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Walking on Eggshells
Rainbow Dash had really screwed up, this time.
She and Rarity had been dating for two years now. Sure, on paper, they were nothing alike, but that’s what made it work. Rarity was one heck of a mare, and she made Rainbow Dash feel like a million bits.
But unsurprisingly, they also had the occasional fight. They’d dig in on opposite sides and it’d be nuclear war for a week, but then they’d make up and have super hot— well, the precise details didn’t matter.
But this time, Rainbow knew that she had screwed up. It started with the dress fitting yesterday, preparation for a fancy party that Rarity had been looking forward to. It wasn’t like Rainbow minded fancy parties. Though she hated to admit it, they were actually fun, particularly with Rarity at her side.
But dresses? Eeeurgh.
They were just so… girly. She hated the way they made her look, the way they made her feel.
And so despite Rainbow’s best efforts, her totally-minimal fidgeting and occasional, reasonable complaints had driven Rarity to despair.
Which was Rarity’s fault, actually. That wasn’t the screw-up.
The screw-up was when Rarity had suggested a compromise: wearing her dress from that first Gala.
Rainbow had a lot of good memories from the Gala. In fact, it was the first time she had started to feel things about a certain seamstress. She had learned much later that was reciprocated.
But she had still never been comfortable in the dress. It was a dress! And when she accidentally let that slip… She had hurt Rarity. Deeply. In a way she wasn’t quite sure how to make up.
Nonetheless, she was certainly going to try. So the next morning, she went to the market bright and early to get Rarity’s favorite flowers. She would have to tread carefully, she knew.
She expected Rarity to still be furious. But when Rarity opened the door, she had a manic grin plastered on her face. Her hair was slightly askew in that way that was still elegant, but also a sign that she had spent all night working on something.
“Uh…” Rainbow stuck to the script. “I wanted to apologize.”
“Yes, yes, darling.” Rarity swept Rainbow into the room. The flowers were distractedly deposited in a vase. “I finished your outfit!”
Rainbow blanched. “Gee, thanks,” she said, trying to sound sincere. Suddenly, everything went black as Rarity draped a cloth over her eyes. “Hey, wait!”
“Shush. Let me get you dressed and then tell me what you think.”
A familiar sinking feeling settled into Rainbow’s stomach. Rarity lifted one of her legs, then the other. Cloth slipped around her, hugging her legs and chest tightly. “Are you sure this is right?”
“Mmhmm.”
In only a few moments that seemed way, way too long, the movement stopped. Rainbow’s ears twitched, but she held still.
“Perfect!” Rarity announced, and whipped the blindfold off.
Rainbow Dash stared.
She was wearing a charcoal-grey suit. She lifted one foreleg, then set it down again. She looked at a side mirror, seeing herself in profile, then front again. She looked great.
She turned towards Rarity, mouth opening and closing. She couldn’t find the words.
Rarity was staring back with a fragile smile. “You like it.”
“I love it! Ohmigosh! How did you—”
“A flash of inspiration.”
Rainbow posed, tilting her head to the side and adjusting her tie with one hoof.
“Wow. I look just like…” Rainbow trailed off.
“Like a suave, debonair stallion?” Rarity said.
Rainbow blushed. “Well, I mean… It’s just… I look really awesome.”
“You certainly do.”
Rainbow flexed, watching the way her body moved under the fabric. Were her shoulders always this broad? If it was padded, it looked totally natural.
“Life is funny,” Rarity murmured. “You let go of one dream, because life surprises you. But then it changes again. Maybe that’s okay, too.”
Rainbow looked at her, blinking. “Huh?”
Rarity shook her head, and then met Rainbow’s eyes. Her smile was genuine.
Rainbow grinned. With a flap of her wings, she flew forward, sweeping Rarity off her feet. “I think you have a few books with pictures like this on the front,” she whispered into Rarity’s ear.
Rarity’s eyes lit up with recognition. She flung one forehoof to her forehead for dramatic effect. “Oh, Mr. Dash!”
Rainbow’s heart leapt and she leaned in, relishing how the unicorn melted in her firm grasp.
…they ended up ripping the suit a little in everything that followed.
Rarity didn’t complain.
She and Rarity had been dating for two years now. Sure, on paper, they were nothing alike, but that’s what made it work. Rarity was one heck of a mare, and she made Rainbow Dash feel like a million bits.
But unsurprisingly, they also had the occasional fight. They’d dig in on opposite sides and it’d be nuclear war for a week, but then they’d make up and have super hot— well, the precise details didn’t matter.
