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A pretty straightforward story, all things considered. I've always been a fan of flash-fiction entries that aren't, well, overly flashy! Just a well-written little scene is the key to my heart.
At any rate, I do have some questions about the relevance and continuity of things within this story. Chief among them is that I don't recall that there was ever a prophesy known to Celestia that Twilight's life (let alone Spike's egg) would be key to Luna's resolution. This is implied in several lines, namely "one of the possible pieces should have been here by now" and "You have performed a great service today, one that will resonate from now into time and restore hope to the future." Unless I'm really forgetting something from the show's lore, this renders the connection of the egg to the Celestia/Luna conflict very tenuous, and I wonder if the story wouldn't have been improved by simply not invoking that conflict?
At any rate, I do have some questions about the relevance and continuity of things within this story. Chief among them is that I don't recall that there was ever a prophesy known to Celestia that Twilight's life (let alone Spike's egg) would be key to Luna's resolution. This is implied in several lines, namely "one of the possible pieces should have been here by now" and "You have performed a great service today, one that will resonate from now into time and restore hope to the future." Unless I'm really forgetting something from the show's lore, this renders the connection of the egg to the Celestia/Luna conflict very tenuous, and I wonder if the story wouldn't have been improved by simply not invoking that conflict?
Reading the three existing reviews, I'm a bit surprised to find discussion about topics in this story that are mostly unrelated to what caught my attention. Hopefully that means I can provide a little bit of fresh perspective.
First off, I should say that I regard this story in quite high esteem. It was the first story on my ballot, but if I had to guess about known unknowns, I should still think it's going to make top three for me. That said, the story still fell from "This could be a ballot topper" in the beginning (suffice to say, I think it was very well done) to merely "This is a quality story" as I continued on. I feel like this was primarily due to a decrease of care and polish as the 1k, 2k, 3k, ... marks were reached. Indeed, I even noticed a "hersef" creep into the prose later on, but more substantially than that, I felt like the personalities of Tiff and Magpie (and indeed the voice of the story itself) became sort of generic and hard to differentiate. As well, earlier on there was a clear contrast between the olden fable-speak and modern day-speak, and the latter was only occasionally injected for flavor, but by the time Magpie's story is finished, it was just the norm.
Speaking of post-Magpie's story, I got the impression that the author either realized he was about to hit the word limit, or otherwise ran out of time or effort, because there was a bit of unceremonious explanation-dumping at that point: “Wait, the same hole as…?” rather than including that in the story; “And that led to, uh, him?”; the six fingers and “Y-yeah, so, that’s why I’ve got plenty of magic now, but also why I’m a little bit evil."; “Just so you know, I kept putting off Asterion’s plans for raising an army of darkness, but I think he was beginning to get fed up. So you came at a good time.”
Speaking of Asterion, and also the priest, I find the reflexive homicide Magpie/Tiff committed on both of them was a bit out of character. Most the rest of the story and its characters reminds me of that blasted show with the cartoon horses, excepting those parts. Well, that, and Magpie taking a knife to the gut, but that was suspensefully enacted.
Like the others, I don't find that the romance really added anything to the story, nor was it sufficiently built up. It would still be more than heartfelt enough for them to merely bond as friends, and then later become lovers. Relatedly, although it was a little "cute" how the tomboy girl fell in love with the feminized boy by the end of the story, I'm not sure that it gained anything other than LGBT brownie points.
Another random minor nitpick (this review turned out a lot more disorganized than I was planning): The beginning of the story gave me the impression that this was set in a realistic medieval world, rather than a fantasy medieval world, what with all the fake prophecy-fulfillment Tiff was performing, the obviously corrupt priest, etc. It wasn't confirmed to be a world with actual magic, until the part with the skeleton.
Oh, one more thing: I know of only one Ulfric in anything, especially one that is a medieval lord, and that is Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak of Skyrim. Especially given your audience, it might give the impression of ripping off of that. I was also uncertain whether to properly consider the "cursed tower of Nyx" a reference to Past Sins.
Since I'm not good at concluding things, I'll just repeat what Not_A_Hat said, which summarizes my thoughts exactly: "Now, I've leveled a lot of criticism here, but on the whole, I really enjoyed this. It was easy to read, with some fun subversion, and interesting characters. It'll probably do fairly well by me, even if it didn't knock my socks off. Thanks for writing!"
