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Message in a Bottle · Original Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
Show rules for this event
Burr Oak Estates
It had been almost a full year since everyone disappeared. Three hundred and forty long days and just as many long nights. By some great miracle, the power continued to work in the small rural housing development. The air conditioners still cycled on and off at every empty home and in the colder months smoke from heating vents still billowed. It was eerie at first to the two sole remaining residents of Burr Oak Estates but those noises, coupled with the routine automatic turning on of the porch lights, grew to be comforting to them.
Jay Morning, a twenty something girl who before the event had been a fresh college drop-out with no real life plans, wandered down a street on the eastern part of the development- armed only with a flashlight, a clipboard, and radio for communications. The first few weeks was spent on high alert but as time went on they weren’t fearful of their surroundings anymore, there just wasn’t anything or anyone to be scared of here.
It was a usual early autumnal morning, the wind was chilly and the sun heavily obscured by clouds overhead. Mornings like this always reminded Jay of walking to the bus stop for school. She ticked off the house numbers on her sheet of paper, noting only that things seemed in order.
Jay almost walked past 405 Augusti Drive until she noticed the garage door of the one story home was open. She unclipped her radio and brought it to her mouth.
“Hey, Alder.”
Across the development sat Jay’s childhood best friend, her eyes on a monitor and feet perched up on a desk. She kept her flat expression as she picked up the radio, not taking her eyes from screen.
“Whatcha got.”
“I told you there was a house on one of the side streets we had missed. The garage is up, nothing has weathered away and it looks like everything in the garage is intact.”
“Is there another car?”
“Yeah. Might be able to find the keys if we poke around.”
“Alright, what’s the number.”
“405, Augusti.”
“‘Kay. Be there soon.”
Alder stood and put her radio into her pocket, sparing one last glance at the air traffic monitor- they never saw anything on it but were hopeful they one day would.

Alder and Jay had spent their time alone scavenging things from open houses, an unseen force kept them from breaking into the rest. They did the same with vehicles, all of which were parked neatly alongside the streets or in driveways as if nothing had ever happened. Keys could be found on kitchen counters, on the front seat of the cars themselves or even in the ignition. They had made note of all the drivable vehicles and moved them around occasionally, just to keep any decay from setting in. Not that anything seemed to show the signs of aging they should.

Jay brought herself back up off the pavement as Alder parked in the street, smiling slightly once she climbed out of the off blue car.
“You brought the Camero today huh.”
“It just felt like the appropriate thing. You know who used to live here?”
“Nah.”
“Dalton Summers! Remember him?”
“Hmm was he the one who used to ask me out at lunch in middle school.”
Alder gave a laugh of her own.
“Oh, yeah i forgot about that. Emily went with him to prom, his dad loaned him his real nice sports car and Dalton left with Emily’s best friend instead of her at the end of the night.”
“What a jerk.”
“Hm. I was kinda hoping the car would be here.” They walked together into the garage and Alder shook her head at the battered red mini van that sat in front of them. “If we got the keys it wouldn’t be too bad to have I guess. We could carry more in it.”
“Alright, moment of truth here. Let’s see if this opens.”
Jay touched the cool door knob and turned it with bated breath. The door unlocked and opened to a brightly lit kitchen connected to the living room.
“It feels like it’s been ages since we found somewhere new.”
“Sure does. I was half worried it wasn’t going to open after I called you all the way over here.”
Alder moved to the fridge and swung open the door, bending down to look inside.
“No worries either way. Who keeps cereal in the fridge?”
“They did apparently. Anything good?”
“No… I think it must’ve been before grocery day here.”
Jay picked a piece of paper from the counter and read it over.
“Spooky, there’s a list right here. Hmmh… how good does mashed potatoes with gravy sound right now? I mean like real mashed potatoes. Not instant.”
“Pretty nice... “ She opened up the freezer half next. It was completely empty save for a half frozen bottle of water and a gel eye mask. “Not even any peas. This isn’t looking to be a big hit.”
“Keep checking the cupboards, I’ll go round to the bedrooms and see what’s there.”
“I call dibs on any bear love soap if you find it.”
“Stop calling it that and it’s yours.”

