“Princess! Excuse me, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!”

Ugh, all these high-pitched voices were giving me a headache. I turned to scowl at the minion. “I thought that I had instructed the Royal Guard not to bother me until after the wedding.”

The stallion wilted beneath my gaze, limbs shivering then clenching in a forced display of composure. Not bad. Credit where credit was due, this Mi Amore commanded fear in her minions. She was a commendable sovereign, through and through. Luckily, this just made it all the easier for me to assume her place; this role was practically made for me.

“A-A thousand pardons, Your Highness,” stammered the pony. “It’s just that the dignitaries from Saddle Arabia have arrived and are seeking an audience.”

Oh, Mi Amore. A thin smile played at my lips. Dear, sweet Mi Amore. Are you proud of your bravery? Enduring our interrogation techniques for countless hours without uttering a single fact? Without revealing a single like or dislike? Without speaking the name of a single pony, except for your precious Shining Armor? Do you think that I find myself stymied, deprived of the crucial information needed to perfect my infiltration?

“Ah, Lady Keheilan. A most respected ally.” I gave a stately nod. “See that she rests from her journey in the north pavilion. I shall grant her an audience this evening.”

The guard saluted. “Yes, Princess.”

All of that bravery, undone by a newspaper and my flawless impersonation skills. These ponies are so ridiculously gullible.

Speaking of gullible. “Where is Shining Armor?” I demanded. “I would see him now.”

“Still be at the barracks, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. When I left, he was still overseeing final preparations for Canterlot’s defense.”

I gave the pony a nod of dismissal before trotting toward the barracks. I could see why Mi Amore chose this one as her mate. Simple and devoted. Easy to find, since he’s always at the barracks. Personally, I’d never stoop to the level of courting a minion, but given her choices, she could do far worse. He was terribly devoted to Mi Amore, but of course, this was going to cause not just his own undoing, but the collapse of all of Equestria. Tragic, really.

True to the minion’s word, I spotted Shining Armor on the parapets above the barracks. Surprisingly for him, it did not appear that he was seeing to the defense of the city—a rare moment of indolence for him. Rather, he seemed to be idly gossiping with a mare, likely one of the castle staff. Peculiar, but a rare failing from him. As he was to be Mi Amore’s future mate, it was my duty to reestablish my dominance and correct this behavior at once. I cleared my throat and made my presence known. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything important,” I announced to the pair with a thin layer of menace, as befitted a princess.

“Cadance!” The mare’s face lit up in a smile as she bounded toward me. She was a purple pixie of a thing, bubbly demeanor, pink highlights running through her hair. Undoubtedly she was some sort of free spirit, staying up all night at sleepovers and obsessively talking about how much she loves her friends. Ugh. Gag me with my own cocoon slime.

She leapt in front of me, presumably to genuflect. Good, at least she seemed as well-trained as the others. I’d simply let her pay her respects, dismiss her, and then Shining Armor and I could—

What in Equestria was she doing?

This mare hopped and wiggled about, serenading me with some nonsense about sunshine and ladybugs. Even by pony standards, her song and dance had a disgustingly infantile quality to them, yet clearly she put every ounce of enthusiasm into it that she could muster. I clenched my jaw, eyes wide and shaking as I endured the display. With luck, the mare would finish soon and—

By my grandmother Thysania’s thorax, now what? Partway through her dance, she’d turned herself about, presenting her tail and flanks to me. What I initially thought to be a small flourish turned into the main dance itself, as she violently rocked and gyrated her hips in my direction. I stood there and just took it, violated, at a loss for what to think or what to feel.

“What are you doing?” I said, speaking the only thought I could muster.

This gave the mare pause. She looked up over her shoulder at me, frowning from behind her posterior. “Cadance, it’s me,” she said, confusion in her tone and on her brow. Right, because that explained anything. When I said nothing, she clarified, “Twilight.”

And of course a name didn’t help matters any. Unless that name was “Shining Armor,” Mi Amore had uttered not a shred of useful information during the interrogation. If she hadn’t revealed anything important about security plans or visiting dignitaries, then she most certainly had not mentioned anything about her outlandish maid who had a propensity for such perverse displays of…

Oh. Oh. Yes, of course. I should have known.

