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This Sinking Feeling
‘You have one hour to navigate through this building. Be sure to note anything and everything, as it may save your life. You will be notified at the end of the given time of what will then happen.
You may escape through the five exits if you wish to leave at any point of your mission.
Good luck, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.’
It would’ve been nice if they gave me a clock or something to keep track of time. Even a bloody sundial would suffice if I was able to go outside.
I was jealous of whoever wrote this as they had nearly perfect cursive. I knew my name was to be in the blank space, my name being – ow! The note floated to the ground as I reached up to hold my head, trying to get rid of the nail-piercing headache. A couple minutes passed before I was able to see again. To see once again what was around me. It was about the size of a mansion’s living room, except without any color, furnishings, or decorations.
I leaned down and picked up the note again, my head still pulsing from the migraine. It was in cursive, and had little strokes at the end that gave it a professional cursive look. I slapped my hand on my face in realization of what was happening. And I read way too many stories of how well these experiments go. I gazed over myself, checking for anything different or odd. Both relieving and strange news that there was nothing of the sort. I was still in normal 21st century clothes, and to what I can tell, no experimental devices implanted just under my skin or cords sticking out.
There was a door to my left on the opposite wall, painted a few shades darker than the rest of the room. A non-stopping list of questions started to cross my mind. “Would the “exits” work?” was number one on said list. I sighed, as there was only one way of finding out. I just hoped I wouldn’t get shocked, poisoned… whatever happened when I tried thinking of my name.
After gazing around for any cameras, and luckily not finding any, I approached the mystery door. The doorknob was a dark silver and metallic, so was the center of the door of where a window would be. The door clicked as I turned the knob. I shielded my eyes from the light as the door opened all the way with little effort from me.
You know that feeling you get when you feel like you walked into the wrong room? That’s what struck me right as my eyes adjusted. There was an outside, like the building was a cottage in the quiet edge of an enchanted forest of sorts. Ahead of me was a dirt path that cut through much of the forest. Not much else was outside… which sort of disappointed my hopes that maybe this would be an adventure. I kept my ears alert as I reached over for the door. All I hit was air. A couple more reaches before I glanced behind me. The door wasn’t there. Neither was the building.
Something dark cast a large shadow as it soared over me. I ducked and shielded my head as it roared overhead. When I darted my eyes towards where it went, all I could make of it was a large, black sphere before it arced down into the ground in the distance. A loud poof sounded in sync with a shockwave that pushed me back a few feet. I felt my head hit the ground along with my back. Curiosity got the best of me as instincts told me to get up and back away from where my head was. If the shock wave pushed me one foot further, I would’ve fell presumingly to my death from a deep hole in the ground that had no bottom. Or… I would test if it was a bottomless pit if I had a stone to throw.
My mind juggled between the two mysteries and I thought them aloud to myself. “A deep, dark, dangerous cavern that could kill me on my landing. Or… going to investigate a possible UFO. That could also be dangerous… but it would be adventurous.” Both were tempting, as I always wanted to be in a story. Adventurer into the unknown, like all those heroes in books and movies. I slowly stood on my feet, shifting my weight so I wasn’t anywhere near the ghastly edge. “UFO it is!” I instructed my legs to run as fast as I could in the direction where the dark orb disappeared to.
I sprinted down the dirt path, actively keeping an ear out for any sounds other than my footsteps. Alien life forms, something not of this world. I couldn’t keep my grin off my face as I felt the ground decline through my sneakers. The dirt shifted underneath me, pushing me along with it down a slope that declined more as I continued. “W-whoa...” I stopped myself as a rock or something with quite a bit of weight fell over the edge. My feet stayed sideways as I studied how steep the drop went, my palms sweating as I felt my heart start to beat faster.
Ploop.
That was a definite no. Especially not when it echoes and it sounds like there’s water at the bottom. I lowered myself to sit on my heels, spreading my arms at my sides for balance as I tried to get a peek inside.
All I could see was darkness… wait a minute. I backed away and stood upright. Looking up, I came face to face with a cliff. The same exact one. How… how was this possible? At least one question got an answer. The chasm in the ground was not one that I could, or would, access and investigate further. It didn’t look like there were any walls either, just a vertical drop. Maybe coming down here wasn't the brightest idea for right now. There has to be a way back to where I came. Was this supposed to happen? Have I gone insane and started hallucinating? I shook my head. Whoever was putting up futuristic 3D holograms was doing a fantastic job at it, that’s for sure. Then again, it could be just my paranoia trying to interrupt my potential adventure. I peered behind me, wondering if this happened, of somehow appearing back here, something changed back there.
With some steady footwork and a dash of luck, I got out of terrifying path and back to the building. Only this time, I nearly tripped over some rusted railroad tracks... odd, as that wasn't there before. I looked from my feet back up to the building The exterior was also painted white, with several wooden doors along the walls. I could only see two of the walls from my angle, but there was a problem. Which door did I go through again?
Time was running out. I had no idea if ten or fifty minutes have passed. Which door it was didn’t matter now. I tried the first door, locked. Second door was a success, and I was inside right as thunder echoed in the distance. Storm? This early in the day? I hoped it wasn’t anything major, just a thunderstorm. Or was this like those other stories, where thunderstorms were an ominous sign. I glanced up and saw a paper waving in an invisible breeze, again taped to the wall. I pulled out the first note from my pocket and took the other paper off the wall. Same writing.
‘You went outside. How unfortunate. You should know how it goes from here. The 35 minutes that remains is all yours. I expect to see some progress with your new challenge.
Oh, did I mention that there is someone after you? Good luck, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.’
Everything inside me fell, maybe even color if I could see my own reflection. First things first is not to panic… but to explore. Maybe the note meant I had 35 minutes until a serial killer would hunt me down. At least that would be a tiny-bit reliving, but definitely not enough to get rid of the supposed doom already. I switched to reading the second note.
‘PS – Right now you’re also wondering who is writing these and seemingly knowing your every action despite there being no cameras. Sadly, theses no detectives who can find the owner of this writing anywhere. So... I suppose you do need a little luck after all.’