Jay moved through the hall to the first of the three bedrooms, eyes glazing over the pictures on the walls. It was probably better not to think about who had lived there- She had never liked Dalton, he was a bully and a nuisance to her school days, but she couldn’t help but feel bad for him. Maybe they hadn’t been at home, maybe they were living in one of the small settlements in county seat. It was a 20 minute drive, entirely plausible they had left early to go eat breakfast. That would explain the lack of the other car.
The rooms were decorated in a manner that felt impersonal, like the page out of a catalogue. They weren’t anything special, if the Summers family had anything useful in their house it was well hidden. Dalton’s room was powder blue and the wall covered in posters of football players and swimsuit models. The only thing that really interested her was a laptop and a slew of rewritable disks scattered beside it. She was admittedly nosey, even if none of the things she found out ever really mattered. Her and Alder enjoyed the gossip of their former friends and tormentors. She gathered the things up in her arms and stuffed them into a branded backpack nearby, slinging it onto her back before leaving the room.
In the bathroom Jay took a beach tote bag and gathered some essentials; unopened toothbrushes and toothpaste, toilet paper, soap and what medication looked helpful at a glance. These were useful to them and also for trading with the rare passerbys.

Alder had gathered up some snack items and canned foods from the cabinets and a few DVDs and VHSs from the bulky entertainment center in the living room. She was thumbing through a home and gardening magazine when Jay came back out into the main area.
“Find some good stuff?”
“Yeah, laptop and some...bear love.”
“Yes! Awesome. I found your favorite marshmallow cookies and some interesting movies. Some home videos too, I think.”
“Neat…” Jay stood there for a second and looked around. “I get the feeling we should go now. We’ve disturbed this space too much.”
“I think so too. We can check the garage for keys but it might be a bust on that front.”
They gathered up their treasures and made for the door. A quick sweep of the garage turned up nothing, it wasn’t until Jay started to pull down the garage door did she notice a glint off in the grass. She retrieved a key, matching the make of the van, and brandished it to Alder who was already in the other car.
The van was full of air that felt still and heavy. Jay didn’t want to drive it the second she opened the driver’s side door but they couldn’t leave it at any rate. It would be wasteful to do so. The radio came on with a dry hum as she turned the key in the ignition and backed out slowly, the only other input was a cassette which she allowed to play after getting into the street. She didn’t recognize the song and couldn’t place the melody that came through the speakers but it was better than riding in silence.

The man that came in a large semi-truck once a month was late on his delivery the following morning. He acted as a messenger for them and the communities around them. Jay and Alder had pleaded for someone to join them in the housing development through his word, and every month they asked if anyone had taken them up on their offer yet. But no one ever would. It was too creepy, too quiet and scary. They had an airbase nearby to scavenge items from and usually were able to find enough nice things to trade and give away but even the promise of ample things and clean amenities they could not find anyone to make their lives a little less lonely. Jay’s other best friend, a quiet girl by the name of Ellie, wouldn’t come to stay with them either. She only sent notes through the truck driver.
He left them with a frozen chicken and a sealed bottle from Ellie.
“Dear Jay, I heard from some spotters that someone was driving down the highway the other night. I didn’t do any planting this summer but stuff is still mostly growing in the fields. I miss my dogs. Come by if you trust the weather and your cars to make it that far. I wish I wasn’t afraid to leave. I miss you too. Be careful of the nighttime rains. I don’t want what happened to Alan to happen to you too. Best, El.”
Jay shook the stray beads her friend had stuck in the bottle along with her note as she read it through again, holding it aside slightly for Alder to see too as she looked over her shoulder.
“Maybe we should kidnap her.”
“Yeah...Maybe. She keeps hoping someone will come back though…”
“Everyone is. That’s just how the world is now. Who knows how many of us there are isolated like this. I almost think we’d better off it had been zombies.”
“Hm… Let’s get back home. It’s almost dark.”



A routine check of the airbase led them to a outbuilding they had never been able to get into before. It was foggy and getting late but the lock had given way for some unknown reason, they were too curious to give it up and both feared not being able to get back in once the sun rose anew in the morning.
Jay took the helm and stepped inside the dark building first, Alder hanging back slightly to look at the sky again.
“Maybe we really should just tag it and go home.”
“Come on Al, you said it yourself. Things work so weird now the lock could be just a steady again in the morning as it has been every other time we’ve checked it.”
She swallowed hard.
“Okay. Just for a bit.”
They had their flashlights out and walked through a series of hallways and doors, each one was either empty or filled with yellowed filing cabinets. The air was sour, like vinegar, like that van they had found at Dalton’s. Rounding the corner, Jay yelped and dropped her flashlight.
“Are you-” Alder hurried to help her friend up but understood why she had been frightened.
There was a child standing in the hall, no older than 7 or 8.
“Hey kid--how did you get in here? Are you alright?” Jay tried to regain her composure, “I’m sorry if I scared you- truth be told you gave me a bit of a fright too,” she laughed weakly, “I hadn’t been expecting to see anyone here.”
“I’m Alder- this is Jay. Is there anyone else with you?”
He didn’t say anything. He just stood there, staring at them.
Without a word Jay and Alder both realized the child was too clean to have been trapped down in those metal lined archives, there was no way he could have survived. They each took steps back, grabbing each others hands out of fear and for reassurance.
They were afraid.
The orange lights went out above them and in an instant they were on the floor. Thick blue liquid poured from their chests- oozing through their fingers, cold and gooey. They decided silently together as they laid with life energy seeping from them that this is what had been responsible for the disappearance of all those people and animals.
The lights came back on to an empty room.

