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>>Pascoite
OK, chum. Just a friendly word of advice, chum: don't ever accuse other people of dishonesty, regardless of how weak you think their argument is. The kindest thing to be said about that accusation, especially to someone you don't know, is that it's extremely uncharitable behaviour on your part. I am not some internet troll out to annoy you.
"This is a false argument, and you know it." No, I don't "know" it. Shockingly enough, you don't have psychic powers. And I stand by what I said: Changing canonical rules is not what every fanfiction automatically does, and even if they did, there are such things as greater and lesser degrees of divergence. But you want to add on convenient rules, do whatever you like.
Just don't you dare accuse me of being dishonest when I was only trying to help. That's a shitty attitude to have, and I don't appreciate it in the slightest.
OK, chum. Just a friendly word of advice, chum: don't ever accuse other people of dishonesty, regardless of how weak you think their argument is. The kindest thing to be said about that accusation, especially to someone you don't know, is that it's extremely uncharitable behaviour on your part. I am not some internet troll out to annoy you.
"This is a false argument, and you know it." No, I don't "know" it. Shockingly enough, you don't have psychic powers. And I stand by what I said: Changing canonical rules is not what every fanfiction automatically does, and even if they did, there are such things as greater and lesser degrees of divergence. But you want to add on convenient rules, do whatever you like.
Just don't you dare accuse me of being dishonest when I was only trying to help. That's a shitty attitude to have, and I don't appreciate it in the slightest.
>>Pascoite
"it's not a far cry from being deliberate to inadvertent" Well, if you insist, but accidentally fusing dreams with only a hazy reason as to why was basically my criticism in the first place. Besides, you can't accuse your critics of not adhering to canon one minute, and then admit to deviating from canon the next.
As for the colour: That's a false dichotomy. For starters, fandom perception and accuracy are not automatically mutually exclusive. "FEFDE7", according to Vinyl's page on mlp.fandom.com, is "yellowish white". Emphasis on the noun "white" being dominant. Fandom perception would actually be more accurate here. And remember you're introducing us to Vinyl description-first, before we've even pinned down who we're talking about, so it might be in your favour to nod towards a more familiar understanding.
In any case, accuracy would be replacing "ponies" with "significantly anthropomorphized fictional analogues of Equus caballus". That doesn't mean it won't look weird if you put that in a fic. You are writing for a fandom perception when you're writing for a fan audience. At the very least, that's a factor to keep in mind.
"it's not a far cry from being deliberate to inadvertent" Well, if you insist, but accidentally fusing dreams with only a hazy reason as to why was basically my criticism in the first place. Besides, you can't accuse your critics of not adhering to canon one minute, and then admit to deviating from canon the next.
As for the colour: That's a false dichotomy. For starters, fandom perception and accuracy are not automatically mutually exclusive. "FEFDE7", according to Vinyl's page on mlp.fandom.com, is "yellowish white". Emphasis on the noun "white" being dominant. Fandom perception would actually be more accurate here. And remember you're introducing us to Vinyl description-first, before we've even pinned down who we're talking about, so it might be in your favour to nod towards a more familiar understanding.
In any case, accuracy would be replacing "ponies" with "significantly anthropomorphized fictional analogues of Equus caballus". That doesn't mean it won't look weird if you put that in a fic. You are writing for a fandom perception when you're writing for a fan audience. At the very least, that's a factor to keep in mind.
>>Pascoite
Firstly, if you describe someone as yellow, however pale, most people are going to imagine something closer to a Lemon Hearts or a Fluttershy than to a Vinyl Scratch because that, shockingly enough, is what "yellow" usually means. Especially when introduced description-first. "Off-white" at least might have been less confusing.
Secondly, the only unambiguous time I recall a shared dream being used was in "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?" where it was specifically a conscious and deliberate intervention of Luna's, not something that just happened.
Firstly, if you describe someone as yellow, however pale, most people are going to imagine something closer to a Lemon Hearts or a Fluttershy than to a Vinyl Scratch because that, shockingly enough, is what "yellow" usually means. Especially when introduced description-first. "Off-white" at least might have been less confusing.
Secondly, the only unambiguous time I recall a shared dream being used was in "Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?" where it was specifically a conscious and deliberate intervention of Luna's, not something that just happened.
Easily my favourite of the three. The design of the crescent scythe's handle as a Cloudsdale-like piece of moulded wispy cumulus is brilliant, the kind of idea that makes me go "Why didn't I think of that?" You inspire your inspiration.
I do have to echo Anon Y Mous up there and say that some of the armour does look a tad off. The rear shoes stand out in this respect, but her left forehoof looks closer to a glove than to a gauntlet, and the shoulder spikes would work more if there were stronger signs she was leaning to her right more. Proportions like that don't stand out at a distance, but it might be worth being more ruthless about them close-up, or when laying down the outline.
I'm also uncertain as to a couple of flourishes, like why her eyes are concealed and she has yak-tacular glowing horns on either side of her head (I did wonder if they were meant to be eyes, but if so, they seem too far apart for that). Or why her mane is so big, love that rising tide of colour though I do. Overall, the piece is still strong and dramatic, but I'm puzzled by some of these embellishments, which might just be stylistic, but I'm not sure enough to rule out minor mistakes or misjudgements in layout or something. Or maybe I just keep comparing it to a more conventional depiction of Luna and haven't really grasped the benefits of the alternatives. I'm not really that artistically sophisticated, so if there's, for instance, a deeper symbolism involved, I'm stumped.
The swirly lines I don't get, either. Best guess is that they're meant to represent magical transfer from Luna to scythe. That holds from her horn to her crescent, fair enough, but then I see the lines from hooves to handle and I'm beat.
I really do like this one, though. I don't want to come across as too critical. As it is, this is a dramatic scene captured with original elements and an eye for serenity. Whatever my complaints about its wonky layout, the winter-themed armour is an inspired touch, and if I can't say why the swirly lines and Luna's face are the way they are, they're at least depicted reasonably well as-is. I even like the little touches, such as the glow at the base of Luna's curving horn and the almost bloodlike symbol on her chest. Nicely done!
I do have to echo Anon Y Mous up there and say that some of the armour does look a tad off. The rear shoes stand out in this respect, but her left forehoof looks closer to a glove than to a gauntlet, and the shoulder spikes would work more if there were stronger signs she was leaning to her right more. Proportions like that don't stand out at a distance, but it might be worth being more ruthless about them close-up, or when laying down the outline.
I'm also uncertain as to a couple of flourishes, like why her eyes are concealed and she has yak-tacular glowing horns on either side of her head (I did wonder if they were meant to be eyes, but if so, they seem too far apart for that). Or why her mane is so big, love that rising tide of colour though I do. Overall, the piece is still strong and dramatic, but I'm puzzled by some of these embellishments, which might just be stylistic, but I'm not sure enough to rule out minor mistakes or misjudgements in layout or something. Or maybe I just keep comparing it to a more conventional depiction of Luna and haven't really grasped the benefits of the alternatives. I'm not really that artistically sophisticated, so if there's, for instance, a deeper symbolism involved, I'm stumped.
The swirly lines I don't get, either. Best guess is that they're meant to represent magical transfer from Luna to scythe. That holds from her horn to her crescent, fair enough, but then I see the lines from hooves to handle and I'm beat.
I really do like this one, though. I don't want to come across as too critical. As it is, this is a dramatic scene captured with original elements and an eye for serenity. Whatever my complaints about its wonky layout, the winter-themed armour is an inspired touch, and if I can't say why the swirly lines and Luna's face are the way they are, they're at least depicted reasonably well as-is. I even like the little touches, such as the glow at the base of Luna's curving horn and the almost bloodlike symbol on her chest. Nicely done!
So conceptually clever to have the scythe made up as a constellation. On idea alone, this one earns the middle spot on my slate with ease.
I think the remaining elements are fine and even beautiful in their own way, but compared with the ambition of Goodnight Moon, this one does feel a little underwhelming. Part of it is probably because of Bachi's point that there's a conspicuous empty area. Simple designs can be arresting on their own, but I think that relies on the execution of things such as angles and lighting and complementarity.
For instance, the scythe head being so low down on the right does mean it looks at first like just some wavy lines leading to the moon, thus harder to recognise as a scythe straight away. Also, the highly visible dark side of the moon sort of impairs one's ability to see the blade clearly distinguished. It needed to be darker. Lastly, the Milky Way behind it looks good on its own, but doesn't complement the scythe in any way that feels like it justifies its presence. It's distracting in its own right. Perhaps if it didn't cut through the scythe or was much dimmer, it would help rather than hinder the overall impact of the picture. It doesn't help that the constellation's lines are so faint as to be drowned out by it from a distance.
I should admit at this point that my credentials for art criticism are lower than my credentials for fic crit, which in turn weren't very high to begin with. At the very least, I hope I've isolated those elements useful for improving the art, or for considering next time.
And because I'm vain as hell, thanks for picking my fic as inspiration!
I think the remaining elements are fine and even beautiful in their own way, but compared with the ambition of Goodnight Moon, this one does feel a little underwhelming. Part of it is probably because of Bachi's point that there's a conspicuous empty area. Simple designs can be arresting on their own, but I think that relies on the execution of things such as angles and lighting and complementarity.
For instance, the scythe head being so low down on the right does mean it looks at first like just some wavy lines leading to the moon, thus harder to recognise as a scythe straight away. Also, the highly visible dark side of the moon sort of impairs one's ability to see the blade clearly distinguished. It needed to be darker. Lastly, the Milky Way behind it looks good on its own, but doesn't complement the scythe in any way that feels like it justifies its presence. It's distracting in its own right. Perhaps if it didn't cut through the scythe or was much dimmer, it would help rather than hinder the overall impact of the picture. It doesn't help that the constellation's lines are so faint as to be drowned out by it from a distance.
I should admit at this point that my credentials for art criticism are lower than my credentials for fic crit, which in turn weren't very high to begin with. At the very least, I hope I've isolated those elements useful for improving the art, or for considering next time.
And because I'm vain as hell, thanks for picking my fic as inspiration!
I got nothing to add to this one. It's a poke-fun picture. Amusing, but not a technical triumph beyond that.
So true, though.
So true, though.
>>PinoyPony
>>Miller Minus
>>BaeroRemedy
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anonymous Potato
>>Pascoite
Ah well. I had come back with the hope that I'd improved and trained up my writing skills in the interrim, and had acquired the right mindset needed to participate. Clearly not, if this is the result.
Still, what is, is. I have taken many of these criticisms and used them to revise the story for FIMFiction.net. So for that useful information, for those of you who left it, I say thank you for commenting. Constructive criticism is always what I want and need to seek out in order to improve.
And congratulations to the medal winners. Overall, I was very satisfied with all the stories I read this round. Well done!
>>Miller Minus
>>BaeroRemedy
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anonymous Potato
>>Pascoite
Ah well. I had come back with the hope that I'd improved and trained up my writing skills in the interrim, and had acquired the right mindset needed to participate. Clearly not, if this is the result.