I folded the papers and put them in my pocket, sat down with my back in a corner, and waited with steady breathing. Let’s hope luck is on my side this time.
Heavy rain pounded the roof as I began my search. There was nothing really spectacular worth seeing, besides more white with nothing inside, but there are some facts I can point out that is odd. There are sixteen doors that go between five different rooms. Two larger rectangular rooms in the back, three slightly smaller rooms in the front. Suspicions about my surroundings piled up.
Five minutes passed, nothing. Ten minutes turned to twenty. I leaned against the corner, rereading the more recent note once I found my way back to the leftmost room where I woke up. My heart jumped when the lights turned off. There was no sounds of doors opening or footsteps. Staying completely still, not that there was much of a choice otherwise.
There was light again. Dull at first, but gradually grew brighter as the seconds passed into a full minute. Power outage, maybe? Thumps outside proved me gravely wrong. How was I supposed to fight this person off, or was it even a person? There were no weapons… and I didn’t want to trust my fists and feet with this situation. Thump! Thump! Thump! Heavy footsteps echoed inside. Not that far from me either. I held my breath and got a brilliant idea seconds later. If I knew I would be in this danger, I would’ve grabbed a stick and sharpened it to a spear or dagger.
Keeping my weight on my toes, I kept my fingertips on the wall as I rose back to my feet. I have no idea how insane I’d appear to someone else if they saw what was going through my head right now. I waited a minute or two, those seconds filled with void silence. One step forward, another step, still nothing.
Scritch scritch scritch. The footsteps now were some sort of claws, a door opening and that familiar click. Letting myself take a few much-needed breaths, I attempted to crawl my way to the back left room, while the creature was in the room to the right. The cold stillness sent chills through me, expecting for it to leap out and attack at any point. Upon closing the doors, I finally reached temporary success. Inhuman, sandpaper screams made my whole body tremble. The lights went off again. Sharp claws hit the only door connecting the two rooms together, the lack of windows not letting me see what was on the other side. A battle between curiosity and caution ensued. Should I open the door to a potential creature that can either do one of two things. Be as scared as I am and be a gone-wrong science experiment, or a gone-wrong science experiment that wanted to kill me. I voted for neither to happen.
More scurrying alerted me of the being’s movement. One of the three doors that led outside opened and shut in quick succession. My gut was right to turn away from the door and watch the outside… or where I thought outside was in the dark.
The metal doorknob shook once. Twice. The third attempt made the door open, and instructed me to back up against the wall. I stared at the backlit creature. The door hit the wall and sizzled into an opaque liquid. The monster stared at me with hollow eyes. Its digitigrade legs stretched, its head almost touched the top of the doorway. Behind a thin layer of white hair showed a half-melted skull that. I wanted to try and speak, but words refused to form. My vision started to darken with every step the creature took.
Its arms and legs were the same as at a tarantula's. Every joint had rusted metal cuffs, including its neck. In desperation, I pushed it off me, blindly hoping it would work.. It stumbled back and squealed before it caught itself with its arms, collapsed on its side. The lights flickered, giving me enough light to see more than a silhouette. It was like a human, except for the scarlet stains that covered the beast. Bones protruded through skin, and three snake-like tails lined along its spine.
Growls told me that it was probably time to leave. I did not hesitate to follow through as I ran past the thing and rushed out the now permanently open door, to where I thought was the outside. It was not. It was back to where I was before, in the first room. The door was back in its place, and locked when I tried opening it. This time, it had a window. The lights never recovered, although I wish they would as I saw ‘it’ looking at me dead in the eyes. It bolted towards me and clawed at the door, peering through the window. On instinct, I put my shaking hand on the glass panel that I hoped was indestructible.Upon my fingertip's coming into contact with the smooth surface, the lights flickered, undetermined to stay on or off.
Another warped scream bellowed out through the door, louder this time that I had to cover my ears. The voice descended, slowly disappearing back to a shrill quiet. I mentally prepared myself for a jumpscare and peeked through the window. Although it wasn't a jumpscare, it made me jump and take a few steps away from the door. One moment there was a creature, now just a large, gaping pit where it once stood. A part of my chest felt heavy for letting it happen to another living creature, whether or not it was reanimated or something else... and it strangely doesn't feel like the first time this feeling has happened.
The lights were fully working again once I went back to the beginning. Once I was okay and breathing normally again, I didn’t believe what I saw. The creature was gone with no trace of where it went... besides being swallowed by that huge hole. Was that just an illusion? Was any of that real? None of this made sense… maybe there’s another note somewhere?
After scouring the building, I did find one more piece of paper taped to the wall, in the front left room.
“You’re needed somewhere else now. A train will pick you up and bring you there. Everything can then be explained. Good luck - I believe you have all the luck you need, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.”
The handwriting was no longer neat, but it a rushed penned scrawl, with the words "Good luck" crossed out. Again, there was no name. I didn’t know how to respond… first I wake up here, finding notes around the place and being mentally tested. It felt like some sort of time-space warp.
The ground rumbled as a familiar click-clack came closer to this strange place. Putting the third note with the other two, I exited the room, hopefully for the final time. The train’s whistle brought pleasure to my ears. Trains mean travel, and travel means adventure and mysteries to solve. The anticipation kept building up as I closed the door to this wretched asylum building. Folding my arms on my back to keep myself at least physically constrained, I noticed clouds of steam above the trees. The mighty yet strange train finally came into view.
The first idea to describe it is if I was boarding the Polar Express, like the movie I saw when I was a child. What first got me to wonder, “what else is out there?” Coincidentally, the train itself looked similar. Painted black, a dozen passenger cars trailing behind it with white roofs. It came to a gradual stop a few yards away from me. The railroad and the train both polished like they were just built.
For a moment, this seemed too real to be reality. Not that I’m complaining, this was actually fun… besides the whole almost facing Mother Nature’s nightmare. The doors of the train opened, and I stepped inside. The interr made me gasp. The windows were covered with a thick black cloth. I shook away the confusion before the doors shut. I felt something being off, and realized that I was rubbing my arms for the past few minutes from the sudden chill of uneasiness.
