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I... had wanted to try, but didn't make it. Now I show up to at least try to read and no entries. It feels like a sad sign.
Ugh... I thought this would finally be perfect. I had an idea for it and everything, one I really like. But I just can't do this super-short format. In my head, it's a 2 minute scene, yet I'm already at the word limit and not even to the second half of the "story." I don't want to "ruin" this now-good idea by trying to compress it unduly. So I don't think I'll be entering anything this round.
Well, if it makes you feel better, this was still the top of my slate. I just mostly "ignored" the bit after the scene break and it's pretty dang solid!
>>Comma Typer
>>axxuy
>>Pig-Serpent
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you all for the kind words, and glad it seems generally well received. I haven't been able to enter one of these in a while now, so even though I only found time 2 hours before the deadline, I'm very happy it worked out as it did.
As axxuy points out, not much "pony" to this, at least in the first half for sure. I'd argue that the only reason it works though, is that we have the background of Celstia/Luna as day/night eternal sisters. Without that background (aka, if I remove it from pony) that would need more words to flesh out and make us "care" about the characters in the fireside scene. But... Yes, it would just be more words, and it could definitely be done.
Pig-Serpent mentioned how they missed the "young" part in the second scene. I did try to mention they were fleeing as they'd just become orphans (yeah, why not double down on the darkness? I guess I was thinking) but that's really the only clue to the timeframe, so easy to miss.
CoffeeMinion: Red Dwarf... yeah, I'll take that! :-) But you're also right, I don't think it expands TOO easily. Certainly not to true short-story length, but I already had to trim slightly, so I think I could add another 250 words (e.g. making the timeframe in the second scene more obvious) and... to be blunt, it's REAL easy to burn word count with cold, detached techno-babble in that front half. I don't think it SHOULD be longer, but... if I want to publish, there's probably one more good paragraph to add in there with maybe even a funny observation or somthing.
Thanks again, all!
>>axxuy
>>Pig-Serpent
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you all for the kind words, and glad it seems generally well received. I haven't been able to enter one of these in a while now, so even though I only found time 2 hours before the deadline, I'm very happy it worked out as it did.
As axxuy points out, not much "pony" to this, at least in the first half for sure. I'd argue that the only reason it works though, is that we have the background of Celstia/Luna as day/night eternal sisters. Without that background (aka, if I remove it from pony) that would need more words to flesh out and make us "care" about the characters in the fireside scene. But... Yes, it would just be more words, and it could definitely be done.
Pig-Serpent mentioned how they missed the "young" part in the second scene. I did try to mention they were fleeing as they'd just become orphans (yeah, why not double down on the darkness? I guess I was thinking) but that's really the only clue to the timeframe, so easy to miss.
CoffeeMinion: Red Dwarf... yeah, I'll take that! :-) But you're also right, I don't think it expands TOO easily. Certainly not to true short-story length, but I already had to trim slightly, so I think I could add another 250 words (e.g. making the timeframe in the second scene more obvious) and... to be blunt, it's REAL easy to burn word count with cold, detached techno-babble in that front half. I don't think it SHOULD be longer, but... if I want to publish, there's probably one more good paragraph to add in there with maybe even a funny observation or somthing.
Thanks again, all!
Somehow it didn't post when I tried to submit my actual review last week, same time I reviewed all the other stories So below, verbatim as I wrote it then (as I write reviews in a notepad first, so had it saved.)
----
Dash worried about her wife, AJ? No names though. Doesn't feel like Dash would say "Wife" but just "AJ" or "Applejack."
Sex problems in a long marriage? How very traditional.
And it's all fixed with nary a word.
Alright, I like the metaphor at the end here, about the rain and such, but I feel this was another "emotional fast forward" entry. If a lover isn't responsive in bed, it's not just all fixed with a single question the next day. Never mind longer term concerns that Dash has apparently had. Dash isn't stupid, so if she's been suspecting something is "wrong" for a while, as you set the opening scene to show, then we want to believe Dash's feelings. There has to be some conflict somewhere, or the story just kinda falters. Maybe it's not what Dash thinks, maybe something else is causing stress for AJ, etc. But it can't just be "Is there a problem?" "Nope." and then all is good.