Still, what is, is. I have taken many of these criticisms and used them to revise the story for FIMFiction.net. So for that useful information, for those of you who left it, I say thank you for commenting. Constructive criticism is always what I want and need to seek out in order to improve.
And congratulations to the medal winners. Overall, I was very satisfied with all the stories I read this round. Well done!
>>PinoyPony
All right! We've both done the whole gallery AND guaranteed two comments for each story. High five, fellow completionist! n_n
All right! We've both done the whole gallery AND guaranteed two comments for each story. High five, fellow completionist! n_n
>>Pascoite
Too right. I don't fancy my chances against Anonymous. That guy makes Tolkien look like a complete hack.
Too right. I don't fancy my chances against Anonymous. That guy makes Tolkien look like a complete hack.
As well as the usual disclaimer I've been making ad nauseum, I have to make a disclaimer of a different kind here: I stopped watching the show after Season Seven, so my knowledge of the school students (et cetera, et cetera) is limited at best. I went ahead and read this, though, out of fairness and for the sake of completeness. That means you're getting the views of someone who will miss certain references and dramatic ironies, and who'll be taking this fic at face value. Hopefully, it's a useful additional POV for you.
As usual, bad stuff first: Might need a tiny itty-bitty little more polish here and there. Can't really think of anything beyond the occasional typo.
Maybe the plot was a little directionless in places. At least, until the ending when the overarching theme clicked into place and I realized everything did have a point, plus you get some leeway with a more slice-of-life style story re: firm direction. It only really occurred to me during the third quarter that, as much as I was learning about Gallus and his society, personal circumstances, and worldview, I didn't really know where this was going beyond the vague "animal spirit" throughline. I'm going to be generous and chalk this up to me not being fully on the right wavelength, but I thought I'd mention it, just in case.
Really, I was very impressed with this one. Such a lovely contrast between the naively curious Gallus and the cynical, prickly indifference of those around him. The running conceit of his warmth as a spirit animal was intriguing imagery, pleasant and (I'm guessing) significantly symbolic in some way. But if I've missed some deeper meaning here, I'm at least convinced by the surface level that the animal imagery does mean something important, related to his childlike innocence and, well, happiness in "spirit".
In any case, Gallus as a failing optimist who succumbs to the unpleasant worldview that surrounds him is a highly endearing character, mostly because he IS trying to make sense of his emotions, work out who to tell, and do stuff to that end. Add in my personal animal-loving bias, and he grew on me very quickly and very strongly.
Aside from him, Ginny and Grandpa Gruff made for a good supporting cast. Neither too stereotypical nor too outlandish in their antagonism, that ironically made the corrosion of Gallus' mind all the more tragic. Life just sucks around him, and this is how it is. That kind of brutal honesty in depiction works wonders to sell the predicament because it feels more realistic than, say, a cartoonier depiction of selfish grumpiness would have. Hits closer to home too.
The style was great. Metaphors like the arrows Gruff fires at Gallus give the piece some good artistic flourishes. The pacing is comfortable and lets us take in as we go the details of Gallus' day activities. I was thoroughly engaged.
An easy high-tier for me, if not my favourite of the bunch. I can't really offer much in the way of constructive criticism, and the only major thing - the kind of meandering purposelessness of the series of events - is probably more my own problem. It's not even particularly major. (You also get bonus creativity points for not using Luna or Scootaloo in any way whatsoever.) Good work, author, and good luck in the judging!
As usual, bad stuff first: Might need a tiny itty-bitty little more polish here and there. Can't really think of anything beyond the occasional typo.
Maybe the plot was a little directionless in places. At least, until the ending when the overarching theme clicked into place and I realized everything did have a point, plus you get some leeway with a more slice-of-life style story re: firm direction. It only really occurred to me during the third quarter that, as much as I was learning about Gallus and his society, personal circumstances, and worldview, I didn't really know where this was going beyond the vague "animal spirit" throughline. I'm going to be generous and chalk this up to me not being fully on the right wavelength, but I thought I'd mention it, just in case.
Really, I was very impressed with this one. Such a lovely contrast between the naively curious Gallus and the cynical, prickly indifference of those around him. The running conceit of his warmth as a spirit animal was intriguing imagery, pleasant and (I'm guessing) significantly symbolic in some way. But if I've missed some deeper meaning here, I'm at least convinced by the surface level that the animal imagery does mean something important, related to his childlike innocence and, well, happiness in "spirit".
In any case, Gallus as a failing optimist who succumbs to the unpleasant worldview that surrounds him is a highly endearing character, mostly because he IS trying to make sense of his emotions, work out who to tell, and do stuff to that end. Add in my personal animal-loving bias, and he grew on me very quickly and very strongly.
Aside from him, Ginny and Grandpa Gruff made for a good supporting cast. Neither too stereotypical nor too outlandish in their antagonism, that ironically made the corrosion of Gallus' mind all the more tragic. Life just sucks around him, and this is how it is. That kind of brutal honesty in depiction works wonders to sell the predicament because it feels more realistic than, say, a cartoonier depiction of selfish grumpiness would have. Hits closer to home too.
The style was great. Metaphors like the arrows Gruff fires at Gallus give the piece some good artistic flourishes. The pacing is comfortable and lets us take in as we go the details of Gallus' day activities. I was thoroughly engaged.
An easy high-tier for me, if not my favourite of the bunch. I can't really offer much in the way of constructive criticism, and the only major thing - the kind of meandering purposelessness of the series of events - is probably more my own problem. It's not even particularly major. (You also get bonus creativity points for not using Luna or Scootaloo in any way whatsoever.) Good work, author, and good luck in the judging!
My biggest problem with this fic is simple: from the moment Scootaloo is left alone with Rainbow Dash, everything plays out exactly as you'd expect it to. Scootaloo has insecurities around flying and talents, especially compared with Rainbow Dash, and Rainbow and she bond and do something nice together. Scootaloo even gets a flight with her! And most of it is presented as an easygoing casual chat between them with no major obstacles they don't surmount by talking it out.
I haven't done a tally or anything, but at least in broad strokes, this feels like the vast majority of Scootalove fics ever written. Barring a few minor garnishes and embellishments, there's not much deviation from the template, and the reason that's a problem is because it doesn't make the fic stand out in any interesting or personal way. Compare this, say, with Illusion and Dream and The Scootaloo Switcheroo. At heart, both are about Scootaloo's insecurities and touch upon her relationship with Rainbow Dash, but the former has a surreal dream element throughout and a different thematic focus on fantasy escapism, and the latter has Scootaloo's ambivalence causing a winter-themed apocalyptic disaster while Rainbow has to confront Scootaloo's mistakes and wrongdoing tactfully. To put it bluntly, they do something different with their core premise. They combine it with more unlikely or uncommon elements to give it a new spin, which affects the style and direction of their respective stories.
I think as a first response, that's what you really need to do here. Give a familiar story a shake-up. Scootaloo figuring out from Luna's enigmatic hints that she needs to moderate her escapist tendencies, that's different. Scootaloo doing a deal-with-the-devil that she regrets the frozen fallout of, that's different too. Scootaloo getting bullied and Rainbow cheering her up isn't really different enough, even with a few interesting embellishments on the periphery.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't any little twists and turns here and there, just that they're too little to shake my feeling of "been there, done that": Scootaloo shows a little more sarcasm and sass than expected, and Rainbow's complete inability to even remember her name fits well with the kind of undeveloped personality she had back in Season One. Best part was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon changing their behaviour the instant Rainbow told them to shut up, if only because those two interacting directly with Rainbow Dash was something strongly different and fresh that isn't done very often.
Emphasize, capitalize, or logically develop those odder elements more, and I think you might be well on your way to improving this story greatly. On the plus side, there's nothing offensive or wrong about the story either (apart from an unironic use of "Buck" for a slang profanity, but that's my pet peeve, so I'll disqualify it as a petty consideration), and there are worse things than a story being just okay or meh. Occasional error notwithstanding, the prose seemed fine enough. And if only as a cookie-cutter kind of niceness, the story is at least nice in tone. It's not like it made me regret reading it. Strictly speaking, though, I think it could be a lot better, especially as a competitor that needs to stand out and do its own thing.
I don't know if this is helpful to you as a review, and I don't want to be discouraging at all. Just honest and pragmatic. From my point of view, this is a fundamental issue to tackle. I would strongly recommend that "add a twist to an old idea" point for future consideration.
I haven't done a tally or anything, but at least in broad strokes, this feels like the vast majority of Scootalove fics ever written. Barring a few minor garnishes and embellishments, there's not much deviation from the template, and the reason that's a problem is because it doesn't make the fic stand out in any interesting or personal way. Compare this, say, with Illusion and Dream and The Scootaloo Switcheroo. At heart, both are about Scootaloo's insecurities and touch upon her relationship with Rainbow Dash, but the former has a surreal dream element throughout and a different thematic focus on fantasy escapism, and the latter has Scootaloo's ambivalence causing a winter-themed apocalyptic disaster while Rainbow has to confront Scootaloo's mistakes and wrongdoing tactfully. To put it bluntly, they do something different with their core premise. They combine it with more unlikely or uncommon elements to give it a new spin, which affects the style and direction of their respective stories.
I think as a first response, that's what you really need to do here. Give a familiar story a shake-up. Scootaloo figuring out from Luna's enigmatic hints that she needs to moderate her escapist tendencies, that's different. Scootaloo doing a deal-with-the-devil that she regrets the frozen fallout of, that's different too. Scootaloo getting bullied and Rainbow cheering her up isn't really different enough, even with a few interesting embellishments on the periphery.
Now, I'm not saying there aren't any little twists and turns here and there, just that they're too little to shake my feeling of "been there, done that": Scootaloo shows a little more sarcasm and sass than expected, and Rainbow's complete inability to even remember her name fits well with the kind of undeveloped personality she had back in Season One. Best part was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon changing their behaviour the instant Rainbow told them to shut up, if only because those two interacting directly with Rainbow Dash was something strongly different and fresh that isn't done very often.
Emphasize, capitalize, or logically develop those odder elements more, and I think you might be well on your way to improving this story greatly. On the plus side, there's nothing offensive or wrong about the story either (apart from an unironic use of "Buck" for a slang profanity, but that's my pet peeve, so I'll disqualify it as a petty consideration), and there are worse things than a story being just okay or meh. Occasional error notwithstanding, the prose seemed fine enough. And if only as a cookie-cutter kind of niceness, the story is at least nice in tone. It's not like it made me regret reading it. Strictly speaking, though, I think it could be a lot better, especially as a competitor that needs to stand out and do its own thing.
I don't know if this is helpful to you as a review, and I don't want to be discouraging at all. Just honest and pragmatic. From my point of view, this is a fundamental issue to tackle. I would strongly recommend that "add a twist to an old idea" point for future consideration.
Bad stuff first, as usual: The mechanics of the shared dream are a bit too fuzzy-wuzzy for my tastes, especially when even that is called into question by Luna's "real in the ways that matter" line. Although I think I get why you did it, and it does help with the ethereal nature of the blending between reality and dreams, some kind of explanation would have put it on my good side. The vague blurring between two filly's dreams doesn't sit well with the clearer divides between ponies' dreams used in the show, and at least an explanation along the lines of "their mutual relationship was so strong that..." would've fit in with Vinyl's increasing concern. I appreciate ambiguity can help with setting an uncertain, even eerie tone, but it does come at the cost of stronger worldbuilding foundations. If nothing else, maybe this is a point to consider in future?