First off, I should say that I regard this story in quite high esteem. It was the first story on my ballot, but if I had to guess about known unknowns, I should still think it's going to make top three for me. That said, the story still fell from "This could be a ballot topper" in the beginning (suffice to say, I think it was very well done) to merely "This is a quality story" as I continued on. I feel like this was primarily due to a decrease of care and polish as the 1k, 2k, 3k, ... marks were reached. Indeed, I even noticed a "hersef" creep into the prose later on, but more substantially than that, I felt like the personalities of Tiff and Magpie (and indeed the voice of the story itself) became sort of generic and hard to differentiate. As well, earlier on there was a clear contrast between the olden fable-speak and modern day-speak, and the latter was only occasionally injected for flavor, but by the time Magpie's story is finished, it was just the norm.
Speaking of post-Magpie's story, I got the impression that the author either realized he was about to hit the word limit, or otherwise ran out of time or effort, because there was a bit of unceremonious explanation-dumping at that point: “Wait, the same hole as…?” rather than including that in the story; “And that led to, uh, him?”; the six fingers and “Y-yeah, so, that’s why I’ve got plenty of magic now, but also why I’m a little bit evil."; “Just so you know, I kept putting off Asterion’s plans for raising an army of darkness, but I think he was beginning to get fed up. So you came at a good time.”
Speaking of Asterion, and also the priest, I find the reflexive homicide Magpie/Tiff committed on both of them was a bit out of character. Most the rest of the story and its characters reminds me of that blasted show with the cartoon horses, excepting those parts. Well, that, and Magpie taking a knife to the gut, but that was suspensefully enacted.
Like the others, I don't find that the romance really added anything to the story, nor was it sufficiently built up. It would still be more than heartfelt enough for them to merely bond as friends, and then later become lovers. Relatedly, although it was a little "cute" how the tomboy girl fell in love with the feminized boy by the end of the story, I'm not sure that it gained anything other than LGBT brownie points.
Another random minor nitpick (this review turned out a lot more disorganized than I was planning): The beginning of the story gave me the impression that this was set in a realistic medieval world, rather than a fantasy medieval world, what with all the fake prophecy-fulfillment Tiff was performing, the obviously corrupt priest, etc. It wasn't confirmed to be a world with actual magic, until the part with the skeleton.
Oh, one more thing: I know of only one Ulfric in anything, especially one that is a medieval lord, and that is Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak of Skyrim. Especially given your audience, it might give the impression of ripping off of that. I was also uncertain whether to properly consider the "cursed tower of Nyx" a reference to Past Sins.
Since I'm not good at concluding things, I'll just repeat what Not_A_Hat said, which summarizes my thoughts exactly: "Now, I've leveled a lot of criticism here, but on the whole, I really enjoyed this. It was easy to read, with some fun subversion, and interesting characters. It'll probably do fairly well by me, even if it didn't knock my socks off. Thanks for writing!"
Thank you for all your comments.
>>bloons3
This is exactly what I was going for, yeah. But in the end, I seemed to have missed the mark. More on that below.
>>Fenton
I felt there is indeed a lot of unexplained (in the story) distance between the confident and loyal Dash that we know from the show, and the broken down and fraudulent Dash in the second part of the story. But, with a little bit of creative license, I don't see why it should be unbelievable. We saw the ridiculous lengths that Dash went to in the earlier seasons just to cover up the fact that she liked Daring Do, in part including compulsive denial. And that was over a dumb little book, the enjoyment of which would constitute at most a slightly embarrassing blemish to her pride. When it came to something that (in her and most other ponies' eyes) would dismantle the most powerful engine for her pride—that is, her flying ability—I can see how she might lock up permanently in a state of denial, especially when she has had next to no experience dealing with letting others down in that regard.
Granted, I would have liked to actually explore these ramifications and justifications in the story rather than leave them implicit, but a short story has to leave details out. I suppose I didn't leave the right ones out.
>>Icenrose
Most of my reply to Fenton can relate to what you said about "her voicing drifting out of character" in the second part. Though, I admit I don't understand why you find it odd that the second part is filled with internal monologue. After all, the first part is written from the perspective of the interviewer, who knows nothing about Dash's inner thoughts, whereas the second part is written from Dash's perspective whilst meditating alone.
Again, thank you all greatly for your feedback, but in light of how poorly this fic actually placed, I think I have to accuse you guys of offering me pity compliments. After the fact, I don't know whether to interpret your input as genuinely contradictory to those who voted down my story, or as merely trying to say "this story is trite and forgettable" in a more polite way. If I just keep getting mild comments that "maybe this element feels off to me" but my writing still suffers from easily identifiable weaknesses, well, I'm never going to get better.
>>bloons3
This is exactly what I was going for, yeah. But in the end, I seemed to have missed the mark. More on that below.
