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Biomedical engineer by training. Scientist by mentality. Writer and gamer by time spent. Nerd by choice.
>>Bachiavellian
>>Pascoite
One thing worth considering is to compress the time frame here; you have her know her for quite a while - months - which makes us feel like there needs to be more development there in terms of her personality, as well as making it feel like more of a stretch that she doesn't know that the person is married.
But Tempest is not really used to dealing with normal people emotions and being a normal person; if it was just knowing her for a few days, and getting totally caught up in the idea of like, actually liking someone for the first time, I don't know if you need to include a huge amount of depth for the attraction. People are sometimes attracted to other people just because they're friendly and pretty and nice to them; that sort of superficial attraction is common, and is especially likely for someone who is more inexperienced. So if she only sort of knew Willowbark for a shorter period of time and had built up this big thing for her in her head, that would be entirely believable to me, and would also explain how she doesn't know that Willow is married as she doesn't actually know Willow that well yet. It would allow you to preserve your "magic trick" of making us feel bad for Tempest and having the rug yanked out from underneath her, while reducing the fridge logic.
>>Pascoite
One thing worth considering is to compress the time frame here; you have her know her for quite a while - months - which makes us feel like there needs to be more development there in terms of her personality, as well as making it feel like more of a stretch that she doesn't know that the person is married.
But Tempest is not really used to dealing with normal people emotions and being a normal person; if it was just knowing her for a few days, and getting totally caught up in the idea of like, actually liking someone for the first time, I don't know if you need to include a huge amount of depth for the attraction. People are sometimes attracted to other people just because they're friendly and pretty and nice to them; that sort of superficial attraction is common, and is especially likely for someone who is more inexperienced. So if she only sort of knew Willowbark for a shorter period of time and had built up this big thing for her in her head, that would be entirely believable to me, and would also explain how she doesn't know that Willow is married as she doesn't actually know Willow that well yet. It would allow you to preserve your "magic trick" of making us feel bad for Tempest and having the rug yanked out from underneath her, while reducing the fridge logic.
Thanks to everyone who commented on this! I have not really written anything in a while, so I was kind of determined to get something done this round. I had the idea of a lonely immortal of a doomed civilization somehow interacting with the Equestrian princesses and seeing the contrast between the niceness of the ponies and the awfulness of his own civilization, while his own words create a bit of disquiet amongst them because he seems to see them as being super good without recognizing that their civilization has its flaws as well. But I could not figure out how to fit it in 750 words at all.
So instead I decided to take a totally different tack and write some poetry.
It's definitely rough in a few spots, and a number of you commented on that. I did not really have enough time to properly polish it at all, as I only switched tacks in the last few hours of the writing time, and it shows. For that, I apologize.
>>Foehn
>>Baal Bunny
>>Pascoite
>>Samey90
So to clarify what I was going for - it was indeed supposed to be three survivors of three different apocalypses, each of whom survived and started sending messages out into space (nuclear war, a terrible plague (that might have been engineered), and autonomous war robots destroying everyone). They had detected each other's messages some time ago (the meeting of the minds) - and were basically looking out for other civilizations that might be out there, and finally found Equestria, a world that actually looks like it might be inhabited, so are sending a message to it to let them know that others are out there.
The alternating columns were meant to indicate the three different speakers, each of which explained the disaster which destroyed their world in their first stanza, then talked about their loneliness and reaching out to the stars in the second.
A signal seen/a signal sent/a meeting of the minds was intended to indicate a transition, as they were all separate to start out with, and then finally detected each others' signals and began communicating with each other (and mulling over the destruction of their civilizations). Thus, the poem becomes much more intermixed at that point, as the three are now talking about when they were communicating, and thus, the lines were intermixed in one stanza, rather than spread out between speakers who were all alone.
The rest is about them looking for other minds, and thus, giving some context to their message - they're lonely, and want to speak to others.
Seeing how you guys were puzzled by some of these conceits, I think I need to work on making what is going on in the poem a lot clearer - several of you expressed confusion over what was going on with the three speakers, and that is pretty crucial to understanding the poem and the thrust of the message (it was indeed a joint message, or meant to represent such), so clearly I failed to do a good enough job with that.
As far as the inhabitants of the world of Equestria almost destroying the world - there was Discord, and Tirek, and Nightmare Moon/Luna herself, all of which were potentially civilization-destroying disasters.