Usually, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to subtlety and symbolism, though I really appreciated the picture symbolism at the end being used to encourage Octavia. But the prose is another matter, and I will admit I tripped up a couple of times here. The second scene, for instance, focuses more on Luna's reflections of her visits, but then suddenly the first dialogue starts up, and the rest of the scene is specifically about one particular visit. The transition is jarring, to say the least. On its own, not a huge problem, but with a story this vague and piece-by-piece, it doesn't smooth out the experience much. I think a stricter, tighter prose style or viewpoint, which was more focused per scene, would help solve that problem. For instance, devote one scene to Luna's reminiscence over the years, THEN cut to another scene BUT make clear this is about one particular dream she visited. Then scene plays out as before. Problem solved.
Another instance of unhelpful prose was the occasional way dialogue was handled. There was one point when three dialogue paragraphs were all Vinyl's, but the middle one was unmarked, and when Vinyl was specifically mentioned in the fourth one, it briefly tricked me into thinking Luna had spoken previously. Maybe you can appreciate it if I show it to you:
- Vinyl clambered out from under the bed and as before leaned over the mattress. “Hey. Would you play something for me? You did once. I really liked it.”
- Only that infernal arguing and radio answered.
- “Please? Nothing’s more important to me than music, so I’m not just trying to act interested. I don’t want you to lose that.”
- The bed shook slightly, and Vinyl let out a sigh, ducked her head down again. “I don’t know why I’m bothering. This is all in my head, right?”
I dunno. Seemed kind of clumsy here, and there were a couple other times where clearer dialogue markers would have made things less confusing and irritating than they should've been. Credit where it's due, though, the use of Luna's diction and Vinyl's outspoken attitude usually helped settle that.
Also, Luna's Royal Canterlot dialect seems inconsistent. A notable omission is the Royal We rather than "I". I'm nitpicking, though.
Also also, since when was Vinyl yellow, pale or otherwise? Perhaps I'm not experienced enough with hues, but that tripped me up, and not in a good way. I had to stop and go back, because it seemed like such a bizarre error.
But yeah, I'm really nitpicking. Honestly, I like this one a lot.
This fic I found rewarding to read. Early on, when Octavia was revealed to be the weeping foal, I paused and thought "Wait a moment, how can Luna possibly be here? She'd be Nightmare Moon's face in the sky at this point." And then the evil influence takes over, breaking Octavia. Without a single explicit word of confirmation, it was made clear. Well, I found the whole fic to be like that, neither talking down to the audience nor feeling like an unfair challenge. I say kudos, author. That's how implication-based storytelling should be done.
Also, I appreciated the slow reveal of the domestic dynamic Octavia finds herself in, and the dialogue between Vinyl and Luna, especially when Luna's bystander tendencies were challenged, kept me going, eager to see how this would develop. Vinyl herself is a particularly endearing character, whereas Luna's inner conflict was a nice dark touch with a hint of dramatic irony and even some tragedy in how her crueller tendencies caused the emotional breakdown she's ruefully watching. It's also a pretty grim but not hopeless backstory for the two foals' future musical talents, simple yet sweet. That ending is a good capper, and is as far as I'm concerned probably the most solid (or least problematic) ending of the writeoff thus far. No major complaints here.
Ultimately, my favourite read of the bunch. Well done, author, and hope you do well in the results.
Usually, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to subtlety and symbolism, though I really appreciated the picture symbolism at the end being used to encourage Octavia. But the prose is another matter, and I will admit I tripped up a couple of times here. The second scene, for instance, focuses more on Luna's reflections of her visits, but then suddenly the first dialogue starts up, and the rest of the scene is specifically about one particular visit. The transition is jarring, to say the least. On its own, not a huge problem, but with a story this vague and piece-by-piece, it doesn't smooth out the experience much. I think a stricter, tighter prose style or viewpoint, which was more focused per scene, would help solve that problem. For instance, devote one scene to Luna's reminiscence over the years, THEN cut to another scene BUT make clear this is about one particular dream she visited. Then scene plays out as before. Problem solved.
Another instance of unhelpful prose was the occasional way dialogue was handled. There was one point when three dialogue paragraphs were all Vinyl's, but the middle one was unmarked, and when Vinyl was specifically mentioned in the fourth one, it briefly tricked me into thinking Luna had spoken previously. Maybe you can appreciate it if I show it to you:
- Vinyl clambered out from under the bed and as before leaned over the mattress. “Hey. Would you play something for me? You did once. I really liked it.”
- Only that infernal arguing and radio answered.
- “Please? Nothing’s more important to me than music, so I’m not just trying to act interested. I don’t want you to lose that.”
- The bed shook slightly, and Vinyl let out a sigh, ducked her head down again. “I don’t know why I’m bothering. This is all in my head, right?”
I dunno. Seemed kind of clumsy here, and there were a couple other times where clearer dialogue markers would have made things less confusing and irritating than they should've been. Credit where it's due, though, the use of Luna's diction and Vinyl's outspoken attitude usually helped settle that.
Also, Luna's Royal Canterlot dialect seems inconsistent. A notable omission is the Royal We rather than "I". I'm nitpicking, though.
Also also, since when was Vinyl yellow, pale or otherwise? Perhaps I'm not experienced enough with hues, but that tripped me up, and not in a good way. I had to stop and go back, because it seemed like such a bizarre error.
But yeah, I'm really nitpicking. Honestly, I like this one a lot.
This fic I found rewarding to read. Early on, when Octavia was revealed to be the weeping foal, I paused and thought "Wait a moment, how can Luna possibly be here? She'd be Nightmare Moon's face in the sky at this point." And then the evil influence takes over, breaking Octavia. Without a single explicit word of confirmation, it was made clear. Well, I found the whole fic to be like that, neither talking down to the audience nor feeling like an unfair challenge. I say kudos, author. That's how implication-based storytelling should be done.
Also, I appreciated the slow reveal of the domestic dynamic Octavia finds herself in, and the dialogue between Vinyl and Luna, especially when Luna's bystander tendencies were challenged, kept me going, eager to see how this would develop. Vinyl herself is a particularly endearing character, whereas Luna's inner conflict was a nice dark touch with a hint of dramatic irony and even some tragedy in how her crueller tendencies caused the emotional breakdown she's ruefully watching. It's also a pretty grim but not hopeless backstory for the two foals' future musical talents, simple yet sweet. That ending is a good capper, and is as far as I'm concerned probably the most solid (or least problematic) ending of the writeoff thus far. No major complaints here.
Ultimately, my favourite read of the bunch. Well done, author, and hope you do well in the results.
As usual, my disclaimer applies here too. Right, that's the last time I'm saying it, because I'm starting to sound like a broken record.
Bad stuff first: The twists in the last quarter feel a bit excessive after a while. I got the whole point of Scootaloo shoving Rainbow into a dream to survive the Ponyville apocalypse, and how Scootaloo's antics brought the white creatures and the Monster into the mix, but the contract thing confuses me. It says Scootaloo made a bargain when she was younger, only she didn't. Then she made a bargain when she was older. Following so far. But at times, especially with Scootaloo saying she changed her mind, it seems like the opposite is the case and the creature is just forcing it on her. I'm not sure if the creature or Scootaloo is the instigator, and it made it really hard to keep track of the details around that point. I can't help but feel that simplifying it would have helped, because if we're trying to piece a complicated story together, we're too busy for the emotional beats to land.
In that vein, I don't think the whole Monster thing is really necessary. It's cool and all, but the focus of the fic is totally on Scootaloo's insecurities and Rainbow's quest to snap her out of it. There's already a helluva lot of stuff going on, especially after a pretty thin and rushed changeling battle early on. I don't think we need a big old battle at the end too, especially when it happens mostly off-screen. The cold storm is antagonist enough at the finish.
While I'm at it, and as much as I like the back-and-forth between Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash at the end, I think it could do with some trimming. At one point, it stops to talk about Rainbow as a foal, and I still don't understand what that has to do with anything. Does it show Rainbow's not so different from Scootaloo? If so, it doesn't fully work, because Scootaloo had at least two friends as a foal and none of them seem to call her out as arrogant or snotty. Making the talk too long also kind of defuses the tension when the fight around them just sort of goes away. It was good, but anti-climactic. Maybe something more urgent is needed, like the fighting actually puts them at risk, to keep the tension going strong before the end.
And a minor point this: Luna comes across as a bit too judgemental, and I found it annoying. Yes, Scootaloo (somehow) almost caused the end of the world, but given Luna's whole history, you'd think she'd be a bit more sympathetic than this. I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way how she kept reacting like Scootaloo "had personally insulted her" over and over. At least tone the phrasing down or something, otherwise it makes it harder to appreciate her point.
The pacing is a little on the hectic side, especially just before the big final talk between Rainbow and Scootaloo.
That said, I honestly like this one a lot. I particularly like Rainbow Dash's characterization, especially the way her hot-headedness zigzags between being laughably impatient and being heartwarmingly protective. My favourite scene is the blizzard she fights through. The writing does a great job of selling just how big an ordeal it is on Rainbow, not just physically but to the point her mind starts losing it too (though you could've done more with that and left some lasting damage, because she seems mostly fine once she gets into Ponyville). Also, the scenes between her and Scootaloo are lovely. When there's so much adventuring and horror going on, these homey little scenes make the relationship feel more approachable, humane (so to speak), and sweet.
And damn this fic doesn't hang about. The beginning does a great job of teasing little clues that something is not right (or not so little, if Rainbow can explain away tons of snow just vanishing overnight! Um...) and the reveal of the fake Scootaloo was horrifying and chilling in just the right way. Not only does the horror work in its own right, but it makes the quest for the real Scootaloo all the more uncertain. I loved that kind of dread.
Overall, I'd say a definite good'un. It's rough in places, I won't lie, but I had a great time reading it, so kudos, author! I hope this review can help you improve it after the contest and turn it into something great.
Bad stuff first: The twists in the last quarter feel a bit excessive after a while. I got the whole point of Scootaloo shoving Rainbow into a dream to survive the Ponyville apocalypse, and how Scootaloo's antics brought the white creatures and the Monster into the mix, but the contract thing confuses me. It says Scootaloo made a bargain when she was younger, only she didn't. Then she made a bargain when she was older. Following so far. But at times, especially with Scootaloo saying she changed her mind, it seems like the opposite is the case and the creature is just forcing it on her. I'm not sure if the creature or Scootaloo is the instigator, and it made it really hard to keep track of the details around that point. I can't help but feel that simplifying it would have helped, because if we're trying to piece a complicated story together, we're too busy for the emotional beats to land.
