Ever since my early days of life my mother told me that I should grow up to be a mare of science, and I have taken her words to heart. “Now Twilight,” she told me, “remember that there exists only one objective truth, one on which everyone should hold their standards. I expect nothing less from you.”

I have taken her advice to heart and to this day I have never told a lie in my life. Not when I was little and asked who stole from the cookie jar, pointed to Shining Armor, and went my merry way wiping crumbs off my hooves—nor as an adult when Spike asks me uncomfortable questions such as “Why are you staring at carousel boutique’s windows with a pair of binoculars?”

A mare of science needs a particular field of expertise, and I so happened to chose alcohol. I’ve only been drunk once in my life, and that was when I was five I found my way into my father’s wine closet and downed a whole bottle of Chardonneigh. From that moment I had a calling. I read every book I could find on the chemistry and the history of the stuff. This knowledge always has its usage, such as informing Shining Armor of the best beers to get for his crazy high-school parties or spiking Princess Celestia’s drinks whenever she became angry with me.

The only mare I have ever met who shattered my objective truth was a mare named Pinkie Pie. Only Pinkie could conjure objects from nothing—shatter physical laws such as the conservation of energy. One time she downed 12 shots of her very own “Special balloon cocktail”—a substance so vile and alcoholic that Luna passed out after half a shot—with no ill effects of the liquor entering her system. I have often wondered if she was secretly a robot built by Celestia to test my faith, but in the end that was not true. I discovered the hard way as I watched the dust of her body drift in the wind. Dust that entered my eye and distracted me, for a few seconds, from my red solo cup.

---

It came as a shock when Celestia told me she wanted me to become a commuter. She offered some jargon about “making friends” and “getting more exercise” so I took Spike and we moved to a small town named Ponyville. However the ponies there had a weird issue with segregating people born into riches with those who acquire them. They even had a giant red line of paint that split the town through the giant fountain with a fresh coat applied every morning by Ditzy Doo.

As my parent were not rich, I was forced to live on the West side which could easily be called the less fashionable part of town, mostly because Carousel Boutique was across the fountain from me.

It just so happened that I was invited to dinner at the Boutique a few nights after moving to dine with the owner, Rarity, and her friend—my cousin—a mare who lives in a shack on the outskirts of town, Fluttershy. She recently married one of the fastest fliers in Equestria and longtime wonderbolts fangirl, Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had only moved here recently after moving from Cloudsdale to the Griffon Kingdom for absolutely no reason then moving back out here a week later. Supposedly this is a permanent fixture, but I doubt Rainbow Dash knows the meaning of the word Permanent. Just last week I figured out she couldn’t spell the word “tongue…”

As supported by her blue color, Rainbow Dash could be fairly vain. “Nice place she got here, isn’t it,” she said as she opened the door of the boutique for me on the warm, windless day. “Although it’s not as nice as my cloud palace. I’d love to show you sometime, but you can’t walk on clouds. I’ll have you know that place was expensive. In fact, it took me a full two week’s salary to pay off my house.”

She walked me into the center room where two mares were sprawled out on a light blue couch. The first mare was of course Fluttershy, who attempted to rise and greet me but quickly sat back down when she felt the heat.

I assumed the other mare was Rarity because the owner of a clothing store would be the only pony insane enough to be wearing clothes on a day like today. Her outfit was the color of her skin and dangled helplessly towards the ground as if it were desperately trying to grab the wind that never came.

She yawned and stood up. “I’ve been sitting on that couch all day, it’s time I get up.” She stretched out her back as I watched in awe of the pure beauty standing before me. The perfectness of her hair, the smoothness of her fur—the perfect curve of her hind quarters as she rocked backwards to stretch out her front legs. After a minute of cracks and yawns, she finally acknowledged my presence.

“Hey, Fluttershy said you lived on the other side of the fountain? I know someone there, a mare called Miss Pie.”

“Pie?” echoed Fluttershy, looking at Rarity before rolling her eyes into a flashback.
“I hope it’s Apple,” said Rainbow Dash, “because I’m starving!”

A few background Earth Ponies came out and set a nearby table with food. We all sat down, and I grabbed a fork with my hoof but was stopped before I could raise it to my mouth.