There was a row of seats on each wall, with light blue wallpaper behind it. Compared to the other place, at least this seemed more homely. A messenger bag caught my attention as I sat down at one of the seats. There was another note taped to the front, in the center of a rather large white mandala pattern on the blue fabric. Different handwriting, this time reminding me of the Papyrus font. Smooth, but not pish-posh perfect like the cursive was.
‘Open this and questions can be answered. (Hopefully)’
A small smile crawled on my face. At least this message seemed to be kinder. I unlatched and flipped open the bag and picked up the items that I saw. Sadly, they still refused to give me a watch or some time-keeping device. Medications to cure psychological deprivation existed, but devices to track time were apparently hard to come by. What was inside was a white feather, a rather large notebook that looked like a sketchbook at first glance, and a flower that was stuck in the spine of the notebook. A black rose.
I took out the rose and put it beside me and opened the notebook, not knowing what the feather was for. “Sort of strange that there would be a quill, but no inkwell… or even if it's supposed to be a quill.” Right on the other side of the notebook was a folded paper, a bit different than the copy paper tear-outs I’ve been receiving. Folded in three like it was to go in an envelope, but it was only taped. My jaw dropped slightly at what it said.
“Read quickly and listen well. I know you have questions. To be honest, so do I. Although right now there’s a bit of a predicament with communication, but you’ll have to trust me.
Everything you are seeing is, indeed, reality. All of it. No simulation or whizzy virtual reality. What I can say is that you were selected as a sort of “guinea pig”… although you’ve probably already guessed already. The experiment: Space-Time Transportation. That train you’re sitting in – which I’m assuming is moving as you’re reading this – is a specialized vehicle. If I were to explain any more than that, your mind would implode at my tech-babbling. Your task at hand is to follow something called the Crypt. Communication with anyone will be difficult, so I hope you’re able to sustain yourself during this. You’ll know the pattern when you see it.
Trust me. You will be fine... although safety I can’t quite promise. But you nearly gotten eaten by that underground creature in that hole you found, so I believe you’re capable of managing yourself. Here’s just a little bit of info you may need to know if you do meet any beings in these other EWs, or encrypted universes. The only thing you need to change is your name.
For now, be safe, and good luck. You may want to keep that rose near you, as it's supposed to change color in every new world you enter."
“An adventure, you say?” I stared at the words I just read, not believing them in two ways. One half of my mind is on a complete sugar-rushed hype other this new mission. A chance to get away from being a typical teen girl in the 21st century. The other half telling me to calm the heck down and take this with caution. I wanted both of them to shut up. And they did, as well as my own thoughts as I read the very bottom, this time the writing being a bit hurried.
'And to be on the safe side, even though I am not meant to allow you to know this... you've been in social isolation for roughly three days. There will still be some illusions for the next few hours, but that should go away soon. Before you woke up today, I made sure that most of the effects would be taken care of with special medication, so at least the more life-threatening symptoms would go away.'
I sighed and leaned my head on the back of the finally glad to see a more friendly face… or, in this case, letter. Pushing aside the social isolation, which I guess what triggered the monster to appear, I took out the previous three notes and put them in a black cloth pocket inside the bag. "Hm?" The back of my nails clicked against glass, then trailed against what felt like a wooden picture frame. "How did I miss this?"
I took the picture out, and almost immediately memories started to return. In the picture were my parents, each standing behind a girl with a proud smile. The girl sat up straight in the chair, looking directly into the camera with hazel eyes and straight, vanilla hair that cascaded past her waist. There was a reason why all this was happening. It has been one year since a sinkhole let me live, but swallowed my life away. I snapped out of my memory to find the photo stained with water droplets. My cheeks were damp, my hands trembling and refusing to keep the photo still.
I shook my head and breathed. No. Not now. I was going to go somewhere else, someplace where I could finally have an adventure of my own. I was in my own story. I put the photo back where it was and closed the bag. Swinging the strap over my head and across my shoulders, I pushed it to my side, keeping it close to me. I won't let anyone else fall. The only way now was to follow these train tracks and go forward. For me... "Sharon".
You may escape through the five exits if you wish to leave at any point of your mission.
Good luck, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.’
It would’ve been nice if they gave me a clock or something to keep track of time. Even a bloody sundial would suffice if I was able to go outside.
I was jealous of whoever wrote this as they had nearly perfect cursive. I knew my name was to be in the blank space, my name being – ow! The note floated to the ground as I reached up to hold my head, trying to get rid of the nail-piercing headache. A couple minutes passed before I was able to see again. To see once again what was around me. It was about the size of a mansion’s living room, except without any color, furnishings, or decorations.
I leaned down and picked up the note again, my head still pulsing from the migraine. It was in cursive, and had little strokes at the end that gave it a professional cursive look. I slapped my hand on my face in realization of what was happening. And I read way too many stories of how well these experiments go. I gazed over myself, checking for anything different or odd. Both relieving and strange news that there was nothing of the sort. I was still in normal 21st century clothes, and to what I can tell, no experimental devices implanted just under my skin or cords sticking out.
There was a door to my left on the opposite wall, painted a few shades darker than the rest of the room. A non-stopping list of questions started to cross my mind. “Would the “exits” work?” was number one on said list. I sighed, as there was only one way of finding out. I just hoped I wouldn’t get shocked, poisoned… whatever happened when I tried thinking of my name.
After gazing around for any cameras, and luckily not finding any, I approached the mystery door. The doorknob was a dark silver and metallic, so was the center of the door of where a window would be. The door clicked as I turned the knob. I shielded my eyes from the light as the door opened all the way with little effort from me.
You know that feeling you get when you feel like you walked into the wrong room? That’s what struck me right as my eyes adjusted. There was an outside, like the building was a cottage in the quiet edge of an enchanted forest of sorts. Ahead of me was a dirt path that cut through much of the forest. Not much else was outside… which sort of disappointed my hopes that maybe this would be an adventure. I kept my ears alert as I reached over for the door. All I hit was air. A couple more reaches before I glanced behind me. The door wasn’t there. Neither was the building.
