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Winner of the WriteOff Worst Writer aWard
#26314 ·
· on Trouble Brewing
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Please next time use something else than vinegar. It leaves a horrible taste behind!
Do not try concentrated sulphuric acid, unless you want to dispose of it :p
#26312 · 2
· on Kick the Bullet
>>Pascoite
>>Heavy_Mole

Thanks a bunch for your comments and appreciation ! ♡

I had several ideas for this prompt, amongst which the chemical solution I already mentioned somewhere, but none of those would gel except the ‘reverse causality’ aspect. Besides, I had much to do at the weekend so I had to cobble those few words together quite quickly.

I thought the idea of a potential murderer talking theoretical physics with their victim before killing them would potentially elicit a sort of comical effect, but, unless you overlooked it in your respective reviews, that turned out to be a dud.

In any case, the Janus model exposed here is derived from the works of the French astrophysicist Jean-Pierre Petit, which has over the years become a Pariah first because of his unorthodox theory, and second for his (wild) belief in the Ummo conspiracy, info about which you can find here

Turning back to Janus model, the idea is that the Big-Bang created two universes instead of one, both of which are — as exposed in the text – sort of glued one to the other like two sides of a sheet are. Our universe is composed of matter only, while all the antimatter created in the original blast has been collected on the other side.

Both sides are submitted to the same gravitational law, i.e. the Einstein equation, resulting in the exact metaphor I used: if you suppose that matter (or antimatter) creates wells in the space-time fabric, then these wells will appear as knolls on the other side, and will ‘repel’ matter rather than attract it. So to be more precise, gravitation is always attractive between particles located on the same side (be they matter or antimatter) and negative between particles located on the opposite sides. This model claims to explain the shape of spiral galaxies, the distribution of matter at cosmic scale, and the acceleration of the expansion as recently observed. Whereas the current accepted ‘dogma’ has to recourse to highly speculative notions such as ‘dark energy’ or ‘dark matter’ to explain these phenomena, none of which has been observed or confirmed so far.

I don’t pretend Jean-Pierre Petit speaks the truth, just that the idea is interesting enough to warrant further study (much like the Alcubierre metric for faster-than-light™ travel), a position which the current scientific community is apparently not willing to share. That same community, however, has devoted the recent decades to the exploration of a crazy theory (Strings) which, in the end, is current abandoned because of its inability to produce any meaningful answer (as well as being unscientific according to Popper's accepted criteria).

For the rest of the story, I was sort of inspired by my childhood watching of the now iconic series ‘The Wild Wild West’, that you may have heard about.

I’ll be back to comment on Heavy's story. Thanks again so much for your love and dedication! ♡
#26307 · 1
· on Our Charter
Sorry I’m a bit late but will comment on the story before the end of the weekend
#26305 · 1
· on Trouble Brewing · >>GroaningGreyAgony
I like this one because I’m quite fond of home repair. That’s typically the kind of thing I could do at a weekend.

To be really nitpicky, I don’t see the point of disassembling the machine to descale it. Filling the reservoir with acidic water and starting a ‘dry’ run would do the trick. After all, that’s how most coffee machines are descaled. Your protagonist has a fondness for overkill. Also using vinegar to descale coffee machines is a very bad idea. It leaves a horrible taste even after a few rinses. Better use a tasteless acid, like citric or sulphamic acid.

I also had the idea to treat ‘solution’ in the prompt as a chemistry term. But I couldn't really derive anything useful from it except maybe some criminal trying to get rid of a corpse by dissolving it in lye, and flushing everything. But that wasn't really able to fit into 750 mL… oops words, sorry.
#26304 ·
· on Trouble Brewing
>>Pascoite
Please neither of those! :)
Isn’t there a third, more pleasant, option?

In any case, I’m going to join you in reviewing the stories today. Thanks for your staunch commitment all over these years.
#26300 ·
· on Trouble Brewing · >>Pascoite
>>Pascoite
Pasco you’re my personal hero.
#26296 · 1
·
I have a hectic weekend ahead, but I’ll do my best to take part.
#26279 ·
·
Oh God I should write something, but I’ve not the slightest idea about it, and now it’s too late.
#26276 ·
·
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I can’t wait to discover your art.
#26274 · 2
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
Darn, my prompt won.
I will have to write something, then. Morally obliged
#26272 · 1
· on F For Fantastical
>>Pascoite

Hi Pasco.

My apologies. I didn’t know (or, rather, notice) that you had no interest in the FiM rounds any more. Fair enough, I mainly use them as an extra opportunity to write.

I didn’t know you were roving on Discord either, I’d be chuffed to bits if we could chat from time to time over there.

Take care, and thanks for your answer!
#26270 · 1
· on F For Fantastical · >>Pascoite
>>Pascoite
Oops, sorry Pasco, I didn't know that. I won’t bother you anymore with FiM rounds then (though I use them mainly as an opportunity to write more than once every four rounds). I didn't know you were on Discord either…
#26268 · 2
· on The Mirror of Stella
>>Heavy_Mole
Thanks! I much appreciate your liking of this little work. Thanks for commenting!
#26263 · 1
· on The Mirror of Stella
>>Miller Minus

So:

The dialogue is deliberately stilted because this is assumed to take place a very long time ago. So I simply attempted to convey that temporal remoteness into words. Also, I’ve always liked the princesses speaking a sort of Shakespearian English. You know, moods and colours…

British English has a set of rules for punctuation which differs from N-A English. Especially, you put commas and such outside the quotes, except if the comma concerns the spoken sentence: 'I am', he said, 'your beholden.' vs 'Speak, friend, and enter.' Also, I’m not sure you must quote each paragraph when a single person keeps talking, but that, I admit, I didn't check.