So instead I decided to take a totally different tack and write some poetry.
It's definitely rough in a few spots, and a number of you commented on that. I did not really have enough time to properly polish it at all, as I only switched tacks in the last few hours of the writing time, and it shows. For that, I apologize.
>>Foehn
>>Baal Bunny
>>Pascoite
>>Samey90
So to clarify what I was going for - it was indeed supposed to be three survivors of three different apocalypses, each of whom survived and started sending messages out into space (nuclear war, a terrible plague (that might have been engineered), and autonomous war robots destroying everyone). They had detected each other's messages some time ago (the meeting of the minds) - and were basically looking out for other civilizations that might be out there, and finally found Equestria, a world that actually looks like it might be inhabited, so are sending a message to it to let them know that others are out there.
The alternating columns were meant to indicate the three different speakers, each of which explained the disaster which destroyed their world in their first stanza, then talked about their loneliness and reaching out to the stars in the second.
A signal seen/a signal sent/a meeting of the minds was intended to indicate a transition, as they were all separate to start out with, and then finally detected each others' signals and began communicating with each other (and mulling over the destruction of their civilizations). Thus, the poem becomes much more intermixed at that point, as the three are now talking about when they were communicating, and thus, the lines were intermixed in one stanza, rather than spread out between speakers who were all alone.
The rest is about them looking for other minds, and thus, giving some context to their message - they're lonely, and want to speak to others.
Seeing how you guys were puzzled by some of these conceits, I think I need to work on making what is going on in the poem a lot clearer - several of you expressed confusion over what was going on with the three speakers, and that is pretty crucial to understanding the poem and the thrust of the message (it was indeed a joint message, or meant to represent such), so clearly I failed to do a good enough job with that.
As far as the inhabitants of the world of Equestria almost destroying the world - there was Discord, and Tirek, and Nightmare Moon/Luna herself, all of which were potentially civilization-destroying disasters.
>>Samey90
Chrysalis is starving because she can't make it work:
She tried to become a rainbow moose, but she can't actually do it, hence why she still has holes in her legs and is fading back to black.
Chrysalis is starving because she can't make it work:
Again the changeling snorted, lifting her leg and showing the holes in it; up close, Maud could see the color fading into black here and there, like some ichor was seeping up from beneath the changeling’s skin and corroding her cheery exterior. “This is what happened the last time I tried that.” An angry tear rolled down her cheek. “They all made this work.”
She tried to become a rainbow moose, but she can't actually do it, hence why she still has holes in her legs and is fading back to black.
I got a smile out of this, and ponies playing Risk is an amusing idea, but it is hard for me to really be thrilled by it; it was cute and was a decent enough read but it won't really stick with me and there wasn't anything here that was especially memorable.
Cute. Sombra caught in his own trap, but in reverse - rather than showing him his greatest fear, it instead showed him what his finest moment might be, a moment of pure, unbridled joy and happiness, rather than soul-crushing despair.
While I do like this idea, it also feels like it is lacking any sort of greater context, without which, it is more or less a thing that happened. And while it was an interesting thing, and an interesting idea, I'm not sure why it should matter to me.
While I do like this idea, it also feels like it is lacking any sort of greater context, without which, it is more or less a thing that happened. And while it was an interesting thing, and an interesting idea, I'm not sure why it should matter to me.
This feels kind of rough in some places, but I have to say I like the thrust of it. The poem in particular both suffers from some syllabic issues (it feels a bit uneven at times) and perhaps some dubious rhymes (yes, you *can* rhyme words with radio, but Ian Malcolm might say something about that if he was a poet and not a mathematician). Of course, maybe that's just because it's Twilight's translation. :P
But on the other hand, I liked the transitions here between the various parts - we have the first three stanzas, then we get three stanzas that reflect each other, then we get this bit where they all chip in for a line for a few stanzas, and then finally some doublets. It kept the poem feeling fresh, rather than stagnant, which is a problem for 200+ word long poems in my experience trying (and failing) to write them.
The discussion at the end was a neat idea - the ponies being the only ones who aren't alone, and Twilight bringing friendship to them - but I'm not sure if the implications were adequately covered, though on the other hand, you definitely don't want to belabor the point - the poem isn't that long, and you don't want the discussion to stretch on interminably.
I'm a sucker for this kind of thing, so I have to say I enjoyed it on the whole, and I think with some polish, it could shine brighter than it does.