With a dismissive snort, I brushed past Twilight, ignoring her agape stare. Exactly as expected, I felt a pang of betrayal bubble up from inside her. Excellent. To seal the deal, I stood beside my stallion, nuzzling him affectionately.

Shining Armor, for his part, picked up on my cue immediately. Wrapping a hoof around me, he turned to address her; like a proper officer, he spoke on my behalf to the peons who weren’t worth my time. “I've gotta get back to my station, but Cadance will be checking in with all of you to see how things are going.” Thus confirming my guess that this Twilight was part of the castle staff. “I think I speak for both of us when I say we couldn't be more excited to have you here. Right, dear?” He punctuated the line with a squeeze, full of tongue-tingling affection.

Driving the point home, I narrowed my gaze at Twilight and grinned wickedly. “Absolutely.”

Twilight picked up on our unsubtle hints straight-away. She blinked and opened her mouth as thought to petulantly protest, but thought better of herself. Turning, she offered me one last hurt expression over her shoulder before retreating back into the barracks tower and descending the staircase.

A shame that my invasion was nigh imminent. Impersonating this Mi Amore was as enjoyable as it was effortless. I had half a mind to drop my disguise on the spot and see if any of these ponies even noticed the difference.

Once Twilight had left our earshot, Shining Armor turned to me and furrowed his eyebrows. “What was that about? You hardly said anything to Twilight.”

Right. While Shining Armor was loyal and dependable, his intelligence was about on par for an average minion. I supposed that I would need to spell this out for him. I sighed and nuzzled him more firmly. “I’m sorry, dear. Twilight… hasn’t taken the news of our wedding very well.”

That elicited a stiff chuckle from him. “Yeah. Tell me about it. She just got through giving me an earful.” Oh. Then perhaps he did understand, after all. “But, I had been planning to make her my Best Mare all along. When I told her the news, her mood really seemed to turn around. Twilight’ll be fine.” He placed a gentle peck on my cheek.

While I appreciated the snack, I was less impressed by him dancing around the issue. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I asked. “Having her up on stage with us while we’re saying our vows?”

“Why not?” He flashed me one of his charming smiles. “She’s crazy about you.”

“Right.”

I frowned as a look of stupor crossed his face. To say that I was disappointed with his inability to connect the dots was telling, considering how low my standards for minions had fallen over the years. It seemed that a blunt approach would be required.

“It just seems that that might be asking for trouble,” I said, trying again. “It doesn’t seem like she’s gotten over me.”

“Nah, Twilight is… Wait.” Shining Armor blinked vacantly, the gears slowly turning in his feeble pony mind. “What do you mean, ‘gotten over you’?”

Oh, for Pete’s sake. “That we slept together, of course.”

Shining’s jaw hit the floor, and a small strangled noise emitted from the back of his throat. Come now, did he already forget the part where she was shaking her rear at me while drenched in emotions? What other possible explanation could there be?

“You did just point out she was crazy for me,” I gently remind him. Still, to his credit, Mi Amore was the Princess of Love. I can imagine that her personal matters would be kept personal, not a subject of discussion over the dinner table. “I’m sorry, I thought you knew.”

“Uh, no,” snapped Shining Armor, holding a hoof to his head. “I’m pretty sure I would’ve remembered you telling me you and Twilight were…” He shuddered. Ugh, ponies can be so clingy with their food. He inhaled sharply, eyes growing wide. “Wait. You said ‘getting over’, but I thought you two hadn’t seen each other in years. When… did you…”

Hmph. It’s impossible to tell ages with these blasted equines. Still, if I wanted to assuage this silly outburst of his, best to place the past in the past. “About seven, eight years ago,” I said with a shrug.

Shining scrunched his eyes shut, hooves pressed tight against his temples as though his head threatened to burst like an egg sac. “When she was twelve?!” he bellowed.

Phew, that was a close one; she was younger than she looked. Still, if ponies were anything like drones, their age of maturation was ten, so it’s still a plausible story. Why then was Shining Armor raising such a fuss? “You’re not mad at me, are you?” I asked with a delicate hint of softness, the kind that spoke to his stallion sensibilities.

“A bit!” he snapped, pushing back from me. “This is sorta a bombshell to be dropping on me, y’know? Especially the day before our wedding?”