In that vein, I don't think the whole Monster thing is really necessary. It's cool and all, but the focus of the fic is totally on Scootaloo's insecurities and Rainbow's quest to snap her out of it. There's already a helluva lot of stuff going on, especially after a pretty thin and rushed changeling battle early on. I don't think we need a big old battle at the end too, especially when it happens mostly off-screen. The cold storm is antagonist enough at the finish.
While I'm at it, and as much as I like the back-and-forth between Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash at the end, I think it could do with some trimming. At one point, it stops to talk about Rainbow as a foal, and I still don't understand what that has to do with anything. Does it show Rainbow's not so different from Scootaloo? If so, it doesn't fully work, because Scootaloo had at least two friends as a foal and none of them seem to call her out as arrogant or snotty. Making the talk too long also kind of defuses the tension when the fight around them just sort of goes away. It was good, but anti-climactic. Maybe something more urgent is needed, like the fighting actually puts them at risk, to keep the tension going strong before the end.
And a minor point this: Luna comes across as a bit too judgemental, and I found it annoying. Yes, Scootaloo (somehow) almost caused the end of the world, but given Luna's whole history, you'd think she'd be a bit more sympathetic than this. I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way how she kept reacting like Scootaloo "had personally insulted her" over and over. At least tone the phrasing down or something, otherwise it makes it harder to appreciate her point.
The pacing is a little on the hectic side, especially just before the big final talk between Rainbow and Scootaloo.
That said, I honestly like this one a lot. I particularly like Rainbow Dash's characterization, especially the way her hot-headedness zigzags between being laughably impatient and being heartwarmingly protective. My favourite scene is the blizzard she fights through. The writing does a great job of selling just how big an ordeal it is on Rainbow, not just physically but to the point her mind starts losing it too (though you could've done more with that and left some lasting damage, because she seems mostly fine once she gets into Ponyville). Also, the scenes between her and Scootaloo are lovely. When there's so much adventuring and horror going on, these homey little scenes make the relationship feel more approachable, humane (so to speak), and sweet.
And damn this fic doesn't hang about. The beginning does a great job of teasing little clues that something is not right (or not so little, if Rainbow can explain away tons of snow just vanishing overnight! Um...) and the reveal of the fake Scootaloo was horrifying and chilling in just the right way. Not only does the horror work in its own right, but it makes the quest for the real Scootaloo all the more uncertain. I loved that kind of dread.
Overall, I'd say a definite good'un. It's rough in places, I won't lie, but I had a great time reading it, so kudos, author! I hope this review can help you improve it after the contest and turn it into something great.
Same disclaimer as in my last comment. I ain't copy-pasting, mate.
Again, I'll start with the bad stuff: The fic heavily sets up the disease at the beginning as the driving question, and then never (as far as I can tell) really explains it. My best guess is that it's like Discord being orderly, but a lot more gory: Twilight shuns her friends, and that causes her, as Princess of Friendship, increasingly intense pain. But note I call this a guess. I have no clue, and it's immensely dissatisfying to feel like the whole plot is a shocking swerve bait-and-switch. I'm not against the more psychological angle of the second half - I'd expect it to be present somewhere - but it feels less like a facet of the plot and more like a completely different thread just took over. It didn't feel well-balanced overall.
Instead, it shifts focus - most obviously around the point Spike enters the picture - to Twilight doing the whole martyr thing which I swear I've encountered in about a dozen plus stories prior to now, including canon ones. The ubiquity is not the problem - Scootaloo-Rainbow stories are a dime a dozen, and I still like those - but Twilight's brand of workaholic martyrdom I find tedious anyway. Especially when the disease is so grisly and horrifying, she becomes less a tragic figure and more an outright moron. Sure, she's getting nowhere medically, but after that one scene with the doctor, there's no frantic effort to solve the problem. She literally just papers over a massive haemorrhaging disease and acts outraged at anyone who points out the perfectly sensible, I mean, what the actual hell!? Couple that with her petty angry moment firing Feathery, and all sympathy I had for our main character dried up completely by the two-thirds mark. Which is a problem, because it lessens the investment I felt going into the finale.
Another point is that the worldbuilding is too vague for my tastes. The instant I read "Pegasopolan" and "Feathery Breeze", my first interpretation was "Alternate Universe", especially with the lack of Main Six and Spike. An AU with canon elements added, as it turned out, when Luna appeared with her dream-walker abilities, which left me uncertain whether this might actually be canonical, but in the future. My point is that, while I did clock that this was the future around the time Spike comes in... that's a huge chunk of the story where I was still trying to get my bearings. An OC like Whiteoak talking about a Great Sea didn't do much to resolve my confusion. This too is a potential problem because, if the reader doesn't get their bearings as solidly as possible, as early as possible, the ongoing confusion will distract them from the rest of the story, if only slightly. That diminishes the impact somewhat.
Also, what was up with the present tense throughout? Even ignoring those times it slipped up and went into the past tense anyway, what purpose did it serve? I can't see any other than as doing it just for the sake of doing something different. I adjusted eventually, (having been trained heavily for past tense stories myself, I needed time to adjust), but it still bugs me to an extent.
That said, this fic has a hell of an opening. Immediately, I found myself horrified and curious as to the disease, and for as long as I interpreted this as a kind of medical horror-slash-drama, I was really engaged. The frustration and nagging uncertainty around the disease, especially when even a professional investigation is throwing up no clues, really does suck you in and is a fantastic way to generate a sense of unease and mystery. I was really looking forward to finding out where Twilight got this spreading, bleeding illness, and what it was eventually going to be revealed as. The pacing is also nicely steady and patient, contributing greatly to the feeling of low-key dread as the story progresses. Very well written.
Character-wise, there's not much going on with Feathery Breeze. She's sort of a bland nice girl, which is fine and functional, but nothing remarkable. I've already given my views of Twilight. That said, I do like Celestia's humble and nostalgic retirement, as well as the reveal that Luna's delving further into the cosmos. Excellently executed, especially the wisdom shown by Celestia in comparing carpentry and gardening to emphasize boring order and uncertain chaos (I'm not 100% sure you're not exaggerating the difference a little between the two, but I got the point of the analogy). Although mentioning "Pegasopolan bath houses" and then having Luna say "Hail Twilight" didn't do much for my confusion re: whether this was future canon or an AU with a heavy Classical Civilization bent (reminds me too much of "Hail, Caesar!").
There are typos and spelling errors here too, but for the most part, the prose I wouldn't change a bit. Good style, comfortable reading, helps with the mood, I love it. I'll rate this on its craftsmanship, definitely.
So overall, most of my problems with it are probably more personal interpretation than anything concrete, but they were big problems. Hopefully, I've phrased them in a way that you might find something useful in all this rambling of mine.
Again, I'll start with the bad stuff: The fic heavily sets up the disease at the beginning as the driving question, and then never (as far as I can tell) really explains it. My best guess is that it's like Discord being orderly, but a lot more gory: Twilight shuns her friends, and that causes her, as Princess of Friendship, increasingly intense pain. But note I call this a guess. I have no clue, and it's immensely dissatisfying to feel like the whole plot is a shocking swerve bait-and-switch. I'm not against the more psychological angle of the second half - I'd expect it to be present somewhere - but it feels less like a facet of the plot and more like a completely different thread just took over. It didn't feel well-balanced overall.
Instead, it shifts focus - most obviously around the point Spike enters the picture - to Twilight doing the whole martyr thing which I swear I've encountered in about a dozen plus stories prior to now, including canon ones. The ubiquity is not the problem - Scootaloo-Rainbow stories are a dime a dozen, and I still like those - but Twilight's brand of workaholic martyrdom I find tedious anyway. Especially when the disease is so grisly and horrifying, she becomes less a tragic figure and more an outright moron. Sure, she's getting nowhere medically, but after that one scene with the doctor, there's no frantic effort to solve the problem. She literally just papers over a massive haemorrhaging disease and acts outraged at anyone who points out the perfectly sensible, I mean, what the actual hell!? Couple that with her petty angry moment firing Feathery, and all sympathy I had for our main character dried up completely by the two-thirds mark. Which is a problem, because it lessens the investment I felt going into the finale.
Another point is that the worldbuilding is too vague for my tastes. The instant I read "Pegasopolan" and "Feathery Breeze", my first interpretation was "Alternate Universe", especially with the lack of Main Six and Spike. An AU with canon elements added, as it turned out, when Luna appeared with her dream-walker abilities, which left me uncertain whether this might actually be canonical, but in the future. My point is that, while I did clock that this was the future around the time Spike comes in... that's a huge chunk of the story where I was still trying to get my bearings. An OC like Whiteoak talking about a Great Sea didn't do much to resolve my confusion. This too is a potential problem because, if the reader doesn't get their bearings as solidly as possible, as early as possible, the ongoing confusion will distract them from the rest of the story, if only slightly. That diminishes the impact somewhat.
Also, what was up with the present tense throughout? Even ignoring those times it slipped up and went into the past tense anyway, what purpose did it serve? I can't see any other than as doing it just for the sake of doing something different. I adjusted eventually, (having been trained heavily for past tense stories myself, I needed time to adjust), but it still bugs me to an extent.
That said, this fic has a hell of an opening. Immediately, I found myself horrified and curious as to the disease, and for as long as I interpreted this as a kind of medical horror-slash-drama, I was really engaged. The frustration and nagging uncertainty around the disease, especially when even a professional investigation is throwing up no clues, really does suck you in and is a fantastic way to generate a sense of unease and mystery. I was really looking forward to finding out where Twilight got this spreading, bleeding illness, and what it was eventually going to be revealed as. The pacing is also nicely steady and patient, contributing greatly to the feeling of low-key dread as the story progresses. Very well written.
Character-wise, there's not much going on with Feathery Breeze. She's sort of a bland nice girl, which is fine and functional, but nothing remarkable. I've already given my views of Twilight. That said, I do like Celestia's humble and nostalgic retirement, as well as the reveal that Luna's delving further into the cosmos. Excellently executed, especially the wisdom shown by Celestia in comparing carpentry and gardening to emphasize boring order and uncertain chaos (I'm not 100% sure you're not exaggerating the difference a little between the two, but I got the point of the analogy). Although mentioning "Pegasopolan bath houses" and then having Luna say "Hail Twilight" didn't do much for my confusion re: whether this was future canon or an AU with a heavy Classical Civilization bent (reminds me too much of "Hail, Caesar!").
There are typos and spelling errors here too, but for the most part, the prose I wouldn't change a bit. Good style, comfortable reading, helps with the mood, I love it. I'll rate this on its craftsmanship, definitely.
So overall, most of my problems with it are probably more personal interpretation than anything concrete, but they were big problems. Hopefully, I've phrased them in a way that you might find something useful in all this rambling of mine.
Okie dokie. Before we start, I'll make the usual disclaimer: while I have tried to write these reviews with some view towards constructive criticism, there will inevitably be a dose of subjective personal taste and biases. I am not a certified, professional critic. Also also, I am covering my reviews behind spoilers so they don't influence other people before reading the fics. Lastly, there is a chance I might miss references to the latest seasons, so bear that in mind if I talk about something and you immediately think "Well hey, that happened in Season Eight, etc."
