>>Pascoite

The rules were made before Jaxie knew how many entries to expect

And? The contest I ran last year had 55 entries to it. Every single one was still read by a judge. Anyone who didn't win and wanted feedback after the fact got it.

This is what you sign up for when you agree to run and judge a contest. Be prepared for the stories your audience is spending their time and effort to give you. If you get more than you expect, you suck it up and do it anyway. (And maybe snag a few more judges if you really need to.)

I'm all for community participation, but it shouldn't be used in lieu of actual judging.

According to the rules, the general voting determines what finalists the judges see.

Seriously? 19 stories is hardly a herculean judging effort. If you're judging based on a set of criteria, and handing out money for it, every story should be read by a judge. Relying on populist ranking from an algorithm combining partial slates is dumb.

>>Novel_Idea >>Posh >>Kritten >>Fenton >>TitaniumDragon >>FrontSevens >>CoffeeMinion >>eusocialdragon >>Rao >>TheCyanRecluse >>Posh >>horizon >>MLPmatthewl419 >>MLPmatthewl419

7th place huh? This makes the 4th Sunset story I've gotten 7th with. :3

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! Your feedback was all very useful. I've already got a pretty solid idea on what needs to be changed and edited to fix some of the issues with the story, and if I'm punctual about it, you might see the story up on fimfiction by Monday. I've even got a coverart for it already.

The story was definitely written in a rush, and still ended up the longest writeoff entry I've ever done.

Frontsevens:

The eighties things were sort of… there, their only real involvement being scenery where the narrator takes a minute to sightsee and go “Look, the eighties! Leg warmers! Some crooner singing about the power of love wink wink”. I feel like how I put that is a bit harsh, but that’s honestly the vibe I got from it. The references were just references and weren’t enough to interest me. I think I would’ve liked more involvement in that sense, I suppose, if at all; making leg warmers plot-relevant or forming jokes where the punchy bit of the joke isn’t just the phrase “leg warmers”.

You're not wrong. Most of the story was written on Sunday, and as I sat there writing, I realized I couldn't actually think of any particularly clever or in depth 80s references, and didn't have time to do the research or have an editor around to consult. So it ended up being rather shallow.

Rao:

I'm not 100% sure if him shaking off water a bit later is the joke I think it is, but I sure as hell hope I read it right. Can confirm, ladies love the bikes.

I'm glad somebody mentioned this. It was my favorite joke and it still makes me giggle.

Horizon:

I really wish more follow-up had been done on the siren meeting. That plot point getting dropped entirely was a major factor in the feeling of incompleteness — it seems at least as worthy of follow-up as the Twilight-parents thing, because on its face it doesn't seem to square with canon.

Honestly, I figure Sonata probably forgot about the whole event within a few days, let alone thirty years. Humans all look the same to her. Either way, my planned changes also involve some improvements to Sonata's role, so we'll see how that pans out.


Thanks again, and I'll see you all again in another writeoff!

>>Zaid Val'Roa >>Morning Sun >>Feris >>Trick_Question >>Syeekoh >>bloons3 >>Posh >>KwirkyJ >>AndrewRogue >>BlazzingInferno >>Baal Bunny >>CoffeeMinion >>Not_A_Hat

A Nightmare In Love

Thanks for reading, everyone! I really appreciate your feedback.

This story is the third in my series of writeoff fics vaguely inspired by one of the plot arcs from the anime Bakemonogatari.

I already have a pretty solid idea of what I need to do for revisions. Expand the ending, expand the dream sequence. Twist the dial on Cadance more towards Empathetic and away from Snarky. Adjust the tone of the opener a bit.

The implications of societal discrimination against homosexuality was actually somewhat unintentional. I was mostly going for what CoffeeMinion said, where kids are dicks and will zero in on anything different about someone, especially someone who is insecure about that something. I'll probably just change it to them making fun of him for being scrawny and a shitty wizard to boot.

Thanks again. Expect to see this story up on fimfiction in the next week or two.

>>FanOfMostEverything >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Morning Sun >>Baal Bunny >>Posh >>CoffeeMinion >>georg >>AndrewRogue >>Not_A_Hat

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed Cutie Unmarked. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

This story was loosely based on the Hitagi Crab arc from the anime series "Bakemonogatari," and I was aiming to capture some of its themes and ideas. The core one is "meet someone who has a problem, the problem is caused by a spirit/god (in the shinto sense), the problem is actually just an external reflection of their internal issues".

I plan to take a lot of the feedback into account, get it polished up, and post it to fimfiction, once I can get an appropriate coverart commissioned.