Something dark cast a large shadow as it soared over me. I ducked and shielded my head as it roared overhead. When I darted my eyes towards where it went, all I could make of it was a large, black sphere before it arced down into the ground in the distance. A loud poof sounded in sync with a shockwave that pushed me back a few feet. I felt my head hit the ground along with my back. Curiosity got the best of me as instincts told me to get up and back away from where my head was. If the shock wave pushed me one foot further, I would’ve fell presumingly to my death from a deep hole in the ground that had no bottom. Or… I would test if it was a bottomless pit if I had a stone to throw.
My mind juggled between the two mysteries and I thought them aloud to myself. “A deep, dark, dangerous cavern that could kill me on my landing. Or… going to investigate a possible UFO. That could also be dangerous… but it would be adventurous.” Both were tempting, as I always wanted to be in a story. Adventurer into the unknown, like all those heroes in books and movies. I slowly stood on my feet, shifting my weight so I wasn’t anywhere near the ghastly edge. “UFO it is!” I instructed my legs to run as fast as I could in the direction where the dark orb disappeared to.
I sprinted down the dirt path, actively keeping an ear out for any sounds other than my footsteps. Alien life forms, something not of this world. I couldn’t keep my grin off my face as I felt the ground decline through my sneakers. The dirt shifted underneath me, pushing me along with it down a slope that declined more as I continued. “W-whoa...” I stopped myself as a rock or something with quite a bit of weight fell over the edge. My feet stayed sideways as I studied how steep the drop went, my palms sweating as I felt my heart start to beat faster.
Ploop.
That was a definite no. Especially not when it echoes and it sounds like there’s water at the bottom. I lowered myself to sit on my heels, spreading my arms at my sides for balance as I tried to get a peek inside.
All I could see was darkness… wait a minute. I backed away and stood upright. Looking up, I came face to face with a cliff. The same exact one. How… how was this possible? At least one question got an answer. The chasm in the ground was not one that I could, or would, access and investigate further. It didn’t look like there were any walls either, just a vertical drop. Maybe coming down here wasn't the brightest idea for right now. There has to be a way back to where I came. Was this supposed to happen? Have I gone insane and started hallucinating? I shook my head. Whoever was putting up futuristic 3D holograms was doing a fantastic job at it, that’s for sure. Then again, it could be just my paranoia trying to interrupt my potential adventure. I peered behind me, wondering if this happened, of somehow appearing back here, something changed back there.
With some steady footwork and a dash of luck, I got out of terrifying path and back to the building. Only this time, I nearly tripped over some rusted railroad tracks... odd, as that wasn't there before. I looked from my feet back up to the building The exterior was also painted white, with several wooden doors along the walls. I could only see two of the walls from my angle, but there was a problem. Which door did I go through again?
Time was running out. I had no idea if ten or fifty minutes have passed. Which door it was didn’t matter now. I tried the first door, locked. Second door was a success, and I was inside right as thunder echoed in the distance. Storm? This early in the day? I hoped it wasn’t anything major, just a thunderstorm. Or was this like those other stories, where thunderstorms were an ominous sign. I glanced up and saw a paper waving in an invisible breeze, again taped to the wall. I pulled out the first note from my pocket and took the other paper off the wall. Same writing.
‘You went outside. How unfortunate. You should know how it goes from here. The 35 minutes that remains is all yours. I expect to see some progress with your new challenge.
Oh, did I mention that there is someone after you? Good luck, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.’
Everything inside me fell, maybe even color if I could see my own reflection. First things first is not to panic… but to explore. Maybe the note meant I had 35 minutes until a serial killer would hunt me down. At least that would be a tiny-bit reliving, but definitely not enough to get rid of the supposed doom already. I switched to reading the second note.
‘PS – Right now you’re also wondering who is writing these and seemingly knowing your every action despite there being no cameras. Sadly, theses no detectives who can find the owner of this writing anywhere. So... I suppose you do need a little luck after all.’
I folded the papers and put them in my pocket, sat down with my back in a corner, and waited with steady breathing. Let’s hope luck is on my side this time.
Heavy rain pounded the roof as I began my search. There was nothing really spectacular worth seeing, besides more white with nothing inside, but there are some facts I can point out that is odd. There are sixteen doors that go between five different rooms. Two larger rectangular rooms in the back, three slightly smaller rooms in the front. Suspicions about my surroundings piled up.
Five minutes passed, nothing. Ten minutes turned to twenty. I leaned against the corner, rereading the more recent note once I found my way back to the leftmost room where I woke up. My heart jumped when the lights turned off. There was no sounds of doors opening or footsteps. Staying completely still, not that there was much of a choice otherwise.
There was light again. Dull at first, but gradually grew brighter as the seconds passed into a full minute. Power outage, maybe? Thumps outside proved me gravely wrong. How was I supposed to fight this person off, or was it even a person? There were no weapons… and I didn’t want to trust my fists and feet with this situation. Thump! Thump! Thump! Heavy footsteps echoed inside. Not that far from me either. I held my breath and got a brilliant idea seconds later. If I knew I would be in this danger, I would’ve grabbed a stick and sharpened it to a spear or dagger.
Keeping my weight on my toes, I kept my fingertips on the wall as I rose back to my feet. I have no idea how insane I’d appear to someone else if they saw what was going through my head right now. I waited a minute or two, those seconds filled with void silence. One step forward, another step, still nothing.
Scritch scritch scritch. The footsteps now were some sort of claws, a door opening and that familiar click. Letting myself take a few much-needed breaths, I attempted to crawl my way to the back left room, while the creature was in the room to the right. The cold stillness sent chills through me, expecting for it to leap out and attack at any point. Upon closing the doors, I finally reached temporary success. Inhuman, sandpaper screams made my whole body tremble. The lights went off again. Sharp claws hit the only door connecting the two rooms together, the lack of windows not letting me see what was on the other side. A battle between curiosity and caution ensued. Should I open the door to a potential creature that can either do one of two things. Be as scared as I am and be a gone-wrong science experiment, or a gone-wrong science experiment that wanted to kill me. I voted for neither to happen.