Oh, of all the nonsense. This Mi Amore had one small fling, and it was poised to disrupt my brilliant plan more than all her resisting could have ever hoped to achieve. I stepped up to him once more, gently running a hoof through his mane. “Please, don’t be. It was a long time ago,” I whispered gently into his ear. “She didn’t mean anything to me.”

Shining opened his mouth as though to bellow once more, then flapped it about like a suffocating fish.

Sheesh, stallions. Ponies, more like. I leaned in to kiss him and hopefully take his mind off this silly old flame of Mi Amore’s.

He pulled back before our lips could connect. “I,” he said, chest and eyes tight, “am going to check in on how the shield spell is doing. I have a lot to think about, and apparently, so do you!” He turned toward the tower staircase, sighed, and gave me a sad look over his shoulder. “We’ll talk more tonight, okay?”

After he left, I shrugged and went about my way. I’d been replacing Mi Amore long enough to know the quirks of this stallion of hers. Sure, he was making this out as though Mi Amore sleeping with Twilight was some truly cataclysmic ordeal, but come morning he’d already be forgiving me. Thanks to some quick thinking and impeccable acting, my plans for conquering Equestria weren’t about to be derailed by some lavender hussy.

---

That certainly didn’t impede Twilight from making a nuisance of herself all day long.

My plan was mature enough and ingenious enough that I had little remaining to do. All I need do was drain more of Shining Armor’s magic, cause him to drop the barrier tomorrow, and my drones would see to the conquering of Canterlot in short order. Today, all that was required of me was to maintain appearances, which meant frivolous tasks like food tastings and approving decorations.

And yet this purple pest seemed as though she were everywhere at once. She was begrudgingly reviewing checklists in the kitchen, shooting me dirty looks during my dress fitting, even spying at me behind a pillar while I was reviewing the party’s entertainment. Whatever responsibilities she was supposed to have on the castle grounds, she was clearly shirking them to oversee this vendetta of hers. Granted, I had to confess that at some level, her zealous commitment in the face of certain failure was attractive, but her weak passive-aggressive tactics were not. I’m terribly sorry, Twilight, but you have no hope of upstaging the Captain of the Royal Guard just because you gave me a disapproving look.

Still, in less than twenty-four hours, Equestria would be mine and this love triangle nonsense would be behind us. As such, I chose not to even respect her with a proper confrontation. Instead, I merely replaced Mi Amore’s bridesmaids with a few other servants: the dressmaker, the director of the bird choir, and so forth. They seemed to be on good terms with one another and with Twilight, being coworkers and all. If there’s one thing that raising an army of thousands of drones teaches you, it’s the power of peer pressure and conformity. Twilight’s friends would enjoy themselves at the wedding, and would pressure her to do the same.

That should have been the end of that. Night fell, and Shining Armor and I returned to our domicile. As I descended the stairs to fetch my soon-to-be husband, it would have been entirely unreasonable to expect to find Twilight intruding upon us at such an unreasonable hour.

Which naturally, she was doing. Because she’s a meddler. What was she even doing, talking with Shining Armor at such an unreasonable hour? Spreading lies about Mi Amore, no doubt, in the hopes she might disrupt the wedding and then claim me for herself. A mite more respectable than today’s dirty looks, but still equally futile.

I cleared my throat loudly, catching Shining’s attention and earning a grumble from Twilight. “Could I speak to you a moment, dear?” I asked, turning toward the study. That was perhaps the biggest difference between my usual demeanor and acting as Mi Amore—the Queen of the Changelings would not ask.

Over my shoulder, I heard a light chuckle. “Better see what she wants,” he asided to Twilight, mirth in his tone. Ugh. Of course that’s his first thought. Doesn’t he know you’re not supposed to eat right before bedtime?

As soon as we closed the door, I started to berate him. Nothing significant, mind you; I made up some story about having told him what to wear tomorrow, and scolded him for “forgetting”. The key to proper management of your inferiors was to place them under unexpected and stressful circumstance. The good ones would learn the importance of pleasing me, of pledging devotion to me, of looking to me for guidance. It was an excellent training tactic, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t take some small measure of pleasure in watching them squirm.