But on the other hand, I liked the transitions here between the various parts - we have the first three stanzas, then we get three stanzas that reflect each other, then we get this bit where they all chip in for a line for a few stanzas, and then finally some doublets. It kept the poem feeling fresh, rather than stagnant, which is a problem for 200+ word long poems in my experience trying (and failing) to write them.
The discussion at the end was a neat idea - the ponies being the only ones who aren't alone, and Twilight bringing friendship to them - but I'm not sure if the implications were adequately covered, though on the other hand, you definitely don't want to belabor the point - the poem isn't that long, and you don't want the discussion to stretch on interminably.
I'm a sucker for this kind of thing, so I have to say I enjoyed it on the whole, and I think with some polish, it could shine brighter than it does.
Writing crackfics is something I've never really explored, so at times I feel like I'm at a loss for giving advice on them when one doesn't land for me. This is no real exception; while the idea that Pinkie Pie has writers who come up with lines for her because she can't be on point all the time is silly, it just didn't really land for me, and while the punchline was a thing, I didn't even give a sensible chuckle (though I might have mentally smirked just the tiniest bit).
This is set out in the far future, but it still feels bizarre. I think there's some sort of micro black hole zipping around Equus, and Luna and Celestia seem to be going kind of crazy...
The whole thing just feels disconnected from reality. Maybe that's the point, really - they're immortal, and they're all kind of going a bit mad, perhaps with loneliness, as everyone else seems to have left them, and Discord isn't really helping, either. They appear to have all gone a bit amoral, and while the events seem to somewhat shock them back to reality, it also doesn't seem like it matters at all to Discord, really.
This seems like it is one of those Blue and Orange Morality things, and while I do appreciate that at times, it just failed to connect with me in any significant way.
The whole thing just feels disconnected from reality. Maybe that's the point, really - they're immortal, and they're all kind of going a bit mad, perhaps with loneliness, as everyone else seems to have left them, and Discord isn't really helping, either. They appear to have all gone a bit amoral, and while the events seem to somewhat shock them back to reality, it also doesn't seem like it matters at all to Discord, really.
This seems like it is one of those Blue and Orange Morality things, and while I do appreciate that at times, it just failed to connect with me in any significant way.
This seems like it should be titled "Afterward" rather than "Afterword".
Anyway, that aside...
Hmmm.
I have to say, I like stories about Applejack dealing with stuff; she's an interesting character in that regard, and her family focus works in interesting ways.
I'm not sure if she'd really be willing to let Apple Bloom come back and "look after her" (more or less), though; while Applejack is certainly a pony who would feel loneliness acutely, I also feel like she'd be downright ornery about somepony taking pity on her for it, especially if it might mess them up (as Applejack does not like imposing on other ponies).
I do like the life goes on loneliness vibe I got here, though.
Anyway, that aside...
Hmmm.
I have to say, I like stories about Applejack dealing with stuff; she's an interesting character in that regard, and her family focus works in interesting ways.
I'm not sure if she'd really be willing to let Apple Bloom come back and "look after her" (more or less), though; while Applejack is certainly a pony who would feel loneliness acutely, I also feel like she'd be downright ornery about somepony taking pity on her for it, especially if it might mess them up (as Applejack does not like imposing on other ponies).
I do like the life goes on loneliness vibe I got here, though.
I'm with >>Samey90 ; while the idea of Twilight creating time clones of herself to do a ton of things at once, it doesn't really seem to add much to the story. Is the point to show that, despite Twilight seeming to be personal about it, what is going on is actually deeply impersonal? Because that seems to be what is going on here; despite Twilight trying to put on the "personal" touch, this is a very impersonal way to response, what with the time clones and the "I'm asexual" thing and the list of predetermined names from some database.
It is all meant to be helpful, but it is terribly impersonal, but it doesn't really feel like it is called out at all.
It is all meant to be helpful, but it is terribly impersonal, but it doesn't really feel like it is called out at all.
>>horizon said exactly what I was thinking here.
At first, I was expecting the bird to be a phoenix. A bird that lives forever seems like a natural companion to an immortal creature, which is part of why Philomena is the perfect pet for Celestia.
The fact that it died, however, points against that, which makes me wonder - why a bird? What's the point here? Heck, Twilight already *has* a pet bird.
