Remember, remember, the fifth of Coltember!

I remember like it was yesterday. How could I forget? Being turned to stone doesn’t make you forget, especially when it’s one of the only things you have to reflect on over the years.

Yet, it wasn’t yesterday. It happened a long time ago.

The day rolls around once every year, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same. Not that any of these ponies remember. It’s not like any of them were actually there—with the obvious exception, of course. I wonder if the Princess will ever come around to telling it how it really was.

I remember an extra cloudy, sun-filled day where the pigs flew lazily through the sky. The fish sang, the birds croaked, everything was just as it should have been. That is, until a pair of usurpers had to go and ruin everything. Why they had to go and change everything, I’ll never understand. Those blasted elements of harmony should have never seen the light of night. Without them, I would still be enjoying my midnight swims though the garden.

“Mommy? Why is he yawning?” one of the little ones asked in her most annoying filly lisp.

“He’s not yawning, sweetheart,” her mother mare lied. “He’s singing.”

“He’s making me sleepy.” The little one yawned and stretched her hooves across her mother’s lap.

“I know you can do it, sweetie. Just hold out for a few more minutes and the show will start. You don’t want to miss the fireworks.”

How right she was. They had front row seats to the most spectacular show in all of Equestria. Maybe not tonight, but soon, I would be free again. The magic of harmony grows weaker by the moment. I can feel it draining away. These prison walls can’t hold back the Lord of Chaos forever.

There’s an old saying when dealing with chaos: When one door closes, another always opens. Even if it takes another thousand years, I can wait. I’m nothing, if not patient.

Perhaps I should add that to the list… Lord of Patience—nah—doesn’t really have a nice ring to it. I do have standards to uphold after all.

However, patience does have its downsides. The countless birds nesting in my mouth through the years, for example. If I had known any better, I would have closed it and opened my eyes before being turned to stone. Had I been given ample warning, I might have made a number of adjustments before locking in. The itch I can’t scratch in my lower back would be another matter altogether. My outstretched arm could have been comfortably supported instead of hanging there like some kind of decorative coat tree. Some days, I wish I had had the sense to shut my ears as well. Instead, I have to listen to their pithy cry each and every time this blasted holiday rears its orderly head.

Remember, remember, the fifth of Coltember!

Again with the remembering. I could tell them exactly what happened—none of this pony tale they’ve come to think is the truth. Still, what fun would there be in telling the truth? None at all. Even Celestia appreciates taking certain liberties with it from time to time. I can hardly be condemned for being myself. Truth-telling always gets in the way of a good story. Lies are so much more enjoyable.

I really wish I could see their faces, though. Hearing is overrated. You lose all sorts of context without the clear image to reference. Who needs words when actions speak for themselves? They want to throw a party and all I get is a ringing in my ears.

“When are they going to light the bonfires, dad?” a squeaky colt, probably still without his mark, asked.

“Get your hooves off me, pipsqueak,” obviously not-the-dad added.

“Stop the fighting you two, or we’ll head straight home right now,” dad scolded. “They’ll light the fires after the Princess gives her speech.”

The Princess remembers. She may have forgotten a few of the more important details, but she remembers what she did. When I’m free again, I’ll make sure she never forgets. A nice eternity locked in stone would do wonders for her complexion. Those rough spots on her flanks would smooth right out given a century or two of my kind of weather beating down on her statue. Maybe her sister would care to join her—not that I would grant her that luxury. Chaos is not kind. At least I could be more creative than sticking her next to a statue signifying victory. Perhaps a nice statue of an inebriated chimera—all three of the heads to keep her company.

Chaos is all about being creative. What would be the point if everything remained the same forever? They call me evil; they say I’m wrong. They have no idea what they are talking about. Without me, their lives would be hollow shells without meaning. I have the natural order of things on my side. Chaos means progress. Chaos is good. Chaos is eternal.

I remember a time when… Well, none of that really matters now. Soon I’ll be free. This prison of harmony will be no more. The triumphant return of the Lord of Chaos will put things right again!

Remember, remember, the fifth of Coltember!

The clopping of hooves and the general bedlam of the assembled crowd might as well be celebrating my return instead of the anniversary of my incarceration. At least the settling of the noise tells me it’s time for Celestia’s speech. I hope she doesn’t drone on again tonight like she did last year. Perhaps we can just skip the formalities for once and shoot right over to the frivolous destruction of timber and explosive magic to follow. I’m just glad I won’t have to suffer through another one of these ridiculous celebrations again. Next year will be different, I promise. There’ll be a new headliner—none of this same-old boring routine.

“My little ponies,” Celestia always began. “Thank you for being here tonight.”

Bonfire, fireworks, and we’re done. Moving on. Thank you, Celestia, for keeping it short and to the point. Best Bonfire Night speech ever.