Which was all the more disappointing when Shining Armor not only did not squirm, but was insolent enough to push back. He was prattling on and on about the sentimentality of the outfit, which was positively ridiculous. I could see no reason why the ever-loyal, ever-obedient Shining Armor would choose such a petty thing to openly defy me over.

Or…

I narrowed my eyes at him as he spouted nonsense over some uncle of his. Of course this wasn’t about the outfit. He’s still upset over Mi Amore’s fling with the maid and, like a typical stallion, was taking his frustrations out on me over a frivolous, unrelated argument. How positively infuriating! I had had half a mind to hang onto him after the invasion was complete—snacks for my new throne room—but if he was going to be throwing snits like this, I couldn’t say that he’d be worth the effort.

Before I could scold Shining Armor further, I heard a soft creak from the chamber door. Instinctively, I held still, not letting on that I had heard. Clearly then, this Twilight has seen fit to eavesdrop on our conversation.

She was eavesdropping, after Shining Armor had insinuated… Oh, how droll! Upon learning she couldn’t have me—Mi Amore—to herself, she decided that her next best option was voyeurism.

Very well, I could indulge her. The pained anguish of finding one’s love in the arms of another is truly a delectable dish, the perfect appetizer to tomorrow’s feast. With any luck, it would have the added bonus of breaking her spirits completely, and then I’d have one less pest to worry about.

Oh, right, he was still ranting about… whatever. Grandfather or something. For once, snuggles and butterfly kisses wouldn’t be enough to get his attention. Leave it to him to be uncooperative in the one moment where it would have actually benefited me.

Of course, as with many matters, I’d found that a simple stupify spell could work wonders. Lighting up my horn, I blasted Shining Armor square in the forehead, sending his eyes spinning in their sockets. Crude, to be sure, but effective. Now I would just put on a little show for our guest, and—

From the doorway came a gasp, then the sound of retreating hoofsteps. Huh. Seemed like our mousy eavesdropper had been spooked even before the show began.

“Twilight,” Shining Armor called out, voice sluggish, as he stumbled to his hooves.

“Just let her go.” The lack of resolve was a bit disappointing, all said, but probably for the best. With any luck, the end result was the same, and she had been sufficiently spooked.

Shining Armor turned and stared at me, each eye blinking independent of the other. After a moment of his brain overheating, he asked, “So… can we cuddle?”

I gave a terse sigh. “Not now, sweetie. I have a headache.” This was why I so rarely used mind control on my targets. Without the challenge, without the spectacle, what was the point? As Queen of the Changelings, I needed to aspire to greater things. Something befitting of my stature.

Such as a wedding spiraling into the downfall of pony society.

---

Unsurprisingly, the Best Mare was not present at the dress rehearsal.

I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Ingenious plans such as mine tended to go off without a hitch, which also meant that they were devoid of challenges and climactic battles. It was quite telling that I was looking to the meek maid as a potential opponent; clearly I was desperate enough to look for proper rivals anywhere. That’s not to say that I wanted to face off horn-to-horn with Celestia or anything equally daft, but… a girl can dream, can’t she? Seeing their floored looks as their beloved leader was struck down before their very eyes? Ah well. “Boring yet practical” would have to do.

Of course, Twilight’s absence did not go unnoticed. The new bridesmaids—along with a baby dragon that one of them appeared to be keeping as a pet, I couldn’t say who—seemed visibly saddened. Likely, this was due to the shame which she was bringing onto them for her open insubordination. Celestia, who was presiding over our wedding rehearsal and who would get a front-row seat to the destruction of her precious kingdom, also seemed distracted. She kept looking to the spot on stage where the Best Mare was supposed to be, and was positively dripping with sadness and compassion. Perhaps this Twilight had been a servant for many years, a sort of loyal confidant to the royal sisters. Curious.

Shining Armor, dimwitted even without the aid of a stupefying spell, seemed the last to take notice as he glanced about the stage. “Hey… Has anypony seen Twilight?”

Just as I was about to whisper some sweet nothings to take his mind off the silly servant, a loud crash echoed and reverberated from the far end of the hall. “I’m here!” cried a voice. “I’m not gonna stand next to her, and neither should you!”