A few things I want to address specifically.

Apple Bloom's actual involvement is... surprisingly minimal. I don't know. As written, it really just doesn't have any real ties to Apple Bloom in particular. Like, it feels like you could slots any of the CMC in here and you'd more or less have the same story. Like, it's a cute little mystery for her and that's all. All told, as written, I feel like this'd be a more interesting story to hear from Magnet's point of view.

When I was first outlining the story, and considering which CMC to make the protagonist, Apple Bloom stood out to me as the right choice. She has the relationship with Zecora. She has previous experience with weird cutie mark magic. And personality wise, she's the most level headed and the one to easily take charge of the situation and lead Magnet to where she needs to go.

I also couldn't picture either Scootaloo or Sweetie Belle offering the advice Apple Bloom gives during the climax.

I'll add, however, that the Twilight/Starlight scene doesn't seem to be pulling it's weight at all to me. Those characters don't do anything for the story besides crack a few jokes; if you can't find a way to pull them into the plot proper (maybe Starlight can give some advice on accepting cutie marks for what they are? That seems like a missed opportunity to rationalize Magnet's change of heart;) you'd be better off straight-up cutting it, because it's merely a sideshow diversion right now.

Honestly, the biggest reason for this scene was one of pacing. I knew that going straight from "there's a problem" to "hey look Zecora has the solution" might be a little to fast, so I added an extra try/fail cycle with Twilight. The most important part of the scene is actually Apple Bloom's discussion on Magnet being from Mareami, though that could theoretically be slotted somewhere else.

I got mine in. Pretty happy with it overall.

>>Cold in Gardez >>Not_A_Hat >>ZaidValRoa >>GroaningGreyAgony

Holy crap, I got a medal! Almost two years of writeoffs now, and I've finally got my digital claws on that shiny piece of internet silver. Muahahahaa.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed this story. Your feedback is all pretty valid. Ultimately this story was written in a bit of a rush. I was super busy that weekend, and didn't get a solid chunk of writing time until Sunday afternoon.

In a way, this story is kind of a "proof of concept" idea for a longer novel. I had the basic premise in mind awhile ago, of "heroic quest told from the perspective of the fairy companion." With the focus of the story not being on whatever generic fantasy bullshit is going on, but instead about the relationship between the two characters.

The prompt "a long road home" is what gave me the starting point of having Ismerelda being reincarnated and losing her memories.

As premise, I think it could definitely cover an entire book. Although I'd have to turn the "generic fantasy bullshit" into something actually interesting and meaningful, beyond just serving as the backdrop of a relationship story. And that's hard, I hate worldbuilding.

Zelda was a pretty obvious inspiration here. I even listened to the OST while writing it. Although I realized at the end of the story that I'd accidentally cribbed some stuff from Brandon Sanderson's "Stormlight Archives" as well.

I'll see you all again in the pony short story contest!

Dark, introspective sci fi. The pacing is a bit wonky, especially with jumping in and out of flashbacks, but I was able to follow what was what without too much difficulty. A strong look at the bottom of the barrel, rising a little above it, only to fall back down.

A very nice parable. While a bit slow at points, the story held my interest the whole way through. I saw the ending pun coming from a mile away, but it was still worth it.

Lots of good descriptions and visceral imagery in here. It paints an interesting picture of an afterlife, or something like it.

Not a lot of actual plot here, but the character stuff is really strong. It's a great look into that particular phase of adolescences in college, on the cusp of adulthood but not really there yet, still figuring out the path and purpose and how to make these decisions on your own.

It all feels very familiar, the kind of struggles and conversations I've had with my own friends and family in years past.

I had ice cream sometimes and all that, though that was only a treat reserved for the special occasion when someone dropped it on the ground at the local boardwalk down by the beach. No matter the color of the ice cream, it always tasted like rocky road.

This made me laugh.

Other than that, I enjoyed reading this. Satan seems like a pretty chill dude. I think the story could definitely use a stronger commitment to comedy. The other characters could use some stronger personalities, especially to bounce of the MCs relatively nonplussed attitude. Maybe some character conflict beyond banter?

Hmm. Once more, I don't have much to add, other than to agree with what's already been said. I found the intro to be a good hook and interesting - - worry about the kid growing up to emulate a villainous grandfather is fairly solid, though the prose needs work.

But then the story seems to drop that plot point entirely, and I quickly lost track of who was doing what and why.

Can only really echo what's already been said. Lots of names, a confusing situation, not enough context and it quicky disengages me as a reader. Theres nothing to latch on to that makes me care about the charecters or what happens.