>>Fenton
I felt there is indeed a lot of unexplained (in the story) distance between the confident and loyal Dash that we know from the show, and the broken down and fraudulent Dash in the second part of the story. But, with a little bit of creative license, I don't see why it should be unbelievable. We saw the ridiculous lengths that Dash went to in the earlier seasons just to cover up the fact that she liked Daring Do, in part including compulsive denial. And that was over a dumb little book, the enjoyment of which would constitute at most a slightly embarrassing blemish to her pride. When it came to something that (in her and most other ponies' eyes) would dismantle the most powerful engine for her pride—that is, her flying ability—I can see how she might lock up permanently in a state of denial, especially when she has had next to no experience dealing with letting others down in that regard.
Granted, I would have liked to actually explore these ramifications and justifications in the story rather than leave them implicit, but a short story has to leave details out. I suppose I didn't leave the right ones out.
>>Icenrose
Most of my reply to Fenton can relate to what you said about "her voicing drifting out of character" in the second part. Though, I admit I don't understand why you find it odd that the second part is filled with internal monologue. After all, the first part is written from the perspective of the interviewer, who knows nothing about Dash's inner thoughts, whereas the second part is written from Dash's perspective whilst meditating alone.
Again, thank you all greatly for your feedback, but in light of how poorly this fic actually placed, I think I have to accuse you guys of offering me pity compliments. After the fact, I don't know whether to interpret your input as genuinely contradictory to those who voted down my story, or as merely trying to say "this story is trite and forgettable" in a more polite way. If I just keep getting mild comments that "maybe this element feels off to me" but my writing still suffers from easily identifiable weaknesses, well, I'm never going to get better.
Twelfth place? I'm sorry, that just won't do; this was one of, if perhaps not my favorite art submission this round. It's just drawn so competently, with so much care and attention to good framing, and the facial expression ties it together and infuses an overwhelming (as it must be for the foal!) amount of adorable emotion. A very memorable piece; thank you for sharing, artist.
"Don't touch that dial now, we're just getting started."
(Hopefully somepony gets the reference)
(Hopefully somepony gets the reference)
>>Moosetasm
I believe it is a love letter, based on the seal, and she is tearing it up in front of him. "Keep pretending" that she's into you, not out of your league, etc.
I believe it is a love letter, based on the seal, and she is tearing it up in front of him. "Keep pretending" that she's into you, not out of your league, etc.
Altogether, I very much liked this fic. Stories about psychological conflict portrayed in a dramatic but realistic fashion are right up my alley, and I'm a fan of Moonlight, too. I would have to agree with Trick_Question, however, that her character in this could be improved by bringing her closer in alignment with her (albeit reformed) canonically misanthropic personality from the show, or at least differentiating her beyond "shy girl." I still think she came across very organically, though.
As for the other characters, I think there's even more potential left untapped, and that was for me a great disappointment. I was looking forward to seeing Teaspoon's, Ferris's, and Cinna's stories, giving them their moment in the spotlight, but instead I'm left with a great sense of lacking regarding their characters. You really did set them up at the beginning quite wonderfully, but in a way that teased at future possibilities or explanations for them (Teaspoon in particular). Mind, I don't think this would've fully solved the sense of irrelevance the characters besides Moondancer, Posey, and Cinna are saddled with; the best cure for that, I think, would be to give them their own aspirations, insecurities, and growth like Moondancer had, but that of course demands a much larger story to be told.
(I would much appreciate reading one or more sequel stories to this one, where Moondancer returns to the Moonlight Society, and arcs of the other characters are explored. Do let me know if you expand on this!)
I thought it was brilliant, the way you included the (not so?) subtle insinuation that Cinna was a buffoon talking out of his expertise by suggesting that Posey write a page of an epic poem in haiku. "Yeah! Just a page. Or, like, a canto, y'know. Whatever comes first. Mix it up!" It's a good set-up for the unreasonable confrontation he has next with Moondancer.
The choreography was well written, but seemed a bit inefficient at times. For example, what was the point of all those words spent describing Teaspoon almost falling backward out of his chair? Is it really necessary to pad the time between dialogue like this:
just to fully showcase another one of Cinna's perverted jokes? These actions read mellifluously, but I can't help but think they're just well-written filler.
As for the other characters, I think there's even more potential left untapped, and that was for me a great disappointment. I was looking forward to seeing Teaspoon's, Ferris's, and Cinna's stories, giving them their moment in the spotlight, but instead I'm left with a great sense of lacking regarding their characters. You really did set them up at the beginning quite wonderfully, but in a way that teased at future possibilities or explanations for them (Teaspoon in particular). Mind, I don't think this would've fully solved the sense of irrelevance the characters besides Moondancer, Posey, and Cinna are saddled with; the best cure for that, I think, would be to give them their own aspirations, insecurities, and growth like Moondancer had, but that of course demands a much larger story to be told.