It had been almost a full year since everyone disappeared. More than three hundred long days and just as many long nights. By some great miracle, the power continued to work in the small rural housing development. The air conditioners still cycled on and off at every empty home and in the colder months smoke from heating vents still billowed. Houses sat devoid of life. If there had been any air traffic it would have gone unnoticed.
Rain fell that night on Burr Oak Estates and on the home of Ellie Wright. She missed her dogs, her boyfriend and her best friends. She took herself to the desk in front of her large television and took out a fresh piece of paper.
"Dear Jay. It's raining a lot again. I hope I can see you again soon. Be careful. Best, El."
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#1 ·
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Someone didn't read the style guide! Style guide.

Not that there's anything wrong with formatting a story like this (though the lack of line breaks should be offset by paragraph indents). Many paper-published books are this way. But if you're the only one who does paragraph breaks like this, it will ruin your anonymity for future contests. [Starlight Glimmer]Uniformity is key to anonymity.[/Glimmer]

Oh, hey, a Left Behind fanfic!

This could have used another editing pass for typos (like i not being capitalized, etc.). Author also needs to brush up on punctuation (when to use a comma vs. semicolon, etc.). These are minor issues, and should be easy enough to fix.

I have no idea what "bear love" is.

It seems like, with the disappearance of most of the population, most of the world is in stasis. The electricity stays on. Locked doors cannot be forced. Metal does not rust and rubber does not dry rot. Crops keep growing.

The orange lights went out above them and in an instant they were on the floor. Thick blue liquid poured from their chests- oozing through their fingers, cold and gooey. They decided silently together as they laid with life energy seeping from them that this is what had been responsible for the disappearance of all those people and animals.
The lights came back on to an empty room.


Uhhhh...

I'm mostly lost. *shrug*
#2 · 1
· · >>horizon
Hi, author! Thanks for joining us for an Original Fiction round. I've said before that OF is the Writeoffs on hard mode — many of us are used to putting out pony fanfic, where we can rely on readers knowing who all of our characters are (and why to care about them) and how the world works, and OF gives us all so much more to juggle. So the first thing I'd like to offer is: Don't let the critiques get to you. EVERY Writeoff story is a first draft — we've only got 72 hours! — and we know that this doesn't represent what you're capable of with more time and polish. Commenters are speaking up because they want to see the ways this can improve with that extra effort.

Due to the nature of criticism, a lot of what you hear here is going to be focusing on this story's weaknesses. Don't let that eclipse what you've accomplished — simply by sticking with this and submitting an entry, you've already finished the hardest part of writing, and you've already beat everyone who choked on their entry or gave up halfway. Regardless of how you feel about this, pat yourself on the back!

That said, as a reader I did feel that this could use some further work, and I'm going to try to offer some thoughts that could help refine it. Take everything I say with a grain of salt: I'm offering ideas that will make it a better story as I see it, and since you can't speak up about your intentions until the anonymity period is over, my goals for the story might be different from yours. That's why I try to go into a little more depth with my reviews and explain my reasoning — if I don't seem to be on your wavelength, my suggestions might not be right for your story.

That said…

The two things that I think could do this story the most good relative to the editing effort you put in are: 1) Answering the question "what is this story about?", and 2) putting some effort into connecting all the dots of your worldbuilding.

1) Subject.

Think about the original Star Wars trilogy (Episodes IV-VI). I can tell you what it's about in a sentence: Luke Skywalker becomes a Jedi and fights his father Darth Vader. It's got some subplots (it had better, that's six hours of movies!) but pretty much everything in the trilogy is pulling in that single, unified direction. Obi-Wan, Yoda, even Leia — it all comes back to that single question of Luke's family. It pulls a huge reveal in the third act with "I am your father", but once that reveal drops, you can look back at everything you've watched and it all clicks into place.

Here, while your third-act reveal (the child in the airbase) raises more questions than it answers, what I want to say is to look at it in the structure of the story as a whole. If this story is about what we learn in that reveal (why are the suburbs so empty?), then there's a whole lot of the story which doesn't connect to it at all — nowhere in the earlier portions are they even trying to investigate the source of the disappearances. If the story is about Jay and Alder trying to survive this postapocalyptic wasteland, then killing them abruptly over the span of four paragraphs with something that has never even been hinted at before is awfully unsatisfying and anticlimactic. If the story is about the tragedy of Ellie (as the last few paragraphs seem to be implying), then, uh, most of it isn't.