Closing my eyes, I took a shallow breath and slowly released it in a hiss. I wanted to gripe and complain that this petty crush was still being humored, but I was self-aware enough to realize I had just tempted fate by wishing for a challenge. Destiny was trying to meet me halfway.

While Twilight’s friends tried to placate her—as I predicted, pressure to conform—Shining Armor leaned in toward me. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t know why she’s acting like this.”

“Maybe we should just ignore her,” I hissed back with as much ice as I could muster. Even if destiny was trying its best, that didn’t mean I was above a case of buyer’s remorse. Besides, we were only a few hours away from getting to the really good part.

Twilight pushed past her friends, taking a bold position at the base of the steps. “I’ve got something to say!” Poised with dramatic flair, she pointed a hoof straight at me, eyes burning with passion. “She’s evil!”

What? My breath caught in my throat. No… Impossible! This was all just a silly little flame. There was no conceivable way that she could have seen through my impeccable disguise. Not Shining Armor, not Celestia, not a single other pony had noticed anything was amiss with my flawless performance. It was impossible that some one-night stand from a decade ago was the sole pony to spot an imperfection in my act.

Teleporting forward with a surprising amount of magical prowess, Twilight circled about me, like a predator going in for the kill. With each hoofstep closer, she listed off crime after supposed crime. “She's been horrible to my friends, she's obviously done something to her bridesmaids, and if that wasn't enough,” she said, sitting up on her haunches, “I saw her put a spell on my brother that made his eyes go all—” at which point, she rolled her eyes about, trying to mimic the effects of my stupify spell.

I have not had a laugh like that in ages. I mean, sure, most of my monologues were punctuated by a menacing laugh, but that’s different. It’s not the full-bodied laughter that leaves you gasping for air with tears in your eyes.

“H-Hey!” shouted Twilight, trying to enforce some position of power as she stood over my collapsed form. “I’m being serious here! She’s evil and she’s going to ruin my brother’s life.”

“Twilight,” I said, gasping for breath as I found my hooves once again. “Oh, Twilight. You’re really serious about this. Wow.”

Twilight’s nostrils flared. “Of course I’m serious!”

Right. I had been known to play with my food from time to time, but as I mentioned, today was going to be a very busy day, and Twilight had gone more than out of her way to make a nuisance of herself. “Twilight. Dear, sweet Twilight. I think we both know that this dance has gone on long enough.”

She tilted her head, flicking an ear in annoyance. “Huh?”

“I’m talking about this wild little crush of yours, dear.”

That got her attention. Her eyes widened and blood quickly rushed from her face. “C-Crush? What crush?”

A thin smile played at my lips. It wasn’t supposed to be a menacing smile per se, but, well, force of habit and all. “Come, now. I’m the Princess of Love, after all. There’s no use in hiding your feelings from me.”

“I-It’s not like that.” Twilight rubbed one foreleg against the other, avoiding my gaze. “I just don’t want you marrying Shining Armor because you’d be bad for him. This doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings.”

“No?” I leaned my head down, reentering her field of vision. “Because from where I stand, it seems like your own feelings are the sole reason you don’t want me to marry him.”

“I’m not jealous,” she said with a frown.

One of the bridesmaids called out to her. The baker, I believe. “Now, sugarcube, I know we talked ‘bout—”

“I’m not!” Twilight shouted back, stomping a hoof. “Why doesn’t anypony listen to me saying that Cadance is an evil witch trying to enslave my brother? You're all just trying to psychoanalyze me instead!”

Another of the bridesmaids, a pegasus with a rainbow-striped mane, snorted loudly. “Do you really want us to answer that?”

“Twily?” Shining Armor stepped forward. “Is this true, what Cadance is saying? That this is because of—” he scuffed awkwardly at the tiles “—your crush?”

“No!” Twilight recoiled from Shining Armor, her breathing quickening. “No, no, she’s… She’s lying! It’s more of her weird magic.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” I teased. Okay, fine, perhaps I was enjoying playing with my food after all. Sue me. “I have a nose for these things, after all. Why don’t you just tell us the truth?”

“Shut up!” Twilight clutched at her head, tears welling up in her eyes. “It’s not true! It’s not!”

I gave an innocent shrug. “If you’d prefer, I could tell the others for you.” I turned to Shining and opened my mouth.