More scurrying alerted me of the being’s movement. One of the three doors that led outside opened and shut in quick succession. My gut was right to turn away from the door and watch the outside… or where I thought outside was in the dark.
The metal doorknob shook once. Twice. The third attempt made the door open, and instructed me to back up against the wall. I stared at the backlit creature. The door hit the wall and sizzled into an opaque liquid. The monster stared at me with hollow eyes. Its digitigrade legs stretched, its head almost touched the top of the doorway. Behind a thin layer of white hair showed a half-melted skull that. I wanted to try and speak, but words refused to form. My vision started to darken with every step the creature took.
Its arms and legs were the same as at a tarantula's. Every joint had rusted metal cuffs, including its neck. In desperation, I pushed it off me, blindly hoping it would work.. It stumbled back and squealed before it caught itself with its arms, collapsed on its side. The lights flickered, giving me enough light to see more than a silhouette. It was like a human, except for the scarlet stains that covered the beast. Bones protruded through skin, and three snake-like tails lined along its spine.
Growls told me that it was probably time to leave. I did not hesitate to follow through as I ran past the thing and rushed out the now permanently open door, to where I thought was the outside. It was not. It was back to where I was before, in the first room. The door was back in its place, and locked when I tried opening it. This time, it had a window. The lights never recovered, although I wish they would as I saw ‘it’ looking at me dead in the eyes. It bolted towards me and clawed at the door, peering through the window. On instinct, I put my shaking hand on the glass panel that I hoped was indestructible.Upon my fingertip's coming into contact with the smooth surface, the lights flickered, undetermined to stay on or off.
Another warped scream bellowed out through the door, louder this time that I had to cover my ears. The voice descended, slowly disappearing back to a shrill quiet. I mentally prepared myself for a jumpscare and peeked through the window. Although it wasn't a jumpscare, it made me jump and take a few steps away from the door. One moment there was a creature, now just a large, gaping pit where it once stood. A part of my chest felt heavy for letting it happen to another living creature, whether or not it was reanimated or something else... and it strangely doesn't feel like the first time this feeling has happened.
The lights were fully working again once I went back to the beginning. Once I was okay and breathing normally again, I didn’t believe what I saw. The creature was gone with no trace of where it went... besides being swallowed by that huge hole. Was that just an illusion? Was any of that real? None of this made sense… maybe there’s another note somewhere?
After scouring the building, I did find one more piece of paper taped to the wall, in the front left room.
“You’re needed somewhere else now. A train will pick you up and bring you there. Everything can then be explained. Good luck - I believe you have all the luck you need, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.”
The handwriting was no longer neat, but it a rushed penned scrawl, with the words "Good luck" crossed out. Again, there was no name. I didn’t know how to respond… first I wake up here, finding notes around the place and being mentally tested. It felt like some sort of time-space warp.
The ground rumbled as a familiar click-clack came closer to this strange place. Putting the third note with the other two, I exited the room, hopefully for the final time. The train’s whistle brought pleasure to my ears. Trains mean travel, and travel means adventure and mysteries to solve. The anticipation kept building up as I closed the door to this wretched asylum building. Folding my arms on my back to keep myself at least physically constrained, I noticed clouds of steam above the trees. The mighty yet strange train finally came into view.
The first idea to describe it is if I was boarding the Polar Express, like the movie I saw when I was a child. What first got me to wonder, “what else is out there?” Coincidentally, the train itself looked similar. Painted black, a dozen passenger cars trailing behind it with white roofs. It came to a gradual stop a few yards away from me. The railroad and the train both polished like they were just built.
For a moment, this seemed too real to be reality. Not that I’m complaining, this was actually fun… besides the whole almost facing Mother Nature’s nightmare. The doors of the train opened, and I stepped inside. The interr made me gasp. The windows were covered with a thick black cloth. I shook away the confusion before the doors shut. I felt something being off, and realized that I was rubbing my arms for the past few minutes from the sudden chill of uneasiness.
There was a row of seats on each wall, with light blue wallpaper behind it. Compared to the other place, at least this seemed more homely. A messenger bag caught my attention as I sat down at one of the seats. There was another note taped to the front, in the center of a rather large white mandala pattern on the blue fabric. Different handwriting, this time reminding me of the Papyrus font. Smooth, but not pish-posh perfect like the cursive was.
‘Open this and questions can be answered. (Hopefully)’
A small smile crawled on my face. At least this message seemed to be kinder. I unlatched and flipped open the bag and picked up the items that I saw. Sadly, they still refused to give me a watch or some time-keeping device. Medications to cure psychological deprivation existed, but devices to track time were apparently hard to come by. What was inside was a white feather, a rather large notebook that looked like a sketchbook at first glance, and a flower that was stuck in the spine of the notebook. A black rose.
I took out the rose and put it beside me and opened the notebook, not knowing what the feather was for. “Sort of strange that there would be a quill, but no inkwell… or even if it's supposed to be a quill.” Right on the other side of the notebook was a folded paper, a bit different than the copy paper tear-outs I’ve been receiving. Folded in three like it was to go in an envelope, but it was only taped. My jaw dropped slightly at what it said.
“Read quickly and listen well. I know you have questions. To be honest, so do I. Although right now there’s a bit of a predicament with communication, but you’ll have to trust me.
Everything you are seeing is, indeed, reality. All of it. No simulation or whizzy virtual reality. What I can say is that you were selected as a sort of “guinea pig”… although you’ve probably already guessed already. The experiment: Space-Time Transportation. That train you’re sitting in – which I’m assuming is moving as you’re reading this – is a specialized vehicle. If I were to explain any more than that, your mind would implode at my tech-babbling. Your task at hand is to follow something called the Crypt. Communication with anyone will be difficult, so I hope you’re able to sustain yourself during this. You’ll know the pattern when you see it.
Trust me. You will be fine... although safety I can’t quite promise. But you nearly gotten eaten by that underground creature in that hole you found, so I believe you’re capable of managing yourself. Here’s just a little bit of info you may need to know if you do meet any beings in these other EWs, or encrypted universes. The only thing you need to change is your name.
