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Hey friends, Dubs here! I didn't fuck Posh, I didn't fuck Hat, all my life man FUCK'S SAKE
>>Winston is on the exact right track here. There's an incredibly interesting conflict here, with Twilight, Spike, AND Sunset all hitting a sort of semi-mid-life-crisis at the exact same time.
And of course, because I'm a biased little shit, Sunset's is what I'm most interested in. Sunset, the eternal rebel, becoming a housewife is so opposite to her established character and I want to see more.
But yeah, although the conflict is great, it doesn't really go anywhere. Spike has a cool scene with Celestia, but neither Twilight or Sunset change in any appreciable way.
And of course, because I'm a biased little shit, Sunset's is what I'm most interested in. Sunset, the eternal rebel, becoming a housewife is so opposite to her established character and I want to see more.
But yeah, although the conflict is great, it doesn't really go anywhere. Spike has a cool scene with Celestia, but neither Twilight or Sunset change in any appreciable way.
Halfway through the fic, I suddenly found myself thinking this was a fic about the My Little Pony Manson Family.
Maybe it's not a fair criticism, but is this a My Little Pony fic or a fic that just happens to be about ponies? What necessary connection does this have to the pony world that it couldn't have as an original fic?
I agree with all of >>Winston's comments, although I get more of a Catcher in the Rye feeling. The most interesting part of this fic is Wensley's bad experience in the movie industry, imo... wish we got more of that, and less train.
Maybe it's not a fair criticism, but is this a My Little Pony fic or a fic that just happens to be about ponies? What necessary connection does this have to the pony world that it couldn't have as an original fic?
I agree with all of >>Winston's comments, although I get more of a Catcher in the Rye feeling. The most interesting part of this fic is Wensley's bad experience in the movie industry, imo... wish we got more of that, and less train.
The (unintended, I think) levity of the final scene takes a lot of the wind out of the execution scene. But I should stress that I love Celestia's proclamations during the execution -- you do a great job of conveying the awesome might that she carries. And the title is woven in perfectly.
Celestia using her own quill to sign the death warrant is a great image.
I'm not sure I buy that Dawn Star didn't know the execution was coming, especially since it seems like everyone else did. If this is meant to be the first execution that Celestia's done in so many years, maybe, but if so, that can probably be played up more.
Celestia using her own quill to sign the death warrant is a great image.
I'm not sure I buy that Dawn Star didn't know the execution was coming, especially since it seems like everyone else did. If this is meant to be the first execution that Celestia's done in so many years, maybe, but if so, that can probably be played up more.
There’s a fic idea I’ve been brewing for the last week that… mostly fits this prompt. Let’s see what happens. 😈
EDIT: Hate to say it, but I'm not gonna have anything in. My story just ballooned into something much bigger -- good for me, but not great for a Writeoff. Next time!
EDIT: Hate to say it, but I'm not gonna have anything in. My story just ballooned into something much bigger -- good for me, but not great for a Writeoff. Next time!
When considering the prompt, my first thought was: If Twilight left Starlight and Trixie alone at her castle for the day, what sort of nonsense would they get up to?
Then I remembered that 12 years ago, all the way back in Season One, I read a fic where someone used rhubarb as an in-universe substitute for weed, and how I've always wanted to write a fic with that. Perfect opportunity!
Thanks to everyone for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the D.A.R.E. jokes, which is one of my favorite topics to parody.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Fuck you
Then I remembered that 12 years ago, all the way back in Season One, I read a fic where someone used rhubarb as an in-universe substitute for weed, and how I've always wanted to write a fic with that. Perfect opportunity!
Thanks to everyone for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the D.A.R.E. jokes, which is one of my favorite topics to parody.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Fuck you
Wow, the journalist wrote the journalism story. What a surprise.
Last year, I wrote a Writeoff-esque minific with this OC, Scribble Dee. When I came up with the idea of visiting the Rainbooms a few years after they'd broken up, I know that I had to bring her back.
Originally, Rarity and Twilight were gonna have their own scenes... but in planning, I quickly realized that I'd have to cut some of the Rainbooms out to make this fit the wordcount. And since I couldn't think of anything fun for them to do, they got axed.
I'm glad that people liked the fast pace. I'd love to post this on FiMFiction without adding anything, but they need 1000 words, so... I'll find something to add.
Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing!
Last year, I wrote a Writeoff-esque minific with this OC, Scribble Dee. When I came up with the idea of visiting the Rainbooms a few years after they'd broken up, I know that I had to bring her back.
Originally, Rarity and Twilight were gonna have their own scenes... but in planning, I quickly realized that I'd have to cut some of the Rainbooms out to make this fit the wordcount. And since I couldn't think of anything fun for them to do, they got axed.
I'm glad that people liked the fast pace. I'd love to post this on FiMFiction without adding anything, but they need 1000 words, so... I'll find something to add.
Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing!