You have a lot of potential in all the setpieces you're building up. Ask yourself what the story you're trying to tell is. I'm more a pantser than a plotter, so I totally get that sometimes you just have to leap into your setting and see what falls out, but set yourself some goals when you sit down to edit — give yourself some landmarks to navigate your story by. If you want this to be about what they discover in the airbase, then you need to start building up tension and foreshadowing for that discovery right from the start.

2) Worldbuilding.

When you're inventing a setting, your absolute best friend is going to be the word "Why?"

This is because your readers are going to be asking it, too. If you anticipate their questions and have reasonable answers, they're going to love your setting. If you ignore those questions, it's going to knock readers out of their suspension of disbelief, and make your world seem odd and shallow.

You can get away with ridiculous physics, biology, etc., if you're willing to lampshade that ridiculousness to make it seem reasonable within the self-contained context of your setting. But when you ask "Why?" and come up short, your readers will too. And the single most critical part of that is not making your characters avoid actions any self-respecting reader would take. Characters HAVE to act like real people, and do things you would expect real people to do.

Case in point:

Alder and Jay had spent their time alone scavenging things from open houses, an unseen force kept them from breaking into the rest.


Why? What kind of force? This is a normal suburban neighborhood that's completely devoid of neighbors or cops, right? If they want to get into a "closed" house, what's preventing them from picking up a baseball bat and smashing the glass of someone's front window? (I'm perfectly happy to accept that something about the setting prevents it, but I want to see what happens/happened when they try!)

The man that came in a large semi-truck once a month was late on his delivery the following morning. He acted as a messenger for them and the communities around them. Jay and Alder had pleaded for someone to join them in the housing development through his word, and every month they asked if anyone had taken them up on their offer yet. But no one ever would. It was too creepy, too quiet and scary. They had an airbase nearby to scavenge items from and usually were able to find enough nice things to trade and give away but even the promise of ample things and clean amenities they could not find anyone to make their lives a little less lonely.


If their biggest problem is loneliness and they are in regular contact with truck drivers (and own fleets of working cars of their own!), why haven't they left?

If the neighborhood is so scary, why do they live there instead of bailing for safety in numbers?

For that matter, why does everyone else we hear about choose to continue living alone?

By some great miracle, the power continued to work in the small rural housing development.


One truism of science fiction writing is that readers will spot you a single break from reality as long as you're willing to justify the rest. Mysterious disappearances of 99% of the population is a pretty big break from reality, but I'm willing to roll with it and see what you do with it. But having accepted that suddenly everyone's gone … why does the infrastructure keep working?

What happens when a power transformer surges because none of the power plants are manned to keep the output steady, and starts an electrical fire? There's no utility workers to replace the lines and no fire department to stop the blaze.

This is a *really* odd premise. You could have a very rich idea for a story just having your characters investigate who is keeping the lights on. But right now it's just hanging as a giant question mark over the background, since somehow nobody seems to care why that's the case.

They decided silently together as they laid with life energy seeping from them that this is what had been responsible for the disappearance of all those people and animals.


Why weren't they spending the entire story struggling like heck to answer that question before now?

So, yeah. These are some pretty significant issues for my engagement with the story. Hopefully they should be straightforward to start addressing in a second pass, though.

Thanks for writing, and again, congratulations on getting the story assembled and submitted within a tight deadline in a tough original-fiction environment!

Tier: Keep Developing
#3 ·
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I share a lot of criticism with Horizon, but I’m willing to be laxer than him.

Specifically the points he mentions didn’t jar me too much. I willing to push the envelope further, like imagining they can’t live because remote inhabited areas are too far away and they don’t have enough gas to drive there, neither any means to filler up. One could reasonably think that electricity is produced at a remote power plant which is still operated by a few people — wind or solar power requires little maintenance. I can figure out that visiting an open house doesn’t feel like breaking into a closed one, so here also I find the attitude of the girls relatable.

Some details feel outdated. VHS. Cassette player. Rewritable disk.

The end is really odd, though. How come they spot an outbuilding they’d never seen before? What is this boy? A decoy? What oozes from their body? Are they androids? Aliens?

And the very end is more befuddling. They’ve been replaced? How and why?

The most likely explanation is that both girls are dolls in a sort of virtual reality game and the boy is the player. But yeah, it’s too obscure, so obscure that I can imagine most people being jolted off at this point.

So, I’d say apart from those points, good execution. Certainly better than what I can write myself (which admittedly is easy). Unfortunately, my slate is so filled up with top-notch stories that this one will inevitably fall down at the bottom of it, but that ranking is not indicative of its intrinsic quality!




Slate done. Time to write my post mortem apologies for the slop I wrote, yet another time.