Now, as I said, I like the metaphor and story this feels like it's trying to set up. But I just feel it HAS to have more space to breathe. Resolutions, especially deep, emotional ones in a couple, can't just be solved in two sentences, or there's no satisfaction for the audience.
----
Dash worried about her wife, AJ? No names though. Doesn't feel like Dash would say "Wife" but just "AJ" or "Applejack."
Sex problems in a long marriage? How very traditional.
And it's all fixed with nary a word.
Alright, I like the metaphor at the end here, about the rain and such, but I feel this was another "emotional fast forward" entry. If a lover isn't responsive in bed, it's not just all fixed with a single question the next day. Never mind longer term concerns that Dash has apparently had. Dash isn't stupid, so if she's been suspecting something is "wrong" for a while, as you set the opening scene to show, then we want to believe Dash's feelings. There has to be some conflict somewhere, or the story just kinda falters. Maybe it's not what Dash thinks, maybe something else is causing stress for AJ, etc. But it can't just be "Is there a problem?" "Nope." and then all is good.
Now, as I said, I like the metaphor and story this feels like it's trying to set up. But I just feel it HAS to have more space to breathe. Resolutions, especially deep, emotional ones in a couple, can't just be solved in two sentences, or there's no satisfaction for the audience.
Not sure I get these analogies. Frosting on cupcakes, purple snake?
Okay, that aside, the rest of this flows pretty quickly, but... leaves me wanting. Having to tell a friend bad news is a good premise, but it just feels out of character here. This is still Pony after all, and without some "lesson learned" to walk away with, this version of Dash feels far too selfish. Beyond that, nothing much sticks out. "Bad news, it sucks, sorry friend."
On top of that Pinkie is just as a clueless as she's ever been, not at all able to "read the room" about why Dash is talking to her here. That feels like many steps back on the character growth as well. Moreso because she initially assumes someone ELSE is getting the boot, and she's not at all upset by her friend(s) being kicked out, but instantly leaps into new names for a duet band.
Again, another story I'm complaining about, and I'm sorry author. The writing is decent, but it just doesn't mesh with these characters in my mind.
Okay, that aside, the rest of this flows pretty quickly, but... leaves me wanting. Having to tell a friend bad news is a good premise, but it just feels out of character here. This is still Pony after all, and without some "lesson learned" to walk away with, this version of Dash feels far too selfish. Beyond that, nothing much sticks out. "Bad news, it sucks, sorry friend."
On top of that Pinkie is just as a clueless as she's ever been, not at all able to "read the room" about why Dash is talking to her here. That feels like many steps back on the character growth as well. Moreso because she initially assumes someone ELSE is getting the boot, and she's not at all upset by her friend(s) being kicked out, but instantly leaps into new names for a duet band.
Again, another story I'm complaining about, and I'm sorry author. The writing is decent, but it just doesn't mesh with these characters in my mind.
Dramatic opening... go on...
"Screwball" for a pony with spiral eyes? Maybe a bit on the nose.
Nevermind, pure Discord... got it. This is creepy in all the good ways now.
And yeah, that creepy continued to be excellent until the scene break. The absolutely self-defeating scene break. We already had the existential horror in our heads, and it was GOOD. A throwaway scene at the end with the puppet-ponies is pointless. Alliteration aside, I feel it even actively detracts from the impact the closing of the last scene had.
Still, high marks for some real originality here, but I'd definitely drop that final scene from prose. (Though I can see how it would work in a purely visual medium like television.)
"Screwball" for a pony with spiral eyes? Maybe a bit on the nose.
Nevermind, pure Discord... got it. This is creepy in all the good ways now.
And yeah, that creepy continued to be excellent until the scene break. The absolutely self-defeating scene break. We already had the existential horror in our heads, and it was GOOD. A throwaway scene at the end with the puppet-ponies is pointless. Alliteration aside, I feel it even actively detracts from the impact the closing of the last scene had.
Still, high marks for some real originality here, but I'd definitely drop that final scene from prose. (Though I can see how it would work in a purely visual medium like television.)
Hmm, nicely believable opening scene here.