This story seems too nebulous to me; it feels like it has some sort of message, but whatever it is is garbled to the point where I don't recognize it. Is Applejack old, or just being creaky because it's early in the morning? The text doesn't tell me.
There's all these things in here that seem like they should be pointing towards some greater whole, but I don't know what it *is*.
At first, I was expecting the bird to be a phoenix. A bird that lives forever seems like a natural companion to an immortal creature, which is part of why Philomena is the perfect pet for Celestia.
The fact that it died, however, points against that, which makes me wonder - why a bird? What's the point here? Heck, Twilight already *has* a pet bird.
This story seems too nebulous to me; it feels like it has some sort of message, but whatever it is is garbled to the point where I don't recognize it. Is Applejack old, or just being creaky because it's early in the morning? The text doesn't tell me.
There's all these things in here that seem like they should be pointing towards some greater whole, but I don't know what it *is*.
Well, the title of this is certainly appropriate considering the subject matter. Obviously, it didn't end up ruining poor Gold Leaf's career.
While the others reacted to this very strongly, my reaction was honestly pretty muted - it is an idea I've seen before, and while it was overall competent, and I liked the descriptions in the first half, particularly the priceless teacup and overexpensive towel, I was not left feeling a whole lot by the end. Celestia's characterization was on point, but there wasn't much novelty here.
While the others reacted to this very strongly, my reaction was honestly pretty muted - it is an idea I've seen before, and while it was overall competent, and I liked the descriptions in the first half, particularly the priceless teacup and overexpensive towel, I was not left feeling a whole lot by the end. Celestia's characterization was on point, but there wasn't much novelty here.
Why Twist?
Really, this doesn't really seem to relate to anything. It's an attempt at gritty noir, but it feels kind of pointless in context here. This is one of those things where there's a tragedy, but I was never given a reason to care about the person it happened to. For me to care about someone being down and out, I need to be given some sort of reason for it.
Really, this doesn't really seem to relate to anything. It's an attempt at gritty noir, but it feels kind of pointless in context here. This is one of those things where there's a tragedy, but I was never given a reason to care about the person it happened to. For me to care about someone being down and out, I need to be given some sort of reason for it.
A literal crackfic, eh?
I'm not sure that this really scored with me. Celestia descending into alcoholism, chain smoking, and cocaine just feels bizarre, and it doesn't really seem to have much of a point.
While the idea of putting Sunset Shimmer in there is a thing, I'm not sure that you really accomplished what you were trying to do with it.
I'm not sure that this really scored with me. Celestia descending into alcoholism, chain smoking, and cocaine just feels bizarre, and it doesn't really seem to have much of a point.
While the idea of putting Sunset Shimmer in there is a thing, I'm not sure that you really accomplished what you were trying to do with it.
I'm with everyone else here - while there is a thing (character destruction comedy) where characters' traits are taken to an extreme extent, this just felt rather arbitrary on the whole - not just with Coco's personality, but the stuff in general. While hyperbole and exaggeration can be funny, here, it ended up coming off kind of flat, in part because it was all so extreme; variation in extremity can help some parts stick out relative to others.
Well, this is topical.
This is a nice little vignette, giving us a slice of life - a kid looking out at where their house used to be, imagining her former imaginary kingdom, now reduced to little more than ash and ruin.
I thought this was okay, and I liked the imagery and message, but I have to admit, it didn't quite touch me emotionally.
This is a nice little vignette, giving us a slice of life - a kid looking out at where their house used to be, imagining her former imaginary kingdom, now reduced to little more than ash and ruin.
I thought this was okay, and I liked the imagery and message, but I have to admit, it didn't quite touch me emotionally.
The second paragraph of this made me laugh out loud, so well done there.
This story made me smile, and I feel like it managed to avoid being too glurgy. However, at the same time, it still felt WAFFy. And while warm and fuzzy feelings aren't a bad thing - in fact, they're one of the reasons why this show is so wholesome - at the same time, this story didn't feel like it ended up actually having much in the way of emotional punch - it isn't the sort of thing that ultimately will linger with the audience, and leave them with lingering feelings of warmth, but instead sort of brings out a bit of sweetness but it is fleeting because there's nothing to walk away with. Spike loves his friends, but it isn't something that feels like it endures in the heart the way a really good story of this type does.