“You know, since you’re a unicorn you should really use your magic,” ejected Rainbow Dash from across the table. “After All, if you don’t use your magic you’re not much different than an Earth Pony, who is only fit to live on a farm or be a servant for the superior races.”

Well, that was objectively racist, I thought.

“Twilight, you’re a mare of science. Surely you agree?”

“Well, I uh…” The phone rang. That was a close one. Rainbow Dash ran out to answer it and the rest of us continued eating.

“If you don’t mind,” whispered Fluttershy, “I’d like to change the conversation topic to something nicer. Like artificial insemination.”

“What about it,” asked I as I stabbed at a piece of broccoli.

“It’s just that I don’t get why it’s illegal here in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash and I want a baby, and when we get one, I hope she’ll be a rabbit—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little rabbit.”

I sniffed my glass of water to make sure it wasn’t spiked. It wasn’t. That only made me want to spike it with something.

Breaking the next silence, Fluttershy spoke up again. “Rarity’s competing in the Sisterhooves social next week.”

“Oh, yes, that little thing? Sweetie Bell and I compete every year. We even made it to nationals last year.” While saying this she waved her hoof in front of her face. It occurred to me that I had seen Rarity before, several times in Canterlot. The most prominently she appeared in my memory was last year’s regionals where she narrowly took the last qualifying spot.

Rainbow Dash finally finished her phone call and came outside. “Sorry about that.”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes and said, “We need to go. Now!” The anger contained in her quiet voice startled me. I had never known anyone to talk with such distinct inflections. Paralyzed, neither Rarity or I said anything until they left.

“What was that about?”

“Oh, you don’t know? I thought everyone knew,” singsonged Rarity. “Rainbow Dash has a mare in Canterlot.” We both stood up. “Well, I guess you should be going. Who knows what could happen while you’re over at a stranger’s house.” I agreed and walked home.

Before reentering my abode, I paused and examined the house next to mine, a sweet shop known as Sugarcube Corner. In an upper window I as the silhouette of a mare staring out into the distance. I assumed this way Miss Pie, after all where else would a Pie live? I considered calling to her, but figured she wouldn’t hear me and trotted inside.

---

The only train stop between Canterlot and Ponyville is a small junction where scattered Changelings have come to rest. Many of these vagabonds have turned gray from their lack of nutrition, clouds of ash from the fifteen mechanics, and extra ultraviolet radiation that stemmed from a giant sign of Princess Celestia’s purple eyes staring down with the caption “Celestia is watching you.” A little reminder that our nations are still at war and of Princess Celestia’s generosity to the evil species.

I usually ignored this stop and wouldn’t look up from whatever book or drink I was burying my face in, but Rainbow Dash made me get off when the two of us were riding up to Canterlot a few days after our dinner.

“She’s the awesomest gal I’ve ever seen.” For whatever reason Dash thought it a good idea to show the cousin of the mare she’s cheating on her mistress. There’s no way this could backfire in the foreseeable future.

We trotted up to the closest mechanic shop where a changeling was fixing a train caboose. He glanced up to see who was approaching him. “Ay, Dash. When you gonna sell me dat carriage you promised me a year back?”

“Soon,” she replied. “I just need to run a few more errands with it.”

“Bah. You haven’t used dat thing in ages.”

The phone rang and the mechanic left the room to answer it. In the meantime, another changeling in a petite blue dress, presumably the mechanic’s wife, came down to Rainbow Dash the the two started vigorously making out. Her shell was still black, so I could only assume she spends most of her time inside.

I can see why Dash would have fallen in love with a Changeling. The ability to use magic to shape shift registers with nearly everypony as “awesome”—as Dash would put it. I myself have an interest with the species, and personally hope I get to perform a dissection on one in the near future.

The couple broke apart. “Clihtak, take the next train up to Canterlot and meet us by the station,” said Rainbow Dash. We were out of the place before the other Changeling got back. We finished our ride up to Canterlot.

“Quite the conversationalist,” I said.