For now, be safe, and good luck. You may want to keep that rose near you, as it's supposed to change color in every new world you enter."
“An adventure, you say?” I stared at the words I just read, not believing them in two ways. One half of my mind is on a complete sugar-rushed hype other this new mission. A chance to get away from being a typical teen girl in the 21st century. The other half telling me to calm the heck down and take this with caution. I wanted both of them to shut up. And they did, as well as my own thoughts as I read the very bottom, this time the writing being a bit hurried.
'And to be on the safe side, even though I am not meant to allow you to know this... you've been in social isolation for roughly three days. There will still be some illusions for the next few hours, but that should go away soon. Before you woke up today, I made sure that most of the effects would be taken care of with special medication, so at least the more life-threatening symptoms would go away.'
I sighed and leaned my head on the back of the finally glad to see a more friendly face… or, in this case, letter. Pushing aside the social isolation, which I guess what triggered the monster to appear, I took out the previous three notes and put them in a black cloth pocket inside the bag. "Hm?" The back of my nails clicked against glass, then trailed against what felt like a wooden picture frame. "How did I miss this?"
I took the picture out, and almost immediately memories started to return. In the picture were my parents, each standing behind a girl with a proud smile. The girl sat up straight in the chair, looking directly into the camera with hazel eyes and straight, vanilla hair that cascaded past her waist. There was a reason why all this was happening. It has been one year since a sinkhole let me live, but swallowed my life away. I snapped out of my memory to find the photo stained with water droplets. My cheeks were damp, my hands trembling and refusing to keep the photo still.
I shook my head and breathed. No. Not now. I was going to go somewhere else, someplace where I could finally have an adventure of my own. I was in my own story. I put the photo back where it was and closed the bag. Swinging the strap over my head and across my shoulders, I pushed it to my side, keeping it close to me. I won't let anyone else fall. The only way now was to follow these train tracks and go forward. For me... "Sharon".
This Sinking Feeling
I thought the main mystery here and its resolution were pretty cool. But there are two big flaws.
First, you load up the story with too many other mysteries at the beginning. Who is the narrator? What's her name? What's happened to her? Why does she think this is an adventure? What's with the house? What's with the inconstant landscape? What's with the notes? There's so much up in the air, and so little solidity left to hold on to, that the confusion quickly goes past teasing into annoying. It doesn't help that at the end, a good chunk of these mysteries are still unresolved.
Second, we spend far too much time just wondering about aimlessly in a random landscape. This quickly becomes a drag because there's no sense of forward motion. And there's no real need for it. A couple of significant lurches frustrating the protagonist would drive home the mystery just as well, but be less confusing.
All that said, you've got a fun setup here. I think you just need to give the reader a bit more structure to hang on to while you assault them with unknowns.
EDIT: There also a couple of times where the narration slips into present tense. You might want to look into that. Unless it's intentional, in which case I'm missing the significance.
I thought the main mystery here and its resolution were pretty cool. But there are two big flaws.
First, you load up the story with too many other mysteries at the beginning. Who is the narrator? What's her name? What's happened to her? Why does she think this is an adventure? What's with the house? What's with the inconstant landscape? What's with the notes? There's so much up in the air, and so little solidity left to hold on to, that the confusion quickly goes past teasing into annoying. It doesn't help that at the end, a good chunk of these mysteries are still unresolved.
Second, we spend far too much time just wondering about aimlessly in a random landscape. This quickly becomes a drag because there's no sense of forward motion. And there's no real need for it. A couple of significant lurches frustrating the protagonist would drive home the mystery just as well, but be less confusing.
All that said, you've got a fun setup here. I think you just need to give the reader a bit more structure to hang on to while you assault them with unknowns.
EDIT: There also a couple of times where the narration slips into present tense. You might want to look into that. Unless it's intentional, in which case I'm missing the significance.
I'm really confused here. I think this is the sort of thing that would work far better in visual format than it does in text. I'm a little unmoored as it is, though I admit it would be difficult to really describe all the things that are going on in a more complete way. The most important goal in writing--and in a way, most difficult--is to be clear, and communicate your story to the reader.
I think if you let the individual scenes breathe more, injected more detail and nuance before subverting expectations and changing things, you'd have more success. Really, you need to cut the things happening here by at least half, if not more.
Having reached the ending now, this didn't really come together for me. At its best, this reminded me of 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors. But you lose a lot of the spookiness by it just being so comprehensively disjointed that everything ceases to make sense. If you want to exploit the tension between the normal and the inexplicably strange, you need to have a basis in the normal to begin with. You've got the ideas going on here, and I can tell that there's strong visualization in your own head. It just takes a certain combination of practice, and revision, and luck to convey all of that to the reader in the perfect way.
I think if you let the individual scenes breathe more, injected more detail and nuance before subverting expectations and changing things, you'd have more success. Really, you need to cut the things happening here by at least half, if not more.
Having reached the ending now, this didn't really come together for me. At its best, this reminded me of 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors. But you lose a lot of the spookiness by it just being so comprehensively disjointed that everything ceases to make sense. If you want to exploit the tension between the normal and the inexplicably strange, you need to have a basis in the normal to begin with. You've got the ideas going on here, and I can tell that there's strong visualization in your own head. It just takes a certain combination of practice, and revision, and luck to convey all of that to the reader in the perfect way.
Hokay, next up.
Author, I'd like you to do me a favor. Take that thesaurus you have next to you, belt it shut, and then throw it down a well.
It's not that I didn't understand the complicated words you used, it's that those words really don't have any place in fiction that isn't hard science fiction. And even then. Less is more when it comes to vocabulary, and there's a real tradeoff that takes place between precision in language and readability in prose. I shouldn't have to remember that 'digitigrade' means an animal leg that stands on toes, especially in the middle of what is supposed to be visceral description of a monster. It drags you right out of a story to stumble over stuff like this, and adds nothing, especially considering there was a much more immediate and helpful simile of 'tarantula legs' in the following paragraph.