(I would much appreciate reading one or more sequel stories to this one, where Moondancer returns to the Moonlight Society, and arcs of the other characters are explored. Do let me know if you expand on this!)
I thought it was brilliant, the way you included the (not so?) subtle insinuation that Cinna was a buffoon talking out of his expertise by suggesting that Posey write a page of an epic poem in haiku. "Yeah! Just a page. Or, like, a canto, y'know. Whatever comes first. Mix it up!" It's a good set-up for the unreasonable confrontation he has next with Moondancer.
The choreography was well written, but seemed a bit inefficient at times. For example, what was the point of all those words spent describing Teaspoon almost falling backward out of his chair? Is it really necessary to pad the time between dialogue like this:
Cinna edged forward in his seat, leering. "Is that an open invitation?"
A flicker of shadow from the chandelier transformed Ferris's smile into a grimace. "Cinna."
Cinna sucked his teeth and sat back, his smirk morphing into a scowl.
Clearing her throat again, Ferris began.
just to fully showcase another one of Cinna's perverted jokes? These actions read mellifluously, but I can't help but think they're just well-written filler.
>>Pascoite
Personally, I found the story as bearable and interesting as any other (and by my ballot it should've made finals). Even if it wasn't, I find it hard to believe that GGA intended to include this "meta" aspect in the form of a lack of impetus in the opening.
Otherwise, I agree with the others who say that the ending is the weakest point. CelestAI's putdowns seem counterproductive and therefore out of character for her, unless she has some ulterior motive in telling Norrie the "truth." But this isn't even hinted at (in fact, it's hinted by her video game notifications that Norrie will stay addicted to her complacent paradise), so we're kind of left feeling like we only got half the story.
The main point, though, is that this isn't a story that's going to excite anyone. It's one of those stories you kind of have to bear with... The story knows itt doesn't have a bunch of momentum impelling it forward, but it's also kept short enough that readers are probably going to stick with it to the end. And that's the meta point I found.
Personally, I found the story as bearable and interesting as any other (and by my ballot it should've made finals). Even if it wasn't, I find it hard to believe that GGA intended to include this "meta" aspect in the form of a lack of impetus in the opening.
Otherwise, I agree with the others who say that the ending is the weakest point. CelestAI's putdowns seem counterproductive and therefore out of character for her, unless she has some ulterior motive in telling Norrie the "truth." But this isn't even hinted at (in fact, it's hinted by her video game notifications that Norrie will stay addicted to her complacent paradise), so we're kind of left feeling like we only got half the story.
To keep my impression short and to-the-point: The amount of typos is execrable, as though you didn't proofread it once, or even pay that much attention while typing it. The choreography is serviceable but nothing memorable (except for the part where Twilight seemingly teleported from the Ponopoly board into the shower). Nonetheless, the characterization and genuine warmth of the storytelling was consistently above many of even the better authors here, which is rather remarkable.
Keep at it!
Keep at it!
Honestly, I did like it. I felt like the tension was genuine and certainly unlike anything else I've read so far. I have to dock points for it being rather one-trick, and also ending without even a further hint as to what we're meant to take away. Most of all, I just want to know how Anderson got like that, because it's obviously way, way beyond simple otaku-ism.
It made up a theme and stuck to it, which is more than I can say for many other stories. I only wish the author had put some more effort into critically proofreading his stuff, because a kind of talented carelessness shows itself in some of the punctuation and grammatical constructions.
>>Monokeras
This story isn't at all framed like a traditional story, and this much was at least immediate to me from the start. The protagonist is indeed a lying layabout, and the father is too soft with his kid to the point of delusion. This description of the two is done thoroughly enough that I did legitimately care about them. There is intentionally very little in the way of an evolving plot, and it's not like there's going to be a gold-trimmed moral or resolution by the end of the story. It works well enough as a portrait of two interesting characters in a static moment of their life.
It made up a theme and stuck to it, which is more than I can say for many other stories. I only wish the author had put some more effort into critically proofreading his stuff, because a kind of talented carelessness shows itself in some of the punctuation and grammatical constructions.