"...With shame creeping into her voice" is a bit tell-ing (vs showing.)
"Celestia was never exactly a good actress." This also feels contrary to what we know of Celestia, but perhaps is forgiven as this seems to be far in the past.
Wait, it's not in the past. These are adults, not foals. We're told this is after the banishment and everything. But Luna locked herself in a closet?
Okay, author, I admit I'm confused. All the dialog sounds like a foal having a tantrum, yet there's talk of Celestia burying thousands of ponies all the time, and this is set after banishment (so in/after the show timeline.) Yet Celestia is worried about "burying" her sister because she locked herself in a closet?
I'm sorry, but it feels like some mix of adult consequences with childish prerogatives that just refuse to mesh in my mind.
"...With shame creeping into her voice" is a bit tell-ing (vs showing.)
"Celestia was never exactly a good actress." This also feels contrary to what we know of Celestia, but perhaps is forgiven as this seems to be far in the past.
Wait, it's not in the past. These are adults, not foals. We're told this is after the banishment and everything. But Luna locked herself in a closet?
Okay, author, I admit I'm confused. All the dialog sounds like a foal having a tantrum, yet there's talk of Celestia burying thousands of ponies all the time, and this is set after banishment (so in/after the show timeline.) Yet Celestia is worried about "burying" her sister because she locked herself in a closet?
I'm sorry, but it feels like some mix of adult consequences with childish prerogatives that just refuse to mesh in my mind.
Does purple prose exist in sci-fi, or is it just... blueshifted? *insert shades* (Sorry author, I'll see myself out!)
But yeah, very techy opening stuff. It's big word city up in here, which... kinda works I guess?
Celestia as the Celestial. Not sure if trite or clever...
Okay, you got me with the last part. I'm a sucker for a callback, and I honestly didn't see how "Plip" was going to figure in until those last few lines. You hit your "D'awww" quota, author.
That said, the radical shift from the cold, sci-fi thing, to the warm fireside moment IS abrupt. My problem is I'm not sure if that's a point for, or a point against.
But yeah, very techy opening stuff. It's big word city up in here, which... kinda works I guess?
Celestia as the Celestial. Not sure if trite or clever...
Okay, you got me with the last part. I'm a sucker for a callback, and I honestly didn't see how "Plip" was going to figure in until those last few lines. You hit your "D'awww" quota, author.
That said, the radical shift from the cold, sci-fi thing, to the warm fireside moment IS abrupt. My problem is I'm not sure if that's a point for, or a point against.
Nice prose to open, though tending slightly toward the purple at first.
Wow, and after that, I just read. In total, a really nice slice of life. I had to blink a couple times, as the style almost feels like something I would write, so take that for better or worse, author.
The distinction came with the coffee. I certainly prefer tea to burned beans. :-)
So yeah, no grand leaps of fiction here, but for what it set out to do (and by it's title, I'm pretty certain of what that is) this accomplished it rather well: A warm scene with a pony we love.
Now if only I had a fireplace and some tea...
(Also, if CoffeeMinion is in this one, and this isn't it, then someone's got the wrong name.)
Wow, and after that, I just read. In total, a really nice slice of life. I had to blink a couple times, as the style almost feels like something I would write, so take that for better or worse, author.
The distinction came with the coffee. I certainly prefer tea to burned beans. :-)
So yeah, no grand leaps of fiction here, but for what it set out to do (and by it's title, I'm pretty certain of what that is) this accomplished it rather well: A warm scene with a pony we love.
Now if only I had a fireplace and some tea...
(Also, if CoffeeMinion is in this one, and this isn't it, then someone's got the wrong name.)
Wait what? Suicide?
Wait wait... baiting us with suicide? Sure hope I'm wrong.
No, it was played seriously, but averted.
Hokay, so... Lots to say on this. Mostly, it's clumsy. The IDEA here is strong, really strong. But suicide, depression, and a warrior's death... Those don't work in fast forward. I'm sorry, maybe the headcanon for Tempest has moved far enough along that this might make sense for another reader, but I'm still reading the mare who finally smiled and admitted her name was "Fizzlepop Berrytwist." That mare was just coming OUT of depression and learning to smile, so this just... doesn't work for me.