“Yeah, she’s great isn’t she?” Dash spent the rest of the time we were waiting telling me about how awesome Clihtak was. I spent the rest of the time eating ice cream and pretending to be interested.

After a long while, it was clear that Clihtak was unable to make it to town. “Dash, we should probably get going or we’ll miss our show.”

“Here’s your ticket. I only really want to watch it with Clihtak.” I looked down at the paper she handed me. “Dolphins On Ice.” I changed my mind about seeing the show and called up my brother, who agreed to meet me at a local tavern.

I’ve only gotten drunk twice in my life, and the second time was that afternoon in Canterlot. At least I assumed we stayed in Canterlot. I’m not sure because the next time I remember was waking up on my couch the next evening.

On the floor was an invitation of a party signed by the elusive Pinkamena Diane Pie for 6:00. The clock said it was only 5:30, but I heard music playing next door so I figured I might as well head over. I walked outside, saw several faces from Canterlot, then immediately went inside to find a dress.

When I stepped inside sugarcube corner I was greeted by an eruption of confetti. It was coming out of the ground, the ceiling, the windows, even my ears. There was so much confetti in the room that I was convinced she spent a million bits on the stuff. Maybe it was all CGI. I couldn’t tell.

The place was absolutely packed with ponies of all colors. White Ponies in suits were walking around offering martini’s to the guests, so I took one. (By the way, getting drunk that night still counts as the second time because I wasn’t completely sober yet.) I fought my way through the crowd and up a flight of stairs. I looked over the banister and saw an orchestra arriving. I like high class music, I’m sure Pinkie Pie and I could exchange a few notes when we finally met each other.

Oh hey, circus music. Even better. I grabbed another martini from a waitress.

“Hey, lavender unicorn. You new here?” A minty colored unicorn called out from behind me, standing next to a tan earth pony.

“Yeah. I just moved next door about a week ago,” I replied. “By the way, have you seen Miss Pie anywhere?”

They laughed, then the tan pony spoke first. “No one sees Pinkie. It’s strange that someone who likes parties as much as she does seems to be hard to find at them.”

“I heard she killed a man with only her moustache.”

My eyebrows raised. “Does this mare have a moustache?”

“No, she doesn’t…” replied the teal one.

“That’s not it, Lyra” said the other one. “It’s because she’s secretly a changeling spy for the upcoming invasion.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bon Bon.”

“Now that you mention it, I wonder how many ponies here are secretly changelings.” The couple awkwardly laughed and promptly excused themselves from my presence. I continued to wander around past piles of every type of baked treat you could imagine. Cakes, pies, cookies, rock candy, brownies. I was wondering if we would eat actual food or if we were just supposed to gorge ourselves with sweets. After an hour of wandering and fighting through crowds I found myself in a room with nobody but myself and a giant owl.

“Don’t worry, the wallpaper is real,” he said before flying out an open window. I went over and checked myself. Yes, it’s real. Wait, what am I doing?

I reemerged into the sea of ponies who were all “dancing”—as in grinding on each other—and fought my way through the crowd until I found myself sitting next to a pink mare who was silently watching the party.

“Excuse me, do you know Miss Pie?” I asked to her.

“I am Miss Pie. Duh. I’m like, the only pink pony in the room Old Sport.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said. That should’ve been obvious. “Do you usually call ponies Old Sport?”

“Well it’s better than being a new math problem!”

“... I like math.” I wasn’t sure if she heard me because by that time she had darted off and joined in a dirty conga line to an orchestral cover of some edm song. Having met the host and gotten sufficiently drunk, I decided that it was time for one more martini and for me to be heading back home and making sure Spike didn’t set the library on fire. Come to think of it, having a dragon living in a tree doesn’t make much sense. I’ll have to write Princess Celestia about that one.

---

One morning I went outside to grab the morning paper and in front of my library was Pinkie Pie in a carriage. “You’re having breakfast with me Old Sport, now come on in.” Having nothing better to do I joined her. Come to think of it, do I ever have anything better to do or do I just go with whoever calls on me. I guess it’s that or study alcohol some more.

“Old Sport, I need you to help me chose a hat.” I looked in the back of the carriage and did not see any hats, but when my attention turned back to Pinke she was wearing a Wicker hat. “Too girly?” she asked.