Twilight slammed her forehooves down on the tile. “I don’t have a crush on Shining Armor!” Gasping, her hooves raced up to her mouth, as though trying to call back the words. Her pupils shrank to pinpricks.

The room fell silent.

Wait, really? Shining, and not me? I frowned, looking upward in thought. I mean, I hadn’t been wrong about the crush. She had positively reeked of unrequited love, so I’d just assumed… I shrugged. Oh well. Can’t fault myself for assuming Twilight had good taste.

The baker coughed. “C’mon, y’all,” she said, nudging the other bridesmaids toward the door. “This’ll probably get messy. Trust me.”

Actually, this made a fair bit of sense in hindsight. Her angry glares. Her meeting Shining Armor late in the evening. Shining even had a pet name for her, “Twily”. I had assumed the flank-wiggling to be some form of mating display, when really it was her trying to mark her territory and ward me off. Perhaps someone—err, somepony—should have told her that the day before the wedding was too little, too late.

“Applejack! Wait!” Twilight raced toward the other bridesmaids as they wordlessly left the chamber. “Fluttershy, please, it’s… I said I don’t! I said I don’t!”

Rats. Actually, this caused a small problem. I’d misled Shining into thinking Twilight’s crush was on me… well, hmm. No, there was no reason this had to be mutually exclusive. I could roll with this. I sided up to Shining Armor who was standing rigidly at attention. Oddly, he seemed a bit greener than usual beneath his coat. It was a good color on him. “This isn’t going to be a problem, is it?” I whispered to him. “I knew about me and her, but I never realized she’d had feelings for you this whole time as well.”

A strangled gurgle escaped Shining’s throat.

I shrugged, raising my hooves. “It’s fine. Really. I’ve never been the jealous type, myself. If you wanted to have an open relationship, me, you, and Twilight living together, that would be—”

“Excuse me,” Shining announced, with the forced cheeriness of a tour guide. “I need to go throw up now.” With that, he made a stiff-legged dash for the exit.

“Shining!” Twilight tried to flag him down as he left, to no avail. “Shining, please!”

I scrunched up my muzzle. How revolting! These fleshy mammals are disgusting enough with their sweaty, oily exteriors without bringing vomit into the equation. It was entirely out of line for Shining to go to such hyperbole, after I so generously offered to let him sleep with Twilight.

Honestly, I could not wait to enslave these ponies and be done with it.

Twilight whipped her head to and fro, looking about the mostly-deserted hall. “Princess! Please, Princess Celestia!” She threw herself at the hooves of her soverign, tears now matting the fur of her cheeks. “You’ve got to believe me! It’s not like that.”

Celestia looked down at her, and sighed, and ran a hoof through her mane. “Twlight,” she said, “you know how highly I think of you, and what a beloved student you are.”

Student?

“But let us be honest here,” she continued, fixing Twilight with a stern glare. “You are pretty much the Element of Mommy Issues.”

“No! I swear!” Twilight protested.

But already, Celestia’s magic grabbed onto Twilight’s ear in rebuke, and gently dragged the protesting mare toward the hall’s doorway. “I think that it’s high time you and I had a heart-to-heart on this matter, and I believe that I should invite your mother to attend these meetings. Would you not agree?”

Twilight’s wails of protest were cut short as the double doors slammed shut behind them.

I glanced around from corner to corner, finding myself now alone in the massive hall. “Huh.”

---

Needless to say, the invasion was a flawless success, all thanks to my impeccable infiltrator talents. Canterlot’s defenses fell in a matter of minutes. Shining Armor had locked himself in a bathroom stall, Celestia was busy lecturing some unimportant mare in front of her own mother, and naturally Luna slept through the whole ordeal. As I said before, boring yet practical.

Still, let it never be said that I am without mercy. Shining Armor was to remain at my side, valuable feast that he was, but I offered that Twilight might remain by his side as well—a sort of breakfast buffet, perhaps. Strangely, Twilight was quick to reject my offer, instead insisting on a lifelong shift in the sulfur mines. Shining Armor, for his part, was insistent that I keep him under a permanent stupify spell.

Honestly, these ponies were more headache than they were worth. I did them a favor by invading.