But this time, Rainbow knew that she had screwed up. It started with the dress fitting yesterday, preparation for a fancy party that Rarity had been looking forward to. It wasn’t like Rainbow minded fancy parties. Though she hated to admit it, they were actually fun, particularly with Rarity at her side.
But dresses? Eeeurgh.
They were just so… girly. She hated the way they made her look, the way they made her feel.
And so despite Rainbow’s best efforts, her totally-minimal fidgeting and occasional, reasonable complaints had driven Rarity to despair.
Which was Rarity’s fault, actually. That wasn’t the screw-up.
The screw-up was when Rarity had suggested a compromise: wearing her dress from that first Gala.
Rainbow had a lot of good memories from the Gala. In fact, it was the first time she had started to feel things about a certain seamstress. She had learned much later that was reciprocated.
But she had still never been comfortable in the dress. It was a dress! And when she accidentally let that slip… She had hurt Rarity. Deeply. In a way she wasn’t quite sure how to make up.
Nonetheless, she was certainly going to try. So the next morning, she went to the market bright and early to get Rarity’s favorite flowers. She would have to tread carefully, she knew.
She expected Rarity to still be furious. But when Rarity opened the door, she had a manic grin plastered on her face. Her hair was slightly askew in that way that was still elegant, but also a sign that she had spent all night working on something.
“Uh…” Rainbow stuck to the script. “I wanted to apologize.”
“Yes, yes, darling.” Rarity swept Rainbow into the room. The flowers were distractedly deposited in a vase. “I finished your outfit!”
Rainbow blanched. “Gee, thanks,” she said, trying to sound sincere. Suddenly, everything went black as Rarity draped a cloth over her eyes. “Hey, wait!”
“Shush. Let me get you dressed and then tell me what you think.”
A familiar sinking feeling settled into Rainbow’s stomach. Rarity lifted one of her legs, then the other. Cloth slipped around her, hugging her legs and chest tightly. “Are you sure this is right?”
“Mmhmm.”
In only a few moments that seemed way, way too long, the movement stopped. Rainbow’s ears twitched, but she held still.
“Perfect!” Rarity announced, and whipped the blindfold off.
Rainbow Dash stared.
She was wearing a charcoal-grey suit. She lifted one foreleg, then set it down again. She looked at a side mirror, seeing herself in profile, then front again. She looked great.
She turned towards Rarity, mouth opening and closing. She couldn’t find the words.
Rarity was staring back with a fragile smile. “You like it.”
“I love it! Ohmigosh! How did you—”
“A flash of inspiration.”
Rainbow posed, tilting her head to the side and adjusting her tie with one hoof.
“Wow. I look just like…” Rainbow trailed off.
“Like a suave, debonair stallion?” Rarity said.
Rainbow blushed. “Well, I mean… It’s just… I look really awesome.”
“You certainly do.”
Rainbow flexed, watching the way her body moved under the fabric. Were her shoulders always this broad? If it was padded, it looked totally natural.
“Life is funny,” Rarity murmured. “You let go of one dream, because life surprises you. But then it changes again. Maybe that’s okay, too.”
Rainbow looked at her, blinking. “Huh?”
Rarity shook her head, and then met Rainbow’s eyes. Her smile was genuine.
Rainbow grinned. With a flap of her wings, she flew forward, sweeping Rarity off her feet. “I think you have a few books with pictures like this on the front,” she whispered into Rarity’s ear.
Rarity’s eyes lit up with recognition. She flung one forehoof to her forehead for dramatic effect. “Oh, Mr. Dash!”
Rainbow’s heart leapt and she leaned in, relishing how the unicorn melted in her firm grasp.
…they ended up ripping the suit a little in everything that followed.
Rarity didn’t complain.
I’ve heard of bodice rippers, but…
Alright, more seriously, this story has one major problem: this is a story told from Rainbow Dash’s perspective, but the perspective doesn’t sound like Rainbow Dash. This story would be better if it sounded much more Rainbow Dash like. There are bits of Rainbow Dash in here, but there’s a lot that isn’t. Rainbow Dash is not going to use words like “nonetheless” or “seamstress”, and the overall flow often doesn’t feel very Rainbow Dash-like.
The solution works well enough (even if I’ve seen it before – and it also often feels to me like this is actually more of an Applejack trait, given Applejack’s dislike of Fru Fru, whereas Rainbow Dash doesn’t seem to mind wearing dressish stuff (just bulky stuff), though I can see the same coming from Rainbow Dash), but I just sort of felt like the story was a bit tepid and rather generic, as I'm pretty sure I've literally seen this as a plot point several times before, and this didn't really feel like it either did anything new with it or knocked it out of the park.