I nodded, then blinked. When my eyes opened, she instead had a top hat and a monocle and the wicker hat was rolling on the ground behind us.

“Too formal.” I said. Next she tried a baseball hat, and a fedora before we settled on a sailors hat. “That one is cute.”

“Next, Old Sport, you probably want to know how I obtained my money, because I hear that conversation a lot.”

“Actually no one’s…”

“The rumor about me being born on a rock farm was true. Dirt poor, but then I discovered something. It was my party toe.”

“Your what?” I stared at her, eyes even bigger than the normal ¾ of my face they occupy.

“My party toe. I discovered when I was young that this one toe on my right front hoof had a twitch; a knack for throwing parties. You know what they say. ‘There ain’t no party like a Pinkie Pie party cuz a Pinkie Party go Woo Woo.’ From there I enrolled in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Here’s a photo to prove it.”

I looked at the photo, and indeed there she was, standing right next to Trixie Lulamoon. “Pinkie, you’re not a unicorn.”

“Yes,” she said while stroking her chin and donning a new deerstalker and pipe, “That is awfully strange. Anyway, I opened a joke shop and became super rich. A joke shop that may or may not serve liquor.”

We arrived at a little barn in the middle of no where surrounded by apple trees. “My friend Applejack has lunch and a little business deal for you.” We knocked on the door and an orange mare in a stetson opened the door.

“Howdy y’all. You must be Twilight. Nice to meet you, I’m Applejack.” We went inside and found a table set with everything apple you can imagine. Apple fritters, apple cider, apple stuffed apples, worms. I hate apples.

“We were wondering if you were interesting in joining our little business, Old Sport,” said Pinkie Pie.

“Maybe, but I live off government money coming straight from the Princess so I don’t really need the income.”
“We make alcohol.”

“Keep talking.”

“From my high quality apples.”

I left the house right then and there.




A week later I saw Pinkie outside my house again, so I went over and said hello.

“Oh, hey Old Sport. Doing anything later today?”

“Me? Well, I invited Fluttershy over to my house for tea this afternoon, and I’ll probably be spending the rest of the time reading or cooking meth or something.”

“Fluttershy you say? Would you be annoyed if I stop by for a quick visit then?”

“Kinda. I don’t go out much and I haven’t had a time to talk to my cousin in a few weeks, so if you could at least give us some time alone I would love that.”

“Some time alone. Got it,” she said before diving into the fountain. I went over and took a look and she was no longer inside it even though I didn’t see her get out. Maybe she really is a unicorn.

I continued my path of running errands: groceries, flowers, more thread in case I decided I had extra time to sew Smarty Pants back together. When I got home I took a small jog and showered, and waited for Fluttershy to arrive by looking through the library for something that would have information on this mysterious Pinkie Pie. Nothing.

Knock, Knock, Knock. I opened up and Fluttershy was there. “Hi, um.”

“Come in Fluttershy, it’s been so long.” She slipped inside and sat down on the guest couch I pull out whenever I have company. “How’s Rainbow Dash.”

“Pretty bad actually.” I was waiting for her to say more, but she didn’t so I went to get the tea—mine of course had a tad vodka in it. No sooner had I handed Fluttershy her tea then there was another knock on the door. I went to see who it was.

“Hey, Old Sport, mind if I drop in?”

“Please don’t.” She must have been watching to be sure we had “some” time alone.

“Who’s there?” asked Fluttershy from the background.

I turned back to answer, “Just a neighbor,” but when I turned my head back Pinkie had disappeared—knowing Pinkie, probably into my library.

“Hey Fluttershy, remember me? I brought you some flowers.” In her hoof was five dozen flowers of every make and color.”

“Are those…” began Fluttershy.

“Yep, FROSTING!” rang Pinkie.

“I remember you. It’s been five years,” whispered Fluttershy.

“So it has. What have you been up to?”

“Pretty much the same. Raising animals. You?”

“Throwing parties. You should come to one of them.”

“Oh,” said Fluttershy. “Parties aren’t much my crowd.”