In addition to the complex words, there's quite a bit of grammar clean-up that could be done. Whole thing needs a good, solid pass-through of scrubbing to get rid of awkward sentences and errors, and then it should flow better.
As for the story itself, I'm afraid I've been left quite confused. She wakes up someplace, kinda treats it like it might be a video game or something, there's a forest and a UFO, a deep pit, a bunch of room,s and a spidersnakebonemonster trying to eat her, then she's on a train, and there are unhelpful notes, and I just do not know what is going on. Part of that is the description of actions are a little spatially ungrounded and it's difficult at times to follow who is where and what is actually happening, but there's also little in the way of direct explanation of anything. It's a test, but for what exactly? What exactly did the test entail? What exactly was the test even? Why did she react the way she did to things? After passing the test and setting off, what did that entail? What would a reader even presuppose would be happening next? Not a ton of answers here, and it leaves the story kind of fuzzy.
Author, I'd like you to do me a favor. Take that thesaurus you have next to you, belt it shut, and then throw it down a well.
It's not that I didn't understand the complicated words you used, it's that those words really don't have any place in fiction that isn't hard science fiction. And even then. Less is more when it comes to vocabulary, and there's a real tradeoff that takes place between precision in language and readability in prose. I shouldn't have to remember that 'digitigrade' means an animal leg that stands on toes, especially in the middle of what is supposed to be visceral description of a monster. It drags you right out of a story to stumble over stuff like this, and adds nothing, especially considering there was a much more immediate and helpful simile of 'tarantula legs' in the following paragraph.
In addition to the complex words, there's quite a bit of grammar clean-up that could be done. Whole thing needs a good, solid pass-through of scrubbing to get rid of awkward sentences and errors, and then it should flow better.
As for the story itself, I'm afraid I've been left quite confused. She wakes up someplace, kinda treats it like it might be a video game or something, there's a forest and a UFO, a deep pit, a bunch of room,s and a spidersnakebonemonster trying to eat her, then she's on a train, and there are unhelpful notes, and I just do not know what is going on. Part of that is the description of actions are a little spatially ungrounded and it's difficult at times to follow who is where and what is actually happening, but there's also little in the way of direct explanation of anything. It's a test, but for what exactly? What exactly did the test entail? What exactly was the test even? Why did she react the way she did to things? After passing the test and setting off, what did that entail? What would a reader even presuppose would be happening next? Not a ton of answers here, and it leaves the story kind of fuzzy.
Unfortunately, author, I've got to join the chorus that the story here just feels too aimless as presented. Others have covered that well, so I'll try to offer some concrete suggestions.
1) The most critical thing jolting me out of my reading was, multiple times, to be given what felt like a complete description of the protagonist's surroundings, only to be informed of an extremely crucial element later on which was never initially mentioned. Such as:
We are shown a generic outside-of-the-cottage scene and told there's nothing exceptional about the scene. In that first paragraph, we discover at the same time as the character that the house has disappeared — this is not problematic. (I would have liked to have seen more of the protagonist's reaction to this apparently rule-changing happenstance, but based on the protagonist's actions, clearly the disappearance was as much of a surprise to them as us.) However, in the next paragraph, we are shown a UFO hurtling across the sky, and then suddenly the protagonist reacts to a change in scenery we're never shown, dodging a hole that was not previously there, and we don't know what she's doing until after she's safe.
This is a big no-no. Your descriptions are the only way that readers have of putting themselves into the story. If the protagonist knows more than the reader, and takes action based on that hidden knowledge, we literally have no way of following along with the story. Hiding information about your world so that we know less than the character, if you're going to do it at all, should be rare and deliberate — such as building up unreliable narration, characterizing the narrator by what they're omitting, and even then it can be risky. (The characterization effect of your narrator not mentioning the holes, right now, is an implication that she wasn't shocked by them, which means she knows a lot more about what's going on than she's telling us, which is frustrating as a reader and ruins the impact of her own search for answers by making it look insincere.)
2) The protagonist, like us, is being blindly dropped into a situation with very unusual rules. You specifically imply at one point that she's from 21st century Earth. So the expectation your readers will have is that the laws of physics should work the way that we're used to — and more importantly, that any deviation from those rules is exceptional and worthy of mention and analysis.
Why do I mention this? Because your protagonist is not reacting that way. See directly above for one example, but a bigger one would be their casual acceptance (upon waking up and reading the note) of being dumped amnesiac into a crazy house with a "mission" and the deliberate inability to remember their name. What's the last thing they do remember? Clearly they know something of their previous life if they can offhandedly reference "normal 21st century clothes". If I woke up in that position, I know I'd be awfully concerned about the deliberate block on my memories — maybe there's a legitimate reason for whoever's running the show to do that to me, but it's a pretty clear indication that there is someone pulling the strings, and the note didn't even make an attempt to explain. I know you characterize your protag. as someone looking for adventure, but even so, this setup feels super manipulative, and the fact that she's shrugging and playing along with that is breaking my engagement hard.
This is reinforced in a huge way when she's forced back into the house and the second note mocks her for trying to escape. AT THAT POINT THIS IS NOT A GAME. To your credit, there's some of that sense of tension during the monster scene, but then the note tells her to go to the train and suddenly her reaction again is "Trains mean travel, and travel means adventure!" This is NOT how to react when some sort of psychopath is getting you to dance through his strings in a virtual world.
3. Work on figuring out in your own head what the actual rules here are, so that you can give us more of a sense of consistency in the bizarre happenings of your story — and so that your protagonist figuring out the rules can feel like progress. For instance, there's the repeated motif of random holes appearing. She almost falls into one as the UFO passes overhead, and then a second one as she tries to go to the UFO. Then there's a third hole that opens up and kills the monster. There's never any sense of what caused those to appear, which robs you of a significant moment here — the monster's death feels totally arbitrary, and yet the note congratulates her as if she'd scored some kind of victory. I would have loved to see those first two holes lead her to some sort of realization of how to get them to appear, and then upon realizing that the monster was tracking her down, and that she had no methods of self-defense, to lure it someplace where she knew she could take an action that would get a hole to appear. That would have made the congratulations feel less hollow — she's starting to master her environment — and perhaps given more impact to your second twist, that of the second set of notes showing up once she'd foiled the plans of the first.