Bad stuff first: This fic feels way too insubstantial for a contestant. It's too nice, which is a problem because a major philosophy of story-writing is that there must be a conflict, however small, to engage the reader's interest. Here, though, there isn't so much as a hint of a problem until the test is mentioned halfway through, and even that is so nebulous and has such an unremarkable pay-off (not BAD, really, but it isn't particularly engrossing when it's revealed) that it feels unjustified, like Thorax's random cameo and the Tantabus being there. (Both could be removed and nothing would really change about the story). At the minimum, I think the "test" should be introduced much earlier as a driving question. If Scootaloo's dream escapism is a conflict, then we should see more tension between her escapism and her reality, rather than have it just be discussed all at the end.
This is also a problem because the slow sort of style you're going for is likely to bore some readers and possibly confuse the rest (at one point, you seem to call Luna "Big Blue Bertha", and for a moment I thought yet another character had walked into the story; I'm still not sure I understand what that was all about). The prose doesn't help, either. I noticed typos here and there, but at first I had no problem with them and just glided on. Later, however, they seem to get worse. Examples include:
- Twilight made you a tutor, and we need everypony we everypony.
- it's [N.B. should be "its"] impossible number of gossamer wings condensing and dripping in an out of existence
- Rainbow Dash was looking at her an eyebrow cocked and loaded [N.B. Missing a comma between "her" and "an eyebrow"]
It's not that the prose is a priority, but when the story itself doesn't engross as well as it should, little problems like those become harder to ignore.
Lastly, though this isn't a problem for me personally, I suspect some people might consider the premise a little on the obvious side (Scootaloo having flight worries? Luna coaching her to a moral? So what's new?). But that's me thinking how others might take it. I didn't mind it at all.
Now for the good stuff. I liked this one. It's not something to get the blood running, and you really needed to proofread it and iron out those typos before publishing. But the talk with Luna and Scootaloo was sweet enough, and I do appreciate your decision to just show ponies talking to each other about the dream and about the "problem" and facing reality. None of it is revolutionary or even particularly taxing. It's just a nice change of pace.
The best part for me is the trio of paragraphs at the beginning. This fic moves sedately, and that beautifully fits the evocative feeling and wonder in those paragraphs, with the almost Ghibli-esque reverence for the moment. The description of the countryside, the simile "guiding her... like an encouraging mother bird", the moment of uncertainty when she realizes she has full wings, it's all crafted so well.
In some ways, I even like the calm, patient style of the rest of the story. On its own terms, it's nice to have a fic which isn't about big spectacle or cruel drama, but about little pleasures and a dreamy pace. So regardless of my criticisms above, I did enjoy reading this one, author, and I salute your efforts.
And of course, I hope this comment helps you in some way in the future!
Bad stuff first: This fic feels way too insubstantial for a contestant. It's too nice, which is a problem because a major philosophy of story-writing is that there must be a conflict, however small, to engage the reader's interest. Here, though, there isn't so much as a hint of a problem until the test is mentioned halfway through, and even that is so nebulous and has such an unremarkable pay-off (not BAD, really, but it isn't particularly engrossing when it's revealed) that it feels unjustified, like Thorax's random cameo and the Tantabus being there. (Both could be removed and nothing would really change about the story). At the minimum, I think the "test" should be introduced much earlier as a driving question. If Scootaloo's dream escapism is a conflict, then we should see more tension between her escapism and her reality, rather than have it just be discussed all at the end.
This is also a problem because the slow sort of style you're going for is likely to bore some readers and possibly confuse the rest (at one point, you seem to call Luna "Big Blue Bertha", and for a moment I thought yet another character had walked into the story; I'm still not sure I understand what that was all about). The prose doesn't help, either. I noticed typos here and there, but at first I had no problem with them and just glided on. Later, however, they seem to get worse. Examples include:
- Twilight made you a tutor, and we need everypony we everypony.
- it's [N.B. should be "its"] impossible number of gossamer wings condensing and dripping in an out of existence
- Rainbow Dash was looking at her an eyebrow cocked and loaded [N.B. Missing a comma between "her" and "an eyebrow"]
It's not that the prose is a priority, but when the story itself doesn't engross as well as it should, little problems like those become harder to ignore.
Lastly, though this isn't a problem for me personally, I suspect some people might consider the premise a little on the obvious side (Scootaloo having flight worries? Luna coaching her to a moral? So what's new?). But that's me thinking how others might take it. I didn't mind it at all.
Now for the good stuff. I liked this one. It's not something to get the blood running, and you really needed to proofread it and iron out those typos before publishing. But the talk with Luna and Scootaloo was sweet enough, and I do appreciate your decision to just show ponies talking to each other about the dream and about the "problem" and facing reality. None of it is revolutionary or even particularly taxing. It's just a nice change of pace.
The best part for me is the trio of paragraphs at the beginning. This fic moves sedately, and that beautifully fits the evocative feeling and wonder in those paragraphs, with the almost Ghibli-esque reverence for the moment. The description of the countryside, the simile "guiding her... like an encouraging mother bird", the moment of uncertainty when she realizes she has full wings, it's all crafted so well.
In some ways, I even like the calm, patient style of the rest of the story. On its own terms, it's nice to have a fic which isn't about big spectacle or cruel drama, but about little pleasures and a dreamy pace. So regardless of my criticisms above, I did enjoy reading this one, author, and I salute your efforts.
And of course, I hope this comment helps you in some way in the future!
>>CoffeeMinion
Yep, Easter's a good time. Had the family round for a nice big meal yesterday, finished of course with a lovely selection of chocolate eggs. Good time indeed.
Yep, Easter's a good time. Had the family round for a nice big meal yesterday, finished of course with a lovely selection of chocolate eggs. Good time indeed.
All right. I'm ready for another try. Managed to come up with some work, edited it, and submitted it. Hell, I don't even care a fig whether or not I score highly. I'm just pleased as punch not only to have written something at long last, but to have actually finished something too. Boy howdy has it been too long.
I've decided to quit the writeoff. Part of it is real life; for months, I've felt like something scraped off a shoe, and getting stressed over a contest I'm not fit for isn't helping. Most of it is because, well, I'm clearly not fit for it, both mentally and in actual performance.
Firstly, the last few contests prove I'm just spoiling it for other people. I've snapped at other users for not "getting" my work, I bloat the story counts unfairly to the point some people stop finding this fun, and I can't even comment without revealing I'm not much better at "unfairly" or "hilariously" misinterpreting other people's work.
Secondly, I don't have the right mindset for it. I hate commenting, because as soon as I've done it for one person I feel compelled to do it for everyone else, which gets taxing fast. I can't control my word limits for those comments, never mind the fics: I feel like half the job's a cruel amputation of scenes I worked on. I get confused and irritated when I see mixed opinions. And I'm jealous as hell over everyone who does better than me, however shitty that attitude of mine is.
Thirdly, I know the point is to get better, but I feel like I'm getting worse. It's got to a point I hate merely thinking of writing anything, because I'll cock something up sooner or later. I only won this gold medal by accident - my other three entries prove as much - and that's just not a good sign. Miller should've won it instead; he's the more consistent writer.
I had planned to come back initially, for the next contest. But I don't feel capable of doing this again. When it also gets to the point I'm a notorious punchline on the Discord channel, I just can't muster up the old willpower and continue anymore. I got a few fics out of the experience, but my way of getting there was so painful and mismanaged I don't feel it was worth it.
So I'm doing the sensible thing and leaving. Thanks to everyone who commented; I'm sorry to you in particular for my being such an ungrateful brat of a contestant, but I really do appreciate the time and effort involved. To the regulars who keep going and enjoy the experience, I say more power to you, and I sincerely wish I was one of you.
Firstly, the last few contests prove I'm just spoiling it for other people. I've snapped at other users for not "getting" my work, I bloat the story counts unfairly to the point some people stop finding this fun, and I can't even comment without revealing I'm not much better at "unfairly" or "hilariously" misinterpreting other people's work.
Secondly, I don't have the right mindset for it. I hate commenting, because as soon as I've done it for one person I feel compelled to do it for everyone else, which gets taxing fast. I can't control my word limits for those comments, never mind the fics: I feel like half the job's a cruel amputation of scenes I worked on. I get confused and irritated when I see mixed opinions. And I'm jealous as hell over everyone who does better than me, however shitty that attitude of mine is.
Thirdly, I know the point is to get better, but I feel like I'm getting worse. It's got to a point I hate merely thinking of writing anything, because I'll cock something up sooner or later. I only won this gold medal by accident - my other three entries prove as much - and that's just not a good sign. Miller should've won it instead; he's the more consistent writer.
I had planned to come back initially, for the next contest. But I don't feel capable of doing this again. When it also gets to the point I'm a notorious punchline on the Discord channel, I just can't muster up the old willpower and continue anymore. I got a few fics out of the experience, but my way of getting there was so painful and mismanaged I don't feel it was worth it.
So I'm doing the sensible thing and leaving. Thanks to everyone who commented; I'm sorry to you in particular for my being such an ungrateful brat of a contestant, but I really do appreciate the time and effort involved. To the regulars who keep going and enjoy the experience, I say more power to you, and I sincerely wish I was one of you.
I will say this: you've totally captured the whimsical aggravation of any encounter with a Wonderland denizen. I had no trouble believing this was the Cheshire Cat in all his trolling, nonsense-making glory.
That said, I think I can sum up the biggest problem with this fic in two premises:
1. It seems you can only get the full effect if you're familiar with the referenced Oz works in question, and
2. Virtually nobody's familiar with the Oz works in question beyond the obvious one.
Also, it's a bizarre coincidence when this is the second fic in the contest involving male-to-female transsexuals who are also royalty. That's an oddly specific trope to appear twice.
Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand...
The title's meaning doesn't become apparent until the actual Wonderland visit, which made me wonder why we were in this weird fantasy mish-mash instead with no connection to Wonderland, and then when the penny finally dropped that this was Oz, I was still wondering why there was that reference in the title. To go so long being confused by the title's relevance to the premise, especially when the title's such a recognizable reference, is jarring to the point of dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of my problems with this fic.
There's a lot of stylistic weirdness with this one. For a kickoff, the prose feels way too formal at times and heavily laden with adjectives. Take these two sentences at the beginning, for example:
"His head cocked the other way so that his face swiveled toward the Glass Cat sitting on the finely woven grass-colored carpet covering the throne room's emerald floor."
"Maintaining any semblance of equanimity at the antics of her subjects sometimes took more strength than Ozma thought she had."
They come across as overwrought, and the fic is up to its gills with sentences like that. I'll admit that, in a perverse way, it fits into the alien goody-two-shoes nature of the fictional world, but at the cost of being much fun to read. For starters, some of those sentences could be trimmed down, otherwise it feels like you're leading your reader through a marathon (or beating them over the head with how poncy your vocab is). And not letting readers take the story at a more comfortable pace is really problematic when you're also throwing around weird concepts willy-nilly. We're faced with a glass cat, a sex-changed fussy queen, and a pumpkin-headed bumpkin; do we really need to know anything about the goddamn carpet?