Don’t let yourself being thrown off by such details! :)

Some of the questions I already answered in my fake review. The concept here is that Sombra was, at first, just a very bashful student, and because of that and some peculiarities, such as a strange alicorn horn, he gets picked on by other students. Repeated hurt and frustration at length gives rise to a strong desire for revenge, which brings him all the way into the evil realm. One of his first attempt at wreaking havoc amongst those who teach him is designing an item which brings out the evil part we have inside (under the disguise of a much more useful device)… And that’s how NMM was born. You know, curiosity killed the cat.

Stella was just the former ruler of the Crystal Empire. This is non-canon, of course, but the past of the Crystal Empire is very vague, so you can pretty much give free rein to your imagination there.

Thanks for commenting Miller. Much much appreciated. You’re a peach ♡
#26256 · 1
· on F For Fantastical · >>Pascoite
>>Griseus
Thanks.

I’m really sorry I was the only one to comment. My opinions are almost always biased, and I’m not good enough at writing to hand out specific and useful advice. I thought Pasco would have chimed in, as he often does, but no cigar this time. Still ‘grats for your ranking! I wish there was more people entering, I’m not sure why it dwindled out so quickly.

Cheerio!
#26253 · 1
· on Trapped Inside the Spider-Verse · >>Miller Minus
This is clearly my favourite and predicted winner for this round. At least my top of slate.

It’s quite charming in the way it tackles that little scene, and I find that slightly cynical Fluttershy absolutely delicious. This would probably be bashed by the orthodoxy as OOC, but for me who has often been deliberately writing OOC, it’s just delectable.

I just have my two usual rants:

1. I despise the word ‘utilise’. Really I loth it. This verb is a freak. Just use ‘use’ instead :)
2. I’m not really sure about the meaning of the end. Is that somehow connected to what Fluttershy said before about spiders walking into mouths? I am a bit perplexed.

Otherwise very competent job.
#26252 · 1
· on The Mirror of Stella
Okay, that one at least has a hook into the fandom's universe and presents some form of thesis about something that is left unexplained by canon, I mean how Sombra rose and why – well, if I figured it out properly what the last line means, which is roughly Sombra was bullied and when he was grown up decided to take (indiscriminate) revenge.

There is another line, which, if I get it, is: Nightmare Moon is created as a result of Luna looking into the mirror and being remembered how she was frustrated when the world began.

I also see the (a bit in-the-face) reference to the Lord of The Rings, down to the very title itself.

Fine. I think these are interesting ideas, but the format is too cramped for those to fully bloom out. I think you miss a few hundreds of words here, and that you should allow your story to breathe more, especially if you like to expand on how the paths of Luna and young Sombra meeting could lead to both falling into evil for about the same reasons.
#26251 · 2
· on The Errant Title
This one suffers from the same drawback as the previous one: it is ‘divorced’ from any sort of concept. I gather this is a sort of skit on Don Quixote, with many limits imposed by the reduced size format. But as it is, none of its characters has any poney specificity.

My other gripe would be that the story looks like an apologue, but I’m actually totally unable to guess its takeaway. What is it that you try to tell us? What's the point of the story? Why should I care after I've read the last line. All these question are left unanswered to me.
#26250 · 1
· on Bodhisattva
The idea here is certainly funny. The biggest problem here is that, as it happen often when you choose to use unknown characters, it doesn’t feel like a poney story at all, just a transposition of a (neat) original minific to a pony background in order to be able to slip it into this round.

It’s a good story, competently written at that even if I fail to properly pinpoint the flavour you tried to give it by the careful choice of your words. It’s just that it comes from nowhere and goes nowhere. There’s no hook you can use to attach it to the biggest picture. It just feels out of context.
#26249 · 1
· on F For Fantastical · >>Griseus
Ok, since no one seem game to write reviews, let's give it a quick once over:

I don’t really care much about the ‘sidekick’ characters, so this one left me a bit unconcerned. Besides, the end is blatantly rushed. I’m not sure you ran out of words, so did you run out of fuel?

The idea is fair, but, as it is often the case when dealing with sidekick characters which are not well developed, your protagonists look cardboard cut: the dog is properly stupid, and Flam is just unconvincing.
#26245 · 2
·
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Splendid!
I wish Trick could participate.
I’m sure she’ll be back sooner or later.
#26240 · 2
·
>>Griseus
Wonderful!
#26238 · 2
· · >>Miller Minus
>>Miller Minus
Yes Miller?
I am in. Luckily, I had an idea that fits quite well.
#26230 · 1
· on Sunday Meeting
>>Pascoite
Thanks for your comment Pasco.

Also I commend your staunch loyalty to the Writeoff. Your comments are always immensely valuable to me, and I suppose to the others too.

So many thanks for taking the time to write your invaluable feedback.
#26228 · 1
· · >>Miller Minus
>>Pascoite
I didn’t even notice the ‘in’. In my mind, it was ‘I was just napping’.
Paging WIP