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Ribbon
Original Minific
37th
39%
55
Sgt. Ripper
Ribbon
Original Minific
32nd
0%
0
One shot
Original Minific
54th
10%
−44
I can't remember to forget you
#2566 · 1
· on Sgt. Ripper
Thank you people for your feedback.

This was actually the first idea that I had when I read the prompt. I might have watched too much Dr. Who episode. Time is wounded, but most of its wounds heal by itself. It combined with another thing that I've had in mind for a long time: I don't remember having read in science fiction description of combat among truly advanced foes. If we have land battles, it's WWII with mechs, if we have space battles it's ships of the line or war in the pacific carriers, in space, if we have hand to hand combat, it's James Bond action scenes with futuristic gadgets. Then what about unimaginable technology? Creating black holes, rewriting time, bending the fabric of space?

The small problem with it, was that it was unimaginable.


I agree that the story was quite confusing. Friends that I asked for a pre-reading session, because I was afraid that too many details were left in my mind, gave me more or less the same opinion: they needed to read it two times.
Some people asked why I chose not to use all the words to add more details.
I actually left out a few paragraphs that described fighting, some in ancient battlefields, some in deep space, because I thought that it would have been better to leave all details undetermined: what weapons are used, what level of destruction they cause, how do they travel through space and time.
I agree they I could have devoted that same space to some character building. Probably by the end I was too single-mindedly dedicated to write towards a specific goal.

While it's true that lots of details that could have helped to add context and understand what's going on are lacking, there is nothing weird with the timeline of the story itself: every scene takes place after the previous one, from the point of view of the protagonist. Tdibits like "they have been there since tomorrow" or "I read it in next year's report" are just flavour meant to indicate that characters casually timetravel and don't think of time as a one-directional arrow.
Specifically, they meant that they could not have scouted the location in the past, because the enemy was never there before, and that they routinely write reports and send them back in time to know what will happen in the future and plan accordingly.
I took this idea from Bones of the Earth by Michael Swanwick, but I think it's actually immaterial to comprehension.

Your comments make me think that I would be hard-pressed to extend this idea to long story or novel lengths, because I'd have to describe how they do fight, and how their organization works. On one side, I haven't really thought of it. On the other, I'm not sure I want to, because I'd come with something that might quickly be obsolete.
#2567 · 1
· on I can't remember to forget you · >>The_Letter_J
Thank you for your feedback.

I am not completely sure what would be the deviations from the formatting guide. I've read them and tried to follow them, but it was my first time. Could you be more specific?

I agree that it is quite rough, thanks for signaling some actual errors. I cranked it out in 45 minutes because the friend that read Sgt. Ripper told me that it was very similar in style to another thing that I gave him to read. So I thought: "can I do something completely different?" and dusted one of the ideas that I had discarded.

Your intuition was correct: the protagonist is immortal, fell in love with someone in the late XIX century, he chose to form a family, she was hired as a nurse when he was old and senile, and then she starts stalking his grandson, his daughter's son. Then he dies in WWI.

Initially the protagonist was male and somehow inspired in Peter Pan's story, then i flipped both the sexes and the perspective (from the stalked to the stalker)
#2683 ·
· on I can't remember to forget you
Hmm, ok, I think I get it. I did not put that many paragraph breaks because they make the text look really weird, and they look unnecessary, but I'll abide by that in the future.