Alright, more seriously, this story has one major problem: this is a story told from Rainbow Dash’s perspective, but the perspective doesn’t sound like Rainbow Dash. This story would be better if it sounded much more Rainbow Dash like. There are bits of Rainbow Dash in here, but there’s a lot that isn’t. Rainbow Dash is not going to use words like “nonetheless” or “seamstress”, and the overall flow often doesn’t feel very Rainbow Dash-like.
The solution works well enough (even if I’ve seen it before – and it also often feels to me like this is actually more of an Applejack trait, given Applejack’s dislike of Fru Fru, whereas Rainbow Dash doesn’t seem to mind wearing dressish stuff (just bulky stuff), though I can see the same coming from Rainbow Dash), but I just sort of felt like the story was a bit tepid and rather generic, as I'm pretty sure I've literally seen this as a plot point several times before, and this didn't really feel like it either did anything new with it or knocked it out of the park.
That's so meta; the author, just like Rainbow Dash, is walking on eggshells! RD because she screwed up, and the author because he's talking about pony sex! edgy/20!...
Jokes aside, this one didn't leave a good nor a bad impression. I don't really care about shipping when it's the core of a story. Thus, I was biaised before reading this, and the story didn't really make me change my mind.
See >>TitaniumDragon for RD's POV, I believe you can improve it this way.
Side note: I'm a bit surprised RD enjoying spa treatments wasn't mentionned.
Jokes aside, this one didn't leave a good nor a bad impression. I don't really care about shipping when it's the core of a story. Thus, I was biaised before reading this, and the story didn't really make me change my mind.
See >>TitaniumDragon for RD's POV, I believe you can improve it this way.
Side note: I'm a bit surprised RD enjoying spa treatments wasn't mentionned.
Genre: Bodice Ripper
Thoughts: Houston, we have a problem. I'm two stories deep and they're both TC material. Is it me, is it the overall field, or did I just get lucky and strike early gold?
I guess I shouldn't worry about it; I can remember one recent Writeoff where I didn't pick any TCs and my rankings ended up as a big melee of Strongs and Almost Theres. Anyway, this is another case where the ship doesn't do much for me but the execution is strong enough to make the whole thing really enjoyable regardless. Great setup, effective ending sting... I'm not even sure what to criticize.
I especially liked the bit with, "Life is funny... You let go of one dream, because life surprises you. But then it changes again. Maybe that’s okay, too." That's truth, man.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Houston, we have a problem. I'm two stories deep and they're both TC material. Is it me, is it the overall field, or did I just get lucky and strike early gold?
I guess I shouldn't worry about it; I can remember one recent Writeoff where I didn't pick any TCs and my rankings ended up as a big melee of Strongs and Almost Theres. Anyway, this is another case where the ship doesn't do much for me but the execution is strong enough to make the whole thing really enjoyable regardless. Great setup, effective ending sting... I'm not even sure what to criticize.
I especially liked the bit with, "Life is funny... You let go of one dream, because life surprises you. But then it changes again. Maybe that’s okay, too." That's truth, man.
Tier: Top Contender
Hmmmmmm. The writing here is good. This is not a beginner, and yet it makes several beginner mistakes. First off, you devote the entire first half of the story to exposition. That's not a good way to get the reader engaged with your characters or events. I'm reading a history lesson, and I don't have any particular reason to care about it. Then we get to the romance, and it doesn't really give me the background for that, either.
In a minific, you certainly don't have the space to build that much of a relationship from the ground up. It's a tricky business trying to do good shipping in 750 words, but it can be done. So at least you skip all the usual "getting to know you" stuff and try diving into when they have a more established relationship. This is also a completely viable way to handle shipping. There doesn't have to be a process of discovery, and indeed, in this word count, avoiding that will save you plenty of words. But you still do have to show me they're in love. What is it that they like about each other? What does each see about the other that makes them seem like good relationship material? It's all about give and take. For a relationship to work, they need to see each other as equals, more or less.
So aside from the standard "Rainbow had liked her ever since X event," I don't know why Dash likes her. We do see some gestures, like Rarity going out of her way to make clothes that suit (heh) Dash well, but then she does that for all her friends. We get Dash making a nice gesture of buying flowers and even getting up early to do so. But through all that, there aren't the kind of personal details that these two in particular belong together. Like I said about Rarity making clothes for any of her friends--show me that this specific case is somehow different from all those, and that she'd only go to these lengths for Dash. And beyond a physical attraction, I have no idea why Dash considers Rarity a good match for her.