>>Monokeras
The first giveaway was using single quote marks in place of regular quotation marks
The second giveaway was that this is exactly 100% your style of humor 😉
The first giveaway was using single quote marks in place of regular quotation marks
The second giveaway was that this is exactly 100% your style of humor 😉
>>Monokeras
Tempest isn't an OC — she's the villain of the My Little Pony Movie, who in the end gets redeemed and becomes a good guy
Tempest isn't an OC — she's the villain of the My Little Pony Movie, who in the end gets redeemed and becomes a good guy
I echo everything that >>Bachiavellian said, including that I haven't seen any Gen 5 stuff.
That said, I loved Twilight's eyes individually twitching for each character.
That said, I loved Twilight's eyes individually twitching for each character.
Well, I know exactly who wrote this one.
I'm gonna echo Bachi and say that the story's humor didn't click with me. The funniest part of the story was the concept of Luna coming back to Earth in a literal spaceship, not with magic.
I'm gonna echo Bachi and say that the story's humor didn't click with me. The funniest part of the story was the concept of Luna coming back to Earth in a literal spaceship, not with magic.
I really like this. Especially the ending. And I haven't even seen the movie!
But I think this piece has two issues, one having to do with the plot, and one having to do with the prose.
First, the plot. Tempest's emotional conflict in this piece is that she feels the constant need to prove her worth. She needs to keep working, or else she's got no reason to exist. Starlight's answer to this -- and the thing that clears up the conflict -- is Tempest's students saying how much they love her... for the work she does. Do you see how the resolution doesn't really match with the conflict?
Tempest needs a reason to live outside of work. I'm not sure this story gives her one.
Secondly, the prose issue. Specifically, this line doesn't work for me:
A lot of the story hinges on this line, since it's where you lay bare Tempest's emotional conflict. But all the ellipses make it super overdramatic. Get rid of the visual stutters and trust us to hear the emotion in your words.
But I think this piece has two issues, one having to do with the plot, and one having to do with the prose.
First, the plot. Tempest's emotional conflict in this piece is that she feels the constant need to prove her worth. She needs to keep working, or else she's got no reason to exist. Starlight's answer to this -- and the thing that clears up the conflict -- is Tempest's students saying how much they love her... for the work she does. Do you see how the resolution doesn't really match with the conflict?
Tempest needs a reason to live outside of work. I'm not sure this story gives her one.
Secondly, the prose issue. Specifically, this line doesn't work for me:
“What… do you want me to do while I’m on leave?” said Tempest. Her words felt clumsy in her own mouth. “If I don’t have work to do… I’ll be… useless. Worthless.”
A lot of the story hinges on this line, since it's where you lay bare Tempest's emotional conflict. But all the ellipses make it super overdramatic. Get rid of the visual stutters and trust us to hear the emotion in your words.
I like this! It's not a gutbuster, but it's amusing.
My only complaints are that I wish you used names in the first sentence, and more vitally, I wish you told us early on how long they were gone. The Princesses returning to their throne room is normal -- the Princesses returning to their throne room after being missing for five years is immediately interesting.
My only complaints are that I wish you used names in the first sentence, and more vitally, I wish you told us early on how long they were gone. The Princesses returning to their throne room is normal -- the Princesses returning to their throne room after being missing for five years is immediately interesting.
Really big fan of this one, but I'll have to echo Bachi (>>Bachiavellian) and say that it ends quite abruptly. But if anything, I think that the final line is too overt -- the piece has felt very subtle up to this point, so Applejack just straight up saying that she's scared Dash won't make it home upsets that a bit.
To me, the deep emotional core of this piece is that AJ is the one who's most scared here, not just Dash. The farther you can take that without blatantly giving away AJ's worries, the better.
On a more positive note, I love AJ and Dash's chemistry. They speak honestly, but lovingly.
To me, the deep emotional core of this piece is that AJ is the one who's most scared here, not just Dash. The farther you can take that without blatantly giving away AJ's worries, the better.
On a more positive note, I love AJ and Dash's chemistry. They speak honestly, but lovingly.
I'm not a big fan of drug jokes, and cursing feels a bit too close to edgy for my tastes. But maybe that's why my favorite part of this piece was Twilight's "No Drugs, No Cussing" pledge. Twilight as a sheltered Christian youth group alumnus (combined with the Reagan-era propaganda) makes perfect sense.
To Mono's (>>Monokeras) point about Twilight not having much to do, that would be helped by cutting the intro a bit. We probably don't need to see Trixie entering and walking into the castle -- just start in the TV room, closer to the conflict's introduction.
To Mono's (>>Monokeras) point about Twilight not having much to do, that would be helped by cutting the intro a bit. We probably don't need to see Trixie entering and walking into the castle -- just start in the TV room, closer to the conflict's introduction.
I'm mostly with Mono (>>Monokeras) on this one. This feels more like the beginning of a story, not a complete tale, since until those last few lines there isn't any sort of conflict or oddity to grab our interest. This story would benefit from starting later in the story, or at the very least, giving us some earlier hints that something is amiss -- amp up our suspense.