Even weird realities should be grounded in something relatable.

The desert is well described, and there are certainly some very colorful metaphors bandied about.

>>Trick_Question >>FanOfMostEverything >>Orbiting_kettle >>Misternick >>Not_A_Hat >>Bachiavellian

Thanks for the reviews, everyone.

The only idea I really had going into this was "the idea that Twilight's Sparkly Castle was built by a bunch of low paid construction workers, rather than magic, is amusing." as I wrote it that also shifted into "and something vaguely sinister is going on" but I didn't really have a good idea for what it was, and that was reflected in the story, and apparently was a bit unsatisfying.

Oh well. I wrote the whole thing in an hour while sitting in the video game room of a convention. I'll save the effort for the next contest.

See you all at the Original Short Story!

>>Ratlab

Anyone who listens to the Writing Excuses podcast is probably familiar with Brandon Sanderson, who wrote Elantris, Mistborn and finished the Wheel of Time series. He also gives a series of writing lectures at BYU, and I just went back and watched the course intro. I'd recommend watching the lecture (and the series) in its entirety, but I found his comments on workshoping particularly relevant for this forum:

Brandon Sanderson - 318R #1 (Course Overview)

This is some really solid advice.


I dunno about this prompt though. I'm not all that keen on original minfics anyway. I've got the free time to write, but eh. We'll see.

>>Posh

Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.

I said that I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meter, not that I wasn't going to do it at all. I know what changes I need to make and I plan to make them. I just need to be careful about it because it's very easy to go too far in the other direction, which would muddle the point I'm trying to get across.

I screwed up the balance, I get that. That means I'm going to try harder, not give it up entirely.

I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meters of Rainbow Dash and Crystal. Just a few points in Crystal's favor on the Relative Bitch Scale transforms the dynamic from "incompatible living situation" to "emotional abuse" which then reflects poorly on the dad for allowing it to happen for so long.

I have a few changes in mind to rebalance this somewhat, but it's very delicate.

>>Posh >>Bad Horse >>FanOfMostEverything >>FrontSevens >>The_Letter_J >>Astrarian

Well, here we are.

A New Home

I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.

And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]

The common thread throughout most of these reviews seems to indicate disappointment in the ending. That it just sidesteps the issue, or needs to be expanded further beyond the scope of the story.

It means I didn't sell the ending properly. I already know what I can change in the story, mostly in the diner scene with Rainbow Dash's dad.

But otherwise, the ending is what it is meant to be. The story is supposed to end there, and the solution is the intended one.

Rainbow Dash doesn't want anything remotely resembling a mother figure in her life. Crystal Waters can't really respect that, and is kind of a bitch besides. Rainbow Dash isn't remotely mature enough to come to any sort of greater understanding or reconciliation on the issue. She probably won't be for a long time.

But personal issues are greatly exacerbated when two people have to live together. So the best solution to the problem, barring extensive family therapy, is time and distance. Rainbow Dash getting her own place addresses this in a way that's mutually beneficial to both parties.

Rainbow Dash gets to experience her independence, and can tolerate a step mom that isn't actively in her life. By the time she's in her mid twenties, I bet her and Crystal could even become friends.

The other common complaint was that Rainbow Dash lacked sympathy as a protagonist. Which was also intentional? She's a flawed person, young, and irrational. I wanted to play a complicated family situation where both parties are in the wrong. Ultimately, I suppose that's not everyone's cup of tea, and teenage angst doesn't seem to be a big seller in the writeoff market.

A few direct responses:

The_Letter_J

The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.

This was mostly to properly date the story as taking place Pre-Equestria girls 1, where Sunset is a bitch and a bully, and Rainbow Dash only has Fluttershy, and not the rest of her friends to back her up.

Bad Horse

My suggestion: Start this story where you ended it, with Rainbow moving out. I predict it will not go well and lessons will be learned, mainly by Dash, who seems to be the pony who most needs to learn them.

This would just be an entirely different story. =/

Anyway, while I'm disappointed at the tepid reception, I already have plans to revise and post on fimfiction soon enough. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story (even if I got a lot of pity views due to low review count, since I seem to have gotten unlucky with slates). I wish you all good luck in this writeoff if you're still in it, and in writeoffs yet to come.

Finished yesterday evening, and now everything is as edited as it's going to get. Time to sleep, then go to work tomorrow and spend the rest of the week hitting refresh on the discussion page every two minutes.

Good luck everyone!

>>Baal Bunny >>billymorph >>Not_A_Hat >>CoffeeMinion >>georg >>horizon >>Scramblers and Shadows >>Remedyfortheheart >>Hagdal Hohensalza


The Killing Machine is like, society maaan...