Now, in fairness, this concept could work, especially in a longer form, but the story would need to slow down a lot, and show us the full journey. Most importantly, it would need to make sure the action and events don't outpace the emotions of the audience.
Wait wait... baiting us with suicide? Sure hope I'm wrong.
No, it was played seriously, but averted.
Hokay, so... Lots to say on this. Mostly, it's clumsy. The IDEA here is strong, really strong. But suicide, depression, and a warrior's death... Those don't work in fast forward. I'm sorry, maybe the headcanon for Tempest has moved far enough along that this might make sense for another reader, but I'm still reading the mare who finally smiled and admitted her name was "Fizzlepop Berrytwist." That mare was just coming OUT of depression and learning to smile, so this just... doesn't work for me.
Now, in fairness, this concept could work, especially in a longer form, but the story would need to slow down a lot, and show us the full journey. Most importantly, it would need to make sure the action and events don't outpace the emotions of the audience.
The language, especially from Twilight, feels at once both too eager (childish) and too formal. "Recall that, for few terrifying moments..." Super formal and weird sounding from Twilight. But then, near the end, the bit about a retired mare and mimosa week sounds like an entirely different character.
Overall, I fear this reads like a moral in search of a story. The author had a message to get across, but the characters just clumsily explain it, rather than showing us their insight into it.
Overall, I fear this reads like a moral in search of a story. The author had a message to get across, but the characters just clumsily explain it, rather than showing us their insight into it.
I initially had a lot of specific notes about grammatical and other technical mistakes, but there're too many of them...
So let me judge this on intent, rather than execution. I see the outlines of the moral here, author. I can see the comparison you wanted to make between an aging adventurer and a temple falling apart. The metaphor itself is apt, and perfect for this prompt.
The execution, however, is a bit lacking.
The good news is that the vision you started to paint here... that's the hard part. You grabbed at a deeper concept and tried to wrest it from the aether. The rest—the spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.—the rest you can learn with practice. And as long as you don't lose that spark of inspiration, you'll get there.
So let me judge this on intent, rather than execution. I see the outlines of the moral here, author. I can see the comparison you wanted to make between an aging adventurer and a temple falling apart. The metaphor itself is apt, and perfect for this prompt.
The execution, however, is a bit lacking.
The good news is that the vision you started to paint here... that's the hard part. You grabbed at a deeper concept and tried to wrest it from the aether. The rest—the spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.—the rest you can learn with practice. And as long as you don't lose that spark of inspiration, you'll get there.
Oh my god, I actually made it in! With multiple minutes to spare this time. Still did the whole thing in like the last 90 minutes, as is apparently my tradition to not start writing until the early morning of the deadline, but feels good to have written at least something after many months away from any fiction writing at all.
Hmmm... well written, but takes some liberties with the characters and setting that are maybe too far given the limited word count, and the attempt to explain a "multiverse" in the opening is also kinda kludged... ESPECIALLY given the limited word count. TV and Netflix (and chill) are too precisely _our_ universe (out of a million, so what are the odds), and while there's certainly a million shippers for Catra+Adora, a random scene in "quarantine" (actually minus points for that all-too-real bit) where she's rubbing her head against Adora's leg is a bit of a stretch without context or backstory. Still, a cute scene that mostly/kinda captures the characters in general though. I _could_ see this being something they could evolve into given enough time (and access to earth) so points for that.
"Har har..." at that last line. Vaguely poetic language, but nothing more sticks with me. Sorry, author.
And once again, I'm not getting anything entered. Flying out of the country in a couple days, and have a lot of work stuff I've had to get done before then. *sigh* Hopefully I can use this vacation to get some writing done though!
Good luck, and have fun to the rest of you crazy fools. (Still can't believe Ot finally won.) :-)
Good luck, and have fun to the rest of you crazy fools. (Still can't believe Ot finally won.) :-)
"The boy already was sitting on the edge of one the left hull"...
"One the Left Hull" better be a good character. :-)
"he slipped off the side of the hull like a fish." Totally seemed like he was on deck and awkward until now.
"off the hull and into the Seashine’s cabin." Sure sounds like she walked into the sea. If the cabin isn't IN the hull, then I'm not sure what this was describing.