(And on a completely unrelated note, my god that first paragraph is loaded with adjectives. I get that you're trying to set the scene, but we don't need that much detail!)
(And on a completely unrelated note, my god that first paragraph is loaded with adjectives. I get that you're trying to set the scene, but we don't need that much detail!)
I'm a sucker for philosophical odes dressed up as pony minifics, of which there are a surprising amount. And while this isn't my favorite of the genre, I'm a fan!
That said, I'm finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I'm a fan of... I like the premise, and I think that Zecora's takeaway at the end (valuing listening over responding lets you see the world in a different way) is pretty beautiful.
As I see it, there are two thematic conflicts presented in this story: That people listen to respond instead of listening to understand (Zecora's lesson), and that people become too blinded by their emotions to see situations logically (Maya's argument). The former conflict is much more interesting to me, but unfortunately I think that the Trixie/Starlight/Applejack conversation relates much more to the latter. So while I understand where Zecora is coming from, Maya's grousing about other ponies being stupid weakens Zecora's storyline.
Credit to you for writing so much rhyming dialogue! But you definitely need to work on the meter -- the rhyme always arrives eventually, but it often takes far too long.
(Additionally, the characters are a bit ruder to each other than they probably would be in canon... If you picked some other ponies, or just made them less vindictive, that won't be such an issue.)
The way I see it, you've got a great idea, and a fantastic kicker. But this story would benefit from a stronger thematic thruline and some cleaned up poetry.
That said, I'm finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I'm a fan of... I like the premise, and I think that Zecora's takeaway at the end (valuing listening over responding lets you see the world in a different way) is pretty beautiful.
As I see it, there are two thematic conflicts presented in this story: That people listen to respond instead of listening to understand (Zecora's lesson), and that people become too blinded by their emotions to see situations logically (Maya's argument). The former conflict is much more interesting to me, but unfortunately I think that the Trixie/Starlight/Applejack conversation relates much more to the latter. So while I understand where Zecora is coming from, Maya's grousing about other ponies being stupid weakens Zecora's storyline.
Credit to you for writing so much rhyming dialogue! But you definitely need to work on the meter -- the rhyme always arrives eventually, but it often takes far too long.
(Additionally, the characters are a bit ruder to each other than they probably would be in canon... If you picked some other ponies, or just made them less vindictive, that won't be such an issue.)
The way I see it, you've got a great idea, and a fantastic kicker. But this story would benefit from a stronger thematic thruline and some cleaned up poetry.
One fic submitted! I'm hoping to have another done before time is called, but we'll see...
EDIT: Two fics in!
EDIT: Two fics in!
This starts as a funny piece about the insidious creep of Christmas marketing, but I think the addition of the zombies cheapens the commentary.
Especially because the piece starts describing the inner conflict that Diamond feels knowing that she has to run this store someday, which she doesn't seem to have a choice in. The piece would work much better if it stayed on that topic, and showed Diamond struggling with the reality of capitalism that she's inherited -- Holiday Creep happens because it makes money, and her job is to make more money now, so fuck off Luster Dawn, you don't get to have a fluffy spider.
Especially because the piece starts describing the inner conflict that Diamond feels knowing that she has to run this store someday, which she doesn't seem to have a choice in. The piece would work much better if it stayed on that topic, and showed Diamond struggling with the reality of capitalism that she's inherited -- Holiday Creep happens because it makes money, and her job is to make more money now, so fuck off Luster Dawn, you don't get to have a fluffy spider.
You could probably cut off the first 200 words of this story, and it would benefit.
The most interesting line in this piece to me was Celestia's "The moon falls steadily towards us," because I thought the implication was that the moon was imminently Majora's Mask-style falling to earth. When it then revealed that this was just rephrasing lore we already know, I lost interest.
Additionally, the most significant emotion in this piece comes from the meta-knowledge that (in her eyes) Celestia is going to fail Sunset eventually too. If you play more on that point, the piece will be stronger.
The most interesting line in this piece to me was Celestia's "The moon falls steadily towards us," because I thought the implication was that the moon was imminently Majora's Mask-style falling to earth. When it then revealed that this was just rephrasing lore we already know, I lost interest.
Additionally, the most significant emotion in this piece comes from the meta-knowledge that (in her eyes) Celestia is going to fail Sunset eventually too. If you play more on that point, the piece will be stronger.
This reminds me of a Present Perfect fic.
I understand the joke and appreciate the punchline, but this suffers from not really having any connection to MLP aside from the Princess' name and being-a-horse-ness. If this were more grounded in the world of MLP, it would have more charm besides the basic 'this is a crackfic' humor.
I understand the joke and appreciate the punchline, but this suffers from not really having any connection to MLP aside from the Princess' name and being-a-horse-ness. If this were more grounded in the world of MLP, it would have more charm besides the basic 'this is a crackfic' humor.
>>Trick_Question
Please stop acting like a martyr because you can't stop writing about kids being raped
Please stop acting like a martyr because you can't stop writing about kids being raped
Paging WIP