>>Monokeras
This story isn't at all framed like a traditional story, and this much was at least immediate to me from the start. The protagonist is indeed a lying layabout, and the father is too soft with his kid to the point of delusion. This description of the two is done thoroughly enough that I did legitimately care about them. There is intentionally very little in the way of an evolving plot, and it's not like there's going to be a gold-trimmed moral or resolution by the end of the story. It works well enough as a portrait of two interesting characters in a static moment of their life.
In the off-chance that this is actually someone's effortful and genuine attempt at an entry, I apologize. But as it stands, I am 90% sure this is either a crackfic with an intentionally ridiculous amount of typos (I have written down all that I found, but it's not worth my effort to organize it here unless the author is genuine) and a non sequitur ending, or it was an attempt at a fic that the author wrote without ever hitting the backspace key or scrolling back up once and gave up on by the end, but for some reason still submitted to the Writeoff.
In either of those two cases, I would really prefer that this kind of story not be submitted in the future. Against my better judgment, I actually put the labor into reading it all the way through, thinking it might just be an amateur writer I could offer constructive criticism for. Now, instead, I feel like I wasted my time for nothing.
An actual review, in case this is a legitimate attempt:
This story reads as one random minor obstacle after another. None of the characters have any depth to them, apart from—possibly—the MC. Even then, we're given a lot of backstory about her that bears no relevance on her future actions in the story, and worse yet, the MC doesn't seem to be much more than a passive observer (and an occasional problem solver for minor obstacles). Lesser loose ends or hints of greater significance, such as Mahalile's vehement disagreement with the central tower plan, never have any hope of being addressed again. The major loose ends, such as King Nimrod's place in this all—why he wants to pierce the heavens, why he suddenly took a stand against God at the end, why he was seemingly placed into the same language group as Ned and Ahnna, why he's coming in through the window through a pulley at the end and then just ending the story right there—are not even tied off. None of the interminable descriptions about central tower-laying, or wind circulation, or three-pointed starring, has anything to do with the story's momentum.
If I can say one good thing, besides the token service done to Ahnna's motivation as a character, it's that the ending scenes where Ahnna and Ned are trying to escape the tower produce some degree of a tense atmosphere.
But yes, let us not forget the typos. Typos typos typos! Here are just a random few I found:
"Ned rolled his eyes, almost as if to catch a glimpse of his thoughts. Just about everyone had been used to Mahalile’s neigh say nature."
"The temperatures were becoming more difficult to bare."
"The tower acted as a log interrupting it’s current."
"The thought bothered her about as much as gnat."
“But Ahnna,” she was hoping she wouldn’t say it, “the interior tower has no such decay.”
"She wasn’t sure what to while shaking in the sight of the LORD."
"In her mind, God’s face seem both foreign and familiar, almost shifting into everyone she’s even known and people she never will."
In either of those two cases, I would really prefer that this kind of story not be submitted in the future. Against my better judgment, I actually put the labor into reading it all the way through, thinking it might just be an amateur writer I could offer constructive criticism for. Now, instead, I feel like I wasted my time for nothing.
An actual review, in case this is a legitimate attempt:
This story reads as one random minor obstacle after another. None of the characters have any depth to them, apart from—possibly—the MC. Even then, we're given a lot of backstory about her that bears no relevance on her future actions in the story, and worse yet, the MC doesn't seem to be much more than a passive observer (and an occasional problem solver for minor obstacles). Lesser loose ends or hints of greater significance, such as Mahalile's vehement disagreement with the central tower plan, never have any hope of being addressed again. The major loose ends, such as King Nimrod's place in this all—why he wants to pierce the heavens, why he suddenly took a stand against God at the end, why he was seemingly placed into the same language group as Ned and Ahnna, why he's coming in through the window through a pulley at the end and then just ending the story right there—are not even tied off. None of the interminable descriptions about central tower-laying, or wind circulation, or three-pointed starring, has anything to do with the story's momentum.
If I can say one good thing, besides the token service done to Ahnna's motivation as a character, it's that the ending scenes where Ahnna and Ned are trying to escape the tower produce some degree of a tense atmosphere.
But yes, let us not forget the typos. Typos typos typos! Here are just a random few I found:
"Ned rolled his eyes, almost as if to catch a glimpse of his thoughts. Just about everyone had been used to Mahalile’s neigh say nature."
"The temperatures were becoming more difficult to bare."
"The tower acted as a log interrupting it’s current."
"The thought bothered her about as much as gnat."
“But Ahnna,” she was hoping she wouldn’t say it, “the interior tower has no such decay.”
"She wasn’t sure what to while shaking in the sight of the LORD."
"In her mind, God’s face seem both foreign and familiar, almost shifting into everyone she’s even known and people she never will."
