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First Place
“Thanks fer waiting Twilight. Granny insisted on baking yah a pie for all your help with that Apple Bite Blight outbreak…”Applejack trailed off as she entered the living room and spotted Twilight. The purple princess was in the living room, examining a shelf full of knick-knacks and trophies.
“Applejack, have you seen some of these trophies?” Twilight demanded, sounding scandalized.
“Well, I reckon I must have, seeing as how I won them all.” Applejack wandered closer to see what had her friend so upset.
“Well, some of these are obviously fake, not to mention libelous! This one says ‘World’s Best Liar!’”
Twilight pointed a hoof at the offending trophy, and Applejack paled.
“Ah, yeah. There’s a funny story about that one…”
It was the same thing every year. Every year since she was a filly. At every family reunion they’d have the annual “Telling Tall Tales” competition. And every year her cousins would push and goad her into entering.
Each competitor had to spin a tall tale about something they’d done that year. And their stories were scored on two attributes: how ridiculously unbelievable the tale was, and how straight a face the pony telling it kept.
It was no easy feat to keep a straight face when your audience would good naturedly boo, catcall, and laugh at you ridiculous tale.
Every year Applejack entered. And every year she came in last.
Ever since she was a filly she could hardly tell a white lie without stuttering, stammering, and having her face go red. Everypony else thought it was cute and hilarious. Even as an adult, insisted she compete.
Well, this year would be different. This year she’d had enough of being a laughing stock. This year, if they wanted a real Tall Tale, she’d darned well give them one!
“Well now, I reckon you all know about Night Mare Moon returning to Equstria this summer, after a thousand years of banishment. What I bet you don’t know is that she came back right in my own home town of Ponyville.”
There were a few snickers and razzes from the audience at that unlikely turn of events, and Applejack gave them a moment to die down before continuing, a look of pure honesty on her face.
“Or that me and mah friends were the ones to beat her and free Princess Luna...”
Applejack just grinned and ignored the cheerful heckling and jeers, before continuing her tale…
Applejack blushed in embarrassment at the recollection.
“And there’s another one next to it that says the same thing, as well as “Two Years running!.”
Applejack was more confident in her storytelling this time. More certain of her craft. When she strode onto the stage, the audience hung on her every word. (Mostly so they wouldn’t miss a chance to boo, jeer, and laugh at her supposed antics.)
If they expected her to break character though, they were in for a disappointment. She’d tell her Tall Tale like it was the honest, unvarnished truth.
“Well now, let me tell yah all a tale about how me and mah friends met the mad god of chaos, Discord himself… And whupped his flank so hard we turned him right back into stone!”
“And there’s even a third trophy here!” Twilight’s wings fluttered angrily. “Though according to the date they seem to skip a year…” She muttered in puzzlement.
Focused as she was on the affront before her, she never noticed Applejack lowering her Stetson over her blushing face. That skipped year had been when she was I charge of the Apple Family Reunion. And had conveniently ‘forgot’ to include that particular event.
The following year however, she’d been a shoe in….
”By now I reckon you’ve all hard about Equestria’s newest Alicorn Princess.” The crowd nodded, and Applejack took a deep breath and smiled. “But did yah know she’s actually one of mah best friends?”
The laughter and jeers were loud and cheerful.
“…And that she earned her ascension by switchingme and mah friend’s Curie Marks?”
And boy did that ever have them booing and laughing in disbelief…
“Why, whoever made these should be ashamed of themselves! You’re the most honest pony in all of Equestria and…”
Applejack finally interrupted Twilight’s tirade with a hoof on her shoulder and an embarrassed smile.
“It’s okay Twilight. Ain’t no need to get upset about it” She assured. Then she grinned and shot the princess a wink.
“Just think of it as a little prank…”
“Applejack, have you seen some of these trophies?” Twilight demanded, sounding scandalized.
“Well, I reckon I must have, seeing as how I won them all.” Applejack wandered closer to see what had her friend so upset.
“Well, some of these are obviously fake, not to mention libelous! This one says ‘World’s Best Liar!’”
Twilight pointed a hoof at the offending trophy, and Applejack paled.
“Ah, yeah. There’s a funny story about that one…”
It was the same thing every year. Every year since she was a filly. At every family reunion they’d have the annual “Telling Tall Tales” competition. And every year her cousins would push and goad her into entering.
Each competitor had to spin a tall tale about something they’d done that year. And their stories were scored on two attributes: how ridiculously unbelievable the tale was, and how straight a face the pony telling it kept.
It was no easy feat to keep a straight face when your audience would good naturedly boo, catcall, and laugh at you ridiculous tale.
Every year Applejack entered. And every year she came in last.
Ever since she was a filly she could hardly tell a white lie without stuttering, stammering, and having her face go red. Everypony else thought it was cute and hilarious. Even as an adult, insisted she compete.
Well, this year would be different. This year she’d had enough of being a laughing stock. This year, if they wanted a real Tall Tale, she’d darned well give them one!
“Well now, I reckon you all know about Night Mare Moon returning to Equstria this summer, after a thousand years of banishment. What I bet you don’t know is that she came back right in my own home town of Ponyville.”
