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Butterfly
The butterfly's wings moved slowly up and down, providing counterbalance to the gentle sway of the white flower.—
It was such a nice day—optimal mission conditions. The sun shone brightly—23.4 degrees celsius—and the breeze carried the tang of a nearby lake—2.3m/s north-west prevailing, 55% relative humidity. The air was filled with the sweet scent of so many white flowers—11,316 specimens of Lilium candidum.
The butterfly uncurled its delicate nozzle and sucked on the sweet white flower's nectar—fuel acquired. It was just about to move on to another flower when a sound caught its attention—two vehicles have stopped within the target area.
Several men stepped out from the cars and entered the gazebo next to the flower garden. There other, quieter men, had laid a table, chairs and drinks. Two important looking men among the new arrivals sat across each other while the quiet men stood aside, looking around and occasionally exchanging a hushed word.
Mission targets confirmed.
The butterfly spread its wings and took flight. It's slender frame was as much subject to the breeze, as it was to its own desires, but eventually it managed to land on a flower near the two men.
Sound recording initiated.
The smell of tobacco and alcohol intruded upon the butterfly, and the gazebo's shade took away the gentle warmth of the sun. The two men's voices gradually rose, growing more heated. The smell of tobacco thickened.
Data link established, preparing to stream tightbeam audio.
One of the men exhaled a cloud of smoke and a gust of wind blew it right over the butterfly. It decided it could no longer take this, and took flight.
Warning! Breach of mission parameters! Return to designated coordinates!
Once out of the shade, the butterfly let the wind carry it over to the far side of the garden. It flew to position itself away from the unpleasant smells and rowdy voices. It settled on a large white flower and spread its wings to soak up the sun's warmth.
Targets outside auditory sensor range. Primary mission objective in jeopardy. Return to designated coordinates immediately!
The butterfly stood still, letting its body sway gently with the breeze.
Primary mission objective in jeopardy. Immediate action required!
Repeat. Primary mission objective in jeopardy. Immediate acton required!
The butterfly stirred, and with a lazy ark it flew to the next flower, unfurling its nozzle to enjoy its sweet nectar. Overhead, the cloudless skies carried the scent of lillies.
Movement detected. Targets leaving mission area. Primary mission objective failed. Preparing to self-destruct.
...
Then again, it is such a nice day.
It was such a nice day—optimal mission conditions. The sun shone brightly—23.4 degrees celsius—and the breeze carried the tang of a nearby lake—2.3m/s north-west prevailing, 55% relative humidity. The air was filled with the sweet scent of so many white flowers—11,316 specimens of Lilium candidum.
The butterfly uncurled its delicate nozzle and sucked on the sweet white flower's nectar—fuel acquired. It was just about to move on to another flower when a sound caught its attention—two vehicles have stopped within the target area.
Several men stepped out from the cars and entered the gazebo next to the flower garden. There other, quieter men, had laid a table, chairs and drinks. Two important looking men among the new arrivals sat across each other while the quiet men stood aside, looking around and occasionally exchanging a hushed word.
Mission targets confirmed.
The butterfly spread its wings and took flight. It's slender frame was as much subject to the breeze, as it was to its own desires, but eventually it managed to land on a flower near the two men.
Sound recording initiated.
The smell of tobacco and alcohol intruded upon the butterfly, and the gazebo's shade took away the gentle warmth of the sun. The two men's voices gradually rose, growing more heated. The smell of tobacco thickened.
Data link established, preparing to stream tightbeam audio.
One of the men exhaled a cloud of smoke and a gust of wind blew it right over the butterfly. It decided it could no longer take this, and took flight.
Warning! Breach of mission parameters! Return to designated coordinates!
Once out of the shade, the butterfly let the wind carry it over to the far side of the garden. It flew to position itself away from the unpleasant smells and rowdy voices. It settled on a large white flower and spread its wings to soak up the sun's warmth.
Targets outside auditory sensor range. Primary mission objective in jeopardy. Return to designated coordinates immediately!
The butterfly stood still, letting its body sway gently with the breeze.
Primary mission objective in jeopardy. Immediate action required!
Repeat. Primary mission objective in jeopardy. Immediate acton required!
The butterfly stirred, and with a lazy ark it flew to the next flower, unfurling its nozzle to enjoy its sweet nectar. Overhead, the cloudless skies carried the scent of lillies.
Movement detected. Targets leaving mission area. Primary mission objective failed. Preparing to self-destruct.
...
Then again, it is such a nice day.
Pics
A few typos, but nothing major. Interesting choice of a butterfly, since they're a classic example of metamorphosis, but you have one that's already an adult taking on a new function. I'm caught up in what the context for this might be. Is it a genetically engineered butterfly that still has a little too much instinct in it to follow orders absolutely? Is it an AI designed to mimic butterflies so well that it's losing itself in its identity? The story doesn't have to answer those, of course, unless the author actually wanted to take that on as what the story's message would be.
What I would like is a little more tension. It's obvious right from the beginning that this butterfly has a conflicting nature to it, so after a couple paragraphs, I already get that. Nothing new ever happens with it, at least until it starts disregarding orders, but it leaves the middle of the story feeling stagnant. It's potentially going to be subject to harm from itself, but that doesn't come up until the end, and without feeling like the targets might also pose an immediate threat, there's also no escalating tension through the middle part. This might have benefitted from being even shorter.
What I would like is a little more tension. It's obvious right from the beginning that this butterfly has a conflicting nature to it, so after a couple paragraphs, I already get that. Nothing new ever happens with it, at least until it starts disregarding orders, but it leaves the middle of the story feeling stagnant. It's potentially going to be subject to harm from itself, but that doesn't come up until the end, and without feeling like the targets might also pose an immediate threat, there's also no escalating tension through the middle part. This might have benefitted from being even shorter.
Once again with >>Pascoite on the few typos. Maybe you should work on punctuation too, as there were a few misplaced commas. Also, the description of the party having the picnic is a bit muddled, because the use of the word ‘men’ can refer to almost everyone, so I’d a hard time figuring out who the butterfly was meant to spy on.
I agree we’re left on the fence here, because the butterfly you describe seems to be two things at once: a normal butterfly, subject to normal butterfly impulses and reflexes, and a sort of robot programmed to spoof on conversations. We don’t really know what to choose. Alternatively, we might be dealing with an AI ‘piggybacked’ over a vanilla butterfly, and taking control of it by whatever electronic means it is equipped with, such as a neural simulator.
This reminds me of a short story (which one?) I read long ago about a robotised fly used as a ‘bug’, as they say in secret services (which is also very much the case here).
You hang us out to dry here, because we don’t get know what the butterfly was supposed to spy on, nor who sent it. So we are confined to the role of spectators unable to discover the whos or whys, which makes the whole story more frustrating than anything else.
I agree we’re left on the fence here, because the butterfly you describe seems to be two things at once: a normal butterfly, subject to normal butterfly impulses and reflexes, and a sort of robot programmed to spoof on conversations. We don’t really know what to choose. Alternatively, we might be dealing with an AI ‘piggybacked’ over a vanilla butterfly, and taking control of it by whatever electronic means it is equipped with, such as a neural simulator.
This reminds me of a short story (which one?) I read long ago about a robotised fly used as a ‘bug’, as they say in secret services (which is also very much the case here).
You hang us out to dry here, because we don’t get know what the butterfly was supposed to spy on, nor who sent it. So we are confined to the role of spectators unable to discover the whos or whys, which makes the whole story more frustrating than anything else.