And a side note of that suit: I'd like a little more description of it. It became more obvious when you said it was masculine, but that still doesn't clear up the ambiguity. At first, I was envisioning something like a Wonderbolts suit, and I didn't know you meant something closer to a business suit. Mentioning a few elements of it would take care of that.
So in the end, this is just kind of shipping that the reader has to accept, not because the story justifies it, and with quite a bit of dry exposition on the front end. The writing talent is there. I think this will turn out to be a good, experienced writer who just didn't care to flesh it out that much or one of those who is on the hump of taking the next step up in their writing.
And I'll agree with >>TitaniumDragon and >>Fenton that the voice sounds a bit off for Dash.
In a minific, you certainly don't have the space to build that much of a relationship from the ground up. It's a tricky business trying to do good shipping in 750 words, but it can be done. So at least you skip all the usual "getting to know you" stuff and try diving into when they have a more established relationship. This is also a completely viable way to handle shipping. There doesn't have to be a process of discovery, and indeed, in this word count, avoiding that will save you plenty of words. But you still do have to show me they're in love. What is it that they like about each other? What does each see about the other that makes them seem like good relationship material? It's all about give and take. For a relationship to work, they need to see each other as equals, more or less.
So aside from the standard "Rainbow had liked her ever since X event," I don't know why Dash likes her. We do see some gestures, like Rarity going out of her way to make clothes that suit (heh) Dash well, but then she does that for all her friends. We get Dash making a nice gesture of buying flowers and even getting up early to do so. But through all that, there aren't the kind of personal details that these two in particular belong together. Like I said about Rarity making clothes for any of her friends--show me that this specific case is somehow different from all those, and that she'd only go to these lengths for Dash. And beyond a physical attraction, I have no idea why Dash considers Rarity a good match for her.
And a side note of that suit: I'd like a little more description of it. It became more obvious when you said it was masculine, but that still doesn't clear up the ambiguity. At first, I was envisioning something like a Wonderbolts suit, and I didn't know you meant something closer to a business suit. Mentioning a few elements of it would take care of that.
So in the end, this is just kind of shipping that the reader has to accept, not because the story justifies it, and with quite a bit of dry exposition on the front end. The writing talent is there. I think this will turn out to be a good, experienced writer who just didn't care to flesh it out that much or one of those who is on the hump of taking the next step up in their writing.
And I'll agree with >>TitaniumDragon and >>Fenton that the voice sounds a bit off for Dash.
Yeah yeah, Dash is a tomboy, we get it. Sorry, that sounds overly harsh. It's just this has been the obvious trope since season one, so you're on an uphill battle here. That said, Rarity realizing Dash needs a suit and not a dress is a great moment of character growth for Rarity. But that leads to the obvious question: why isn't this story about Rarity? From Dash's PoV things "just happen" and it's all wonderful at the end. That's a weak story. Rarity, meanwhile, had to have come to this realization somehow. This story should be about that journey, not Dash's mere "Heh, guess I'm off the hook" non-eventful day. So, kudos for the concept, but reframe it and show us how and why Rarity grows, and it'll be much stronger.
I basically wrote this to ask the question: what if Rainbow Dash was a boy?
Maybe I’ll write more at some point in a format that allows me to explore the idea with enough space. It’s my own fault... in writing I realized that I’d need about 2500 words to actually do it. And I didn’t have that, but I submitted what I could cram into 750 regardless. Most people saw this as shipping, which makes sense, but that element was meant to be part of the setting. Which is why it’s just established in narration rather than built to. Thanks for reading, anyways!
Maybe I’ll write more at some point in a format that allows me to explore the idea with enough space. It’s my own fault... in writing I realized that I’d need about 2500 words to actually do it. And I didn’t have that, but I submitted what I could cram into 750 regardless. Most people saw this as shipping, which makes sense, but that element was meant to be part of the setting. Which is why it’s just established in narration rather than built to. Thanks for reading, anyways!
>>sharpspark
I'm really surprised that this didn't make finals. I thought this was well-done, and I put it at the top of my slate. Not that one vote guarantees anything, but dang.
I'm really surprised that this didn't make finals. I thought this was well-done, and I put it at the top of my slate. Not that one vote guarantees anything, but dang.