“It is with a joyful heart that I greet all of you. This year I am especially grateful and I hope you will join with me in celebrating a long awaited change in our evening plans.”

Scratch that. I guess we’re in for a long one tonight. Better strap in and get comfortable—as if that was even possible. I wonder what she has planned? Maybe we’ll just skip to being done so they can all go home and I can get some rest. Wouldn’t that be a welcome change.

“I remember the fifth going all the back to the beginning. Through the years, I have shared with you all what this holiday means to me. Unfortunately, it has been a very long time since we have had the pleasure of hearing from another eye-witness to history in order to give any further context or perspective. I am pleased to say that tonight, we will end that drought.”

What? I haven’t prepared any speech. How in the world does she expect me to speak on such short notice? Besides, being locked in stone would certainly hinder my ability to properly gesticulate, not to mention the visual aides aren’t at all ready. I’ll guess I’ll just have to wing it. Good thing I still have my wings.

“Please welcome to the stage, my sister, Princess Luna.”

Huh? That’s quite the vacation. I wonder where she’s been hiding for the last thousand years. No bother, I can save this speech I just came up with for my coming out party. Gives me some time to put a little polish on it—perhaps a nice cherry blue veneer.

“Thank you, sister. CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA!—”

“Let’s use our royal inside voice, sister.”

“—Ahh, alright.” Luna began again. “Citizens of Equestria—we come before you this glorious night, as our sister points out, to give some perspective. We speak as one who remembers; one who understands the time both before and after the chaos. Hear these words that we may explain.

“Discord Night celebrates the triumph of order over chaos. On this very night, many years ago, the Lord of Chaos bowed to the power of harmony. His statue, just behind, remains a striking reminder of the influence that his legacy exerts to this day.”

That’s not true at all. Have you been asleep for a thousand years? I would never bow to harmony—you attacked me with it! How dare you use my own statue against me!

“We stand before you having taken a similar path. We know the darkness and what it means to fight against the light. We are made whole once again and rejoice in the healing power of harmony. The Princess of the Night remembers the time before. She remembers the Reign of Chaos and the terrible destruction we suffered. That night is over now. A glorious day dawns. Join hooves together, citizens of Equestria, and remember this night with us. Remember that which you cannot. Remember how harmony and order overcame the forces of chaos. Remember, remember, the fifth of Coltember, and all that the Chaos Plot wrought.”

Remember, remember, the fifth of Coltember!

“Thank you, Princess Luna. I will remember this night forever. Now, it is our great honor to light the bonfires of harmony and cast out the shadows of Discord from among us—together.”

At least the speech is over. It sure gets cold out here, and its the least she could do to make up for it. Time for some heat.

That’s better. Maybe the fire will help soften up this stone prison or at least help scratch that itch.

“Before we start the fireworks, I wish to say a few words.”

Give me a break—another speech? It’s past my bedtime and you all need to go home.

“For many years, I have celebrated this night with all of you. Discord Night has always been a time to reflect on the past and what it means to us today. Discord’s reign of chaos was a dark period in our nation’s history, and we must never forget that night nor any that followed. Tonight, however, I want to add to our celebration by giving thanks for something else. On this night where we celebrate harmony and the overthrow of chaos, I wish to give thanks to Discord, the Lord of Chaos.”

That crowd took the reaction right out of my frozen mouth. I can’t blame them, stunned silence is a pretty common reaction to hearing my name. Still, I wouldn’t have expected old Sun Butt to go quite this far off script. Luna’s a bit more dramatic, but Celestia’s usually a pretty straight-shooter.

“I understand your concern, but hear me out,” Celestia appealed to the agitated crowd. “I wish to thank Discord for being what he is. Without him, we wouldn’t be here tonight in celebration. We have so much to be thankful for, and above all, he deserves our most sincere thanks.

“Just as with everything in life, we cannot know the good without the bad. Without night, there could be no day. Without sorrow, we could not know joy. Without Discord, we would never have the balance of harmony in our lives. Knowing the difference is what makes it all work. Discord’s gift of chaos grants us the opportunity to have order and peace. Without it, our lives would be empty and meaningless.”

Clopping? How could they be clopping for that? She’s got it all backwards! Harmony is evil! It stifles creativity and growth. At least she understands that without chaos, she’s got nothing to live for. I could have told her that.

“Along with the fireworks, my little ponies, I leave you tonight with this: Remember, remember, the fifth of Coltember, and all that the Chaos Plot wrought. Without it, we know, harmony never could grow. Give thanks for what Discord hath brought.”

It wouldn’t matter if you had ten-thousand ponies cheering for you. This doesn’t change anything, Celestia. When I get out of here, we’ll see what you think of the new gifts I bring. I promise they won’t give you cause to celebrate. I may be down, but there’s a big old storm of chaos heading your way. Take cover, little ponies. Discord has not yet begun to fight.