There were a few snickers and razzes from the audience at that unlikely turn of events, and Applejack gave them a moment to die down before continuing, a look of pure honesty on her face.
“Or that me and mah friends were the ones to beat her and free Princess Luna...”
Applejack just grinned and ignored the cheerful heckling and jeers, before continuing her tale…
Applejack blushed in embarrassment at the recollection.
“And there’s another one next to it that says the same thing, as well as “Two Years running!.”
Applejack was more confident in her storytelling this time. More certain of her craft. When she strode onto the stage, the audience hung on her every word. (Mostly so they wouldn’t miss a chance to boo, jeer, and laugh at her supposed antics.)
If they expected her to break character though, they were in for a disappointment. She’d tell her Tall Tale like it was the honest, unvarnished truth.
“Well now, let me tell yah all a tale about how me and mah friends met the mad god of chaos, Discord himself… And whupped his flank so hard we turned him right back into stone!”
“And there’s even a third trophy here!” Twilight’s wings fluttered angrily. “Though according to the date they seem to skip a year…” She muttered in puzzlement.
Focused as she was on the affront before her, she never noticed Applejack lowering her Stetson over her blushing face. That skipped year had been when she was I charge of the Apple Family Reunion. And had conveniently ‘forgot’ to include that particular event.
The following year however, she’d been a shoe in….
”By now I reckon you’ve all hard about Equestria’s newest Alicorn Princess.” The crowd nodded, and Applejack took a deep breath and smiled. “But did yah know she’s actually one of mah best friends?”
The laughter and jeers were loud and cheerful.
“…And that she earned her ascension by switchingme and mah friend’s Curie Marks?”
And boy did that ever have them booing and laughing in disbelief…
“Why, whoever made these should be ashamed of themselves! You’re the most honest pony in all of Equestria and…”
Applejack finally interrupted Twilight’s tirade with a hoof on her shoulder and an embarrassed smile.
“It’s okay Twilight. Ain’t no need to get upset about it” She assured. Then she grinned and shot the princess a wink.
“Just think of it as a little prank…”
What's a Curie Mark? Does it glow in the dark?
The story is okay until the end. I'm not sure how well it fits into the show, since despite a lot of ponies not acknowledging the presence of the princess is something we are used to.m, I have a hard time imagining Twilight never talking about her friends during a public speach. In fact, I'm pretty sure she would have more than mentioned them during her coronation.
So having the Apple Family not being aware of that (plus Twilight has met a lot of them during the very first episode) is something I can't really buy, unless they are reclused farmers, but the story doesn't say it.
Anyway, enough of cannon and headcannon. What I found the most jaring was the ending. The whole story made me smile, and I even chuckled a bit, but the ending is built like a payoff for a joke, but there is no joke. I'm left with the feeling of "And? Where is the rest?" which isn't smth you want in a minific.
Work on that ending and you'll have a little funny piece.
The story is okay until the end. I'm not sure how well it fits into the show, since despite a lot of ponies not acknowledging the presence of the princess is something we are used to.m, I have a hard time imagining Twilight never talking about her friends during a public speach. In fact, I'm pretty sure she would have more than mentioned them during her coronation.
So having the Apple Family not being aware of that (plus Twilight has met a lot of them during the very first episode) is something I can't really buy, unless they are reclused farmers, but the story doesn't say it.
Anyway, enough of cannon and headcannon. What I found the most jaring was the ending. The whole story made me smile, and I even chuckled a bit, but the ending is built like a payoff for a joke, but there is no joke. I'm left with the feeling of "And? Where is the rest?" which isn't smth you want in a minific.
Work on that ending and you'll have a little funny piece.
While the joke in this story is funny, again, there's really only one joke. I smiled in the beginning once I realized where this was going, and the thought of it was greatly amusing. But by the start of the third repetition, things had become a bit repetitive, and the feeling of joy had cooled. I think you need to either shorten this (strange as that sounds in a 750 word story), or add a bit more variation to each repetition.
The first part got a smile out of me, but it slowly faded as the rest of the story turned out to be nothing more than repetition. The punchline arrived with the first trophy, so every following one serves no purpose.
If the rest of the trophy stories were removed, I honestly don’t know how I could stretch the remainder out without resorting to repetition or just fluffing up sentences, so I don’t think it’s a problem of execution. The problem is the premise not being big enough for anything more than a couple paragraphs. This would almost be better served as a single scene in a different minific.
Basically: You did what you could with a weak premise, so I don’t think your skill as a writer is being showcased properly. With a broader scope (and a higher word limit), I doubt you would have any problems.
If the rest of the trophy stories were removed, I honestly don’t know how I could stretch the remainder out without resorting to repetition or just fluffing up sentences, so I don’t think it’s a problem of execution. The problem is the premise not being big enough for anything more than a couple paragraphs. This would almost be better served as a single scene in a different minific.
Basically: You did what you could with a weak premise, so I don’t think your skill as a writer is being showcased properly. With a broader scope (and a higher word limit), I doubt you would have any problems.