More worryingly, the structure and the plot are kinda confused too. Ostensibly, the Glass Cat/Bungle (and it's a mark of how willy-nilly the fic is that it kept changing his names/descriptions back-and-forth, so it took far too long for me to figure out this was the same character) is the main protagonist, since he's the one who goes forth to the public domain, ends up fighting Jabberwocky, and comes back humbled. But... we get Jack Pumpkinhead and Ozma bantering right off the bat. Glass Cat/Bungle doesn't appear until the third paragraph of this banter, and doesn't even get involved until the seventh. It takes even longer before we realize he's the one who's going to be doing anything; so much focus is given to Ozma and Jack at first that I think any reader would be confused by the emergence of Bungle as the protag.
And overall, I'm left wondering: What was the point of all this? The Public Domain thing suggests a kind of meta commentary, and the chief suspect for me is that Bungle's attempt to break tradition, cry defiance, and skip universes only ends up fulfilling the narrative point of another universe. Basically, a "You Can't Fight Fate" moral. Having the target universe be Wonderland alleviates this somewhat, since that is a land of nonsense logic where skipping fictional universes is presumably another Tuesday.
But the Oz connection, man. I mean, why Oz? Just because it's got weird stuff in it, doesn't mean it's Wonderland's cousin. Wonderland's semi-satiric logic-chopping is quite different from a more traditional fantasy adventure-land. And anyway, isn't this kind of against the spirit of original fiction? The works are old, true, so that's presumably the copyright loophole (hence the whole Public Domain thing you tackle), but I still feel like this is a bit shaky.
I get the writer had plenty of enthusiasm mashing the two together, but all in all I just don't understand where that enthusiasm came from. The fic's confusing in both premise and execution, its prose isn't particularly elegant, and I simply didn't have as much fun reading it as the author presumably did writing it.
Sorry, man. Whether it's the obscurity thing or not, I just don't click with this one, so I'm gonna have to rank it low.
That said, I think I can sum up the biggest problem with this fic in two premises:
1. It seems you can only get the full effect if you're familiar with the referenced Oz works in question, and
2. Virtually nobody's familiar with the Oz works in question beyond the obvious one.
Also, it's a bizarre coincidence when this is the second fic in the contest involving male-to-female transsexuals who are also royalty. That's an oddly specific trope to appear twice.
Anyway, getting back to the topic at hand...
The title's meaning doesn't become apparent until the actual Wonderland visit, which made me wonder why we were in this weird fantasy mish-mash instead with no connection to Wonderland, and then when the penny finally dropped that this was Oz, I was still wondering why there was that reference in the title. To go so long being confused by the title's relevance to the premise, especially when the title's such a recognizable reference, is jarring to the point of dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, it was the beginning of my problems with this fic.
There's a lot of stylistic weirdness with this one. For a kickoff, the prose feels way too formal at times and heavily laden with adjectives. Take these two sentences at the beginning, for example:
"His head cocked the other way so that his face swiveled toward the Glass Cat sitting on the finely woven grass-colored carpet covering the throne room's emerald floor."
"Maintaining any semblance of equanimity at the antics of her subjects sometimes took more strength than Ozma thought she had."
They come across as overwrought, and the fic is up to its gills with sentences like that. I'll admit that, in a perverse way, it fits into the alien goody-two-shoes nature of the fictional world, but at the cost of being much fun to read. For starters, some of those sentences could be trimmed down, otherwise it feels like you're leading your reader through a marathon (or beating them over the head with how poncy your vocab is). And not letting readers take the story at a more comfortable pace is really problematic when you're also throwing around weird concepts willy-nilly. We're faced with a glass cat, a sex-changed fussy queen, and a pumpkin-headed bumpkin; do we really need to know anything about the goddamn carpet?
More worryingly, the structure and the plot are kinda confused too. Ostensibly, the Glass Cat/Bungle (and it's a mark of how willy-nilly the fic is that it kept changing his names/descriptions back-and-forth, so it took far too long for me to figure out this was the same character) is the main protagonist, since he's the one who goes forth to the public domain, ends up fighting Jabberwocky, and comes back humbled. But... we get Jack Pumpkinhead and Ozma bantering right off the bat. Glass Cat/Bungle doesn't appear until the third paragraph of this banter, and doesn't even get involved until the seventh. It takes even longer before we realize he's the one who's going to be doing anything; so much focus is given to Ozma and Jack at first that I think any reader would be confused by the emergence of Bungle as the protag.
And overall, I'm left wondering: What was the point of all this? The Public Domain thing suggests a kind of meta commentary, and the chief suspect for me is that Bungle's attempt to break tradition, cry defiance, and skip universes only ends up fulfilling the narrative point of another universe. Basically, a "You Can't Fight Fate" moral. Having the target universe be Wonderland alleviates this somewhat, since that is a land of nonsense logic where skipping fictional universes is presumably another Tuesday.
But the Oz connection, man. I mean, why Oz? Just because it's got weird stuff in it, doesn't mean it's Wonderland's cousin. Wonderland's semi-satiric logic-chopping is quite different from a more traditional fantasy adventure-land. And anyway, isn't this kind of against the spirit of original fiction? The works are old, true, so that's presumably the copyright loophole (hence the whole Public Domain thing you tackle), but I still feel like this is a bit shaky.
I get the writer had plenty of enthusiasm mashing the two together, but all in all I just don't understand where that enthusiasm came from. The fic's confusing in both premise and execution, its prose isn't particularly elegant, and I simply didn't have as much fun reading it as the author presumably did writing it.
Sorry, man. Whether it's the obscurity thing or not, I just don't click with this one, so I'm gonna have to rank it low.
First things first: starting with a list is not an encouraging move. People are just getting into the story; the last thing you want them to think is "Wait, I have to memorize this?" It'd be much better to space out names like that so that we get a proper introduction to each one as we go along, namely when we've got a distinctive character laid out for each one.
I have to admit I could see the tension and intrigue in the structure of the story, and that progresses very well to <fern>'s gambit at the end to trick <Shiva> into giving her the points. It definitely invites the reader to participate and guess, and some characters do emerge from the scenario (those two aforementioned ones in particular stand out as distinct personalities). The concept of using a Turing Test competition is outstanding, and I liked in particular the explanations early on when the participants reasoned that so-and-so could be an AI.
Still, I also have to admit I struggled at times to enjoy it. The chat format entails a lot of meandering in-between the revelations, and it's just not that fun to read other people's chat messages when there's no direct accusations or tricks in play. For the first half, before the likes of <Shiva> start to dominate the chat, it's an undifferentiated mass of seemingly interchangeable characters, so there was little to latch on to before the pool thinned and we could focus more on a smaller number of participants.
After a while it feels less like learning about how to detect bots and more like we're just watching "they're all AIs" unfold, which slightly undermines the whole "reader can participate too" thing. Plus, no one seriously calls out <Shiva>, the one who talks like an actual robot? Seriously? By the midway point, that guy would've been my Number One Suspect, but everyone just buys the "I naturally talk like this because sore spot" explanation. It got blatantly annoying after a while because it strains belief too much.
I'm trying to think of how I'd go about fixing these issues while preserving the chat format. For a start, I'd probably give each participant a distinct introduction, maybe a quirk or two early on so that we can distinguish them clearly in our mind's eye. Then throw them together for the contest. Imagine, for instance, the Main Six and Spike taking part; their personalities would shine through cleanly, making it far easier to keep track of who's who. You use names at the start of each sentence, but we don't care about names; we want to care about the characters behind them.
The other major issue I'd try to fix might be to have a more consistent theme going on in-between the revelations so that the chats don't feel too meandering. I get you're going for realism by having, say, random jobs and biographical details in the "Maybe we should introduce ourselves" section, but since we're in a kind of sci-fi setting, couldn't we capitalize on that by elaborating a bit more? One of them's a sci-fi writer; how about a section where they reveal they wrote a story about AI, and then you can use that to explore other aspects of the relationship between humans and AI? It's less realistic than random jobs, but having a consistent theme explored throughout, rather than feeling like we're reading ad libs, would go a long way to making the fic stronger and more memorable an experience in the reader's mind. It would at least be more interesting than bog-standard chat we'll forget once <Shiva> calls out the next target, at least. Every word counts.
Lastly, make <Shiva> a little less obvious. I don't know if that was the point, to show how out-of-depth the other participants were, but I for one would find it less distracting. It takes a reader out of the experience when they wonder why characters are not doing the obvious thing, so a little more justification would be welcome to alleviate that.
Overall, another high mid-tier or possibly strong entry, mostly bolstered by the strong concept.
I have to admit I could see the tension and intrigue in the structure of the story, and that progresses very well to <fern>'s gambit at the end to trick <Shiva> into giving her the points. It definitely invites the reader to participate and guess, and some characters do emerge from the scenario (those two aforementioned ones in particular stand out as distinct personalities). The concept of using a Turing Test competition is outstanding, and I liked in particular the explanations early on when the participants reasoned that so-and-so could be an AI.
Still, I also have to admit I struggled at times to enjoy it. The chat format entails a lot of meandering in-between the revelations, and it's just not that fun to read other people's chat messages when there's no direct accusations or tricks in play. For the first half, before the likes of <Shiva> start to dominate the chat, it's an undifferentiated mass of seemingly interchangeable characters, so there was little to latch on to before the pool thinned and we could focus more on a smaller number of participants.
After a while it feels less like learning about how to detect bots and more like we're just watching "they're all AIs" unfold, which slightly undermines the whole "reader can participate too" thing. Plus, no one seriously calls out <Shiva>, the one who talks like an actual robot? Seriously? By the midway point, that guy would've been my Number One Suspect, but everyone just buys the "I naturally talk like this because sore spot" explanation. It got blatantly annoying after a while because it strains belief too much.
I'm trying to think of how I'd go about fixing these issues while preserving the chat format. For a start, I'd probably give each participant a distinct introduction, maybe a quirk or two early on so that we can distinguish them clearly in our mind's eye. Then throw them together for the contest. Imagine, for instance, the Main Six and Spike taking part; their personalities would shine through cleanly, making it far easier to keep track of who's who. You use names at the start of each sentence, but we don't care about names; we want to care about the characters behind them.
The other major issue I'd try to fix might be to have a more consistent theme going on in-between the revelations so that the chats don't feel too meandering. I get you're going for realism by having, say, random jobs and biographical details in the "Maybe we should introduce ourselves" section, but since we're in a kind of sci-fi setting, couldn't we capitalize on that by elaborating a bit more? One of them's a sci-fi writer; how about a section where they reveal they wrote a story about AI, and then you can use that to explore other aspects of the relationship between humans and AI? It's less realistic than random jobs, but having a consistent theme explored throughout, rather than feeling like we're reading ad libs, would go a long way to making the fic stronger and more memorable an experience in the reader's mind. It would at least be more interesting than bog-standard chat we'll forget once <Shiva> calls out the next target, at least. Every word counts.
Lastly, make <Shiva> a little less obvious. I don't know if that was the point, to show how out-of-depth the other participants were, but I for one would find it less distracting. It takes a reader out of the experience when they wonder why characters are not doing the obvious thing, so a little more justification would be welcome to alleviate that.