Interesting foreshadowing with calorie counts. (Lacking a better term.)
Explanatory background is spinning... Telling us about milkfish being needed is one thing. Telling us they won't bite is step two. Pivoting to money is a third, pivoting to this new city of Marvia is a fourth. And now she's suddenly gone from teaching Micah about fishing (with no resolution, even though they "needed it") to putting money in a safe and them both sleeping.
#Cespelling IZ dum
"she crushed the milkfish’s proboscis to kill it" That's fun and alien!
Very "victorian" rules for how the kid is told to deal with a gun. (I mean that as a compliment.)
The tavern scene (Looking for Work -> Bulletin Board) is VERY cliche.
Story: Richard Dawkins, Natural Philospher!
Me: "It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em."
Some weird, deeper lore about true blades. Good stuff.
Confusion about which pier is which feels forced. Beyond "two" even humans tend to put signs up. Surel even Aelfs and Humans would read/noticed those in a super busy port.
Mike/Micah is a thing? Again, feels forced. Hope there's a story-based reason for that misunderstanding.
"plastic bins of water" The use of plastic oddly anchors us into a certain timeframe. I hope that's intentional.
"Aewyn was at the rudder when she noticed Micah gingerly stepping into the cabin, where Richard sat on his bed..." So are we in the cabin or at the rudder? All three participate in the following conversation, and I just can't picture a bed (in a cabin) in direct conversational distance to someone at the ship's rudder (or wheel.) If that's the intent, this is a weird ship.
Similarly, how do they swim when under sail/power? Aewyn goes from rudder (important when moving) to swimming, with no mention of cutting power, lowering sails, or dropping anchor. I surmise that maybe Aewyn is a mermaid or something, but Dawkins and Micah are both supposed to be human.
Now insert lots of vague analogues for creatures of the Galapagos and Darwin's voyage.
... And the rest of the story.
Damn, this tried hard, and did well. I feel my only complaint was the confusion early on. Why Dawkins? Why Galpagos? Why all these hints of other things when there was this better story with Michah and Aewyn this whole time? The "alt universe" stuff felt a bit forced, but there was strong writing otherwise.
My secondary complaint was that we were given to believe that Aewyn was not human, but we NEVER saw any detail as to what that meant, or even a hit as to what that implied to the larger world this story (could? should?) was building.
"One the Left Hull" better be a good character. :-)
"he slipped off the side of the hull like a fish." Totally seemed like he was on deck and awkward until now.
"off the hull and into the Seashine’s cabin." Sure sounds like she walked into the sea. If the cabin isn't IN the hull, then I'm not sure what this was describing.
Interesting foreshadowing with calorie counts. (Lacking a better term.)
Explanatory background is spinning... Telling us about milkfish being needed is one thing. Telling us they won't bite is step two. Pivoting to money is a third, pivoting to this new city of Marvia is a fourth. And now she's suddenly gone from teaching Micah about fishing (with no resolution, even though they "needed it") to putting money in a safe and them both sleeping.
#Cespelling IZ dum
"she crushed the milkfish’s proboscis to kill it" That's fun and alien!
Very "victorian" rules for how the kid is told to deal with a gun. (I mean that as a compliment.)
The tavern scene (Looking for Work -> Bulletin Board) is VERY cliche.
Story: Richard Dawkins, Natural Philospher!
Me: "It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em."
Some weird, deeper lore about true blades. Good stuff.
Confusion about which pier is which feels forced. Beyond "two" even humans tend to put signs up. Surel even Aelfs and Humans would read/noticed those in a super busy port.
Mike/Micah is a thing? Again, feels forced. Hope there's a story-based reason for that misunderstanding.
"plastic bins of water" The use of plastic oddly anchors us into a certain timeframe. I hope that's intentional.
"Aewyn was at the rudder when she noticed Micah gingerly stepping into the cabin, where Richard sat on his bed..." So are we in the cabin or at the rudder? All three participate in the following conversation, and I just can't picture a bed (in a cabin) in direct conversational distance to someone at the ship's rudder (or wheel.) If that's the intent, this is a weird ship.