4th place! And probably just a single vote or so off of getting my first medal. Oh well. I've got a good idea for the next pony round, let's see if I can pull it off.

To the surprise of very few, I wrote the story about lesbians in a writeoff about Killing Machines.

A week or so before this writeoff, I saw a yuri visual novel on Steam called "Highway Blossoms." About two girls in the american southwest who drive around on a road trip then fall in lesbians. I thought "that sounds neat," and bought it. A few days later, I came up with the premise for Bluebirds, loosely based on the general premise of lesbian hitchhikers in the southwest. Then the writeoff came along, the prompt was Killing Machine, I blanched, then decided to do it vaguely anyway. Only after I had fully written the story did I actually bother to read Highway Blossoms. It was pretty good, if you're into that sort of thing, but I'm certainly glad I waited until after I'd finished writing Bluebirds to read it.

In any case, Bluebirds. Alcoholic Navajo girl with nothing to live for meets insane white girl who's thrown away everything. It's not a particularly healthy relationship. They barely know each other, their compatibility is based only on lust and physical proximity and a desperate need for companionship of any sort. Their trip is ill thought out, and will almost certainly end poorly.

According to my cursory google research, bluebirds are a symbol of the sun and morning in Navajo culture, and it is allegedly the meaning of the name "Doli." There's also a early 20th century Belgian play, later adapted into a number of movies called The Blue Bird. Something about children leaving on a fairytale adventure to seek this mythical bluebird of happiness only to find out that it was just sitting around at home the entire time.

I agree with a lot of the critique in that this story simply needed more. More angst, more conflict, more fleshing out of the characters, maybe a little more time spent with them, more time emphasizing the crippling poverty of Doli's surroundings.

A few things I wanted to address specifically:

>>horizon

No, what first really made me blink here was Brittany's out-of-nowhere gaydar and Doli's unforeshadowed lesbianism.

Really? Doli spent a significant amount of her narration heavily focused on Brittany's physical appearance, often describing in almost worshipful language. She keeps getting lost in Brittany's eyes, staring at her cleavage, getting anxious about having a pretty girl naked in her shower, and is flustered at the offer of sharing the bed. I'm not sure how I could have made it any gayer, other than throwing in some telly narration of "oh look how lesbians I am"

>>Scramblers and Shadows

Because the deepest possible basis of attraction is educational background and race. Okay, sure.

The line in question here is more of a bitter aside, an acknowledgement that being half white was the only way Doli's ex was able to escape the crippling poverty of the Navajo Nation (and leave Doli behind.) Whether or not Brittany recognizes it as such is up in the air, but she deflects it and turns it around to tease and flirt anyway.

In any case, thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing Bluebirds. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not, oh well. As it's original fiction and I can't get horsepoints for publishing it, I doubt I'll do any revising, but I'm getting close to starting on an original novel soon anyway, once I finish my current horse-project, and getting in OF practice is always welcome. Congratulations to our finalists, and I look forward to seeing many of you at Bronycon.

Some decent action, blood, an interesting take on the bounty hunter schtick. Nothing particularly exciting about it, but written solidly.

The opening scene doesn't quite mesh with the tone of the rest of the piece, and paints him as being rather callous and bloodthirsty. Fridge logic falls apart a bit when you've got a system of corruption in place that depends on not turning around a piece of paper and being discovered. What if someone had simply dropped it and had to pick it up?

A huge amount of the wordcount of this story is filled with technical jargon of airplanes. I'm sure it's very authentic, but it doesn't make for interesting reading unless you're an extreme aviation enthusiast.

There's not much story left behind the technobabble either. Something goes wrong, the plane crashes, roll credits. The story could easily be expanded beyond he ending, to see the results, investigate what went wrong, see the impact on others like potential family, or anything.

Chris is characterized somewhat by the narration, but Patrick doesn't really have any chance to actually show personality, other than what Chris tells us about him.

Crikey.

I tend to love metafiction. The other kind of metafiction, where its fiction that's concerned with the concept of fiction. Not so much this kind, when it steps back into real life, or parodies thereof.

That being said, this was thoroughly enjoyable. It was well written and rather silly.

I had to google some names for this story. How dare you make me learn about things that aren't already a part of the collective consciousness of western culture!

I liked this story. Interesting imagery, and some delightfully amoral and self serving machinations on display. Corporations are evil enough as it is without being specifically set up to cause the deaths of a bunch of people for the sole purpose of continuing immortality, only to then self destruct in a hailstorm of red tape and bureaucracy.