Overall, another high mid-tier or possibly strong entry, mostly bolstered by the strong concept.
Let me make this clear from the get-go: I do not like this story. At all. But in the interests of useful feedback and constructive criticism, I'm going to set that aside because subjective experience like that won't mean a lot to you when it comes to future writing. At the very least, I'll try to be usefully constructive in my technical response here.
First of all, the general structure: I'm fine with subdividing it into chapters, and the mystery element works well. A little too well, perhaps: the red herrings and constant reiteration of certain points does make it harder to piece together if you're reading casually, though they do serve to give the story some realism and it helps to add to the mystique when there are multiple choices and ambiguities. Plus the unreliable narrator aspect makes it compelling on top of the seedy nature of the whole dark business, so tone fits style fits content well here. Although it feels a bit slow to get going after the first thousand words, it picks up again with the last two chapters, so pacing is largely well done.
Second of all, the characters. It took a while to realize that the descriptions in the first two chapters weren't some excessive hyperbole but an actual sign of some supernatural shenanigans going on. "Lady Sylvia" and how horrible she is feels like it dominates the story a little too much; yeah, she's the central figure in the backstory, but Madeleine and Jonathan Gard are the more interesting characters, if only because of their bizarre association with this creepy demon. Given that this is a demonic entity, it's good to get a religious figure commenting in the second chapter. The other characters were fine and serviceable to the story, fulfilling their roles. Obviously, this is about the demon et al, so they don't need to snatch the spotlight, though I will confess to a bit of confusion involving lipstick on the Father Harrison's wrists.
Plotwise, I think I got the gist by the end: Madeleine and Gard both loved or sought to love "Lady Sylvia", though it seems to me Madeleine had the bigger stake, given their intertwined backstory. "Sylvia" wants to be human, tries to conceive with Gard, fails, tries to commit suicide, and then I presume really has him killed for the same reason she later has Madeleine killed; as an alternative way to try to get that love through grief and loss. For Madeleine, there's also a sort of disgusted jealous protectiveness which motivates her to kill Gard and later threaten the investigator.
It's not my cup of tea, feeling a bit like OTT gothic melodrama, but I'll concede that what it sets out to do, it does with wild success. Helping greatly is the prose, which while also a bit OTT at times, especially its repeated emphasis on showing just how alien and unpleasant "Lady Sylvia" is, at least sets up the ideal visceral, creepy tone required for such a story. Kinda like if Lovecraftian horror had wrapped its tentacles around a classic English murder mystery.
I will, though, complain about the second-person interjections. They not only don't feel necessary to tell the story - pure first-person would have done the job elegantly - but set up an "I'm talking to you" framing device I felt was at odds with the decision to split it up into chapters like a traditional book. You don't split a conversation or interview into chapters, certainly not when the overall tale's this short. And there's a gamble in depicting a character as so foul while simultaneously acting like the reader is an involved party to all this unpleasantness. The effect is more to jar the reader out of the experience, especially if - in my case - they're having a hard enough time as it is getting into said experience. Perhaps a more detached third-person tone would help to make the horror stand out too.
Also, it took a while for me to realize that no one in the story was surprised by this supernatural entity (disgusted, yes, but they seem ready to expect and explain it), so it took a while to realize the author in the first chapter wasn't just being OTT with their description. Maybe if they'd mentioned that supernatural things really exist early on, I'd have adjusted faster.
Overall, one or two hiccups aside here and there, the presentation and execution certainly seem professional enough and solid enough. I predict this one will do quite well. But given my own opinion on it, odds are I'm gonna abstain, so at least hopefully you'll get something useful out of this comment, if nothing else.
First of all, the general structure: I'm fine with subdividing it into chapters, and the mystery element works well. A little too well, perhaps: the red herrings and constant reiteration of certain points does make it harder to piece together if you're reading casually, though they do serve to give the story some realism and it helps to add to the mystique when there are multiple choices and ambiguities. Plus the unreliable narrator aspect makes it compelling on top of the seedy nature of the whole dark business, so tone fits style fits content well here. Although it feels a bit slow to get going after the first thousand words, it picks up again with the last two chapters, so pacing is largely well done.
Second of all, the characters. It took a while to realize that the descriptions in the first two chapters weren't some excessive hyperbole but an actual sign of some supernatural shenanigans going on. "Lady Sylvia" and how horrible she is feels like it dominates the story a little too much; yeah, she's the central figure in the backstory, but Madeleine and Jonathan Gard are the more interesting characters, if only because of their bizarre association with this creepy demon. Given that this is a demonic entity, it's good to get a religious figure commenting in the second chapter. The other characters were fine and serviceable to the story, fulfilling their roles. Obviously, this is about the demon et al, so they don't need to snatch the spotlight, though I will confess to a bit of confusion involving lipstick on the Father Harrison's wrists.
Plotwise, I think I got the gist by the end: Madeleine and Gard both loved or sought to love "Lady Sylvia", though it seems to me Madeleine had the bigger stake, given their intertwined backstory. "Sylvia" wants to be human, tries to conceive with Gard, fails, tries to commit suicide, and then I presume really has him killed for the same reason she later has Madeleine killed; as an alternative way to try to get that love through grief and loss. For Madeleine, there's also a sort of disgusted jealous protectiveness which motivates her to kill Gard and later threaten the investigator.
It's not my cup of tea, feeling a bit like OTT gothic melodrama, but I'll concede that what it sets out to do, it does with wild success. Helping greatly is the prose, which while also a bit OTT at times, especially its repeated emphasis on showing just how alien and unpleasant "Lady Sylvia" is, at least sets up the ideal visceral, creepy tone required for such a story. Kinda like if Lovecraftian horror had wrapped its tentacles around a classic English murder mystery.
I will, though, complain about the second-person interjections. They not only don't feel necessary to tell the story - pure first-person would have done the job elegantly - but set up an "I'm talking to you" framing device I felt was at odds with the decision to split it up into chapters like a traditional book. You don't split a conversation or interview into chapters, certainly not when the overall tale's this short. And there's a gamble in depicting a character as so foul while simultaneously acting like the reader is an involved party to all this unpleasantness. The effect is more to jar the reader out of the experience, especially if - in my case - they're having a hard enough time as it is getting into said experience. Perhaps a more detached third-person tone would help to make the horror stand out too.
Also, it took a while for me to realize that no one in the story was surprised by this supernatural entity (disgusted, yes, but they seem ready to expect and explain it), so it took a while to realize the author in the first chapter wasn't just being OTT with their description. Maybe if they'd mentioned that supernatural things really exist early on, I'd have adjusted faster.
Overall, one or two hiccups aside here and there, the presentation and execution certainly seem professional enough and solid enough. I predict this one will do quite well. But given my own opinion on it, odds are I'm gonna abstain, so at least hopefully you'll get something useful out of this comment, if nothing else.
What I like best about this one is the constant subversion. It started off strong, with a fake hero half-exploiting, half-doing-good-with the legend built around her persona. (Fantastic opening line, too!). Inevitably, that gets Tiff in trouble with someone, so it's amusing to continue that theme with an equally fake villain. Nice touch!
What I particularly like about the general air of subversiveness in this fic is how it both exploits and fits into a traditional medieval epic quest structure, sort of playing along with it while also undermining it. Very consistent.
While I think the backstories for both of them are done well, the boy's/Magpie's/the Necromancer Queen's is easily the best of the two, with the outcast finding his/her mentor and fulfilling his unconventional dream. But in the early offing, Tiff being both benevolent (she notes how her reputation scares off a bunch of thugs) and opportunistic (getting free stuff, basically) was exactly the sort of moral grey that works best with such a deceptive set-up. I loved every second of it.
Lastly, the writing, one or two stylistic slips aside, is pretty comfortable to read; when you're playing around with concepts like this, it's important to ease the reader through it as casually and easily as possible.
That said, much as I like the ambition and concepts and even the writing to an extent, I still feel like the fic's a bit muddled. After following Tiff's story a good chunk of the way, suddenly we're tripped up and introduced to Magpie's. You know when you're eating a chocolate chip cookie and suddenly find you're eating trifle? Both are good, but the abrupt switch still makes you go "What is THIS!?" You don't enjoy it immediately. You're too busy wondering why your taste buds are giving odd signals all of a sudden.
Now, in a longer fic, is all right, right? Because once we've read enough of Character A's story to start feeling comfortable with them (or risk getting bored), Character B's story can then come in without much fuss. Or you could jump back and forth from one to the other from the start, so that we're all just waiting for the characters to collide and sparks to fly.
But what you're doing instead is sort of halfway between those two ideals, and it's jarring because it doesn't have either advantage. You've given us Tiff's set-up and her first real challenge by the time we're roughly a quarter of the way into 7000 odd words, so we're not nearly comfortable enough to be suddenly switching perspectives this soon. Nor has there been any indication that Character B had this story lined up, so after a while of his/her backstory, I'm getting impatient as to what this has to do with Tiff. It doesn't help that you start the Necromancer Queen's story with a boy, so without immediately guessing that this is the Necromancer Queen before a sex change, I spent a good chunk of it even more confused about what this was.
See, I kinda assumed from the get-go that Tiff was the most important character here, but the bulk of the fic weighs in favour of Magpie. I'd recommend, in that case, starting with Magpie's story, then when we're nearer the end of the fic (because Tiff's backstory isn't as long, as far as I can tell), then bring in Tiff. Or else rewrite this story so that Tiff's story gets more verbiage. Or write it with both backstories intertwined.
That last one might also fix the sudden romance at the end: I'll try and set aside my general reservations when it comes to romance as a genre, because personal tastes and all, but I think even a romance fan might be better rewarded by having some more chemistry between the two leads. Right now, their most significant interaction prior to that point is the Necromancer Queen telling her backstory. That's a fine first step towards an "emotionally intimate" relationship, given that they're telling secrets and all, but it doesn't feel like they have any real reason to commit to each other or to expose their more vulnerable sides just because they know why they each became a fake hero/villain. They literally just met! Going from that to a "happily ever after" kiss feels far too shallow for a romantic connection to seem credible.
That's probably why I felt the ending lacked punch too. I got the impression the plan was going to involve some staged battle where both of them "died" and then slipped out and lived happy lives in obscurity, which would've fit the general subverted-epic feel quite fine. The current solution doesn't feel like it would be convincing to the mob who are convinced this is basically female Sauron (at one point they think Tiff might be bewitched by the Necromancer, so a kiss is not going to shift that suspicion). Plus the whole romance thing feels too arbitrary. I'm fine with you shaking things up, but there comes a point where it stops serving some broader theme and starts feeling like you're using ideas any old how. The ending was that point for me.
A minor point as well: I praise the prose, but it does falter at times. You generally seem to be going for a more timeless, classic use of language, befitting a heroic quest story. Then we get odd lines which suggest a more modern spin, such as Tiff calling the Queen "hot". Then on occasion we get high-falutin' words like "verbalize". I think you should commit one way or the other. If it's subversive you want, add more modern words or style to it. If it's classic you want, edit out stuff like that, because it will trip readers up. If you want to mix the two, even, then do it more often.