This story made me smile, and I feel like it managed to avoid being too glurgy. However, at the same time, it still felt WAFFy. And while warm and fuzzy feelings aren't a bad thing - in fact, they're one of the reasons why this show is so wholesome - at the same time, this story didn't feel like it ended up actually having much in the way of emotional punch - it isn't the sort of thing that ultimately will linger with the audience, and leave them with lingering feelings of warmth, but instead sort of brings out a bit of sweetness but it is fleeting because there's nothing to walk away with. Spike loves his friends, but it isn't something that feels like it endures in the heart the way a really good story of this type does.
I absolutely loved the descriptions here; they were vivid, and this presentation of Tartarus is really perfect.
Unfortunately, while it had a lot to say about Celestia, it had very little to say about the actual "story" here; Celestia fails in her little quest and leaves, but nothing really happened.
As such, the story lacks any sort of really meaningful arc. It just kind of ends.
I love the imagery and prose here, I really do. But I can't love the story, because there isn't much there. Celestia is who she is, Tirek is petty and evil and likes hurting people, and nothing changed.
Unfortunately, while it had a lot to say about Celestia, it had very little to say about the actual "story" here; Celestia fails in her little quest and leaves, but nothing really happened.
As such, the story lacks any sort of really meaningful arc. It just kind of ends.
I love the imagery and prose here, I really do. But I can't love the story, because there isn't much there. Celestia is who she is, Tirek is petty and evil and likes hurting people, and nothing changed.
Obscuring the characters' names here is kind of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it allowed the twist at the end to come through, but on the other, it robbed the characters of their voices - Spike and DRAGON LORD TORCH both have very distinctive voices, and you did a great job of capturing them, but they only snapped into place for me when it got down to the point where Torch dismissed Spike becaus he's basically a pony.
This was simple, but I actually did like it pretty well. And I thought that the idea - of Spike's final victory over dragon culture - was cute.
But at the same time, I'm not sure that the Lord-of-Old's point of view came across very strongly. It felt a bit unfair in that way, though, let's face it, Torch has always had a bit of a soft spot over his heart. Good thing there aren't any talking thrushes around.
This was simple, but I actually did like it pretty well. And I thought that the idea - of Spike's final victory over dragon culture - was cute.
But at the same time, I'm not sure that the Lord-of-Old's point of view came across very strongly. It felt a bit unfair in that way, though, let's face it, Torch has always had a bit of a soft spot over his heart. Good thing there aren't any talking thrushes around.
I liked this. Chrysalis is hurting, and not just because she's starving, but because she's unable to do what everyone else is able to do so effortlessly. She had an idea about how the world worked, and it was broken - and as we see from this story, it isn't just that she never tried, but that she tried and failed.
This is an interesting presentation of her as a woobieish character, which is doubly interesting because of the implication that maybe she really is rotten, which is why it doesn't work for her. And while I'm not sure if I buy the idea that she would have tried previously, if you are going to present her as a character we should feel sorry for, this is a good execution, so this qualm is probably mostly just my interepretation of the character.
Also, using the stoic, unemotional Maud as the character that Chrysalis has to use for emotional support here is a clever idea.
This is an interesting presentation of her as a woobieish character, which is doubly interesting because of the implication that maybe she really is rotten, which is why it doesn't work for her. And while I'm not sure if I buy the idea that she would have tried previously, if you are going to present her as a character we should feel sorry for, this is a good execution, so this qualm is probably mostly just my interepretation of the character.
Also, using the stoic, unemotional Maud as the character that Chrysalis has to use for emotional support here is a clever idea.
Oof.
This was sweet, and it did everything just right to punch the audience in the gut, down to the name change in the crucial moment, and then the reversion back.
Well done in telling a full story in 750 words; a lot of entries don't manage that, but this manages a full arc.
At the end, I felt bad for her, and the final few lines were exactly what it needed to be.
I also have to say I liked the way you read the prompt, as that was a fun way to use it.
This was sweet, and it did everything just right to punch the audience in the gut, down to the name change in the crucial moment, and then the reversion back.
Well done in telling a full story in 750 words; a lot of entries don't manage that, but this manages a full arc.
At the end, I felt bad for her, and the final few lines were exactly what it needed to be.
I also have to say I liked the way you read the prompt, as that was a fun way to use it.
This is a nice little holiday vignette, and not about the usual not!Christmas, either.