Similarly, how do they swim when under sail/power? Aewyn goes from rudder (important when moving) to swimming, with no mention of cutting power, lowering sails, or dropping anchor. I surmise that maybe Aewyn is a mermaid or something, but Dawkins and Micah are both supposed to be human.
Now insert lots of vague analogues for creatures of the Galapagos and Darwin's voyage.
... And the rest of the story.
Damn, this tried hard, and did well. I feel my only complaint was the confusion early on. Why Dawkins? Why Galpagos? Why all these hints of other things when there was this better story with Michah and Aewyn this whole time? The "alt universe" stuff felt a bit forced, but there was strong writing otherwise.
My secondary complaint was that we were given to believe that Aewyn was not human, but we NEVER saw any detail as to what that meant, or even a hit as to what that implied to the larger world this story (could? should?) was building.
Meredith == Mare (as shorthand.)
SUPER meta... not a fan.
Transform into a ... brooch? So full shape-shifter. Not just Changling.
Okay, doubling down on the meta... You either own it or you die by it.
Some nicely poetic bits about Meredith, but... Are we really expected to believe a corvid companion needs to google "carrion"?
Meta again, with the "thing like me" bit. Game-fucking-on!
"...Not a squish and not a splash but something distinctly related." That should be added to the Thog-O-Matic!
WTF? This was very solid until this point. But suddenly I feel the author took off and got drunk. I had to re-read here several times to sync up.
And we're back... fantastic prose, following non-sense... onward!
And "we" know what a human hand is.
...Lots of stuff... Yeah, it won me over.
I'm reading all this is some solid Downton Abbey accents.
"Before someone texts the city's health inspectors?" really throws the sense of time out of wack. Until now, this was "Downton Abbey" or some fantasy world of similar timeline. "Texts" as a verb breaks all that.
"Time and a place..." crow-on-human sex? Okay, I guess...
"Derpy" and the meta compounds again. WTF?
There was some amazing writing in this story. It could literally stand on its own. But the author dragged in this weird meta-narrative framing and Derpy/MLP on either end. Literally considering the artwork ("depressed pegasus" or something) would've played far better, in my opinion. Forcing a My Little Pony context here was a negative.
All that said, I've not (yet) read the other entry in this one-horse-town.
SUPER meta... not a fan.
Transform into a ... brooch? So full shape-shifter. Not just Changling.
Okay, doubling down on the meta... You either own it or you die by it.
Some nicely poetic bits about Meredith, but... Are we really expected to believe a corvid companion needs to google "carrion"?
Meta again, with the "thing like me" bit. Game-fucking-on!
"...Not a squish and not a splash but something distinctly related." That should be added to the Thog-O-Matic!
WTF? This was very solid until this point. But suddenly I feel the author took off and got drunk. I had to re-read here several times to sync up.
And we're back... fantastic prose, following non-sense... onward!
And "we" know what a human hand is.
...Lots of stuff... Yeah, it won me over.
I'm reading all this is some solid Downton Abbey accents.
"Before someone texts the city's health inspectors?" really throws the sense of time out of wack. Until now, this was "Downton Abbey" or some fantasy world of similar timeline. "Texts" as a verb breaks all that.
"Time and a place..." crow-on-human sex? Okay, I guess...
"Derpy" and the meta compounds again. WTF?
There was some amazing writing in this story. It could literally stand on its own. But the author dragged in this weird meta-narrative framing and Derpy/MLP on either end. Literally considering the artwork ("depressed pegasus" or something) would've played far better, in my opinion. Forcing a My Little Pony context here was a negative.
All that said, I've not (yet) read the other entry in this one-horse-town.
Oh ** I feel so bad, seeing a writeoff with only two fic entries. I've hated myself every time I've skipped writing something. Now it's been years since I last published something on fimfic. Now it's forever since I even entered some fiction here. Two entries? Ugh.. Let's get back on board, everyone!!! (I speak to myself as much as anyone.)
I too am failing to get anything entered this time. Damn you, real world responsibilities!!! :-P
*sigh* I wanted to enter in this one, but real life has just kept me too busy. Grrr! I need more pony in my life! Maybe next time!
Paging WIP