Despite my complaints, I'm not too hung up about the general muddled feel. In the end, I liked the twists and turns you were going for, and got more enjoyment out of it than frustration. Slip-ups or not, you kept me guessing, and that's gotta be worth something, right? I'd say... high mid-tier, possibly strong entry.
What I particularly like about the general air of subversiveness in this fic is how it both exploits and fits into a traditional medieval epic quest structure, sort of playing along with it while also undermining it. Very consistent.
While I think the backstories for both of them are done well, the boy's/Magpie's/the Necromancer Queen's is easily the best of the two, with the outcast finding his/her mentor and fulfilling his unconventional dream. But in the early offing, Tiff being both benevolent (she notes how her reputation scares off a bunch of thugs) and opportunistic (getting free stuff, basically) was exactly the sort of moral grey that works best with such a deceptive set-up. I loved every second of it.
Lastly, the writing, one or two stylistic slips aside, is pretty comfortable to read; when you're playing around with concepts like this, it's important to ease the reader through it as casually and easily as possible.
That said, much as I like the ambition and concepts and even the writing to an extent, I still feel like the fic's a bit muddled. After following Tiff's story a good chunk of the way, suddenly we're tripped up and introduced to Magpie's. You know when you're eating a chocolate chip cookie and suddenly find you're eating trifle? Both are good, but the abrupt switch still makes you go "What is THIS!?" You don't enjoy it immediately. You're too busy wondering why your taste buds are giving odd signals all of a sudden.
Now, in a longer fic, is all right, right? Because once we've read enough of Character A's story to start feeling comfortable with them (or risk getting bored), Character B's story can then come in without much fuss. Or you could jump back and forth from one to the other from the start, so that we're all just waiting for the characters to collide and sparks to fly.
But what you're doing instead is sort of halfway between those two ideals, and it's jarring because it doesn't have either advantage. You've given us Tiff's set-up and her first real challenge by the time we're roughly a quarter of the way into 7000 odd words, so we're not nearly comfortable enough to be suddenly switching perspectives this soon. Nor has there been any indication that Character B had this story lined up, so after a while of his/her backstory, I'm getting impatient as to what this has to do with Tiff. It doesn't help that you start the Necromancer Queen's story with a boy, so without immediately guessing that this is the Necromancer Queen before a sex change, I spent a good chunk of it even more confused about what this was.
See, I kinda assumed from the get-go that Tiff was the most important character here, but the bulk of the fic weighs in favour of Magpie. I'd recommend, in that case, starting with Magpie's story, then when we're nearer the end of the fic (because Tiff's backstory isn't as long, as far as I can tell), then bring in Tiff. Or else rewrite this story so that Tiff's story gets more verbiage. Or write it with both backstories intertwined.
That last one might also fix the sudden romance at the end: I'll try and set aside my general reservations when it comes to romance as a genre, because personal tastes and all, but I think even a romance fan might be better rewarded by having some more chemistry between the two leads. Right now, their most significant interaction prior to that point is the Necromancer Queen telling her backstory. That's a fine first step towards an "emotionally intimate" relationship, given that they're telling secrets and all, but it doesn't feel like they have any real reason to commit to each other or to expose their more vulnerable sides just because they know why they each became a fake hero/villain. They literally just met! Going from that to a "happily ever after" kiss feels far too shallow for a romantic connection to seem credible.
That's probably why I felt the ending lacked punch too. I got the impression the plan was going to involve some staged battle where both of them "died" and then slipped out and lived happy lives in obscurity, which would've fit the general subverted-epic feel quite fine. The current solution doesn't feel like it would be convincing to the mob who are convinced this is basically female Sauron (at one point they think Tiff might be bewitched by the Necromancer, so a kiss is not going to shift that suspicion). Plus the whole romance thing feels too arbitrary. I'm fine with you shaking things up, but there comes a point where it stops serving some broader theme and starts feeling like you're using ideas any old how. The ending was that point for me.
A minor point as well: I praise the prose, but it does falter at times. You generally seem to be going for a more timeless, classic use of language, befitting a heroic quest story. Then we get odd lines which suggest a more modern spin, such as Tiff calling the Queen "hot". Then on occasion we get high-falutin' words like "verbalize". I think you should commit one way or the other. If it's subversive you want, add more modern words or style to it. If it's classic you want, edit out stuff like that, because it will trip readers up. If you want to mix the two, even, then do it more often.
Despite my complaints, I'm not too hung up about the general muddled feel. In the end, I liked the twists and turns you were going for, and got more enjoyment out of it than frustration. Slip-ups or not, you kept me guessing, and that's gotta be worth something, right? I'd say... high mid-tier, possibly strong entry.
>>Posh
I'm sorry about crowding out the other competitors, Posh, yours included. At the time, I was used to submitting multiple entries within the rules, and since reviewing was optional I didn't think I was doing anything unexceptionable. Certainly no malice was intended; it caught me by surprise (an unpleasant one at that) to find out I was actually ruining the experience for others.
So if it's coming to that, then it's clear I simply can't continue writing like this. Again, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and the other people taking part, and will take steps to prevent it in the future.
I'm sorry about crowding out the other competitors, Posh, yours included. At the time, I was used to submitting multiple entries within the rules, and since reviewing was optional I didn't think I was doing anything unexceptionable. Certainly no malice was intended; it caught me by surprise (an unpleasant one at that) to find out I was actually ruining the experience for others.
So if it's coming to that, then it's clear I simply can't continue writing like this. Again, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and the other people taking part, and will take steps to prevent it in the future.
OK, so now everyone knows. Blue Chameleon VI wrote a bucketload of fics, as usual. Ain't that typical, does it every time, and all that. And to get this out of the way: I'm not gonna lie, I kinda like that reputation. It's something, after all. Fame or notoriety, it's something.
But the more I do it, the more I realize it's going to put me on par with a spambot. Plus I imagine some people will be getting suspicious around this point. Yes, I do write that all in the allotted time, though heck knows how I'd go about proving that. So I'm just gonna say a couple of things, to make my position clear.
Yes, I do set out to write more than two fics per contest. It started with my second event here - before then, I submitted one entry alone, and it didn't final. That second time, though, I was lucky enough to submit three, all of which finalled, one of which won a medal. And then I wrote a load again, and did well, and I thought, say, perhaps I could get into the habit of doing this. Sort of a self-imposed challenge. Plus it gets more comments in faster, because it was the trickle of comments which frustrated me when I submitted just one entry at the start. And I figured the more experience I got, the faster the improvements were likely to be. It's not like I set out to become a multi-entry writing machine. It just sort of happened because of all the perks, so often that I got used to it and even enjoyed it.
Still, this isn't ALL I wanted to be, and I feel I should say something to reassure people I do have good intentions in all this, honest. With one or two exceptions, I don't submit entries for laughs. I do want medals. For this event, I sat down and read Pascoite's blog about flashfiction (see below)* and how to write it well. I took notes and incorporated it into my planning stage. Every fic I submitted, even the lowest ranked ones, had those principles in mind.
Because I genuinely want to be a great writer. Not just a prolific one. I'm genuinely trying to claim medals to prove as such, because if I can combine quantity with quality, well, that would really be something. At the same time, I've noticed my initial surprising performance, if anything, seems to be less in evidence lately. And there's no escaping that I look bad compared to many who nail it in one go.
Fair's fair, I'm not doing terribly. I mean, more than half made it to finals. That's not nothing. I don't want to demean anyone else's performance in the contest, and I'm almost certainly being overambitious. I just can't help but feel a little disappointed - and, if I'm brutally honest, a little guilty - to see a range from 48th to 8th and to remember I spent as much time on the losers as on the winners. And that people had to read both.
Not forgetting the overcrowding issue. Since I single-handedly raised the total from 43 to 52, I'm obliged to apologize to anyone who saw that and went "HOW MANY!? Forget this, I'm off!" I didn't set out to put you off, believe me.
That plus the whole possible "reputation as a spambot" thing worries me a little, so I just wanted to say this in case anyone had the wrong idea. Or rather the right idea, just not the whole one.
A genuine congratulations to the writers who knocked it out of the park, especially >>Aragon for such a fantastic double-whammy. Well-played, good sir! I salute your efforts and your results, wholeheartedly, and wonder how you did it.
* This blog, to be precise: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/827477/writing-advice-flash-fiction-and-no-i-dont-mean-stories-about-flash-sentry-though-i-suppose-they-could-be
But the more I do it, the more I realize it's going to put me on par with a spambot. Plus I imagine some people will be getting suspicious around this point. Yes, I do write that all in the allotted time, though heck knows how I'd go about proving that. So I'm just gonna say a couple of things, to make my position clear.
Yes, I do set out to write more than two fics per contest. It started with my second event here - before then, I submitted one entry alone, and it didn't final. That second time, though, I was lucky enough to submit three, all of which finalled, one of which won a medal. And then I wrote a load again, and did well, and I thought, say, perhaps I could get into the habit of doing this. Sort of a self-imposed challenge. Plus it gets more comments in faster, because it was the trickle of comments which frustrated me when I submitted just one entry at the start. And I figured the more experience I got, the faster the improvements were likely to be. It's not like I set out to become a multi-entry writing machine. It just sort of happened because of all the perks, so often that I got used to it and even enjoyed it.
Still, this isn't ALL I wanted to be, and I feel I should say something to reassure people I do have good intentions in all this, honest. With one or two exceptions, I don't submit entries for laughs. I do want medals. For this event, I sat down and read Pascoite's blog about flashfiction (see below)* and how to write it well. I took notes and incorporated it into my planning stage. Every fic I submitted, even the lowest ranked ones, had those principles in mind.
Because I genuinely want to be a great writer. Not just a prolific one. I'm genuinely trying to claim medals to prove as such, because if I can combine quantity with quality, well, that would really be something. At the same time, I've noticed my initial surprising performance, if anything, seems to be less in evidence lately. And there's no escaping that I look bad compared to many who nail it in one go.
Fair's fair, I'm not doing terribly. I mean, more than half made it to finals. That's not nothing. I don't want to demean anyone else's performance in the contest, and I'm almost certainly being overambitious. I just can't help but feel a little disappointed - and, if I'm brutally honest, a little guilty - to see a range from 48th to 8th and to remember I spent as much time on the losers as on the winners. And that people had to read both.
Not forgetting the overcrowding issue. Since I single-handedly raised the total from 43 to 52, I'm obliged to apologize to anyone who saw that and went "HOW MANY!? Forget this, I'm off!" I didn't set out to put you off, believe me.
That plus the whole possible "reputation as a spambot" thing worries me a little, so I just wanted to say this in case anyone had the wrong idea. Or rather the right idea, just not the whole one.
A genuine congratulations to the writers who knocked it out of the park, especially >>Aragon for such a fantastic double-whammy. Well-played, good sir! I salute your efforts and your results, wholeheartedly, and wonder how you did it.
* This blog, to be precise: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/827477/writing-advice-flash-fiction-and-no-i-dont-mean-stories-about-flash-sentry-though-i-suppose-they-could-be
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