This was really a phenomenal read. I've yet to get to all (or even half) the entries, but I find it quite hard to imagine another entry will displace this from the very top of my ballot. In other words, it's certainly a Top 3 for me.
Others have given this some rather thorough analysis so far, and I might come back to post a more detailed response of my own. But for now, I'll just voice my disagreement with a repeated critique lodged against the ending, namely that it was too sentimental.
>>Miller Minus
>>Cassius
It reads to me like perfectly fine ending "filler." Really, the story ended with the brilliant line: “Why does the needle change anything?” But it's not like the author could've actually ended it there, given the frame. What follows, including this "borderline sentimentalist" paragraph:
sounds like it's perfectly in-character for our sentimentalist MC, who is after all recording this extemporaneously on a voice-to-text (admittedly, the eloquence of the MC's supposed stream-of-consciousness while driving of all things does stress my suspension of disbelief, but that's creative license for you), and is a necessary sort of denouement for an email to a professor. At the same time, it at least offers a little post mortem discussion of the moral of the story, albeit slightly cheesy.
Others have given this some rather thorough analysis so far, and I might come back to post a more detailed response of my own. But for now, I'll just voice my disagreement with a repeated critique lodged against the ending, namely that it was too sentimental.
>>Miller Minus
>>Cassius
final couple hundred words is unfortunately dedicated to holding the reader's hand and explaining what the story was about as if the reader is an idiot
It reads to me like perfectly fine ending "filler." Really, the story ended with the brilliant line: “Why does the needle change anything?” But it's not like the author could've actually ended it there, given the frame. What follows, including this "borderline sentimentalist" paragraph:
I wish I could say that there was a hero in this essay, but there aren't any. Alex treated those around her like garbage. The doctor should have done the X-ray the first time he met her. Her parents could have tried a little harder, and Derek could have just given her the benefit of the doubt.
sounds like it's perfectly in-character for our sentimentalist MC, who is after all recording this extemporaneously on a voice-to-text (admittedly, the eloquence of the MC's supposed stream-of-consciousness while driving of all things does stress my suspension of disbelief, but that's creative license for you), and is a necessary sort of denouement for an email to a professor. At the same time, it at least offers a little post mortem discussion of the moral of the story, albeit slightly cheesy.
Overall, this is a good and charming tale, although it suffers somewhat from lack of substance. There's a lot going on behind the scenes with Sunburs—I mean Zep's emotions and how they are symbolized through his interactions with the cat, but it borders on being one-dimensional and tell-y at points. Also, what is the lesson that Zep really learned, which allowed him to unlock his potential? The exchange
indicates something very specific, but it is never elucidated.
I agree with CantStopWontStop that the large paragraphs at the start of the story are a definitive drawback. Despite that, the writing is tight enough to make up for the temporary stopped pace. Later, however, this technical prowess falters; here are examples of some sentences that don't contain obvious typos, but should've been identified as problematic during a proofread:
I don't believe it was even identified by this point that it was winter, but even then, is Zep shoveling paths through "last week"? Because that's the immediate antecedent. Is it the storm? It would be too inaccurate, it's actually the snow on the ground created by the storm. As well, "which only looked to be more bitter than" is awkward.
Runny and confusing.
Two almost unrelated sentences stitched together.
As well, there is a recurrent issue with Zephirum's nickname turning from Zep into Zeb for a while. I'm pretty sure this is a mistake.
At the very least, this fic makes up for its faults by being an easy and enjoyable read, which goes a long way in the end.
“I’m sorry I did not listen to you.”
“I’m just pleased that you listened to something.”
indicates something very specific, but it is never elucidated.
I agree with CantStopWontStop that the large paragraphs at the start of the story are a definitive drawback. Despite that, the writing is tight enough to make up for the temporary stopped pace. Later, however, this technical prowess falters; here are examples of some sentences that don't contain obvious typos, but should've been identified as problematic during a proofread:
It did not take a spell to see the way clouds were stacking up on the horizon, a vicious storm which only looked to be more bitter than last week which had taken forever for Zep to shovel paths through.
I don't believe it was even identified by this point that it was winter, but even then, is Zep shoveling paths through "last week"? Because that's the immediate antecedent. Is it the storm? It would be too inaccurate, it's actually the snow on the ground created by the storm. As well, "which only looked to be more bitter than" is awkward.
To make space, the furniture in the main room had to be moved into the bedrooms, an activity that made him sweat with exertion by the time the main room was sufficiently full enough of wood to keep him warm even if the storm were to rage for days.
Runny and confusing.
All that was left was some vigorous sweeping to clean up after the wood restacking and Zeb pulled his sleeping mat in next to the warm stove, where it would most probably remain for the next week.