“Nonsense. Parties have something for everyone. Would you change you mind if you get a chance to see my house?” asked Pinkie.

“No,” she said. “But I’ll come see it anyway. I’m sure you have a wonderful house.”

I piped in, “I guess I’ll just be staying here then.”

“Nonsense, Old Sport. You said it yourself, you don’t get out much.” I obliged, all the while wondering why Pinkie seemed so determined to third wheel herself.

With everypony gone you could see the house itself more clearly and it was… well… pink. She knew how to balance her colors with trinkets of blue or snippets of yellow, but for the most part the walls were overwhelmingly pink.

We toured bakeries, kitchens, guest rooms—all nice and tidy. Then we hit her bedroom. The whole room was littered with candy wrappers, half eaten cupcakes, dead parasprites, confetti, streamers, books, and basicly anything else you can think of.

“Gak!” gasped Fluttershy.

“Sorry about the mess, I should probably clean this up.” Watching what she did next nearly gave me a headache, but I’ll try to describe what she did. She grabbed the floor like it was a tablecloth and yanked it away, revealing a squeaky clean floor with nothing but her furniture and a rubber ducky.

“That was cool,” said Fluttershy.

“Thank you.” Another awkward silence. “Hang on, I have a friend in Manehatten that buys me cupcakes.” She ran up a flight of stairs and began tossing cupcakes off the balcony. Green ones with white frosting and lime slices—red ones with yellow frosting—blue ones with chocolate frosting. “I always make sure to save at least one from every batch for my collection.”

All of these cupcakes were so stale that being thrown downwards twenty feet did not break them, merely caused a few crumbs to trickle off. Fluttershy opened her mouth as if to say something, then wandered over to a lonely window.

“Is that my cottage in the distance?” she asked.

“Yessiree!” She exclaimed. “I bought this house because when the night time sets and the moon is full the green light you have on your house hits the apex of Ponyville Fountain, making the 2nd most beautiful thing in the world, losing only to your eyes.”

They turned and looked into each other’s eyes.

“That’s actually really creepy, Pinkie Pie.”

“Yes, but BALLROOM DANCING.” We found ourselves in a ballroom, not entirely sure how, but there was formal music playing. Actual formal stuff, like the kind I listen too. None of this cirus edm type music that normally plagued her parties. Those two started dancing with each other, and I was left standing there alone—thus I did what any sane mare would do: grab a drink and dance with an image.

I pictured the sweet Rarity in my hooves as we twirled around the room elegantly like a swan taking a bath. We circled around, and I let her twirl and bend over my arm. I swung her back up and I caressed her arm before continuing our path around the ballroom.

“Old Sport, what are you doing. The music stopped five minutes ago.”



“That was fun,” said Fluttershy, now back in front of Golden Oaks, “We should do it again.”

“Indeed. I’ll miss you.”

“I know, but I must be hurrying back along. I have to take care of a salamander.”

“So long sweet Fluttershy.” She left. “So, Old Sport, do you think it worked.”

“I think so, but I’m still not sure why I had to come along.”

“Because you’re going to narrate a book about me someday, and if you didn’t go we would have nothing to talk about.”

“Pinkie, that is the stupidest thing I’ve heard you say, and you say a lot of stupid things.”

“You know what they say. Act stupid and be smart.”

“Pinkie, no one says that.”

“Yes, well, RUN AWAY!”

---

The next time I saw Fluttershy it was at her place. Pinkie and I walked through Ponyville together on the hottest day of the year to meet up at her cottage with Rainbow Dash.
“Who’s the friend?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie. I throw parties! Except not today, it’s too hot.”

“I see…” said Rainbow Dash. We went inside and I was about to take a seat only to notice a small meerkat in the chair and an otter on the floor under me. I remained standing.

“You have a lot of animals! That’s so cool!” said Pinkie.

“Yes, I take care of all these critters.”

“They’re cute,” said Pinkie.

“They also smell,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow!” snapped Fluttershy. Dash was right though, and the smell wasn’t making the heat go away.

“How about we head up to Canterlot and hit a bar, it’s scheduled to be cooler today,” said Rainbow Dash.

