the gap of poetry and prose here, and I did it very poorly. It probably would have helped in my endeavor if I'd actually listened to the discussion on poetry that inspired all the poems this round instead of just jumping right to this the instant I heard poetry was a hot topic.
>>Fenton
>>Haze
I wrote the story with the intention of it being able to be read from any of three angles: Starlight talking to Trixie, Twilight talking to Trixie, or Trixie talking to herself. How well I managed to play these off is up for debate still, I suppose. the strongest argument can be made for the Starlight theory, and it's how I wrote the poem at first. However, after a few rereads before submission I threw in some caveats that I hoped made the direction of the story a bit more diverse.
>>horizon
You're also right though. I'm completely baffled as to how this ended up getting into the finals because it really is held back by the vagueness within. This is only about 410 words long, so there's easily room to insert a few choice lines that strengthen the story significantly. While I would have loved as much of a heated debate over this story to the caliber Cymothoa enjoyed, the fact of the matter is Cymothoa is a stronger story that benefits from the mystery, while this is a weaker story that as a poem is already nebulous as fuck and doesn't really need further obfuscation.
And as for the format... yeah, the highlighter comparison is a really good one. I tried to be poignant and punchy—but if every line is poignant and punchy there's no comparison or contrast. I was trying to write it like a song, and as such I had a specific tune in mind when I wrote the lines. Needless to say, I am not a songwriter.
I do enjoy one thing I screwed around with in this story: the rhyme structure between lines. If I try and polish this story up, I'm definitely going to stick to that format. However, I'm still agreeing with what you've said: it's very hit and miss and ends up sapping some of the overall poignancy of the story.
And that takes us right to >>Posh and >>AndrewRogue
How would you suggest I take advantage of the format? In what way would I stilt the flow in order to increase impact? I have a general idea but I'm still pretty clueless, so I'm more than happy to take any suggestions either of you might have to offer.
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>PaulAsaran
I'm very glad you both liked it, it was really heartwarming to see people who really enjoyed the story despite its glaring and obvious flaws, as most of the comments essentially reflected what I was thinking about and obsessing over before I submitted it.
Paging WIP