It's pretty light, but there's some nice implications there, and I caught on pretty early that this was set after the fall of the Crystal Empire, which lent the whole thing a bit of extra weight.
Celestia's appearance at the end was nice, and while this all feels a little bit like a bit of fluff, it is the sort of holiday story that I can appreciate for what it is, and I liked the positive spin on the prompt.
It's pretty light, but there's some nice implications there, and I caught on pretty early that this was set after the fall of the Crystal Empire, which lent the whole thing a bit of extra weight.
Celestia's appearance at the end was nice, and while this all feels a little bit like a bit of fluff, it is the sort of holiday story that I can appreciate for what it is, and I liked the positive spin on the prompt.
I am with Baal Bunny, in that I thought this was going to be a question about what dreams were made from, rather than what she dreamed of.
I did like this, though; this is a nice, short little piece, and lovely in both its symbolism and ominousness. Luna's own arrogance shines through here, and I'm left curious about what Flurry Heart is and what her dream truly means - is it really a portent of the future, or is it one of those "prophecies" that are steeped in symbolism rather than being literal?
In any case, I liked it.
I did like this, though; this is a nice, short little piece, and lovely in both its symbolism and ominousness. Luna's own arrogance shines through here, and I'm left curious about what Flurry Heart is and what her dream truly means - is it really a portent of the future, or is it one of those "prophecies" that are steeped in symbolism rather than being literal?
In any case, I liked it.
You were too clever here by half.
I think I've figured out what actually happened, but the problem is, I'm pretty sure this is going to bounce off 99% of the audience.
So much as I love changeling fics (which after reading it twice, was made "clear" only by the title), I think you put in too many layers, to the point where critical parts were lost.
What I *think* happened:
1) The changelings burned down a building, either containing a bunch of ponies that the changelings were copying, or records that would reveal that the changelings were infiltrators and not real ponies/had taken the place of other ponies.
2) Said building contained the "Basis" for a number of changelings - this is either the ponies the changelings are copying, but it could also be that the changelings are clones of various lines, and all the other clones died. It could be that the fire was done deliberately to try and spirit away a bunch of ponies without anyone noticing, for whatever nefarious purpose the changelings have, but it isn't clear.
3) The sole surviving changeling of a particular batch was posing as a royal guard, and was sent in to rescue ponies or something by Princess Celestia.
4) The nurse is also a changeling, and is extracting the "Basis" from the fake royal guard, as well as killing him, and then is going to either die or "die" herself.
So while I do love stories that try to tell their stories slantways, this story I think tells it so slantways that even after I read it several times, I'm still not entirely sure what happened, and I only figured out important chunks on rereading it.
And while that isn't the end of the world in a very short story like this - it is okay for a very short story to have layers like this - I think you didn't put in enough clues to even have it tell a complete story. I feel like I'm lacking context to the imporatance of this scene - how does it relate to anything else? - as well as not even being entirely certain of what *did* happen.
I think I've figured out what actually happened, but the problem is, I'm pretty sure this is going to bounce off 99% of the audience.
So much as I love changeling fics (which after reading it twice, was made "clear" only by the title), I think you put in too many layers, to the point where critical parts were lost.
What I *think* happened:
1) The changelings burned down a building, either containing a bunch of ponies that the changelings were copying, or records that would reveal that the changelings were infiltrators and not real ponies/had taken the place of other ponies.
2) Said building contained the "Basis" for a number of changelings - this is either the ponies the changelings are copying, but it could also be that the changelings are clones of various lines, and all the other clones died. It could be that the fire was done deliberately to try and spirit away a bunch of ponies without anyone noticing, for whatever nefarious purpose the changelings have, but it isn't clear.
3) The sole surviving changeling of a particular batch was posing as a royal guard, and was sent in to rescue ponies or something by Princess Celestia.
4) The nurse is also a changeling, and is extracting the "Basis" from the fake royal guard, as well as killing him, and then is going to either die or "die" herself.
So while I do love stories that try to tell their stories slantways, this story I think tells it so slantways that even after I read it several times, I'm still not entirely sure what happened, and I only figured out important chunks on rereading it.
And while that isn't the end of the world in a very short story like this - it is okay for a very short story to have layers like this - I think you didn't put in enough clues to even have it tell a complete story. I feel like I'm lacking context to the imporatance of this scene - how does it relate to anything else? - as well as not even being entirely certain of what *did* happen.
Paging WIP