“I know this good bar I went to with my brother,” I piped in, happy to be of use to the overarching plotline for once.

“I like shots!” said Pinkie.

“Then it’s settled,” said Rainbow.

Fluttershy looked like she was about to argue, but simply said “I’ll get my saddlebag.”

The walk to the train station consisted of Pinkie chattering about how awesome the last party she hosted was and how many cupcakes she stuffed in her mouth at the same time and a few other things with as little consequence.

Rainbow Dash looked through her belongings. “Hmm, looks like I don’t have too much money on me. How about I skip the train ride down and just fly to save a few bits?”
“Dash, I can pay.”

“Nonsense. I like the exercise.” Before anyone could talk her out of it she was gone. The only eventful part of waiting for the train and riding it down was getting a headache from Pinkie Pie’s insistent blabbering.

We could not arrive at the bar soon enough, but sadly rainbow was wrong about the weather. If anything it was hotter up here.

“Can we open another window… if you don’t mind,” said Fluttershy.

“Nope, all of them are open,” said the bartender as he laid out our dinks.

“Remember,” shouted Pinkie Pie, “There ain’t no party like a Pinkie Pie party cuz at a Pinkie Pie party you get wiggity-wiggity-wrecked!” She downed a pair of shots before letting loose a “Wubba Wubba dub dub.”

I took a drink and sipped at it. The heat and the tension in my stomach was building. The rise in pressure was making my head hurt with guilt. There was something I must say.

“Rarity, I saw you cheat at the sisterhooves social.” The others just looked at me.

“Uh, Twilight, you haven’t seen Rarity since we had dinner at the boutique.

“Oh, Um…” How embarrassing. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay Twilight, I have something to say too,” said Dash. She turned to Pinkie. “Why are you trying to steal my wife.”

“Yeah, like you care about my cousin!” I snapped.

“Shut up you alcoholic turd! Pinkie, answer my question.”

I have only ever been drunk five times in my life, and I made sure this afternoon was one such time.

“Because I love her!” answered Pinkie. “At least more than you do!”

“Shut UP!” yelled Fluttershy. Normally no pony would continue talking, but this was not a normal occasion.

“But she doesn’t love you, or else she would have mentioned you!”

“If you love Fluttershy so much why are you having an affair with a Changeling?”

“Explain yourself Pinkie!”

“Fine!” The room went silent while Pinkie took another shot. “It all started when I was a filly on the rock farm with no more than two bits to my name. I didn’t want that life. I wanted to be rich and have a lavish lifestyle. I never thought it would happen, but then one day I got a letter saying I had inherited a large sum of money.”

“I was sent off to live with an elderly old mare, Mrs. Butterscotch, aka Fluttershy’s mother. That’s how we met, and her kind ways and quiet demeanor… I admired it, and I grew to love it. Only I was an earth pony, so Mrs. Butterscotch told Fluttershy to break my heart. That’s when she married you, but I could tell she regretted it.”

“The rest of my story isn’t important, only I opened a party store and I found out I didn’t actually get my money from Mrs. Butterscotch but an escaped convict I helped when I was younger named Big Mac who turned out to be Fluttershy’s father.”

“Wow,” I said. Everyone took another drink.

“Well, we’re making a scene, so I propose that we all go home, sober up, then meet up tomorrow to continue the fight. Since Fluttershy and Pinkie ‘love each other so much’ they can take the first train home and Twilight and I will follow behind,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Dash, we can all take the same train. We’ll fit.”

“No, it’s very important that we take different trains.”

“Why,” I questioned.

“Because it is. Look, just do this for me.”

We did not follow Rainbow Dash’s plan because it, much like Dash herself, was idiotic and nonsensical. However, we did follow the part of it where we don’t talk to each other and just sit in silence for the boring train ride. I was smart enough to never leave home without a book. The others had to resort to their own ways of having fun. Pinkie Pie make weird noises with her mouth to amuse herself, Fluttershy was worried and contemplating the situation, while Rainbow Dash had her arms crossed and was pouting in a corner.

When the train stopped at the junction Rainbow Dash darted off and we all decided to follow her. She was hovering by the front the train and we all ran up to her.