Overall, this bizarre-world-excuse-plot sort of progression can work for a medium like an adventure game, because even if the player isn't invested in what's going on, they have agency in the trial and error that they are using to solve the puzzles, and can start to build a picture of the world's rules through their own actions. With a static medium like a story, all we can do is see what you're explicitly showing us, so you can't just Solve Problems and trust that to carry readers' attention. We want to feel like there's a greater context in which the problems matter — something at stake that needs to be resolved, rather than just "having an adventure" — and everything in the story pulling its weight toward that exploration of how the central question will go.
Tier: Needs Work
1) The most critical thing jolting me out of my reading was, multiple times, to be given what felt like a complete description of the protagonist's surroundings, only to be informed of an extremely crucial element later on which was never initially mentioned. Such as:
You know that feeling you get when you feel like you walked into the wrong room? That’s what struck me right as my eyes adjusted. There was an outside, like the building was a cottage in the quiet edge of an enchanted forest of sorts. Ahead of me was a dirt path that cut through much of the forest. Not much else was outside… which sort of disappointed my hopes that maybe this would be an adventure. I kept my ears alert as I reached over for the door. All I hit was air. A couple more reaches before I glanced behind me. The door wasn’t there. Neither was the building.
Something dark cast a large shadow as it soared over me. I ducked and shielded my head as it roared overhead. When I darted my eyes towards where it went, all I could make of it was a large, black sphere before it arced down into the ground in the distance. A loud poof sounded in sync with a shockwave that pushed me back a few feet. I felt my head hit the ground along with my back. Curiosity got the best of me as instincts told me to get up and back away from where my head was. If the shock wave pushed me one foot further, I would’ve fell presumingly to my death from a deep hole in the ground that had no bottom.
We are shown a generic outside-of-the-cottage scene and told there's nothing exceptional about the scene. In that first paragraph, we discover at the same time as the character that the house has disappeared — this is not problematic. (I would have liked to have seen more of the protagonist's reaction to this apparently rule-changing happenstance, but based on the protagonist's actions, clearly the disappearance was as much of a surprise to them as us.) However, in the next paragraph, we are shown a UFO hurtling across the sky, and then suddenly the protagonist reacts to a change in scenery we're never shown, dodging a hole that was not previously there, and we don't know what she's doing until after she's safe.
This is a big no-no. Your descriptions are the only way that readers have of putting themselves into the story. If the protagonist knows more than the reader, and takes action based on that hidden knowledge, we literally have no way of following along with the story. Hiding information about your world so that we know less than the character, if you're going to do it at all, should be rare and deliberate — such as building up unreliable narration, characterizing the narrator by what they're omitting, and even then it can be risky. (The characterization effect of your narrator not mentioning the holes, right now, is an implication that she wasn't shocked by them, which means she knows a lot more about what's going on than she's telling us, which is frustrating as a reader and ruins the impact of her own search for answers by making it look insincere.)
2) The protagonist, like us, is being blindly dropped into a situation with very unusual rules. You specifically imply at one point that she's from 21st century Earth. So the expectation your readers will have is that the laws of physics should work the way that we're used to — and more importantly, that any deviation from those rules is exceptional and worthy of mention and analysis.
Why do I mention this? Because your protagonist is not reacting that way. See directly above for one example, but a bigger one would be their casual acceptance (upon waking up and reading the note) of being dumped amnesiac into a crazy house with a "mission" and the deliberate inability to remember their name. What's the last thing they do remember? Clearly they know something of their previous life if they can offhandedly reference "normal 21st century clothes". If I woke up in that position, I know I'd be awfully concerned about the deliberate block on my memories — maybe there's a legitimate reason for whoever's running the show to do that to me, but it's a pretty clear indication that there is someone pulling the strings, and the note didn't even make an attempt to explain. I know you characterize your protag. as someone looking for adventure, but even so, this setup feels super manipulative, and the fact that she's shrugging and playing along with that is breaking my engagement hard.
This is reinforced in a huge way when she's forced back into the house and the second note mocks her for trying to escape. AT THAT POINT THIS IS NOT A GAME. To your credit, there's some of that sense of tension during the monster scene, but then the note tells her to go to the train and suddenly her reaction again is "Trains mean travel, and travel means adventure!" This is NOT how to react when some sort of psychopath is getting you to dance through his strings in a virtual world.
3. Work on figuring out in your own head what the actual rules here are, so that you can give us more of a sense of consistency in the bizarre happenings of your story — and so that your protagonist figuring out the rules can feel like progress. For instance, there's the repeated motif of random holes appearing. She almost falls into one as the UFO passes overhead, and then a second one as she tries to go to the UFO. Then there's a third hole that opens up and kills the monster. There's never any sense of what caused those to appear, which robs you of a significant moment here — the monster's death feels totally arbitrary, and yet the note congratulates her as if she'd scored some kind of victory. I would have loved to see those first two holes lead her to some sort of realization of how to get them to appear, and then upon realizing that the monster was tracking her down, and that she had no methods of self-defense, to lure it someplace where she knew she could take an action that would get a hole to appear. That would have made the congratulations feel less hollow — she's starting to master her environment — and perhaps given more impact to your second twist, that of the second set of notes showing up once she'd foiled the plans of the first.
Overall, this bizarre-world-excuse-plot sort of progression can work for a medium like an adventure game, because even if the player isn't invested in what's going on, they have agency in the trial and error that they are using to solve the puzzles, and can start to build a picture of the world's rules through their own actions. With a static medium like a story, all we can do is see what you're explicitly showing us, so you can't just Solve Problems and trust that to carry readers' attention. We want to feel like there's a greater context in which the problems matter — something at stake that needs to be resolved, rather than just "having an adventure" — and everything in the story pulling its weight toward that exploration of how the central question will go.
Tier: Needs Work