Two almost unrelated sentences stitched together.
As well, there is a recurrent issue with Zephirum's nickname turning from Zep into Zeb for a while. I'm pretty sure this is a mistake.
At the very least, this fic makes up for its faults by being an easy and enjoyable read, which goes a long way in the end.
>>Hap
"Having an intimate experience with sublime beauty" is going to have to be my new go-to euphemism for masturbation. Sorry, "naked air guitar," you've served me well.
At any rate, this is a story that seems to only gain its momentum and focus gradually. The beginning is a big, confusing slog in which the characters are too distant. Even the small-talk somehow manages to be cryptic. It would've been much better if the author just came out and said, "The city is abandoned of all but raiders due to an impending apocalypse. The lovers Carolyn and Gene want to spend their last days together doing something special."
All in all, there's too much dancing around the basic points of the story, including the comet(s), the two's seemingly shared disease (I don't understand why they are sick in the first place, and it has a minimal impact on the plot anyway), and Carolyn and Gene's history with each other. Carolyn hints at some sort of falling-out in their past ("For once she didn’t feel the leftover disgust of knowing there was nothing between her and him."), but this is never brought to light. A recurring theme of "disgust" is clearly indicated, but I don't know why. I also couldn't even accurately discern Carolyn and Gene's ages by the end of the story. At the beginning, they act like young adults or older teenagers; throughout the middle, and taking into account their family anecdotes, they're maybe more like older 20s or early 30s; but no one has been named "Eugene" in about half a century, much less ever called that in lieu of just Gene (“Eugene?” she said at once).
But that's enough of the ranting. I did eventually become invested in the story, the characters, and their plight, even if it dragged or rambled at times and didn't tie up all its loose ends. In particular, I think the ending scene is paced marvelously, and is the jewel stone of the tale.
EDIT: Actually, in retrospect, I stand somewhat corrected; it was at least mentioned at the beginning that they were (formerly) college students, so that establishes their age, even if I sometimes wonder if they really act like it.
"Having an intimate experience with sublime beauty" is going to have to be my new go-to euphemism for masturbation. Sorry, "naked air guitar," you've served me well.
At any rate, this is a story that seems to only gain its momentum and focus gradually. The beginning is a big, confusing slog in which the characters are too distant. Even the small-talk somehow manages to be cryptic. It would've been much better if the author just came out and said, "The city is abandoned of all but raiders due to an impending apocalypse. The lovers Carolyn and Gene want to spend their last days together doing something special."
All in all, there's too much dancing around the basic points of the story, including the comet(s), the two's seemingly shared disease (I don't understand why they are sick in the first place, and it has a minimal impact on the plot anyway), and Carolyn and Gene's history with each other. Carolyn hints at some sort of falling-out in their past ("For once she didn’t feel the leftover disgust of knowing there was nothing between her and him."), but this is never brought to light. A recurring theme of "disgust" is clearly indicated, but I don't know why. I also couldn't even accurately discern Carolyn and Gene's ages by the end of the story. At the beginning, they act like young adults or older teenagers; throughout the middle, and taking into account their family anecdotes, they're maybe more like older 20s or early 30s; but no one has been named "Eugene" in about half a century, much less ever called that in lieu of just Gene (“Eugene?” she said at once).
But that's enough of the ranting. I did eventually become invested in the story, the characters, and their plight, even if it dragged or rambled at times and didn't tie up all its loose ends. In particular, I think the ending scene is paced marvelously, and is the jewel stone of the tale.
EDIT: Actually, in retrospect, I stand somewhat corrected; it was at least mentioned at the beginning that they were (formerly) college students, so that establishes their age, even if I sometimes wonder if they really act like it.
Unfortunately, I think I'm left with more negative things to say about this fic than positives. On the other hand, most of these are minor-to-moderate constructive criticisms, and the story still cohesively holds itself together by the end of it all, so it's still more than a fine attempt.
1: The central storyline isn't clear enough. The first part of the story, up until Knutr's death at sea, reads like a series of random events in the village. The vandalism with the fish intestines obviously makes you think Knutr was innocent, but then it turns out this whole matter is just irrelevant backstory? The forestalling of Aegir's statue makes you think the sea god's wrath is going to be invoked, but then nothing comes of it? Astrid's pregnancy appears to be more than incidental, but then that's also a dead end? And last but certainly not least: What did happen to Agmundr? My first theory was that there was some faked-death/love-triangle shenanigans going on, especially with the pregnancy, but that is mistaken. My first impression upon reading the shocker ending sentence is "ghost after all," but the story just falls so flat if it's only a drawn-out "generic rival comes back to generically haunt the MC" pattern. The last theory I can plausibly entertain is that Agmundr caught some sort of disease while retrieving Knutr's corpse, but even that doesn't connect all the dots.