“Hey Dash, where…” We didn’t say anymore because in front of the train was Clihtak, Dash’s mistress.

“That just don make sense!” said the conductor who was outside with use. “She just jumped in front of the train as if she expected it to stop on a dime.”

“Why…” Rainbow Dash was sobbing.

“Hey, what’s the commotion? Where’s my wife?” More bad news, Clihtak’s husband was here. “I said…” He saw the body. “You!” He pointed at Rainbow Dash. “This is all your fault!”

“What, no!” she exclaimed. “Your wife was stupid enough to jump in front of a moving train! If it’s anyone’s fault it’s Pinkie Pies.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you! If you hadn’t been coveting my wife I wouldn’t have been cheating.”

“You were cheating long before you knew I existed!”

“STOP!” yelled Fluttershy. This time it worked, although that had nothing to do with Fluttershy. This was because an air raid siren started going “WHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

“Changelings,” I said as if everyone else didn’t already know. In the distance was a big black cloud that was clearly getting bigger and coming in fast.

“Surprise,” shouted Rainbow Dash. “I was secretly a changeling spy all along!” She shouted this and dropped her disguise.

“Surprise, I was secretly a changeling spy all along too!” shouted Clihtak’s husband.

“No, really?” I asked. “No one here could have guessed. Nope, not one of us.”

“Wow, I had no idea,” said Pinkie Pie in what was unfortunately complete honesty.

“And that’s not your only worry,” said a gravelly, teenage voice. “I’m looking for the avatar.” Behind us was Prince Zuko. Not the reformed, short-haired Zuko, but the season 1, long hair dude with a bad attitude. “The Avatar,” he repeated. “Have you seen him?”

“Him, don’t you mean, Her?” ask Pinkie Pie, dramatically stepping forwards. “I am the Avatar.”

“Dun Dun Dun, wait that literally makes less sense than Rainbow Dash’s train plan,” I said.

It didn’t matter to Zuko, who blasted fire at Pinkie who parried it with a balloon sword before blasting Zuko with her party cannon. Unphased, Zuko lunged forwards with more fire, singing Pinkie’s left leg. She then ran forwards and tackled him to the ground.

“This is fun and all, but I’m going full Avatar.” Her eyes began to glow blue and she began to float upwards with Zuko. A big orb of blue light shot out from around her. When the light disappeared, all the changelings and fire benders were gone, and below the spot Pinkie had risen was a pile of ash. I did the sensible thing and piled them up into a conveniently placed flowerpot—I mean urn. I also grabbed a nearby changeling body to take home.

“That was anti-climatic,” said Fluttershy.

“Yeah, it was.” I said. “Let’s go home.”

---

I have only gotten drunk five hundred and seventeen times in my life, the most recent of which—besides as I write this—was Pinkie’s funeral. There were two of us, standing alone on a hilltop on the outskirts of Ponyville: me and her sister, Maud Pie. Fluttershy was too weirded out and traumatized to come, Applejack was at a “rodeo” game, and all the priests were suspiciously busy for 11:00 on a Sunday morning. It’s not like priests do anything at that time.

“She was a good mare,” I said. “Better than everyone else in this dang town… except maybe Fluttershy. She wasn’t as much as a stalker and didn’t really do much.”

“Yeah,” said Maud. “Sucks.”

Together, we took the urn and dumped it out into the wind. It’s what she would have wanted… I think. That’s what Maud said anyway.

“Ah crap, some got in my eye!”

Maud wasn’t much of a talker, so the funeral wasn’t very long and I soon found myself back in Ponyville and went to bed.

In the coming weeks, I moved far away to a less corrupted place. A less corrupted place with a lot of bars. Heck, I might try something new, like PCP or something. Anything beats Ponyville.

Fluttershy moved away too. She always wanted to go out west for some reason. Not much out there besides dust and maybe Pinkie’s ashes.

Rarity never achieved her dreams of becoming a big shot and spent the rest of her life cheating at stupid events that no one cares about.

And let it be said to all of you, my final words on the matter. Don’t forget them, for never was there a tale of more woe, than that of Pinkie Pie and her party toe.