2: The writing on a technical level is unimpressive. At least, apart from the ancient Scandinavian flair, which I think was done convincingly and consistently. But that aside, there are several typos ("That day, the people of Sóknardalr saw in the skies over the fjord darken in a sudden squall," "no trace Knutr," "able bodied" -> "able-bodied"), an overuse of commas in places, and bland constructions.
Overall, I just don't feel that this story is memorable enough. It reads like an overly inflated flash fiction tale.
1: The central storyline isn't clear enough. The first part of the story, up until Knutr's death at sea, reads like a series of random events in the village. The vandalism with the fish intestines obviously makes you think Knutr was innocent, but then it turns out this whole matter is just irrelevant backstory? The forestalling of Aegir's statue makes you think the sea god's wrath is going to be invoked, but then nothing comes of it? Astrid's pregnancy appears to be more than incidental, but then that's also a dead end? And last but certainly not least: What did happen to Agmundr? My first theory was that there was some faked-death/love-triangle shenanigans going on, especially with the pregnancy, but that is mistaken. My first impression upon reading the shocker ending sentence is "ghost after all," but the story just falls so flat if it's only a drawn-out "generic rival comes back to generically haunt the MC" pattern. The last theory I can plausibly entertain is that Agmundr caught some sort of disease while retrieving Knutr's corpse, but even that doesn't connect all the dots.
2: The writing on a technical level is unimpressive. At least, apart from the ancient Scandinavian flair, which I think was done convincingly and consistently. But that aside, there are several typos ("That day, the people of Sóknardalr saw in the skies over the fjord darken in a sudden squall," "no trace Knutr," "able bodied" -> "able-bodied"), an overuse of commas in places, and bland constructions.
Overall, I just don't feel that this story is memorable enough. It reads like an overly inflated flash fiction tale.
I think it bears a fair enough relation to the prompt, as long as one interprets "they" to mean either the mountains, or the photographer himself/herself.
>>Anon Y Mous
Haha, I was going for exactly this reaction! When the site was crashed, and we were reading off of Rao's downloaded anthology of the stories, we were able to see all the art submitted thus far (bug, not a feature). I laughed myself silly when I saw it said White Power, and then remembered that line from the story.
Haha, I was going for exactly this reaction! When the site was crashed, and we were reading off of Rao's downloaded anthology of the stories, we were able to see all the art submitted thus far (bug, not a feature). I laughed myself silly when I saw it said White Power, and then remembered that line from the story.
I very much liked this fic; in fact, I ranked it 7th out of 39th this round. It portrays very capably a tension characterized by "insecurities eating away at oneself," with an additional look into how it impacts Spike. Particularly, I like that this tension is simply thrust into the fore from the get-go, and ends without any significant resolution; this aptly gives the impression that these insecurities have been pernicious for a long time now, that Spike realizes this, and that Twilight is going to suffer from them for a while longer until she directly confronts them herself (Spike did all he could, but Twilight herself needs to see the light). This presentation is, in my opinion, superior to an alternative where the tension is gradually introduced, clearly climaxes, and is resolved (in positive or negative fashion) with a neat little bow, all in artificial manner.
As for critique, I might nitpick and say that the narration sometimes loses focus or wastes time on irrelevant things, e.g. "a recent Golden Oak acquisition," "giving Spike a rare opportunity to be taller than her for a change" (the comic relief also seems to be a defect here), "as though she were capable of delivering any other kind." I also agree with Coffee, that the "viper's nest" comment paints with slightly too dark a brush.
I might also wonder if the story could pack just a little more of a punch, by connecting Twilight's anxieties with something deeper (her new status as Princess is a good start). But as it stands, this story is still a very quality, sober portrait of Twilight's darker side.
As for critique, I might nitpick and say that the narration sometimes loses focus or wastes time on irrelevant things, e.g. "a recent Golden Oak acquisition," "giving Spike a rare opportunity to be taller than her for a change" (the comic relief also seems to be a defect here), "as though she were capable of delivering any other kind." I also agree with Coffee, that the "viper's nest" comment paints with slightly too dark a brush.
I might also wonder if the story could pack just a little more of a punch, by connecting Twilight's anxieties with something deeper (her new status as Princess is a good start). But as it stands, this story is still a very quality, sober portrait of Twilight's darker side.
Paging WIP